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Ch.18- "Aeterna"

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The torches crackling in their sconces were the only noise in the main hall of their base. In the adjoining rooms, moans and sobs and tearful, delirious pleading could be heard coming from the darkness, but in the main room, no one spoke or wept or ever dared to breathe. They'd been away from the walls for four days already. They were supposed to remain at this base for two more before heading back, but Commander Shadis was cutting their expedition short. That was the story they were all going with. No one would admit the truth, no one would admit to insubordination bordering on treason. Erwin had been lying on the cold stone for hours, but it felt as though he had only fallen asleep seconds before a boot lightly kicked his foot. Hange didn't speak as he got to his feet, handing him the rifle they held in an unspoken reminder of where his watch was stationed.

As soon as he took the gun, the brunette solider collapsed onto his abandoned bed roll, curling into a tight ball and pulling his blanket over their head. Slinging the gun over his shoulder, Erwin made his way to the castle's courtyard as quietly as he could. Sound carried far in these empty halls, and just as the noises of the injured and dying reached him, so too would any heavy footfalls reach them. Outside, the air bordered on muggy, hot enough that none of the sentries wore their cloaks. They had built three watchtowers, and all of them were manned. That wasn't where he was stationed. He smelled his station before it came into view, the sound of it growing louder with every step.

Four wagons, each with two tarps pulled as taut as possible over them. The tarps did nothing to stop the smell, however, and each was covered by a swarm of flies, inky black against the already dark night sky. Their buzzing chilling him more than a Titan's roar ever did. Four days in this heat, and the bodies were already well within the throes of decomposition, thick reddish-brown liquid seeping through the wooden floor bed and accumulating under the wagons. Commander Shadis had a choice- either dump these bodies to make room for new ones, or head back to the Walls.

The majority of the Corps was of the opinion that they needed to do both- dragging so many rotting corpses back inside the Walls was just asking for another pandemic to break out, and there was no guarantee that Dr. Yaeger would be able to save them this time. But Shadis wouldn't hear of it. They needed to bring something back, some proof that all these sacrifices had meant something.

Taking his place on the low, crumbling wall just past the reeking caravan, Erwin took the rifle in hand, checking it by the dim torchlight. A quick prod with the ramrod confirmed that it was packed and loaded, and he silently thanked Hange for that. After putting in too much powder during munitions training in his first year in the Training Corps and nearly blowing his own arm off, he'd developed a tendency to underload the barrel. That would be fine for a warning shot, but this much meat was sure to attract things too big and hungry to be scared off for good with a warning shot.

The Titans were sleeping, but in the distance, a wolf howled, soon joined by another and another until it seemed the valley was filled with that low, mournful sound. There were thirty intact bodies under those tarps- the rest was arms and legs and heads and torsos, totaling fifty eight casualties. Over the past three days, they must have run into over a hundred Titans, changing course to avoid three or four only to run into a dozen more in the opposite direction. It was as though they were being birthed from the earth itself, crawling out of the woodwork to congregate around this one area. Each day, they had to pull back earlier and earlier. One of the scrub bushes rustled, but whatever it was was small enough to remain hidden, so he dismissed it as no threat.

"Commander, there's no point in staying out here any longer."

"This many Titans isn't natural- even you can see that!"

"We can't even avoid them- something has them agitated-"

"If we can't avoid them, then we need to carve a path through them! Have you cowards forgotten what being a Scout entails…?"

As soon as the horizon lightened, they would head back to the wall. A few more hours, a few more kilometers, and this mission would be over. Breathing deeply through his mouth, and trying not gag as the smell of liquefying flesh caught so strongly in the back of his throat that he could taste it, Erwin drew a leg up, resting his chin on his knees as he lazily scanned the plain below. Stay alive for a few more hours, head to Ehrmich, and buy a ring. That was all he had left to do…

~o0o~

Despite the sun slowly creeping higher into the sky, the path before them was dark as dusk, several kilometers of sky blotted out by clouds so thick and black that they had to slow their pace down to a trot. Mike inhaled deeply, his lips pressed into a thin white line as the rest of his face turned a sickly green. He rode beside Erwin, near the front of the formation, but even a good hundred meters between him and the corpse-laden wagons wasn't enough.

"Rain's coming. Might need to wait it out." His words were more clipped than usual, a mark of how ill he was. It was hard to imagine the general populace of Shiganshina and Trost faring any better once they arrived. If they arrived. Raising his voice over the din, Erwin tried to call out.

"Commander-"

"My ears work just fine, Smith. Zacharias' suggestion is duly noted." His grip on the reins tightened until his short nails were digging into the meat of his palms.

"Then we need to pass the order back, sir."

"There is no order, Smith. We don't stop." Lieutenant Dresden gaped at the commander.

"Keith, you're not thinking straight. We could barely outpace the Titans on dry, solid ground; you want to risk laming our horses in the rain?"

"What are we going to do with the injured, Karl?" Shadis snapped back. "While we're hiding in the trees, are we just going to leave them down there to serve as Titan bait? Rossi's got two broken arms; how's he going to get up there? Becker can't move shit below the waist, but I'm sure she'll still feel it when a Titan tears her in half." It was impossible to tell if the commander's shoulders were shaking exclusively from the canter of his horse, or if the frustration radiating form him had something to do with it as well. "Half our goddamn regiment can't even ride, and you want to waste time ducking out of the rain…"

Both lieutenant and section commander fell silent. It was a mark of how dire their situation was that Erwin was seriously contemplating telling Shadis plainly that they needed to cut their losses and, if they had to sacrifice the wounded so the rest of them could live, so be it. He held his tongue, however- he was already treading on thin ice, and it was unlikely he'd garner any defenders for a position so openly callous. No, he would not speak up again. All he needed to do was follow orders and survive. As they rode into the shadows of the massive redwoods, they slowed their pace even further until they were crawling at little more than a walk. Their horses needed the rest, to be sure, but the gloom within the forest was so thick, they could barely see the ground at their feet. A blanket of leaves, black with rot, covered the forest floor, hiding the twisted tangle of roots waiting for a single misstep to lame their horses.

"Zacharias." The commander's voice was swallowed by the leaves. "Any Titans nearby?" Three hearty sniffs were followed by an audible retch.

"Ugh… Can't tell, Commander. The bodies… they're covering up everything." With their proverbial canary incapacitated, they would have to rely upon their eyes and ears to find the Titans that were assuredly lurking amongst the trees, but a massive hand may as well have been hovering over them for as much as they could see.

"Keith, this is a sign. We need to leave the bodies behind…" Dresden's voice was low, an urgent whisper. "Not one of those soldiers would want us getting ambushed for their families to see them like… that."

"When I want your opinion on the matter, I'll ask for it, Lieutenant." It didn't take long for the rain to meet them, coming down so hard and fast that it penetrated the thick canopy, reducing their visibility even further. The downpour was warm, at least, and brought at least one benefit with it, cleansing the air of the stench of decay… and bringing with it the smell of death. Mike inhaled deeply, and immediately readied his blades.

"Titans inbound to the east!" Shadis swore under his breath.

"Any to the west?"

"Not that I can smell."

"Then Zacharias, head back and lead the injured away from the Titans, but keep moving north! Dresden, fire off a sound grenade!"

"Are you crazy, Keith? That'll lead them right to us!"

"You think I don't know that? If Mike smells them, you know they smell us. They'll be on our asses before we even notice them, and we can't outrun them in the dark. We'll cut a path through!" Audibly grinding his teeth together, the lieutenant fumbled around in his saddlebag, but Erwin had already loaded his own signal gun, covering his ears as best he could as he pulled the trigger. His hand did little to keep out the blast, and his ears were ringing so badly he could barely hear the commander's orders to him.

"-ith, rally the vanguard and bring them into position!"

"Yes sir!" Both blonde men turned their horses about, heading further into the convoy. The rain had already accumulated into puddles, making the already treacherous piles of leaves so slick that even careful riding was dangerous. Cecile's strawberry blonde hair was light enough that he spotted it before he even registered the rest of the woman riding up to meet him, Hange and Horace close behind.

"Section commander, what-?"

"There are Titans to the west. Meet up with Commander Shadis ahead." He raised his voice so it could carry through the trees. "Hoffman, Andersen, Walsh and Jackson! Gather your squads; you're with us!" There were eight more squads in the vanguard, but the captains he called out to were the only ones whose squads consisted of more than two people. From the corner of his eye, he watched Mike continue towards the wagons. Most of the new recruits were stationed there, and while Erwin understood Shadis' logic- have Mike use his sense of smell to guide the cadets and the injured as far away from combat as possible- he was overlooking the fact that the captain couldn't detect anything with the bodies of the dead disorienting him.

The section commander tamped down his concerns. Mike was more than capable of dealing with such issues himself, and if the worst came to pass, Levi was with him. As ill-tempered as the short man could be, Erwin did not doubt that he would do everything in his power to keep their youngest soldiers safe; he had seen enough evidence over the past four days to erase the final lingering thread of doubt in his heart regarding the man. Their vanguard numbered less than thirty soldiers now, but there were enough veterans among them that they carried an air of, if not confidence, then a grim determination as they followed Commander Shadis northwest. There were clearings where several of the trees had fallen, allowing slightly more light in at the cost of heavier sheets of rain stinging their eyes.

"All troops, prepare for combat!" There was a hoarseness to Shadis' voice as he yelled over the rain and wind and galloping, but it remained strong and even nonetheless. "Who knows how many are up ahead, and the last thing we need is these fuckers bearing down on our injured!" The ground shook, a deep rumbling filling the air like thunder. Erwin squinted through the rain, his muscles tensing as something gleamed through the trees, what middling light there was reflecting off the slick, pale skin like glass.

"Target approaching!" It lumbered forward, its massive bald head down as though it too were uncomfortable in the downpour. It was possible, if not extremely unlikely, that the rain was covering up their scent and ruckus enough that it hadn't noticed them yet.

"Squad One, you're bait! The rest of you, switch to ODM gear and flank it! There are more in those trees, and we need to hit them fast and hard!" Shadis threw his arm out, the signal for their formation to break. Captain Andersen led his squad past the rest of them, heading around the trunk of a particularly massive oak tree and right into the eye line of the Titan. It noticed them immediately, taking off after its prey with a gait that looked slow despite covering many meters with each step.

Every time one of those massive feet landed, the entire ground shook, and coupled with their muddied boots and wet saddles, they had difficulty even positioning themselves. Fortunately, there were no spills as they deployed their ODM gear, their hooks sinking deep into the trunks of the nearest trees and lifting them into the air. It was a sad state of affairs when swinging on wires proved safer than remaining on solid ground. The wind rushing past his ears drowned out the sound of motors retracting cables, his own and those of his squad as well. He almost didn't notice Horace pull up beside him.

"Does Shadis really want all of us focusing on one thirteen-meter?"

"Those are his orders." The commander's current order- "Hit it from every angle!"- reminded Erwin painfully of his earliest missions. The stress was taking its toll, and Shadis was regressing to his old method of command; suicidal, all-out attacks. The Titan before them had paused, bending as far as its distended stomach would allow to swipe grotesquely long arms at the horses zig-zagging at its feet… and yet, the ground continued to rumble. Hange's panicked squawk reached them only seconds before the crash of breaking branches.

"AHHH! Right! Right! On our right!" Squad Thirteen had just enough warning to move out of the path of oncoming Titan, pulling up, dropping down, but Squad Five had the misfortune of swinging directly in front of the massive hand as it swiped at them. A feminine yelp was cut short as three meter long fingers wrapped around whichever Scout was unlucky enough to be closest. High up as he was, Erwin still heard the crunch as thick, blunted teeth closed over the woman's skull.

"Hange! Take out its left arm! Cecile, the right! Horace, keep watch!" Retracting one anchor, the blonde man let his momentum carry him down as he deployed it into the shoulder of the Titan. This one had hair, unfortunately, a thick mop of some indeterminate shade of dark that clung to its neck. Beneath him, Cecile twisted in a pirouette, her blades flashing as she dug them into the crease of the Titan's arm. Blood cascaded from the severed flesh, filling the already heavy air with steam. Its arm fell limply, dropping the remains of the Scout it had been eating to the ground. Hange wasn't nearly as graceful, but their cuts were deeper, slicing so deeply into the left arm that glints of white bone were visible through the red.

His window of relative safety was only seconds, but Erwin's body moved without any conscious input from his mind, cables screaming as they reeled in, pulling him closer to the nape. If he thought about what he was doing for a second, took note of how slick his hands were on the grips of his blades, or how the wind and rain were burning his eyes to the point that he could barely see, he would make a mistake and pay for it with his life. So he didn't think, not about the Titan's head turning, a glossy eye as large as he was noticing him, nor about the maw opening wide. He simply repeated his mission to himself. Survive this expedition, and return to the walls. The sudden twist of his body, force of ninety kilos threatening to rip his leg out from the hip, all went ignored as he drove his blades into the creature's trapezius, hair like ropes tangling around his wrists but giving way to the hardened steel as easily as the flesh beneath it. It had not even fallen when the shouts alerting them to another approaching Titan rang out.

Erwin allowed himself a second to push his hair from his eyes as his cables retracted, the blood he slicked through the pale yellow tresses already evaporating. After they left the forest, it would take about two hours to reach Shiganshina. Stay alive for two more hours…

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By the time the outer gate of Shiganshina rose, the rain had long since passed them by, heading further south to wash the dried grass and dusty soil clean of all the blood they'd left in their wake. The sun was high and bright, drying their hair, although their cloaks remained uncomfortably damp. They returned to the southern district far lighter than they'd left it. One wagon had gotten stuck in the mud, the thick roots making it impossible to dig it out, so they'd had no choice but to leave it in the forest, along with the bodies piled into the other two.

The rain had also washed away most of the fluids that accumulated beneath the dead, but the foul stench remained. The wounded forced to ride them groaned more from the smell than their injuries, many opting to walk, limping and dragging their broken limbs behind them rather than subject themselves to the smell. Erwin kept his eyes on the ground, purposefully ignoring the moans of injured Scouts as well as the none too-quiet discontent rising up from the assembled onlookers. It was a little past midday- normally, so many people would not stop to stare, but a handful of Scouts always drew more attention than hundreds.

"Didn't something like two hundred of them head out last week?"

"What d'you expect? Shadis can't do anything but lead head-on assaults."

"That's what happens when pride takes you outside the Walls. Maybe the rest of 'em will learn their lesson now…" His jaw tightened just as his fingers did around his reins. Thomasin was probably still at work; even if she'd heard the Bell of Liberty ringing, Mr. Reed would never allow her to leave in the middle of a work day… of course, it was possible he was still in the capital. Without any supervision, she might take the time to walk to the main street, to scan the convoy and see if he was there- she'd done so the last time he returned from an expedition… god, had it really been a year ago?

He was being stupid, she wasn't there… and yet, he could feel someone's eyes on him. Who would stare so intensely as to raise those hairs on the back of his neck other than Thomasin? Unable to stop himself, Erwin looked up, hoping to see her as much as he didn't want her to see him. His heart bottomed out as he realized whose gaze was burning his skin. A boy, no older than ten, balanced precariously on a stack of crates at the back of the crowd, a girl- probably his sister- reluctant to climb as high. His bright green eyes gleamed with excitement, and when he realized he'd caught Erwin's gaze, he smiled wider.

A child curiously staring a battered, worn-out soldier wouldn't have been anything to give a second thought to, but it wasn't curiosity on that's boy's face, no. It was pride. It shone through his youthful face like sunbeams, and Erwin had to look away before he threw up. He had been that young once, certainly, but had he ever been so stupid, so naive? He vaguely recalled his first day in the Training Corps, just after initiation, pushing his way to the front of the assembled recruits to watch the senior cadets leaving the forest on their ODM gear. His eyes had immediately locked on the largest, and yet most poised figure, watching him twist so effortlessly in the air he forgot about the cables at his hips. If Mike had looked over that day, he probably would have seen bright blue eyes shining with just as much excitement and pride, and he may well have been sickened by it, too…

A hand grabbed his reins, pulled hard on them and stopping his horse. Hange had noticed the convoy come to a stop long before he did, their brows drawn together in dismay as they looked over the heads of the other mounted soldiers. An old woman, her thin gray hair pulled back into a messy tail, had stepped into the street. Her breathing was heavy as she approached Shadis, her eyes wide, fearful.

"Beg your pardon, Commander; wh-where is my son? He should be with you all…" She clutched at the commander's cloak, her voice a tearful, desperate croak. "Oh, please tell me he made it…!" Shadis turned to the soldier on his right.

"It's Walsh's mother. Give it to her." Most of the Scouts looked away, the same sinking feeling filling each and every one of them as the old woman was handed a damp, crudely wrapped bundle. She collapsed in the dust, a keening wail filling the street as she clutched the bruised, severed arm to her chest. "I'm sorry. It's all that was left of him." A cold comfort, but one most families of those lost on this expedition wouldn't even know.

If the Abnormal that overtook them hadn't only been half a kilometer from the wall, they would have left the arm that fell out of its mouth behind too. Still, there was no way to tell a grieving mother that as she openly sobbed in the middle of the street, especially not with so many nosy, sneering faces around. Not one person in the crowd made an effort to comfort Mrs. Walsh, too busy muttering to one another, self-righteous in the knowledge that their children would never meet such a fate. With a groan belying his age, Shadis knelt before the woman. He moved his arm, perhaps to lay his hand on her shoulder as he would have with his soldiers, but her voice stopped him.

"H-he did good, yes? He was brave?" Her voice was tight with the tears running over the deep lines of her cheeks, but her eyes were filled with something other than sorrow, something closer to anger than grief as she demanded answers from the commander. "Tell me my son stood his ground to the bitter end… that his death meant something! Even if he didn't achieve anything directly, his death- His death brought humanity one step closer to driving them back, right?!" The district stilled, as if the force of her desperate plea silenced not only the crowd, but the wind as well.

"H-he was brave... He fought well!" That was all Shadis needed to say. He just needed to stand and continue to base, but even from where Erwin sat, he could see the older man's shoulders shaking. It was his second time being confronted so harshly in less than twenty four hours, but this wasn't a subordinate he could shout down. He could not fall back into the comforting rut of anger this time. "But… his sacrifice meant nothing… All of it meant nothing… It's always the same… We accomplished nothing! Your son died because of me- they all died because of ME, because of my incompetence! I sent them all to their deaths, and it all amounts to nothing!"

Shadis' voice echoed all along the street, and even when two of the Scouts closest to him pulled him to his feet, his bitter sobbing continued. While the crowd of onlookers resumed their gossip with a vengeance, the Scouts remained silent. Tearing his eyes away from the commander's hunched back, Erwin glanced at Hange. They were still watching Shadis, lips pressed tight together even as tears cut through the grime still clinging to their cheeks. They seemed in no hurry to move, so he took their reins from their limp hands, leading their horse forward as he dug his heels into the sides of his own.

Upsetting as that display was, by the time they'd put half of Shiganshina behind them, conversation began once more, quiet though it was.

"Of all the bad luck… Noah's mom had to come out today of all days…"

"-not looking forward to all the angry relatives of the people we left behind-"

"-ck, maybe we can burn some dead dogs- bones are bones-"

"-Shadis is losing it, huh…?"

"Yeah, hope we get a new commander soon-"

"Shut up, he'll hear you…"

"Erwin." He started as Mike's long fingers snapped less than an inch from the bridge of his nose. "You with us?"

"Oh. Yes." The taller man exchanged a look with the Scouts of Squad Thirteen. Hange had since scrubbed their face dry, and while their smile was clearly forced, at least their voice was even.

"You should take off, Erwin."

"Take off where?"

"You know where," Cecile told him pointedly. The section commander sighed, rubbing his brow in an effort to combat the pressure already building up behind his eyes.

"Would you all please leave me alone for one goddamn day-"

"We're not talking about that, Smith." As firm as his voice was, Horace's face was softened with pity. "You know the walls have ears and the gossip that spreads is never the whole truth. Thomasin's gonna hear how bad the losses were, and spend the next few days worrying herself sick about you. Go see your girl and let her know you're alright."

He wanted to. Damn, he wanted to, but… He could already see the horror in her eyes as she took in the sight of him, even if the blood on his cloak wasn't his own, pulling and looking away from him because why even waste her breath regurgitating the same fears and concerns when they only ever fell on deaf ears? Of course, even trying to explain such a thing to his companions would only raise more questions, questions that he couldn't answer.

"I'm still on duty."

"So?" Even on horseback, Levi moved quietly enough that he managed to slip past Hange without Erwin noticing until he spoke. "You didn't care about the order of command or whatever out there. What, you only capable of growing a pair when it comes to the Survey Corps?" Hange laughed awkwardly.

"Ha ha, I think what Levi's trying to say is not to worry. We'll cover for you with the commander." They weren't going to give him an excuse, and he was sorely tempted to take them up on their offer.

He frowned, looking up at the sky. He couldn't show up at her place of work looking as bad as he did; even if Mr. Reed wasn't back yet, it would still be a distraction. If he went to her apartment, he'd be waiting for her for hours, and the sight of a bloody, disheveled Scout on their steps would only disturb the other tenants. He could maybe ask someone to give her a message, to meet him somewhere nearby… But maybe the best course of action was just to return to base and make himself at least somewhat presentable before inevitably upsetting her.

"Smith." Shadis' voice, firm and strong once more, cut through his thoughts, and Erwin stiffened.

"Yes sir?"

"Come here. I need to speak with you." A quick glance at his companions revealed all of them quickly looking away. Well, except for Levi, but the shorter man had barely been paying attention to him from the get go. So much for them covering for him…

Shadis was on foot, so Erwin dismounted, leading his steed by the reins. Falling in step beside the commander, he kept his gaze on the ground. It had only been a matter of time. Even by his own admission, he'd stepped far out of line, but while he would accept whatever punishment the commander deemed fit, he didn't regret his words…

A dozen more injured Scouts were carried past them into the castle base, their hastily bandaged limbs oozing blood onto the stretchers. Erwin kept his expression and tone even as his eyes settled on what was left of Daniel Lambert's leg. Bitten off at the thigh, just like Thomasin's, but they were still a day away from the wall and he was still gushing blood despite the tourniquet around his groin.

"Commander, there's no point in staying out here any longer." Lieutenant Dresden had turned away from the carnage, his face stiff with anger.

"This many Titans isn't natural- even you can see that!"

"We can't even avoid them- something has them agitated-" Section Commander Claes' soft voice was immediately cut short by Shadis raising his own.

"If we can't avoid them, then we need to carve a path through them! Have you cowards forgotten what being a Scout entails…?" His golden eyes flashed dangerously, daring them to challenge him, just as he used to in years past.

Survive a year, and maybe your opinions will be worth something… Erwin frowned deeply, his thick brows furrowing. He had survived a year, no thanks to the man before him. The reason his squad, and the other squads in his sections, survived as long as they did was because of his plans, his intuition. And so, he followed that intuition, raising himself up to his full height, which still required him to tilt his head back to meet Shadis' stony gaze.

"We are returning to the wall come morning." The commander's eyes widened for half a second, before narrowing dangerously.

"What did you say, Smith?" His deep voice was a thundering rumble, low, threatening, but Erwin would not back down.

"You heard me, Commander. My section is returning to Wall Maria first thing in the morning. If you wish to push through that swarm of Titans, you can do so by yourself."

"You ungrateful viper… As soon as I let my guard down around you, you start up that insubordinate shit again-"

"I dedicated my heart to humanity- not to you! Not to pathetic old men who would watch every soldier under their command die before they pulled a retreat! I thought you were better than this, Commander Shadis… but apparently, I was wrong. Punish me as you see fit when we get back to the walls-if we get back-but I'll be damned if I let my soldiers head back into that deathtrap again."

He turned on his heel and began walking inside the ruins. He only made it a few steps before Section Commander Claes trotted up to meet his pace, followed by Section Commanders Durand and Simon. Faint as it was, he heard Lieutenant Dresden's voice as he walked through the archway.

"He's right, Keith. I'm sorry, but… he's right…"

Erwin had been absolute convinced that the only reason Shadis had turned back was because, without the support of his lieutenant and section commanders, he worried the rest of the Scouts would turn on him. Beyond the walls, losing the support of ones' soldiers was deadly, but within the safety of their confines, he could prune away the dissent with minimal repercussions. He'd be lucky if he walked away with a dishonorable discharge.

"Erwin… I want you to take over as commander." He heard the words, but it took a solid three seconds to fully comprehend them. He stopped in his tracks once their meaning sunk in, unable, unwilling to keep the shock from his features as he turned to face Shadis. The older man wasn't even looking at him, his golden eyes dark and fixated on the ground. "I'll head straight to Mitras to give my report… and hand in my resignation." Erwin swallowed, but his mouth still felt painfully dry.

"...is this a joke?"

"No." Shadis' voice was little more than a whisper, barely audible as he continued walking. "I'll handle the death certificates, and show you what your new duties entail… but this will be my final mission." Erwin's blood rushed through his ears so loud it was disorienting. Why…? Why him, why this, why now? He barely even noticed his friends approaching.

"Holy shit… Did I hear that right?"

"You're… you're the commander…"

"'bout time."

"Mike!"

"What? We're all thinking it."

"Yeah, but… you shouldn't say it out loud…"

"Aren't you lucky? Enjoy sorting out this shitshow, Commander Blondie…" Levi was right. They'd lost almost two thirds of their entire regiment on this last expedition, and now he was going to have to pick up the pieces. His knuckles stood out white against his skin as his hands shook. There was nothing he could do now but return to Trost with the rest of the Survey Corps.

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By the time they returned to base, bringing in the injured and seeing to their horses, the sun was setting, painting the district in deep golds and indigoes. Erwin had no sooner stepped out of his shower, hair still damp and shirt half unbuttoned, than Hange burst in through his office, grabbing his wrists and dragging him out into the hall where the others were waiting.

"How did you get in this time? I locked the door!"

"Mike broke it." The giant man scratched his beard sheepishly.

"I wasn't trying to break it, I just… opened it too hard."

"Who cares?" Horace asked flippantly. "It's not your problem anymore; whoever you assign to that room's just going to have to deal with it."

Assign… Oh, that was right… he'd have to assign new people to command positions. Almost every high ranking officer was dead, so many captains, two of the section commanders… Lieutenant Dresden… That was the only reason the other Scouts were going along with this; if a single more senior high-ranking officer than him was still alive, no one would tolerate Shadis pulling a stunt like this. But he knew what he was doing. The man was devious. Just thinking about the situation exhausted Erwin, and he turned back to his quarters.

"I'm going to sleep."

"No! We have to check out your new office!" His new…

"No. That's not… Shadis' belongings are still in there."

"You're right! We can take whatever we want!"

"Cecile…"

"The idiot's right," Levi deadpanned. "Shadis should've cleaned his shit out before telling you to take over. If he wants to be rid of the place that bad, fuck 'im."

"Look, we aren't going to steal anything…" Mike's deep voice proved to be the sole source of reason. "But you have every right to go in there, Erwin. And we're coming too."

"Why, exactly?"

"Our records are in there. Who else are you gonna name the new section commanders?"

Damn him. Damn him for being right. Erwin's footsteps were so slow and heavy, the walk to the end of the hall seemed to take an eternity. The office was unlocked, though not that surprisingly; who would be stupid enough to walk into the commander's office uninvited? Pushing open the heavy oak door, he stood on the threshold as his companions filed past him. He'd been in this office so many times, he'd grown almost bored of it, but now, it was as though he were seeing it for the first time. It was hardly bigger than his own office, and yet suddenly, it seemed so daunting. Hange shrieked with laughter, throwing themselves down on the large, leather couch in the corner.

"Ha HA! I always wanted to sit on this thing!"

"Fuck, Hange, that thing's probably older than we are. Be careful!"

"Hell, all of this furniture looks antique. That desk's gotta be a hundred and thirty kilos of pure mahogany."

"Everything in this room probably costs more than we'd make in a decade. Even the books look expensive…"

"Keep your sticky fingers to yourself, Cecile."

"Hey, I'm not the criminal here; tell that to Tiny!"

"Don't tell me shit. If I decide to take something, who's gonna stop me?"

"Levi, Cecile, that's enough." For as tired as he sounded, Erwin was secretly grateful for their bickering, the familiarity a welcomed distraction. He joined them finally, the thick rug in the center of the room absorbing the sound of his boots. He stepped behind the desk, resting a hand on the mullioned window that overlooked the courtyard. He could see all the way to the wall, the sun setting behind it so bright it was painful to look upon, yet he could not turn away. Shadis said he'd be back to handle the paperwork related to this mission, but rather than any sort of gratitude, Erwin only felt resentment brewing in the depths of his soul.

Never, in the near seventy year history of the Survey Corps, had a new commander been named while the previous one still lived. It was a position one only abandoned when they were physically incapable of doing their duty. There was nothing wrong with Shadis, nothing that didn't also affect every other Scout. Did he even realize what he was doing, the precedent he was setting? If he could up and retire because he didn't feel like carrying the burden of his station anymore, what was stopping anyone else from doing the same? As soon as Thomasin found out, she would never, ever let it go. No, Erwin- you don't have to do anything! Shadis quit; so can you…!

Groaning, he let his head fall forward to rest against the warm glass. This was just a minor setback. He still needed to go to Ehrmich to buy a ring… Maybe the others wouldn't hold this snafu against him, and would hold Levi back for one more day. Distantly, he heard someone yelling, and heavy footsteps running through the hall, coming closer, closer…

"Where's the commander!?" Erwin looked over his shoulder to find a disheveled Garrison soldier in the doorway, breathing hard, his face pale. Five pairs of eyes focused on him, and despite the churning in his stomach, he straightened, approaching the man.

"Right here." Dark green eyes narrowed as the Garrison shook his head slowly.

"No, wh-where's Commander Shadis?"

"Handing in his resignation. I'm his successor, Commander Erwin Smith." He hated how easily the words rolled off his tongue. "What's the problem?" Perhaps realizing that he wasn't going to get the answer he wanted, the older soldier straightened as well.

"Titans are pouring into Shiganshina!"

"What?!" At once, the other Scouts gave their full attention to the situation at hand.

"Is the gate mechanism broken?"

"No, the gate's been destroyed!"

"How?! How is that possible!?"

"The Titan! It was sixty meters, at least! It broke the gate and they started flooding in! We're trying to evacuate the civilians, but there are too many of them! It's a blood bath out there!"

No… that wasn't possible. There couldn't be Titans inside the walls; the walls kept them out. The walls were safe- Shiganshina was safe. He'd just ridden through a little over three hours ago… everything had been fine… Go see your girl and let her know you're alright… Thomasin was probably just getting off from work, locking up the shop… The apothecary was in the middle of the district-

"-win! Erwin!" He blinked hard, his harried thoughts slowing to a crawl, a wound up spring almost completely unwound. Looking away from Hange's concerned expression, he turned his attention back to the Garrison soldier.

"And what do you want me to do about that?" The older man's jaw unhinged painfully wide as he struggled to arrange his thoughts into something coherent.

"I want you to do your fucking job! You're the commander of the Scouting Regiment, aren't you?! The only thing you bastards are good for is killing Titans!"

"That's what we've been doing all day. For the past four days." His voice was cold enough to chill the room, and he didn't bother raising it for the Garrison soldier to better hear. "We've just returned from an expedition. The Survey Corps has less than one hundred soldiers still living. Half of that number is permanently crippled, many clinging to life in our sick bay, and the remaining half are exhausted to the point of barely being able to stand. Our horses have been ridden into the ground. We haven't even had time to refuel or restock yet. So I repeat, soldier; what do you want me to do about that?" He shrank under Erwin's gaze, trying to sound demanding, intimidating, but ultimately failing.

"You… you have to do something…"

"Did you graduate from the Training Corps, Officer…?"

"Laurent. And yes, of course I did."

"I see you're wearing ODM straps. Do you have the gear to go with it?"

"Yes, but-"

"So you have the knowledge and the equipment to deal with Titans. There are fresh recruits in our ranks with less experience than you. I suggest you return to Shiganshina and put your training to good use, Officer Laurent. I'm afraid the Garrison and Military Police are going to have to handle this on their own." Erwin turned away, unwilling to watch fear and hopelessness battle fury on the man's face any longer.

"You…! You bastard-!" From the corner of his eye, he saw the fist flying towards him, but it never made contact. Officer Laurent cried out in pain as his arm was twisted behind his back, Levi's eyes flashing dangerously as he pushed the larger man against the wall, pining him in place.

"Levi, what are you doing?! Let him go!"

"Why? So he can throw another punch at you?"

"Levi…"

Scoffing, the dark-haired man released the other soldier's arm, skulking over to drop onto the couch. It would have been easy to think he was unbothered by the situation, but his thin chest continued rising and falling rapidly. Casting one last, fearful glance towards the man on the couch, the Garrison soldier stumbled from the room, his steps growing fainter as he made his way down the stairs.

Erwin closed the door behind him, locking it for good measure… before sliding down it, putting his head between his knees as he let out the breath he'd been holding. That was a mistake, for once he released it, he couldn't get it back again; no matter how hard or fast he breathed, no air entered his lungs. Cloth rustled as hands laid on his back, awkwardly rubbing the spot between his shoulder blades in circles.

"Calm down…" He barely registered Hange's voice over his pounding heart.

"Oh god… Oh god, what have I done…?"

"You did the right thing, Erwin." Faint as it was, the rumble of Mike's voice was comforting as it rolled over him. "Maybe a dozen of us are in any shape to fight, and you know damn well that's not enough to accomplish anything. Only a fool would sacrifice what few soldiers we have left to deal with this."

"You know that guy was exaggerating." Cecile's voice didn't sound nearly as flippant as she undoubtedly wanted it to. "I mean, a sixty meter Titan? My ass. The tallest Titans in recorded history were thirty meters. Some idiot accidentally opened the gate, and one or two Titans got in." Horace nodded in agreement.

"Exactly. The same thing happened sixty years ago. Maybe this'll teach the Garrison to stop drinking on duty." For as much as his mind doubted the truth of their words, Erwin's heart begged him to believe them. To believe that this was just a horrible, horrible accident that would sort itself out…

"So when are you heading out?" Despite his relaxed posture, Levi's eyes were sharp as they settled on Erwin.

"I just said we're not-"

"Not us. You. Even if it's just one or two Titans, you really expect those shitty layabouts to get them under control quickly?"

"And you expect me to accomplish that all by my lonesome?"

"No, but aren't you going to go see about your little wifey?"

His blood ran cold, freezing in his veins, leaving his entire body painfully stiff. Thomasin… There were a lot of people between the gates and Reed's Apothecary, but… but what if there were Abnormals amongst the regular Titans? She couldn't even run… Shutting his eyes, he inhaled deeply, pushing away the horrible memory of her lying in a Titan's mouth, cold and begging for help as she bled out.

"No. The Survey Corps will remain in Trost. That includes the commander."

"So you're just going to leave her to fend for herself?" 'Why do you care…?' The words on the tip of his tongue twisted into something befitting his new station.

"What kind of example would I be setting if I tell my soldiers to remain behind while I run off to find a single person?"

"A single-!" Cecile lowered herself until she met his eyes, glaring at him. "I think everyone would understand you heading out to help your wife."

"She's not my wife, Cecile."

"Yeah, you were supposed to propose today-"

"But I didn't. She's not my wife. She's not my fiancee. She's nothing to me." The words almost caught in his throat, but he managed to speak clearly, his voice only wavering a little at the end.

"Erwin… you don't mean that…" He pulled away from Hange's touch, getting to his feet, though he only made it as far as the desk before his strength left him. He leaned against it, his hands splayed out across the dark wood.

"No one is to leave the base. That is final. Do I make myself clear?" The silence stretched on for so long he wondered if they would do the same thing he'd done only the night before, walking out, disgusted by his callousness.

"...yes sir…"

"Yes, sir."

"Yes, commander…" Their voices were quiet and reluctant, but not one dissented. His own voice was equally quiet and reluctant.

"You're dismissed…"

The lock clicked behind him, but Erwin did not move until he was certain he'd heard five sets of footsteps leave the room, the last closing the door behind them as quietly as possible. Sure he was alone, he trudged back to the window, sitting on the floor once more with his back to it. If he held his breath, he could hear sounds from the street coming up through the courtyard. No individual words reached him, but the general tone. Confusion. Shock. Fear. Anger. Fear again. Outrage. Fear. As the room grew darker, the voices grew louder and louder, disassociated shouts coming together to form a singular voice. Demanding the Scouts come out. Demanding the Scouts do their jobs. Demanding the Scouts save them.

Night fell, the sliver of moon visible through the clouds not making a dent in the heavy shadows that covered the room. The city of Trost didn't seem likely to calm down any time soon, the shouts and screams and wailing filling the street growing louder the later the hour. Erwin's eyes had so long grown accustomed to the dark that faint light from the hall as the door opened was almost too much. Cursing under his breath, Shadis lit one of the candles nearest the door, swearing loudly and dropping the still-lit match as he took a step towards his former desk.

"The fuck are you doing down there, Smith? You damn-near gave me a heart attack!" The younger man said nothing, his head tilting to rest against his clasped fingers. Sighing deeply, the former commander went around the room, lighting the rest of the candles. "I take it you've heard the news. The southern gates have been destroyed; Wall Maria has fallen."

His fingers tensed, nails digging into his knuckles. So it wasn't an accident, it wasn't just one or two Titans wandering in… There had been so many of them over the past four days, and now, they would all be flooding into Shiganshina, the soldiers they devoured but an aperitif as they now had a banquet of civilians to sup on. Shadis was somehow still talking.

"-I got back, but it looks like I was worried for nothing. Well, not nothing; that mob out there wants blood. We might have to post some guards… Guarding against other humans… what the hell has this world come to…?" He sounded so… normal. As though he were discussing the next mission, as though he still had any business here. Bitterness rose in Erwin's throat like bile, and he found himself speaking before he could stop himself.

"Why are you here?"

"What?"

"Why did you come back?" The lines on the former commander's face carved themselves deeper in his obvious discomfort.

"...I told you- I'll handle the statements and reports for this mission-" Erwin pushed himself to his feet, bearing down on the other man with such ferocity that he wondered if he wasn't subconsciously planning on lunging at him. Shadis seemed to assume the same thing, taking half a step back as his successor stopped mere inches from him.

"Nobody needs you for that! We needed you to be our leader! During our darkest hour, during humanity's downfall, you abandoned us, and now you come crawling back with your tail between your legs to do paperwork? How dare you show your face here again?" As he fought to catch his breath, Shadis stared down at him, the shadows giving his gaunt face a skeletal appearance. In contrast to Erwin's near-shouting, the older man's voice was uncharacteristically quiet.

"...I did what was in the best interest of the Survey Corps, possibly for the first time in my tenure as commander. You're a better leader than I ever was, Erwin; you've already proven that." A bitterness crept into his voice. "I'd have had us back in Shiganshina hours ago; probably would've lost the last twenty soldiers we have left." He sighed, walking past the other man to stand before the window, resting his palm against the glass just as Erwin had done hours ago. "Our pen has grown even smaller… our shitty world has become Hell on earth… the Survey Corps needs someone smarter and more skilled than me to lead them through this."

Maybe Shadis was trying to stroke his ego to soften this devastating blow… or maybe these were his honest thoughts; maybe he really did think himself stupid and incompetent, and now that he no longer demanded the respect of the Corps, he felt he could admit that… Whatever the true reason, Erwin didn't care. All he heard were excuses, pathetic excuses from a pathetic man.

"...your assistance is not required, Mr. Shadis. Gather your belongings; come morning, I want you off this base. You can be worthless somewhere else."

"Understood, Commander." There was a hint of amusement in the older man's voice, barely noticeable, but enough to make Erwin's blood boil. His hand shook as he tried to open the door, causing him to linger just long enough for an almost mournful muttered voice to reach him. "...don't make my mistake, Erwin. Don't make the Corps your whole life. That's not a life worth living..."

His breath caught in his throat as he thought about the hundreds of ways this day could have gone differently if this wretched mantle hadn't been thrust upon him, how and when it was. It was a bit late for such advice, surely. Slamming the door shut behind him harder than he usually would have, Erwin stalked back to his room, remembering after the fact the handle was broken and the door no longer stayed closed properly. He didn't care, not even bothering to close it. Peeling off his clothes, he dropped them on the floor, leaving a trail to his bed.

Pulling the blanket over his head like a frightened child muffled the voices yelling outside somewhat, his own ragged breathing filling his ears and drowning out the sound of everything but his thoughts. Why hadn't he gone back? He had so many opportunities; even now, he could get on his horse and push through the crowds and- and… and what? Search the ransacked district for an arm or leg that was darker than the rest? Cling to some misbegotten hope that somehow, Thomasin had outrun the Titans with one leg, or hidden in some dark corner they hadn't sniffed out yet?

Even if he got to Shiganshina right now, what were the odds that he could scour the district and find her before a swarm of Titans? Nonexistent. Why even bother wishing that things might be okay? Had he not learned how cruel and unforgiving the world was two decades ago when he laid in bed just like this, hoping, praying that his father was alright? The tears he had not been able to summon as a child leaked from his tightly shut eyes now as the enraged voices melted into a drone that, somehow, lulled him into a shallow, uneasy sleep.

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A/N- So, unfortunately, due to health problems, I haven't been able to write much lately. All the chapters I've been posting thus far were written months before I even posted the first one. I like to have a backlog of chapters because I know things like this will happen (my health has been getting progressively worse for the past 22 years). Basically what I'm saying is, "Reasons" is going on hiatus until I can write again. Fortunately, I have the vast majority of the story plotted out; I'm just in too much pain to put my thoughts into coherent words. I just hope that once I come back with new chapters, there will actually be someone left to read them.