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Ch.19- "Start"
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Erwin dreamt of destruction. Of fire and rubble, and old paved streets strewn with bodies ripped apart at the limbs, hands missing fingers and arms without their torsos grabbing at his ankles as he hurried down a road familiar and foreign all at once. The ground shuddered, splitting apart behind him, and as he ducked into the nearest house, the windows rattled in their panes as a horrible rumbling filled the air. The rooms his mind told him were smaller than he remembered looked so big, the sun blotted out by giant shadows casting a darkness so heavy, it seemed almost tangible.
"Father?" His steps covered no ground, the hall leading to the back rooms of the small house stretching further and further away. The hearth was empty, stone cold. "Father? Father, where are you?" They had to flee. He had to find his father- the walls were falling, the cage had been broken open, and hawks were tearing apart all the little birds who forgot how to fly- The ground rumbled again and his entire body shook. There were no more walls, the gone torn apart by giant hands as glassy eyes leered at him.
"Father… I- I don't know what to do... help me…" His voice caught in his throat as a giant hand closed over him, squeezing, tighter, tighter-
"Gah!" Erwin's arm jerked away from the source of pressure, and he flailed for a moment as he fought against both his unseen assailant as well as the darkness. "Calm down, Smith! It's us!" The voice was familiar, but his mind was still mired in sleep and it took a few more seconds before he realized the danger was not real.
Breathing hard and trying to untangle himself from his blanket, he blinked several times, his lashes glued shut. The room wasn't as dark as he'd expected, the faintest gray light coming in through the window, though it was mostly obscured by Cecile and Mike. He was about to ask how they'd gotten in- he'd been so good about locking his doors as of late- but then remembered that his lock was broken. Lots of things had been broken the day before…
"Are you okay, Erwin? You were moaning in your sleep." Cecile set something on his nightstand, perching on the edge of his bed. He couldn't see her face well, cast in shadow as it was, but the concern in her voice was plain.
"Why are you here?" He croaked. His mouth felt like sand, his entire face ached, his eyes especially. The side of his pillow was still damp.
"You usually don't sleep in," Mike reminded him. "Normally we wouldn't bother you, but, well… you've kind of got things to do." Of course. Yesterday hadn't just been a terrible nightmare. Wall Maria had fallen, humanity was creeping closer to extinction, and he was now expected to lead the charge to halt its demise. Groaning, he pushed himself into a seated position, wanting nothing more than to bury his head in his hands and simply lament.
"What time is it?"
"A quarter past seven." Cecile sighed deeply. "Everyone's freaking out. Everyone with family in Wall Maria wants to check and see if they made it out. Levi of all people is guarding the door- he says no one leaves without your say so." She chuckled humorlessly. "That tiny bastard's a good deterrent, I'll give him that. No one wants to get suplexed." Rubbing his eyes, he let his hand fall limply into his lap.
"Tell everyone to assemble in the mess hall; I'll be down in fifteen minutes."
"You don't need to waste time on this." Quiet as it was, Mike's voice held a tone of annoyance. "Name us section commanders, and we'll get everyone sorted out." Hard cerulean eyes fixed on him.
"What could I possibly need to do that bears more importance than leading the Scouts- my Scouts?" Yes… all of these soldiers were his now, not just a single squad or section. Every life in these barracks was now his to order, and to protect.
"Refugees have been flooding into the city," Cecile told him. "I think the majority of them have been set up in the Garrison's storage warehouse, but there are smaller camps cropping up everywhere. Thomasin is bound to be in one of them." Refugees… of course, some people were bound to make it out of Wall Maria, perhaps even out of Shiganshina while the Titans were distracted eating their friends and loved ones. That dreaded hope flared within his chest once more, and Erwin smothered it immediately.
"I have orders to give, death certificates to fill out, condolence letters to write; I don't have time to waste running around Trost." It was amazing that the words could come out as smooth and even as they did, considering he was wrenching them from his throat, his tongue and lips fighting him every step of the way. Cecile gaped at him.
"…the death certificates can wait; those soldiers aren't getting any deader! You have to look for Thomasin-!"
"I have a duty to all of humanity! Not just a single person!" Captain- no, Section Commander- no, Commander Smith knew his role well, the lines rehearsed in his head for years.
"Humanity is made up of many single persons, Erwin," Mike muttered. "You yourself are one of those 'single persons'- you can't take on everything in the world by yourself. Let us help." He was right, as always, his the firm voice of reason. Erwin sighed, leaning back against his headboard.
"I need to speak with the others, first; I'm not going out while the rest of my soldiers remain unaware of the fates of their loved ones. Afterwards, you two bring Horace, and Section Commanders Claes and Simon to Shad- to the commander's office." Mike's mustache twitched slightly as the smallest of smiles curved his lips.
"I graciously accept my promotion to Section Commander-"
"I'm naming you my lieutenant, Mike." The taller man had just begun walking back towards the door, but faltered mid-step.
"…excuse me?"
"If I had my way, I'd name you Commander, but as I can't, I'll have to settle for you being my second-in-command. You are now one of the most senior veterans within the Corps' ranks, and I fully intend to put that seniority to good use." Slate eyes narrowed.
"I don't want that."
"Tough shit- I don't want this, either. We all have our parts to play."
"So…. I take it Horace and I are going to be added on as Section Commanders?"
"Yes." Cecile and Horace's seniority and experience were amongst the main reasons Erwin had to brought them into his squad all those years ago, after all. She nodded solemnly, getting to her feet.
"We'll tell them. Eat something before you come down; we both know you won't stop for breakfast once you get behind a desk." She gestured to the bedside table, where a now room temperature bowl of porridge sat forlornly.
He remained abed until they left, Cecile closing the door behind her, but even when he no longer heard their steps, the only movement he made was to draw his knees to his chest, resting his head in the dip between them. His lungs felt too small, as did the room, the inverse of the horrible dream he'd woken from. If he were the superstitious sort, he might believe it had been a sign, his father's spirit upset that he had not been home in so long, not since he joined the Training Corps twelve years ago. But the dead did not linger; his father was not watching over him, he was moldering in the ground, deep in the earth that stank of death… How many hundreds of thousands would add their fetor to that stench, when the Titans regurgitated them or crushed them underfoot? If he'd had an appetite at some point, it was gone now, so Erwin ignored the paltry meal as he stood and began dressing.
~o0o~
He heard the voices through the double doors, but as soon as he swung them open, all the chatter died at once. A quick glance to the side revealed Levi leaning against the wall, arms crossed, his lips pressed into a thin line. It was clear he was not enjoying his self-appointed task as a babysitter. Erwin inhaled deeply, rolling his shoulders back and standing straight, hoping his swollen, bloodshot eyes were not as ghastly to look upon from a distance.
"I am sure you are all aware by now, but in case you are not, allow me to fill you in. Yesterday, as we returned to Trost, Commander Kieth Shadis stepped down from his position and named me as his successor. Yesterday as well, the gates of Shiganshina district were breached and Titans have been flooding into Wall Maria." The assembled Scouts began talking again, their incessant murmurs joining together to form a cacophonous din.
"Hey!" Levi snapped. "Shut up, all of you."
"Levi, that's enough," Erwin chided quietly, grateful though he was that the smaller man successfully managed to quiet the hall. "I know full well that many of you have family and friends within Wall Maria, and that you want nothing more than to ensure they escaped unharmed. However, I cannot allow anyone to leave the territory of Wall Rose-"
"What the fuck are we supposed to do in here!?" One of the younger Scouts, a freshly graduated cadet, stood up, his face screwed up in anger. "We're Scouts- we're the only ones who actually have a chance of killing those Titan bastards, but instead of saving people, you want us to stay hidden in the barracks!?"
"He's right; we can't just do nothing."
"The Titans couldn't have gotten in this far; we should be evacuating the nearby villages-"
"Quiet!" The mess hall felt too small to contain Erwin's booming voice which carried far across the open plains outside Wall Maria. "Have you all forgotten that we have only just returned from a four-day mission? Have you forgotten that the majority of our still-living brothers and sisters are incapacitated, or that the bodies of the dead haven't even finished burning? If you are all so eager to die, take your uniforms off first; I won't have any Scouts rushing headlong into death for no reason other than foolishness."
"But…" Another cadet, a young woman, spoke up, her voice a watery whisper, "Commander Erwin, we have to do something…"
"And so we shall. Those of you whose relatives live withing Wall Maria have my leave to check for them in the nearest settlements within Wall Rose. If they have evacuated, they would have done so to the district nearest them. Those of you whose families reside within Walls Rose and Sina also have leave to visit them as well. Inaction can be torturous, in times like these especially, but the Survey Corps is in dire straits, and if we are to have any hope of reclaiming our stolen lands, we will have to be prepared. And preparation for such a thing takes time. For now, we must depend on our fellow soldiers in the Garrison and Military Police to hold back this enemy until we can once again take up our blades. But, until then, take this time to be with the ones you love. You will all return to base within the fortnight. Dismissed!"
"Sir! Yes, sir!" A little over two dozen soldiers thumped their hands to their hearts, the chatter quickly picking up as they stood and filed past him out of the mess hall, walking as quickly as they could without knocking one another over. Stepping back beside Levi, Erwin leaned his head back against the cool, rough stone, closing his eyes. The thudding of feet reminded him of the thunderous rumbling of his dream, and he opened them quickly.
"If I'd known you were going to tell everyone to go away, I wouldn't have bothered keeping the assholes here."
"I'm grateful that you did, Levi; being given official leave is different than going AWOL." He glanced down at the shorter man. "What about you?" Cold gray eyes darted up to meet his own.
"What about me? I don't have any family. Just tell me what I need to do." Perhaps this was Levi's way of showing compassion, of pitying the wretched circumstances Erwin found himself in. With the room now cleared of all but a few familiar faces, he allowed himself a sigh.
"There's nothing you need to do at the moment. Plenty of things I need to do, but those aren't of any concern to you. Just… convalesce, I suppose. God knows you pulled enough weight on our last mission; you must be exhausted."
"Not even in the slightest." Muttering under his breath, Levi pushed himself away from the wall. "Guess I'll go clean the barracks. Maybe without all those filthy brats around, I can actually finish for once…" Erwin wouldn't have conflated "cleaning" with "convalescence", but plenty of people had already declared that Levi had something of an obsession with cleanliness. If he wanted tidier living quarters, he could take up that challenge… but it was just as likely that, with no Titans to kill and no people to check up on, he simply needed an outlet for the nervous energy he did not show but undoubtedly felt, just the same as the rest of them.
The walk back up to the Commander's quarters felt as though it went on for far more than three floors. Greta Claes and Dietrich Simon were waiting for him alongside Horace and Cecile. Mike was already inside the office, running his finger along the name tabs of a drawer of files before stopping on one and pulling it out. A stack of three were already on the desk. Glancing around, not much looked different- either Shadis didn't keep many personal effects in his office to begin with, or else, he simply didn't want to be weighed down by any more reminders of this part of his life than necessary. Sinking into the straight-backed chair behind the desk, Erwin opened three of the lower drawers before finding what he was looking for.
He remembered Shadis pulling out one of the same forms for his own promotion to Section Commander. The other waited patiently, unusually silent as he filled out names, birth dates, and positions. Outside the walls of the base, the voices in the streets had lost their murderous intensity, but were no quieter. Turning three forms around, he lined them up along the edge of the desk, setting the pen he'd been writing with atop them. One by one, Michaelis Zacharias, Cecile Davies and Horace Müller printed and signed their names, passing their papers and the pen to the existing Section Commanders to sign as their witness. Erwin's hand moved without any conscious input from his mind as he signed beneath them all. Such promotions were usually prideful events that ended with applause and cheers, but as the forms were placed into each individual's file, the room remained quiet.
"Congratulations Section Commanders, Lieutenant. I know you will all do humanity proud."
"What's our first order of business, Commander?" Horace's lips were twisted into something that looked like an attempt at a grin, but came across as more of a grimace.
"The same as everyone elses'; you have leave to visit your families for the next two weeks."
"Erwin- Commander…" Claes caught herself. "You know it's our duty to assist you, right? There's so much that needs to be done; you can't possibly do it all on your own."
"I know very well what needs to be done, and if I require your assistance, I will ask for it. But as of this moment, I'm afraid I need some time to collect my thoughts and consider what our next step is going to be. In the interim, I think it best that you all take advantage of this brief respite, because I assure you, time will not be on our side going forth."
"What about you, Commander?" Mike's voice remained respectful, but the set of his mouth clearly demanded an answer. Erwin clasped his hands together, a subconscious effort to ease that growing discontent in his chest, perhaps.
"I will do what needs to be done, Lieutenant Zacharias. Do not concern yourselves with me. I suggest you all pack; you all have quite a journey back to your hometowns, and I'm certain getting in and out of the districts is going to be a nightmare."
~o0o~
Erwin did not need a guide to teach him to fill out death certificates; he'd been assisting Shadis with that task since he was a captain. Indeed, he already knew where most of the forms pertinent to expeditions were located; provision requests, mission summary outlines, blank stationary used almost exclusively to pen condolence letters to the families of the fallen… He'd spent years observing the former commander fill out all those things, usually handing him the unsealed envelopes to send out. How long had this been his plan, to dump all these responsibilities onto Erwin? At least two years, if Nile was to be believed. Several stacks of paper were arranged on the desk, a list of every soldier on the Survey Corps' payroll, a list of those who returned to base still breathing, and another list of those whose bodies, whole or otherwise, had been loaded onto the wagons.
Considering how many corpses were still strewn about outside the walls, it had been easier to list those soldiers as MIA rather than confirmed dead. The MIA pile was much larger than the "Deceased" pile, and as Erwin signed his name for what had to be the thirtieth time, he wondered how many of these letters were going to be returned. He would look up addresses of each soldier's next of kin when he began writing condolence letters, but it was safe to say that a good percentage of them lived in Wall Maria's territory. Setting his pen down, he was stricken suddenly by the memory of Noah Walsh's mother, still weeping softly on the ground when he rode past her, her wizened fingers clutched around the only part of her son she had left. Had she ever gotten up from that spot, carrying that arm as she had carried her son when he was a babe? Or had she remained kneeling until the Titans came? Perhaps she had been eaten, maybe even by the same beast that swallowed her boy alive.
Nausea rolled over Erwin and he quickly became aware of how sore his neck and fingers were, how badly his eyes itched. Looking over his shoulder, and wincing as the stiff muscles in his neck protested that small movement, he squinted against the light. Dusk was quickly falling, but the sky was still awash in a deep golden orange. He still had about fifteen more certificates to fill out, but the words had begun blurring together long ago. There were refugees in the city. Most of them would probably be from Shiganshina and the nearby villages. It was unlikely, but there was still a possibility that someone knew something, that someone had seen her; after all, it wasn't as though Thomasin easily blended in with a crowd. It would probably be for the best if he did, however; he imagined too many people would be blaming the Survey Corps for not magically preventing the tragedy that befell them.
All of his belongings were still in his old quarters, and thus he had to walk back to them. The halls of the Trost base had been very busy until not that long ago, soldiers walking back and forth, packing for their journeys to all four corners of the walls, wishing each other well and praying for their friends' loved ones as well as their own. Now, almost everyone was gone and the halls were eerily silent. Erwin removed his uniform and donned his plain clothes as quickly as he could, his heart pounding in his chest the same way it so often did as he watched the outer gates of Shiganshina rise. Somehow, the prospect of facing his fellow humans worried him more than facing off against Titans. He could kill Titans; he'd have to leave his blades behind and hope his wit was still well honed for other people.
Forcing his hand not to shake as he opened the door leading out of the base, he took a deep breath and regretted it immediately. The pyres that had been burning all night were only smoldering now, but the stench of burning flesh and hair still hung thick, even in the front courtyard. His eyes watered slightly, but it wasn't just the smell that was overpowering. A throng of people were seemingly camped just outside the boundary of the base. There were no gates keeping them out, but rather, two soldiers stood on either side of the open wall, the setting sun painting the emerald green unicorn on their backs a sickly shade. They were each armed with guns, their sour expressions leaving it unclear if they upset that they had to ward off their fellow humans with live munitions, or upset that they hadn't been given an opportunity to use them yet. Erwin erred on the side of caution, keeping his musing to himself as he passed, asking a simpler, less volatile question instead.
"How long have you been stationed here?"
"Since last night," the MP on the left, an older man with thinning brown hair, spat. The dark bags under his eyes lent credence to his story. "Commander Jones made us draw lots to see who'd have the dishonor of guarding your sorry asses. I could be in the Interior right now…"
"Hey!" The other MP, a younger man who looked slightly less tired but no less upset called out to him. "A bunch of Scouts just left here out of uniform. Where the hell are you all going?"
"They're checking to see if their families have retreated behind Wall Rose." The younger MP's lips twisted into a disgusted scowl.
"Fuck their families- they should be riding down to Shiganshina to kill those goddamn Titans! Or at least letting the Titans eat you so they get full and stop coming further north…"
Erwin bit his tongue, letting their bitter, hateful diatribes roll off him. They were exhausted, and afraid; he would not fault their nerves getting in the way of their sense. Of course, they had no idea who they were speaking to, either. Even if he were in uniform, most people outside the Survey Corps probably still thought Keith Shadis was the commander. He hadn't even thought about it until that moment, but he would have to see the Premier and officially be sworn in as the new commander. There were so many things on his mind…
He filed that away for something he'd try to see about tomorrow. In that moment, he focused only on drawing as little attention to himself as possible as he walked through the crowd, keeping his head low, not looking at any of the angry, bitter faces that hurled curses at him and spat at his feet. Why hadn't the Survey Corps killed all the Titans years ago? Why had they allowed so many to congregate around the wall? Why hadn't they ridden out as soon as the gate was destroyed to help them? No answer would satisfy them, so Erwin pushed forward in silence. Cecile had mentioned the Garrison's storage warehouse was now a makeshift refugee camp, so that was the first place he needed to visit. Garrison headquarters weren't that far from the Survey Corps', so he decided walking would probably take less time than trying to hail a carriage.
As he made his way further into the district's interior, he noticed that the streets were more crowded than usual, congested with so many people wandering aimlessly or sitting or laying by the gutters, all with the same haunted, glassy eyes that stared beyond anything anyone but they themselves could see. Those were the refugees, he knew instantly; theirs were the eyes that had seen true horror. Dropping his gaze back to the ground, he quickened his pace. The closer he got to the headquarters, the more cramped the streets became, until he was forced to squeeze between people just to take another step. The heat and smell of so many bodies pressed so tightly together made his head spin, not helped as several of the people he tried to move past pushed him back, snarling curses he could barely hear over all the other angry voices, the cries of children and adults alike, arguments stacking atop arguments… Tall as he was, Erwin could barely see anything in this lake of despondent faces and muted clothes. His eyes finally landed on a familiar tan uniform, the crimson thread of the rose insignia catching in the quickly fading light. He pushed towards the soldier with a renewed vigor, stumbling and fighting against the crowd with every step.
"Excuse me! Officer!" Even from where he stood, he could see the Garrison soldier rolling his eyes, not even bothering to hide his disdain as Erwin approached.
"Rations are being handed out inside the courtyard; get in line."
"I'm not here for rations. I need information. Have you compiled a list of refugees yet?" Muddy eyes narrowed as the Garrison sneered at him.
"You blind or just stupid? You see all these rats scrounging around? Every few seconds, a dozen more scurry in here looking for handouts; when the fuck would we have had time to take names?" Erwin was taken aback by how hateful the man sounded, and it was clear from the offended gasps and looks that the refugees within earshot weren't too pleased with how they were being described, either. An older man stepped forward, poking a gnarled finger into the soldier's chest.
"You'd best watch your goddamn mouth, you freeloader; these rats are the ones who've been paying your salary with our taxes while you've been sitting on your asses all these years." He slapped the man's hand away.
"If you think you're so great, go find your own food instead of begging us. Or better yet, take your worthless ass back out to Wall Maria and fight the Titans with your taxes."
"Why the fuck don't you go fight the Titans, instead of judging us?"
"Yeah, do your damn job!"
"If you wastes of space didn't spend so much time drinkin' and gettin' fat, Wall Maria wouldn't have fallen!"
By that time, more and more people in the crowd had joined in denigrating the Garrison, and their anger spread throughout like a ripple. Of course, commotion drew the attention of more soldiers, who made it clear they would not take these insults gracefully.
"All of you, back inside the shelter."
"We haven't gotten our rations yet, asshole!"
"And you won't be getting shit tonight. This isn't your barn, you backwater hicks; you're disturbing the peace-"
"Fuck the peace and fuck your mother!"
"You could've been finished passing out rations, but instead, you're all standing around jerking off or whatever-!"
"If you don't like it, find your own food! Goddamn pig fuckers…"
Mentally groaning, Erwin backed away. A fight was brewing, but it was not his. There was no information to be gleaned here, not now, so he had no more business here. He couldn't help but wince as the first blow landed, quickly pushing his way out of the crowd before it imploded and he was swept into the chaos.
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"Do you swear to support and defend humanity against all enemies, even at the cost of your own life?"
"I do."
"And do you swear to uphold the Charters of Humanity, and to ensure that every soldier under your command upholds these charters?"
"I do."
"Then I hereby name you, Erwin Smith, the 13th Commander of the Survey Corps."
Even kneeling, he had to bow his head quite a bit for Premier Zachary to slip the leather cord around his neck. He slid the emerald up higher, the gold filigree encasing it cold under his fingers. The applause was rather muted, with only three other officers present in the room. Usually, the Assembly would come on as witnesses, but the devastation caused by Wall Maria's collapse was far reaching, and the merchants and noble families were scrambling to ensure this disaster would affect them as little as possible. Colonel Aleister was the only member of the royal government present, and it was clear from his pinched expression that he would rather be anywhere else. Commander Pixis, at least, made an effort to make the newest commander feel more at ease.
"A sorry turnout, this, but at least we can have a celebratory toast." He pulled a silver flask from his interior pocket, offering it to Erwin, who declined as politely as he could.
"No, thank you. I have a great deal of work to do, and it's best that I keep a clear mind." The older man unscrewed the flask with a smirk, though there was something almost bitter in his eyes.
"You sound like Keith when he was first named commander. Let's hope you don't sound like him towards the end of your tenure…"
"I'm certain Commander Smith will be much more… effective than his predecessor." The colonel tucked away the watch he'd been checking, approaching Erwin. "Without Shadis holding you back, I'm certain you'll do great things. Undoubtedly you've already begun hashing out a plan to retake Wall Maria." He frowned, not quite certain he was hearing the other man correctly.
"Sir? We've only just returned from a mission less than a week ago. It generally takes at least a month just to plan out the logistics of an expedition."
"In the past, perhaps, but we all know you're a bright young man. What's more, you aren't even treading uncharted territory! There are hundreds of maps of Wall Maria; there's a road leading from Trost to Shiganshina, for god's sake!" Cerulean eyes narrowed dangerously, though he kept his tongue in check.
"Roads and maps don't do much good when one is weaving between Titans, Colonel. And while it may only take horses a day or so to get from one district to another, both horse and rider can only maintain the constant speed needed to outpace Titans for less than an hour. We'll have to set up supply bases along the route we take; a task that took over three years outside the walls, and that was when we didn't have mountains to contend with." At this point, all the assembled soldiers were listening intently, their expressions ranging from frustration to disbelief. Commander Harwin shook his head.
"Are you telling me it could take three years before you even get to Shiganshina?"
"No, Commander; I'm telling you it's going to take far longer. We have less than thirty soldiers capable of fighting at the moment. If the injured who weren't permanently crippled on the last expedition recover fully, that number might be as high as seventy; not even a third of the manpower we usually take on missions with. It's going to take at least a year before any new recruits are ready to graduate… Unless there are any members of the Military Police or Garrison who would be willing to transfer and aid our cause?"
"It's possible, but unlikely," Pixis told him "After so many have seen what the Titans are capable of firsthand, I doubt many will wish to get even closer to them than absolutely necessary. Once the Titans start scratching at the walls surrounding Trost, I fear we might have a mass desertion on our hands."
"Then you'd do well to remind your soldiers that the punishment for desertion is death, Pixis." Aleister spat. "If humanity is driven back any further, that will spell the end of us all!"
"We are all aware of what hangs in the balance, Gerald; some of us more than others." Zachary's low voice barely registered over the overlapping arguments, and yet, they all fell silent. When he turned to face Erwin, the blonde man stood a bit straighter. "How long do you think it will take before the Survey Corps can begin laying down a route?"
"At bare minimum, four months- our wounded need time to recover, but even then…" He couldn't sigh, he couldn't slump- he was no longer a lowly captain who could get away with showing his irritation. He had to be calm and collected at all times. "The problem is that we lack manpower, General. The Long-Distance Enemy Scouting Formation had proven to greatly reduce our casualties, but its effectiveness hinges on having enough soldiers to spread out. We need at least a hundred more Scouts to even have a hope of effectively scanning the field, and even if a hundred recruits joined today, it would still take two to three months for them to learn the formation."
"Then bugger your formation and do things the old fashioned way," Aleister all but sneered. "The longer we take to plug up the hole in Wall Maria, the more of those… things will funnel through. The time to act is now, while their numbers are still relatively low."
"Gerald's right," Harwin nodded, his mouth set in a hard line. "This early into the breach, we could kill the majority of them, easily." Erwin's jaw clenched, but Pixis spoke up before he could open his mouth.
"I notice the two of you are saying 'we' an awful lot. Has our dire situation compelled the two of you to step onto the front lines?" Golden eyes flashed dangerously, though his tone remained cordial. "I know you were Military Police before your promotion, Gerald; your ODM skills would undoubtedly be put to better use killing Titans rather than going to seed behind Wall Sina. Don't you agree, Commander Erwin?"
"That's- I- I have far too many duties with the Assembly to waste time training," the thin man quickly sputtered.
"Of course, colonel. Your ensuring our expedition budget remains uncut is just as important as the expeditions themselves. We've lost many supplies now that we can no longer return to our caches outside Wall Maria, so we'll need as much funding as possible to replace it all."
"Too true. In fact, we may have to increase the starting salary for Scouts as well-"
"What?!" The colonel's eyes nearly bulged out of his head, but General Zachary continued on as though he hadn't noticed.
"For seventy years, the Survey Corps has existed because starry-eyed children have more courage than sense- no offense meant, Erwin."
"None taken, sir. You're right- nothing in training even comes close to the terror of actually facing a Titan, or of witnessing what they're capable of."
"Exactly, but now, when we have need of the Survey Corps more than ever, humanity has, for the first time in nearly a century, remembered why we fear the Titans in the first place. People who have survived the Titans are not likely to repeat the experience, and people who haven't will undoubtedly wish to keep it that way."
"Then issue a mandatory draft!" Harwin exclaimed, anger creeping into his voice. "The continuation of the human species hangs in the balance- this isn't the time to try and coax these people into doing the bare minimum!" Pixis' mustache twitched as the furrows above his brow deepened.
"I'd say raising taxes a bit to give the people risking their lives fair compensation is the 'bare minimum', Alex. I'm certain the majority of families in the Interior would just end up 'donating' to keep their children safe behind Wall Sina, anyway." The head of the MP's neck flushed even as his face remained livid, a thick vein in his temple visibly pulsating.
"Have you ever seen a Titan, Commander Harwin?" Erwin asked quietly. "Have you witnessed them put a human being in their mouth, and end their life with a single bite?"
"N-no, I haven't…"
"Well, there are hundreds of people in Trost who have. And I assure you that if you tried to force them to relive that experience, most would take their own lives first. This isn't something you can so easily demand people do." A soldier who wasn't fully prepared to give their hearts, their lives, in service was nothing but a liability. I hated every moment of it… The premier cleared his throat.
"We aren't yet so close to the brink that we need to start gang pressing refugees into the military." He clapped a rather fatherly hand on Erwin's back, as high as he could comfortably reach. "I daresay we've wasted more than enough of your time, Commander Erwin. You know what will be best for the Survey Corps going forward, and I'm certain that everyone here will do everything in their power to ensure our brave Scouts are able to fulfill their duties." His smile was mostly genial, but something unusual flashed in his eyes as he glanced back over at Colonel Aleister and Commander Harwin, who both looked ready to spit nails.
Erwin recognized bad blood when he saw it, but he neither knew nor cared enough about these men to hazard a guess as to what its origin could be. Instead, he gratefully took the out he was given, saluting his seniors and respectfully backing out of the room. He was half expecting one or more of the men to start shouting at the others as soon as the door clicked shut behind him, but the voices he heard through the thick oak were muffled. Whatever they were discussing, it wasn't something they wanted him to overhear, if it was because he was some young upstart or just because he was a Scout didn't matter. He had more important things to see to.
~o0o~
Pushing through the crowd to get back to base was no easier than it had been leaving. People crowded the streets, angry voices overlapping with fearful voices overlapping with desperate voices, all loud and demanding. They tugged at him, trying to get his attention, trying to force him to stop to listen to their plight. This one had to leave behind their family home, that one wasn't sure if their spouse made it out of the city… They saw the Wings of Freedom on his back and immediately decided he was the cause of, and solution to, all their problems.
As soon as Erwin stepped back into the Survey Corps courtyard, he allowed himself a moment to catch his breath. Behind him, the voices of the civilians were still calling out to him, this time joined by a pair of MPs, new ones, who were just as angry and bitter about where they were stationed and had no qualms about taking that frustration out on the people trying to force their way inside. A crack was immediately followed by an outraged uproar, and Erwin hurried inside. He knew all too well what the butt of a riffle sounded like when it made contact with a person's face.
An eerie silence filled the halls of the base, the voices of the mob growing fainter the further upstairs he went… but another set of voices grew louder the closer he got to his quarters. He had yet to move his belongings into the Commander's room, but as none of his new commanding officers were around to move into new rooms of their own yet, he figured he still had a few more days before he could no longer continue pretending everything was still the same.
Of course, that came with the disadvantage of having a broken lock, meaning anyone could enter as they saw fit… which they did, apparently. Very few, less than seven total, able-bodied Scouts remained at headquarters, three of them being the medical staff. The only one out that group who was fearless-slash-foolish enough to invite themselves into his chambers during his absence was Levi, but Levi was not talkative enough to be the sole source of such chatter. At any other time, it might not have surprised him to push open his door and see Hange sprawled on his couch that looked so small in comparison to that leather behemoth in the Commander's office, almost casually chatting with a Levi who looked like he would rather be anywhere else, but…
"Hange. What are you doing back so soon?" The brunette stopped mid sentence, quickly setting their feet back on the ground, much to Levi's disdain.
"Oh! Erwin! You're here now! I, uh… I checked in with my aunt- she lives closer than my folks- and she said they're fine, so I thought I'd come back early. They're adults; they don't need me holding their hand. I can do more good here than in some backwoods podunk." Hange didn't speak much of their family, but from what little they mentioned over the years, it seemed their relationship was strained.
A part of Erwin was tempted to order his former squad mate to put aside whatever discomfort they felt and return home; there was no telling when disaster could strike again and losing someone with words left unsaid was so painful… but, he reasoned, they knew themselves better than he did; if they didn't want to see their parents on the cusp of the world's end, it was probably for a reason.
"Very well. But why are you in my office specifically? You and Levi?"
"I was sweeping." Levi jerked his head towards a corner, where a broom and dustpan were in fact leaning. That simple explanation only served to confuse Erwin further.
"Why were you sweeping my office?"
" 'cuz I swept everywhere else and I don't want you tracking filth from in here out there." He said it like it was the most understandable logic in the world.
"Alright… and your excuse, Hange?"
"I just remembered that you're the commander now, and I need to talk with you. About Scout stuff- important Scout stuff!" The blonde man frowned, sitting on the edge of his desk, his full attention on the other soldier.
"What is it?" They shivered slightly, scooching closer to the edge of the cushion, their leg bouncing with pent up energy.
"While I was making my way out of the district, I overheard some of the refugees talking about the Titans that took down Shiganshina."
" 'Titans'? I thought it was just the one, the one they say is nearly sixty meters?"
"That's what I thought too, but no! Apparently, there was another one that destroyed the inner gate. Someone who claims to be an eyewitness said this one was smaller, closer to fifteen meters, but says it charged through the gate as it was closing. They said it didn't look like any of the other Titans, that it seemed to have growths all over its body." Levi scowled.
"How the fuck can a Titan that's not even twenty meters break through the gate? Sixty I can believe, but fifteen? If that were possible, the outer gate wouldn't have held all this time."
"We need to get more statements from eyewitnesses to corroborate this story, but if it's true, do you know what this means?!" Hange leaned forward, a fierce gleam in their eyes as they locked onto Erwin's own. "Titans capable of growing taller than the walls themselves… Titans with abnormal appearances whose bodies can crash through brick and mortar as if it were paper… If two of them are capable of cropping up, what's to stop more from appearing? Erwin… we need to understand how these things work, if this was some freak occurrence or if any and all Titans are capable of becoming such dangerous Abnormals. We have to capture-"
"Out of the question."
"What?! Erwin, did you listen to a word I said?!"
"I heard you loud and clear, Hange. Now let me ask you a question; where in God's name do you propose we get the manpower needed for such an undertaking? How in seven hells do you plan to go about, not only capturing and transporting a live Titan, but bringing it into a heavily populated city and safely restraining it? I just came back from explaining to two high ranking military officials that we don't even have enough soldiers for an expedition, and now you're talking about a capture mission? I thought you were smarter than that, Hange…" They flinched slightly, but composed themselves immediately.
"I am smart- smart enough to know that the possibility of wildcard Titans popping up out of the blue is going to hinder expeditions more than a lack of soldiers. We could have five hundred new recruits join tomorrow, and that won't mean shit if some random six meter suddenly grows ten times its original size and stomps them all like bugs!" They were right, but unfortunately, that didn't matter.
"I understand your frustration, Hange, and your concerns are valid, but my decision stands. Perhaps one day in the future, we might be lucky enough to take on a specimen, but as of this moment, the only thing the Survey Corps needs to concern itself with is recruitment and training."
"But Erwin-!"
"Commander. And my decision is final. If you have nothing else to discuss, then you're dismissed." The desperation in their eyes flashed for a moment to a frustrated anger, but before he could call them out on it, they stood, offering the stiffest salute and storming from the room. All that was missing from a full-blown tantrum was them slamming the door, but they instead let it close quietly behind them, not even shutting all the way. Levi watched them leave, completely disinterested if his expression was anything to go by.
"Are they always like this?"
"Only when they feel strongly about something. So, quite often." Erwin allowed himself to finally sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose. Different types of Titans, who were large and strong enough to break through the thickest of stone… As if they weren't terrifying enough when the only danger they posed came from being out in the open with them. But… why go for the gates? Obviously, the brick barrier was thinner than the walls themselves, but… how would a Titan know that? Did they just kick and ram into every section of the wall until they stumbled across the one weak point… or did they somehow know the gates were weaker? But… to know that, they would have to be… intelligent…
"Oi." Blue eyes blinked hard.
"Forgive me, Levi, I was… thinking… Did you need something?"
"I said did you find any leads on the gimp?" Erwin slumped a bit, his whole body suddenly feeling so heavy and tired despite the fact that all he had done today was travel to and from the capital and talk to people.
"None that panned out." For the past four days, his schedule had been the same; wake up. Fill out reports. Head out and ask around after Thomasin. Every day, more and more people flooded into the district, and it served as both a blessing and a curse. The more people there were, the more likely it was that someone, anyone might have seen the woman he described to them, but as refugees were shuffled around the city almost hourly, it grew harder and harder to keep track of where anyone could be.
One woman could swear a girl with curly hair had been in front of her in the ration line at the Garrison warehouse, but ten more people there said they'd never seen anyone like that.
Two men would say a woman with dark skin had been amongst those transferred to the shelter east of the river, but by the time he got there, no one had a clue who he was talking about.
A child might claim that a lady with one leg yelled at some of the Garrison soldiers, but said soldiers said no such altercation happened and that the boy was a pathological liar.
He would spend hours combing the streets, the converted warehouses and the makeshift towns of tarp shanties, asking every person he came across with that haunted look in their eye if they'd seen such a woman on the ferry or in the wagon train when they evacuated, but every answer, regardless of what was said, only led to dead ends.
"I… I don't think she's here…"
"Why? Because you can't find one person in a city of thousands? Isn't there some kind of saying about that, needles in trash piles or some shit?"
" 'Finding a needle in a haystack'," he corrected the other man, frowning slightly. "I'm surprised you would ask after her, Levi." Gray eyes narrowed.
"Why wouldn't I?"
"I didn't get the impression that you cared much for… anyone, outside of your friends."
"Tch. What, so because I'm not friends with someone, I must not care if they die? I'm not friends with any of you assholes, but I still put my life on the line for all of you-"
"I know, Levi. I'm sorry if my comment came across as dismissive. You've proven that your heart is dedicated fully to humanity and the Survey Corps, both. It shouldn't come as a surprise to me…" Chewing on the inside of his cheek, Levi leaned back on the couch.
"Yeah, well, don't think I give too many fucks. That four-eyed dumb-ass wouldn't shut up about her, but got too riled up to ask you themselves, so I figured I'd do it." The tinniest of smiles cracked through Erwin's despondence.
"I'm glad to see you're getting along with Hange, at least."
"I'm not getting along with shit- I want to be able to shut down any conversation that freak attempts to start again." His words could be as harsh and crass as he wanted, but he wasn't fooling anyone. Inhaling deeply, the shorter man stood, but didn't leave immediately. "You probably aren't gonna find her; there are too many people. Most likely, she'll end up coming here as soon as shit calms down a bit." That damnable hope flared up in his chest once more, and he sat a bit straighter.
"Do you really believe that?" Levi moved towards the door.
"Yeah. That cripple's tougher than you give her credit for." That was probably just something he'd heard from Hange or Mike, and regurgitated as a meaningless platitude, but still…
"…thank you, Levi," Erwin whispered. He could see the other man's jaw tighten, but if he'd wanted to say something, he thought better of it, grabbing the broom and dustpan and leaving the room. Leaving Erwin alone with his thoughts.
Hope and logic battled fiercely within him, his mind reminding him of the pain of waiting for a person to return when they never would, scolding him to just prepare for the worst so it would hurt less when it inevitably happened, but his heart refused to obey. It wasn't the same; Thomasin wasn't his father. This wasn't a targeted attack by intelligent humans, it was a wide-scale invasion of mindless beasts that she had spent years training to combat. And even if she didn't have the physicality or equipment she had been trained to use, she wasn't ignorant like the rest of the civilian population. She'd faced Titans in the past- she wouldn't freeze up in fear, she would act on pure instinct. If the oblivious masses could escape in droves, then surely she would be amongst them… right?
Groaning, he buried his face in his hands. Try as he might, he couldn't stop the worst situations from running through his mind. Erwin had never been a religious man. He found it hard to believe an omniscient, omnipresent being would care enough about the lives of humans to influence them in any way, and some claims, like the walls being built by God to protect them, or the Titans being sent by God to punish them, never added up to him. But in that moment, when he didn't know what else to do, he offered up a short, silent prayer, begging anyone, anything that might be listening, 'Please… please let Thomasin be alright… Even if I never see her again, please let her be alive and well…'
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A/N- I'm back! I have about a month's worth of chapters written at the time of posting this one, and hopefully I'll be able to work my way out from there so the next hiatus doesn't come for a while. I'll confess; as much as I want to write about this period of time, it's so difficult to actually do so because… there just isn't a whole lot of canon material written about it. I mean, yeah, we've got "Harsh Mistress of the City" (which I love, btw), but this period immediately following the fall is treated as barely a footnote in AoT proper- undoubtedly because Isayama felt getting into the action as quick as possible was more important than showing us how the world worked orwas changing. And for as much as I understand that, I desperately wish there was a sort of compendium for the world of AoT, in the vein of "The World of Ice and Fire" (and no, the guidebook doesn't count because 99% of it is about the same 5 or so characters). Of course, that could just be me that's so frustrated by the lack of world building, because I'm the kind of freak who often finds the main characters and plot of a story to be the least interesting aspect of it (and that hold especially true for AoT).