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Ch.24- "Sapientiam"

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Despite their inability to set up their first supply cache, the Assembly had been more than pleased with the results of the first expedition outside Wall Rose. There were no angry outbursts from Erwin this time, his posture and expression carved from stone as he listened to the barely contained relief bordering on glee from the king's ministers…

"What of the surviving refugees, my lords…?"

The distaste that twisted their faces made his stomach churn.

"You needn't worry about them, Commander. We'll have them sent back to the settlements they came from…"

He didn't bother arguing this time, only turned away the MPs who came to collect them. That may not have been the wisest decision, all things considered. His attempt at altruism did not come without drawbacks. The injured far outnumbered the well, and their paltry medical staff could barely deal with the Scouts who needed their attention. But even the able-bodied were not spared.

The horrors that had taken place on that lonely stretch of road followed them back through the gates of Trost, and for some, that was too much to bear. From Thomasin's grim warning, he'd been expecting far more suicides, but only two of the civilians, both rather young men, had taken their own lives.

The one found hanging in the showers had been an unpleasant surprise, but it was the one who'd gotten into the storage closest and slit his throat with an ODM blade that really began Erwin rethinking his stance on providing sanctuary. After all, it was his Scouts who'd had to drag the body off, scrub away the congealing blood, and now deal with the cruel truth that even within the Walls, even within their base, they weren't protected from the torment of death. The letters he wrote after that were not addressed to grieving families, but to families all but untouched by the horrors of the outer walls.

It hadn't been his idea, but Thomasin's- "What about that noble lady that wanted to fuck you so bad? Isn't she rich…?" The idea of going to Lady Glass for anything turned Erwin's stomach, but as Thomasin reminded him, rich ladies usually had rich friends, and they often enjoyed philanthropic projects. It was through clenched teeth that he wrote what his companion dictated (for the most part, leaving out most of her raunchier suggestions), and less than two days later, he received a thick, heavily perfumed envelope back, filled with fluff rambling about how thankful Lady Glass was that he was alive and well, congratulations for his promotion, and her absolute delight that it meant he would be attending far more events in the Interior.

" 'Events'…?" Thomasin stared at the letter as though it were an artifact of some unknowable horror. "It must be nice to be that rich… I can't wrap my mind around it; how does a person live like that? Untouched by anything that's happening in the world…?"

"If the nobility's behavior is anything to go by, I'd say 'very easily'…"

Alas, she could not do anything personally about his current predicament- the Glass family had already donated a considerable amount to a fund for orphans of the Fall- but, somewhat cryptically, Lady Caitlin wrote that she knew someone who knew someone who could potentially see to his problems and would inform them of his plight. Erwin had taken that as an empty promise, and put it from his mind until, two days after that, there was a knock at his office door.

"Yes?"

"Commander! There's a, um… pastor here to see you." Hange sounded quite unsure. "He says he's a friend of a friend?" Erwin frowned. He hadn't taken Lady Caitlin as the religious type.

"…send him in." The door opened, and a man of about seventy shuffled in, so hunched his long black robes dragged along the floor. His face was a web of wrinkles that all deepened as he smiled.

"Hello, my son. I am Pastor Daniel, of the holy Order of the Walls." Erwin's did not return his smile, did not even set his pen down.

"And why are you here, Pastor Daniel?"

"I have heard that God has set a heavy burden on your shoulders. It is every man's duty to help carry the burdens of his brother-"

"I'm not a religious man, pastor. If you could speak plainly, I'd greatly appreciate that."

If this Daniel was offended by either his words or his short tone, he did not show it, his face locked in that amiable smile, a wizened hand reaching up to finger one of the great chains around his neck. Erwin had seen the same style of necklace worn by one of the members of the Assembly, but whereas his had gleamed gold, the one before him now looked to be little more than bronze, the visages of Maria, Rose and Sina spotted with patina around the grooves of the embossment.

"You have taken in a host of Wall Maria refugees, Commander. But civilians have no more place in a military base than they do on a battlefield. Indeed, many of the faith see this last "mission" of yours as an affront to God; after all, He blessed us with these Walls to keep His people safe, not see them cast out."

"Then those of the faith should take their complaints to His Majesty, to ensure he never orders something like this again." Erwin felt his patience wearing thin. "If you've only come here to tell me I'm a heretic, you can leave, as I am well aware of that fact." The pastor's lips continued smiling, but a darkness muddied his eyes.

"This may be an unpopular opinion within The Order, but I don't believe you're a heretic… you or the other soldiers who join the Survey Corps. God blessed His children with curiosity, some more so than others… for what reason, I cannot say, but it is not my place to call His divine design into question."

You are a smart, curious boy- don't ever let anyone try to convince you that's a bad thing…

"No no, I've not come here to condemn, but to offer my aid. My parish is just east of Ehrmich, and we have an abbey that once belonged to one of the faiths of old. It's not much, but I believe it would be a more suitable place of healing for these poor souls than a military barracks." Erwin set his pen down, tenting his fingers.

"And when these 'poor souls' have healed? Will you send them back to the camps they came from?"

"Some may wish to return; they may have families still working the land up north. But they will not be forced to leave. We would gladly welcome any and all who wish to stay to our little community."

"I see. Well, if they wish to go with you, they are free to do so. Hange." They straightened. "Take the good pastor to the barracks."

"Sir!"

"I've been told that you are caring for the injured here as well, Commander. When they are well, I would be more than happy to return for them. I would offer my assistance now, but I fear the journey to the parish would do them more harm than good."

"That's true. Leave your information with Hange; I'll contact you when they're well enough to travel. Thank you for your help, pastor."

"Oh, I am merely doing my duty as His faithful servant. We are all but our brothers' keepers. May the Walls protect you, Commander… you and your flock." Erwin nodded but remained silent, his gaze unblinking until the old man had hobbled from the room, and Hange closed the door behind them. He let out the breath he had been holding, picking his pen up once more.

"You can come out, Thomasin. You don't have to listen at doors." With a soft grunt, she hopped closer to his desk, her knuckles straining as she gripped the handles of her crutches as though her life depended on them.

"I wasn't listening; I was waiting to see you tear into him about how stupid his religion is. That seems like the kind of thing you'd do." When he was younger, maybe. Now…

"I have more important things to do than get into theological arguments."

"You say that, but you seemed a bit standoffish. You don't like clergymen?"

"It's not a matter of what I like- I don't trust anything that has close ties with the royal government. Especially not this particular sect. One of their high ranking members is part of the Assembly…" Yes, the one who tried to get him to believe that the decisions of men like him were actually "God's will"…. No, dwelling on that now would accomplish nothing. He looked up from his papers to Thomasin. She was looking towards the closed door herself, her lips set into a hard line.

It had killed him to take Hange up on their offer, but they were one of the only people in the female barracks who was tall enough that their clothes could fit Thomasin… to an extent. She was wearing a smock-like tunic as opposed to anything with buttons, as those buttons didn't want to close all the way up. It wasn't even a matter of breast size, as her bust was considerably smaller than what Erwin remembered- not that he… kept track of that sort of thing. Thomasin admitted it herself,When I lose weight, my tits are the first thing to go. I think my chest is just… broader…?

"What of you?"

"Huh?"

"You seem almost defensive on the pastor's behalf. You've never struck me as the religious type, Lindemann." She scoffed, a coldness overtaking her usually warm gaze.

"When I was little, a preacher told me my skin was dark because I was born from sin. Pretty much everyone said I was dirty- "pig girl", that was the kids' favorite phrase, but… I was five. What kind of asshole tells a child that they look different because their very existence is an affront to God?" Erwin lowered his gaze. Thomasin didn't speak much of her life before the Training Corps, but whenever she did, he understood more and more why she didn't reminisce about that time.

"…you don't believe that, do you?"

"Tch. No. If God's so offended by me, He can come down here and tell me to my face- and lose a couple teeth for His trouble." He snorted, quickly turning his laugh into a cough.

"You're recovering well, but I don't think you're quite well enough to be taking any higher powers on in a fight just yet. To that end, I think it time for your dressings to be changed again."

"Alright. Should we do it here, or in your room so everyone can get the wrong idea~?" Erwin frowned, not only because she didn't know just how wrong of an idea people already had…

"Actually, I have something that still requires my attention, so I'll take you down to the infirmary. Things have slowed down enough that one of the captains can see to you." Thomasin's nonchalant half-smile slipped from her face like water from an oiled pan.

"That's not necessary. I can change my own dressings."

"I know you can, but I'd rather someone with a bit more training take a look at you. The last thing we need is for the beginning of an infection to go unnoticed. Isn't that what you always got on my case about?"

"That's different; I'm not blind and stupid like you, Smith. I know what an infection looks like. There's nothing some second-rate field medic can do that I can't." Icy blue eyes chilled even further.

"There's no need for you to insult my soldiers, Thomasin-"

"These are the same soldiers that let you traipse around with unwashed wounds and dirty bandages two years ago, right? I'll take my chances without their 'training', thanks." Erwin stood, squaring his shoulders and staring down at the woman beside him.

"And I won't. You're going to the infirmary." Thomasin barked out a scoffing laugh.

"No, I'm not."

"You are. You may not be on my payroll, but while you are in my base, you will obey my- Ow! Goddammit, Thomasin!" While he was talking, she took the opportunity to strike his shin with one of her crutches, muttering under her breath as she began hopping towards the door. "Where are you going?"

"To find that priest; he couldn't have gotten far."

"You stupid, stubborn…" Growling, he pushed aside the pain still shooting up his leg, catching up to Thomasin in three long strides. Grabbing her wrist, he ducked before her other hand could reach him; he couldn't tell if she was trying to slap him or go for his throat… probably the latter, remembering what she usually did to her opponents back in hand-to-hand training. Side-stepping to the front of her, Erwin wrapped an arm around her middle, hauling her over his shoulder and earning an earsplitting shriek that sounded almost as fearful as it did frustrated.

"No! Put me down! Put me down!"

"Try that on someone who might actually believe you're scared of heights, Lindemann- hey!" She beat her fists against the backs of his thighs, and when that yielded no results, aimed her blows higher. Of course, her hands on his ass didn't hurt, quite the opposite- that was the problem. "Hands off; you haven't paid for that privilege."

"You're gonna drop me! You're gonna drop me on my neck!" This time, her fear sounded a bit more genuine, and Erwin paused, taking a moment to pull her up so that she did not dangle so low as he slung the crutches over his other arm. Almost at once, her posture relaxed- not by much, of course, but enough that he noticed. Opening the door, he set off to the sick bay.

"I've never known anyone with a situational fear of heights before. When we were cadets, no one went as high as you during ODM training."

"There's a difference between falling from three meters and falling from thirty…" Her voice was tight, her hands no longer beating him, but clenched tightly around his belt.

"Yes, one would surely kill you."

"Yeah…" He stopped mid-step, turning to look at her before being reminded that her head was down around his lower back and all he could see of her was her own rear end, filling out Hange's trousers quite a bit more than they usually did.

"…are you honestly telling me you're more afraid of getting hurt than of dying?" Thomasin seemed to shrink in his grasp, what little fight was left in her leaving, her voice sounding even further away than it was.

"You've never seen someone 'get hurt' from a fall, Erwin…" He suddenly remembered the many times she'd brought up broken necks, and his thoughts turned back to Frey, laying trapped in his own body after a Titan snapped his spine for almost two days as he waited for death to claim him.

No, he hadn't seen his former squad mate, had only seen his body as they laid him on the pyre with all the others, looking peaceful and surprisingly whole compared to most. Questioned burned Erwin's tongue, but tact kept his mouth closed as he adjusted Thomasin once again so that he carried her almost parallel. There was no more struggle, and no more words as he continued down the stairs.

~o0o~

He'd only intended to leave her in the infirmary for fifteen minutes, tops; Captain Ramirez told him it wouldn't take much longer than that for them to examine her. Thomasin said nothing as he passed, only pointedly pushed his hand off her shoulder; if they were in private, he imagined he would have gotten an earful of curses, but she respected his position enough to bite her tongue in public. Of course, that didn't stop the whispers and inevitable rumors.

Most of the Scouts who had been in the Corps during Thomasin's short service had long since been killed or discharged, and given that so many young soldiers didn't know who she was, rumors buzzing about were inevitable. Erwin didn't know what the rumors were, exactly, but he knew they were about him, given how many times Scouts would immediately stop talking to one another the moment they noticed him. None of that whispering was helped by her still sleeping in his quarters…

Thomasin made it quite clear that she would be more than happy on the couch, but Erwin would hear nothing of the sort, taking the leather sofa for himself on the days when he didn't end up dozing off at his desk, maps and half-completed letters serving as his pillow. She'd even suggested they share the bed- it was quite large, after all- but Erwin shot that down too. There were times when, as he was working late into the night, he would hear a strange moaning from his bedroom. The first time, his thoughts went straight into the gutter, he was ashamed to admit, but as he had been coming from the bathroom one night, the truth revealed itself.

Pulling the covers away from Thomasin's death grip enough to see her face revealed a pained expression, her eyes darting frantically behind their lids as her lips moved silently, tears welling under her lashes only to roll over her cheeks and soak into the matted pillow of her hair. That morning, however, her face was dry and she greeted him with a smile so bright that, if he didn't notice the redness around her eyes, he would have sworn he'd imagined the whole thing. She didn't know he knew; clearly, she didn't want him to know, so he feigned ignorance and claimed that he was a fitful sleeper and that was why sharing a bed would be unwise. Erwin wondered what would happen if he did sleep beside her with her knowledge one night, if he woke her up when the moaning and tears began and confronted her. Would she tell him what was haunting her dreams, or would she continue to act as though nothing was happening?

Regardless, she needed her own bed away from him, if for no other reason than knowing she was forcing a happy face the moment she awoke for his benefit was driving him half mad with guilt. There was an empty room on the second floor, one of the few single rooms that would have been given to a captain if their numbers ever went above three hundred again. With so few soldiers, however, it had become an unspoken insult to offer a ranking officer one of the only rooms that didn't have its own bathroom attached, even if it was only a few doors down from the shared bathroom barely anyone used. He'd still checked with his captains to ensure that none of them would take offense to a civilian sharing their quarters. Whether they were sincere in their assurances that it would be fine, or else, didn't want to offend the commander by snubbing his lover or girlfriend or whatever they assumed her role was was unclear, but Erwin was not about to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Thomasin had no belongings he needed to move into the room sans the pilfered uniform she demanded be returned (the ODM gear was confiscated and remained in his office), so Erwin instead spent his time changing the linens and airing out the wardrobe and chest so the room smelled less strongly of dust, this mindless busy work doing little to distract him from his thoughts.

Was it wrong of him to wish he wasn't doing this, to consider letting her stay in his room, in his bed, until… until what? Until his lack of a decent sleep started interfering with his work? Until the rumors grew so distracting that he had to address them? And say what; 'No, there's nothing untoward going on; I'm just cohabitating with a woman and it's entirely platonic'? Would Thomasin find it nearly as funny when it wasn't just one foul-mouthed man accusing her of being his whore, but the entire Survey Corps? Maybe he should have let her go with the pastor; anything that close to Wall Sina was probably nice… But here he was, wishing there wasn't even going to be a floor of space between them…

Pulling a watch from his pocket, Erwin flipped it open, frowned at the time, glanced at the sun, and looked back at the watch face in horror. How in the hell had almost forty five minutes passed? What had he been doing for that long; just sitting around, moping? Clicking it shut and shoving it back into his pocket, he flew down the stairs, ignoring the calls from concerned soldiers. His mind painted a vivid picture of Thomasin making good on her threat, hopping through the front doors on her crutches, going after the pastor and the rest of the civilians, having already learned that waiting for him to show up was a fool's errand. That was silly, of course; Thomasin wouldn't just up and leave… It wasn't like she'd done that before, vanishing without even saying goodbye, just… leaving a note under his pillow… No… She- she wouldn't do that… not again…

He could hear the commotion in the infirmary before he even opened the doors, harried orders being shouted across the room, a pained scream rising in volume… Horrible sounds that preceded an equally horrible sight. The medics were working on one of the civilians, seeing to a particularly mangled leg, the smell of burnt flesh and singed hair undoubtedly the reason so many other patients were groaning and doubled over buckets. He was screaming and cursing up a storm, but he wasn't putting up nearly as much of a fight as one might expect, probably due to being held down by two bodies.

Captain Ramirez was leaning his entire weight across the man's hips and stomach while the other medics worked on his leg. It was distressing, but Erwin wouldn't have given it a second thought had he not spotted a fourth person approaching, slowly as she only gripped the right crutch with two fingers, the other three holding a syringe. Glover said something to her and she nodded, leaning heavily on her crutches as she held the piston between her teeth for a moment, grabbing the man's arm. He could see her lips moving, nary batting an eye as she injected him, her motions smooth, practiced even. The man's movements grew sluggish, and Thomasin squeezed his hand, her lips moving but her words swallowed by the other sounds of the infirmary. When his thrashing finally stopped and Ramirez straightened, Erwin deemed it safe to approach. None of the Scouts noticed him until he was right behind them, and even then, Thomasin was the first to draw her attention from the man lying before them.

"There you are. I thought you forgot about me."

"Clearly, you found something to keep yourself occupied with in my absence." She hadn't just stepped in to help at random, no- she was wearing the same apron and gloves as the medical staff, her thick hair held back from her face by a white kerchief tied over her head. Glover handed a roll of bandages to Webber, lowering the cloth mask she wore.

"Sorry, Commander; I know it's against regulation to bring in unregistered personnel, but… come on! Look at this place; we're drowning here!"

"I brought Thomasin in here as a patient-"

"I volunteered, Erwin."

"She volunteered," Ramirez confirmed. "She was just helping us with plasters until now. She said she worked in medicine." Erwin fixed her with a hard stare, under which she didn't even blink.

"I did. And I said I have experience treating injuries- which I do."

"She didn't do anything with the Scouts, sir," Glover assured him. "She was only helping us with the civilians." He couldn't argue with that; legally, the only people whose well being he had to keep up with were the members of the Survey Corps. There would be no blow back if he were to bring in a barber-surgeon to deal with the civilians… Still…

"If you're done with your rounds, I need to show you your new sleeping quarters." Some strange blend of emotions darkened Thomasin's eyes for a fraction of a second, nothing making its way to the rest of her face. Mostly balancing on her crutches, she reached behind her to untie the apron, pulling it and the hair cover off.

"Sorry I couldn't do more."

"Don't be, Lindemann- you helped plenty."

"Damn shame Shadis kicked you out; we could've used someone with a strong stomach all these years." She forced a laugh, hanging the stained cover garments over the back of the nearest chair and following Erwin out. She waited until they were near the stairs to speak.

"Okay, lay into me."

"Why would I do that?"

"My idiocy probably resulted in thirty more pages of paperwork you have to file now?"

"You didn't treat any Scouts, did you?"

"No. The captains wouldn't let me."

"Then there's no paperwork; I'm not legally responsible for any civilians."

"…then why are you mad?"

"I'm not?"

"You are!" Planting her crutches firmly on the ground, she hopped onto the first step, her movements awkward but determined as she turned to face him, now standing eye level with him. "I don't know what you're upset about, but you're upset about something!" She could read him like a book. He could be honest with her, but what was the point if she wouldn't be honest with him? No, instead he decided to admit the least damning thing.

"You aren't well, Thomasin. You're supposed to be healing, not running around, injuring yourself even further." Her whole body slumped.

"I was trying to help…" He laid a hand on her shoulder, frowning slightly at the visible jut of her collarbone.

"You need to help yourself first; it's been a week."

"I know. I just…" She trailed off.

"Need something to do?" Erwin supplied, earning a slight nod. He sighed. "I'd be lying if I said we don't need help; the Corps is practically on its last legs… but I don't want you feeling put upon to do something about that."

"I don't," she assured him, even though she didn't meet his gaze. "I won't do anything else here without your express permission, Commander." Something in her tone made him wince.

"…could you say that more hatefully? You're worse than Levi was." She laughed lightly, the sound bringing a smile to his own lips.

"I try. Where are we going?"

"Second floor. Let me carry you." He moved to take her crutches, but she pulled back and his smile vanished. "Thomasin-"

"I'm not being 'stubborn', Erwin. I need to practice using stairs without my peg; it's been almost eight years since I've done this and I am very rusty…" He almost flinched. Her tone was no harsher than he deserved, but…

He glanced down at the empty space on her left side. Given that those were Hange's pants, she dealt with the empty leg by tying it off at the stump, rather than letting it hang loose. She'd spent the past six days in the confines of Erwin's quarters, mostly going back and forth between the bed, couch and bathroom, and for the most part, he carried her. There was no problem in his mind, but… he couldn't exactly be her legs forever, now could he? He was already planning an expedition, if not for next month then definitely the month after… and… she couldn't stay here forever, could she? Even if everything came together, if he proposed here and now and she said yes, she couldn't live on base with him…

"You can get a new prosthetic, can't you?" She laughed bitterly.

"With what money? All my savings- everything is back in Shiganshina. All I had with me were the clothes I wore to work, and I don't even have those anymore."

"You should still be getting your pension. You're not dead yet."

"Tell that to the government…" Turning back around, she began ascending the stairs. Erwin stayed a step behind her, watching her knuckles strain as she put all her weight on the crutches.

"…was it this hard before?" he asked quietly.

"Yes and no. Pretty sure I weighed more getting out of the Corps so it was harder to lift myself up, but that weight was all muscle back then so I had a lot more upper body strength. Also, I had no idea what I was doing, so I fell plenty of times." She glanced back at him over her shoulder. "You think this looks hard? This is the easy part. Going down stairs on crutches for the first time almost made me piss myself. I never thought I'd miss that stupid peg so much…"

"Are you sure you don't want any help?"

"You can help by catching me if I fall."

"You know I will…"

By the time they got to the second floor, Thomasin could walk no further than to lean against the wall, panting heavily and coughing as she fought to catch her breath. Erwin could acutely feel her exhaustion, remembering how hard this same journey had been for him after his and Levi's… altercation… And that was only after a few days of being bedridden!

"You want me to carry you the rest of the way?" She couldn't speak, gagging slightly on her dry throat as she gulped down breaths, but she nodded weakly. She wrapped her arms around his neck without prompt as soon as he took her crutches, resting her head against his shoulder the moment she was in his arms. His collar was unbuttoned just enough that he could feel her breath against the column of his throat, each warm puff sending a shiver up his spine.

"When did you get so big and strong, Smith?"

"I've always been big and strong; I've been carrying you for years, remember?" Thomasin shook her head, pulling back slightly. He missed the warmth of her breath instantly, but the way her dark eyes roamed over him provided a similar tingle.

"No… Your shoulders are more broad than they used to be… I guess they have to be, since you're carrying the entire Survey Corps on them and all."

"Oh. I get it. You're making fun of me."

"I'm not," she told him, her voice little more than a whisper, but an earnest one. "Shadis would crumble under half the weight you're carrying… most people would. I don't know how you do it, Erwin. Stay so strong all the time…"

"I'm not nearly as strong as you think, Thomasin." He pushed open the door to her new quarters with his foot, setting her down on the bed and moving to close the still open window. "Regardless of what he might believe, I never wanted Shadis' job."

"But you took it anyway."

"I did. Otherwise, all this would have been for nothing." Thomasin dropped her gaze.

"Can't have that, can we? Have to keep moving forward. Can't let anything be in vain."

"No, we can't." For a moment, he allowed himself to be comforted by her understanding, but then-

"Gotta keep testing your luck, throwing good lives after bad…" …no. No, she still didn't understand.

"If that's what it takes, then yes."

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Being able to sleep in his own bed again may have been a relief for Erwin's back and neck, but more often than not, he woke staring up at his ceiling (or, more often, the empty space beside him) feeling no more rested than he had waking to the back of the couch or the pile of forms that had served as his pillow. The emptiness hurt the most. He'd had a taste of what Thomasin's body would feel like beside his- only for one night, but that had been enough to leave him acutely aware of how big this new bed felt when it was just him alone in it. No matter how many comforters he piled up, he never felt as warm as he had that first night… plenty warm enough for his cock to twitch and harden as he lay there, trying to fall asleep sometime before sunrise, of course.

Memories of her body pressed against his, the way she felt in his arms, the glimpses of her breasts, her thighs, twisted into something far more shameful- not shameful enough to keep him from stroking himself to completion whenever they entered his head, of course. It made seeing her every day far more awkward than it should have been. He passed by her new room several times a day, and it didn't take long for her to figure out his schedule, opening her door to greet him as soon as he was in front of it. If he was only stopping to say hello after moaning her name as he jerked himself in the shower, it wouldn't have been a problem, but just as quickly, Thomasin suggested they take their meals together.

"Just like old times, eh, Smith…?"

He couldn't tell her "no", of course; his only other options were to eat by himself, quickening his metamorphosis into a sad, lonely old man, or else, take his meals in the mess hall and thus invite his friends to corner him. They were already trying to weasel answers to their burning questions out of him; he was only evading them thus far by either piling busywork onto them, or else, locking himself in his office, citing his own busywork. It was so much easier with Hange, who he could just order to stay away from him when that wicked gleam lit up their eyes. Not that it helped- they were always lurking around in some dark recess, Moblit trailing behind them like a dog with his tail between his legs.

He'd found Officer Berner's sketchbook before either of them could recover it, ripping out a disgustingly accurate sketch of Thomasin stretching in a shirt far too large for her, and warning both of them that the Survey Corps did not look kindly on stalkers. Those words went in one ear and out the other, obviously, but as long as they weren't bothering Thomasin directly, their lurking was the least of his concerns (the sketch somehow made its way out of the trash can and into his bedside drawer). No, no one really approached her… well, almost no one. Erwin had been coming up from the mess hall when he first heard it.

Conversation.

Two voices, coming from the door he was approaching. Too muffled by the wood for him to make out any individual words, only the impression of words. Moving both trays he carried to one arm, he paused, his hand suspended just over the doorknob as, for a moment, one of the voices became clear enough for him to recognize.

Levi.

…what was Levi doing in Thomasin's room…? Arguing, apparently, the words no clearer but the tone frustrated. Thomasin's voice was no more pleased. The desire to simply throw open the door, to at least glean something before they stopped themselves, was overpowering, but… no. She wasn't his subordinate. She was entitled to her privacy. So Erwin lifted his empty hand and knocked. The row cut off quickly, a second of hesitant silence stretching out for an eternity.

"…yes?"

"It's Erwin."

"Oh." He could hear the relief in her voice. "Come in!" It dropped as turned the knob, not so quiet that he couldn't hear this time. "You. Out." By the time he opened the door, Levi was already on his feet, brushing past him. There was no anger on his face or in his posture- he looked annoyed, but when didn't he? A quick glance at Thomasin revealed no more than annoyance on her face as well, which persisted as she looked up at Erwin, her lips twisted into a displeased frown. "Is this how you're recruiting new Scouts; just get Levi to pester them until they join?" Erwin's lips turned down as he took a seat in the rickety chair that had already been set beside the bed- it was still warm.

"Levi was trying to convince you to rejoin the Survey Corps?Levi? Why?"

"Eh, probably because I didn't die during the culling. Guess luck matters more than skill in his eyes." She scoffed quietly. "He'd change his tune if he knew how shit I was even with two legs…" Erwin might not have called her "shit", but there was a grain of truth in her self deprecation; Thomasin hadn't been very good with ODM gear. Passable, clearly- otherwise, she'd never have made it to graduation even with her underhanded way of approaching mock missions- but she'd never shown any proclivity for anything beyond the fundamentals of vertical maneuvering. And yet…

"How did you manage to use ODM gear with one leg? I didn't think that was even possible." Thomasin's previous exasperation vanished from her face the moment the words left his lips. A long, long time ago, he would have called her expression "apathetic", but now, when he knew her well enough to know what true boredom looked like, he saw enough in those dark eyes to know that her face was guarded. Guarded against what, however, he had no idea. "You did use the ODM gear you had on you, didn't you? You wouldn't cart around all that extra weight for no reason."

"…yeah. I used it."

"How?" She stared deep into Erwin's eyes, her lips pressed into a thin line. She sighed.

"I don't know, Erwin. I just… did it. I remembered how to operate it- I don't think I'll ever be able to forget- and my body just… moved. It's not alchemy- give a man with no arms or legs ODM gear and toss him in front of a Titan, and I guarantee he would figure out how to use it, too."

"Still, it's no small feat that you managed to evade the Titans, much less strike a blow against them and live." So many Scouts hadn't even been that lucky. It seemed Thomasin was thinking along the same lines as him, for her gaze darkened as she lowered it, tugging at a loose string on her sleeve.

" 'Evade', 'strike a blow'… you make it sound so tactical… I just stayed behind them while they were distracted by all the poor bastards who didn't have ODM gear… I tried." She looked up, staring deep into Erwin's eyes, begging him to believe her. As if he wouldn't. "I tried to do… something. I couldn't go up high because I was leaning too far to the left, but I tried to slow some of them down at least."

"Their ankles?" He could assume which tactic would be most feasible for her. Thomasin nodded.

"I dropped two, I think, but… you burn through a lot of gas when you're not properly balanced, and… and I…" She closed her eyes, wrapping her arms around herself, fingers clenching into the fabric of her sleeves.

In his mind, Erwin imagined taking her hands and bringing them to his lips, kissing her scarred knuckles and the new calluses that formed atop the old one on her palms, but as much as he would have enjoyed that, he doubted it would comfort her much. So instead, he reached his hand out and stroked her hair, ignoring the mats and tangles, the way he had done when she'd laid her head on his lap all those years ago.

"You were afraid. Who wouldn't be? You had no squad helping you, no horse, no cover, no orders… They trained us to rack up solo kills, but there's a reason we're assigned to teams in the Corps. You did exceptionally well, given your circumstances." He paused, debating with himself if he should continue talking. "I know you're going to hate me for saying this, but… I'm proud of you, soldier." Thomasin's dark eyes snapped opened and she straightened.

"I didn't do anything…"

"You just said-"

"I didn't do anything! Everyone still died, and I'm still here through sheer dumb luck!" Her anger was a flash in the pan, misery quickly creeping into her voice, her face, as her lip trembled and she curled into herself. "…a stupid, worthless piece of shit who can't do anything… I never should have-" Erwin's arms moved of their own accord, his hands cupping her cheeks, forcing her to meet his gaze. Swiping his thumb over the dampness there, he allowed himself the span of a heartbeat to revel in how soft she felt. In a less mad world, he would have entertained the notion of just leaning in and kissing her right then and there, but as she blinked, two more tears dripped down into his palms.

"Don't say that. Don't ever say that, don't even think it. How can you think you're worthless? Because you didn't save every person there? Because you didn't single handedly stop the Titans? None of us accomplished anything that day; would you call us worthless?"

"No…" She tried to look away, but he wouldn't let her. He stared deep into her eyes, his own face reflected in their surface, brows furrowed, lips turned down in a severe frown.

"You're alive. Where so many others have died, you lived. Where so many others would break, you still stand. That alone is worth something. You've done plenty, Thomasin. Even if you can't see it, I can." He kept her head up, but he could not keep her eyes from casting downward. He was glad she wasn't one of his soldiers- his rousing voice, his inspiring words, had no effect on her. How could he have ever convinced her to ride beyond the walls and stand against Titans when he couldn't even make her look at him? What made her join the Survey Corps in the first place, he wondered, because it certainly wasn't him.

"…you're right, Erwin. Sorry, I shouldn't say things like that…" When she finally deigned to meet his eyes once more, something Levi had said once came back to him. What had he called it? Oh yes, "that shitty fake smile". He'd brushed it off back then, convinced the man was just pulling words out of his ass to try and get a rise out of him, but as he looked from Thomasin's eyes to her lips and back again, he realized what Levi had been talking about. He wouldn't call it "shitty", of course; it was still just as pretty as ever, even if the sight of it made Erwin's stomach twist.

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A/N- I don't like that the Order of the Walls just exists to be a source of some exposition regarding Historia and some mild contention for the SC (especially considering how much I love Pastor Nick in AoT2- his little character arc is so sweet). This is a big religion- big enough to have a member helping to run the shadow government- but for all intents and purposes, it doesn't really exist? I'm (probably) not going to make them a huge plot point specifically because I don't trust my ability to write something that complex- if I could write an uprising plot a'la the Sparrows in ASoIaF, I'd do it in a heartbeat- but the religion will be more… noticeable in this world going forward.