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Ch.28- "Reality"
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The sound grenade continued ringing through the houses long after the round had been spent.
"All Scouts, RETREAT!"
The village had been overflowing with Titans that they dispatched easily enough, but the steam and cinders and stench their decaying bodies left behind obscured the second wave of them hiding in the trees. They were hiding, not just lackadaisically wandering through the forest. Abnormals were known for being erratic, but they hadn't charged until the steam rose over the roofs. For decades, they believed Titans had no intelligence, that they acted purely on some indecipherable instinct, but that was folly. Even the lowest animals displayed an ability to learn, so why not Titans too?
A crack behind him had Erwin pulling hard on his reins, turning around to find one of their now empty wagons tilted to one side, the wheel laying at an angle on the broken axle as the driver tried to unbuckle the struggling horse's harness. The Abnormals were closing the gap, their spasms and twitching, flailing limbs almost as terrifying as their gleaming teeth. Locking a blade into one of his ODM grips, he rode back, cutting through the thick leather and freeing the horse.
"Go!" He yelled, even as the soldier was pulling themselves up, a difficult task without a saddle. Turning about face, Erwin dug his heels into the stallion's dithers, spurring him into a gallop. He needed to get back into position; there were eight kilometers between them and Trost. He'd just passed the center convoy when he heard the distant popping of flares going off, a wall of black smoke obscuring the pale blue sky from the right vanguard. He was reaching for his own gun when a green pillar rose from the center command, Mike loading a new canister just as he took his place back at the head of the wedge.
"What took you so long?"
"One of the wagons broke an axle. I was helping-"
"That's not your job," Mike reminded him harshly. "We need you here, not in the rear." He was right, of course. If someone someone stumbled, or got separated, or if an entire section was wiped out, all he could do was ignore them.
Ignore the faint screams echoing across the plains and only pay attention to the red and black smoke coming closer… closer… too close. A lone rider, a young woman on a frothing bay, galloped towards them full tilt, her face shining with either sweat or tears, or a combination of the two.
"Sir! Dietrich's Squad has been compromised! There are two Abnormals on our three!"
"Join the center convoy! Mike! How far are they from us?"
"About fifty meters southeast, but- Fuck! More are closing in from the north!" The words had no sooner left his mouth than a wall of red smoke rose before them. Erwin fired off a green flare westward, praying their already weakened right side wouldn't fall prey to anymore Titans. They were coming up upon a line of pine trees, their spindly crowns swaying violently despite the stillness of the air. As wide as their turn radius was, they wouldn't be able to avoid it completely.
"Send word to Cecile to bring in the rear."
"Nanaba-"
"I'm on it!" They didn't need any Titans picking off stragglers. One of the trees exploded in a shower of bark and needles as a twelve-meter rammed into it, the massive trunk taking off its arm at the elbow before it yielded. If it felt the loss of its limb, the pain could not stand against its hunger as it charged at them.
Three vanguard Scouts already stood in their saddles, firing their hooks into the remaining trees and racing to kill the creature before it reached the main force. One was snatched from the air, blood splattering across a face the size of a house as massive teeth closed over head and torso, sending legs flying. One of the remaining Scouts made the mistake of looking back- never look back- that split-second distraction enough for fingers as big as logs to wrap around them, squeezing all the blood from their body as every bone shattered under the pressure.
"Fuck!" Erwin barely heard the swear behind him before it was overtaken by the hiss of wires unspooling. Mike moved faster on the wires than their horses, leaving behind a trail of exhaust as he climbed up, up, circling the massive head and coming down upon its nape like the wrath of God. The remaining vanguard Scout had taken out the ten-meter that appeared after, distracted as it was gorging on the fallen. But of course, Titans rarely came solely in pairs. They'd just passed the trees when he saw it in his periphery, eyes gleaming in the darkness, a flash of hair, of teeth. He heard the branches breaking, heard the scream.
"Mike!" Erwin looked back over his shoulder- never look back- just in time to see giant curled fingers swiping at the wires, sending his lieutenant plummeting to the ground. A dark blur zipped past him, vanishing into the trees, and the fingers exploded into a shower of blood and steam and meat. Erwin forced himself to turn back ahead, loading in another sound grenade. The ringing covered up the sound of wires, and he startled as something heavy knocked against the small of his back.
"Fuck, you had to fire that thing off right in my ear, didn't you?" Levi groused as he mounted his horse. Reaching behind himself, Erwin's hand made contact with something hard and warm, covered in canvas. It yelled loudly.
"Augh! Shit, that's my arm- stop touchin' it!" He didn't bother hiding the relief in his sigh.
"Can you sit up?"
"No. Whole… right side's broken…"
"You'll live. We're almost to our intermediary base."
~o0o~
Erwin sat at his desk, eyes flitting back and forth as he scanned the map before him. Next month's expedition originally had them cutting through an especially dense forest, but after running into two ambushes, he'd turned his attention to running calculations in his mind to figure out which path around would result in the least amount of time lost. It was easy to say the left-hand route would be the fastest in terms of raw numbers, but he wasn't leading numbers. He was leading people and horses and wagons who would have to contend with ground made softer by the nearby river.
From what he could see, the right-hand route was uneven, but he couldn't tell if the hills there were actually so large, or if this was just artistic interpretation. They might have to send out a small group to survey the terrain before the mission proper. A heavy "thump" on the door drew him from his tangled thoughts.
"Who is it?"
"'s me." He could barely hear Mike through the wood. Getting to his feet, Erwin unlocked and opened the door, frowning at his lieutenant.
"You shouldn't be up yet."
"'m fine," Mike mumbled, pushing past him.
"You were struck by a Titan-"
"I know- I was there. I said I'm fine." He was dragging his feet, his body curved towards the right. A cast covered his arm from bicep to wrist. Even sitting looked painful as he slowly lowered himself to the couch, his face contorted in a tight grimace. Breathing hard, he looked up at Erwin. "You got anything to drink?"
"I can make you some tea."
"Your tea tastes like piss."
Lips thinning in annoyance, he walked over to the cabinet that held what remained of his predecessor's liquor stash. He'd added a few bottles of his own, gifts slipped into his pockets by appreciative noble ladies at Lord Clemons's gala last year, but pickings were still slim. He poured two fingers of gin into a tumbler, his hand awkwardly left hanging as Mike snatched it away from him and threw the shot back in one gulp.
"…aren't you on pain medicine? You're not supposed to drink yet." The taller man winced as the burn worked down his throat, and scoffed.
"And what if I do? What, is it gonna make me even slower? Weaker?" Erwin's hard expression softened, pity creeping into his eyes as he sat beside his friend.
"You are neither slow nor weak, Mike. You're human. Everyone has slip-ups-"
"No!" Mike snapped, his eyes flashing furiously. "Everyone else has slip-ups. Not me. I'm supposed to be stronger and faster and better than them!" His angry expression wavered as he slumped forward, the pain in his voice stemming from something deeper than his broken ribs. " 'Humanity's Strongest Soldier' should be able to see a three-meter hand coming straight at him…"
"Mike, you don't actually believe that idiocy, do you?" He couldn't possibly; he was one of the humblest people Erwin had ever known. But then again, with the way he was speaking…
"Of course not," the other man muttered, half to himself. "But it doesn't matter what I believe. Everyone else believes it. They all think I'm this amazing soldier, and it makes them work harder and have less doubts, and it makes the nobility keep making donations even when we lose an entire squad because 'Humanity's Strongest Soldier is still alive, so they're still making headway'…" Mike's hand shook as he squeezed the glass, and Erwin eyed it intently, ready to pull it away at the first sign of cracking. "If I start fucking up and getting hurt, how does that look to everyone?"
"It doesn't matter what it looks like," Erwin told him firmly. "If any fool thinks less of you because you got hit by a Titan and survived, their opinion isn't worth the air wasted to think of it." The taller man shook his head slowly.
"The only reason I survived is because Levi saved my ass. I blacked out when I hit the ground; if he hadn't grabbed me, I would've been stepped on… or worse." His jaw tightened. "Levi's a really good solider. Really good. Whatever faults he has personality-wise, you can't deny that we'd probably have suffered way more casualties than we did without him. Not just on this mission, but ever since he joined the Scouts…"
He was right. Levi couldn't be everywhere at once, of course, but during those times when Titans broke through and reached the center column, Levi's near inhuman speed and frighteningly efficient subjugation of the creatures resulted in the death rate of their newest recruits plateauing. Combined with the drop in casualties since the Long-Distance Enemy Scouting Formation was implemented, these days, they rarely lost more soldiers than they recruited.
"His skills have been a blessing," Erwin acquiesced. "If he continues to show as much discipline in the field as he has these past six months, I'll probably end up making him a captain before the year is out."
"Name him your lieutenant." Cerulean eyes blinked hard.
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me." Mike looked up, his eyes unyielding, almost cold. This close, Erwin could see the tinge of green close to the pupil. "Name Levi your Lieutenant. The second-in-command needs to be someone with the highest chance of actually surviving expeditions, and that-" He closed his eyes, brows furrowing in frustration. "…that isn't me. Not anymore. Levi is stronger and more skilled than I could ever dream of being. And for as petulant as he can be, the man would follow you into the flames of Hell. The vets all feel safer when he's around, all the recruits look up to him… He's the person you need standing beside you, Erwin. Not me." Erwin remained silent for a long time, weighing his friend's words as Mike pushed himself to his feet, trudging over to the alcohol and pouring himself another glass of gin. He hadn't spoken a single lie, and yet, his words weren't entirely the truth, either.
"Mike. Do you think I chose you to be my second-in-command because you're physically strong?"
"I mean, I figured that was part of it, at least…"
"Did you realize what the other 'parts of it' were? Your experience? Your ability to lead, and stay calm no matter the situation? Your intelligence? My trust in you, forged over a decade of fighting alongside you? Levi is strong, yes, and skilled… but Levi is not you. In the four years since he's joined the Survey Corps, I only know one decision he made independent of anyone's orders, and that decision got Flagon's squad killed. Was it a spur of the moment mistake? Perhaps, but I wouldn't entrust the future of the Survey Corps to someone whose mistakes are so costly. He may well grow into a fine leader, but until then, you will remain my second-in-command." Mike paused mid-sip, slowly lowering the glass as he turned to face Erwin.
"…name him your lieutenant anyway. I'll still take over as commander if you… retire, but put Levi front and center. Everyone will feel more at ease if they think someone who tears through Titans like paper will be helping you lead them."
"You really think that will bolster morale?"
"Yeah." A small smile softened Mike's face. "I thought you trusted my judgment, Smith. I mean, hell; remember who recommended you be made a captain?" Erwin grinned despite himself.
"Yes, and I've resented you for it ever since." The smile slid from his face. "So what would you have me do with you? If I demote you, people will assume the worst."
"We do need a new Section Commander," he reminded him. Only about a quarter of Dietrich's section remained, the Section Commander listed amongst the fallen. "If anyone asks why the demotion, just tell 'em you needed someone experienced to handle the vanguard. There's no one more experienced in the Corps than me."
"Are you sure this is what you want?"
"What I want is what's best for the Survey Corps, and for humanity." Erwin sighed.
"Let's hope Levi feels the same way."
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If looks could kill, Erwin's ghost would have been languishing in some über-Hell, dead a thousand times over from every glower and scowl Levi directed at him over the past two weeks. For most Scouts- indeed, most soldiers- a promotion was something to celebrated, a point of pride. An officer being promoted to the rank of "Lieutenant", without even becoming a captain first was unheard of in the Survey Corps, and sparked a fair few whispers amongst the soldiers, but most everyone agreed that, if anyone was worthy of such a leap in rank, it was Levi. Most everyone but the man himself. He'd had no complaints when Erwin called him into his office, prior to the other ranking officers arriving, to explain the details of this promotion. No emotion broke through that armor of disinterest until Cecile reminded him of all the paperwork he'd now get to enjoy…
"Paperwork?" His eyes narrowed dangerously as he glared at the woman. Cecile met his harsh stare with a frown of her own.
"Uh, yeah? Who else is going to be responsible for your squad?"
"Squad!?" It would have been funny, the way his eyes widened, had they not been filled with a murderous intent as he rounded on Erwin. "Nobody said shit about a squad."
"Well, what did you think was going to happen? I told you you were being removed from Mike's squad."
"I thought I just stayed where I am."
"You will. And so will your squad- you are taking over Mike's position. I was thinking of letting you choose who you want to serve under you-"
"So I get my pick of the least shitty of all these shitty brats? Forgive me if I don't cum with joy, sir."
"-but if you're going to be childish about it, I'll assign you a squad."
"Great. Any other pleasant surprises waiting for me? Do I get to wear a special uniform? Maybe something with easy access to the ass, since being a lieutenant just means getting fucked-"
"Levi! For the love of God, can you have a single thought you don't immediately vocalize?"
"Is that one of my new duties, too? Keeping quiet and smiling while you're fucking-"
"LEVI!" Groaning, Erwin buried his head in his hands, barely noticing Mike patting him on the shoulder.
"A word of advice? Just let him say what he wants. The faster he gets it out of his system, the faster he'll shut up."
"Oh, I bet you're loving this, you freakish motherfucker. Dump all your fucking work on me. Next time a Titan slaps your ass, I'll just leave you there; you deserve to be Titan shit…!"
Levi had spent the next three days cursing out anyone who so much as dared breathe in his direction, but true to Mike's word, by the time Erwin handed the short man the names of his new squad, he accepted the paper quietly and without complaint. Everything would have been fine- probably- if he hadn't received a letter from the Premier's office that same day, requesting his presence for the swearing in of the new commander of the Eastern Military Police Brigade.
He smiled despite himself as he read the name of the new commander, his good humor soured in seconds as he remembered that Mike wouldn't be accompanying him to public events like this anymore. Groaning loudly, he indulged in a few seconds of cursing to himself before pushing himself to his feet and trudging off to find Levi. They would be heading off to Ehrmich in three days, and it would be best for everyone involved if his new lieutenant got all his fury "out of his system" before being confronted with the heads of the military.
In stark contrast to Erwin's own promotion ceremony, Nile's could well have been mistaken for a small gala. Every commanding officer from every district had come, as well as the whole of the Assembly. A lesser man may have harbored a grain of resentment at the stark difference between how the people in power treated him as opposed to one of their own, but looking at the pride shining through Nile's face as he stood, adjusting the ruby around his neck, Erwin could not help but smile, his quiet applause swallowed by the roar of clapping. Levi's hands were too busy covering his ears to clap, but fortunately, no one paid him much mind, too busy with offering the new commander their congratulations and pouring themselves drinks.
"Ugh. Is this all people in power do; stand around, sucking their own dicks all day?"
"No, we also get drunk and gamble away all the tax payers' money…"
"Commander Pixis." Erwin saluted, digging his elbow into Levi's shoulder to prompt him to do the same. He did not. He hadn't even noticed the older man approaching, assuming he was preoccupied with the freely flowing wine. Pixis waved off his salute, saying nothing of Levi's refusal.
"Enough of that. No need for formalities when it's just us."
"Of course. Did you need something, sir?"
"Need? No, no, I was just curious as to about your companion. I'd heard Lieutenant Zacharias suffered a nasty injury on your last expedition; I pray no ill fate has befallen him?"
"A few broken bones, but nothing life threatening. No, I'm afraid Mike has had to take over following the loss of one of our Section Commanders. This is my new lieutenant, Levi." Pixis arched a thin brow.
"Levi…?" He trailed off, waiting for a surname.
"Just Levi," the short man told him stiffly, earning a look of surprise.
"Oh! You're older than I thought. For a second there, I was afraid Erwin was so desperate for soldiers, he'd taken to promoting new recruits still in diapers." Levi's eyes narrowed as his lips twisted in disgust.
"Pretty sure the only one in diapers around here is you, old man."
"Levi!" Pixis threw his head back, laughing heartily.
"Oh, I think I'm going to like you, Just Levi."
"That makes one of us…"
"Levi! For the love of-"
"Damn, Smith, could you be any louder? There are probably a few birds in the mountains you haven't scared away, yet…" He looked up to see Nile approaching him with a crooked grin. "Don't stop on my behalf."
"Oh, I'm sorry; am I taking attention away from your special day?" Erwin's teasing smirk softened into a genuine smile as he closed the distance between them, drawing the other man into a half-hug and clapping him firmly on the back. "Congratulations, Nile," he said quietly. "It's been a long time coming." The other man scoffed, though he continued grinning.
"Tell me about it. Harwin checked out years ago; all this time I've been doing his job without getting his pay. Bastard finally retired up to Orvud." While Pixis excused himself, leaving the pair to catch up, Levi had no such courtesy.
"Don't mind me," he told them dryly, "you two keep making out, or whatever it is you're doing." Nile stared at him in open bemusement, before turning his confusion to his old friend.
"Erwin, who is this sassy, foul-mouthed child?"
"This is my new lieutenant, Levi."
"Wait…" He looked back at the shorter man, frowning until realization dawned on his face. "You're-!" Quickly lowering his voice, he whispered loudly to Erwin. "That's the-! That's him! Are you fucking serious, Erwin? You dragged some petty thug from the Underground into the Interior…?!" Levi's eyes narrowed dangerously as he took a menacing step towards the MP.
"Who the fuck are you calling a 'thug', you rat-faced piece of shit?"
"Levi! Nile! Both of you, stop this!" Erwin hissed in a harsh whisper. Glancing over his shoulder, he could see the other commanders staring in their direction, whispering to one another behind their hands. "You're causing a scene."
"He's the one starting shit with his shit mouth," Levi spat.
"Well, you're ending 'shit'. Go… drink something." Cold gray eyes glared up at him.
"I don't drink." Using all his willpower not to roll his eyes, lest they get stuck in the back of his head, Erwin reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet, grabbing a handful of coins.
"Here's-" he took a second to count them. "Five Sinas." He pressed the iron discs into Levi's palm, closing his fingers over them. "There's a tea shop across the street. Get whatever you want; just wait for me, and for the love of god, don't speak to anyone."
"…how am I supposed to order-"
"GO!"
Pocketing the money, Levi sauntered from the room in such a way that, if he didn't know any better, Erwin would have sworn he'd done all this on purpose just so he wouldn't have to stay any longer. Nile watched him leave, his face twisted with incredulity, before he rounded on the blonde man.
"You're sending him out into the general populace? Alone?"
"What the hell is wrong with you, Nile?" Erwin hissed. "Why are you goading him on? You're treating him like he's a criminal-"
"He is a criminal!"
"He's my lieutenant! And I expect you to respect him as such!" Nile gave a scoffing laugh, shaking his head.
"Respect Underground scum… what's this world coming to?" Inhaling sharply, Erwin glared at his friend, his jaw tight.
"If that's how you feel, I have no more business with you." Turning on his heel, he took two steps towards the door before a hand on his arm pulled him back.
"Oh my god, you're touchy… Fine; I'm sorry your little pet went and got his feelings hurt. Satisfied?" Nile scoffed, muttering under his breath, "You always did gravitate towards the freaks…" Whipping around, Erwin gave him a pointed look, earning a breathy laugh. "Oh no, no, no; I don't think so. I made friends with you, Smith- not the other way around. You were too busy spouting off your delusional bullshit like those Wall cultists to make friends with normal people like me. I felt sorry for you. Before I came along, you could only talk to the freaks and outcasts, like- like that girl… Ah, what was her name?" He snapped, as though the audible click would help the memory click into place. "You know, that weird-looking girl you were always talking with. Tabitha? Tina?"
"Thomasin. Lindemann."
"That's it! I wonder what happened to her…?"
"She lives in Calaneth," Erwin informed him quietly. "She's a nurse in the Garrison Hospital." Nile blinked, taken aback.
"Wow, you still keep in touch? I barely talk to anyone from the 84th, other than you. I didn't even think you two were that good of friends; you never even sat together at meals." He looked away, all his anger gone, leaving him with nothing to distract him from the unease those words caused.
"Time… changes people, Nile…"
"Oh, yeah? What, did you two start fucking after you broke up with Marie?"
"What? No! Of course not!"
"Okay, okay, calm down!" Nile held his hands up in mock surrender, laughing slightly. "Damn, you are touchy. Who'd think you'd get so offended so- …wait…" Hazel eyes widened, and Erwin silently groaned, already knowing where this was heading. "Don't tell me… That girl you were talking about… that was Lindemann…?"
"Yes…"
"…why?!"
"What do you mean, 'why'?"
"I mean, I could understand if it was just a quick fuck here or there, but the way you were talking about her, it sounded like- like you were serious."
"I was. I am."
"Really?" The incredulity in Nile's voice set his teeth on edge. "I can't imagine going from Marie to that-" Erwin stepped closer, towering over the other man as he glared down at him, his eyes filled with a cold rage.
"What the fuck do you mean, 'to that'?"
"Nothing! Nothing!" he backtracked quickly. "It's just… I mean… you couldn't pick two women who look less alike if you tried."
"And?"
"And… good for you for having such varied taste in women, I guess..?"
"Yeah, that's what I thought you meant." Nile breathed an audible sigh of relief as Erwin backed away.
"Damn, you could've warned me I was insulting your wife before I started running my mouth…" Erwin frowned, glancing away.
"She's… not my wife."
"What?"
"We're not… married."
"It's been years; why the hell not?"
"It's… complicated," he managed through gritted teeth. "So much was going on, with the Dissolution Faction, and Levi, and I got hurt on the expedition, and- I was going to buy her a ring, but then Wall Maria fell and-"
"…you just need a ring?" Nile patted his pockets, pulling out a pen and a piece of paper, jotting something down and tearing off that corner before slipping it into Erwin's own breast pocket. "This is the guy I got Marie's ring from. He's probably the cheapest jeweler in Stohess, but he does good work. Whatever you get from him, she'll love it, trust me." Nile grinned at him. "You said she lives in Calaneth, right? When you get time, come up and visit us. Marie's always saying we need more couple friends our own age." He gasped suddenly, his entire face lighting up. "When you have kids, they can play with our girls!"
"What?"
"Yeah! It would be perfect! It's March now, so…" He quietly counted to himself. "You can have your first child before the end of the year!"
"First!?" Nile threw his arm around Erwin's shoulders, paying no mind to the other man's horror.
"Listen to me, Erwin; whatever you thought made you happy before? Throw that shit in the trash. Coming home and seeing your kid's face light up when they see you? That is what true happiness is, my friend. Nothing is going to make you prouder than seeing them take their first step, and betting with your wife if their first word is going to be 'mama' or 'papa'… and then losing that bet… and then winning that bet with your second child!Ah, you're gonna love being a dad…!"
Erwin quietly gave up on trying to correct his friend, opting to simply appreciate the pure joy he exuded as he began talking about his daughters. When they were cadets, he never would have imagined Nile would grow up to be such a devout family man, but it was as he said; time changed people. He reached up, pressing the insignia on his pocket and relaxing as he felt a slight crumple beneath the rough thread.
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The unusually subdued expressions of the Garrison soldiers he passed by the inner gate should have been his first sign that this was not an auspicious day, the gloomy cloud that hung over the district the second. Unlike the bustling southern districts, Calaneth, like its western sister Krolva, was generally filled with a peaceful, almost sleepy atmosphere. Thus it struck Erwin as exceedingly odd that nearly everyone he passed on the street had the same pinched, worried expression on their faces. He was tempted to ask what had happened to warrant such a drastic change, but… no. Whatever it was, it didn't concern him. It wasn't anything he needed to worry about. All he needed to worry himself over today was not "pussing out", as Horace would say.
Pulling his hand from his pocket, he unfurled his fingers, stiff from being clenched so tightly. A beaten silver band lay in the center of his slightly sweaty palm. It looked so small… if it didn't fit, he would pay to have it made bigger, but he'd held Thomasin's hand enough to be fairly certain he knew what size her fingers were. When he'd explained what he wanted, the jeweler had frowned, confused. Gold was the standard for wedding rings, after all, a sign that a man could afford to provide for his wife. He knew that; he remembered seeing a gold band on his mother's finger, until her hands grew so thin that it kept slipping off. But he wanted silver; it would look nicer against Thomasin's dark skin… if she would wear it. No, no; he wasn't going to think like that, not now.
Coming up to the last house along the river, Erwin placed the ring back in his pocket, wiping his sweaty hands on his pants as he passed the coop, acknowledging the softly clucking chickens with a nod. The faintly sour odor of the river was overwhelmed by the smell of garlic and onions and sage and mint and a dozen more things he couldn't untangle, every inch of dirt along the base of the house bursting with life. He couldn't help but smile at the dark, glossy leaves as he knocked on the door. He honestly hadn't expected much to grow, given how little sun reached this close to the Wall. Several long seconds dragged on in complete silence. He knocked again, putting his ear closer to the door. Nothing. No muffled voice or thump of wood on wood…
He frowned. It was Sunday. She'd written to him the month prior and told him that, if he was going to visit from now on, it would have to be on Sunday, as that was her only day off. Maybe… maybe she was just running errands. That made sense… Of course, given that her birthday had been three days ago, she'd known he was coming to visit, so maybe she could've put those errands off until later that day… No, that was egotistical of him; someone who didn't even do their own laundry was in no position to dictate the schedule of someone who lived alone and had no one to rely on but themselves. Maybe he could find a cafe to wait in for an hour until she returned. Wondering where he'd find one, he began heading towards the main street.
"Excuse me! Excuse me, young man?" Frowning, he looked around for the source of the voice. The house beside Thomasin's had opened its front door, and a stooped old woman hobbled out, leaning heavily on a cane.
"Are you talking to me, ma'am?"
"Yes. You're looking for Tammy, right?" It took a bit of effort to keep his expression from changing.
"…yes, ma'am. I'm looking for… for 'Tammy'…"
"Oh, I'm afraid she's at work, dear." His good humor left him immediately.
"I thought today was her day off?" The old woman squinted at him.
"You're- you're one of her military friends, aren't you?" She could see his uniform, but she probably couldn't see the tiny Wings of Freedom on his breast pocket.
"Yes ma'am. From Trost."
"Oh, that explains it. I thought you'd know. Something or other happened with the canons a few days ago- there was a- a terrible racket- and poor Tammy's been working day and night. M-my granddaughter has been feeding her chickens for her."
"I see…" Well, that explained the gloom enveloping the district. "Do you know where the Garrison Hospital is, ma'am?"
"Well, unless they moved it, it should be right next to the warehouse in the middle of town."
"Thank you, ma'am."
He should have gone back to Trost. He was wasting his time and Thomasin's alike, but as the sun continued to climb, Erwin continued the trek towards the massive stone fortress that served as the Garrison warehouse. The hospital was massive in its own right, twice as big as the Survey Corps' barracks. Even outside the building, men and women wearing the twin rose insignia abounded, soldiers and nurses alike, many racing in and out of the double doors, just as many sitting on the stone steps leading up to the doors or leaning against the pillars, each and every one of them too busy and too exhausted to pay him any mind. His uniform gave him a measure of anonymity, but that did nothing stop him from feeling like an intruder.
He was just about to head back towards the inner gates when he spotted a face that was darker than all thr rest. His feet carried him over to the bench she was sprawled out on, an arm thrown over her eyes as she seemingly dozed. Not as deeply as he might have thought as she frowned at his approach, lowering her arm. She swore loudly, scrambling to sit up.
"Erwin, wh-what are you doing here? What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong," he reassured her quickly, quietly, "I just came to see you. I didn't realize you were… preoccupied…" he lied.
"No, no; I'm- I'm- I'm…" She trailed off, rubbing her eyes and slapping her cheeks to try and rouse herself. Swinging her legs over the bench, she pushed herself to her feet… and immediately fell back down onto the bench.
"Are you alright!?" She brushed Erwin off, rocking back and forth to stand again.
"I'm fine- just a little dizzy. You stay here; I gotta pop inside for one second, and then I'll be right back." She limped with her arms outstretched for balance, and another nurse offered her their arm as she made her way up the stairs. Erwin silently cursed himself as he watched her disappear into the building.
Stupid, stupid; how stupid could he be? Did he really hear that she was working day and night and not assume she was actually busy? Did he really believe that "work" for the Garrison was different from his definition of "work"? Sitting on the bench she had just vacated, he pressed his palms into his eyes, trying to ease the pressure building behind them. To think he had ever gotten upset with Thomasin for believing him to be selfish… she didn't know the half of it.
A shrill whistle, the kind they used for their horses, drew him from his mire of self loathing. Thomasin was in front of the steps, waving him over. Everyone was openly staring at him now, whispering behind their hands to one another. One of the male soldiers approached her before Erwin reached them, whispering something in her ear. With a smug smirk, she said something back to him, her hands planted firmly on her hips. The Garrison gaped at him, his eyes darting from his face to the patch on his jacket and back again. The closer he got, the louder all the whispers became.
"He's a Scout-"
"You don't think-?"
"He actually came here-"
"She was telling the truth-?"
"Bullshit; we don't know that's him-" Thomasin pushed the soldier she'd been speaking to away, grabbing Erwin's wrist and pulling him along.
"Alright, I got thirty minutes. We can have tea if I can remember where this stupid tea shop is…"
"What going on here?" Her shoulders slumped and she released his hand, her own falling limply to her side.
"We're… busy. One of the lift cables snapped when they were bringing up a canon, and… well, you can guess what happened next."
"My god, that's horrible."
"It undeniably is, but it's honestly one of the least horrible thing that's happened since they've started working on the Walls. I guess some parts are harder than others, and sometimes the pneumatic hammer they use to drive in the spikes for the tracks and lifts and stairs can't pierce the stone, so it just sends the spike ricochetting back into whoever was unlucky enough to be using it at the time. It doesn't happen often, but… it's awful when it does." She stopped walking, curling into herself. Closing the gap between them, Erwin laid a hand on her shoulder. She looked steady, but he could feel the most minute of tremors under his palm.
"It sounds to me like working for the Garrison is starting to be just as nightmarish as working for the Survey Corps…" Thomasin straightened and scoffed, looking up at him, her eyes hard in defiance.
"Not by half. The eastern Garrison has had dozens of catastrophic failures over the last six months, and hasn't lost an eighth of its soldiers. You lost almost a quarter on your last expedition alone." Erwin's eyes hardened as well as he frowned at her.
"I'll be the first to admit that losing seventy percent of a section is a terrible outcome, but what you failed to mention is that those losses paved the way for us to finish this section of the supply line. We're a third of the way to Shiganshina; no war is won without losing a few battles." Thomasin looked away from him, groaning in disgust.
"Ugh. Spare me your treatise on tactics, Commander…"
The tea shop she'd mentioned wasn't very far away, but they ended up passing it twice before Erwin pointed it out. Even staring up at the sign, she didn't seem to recognize it, but decided it would suffice. It wasn't nearly as fancy as anything within Wall Sina, but it was quiet and comfortable, and smelled good enough that he ordered two fruit tarts as well as two cups of chamomile tea, that Thomasin immediately changed to black tea through a yawn.
"I thought you didn't like black tea?"
"I don't, but I'll fall asleep right here if I so much as smell herbal tea." She yawned again, covering her mouth with the back of her arm.
She wore the same tan jacket as any soldier, the red thread of the double roses still vivid, but as a non-combatant, she lacked the riding pants and ODM harnesses, wearing instead a dark blue dress with a white apron pinned over it, the same as the other nurses. Her hair was pulled back into a thick braid, covered with a white kerchief the same as any medic. It might have been a silly thing to think, but it suited her, in a way. Part military, part civilian; a foot in both worlds, but truly part of neither. When she opened her eyes, little drops of moisture glinted on her lashes like diamonds.
"Sorry, Erwin. I know I'm probably not half as exhausted as you, but I'm just not used to pulling all-nighters…"
"My all-nighters involve me sitting at a desk for twelve hours, not running around, caring for the injured."
"Yeah, but you've got to deal with Levi now, so I'm sure you're running around plenty, keeping him from abusing his power…" Erwin frowned, bemused.
"What do you mean?" She grinned at him.
"What, I'm supposed to believe that his first order as lieutenant wasn't making everyone scrub every nook and cranny of the headquarters?"
"…how do you know he's been promoted to lieutenant…?" Thomasin gave a scoffing laugh, leaning across the table.
"Uh, because you told me? In your last letter?"
"I don't remember writing that…" It had only been two weeks ago that he'd promoted Levi; he'd sent out his monthly letter to her before that… hadn't he?
"Yikes, Erwin; you're a bit young to be going senile, aren't you?" He wanted to argue, that of course he remembered everything because he did- he could remember the position of every soldier in every squad in his formation, he could remember the humidity on the day of their expedition and the half kilometer detour they'd had to take because the main road through Amity Village was blocked off with rubble and piles of tangled skeletal remains… and yet, gun to his head, he couldn't remember what exactly he'd eaten for breakfast this morning.
He wasn't senile by half, but maybe all those important details pushed away the less important ones… He'd probably just gotten the dates of his letters confused; after all, nearly a quarter of his time was spent writing them these days. When the server returned with their orders, Thomasin took one look at the glossy disc of strawberries and blueberries before her and, in very un-Thomasin-like behavior, ignored it in favor of the tea. Erwin was already lifting his second forkful to his mouth when he noticed, given pause.
"You don't want it?"
"I'll eat in a second."
"Just order something else; I'm paying for it."
"No, it's fine. I just wanna watch you eat for a while…" He gave her a lopsided smirk.
"Using me to check for poison?"
"Something like that…" Lowering her cup, she traced her finger lightly around the rim. "I'm just not looking forward to going back to work now."
"I suppose working with injuries would spoil one's appetite."
"Oh, that has nothing to do with it; I've dealt with worse that what's back there. It's just… the gossip is going to be crazy when I head back." He remembered the stares and whispers aimed in his direction, and set his fork down.
"Is that my fault?"
"No, it's mine.…most nurses don't come to the hospital from the military… Most of them are rich girls, just biding their time doing charitable works until their fathers marry them off. Since I clearly am not, everyone's been wondering how I managed to land a job here, especially since I don't even have a university degree. Captain Hyles told them I was recommended from the Survey Corps, but then they started questioning why the Corps wanted to get rid of me. I tried explaining that I didn't do anything and that recommendation was a favor from a friend, but… well, you say 'friend', and everyone hears friend…" She smiled, but it was more of a grimace. "So now I get to go back into that hellhole with everyone assuming we just came back from having a quickie." Erwin winced. Despite the almost haughty nonchalance of her voice, there was something disdainful in it.
"…it is my fault, then. I should have known better than to show up at your work, unannounced, and not expect it to cause problems for you."
"Problems? What are you talking about? This has nothing to do with you. The hospital is just filled with nosy bitches, and I attract gossip like a lamp attracts moths. They already assumed I got kicked out of the Corps for fraternization- ignore the missing leg, clearly that had nothing to do with it. As if most of them don't have a piece on the side…" She sighed, leaning her cheek on her palm, her gaze softening as she regarded him with a tired, but sincere grin. "You don't worry about any of this, Erwin; just seeing your face is the best thing that's happened to me in months." His heart fluttered hopefully at her words, and he slipped his hand back into his pocket, squeezing the warm band.
"It must be awkward, being one of the only woman there who doesn't have a suitor waiting in the wings…"
"Not especially." He wouldn't be deterred, not this time.
"What do you think about getting married?" He'd asked just as Thomasin took another sip of tea, and she coughed and sputtered, beating her chest with her fist. Her voice was hoarse when she finally cleared her throat.
"What, like, in general, or… to you specifically?" Erwin gave a noncommittal shrug as he cut another slice of tart with his fork, his aloof demeanor giving away nothing of his inner panic.
"Either. Both." Thomasin gaped at him, her eyes wide, her mouth moving silently, like a landed fish. Her speechless confusion lasted only for a few seconds as she looked away from him, staring down at her uneaten tart.
"Well," she began slowly, choosing her words carefully, "I guess I… don't." It was his turn to be confused.
"What does that mean?"
"It means I've never considered marriage anymore than I've considered growing fur and living in a tree." Erwin frowned. That… wasn't what he was expecting to hear.
"I thought all little girls dreamed of getting married some day?" Thomasin scoffed and rolled her eyes, finally cutting into her food.
"If you say so. What do I know what little girls dream of? I didn't have the time or energy for flights of fancy as a child. In fact, I'm pretty sure you think about marriage more than any little girl I've ever known." Glancing up, she gave him a knowing smirk, resting her chin on the heel of her hand. "Regretting walking out on Marie, huh? You see Nile living the life that should've been yours, and now you're jealous." Erwin's brows furrowed as he scowled at her words, his voice hard.
"I assure you; I am in no way, shape or form, jealous of Nile."
"If you say so," Thomasin muttered once more as she turned her attention back to her food. "That's probably for the best; she would have gotten sick of you after a few years. Understandably so." Her words struck him like a physical blow, and his heart jolted uncomfortably.
"What, do you not think I'd be a good husband?"
"You could be." She lowered her voice to mutter so quietly, he almost didn't hear her. Almost. "If you were a completely different person…"
"I would be a wonderful husband, thank you!" What was she on about? 'I'm faithful, devoted-'
"Would you?" Setting her fork down, Thomasin laced her fingers together, resting her chin atop them and staring deeply into his eyes. In the low light of the room, her dark gaze was inscrutable, her face so still as to give nothing of her inner thoughts away. "Let's be honest, Erwin; we've practically been married for over a decade. The only person who's more your wife than me at this point is Mike, because no one but us would put up with your particular brand of bullshit."
"What is that supposed to mean?" he asked, completely thrown off guard. He'd gone into this so calm, so prepared; how was this happening?
"Let me put it like this. If we got married tomorrow- legally, with a ceremony and everything- what would change?" Erwin blinked rapidly, trying to stave off the terror as his mind quickly began going blank, the unshakable resolve that served him so well in the field beginning to fail him.
"Um… well… we… could have… sex…?" Thomasin snorted, covering her mouth as her shoulders shook with barely contained laughter.
"Aww, you think you have to be married to have sex? That's adorable!"
"Shut up. I am not that naive."
"Is that the only reason you and Mike aren't-"
"Shut up! That is not-" Closing his eyes, he inhaled deeply to calm himself. She was doing this on purpose to fluster him, and it wasn't going to work. He was a god damned commander. "That's my point. Nothing would change. I would… I would hope that, one day… I could marry someone who I've grown so close to over the years that everything would stay the same." Slowly, so slowly he almost didn't notice it, that mirthful light that had sparkled in her eyes dulled, her humorous smile shifting into an almost grim line.
" 'Nothing would change,' huh? So if- hypothetically, of course-"
"Of course."
"-we got married, everything would stay exactly as it is now?" Erwin reached back into his pocket, his fingers closing around the ring as his heart hammered in his chest.
"I would imagine so." Thomasin nodded slowly, her expression unchanged.
"So I'd still only see you a few times a year?" Even though he knew it was still pounding away furiously, he was certain his heart stopped in that moment. His face gave nothing away, however, and she continued, her voice light, as thought she were asking about how his day had been. "Or I'd uproot my life- again- and move back out to Trost to increase that to maybe a few times a month? Or would you give up being a Scout and get a normal job so you can have a normal life and be this 'wonderful husband' you're convinced you are deep down? Would you give up being a 'great commander' to be a 'wonderful husband'?"
Erwin released the ring, setting his empty hand on the table and staring past it. For as brilliant a tactician as he was, for as much as he prided himself on his ability to consider as many outcomes to a situation as was humanly possible, he'd never truly considered any of the things Thomasin mentioned. When his mind wandered and he indulged in visions of what a happy, married life could be like, they were usually slightly altered memories of parts of their life they'd already lived. Sharing meals. Sharing a bed. Taking walks. Sometimes interspersed with blurry, half-formed ideas of a laughing child with deeply tanned skin and big soft curls and big blue eyes…
But all those dreams existed in a void of sorts, a purgatory where neither of them had any responsibilities to anyone but each other, where there were no Titans and no Walls, and no one else but the two- maybe three- of them. But reality did not mesh well with such childish dream logic. Reality was messy and hectic, and even if she did move to Trost- hell, even if she lived in the barracks, lived in his quarters with him, how much time would he be able to spare for her? Breakfast, maybe dinner if he wasn't out meeting with the Premier and the Assembly, or training and running drills with his soldiers?
He thought of Nile's misery, being away from his wife and daughter for a month, enduring that unhappiness because his work, however unpleasant, allowed his family to live a comfortable life. The months and months he spent away from Thomasin weren't for her sake, and would not magically be so if he put a ring on her finger and said special words in front of witnesses. Something touched his hand, and he looked up, startled. Thomasin's fingers, usually so warm, were cold as she clasped his slightly sweaty hand in both of hers. The nails on her formerly broken pinky and ring finger were missing. He barely even noticed. That was the kind of thing a good husband would pay attention to. Her lips were pulled up in a smile, but if he focused exclusively on her eyes, he could see the despondence in their dark fathoms.
"Hey… why the long face? This is all just hypothetical, right?" It was Marie all over again, but this time, the woman holding his heart in her palm was offering it back, offering him a chance to pretend none of this happened, that nothing changed, letting them both go back to the way things were. It was as soft a rejection as one could hope to receive.
Hange would have him push on, tell her that things would be different if she would give him a chance, even if he didn't know how, because he would make it so, because he loved her… But that was a lie. And they both knew it. So instead, he packed his emotions away for now, until it was safe to deal with them, and nodded slowly.
"…right. A thought exercise. Nothing more." Thomasin's smile widened just a touch, her shoulders slumping ever so slightly with visible relief.
"I mean, who'd want to be married anyway, right? Putting a lable on something leads to expectations, and expectations just lead to disappointment…" For a second, less than a second really, it looked like she might burst into tears, but when he blinked, she looked the same as ever. She laughed suddenly, a wry, breathy chuckle.
"What?" She shook her head.
"Nothing. Thinking about a conversation I had with someone a long time ago. I'm just saying that… I like this…" She squeezed his hand slightly, lifting it and pressing her lips to the pads of his fingers. Her lips were warm, but her touch left him chilled.
"…not being disappointed…"
"…nothing changing."
~o0o~
The sun had already set by the time Erwin got back to base and finished rubbing down and feeding his horse. None of the soldiers paid him any mind as they made their way to the mess hall, and he would have made it back to his quarters undisturbed had heavy footfalls not shaken the whole damn base as Mike ran up to him, grabbing his shoulder to stop him as he caught his breath.
"What is it?" The older man looked down at him, his brows furrowed in distress.
"You smell miserable."
"…what does that mean?"
"I don't know," he admitted, looking just as confused as Erwin felt. "Normally, if you aren't sweating, you barely smell like anything. Sometimes, I forget you're actually a person, 'cause you don't smell like one. You never smell upset or scared or even happy… but… you smell miserable today. What happened?"
"Nothing happened. You're probably smelling someone else." He turned on his heel, and continued walking. He was only about two meters from his door, but Mike grabbed his arm and pulled him back, sniffing him up and down like an overeager hunting hound. His acute nose lead him to Erwin's right pocket and, with no regard for decency or personal space, he reached in and pulled out the ring. Laying forlornly in his massive palm, it looked like a child's toy. Erwine could see the gears turning in Mike's mind as he stared at it, and when he looked up, there was an almost childlike hurt on his face.
"Did she actually say 'no'…?"
"Not exactly," Erwin said calmly, taking the ring back and returning it to his pocket. Mike trailed behind him as he opened his door and stepped inside. "She implied that marrying me would be… disappointing. She's right, of course; with the pace of expeditions, I doubt I'd be able to make more time for her than I do already. Who would want that?" No one, no one with any modicum of self respect, at least. Walking over to the cabinet, he poured a shot of whiskey and threw it back. The couch groaned and creaked under Mike's weight.
"Yeah," he agreed in a low voice, "I guess that would be a pretty miserable relationship- just sitting at home and waiting for months… But it won't always be like this, you know?" Frowning, Erwin turned to look at the other man, but Mike wasn't looking at him, staring instead at the patterns of the rug beneath his feet. "Things are gonna be hectic for a while yet. Years probably, until we seal off Wall Maria… but we will seal it one day. And then…"
"…and then what?" Gray eyes, made darker by the shadow his hair cast over them, glanced up.
"…maybe you should retire." Erwin stared at him in a shocked silence as Mike continued speaking to the rug. "I know you wanna help humanity move forward, but you've been doing that for thirteen years already. Nobody would think less of you if you decided you wanted a real life after all this. …hell, maybe when we close up those holes and kill all the Titans in here, I'll retire with you. Let a new generation continue paving the way forward while us old timers enjoy our golden years."
For a second, Erwin wondered how in the hell Mike could think he'd be satisfied plugging up Wall Maria and then hiding behind it, but then he remembered what he'd told his former captain, and Lisa and Gerwalt, too. He'd been humbled by their selfless reasons for joining the Survey Corps, and he'd given them an equally selfless reason of his own. To free humanity from its cage… Anyone would believe that, even if he hadn't achieved that goal, he'd done plenty to further it. There was no one he could explain the whole truth to, so that night, he spoke with the only person who truly understood him.
'What makes you happy…?'
Spending time with his friends… spending time with Thomasin… riding through Wall Rose and watching as the settlements gave way to nature before returning to civilization in a constant cycle… seeing his Scouts return safe from a successful mission… Beneath the surface, he was a deceptively simple man, wasn't he?
'Then, what are your dreams…?'
That was simple, too. To prove that humanity continued to exist beyond the Walls. To see the world the first king had stolen from them with his own eyes. To vindicate his father. As he stared up at his dark ceiling, he imagined that he was up there, staring down at himself.
'…why aren't your dreams the things that makes you happy…?'
Erwin shut his eyes, no longer wanting to see those pale blue eyes piercing his soul, even if it was all just in his head. That dream had been born of anger and sorrow and guilt, and yet it was as much a part of him as his flesh and blood. Perhaps it did not make him happy, but it served an equally important function, he reasoned; it kept him sane. It gave meaning to all misery and hardships he'd endured throughout his life. Did he not deserve the hope that, one day, when his father was proven right in the eyes of history, the guilt that had festered inside him since he was a child would be washed away?
Wrong though he'd been in his reasons, Mike had been right about one thing; it wouldn't always be like this. They would seal up wall Maria, and continue venturing beyond its borders. And when he finally found the proof he'd been searching for, then Erwin would gladly retire and leave that new world to the next generation. It was foolish to believe Thomasin would wait for him for that long, but by her own admission, she didn't think about marriage. Maybe she'd be less disappointed if he simply offered it up as a continuation of this, but… better.
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A/N- I'm sorry(No, I'm not...)This is still a romance story, I promise! And I just want to thank all my readers, and a special thanks to all my reviewers. No lie, when I get a review, that shit keeps me smiling all week.