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Ch.29- "Steps"
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The buzz of excitement as they rode towards the outer gate was exceptionally loud. People leaned out their windows to get a better look at the Scouts as they passed underneath, children waved and cheered. These were the same people who, four years ago, would have stormed the Survey Corps headquarters and hung them all for allowing the Titans to break through Wall Maria in the first place. No, it wasn't fair to tar them all with the same brush. Maybe these smiling, hopeful faces had not left their homes when the news first reached them, too afraid to dare venture out. Now, for the first time since Wall Maria fell, that pervasive fear was finally starting to recede. Erwin watched as the Garrison soldiers signaled one another and began cranking the winches to lift the massive gate.
"Thirty seconds until the gates rise! All Scouts, prepare to depart!" he called out, his voice just narrowly avoiding being drowned out by the deafening toll of the bell. His ears continued ringing even after it stopped, though not enough to drown out the chatter behind him.
"Ahhhh, I'm bored! Can't they lift that gate any faster? Hey, Levi-!"
"No."
"I haven't even said anything yet…" Erwin forced himself to ignore it; now was not the time to start regretting his choices. The giant chains rattled as the gate locked in place, dirt falling from its teeth.
"The 49th Expedition beyond the Walls begins now! Scouts! ADVANCE!" Spurring his horse forward, he led the charge. That first breath of air past the wall, untainted by the malfeasance of humanity, was always the sweetest. The newly designed canons had been firing all morning, and had done a decent enough job of clearing out the Titans closest to the Wall, allowing them enough space to fall into formation. All signs were pointing to a relatively painless mission, but there was always something waiting to throw a wrench into his most carefully laid-out plans. Today's wrench came in the form of a brown blur streaking past him, whooping with all the giddy exaltation of a child.
"Hange," Erwin shouted after them, "get back in position!" They'd ridden so far ahead that he could barely hear their voice, but it came through clear enough that they weren't paying his order any mind.
"I'm coming for you, Titans~!"
This was a mistake and a half, that should have been evident from the get go. The moment he'd seen that cunning glint behind their lenses at the mention of "Section Commander", red flares went off in Erwin's mind, but what choice did he have? They'd lost Claes on the last expedition, and while there were still several captains with more experience than Hange, Cecile of all people was the first to recommend them, arguing that for as annoying as their… eccentricity could be off the field, that kind of quick, unconventional thinking was exactly the reason he'd been made a Section Commander so long ago. Not wanting to bear the burden of such a decision, he put it to a vote between his other ranking officers. All three Section Commanders voted "For", with Levi's being the sole voice of dissent…
"You expect that four-eyed piece of shit to follow orders? You can't give bastards like that power; you give 'em a centimeter, they'll take a kilometer and everything that's not nailed down in between. Mark my words, Erwin; the second we're outside the Walls, that dumb bitch is gonna run off to look for a Titan to get eaten by…"
Ultimately, he was outvoted. Unfortunate, given that he was spot-on in his assessment, a particular skill that became more and more apparent with every mission they undertook. By the time they actually deployed the formation, Hange fell back in place, though it took every ounce of self control Erwin had not to throttle them. This was a three day mission, and they weren't even an hour in…
~o0o~
They were currently residing in Grenville, a sizable settlement at the base of the Schäfer Mountains. Normally when they traveled to Shiganshina, they used to the Schafsweg Pass further west, as it was wider and easier to traverse, but the Titans also noticed the ease of access and seemed to be funneling through it. This section of mountain was narrower, but while that would mean it would take longer for their caravan to make it through, it would also keep Titans from flanking them… unless the damn things suddenly took up mountaineering, which was precisely what Hange was arguing. Captain Samberg was requesting permission to take his squad further north, as they'd cleared out nearly every tree around the perimeter and still didn't have enough wood for palisades. Defending this village was of the utmost importance, given that it was going to be their base of operations until they reached Shiganshina.
Horace understood that, waiting patiently to give his report as Erwin scanned the maps laid across the dining table they'd commandeered from some unknown family's kitchen to furnish their makeshift command tent. Hange, on the other hand, had long since come to the conclusion that nothing in the world was as important as whatever they were thinking in that moment, their voice rising in volume and intensity until it alone filled the tent.
"I know setting up bases takes priority, but you can't honestly expect me to believe that we can't spare a single section for a capture mission!"
"That's exactly what I expect you to believe." He didn't even bother looking up at them, pointing at a small forest about half a kilometer north of the village. "Gather wood from here, but make sure to keep at least one person on standby at all times and return within two hours."
"Yes, sir!"
"Now, Horace, you were saying-"
"I was saying," Hange interjected, growing ever more frustrated the more pointedly Erwin ignored them, "we're halfway to Shiganshina! Now is the time to focus on research! What if we get there and the next thing we know, every Abnormal turns into a fucking Colossal?!"
"I find that highly improbable…"
"Improbable doesn't mean impossible, Erwin; I'd think you'd be smart enough to understand that, but I guess not!" Icy blue eyes snapped up, flashing a silent warning. Behind Hange, Moblit cringed, as though that glare had been directed at him. He lightly laid his hands on Hange's shoulders, trying as delicately as possible to draw them from the tent.
"Um, Section Commander? I-I don't think you should be speaking like that to the Commander-"
"Shut the hell up, Moblit; you are not a part of this conversation!"
"I suggest you listen to XO Berner, Section Commander Zoë; he's the only one here speaking any sense, and if you don't watch your tone, he's going to be your superior in short order."
Whereas Erwin didn't mind Hange's… passion… when it was just a small, informal gathering of friends, he could not allow such blatant disrespect to go unchallenged in a professional setting. Mindful enough to realize they were treading on thin ice, the bespectacled soldier lowered their head, their voice reticent at the very least.
"Forgive me, Commander; that outburst was… unbecoming of a soldier in my position." What little reservation they'd mustered up didn't last long as their head shot back up again, eyes burning with a much more subdued passion. "But everything I said was right and you know it!"
"Hange…"
"Its not even unheard of, Erwin! I was going through the Survey Corps archives and I found the report of the last capture mission-"
"Did you also find the casualty list of that mission?" he asked coldly. He knew exactly what expedition they were talking about, apparently taking place a few months before Mike joined the Corps. "Because if memory serves, I recall seeing that the Titan broke free and killed more than twenty soldiers before it was exterminated." Hange tried to wave off his issues, but it was a difficult thing to be flippant about so many lives lost.
"That was over fifteen years ago. Those soldiers were rookies, and the restraints they were using were ancient; those were the same kinds of restraints they invented when the Survey Corps was first formed. Listen, I've been working with Moblit and we've drafted up some blueprints for a much more efficient capture system that would make the process not only safer, but quicker as well! Moblit! Blueprints!" The young man fumbled with with the collection of notebooks he carried, trying to figure out which one held these revolutionary designs, but Erwin held up a hand to stop them both.
"New gear costs money. Where are you planning on getting the funding for this capture system?"
"That's your job," Hange whined. "I'm not asking for a king's ransom; it should only cost a few hundred Sinas for the Garrison engineers to throw together a prototype, then we can take that baby out and capture a Titan-"
"Hange." His voice was hard, cold. "Your proposal is summarily denied."
"What? No! I refuse to accept that! How can we hope to ever make any progress if we're afraid of making sacrifices!?"
"This conversation is over, Hange," he said, motioning for Horace to follow him from the tent. The sun was almost blinding after standing in the shade for so long, and he made a point of ignoring Hange's cries for him to stop.
"You don't think they have a point?" Horace asked in a low voice. "I mean, what if they're right? What if there are more Colossal Titans? All the witnesses said there was a flash of lightning and the thing just… appeared. What if that's something new we've got to worry about during thunder storms?"
"The storms were heading south the day Wall Maria fell, remember? It was clear around the walls when we got back." Despite his attempt to reassure his companion, Erwin couldn't help but frown.
They'd gathered dozens of testimonies from the citizens of Shiganshina present when the outer wall was breached, and while not everyone mentioned the flash of light, every single person remembered one thing- there has a deafening noise, greater than any thunderclap, loud enough to rattle windows in their frames. And with it, the Titan appeared and destroyed their tenuous grasp on security. Horace wasn't convinced, and honestly, Erwin didn't blame him. He sighed quietly.
"I want to undertake Titan research again, believe you me. We know too little about them for having battled them for over a century- and shutting Hange up would just be icing on the cake. But we don't have the manpower for such a thing, to say nothing of the funding required." No, that was a pipe dream, one of many that probably wouldn't be considered at least until they sealed the outer gate of Shiganshina…
"Sir! The recon squad is back!"
Well, it wasn't good news they brought, but neither was it exceptionally terrible news either. Using their ODM gear, they'd established that the pass was clear of Titans- most likely because there had been several small rock slides that blocked off sections of the path, probably knocked loose by the few Titans who stumbled through all those years ago. It would probably take two weeks to clear everything out if they got started today. A quick glance at the sky revealed nary a cloud blocking the pre-noon sun. Titans would be fully active by now, but the longer the waited, the longer clearing the pass would take.
"Very well. Horace, your section can take the horses into the pass to start clearing away the stone. Half of Cecile's section will go with you to serve as lookout. I want-" He barely heard the distant pop of a flare canister going off, but followed everyone's gaze to the lonely red pillar rising high above the village.
"Titans in the northeastern forest!" Mike's thunderous voice echoed from on high.
"All Scouts, gear up!" Erwin shouted his commands as fast as his soldiers could follow them. "Cecile's squad, guard the wagons! Mike's squad, head to the perimeter of the forest, but do not engage!"
"Sir!"
"Section Commander, it's too dangerous to go alone!" In any other circumstance, he might not have noticed Moblit's despairing voice over the clattering of ODM gear, but over the past two days, Erwin had come to realize that hearing the young man cry out "Section Commander!" was always preceded by some budding disaster, and this time was no different. Hange, despite having no orders to do so, had already mounted their horse well ahead of anyone else and blasted past him with a near manic grin splitting their face.
"I'll scout ahead, Erwin!" Their voice was already fading as they tore off in a full gallop.
"Hange! Get back here!" Glancing around for another saddled soldier, his eyes landed on Levi. He didn't even need to say anything, just gave the other man an entreating look that was met with a groan of disgust.
"Yeah, yeah, I'll get your idiot…" With a shrill whistle, he took off, the new members of his squad in hot pursuit.
Erwin allowed himself a small sigh of relief. Levi would negate whatever problems Hange caused, but those were problems that shouldn't have been cropping up in the first place. No, he was going to have to have a very long, serious discussion with them when Levi brought them back, preferably hogtied and gagged.
~o0o~
Given that they completed their fortifications of their base in Grenville, and all but cleared out the first of the rock slides blocking their path through the pass, thirty deaths seemed like an ultimately small price to pay. More extraordinary than their progress was just how subdued Hange was the entire trip back. Levi had not hogtied them, unfortunately, but had roughly pushed them into Erwin's tent, where they stood quietly as he spent the next ten minutes lambasting them for their foolish recklessness and the shame they brought, not only upon their station, but upon him for being stupid enough to believe they were deserving of such a position. They'd not met his gaze once, quietly agreeing with everything he said and apologizing. It was hard to maintain his anger in the face of such a pathetic display, and he'd dismissed them, seeking out Levi…
"What happened in that forest? Hange hasn't acted like this in years…" The shorter man shook his head, looking past Erwin.
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you. This, though? This is just an act- don't buy their shit for a second. Just wait until we get back to headquarters; I'm sure that four-eyed freak is pissing themselves in anticipation of telling you everything…"
Foulmouthed though his warning was, it ultimately proved to be correct as Hange approached his desk the afternoon after their return to Trost, laying a sheaf of paper atop his already crowded desk. Reaching into their breast pocket, they pulled out a palm-sized journal that looked as though it had been torn apart by several dogs, laying that atop the sheaf. At Erwin's quirked brow, they simply offered a silent salute and turned on their heel, leaving him in peace. Perhaps they had come to realize that every spoken interaction between them only led to more friction.
Sighing, Erwin gingerly lifted the tattered notebook with two fingers, finding it thankfully dry, at least. It had been wet in the past, as made evident by the warped pages and peeling leather cover. Flipping open the front cover, he frowned. Most of the ink was faded, washed away, but he could still make out a few letters here and there.
Pr-pr-ty o- Il-e L-ng-r
Frowning, he got to his feet, carrying the ragged book over to the cabinet that housed the personnel files of Scouts that were no longer active duty, be it retired, discharged, missing in action or deceased. Scrolling down to the "L"s, he leafed through the files until he came across one that listed all the letters he could make out. "Ilse Langner", a recruit of the 101st Southern Training Corps, and a member of Dietrich Simon's squad listed as MIA during the 34th expedition. Well, she wasn't missing anymore, it seemed… Taking her file back to his desk, he marked her as "deceased" and, setting the notebook aside, began reading through Hange's notes.
Commander Erwin
Subject: Resuming attempts by the Survey Corps to capture Titans alive
We cannot hope to fight an enemy we do not understand, and a glance at the enclosed notebook makes one thing clear: we are still completely ignorant about Titans. I have transcribed, as best I could, sections detailing Officer Langner's encounter with a particular Abnormal, the same one I believe I encountered on the 49th expedition…
Hange's chicken scratch was almost as illegible as the water-damaged pages, but Erwin spent the better part of two hours, going back and forth between report and journal, making notes of his own as he attempted to wrap his mind around the story presented to him. He had to maintain a healthy dose of skepticism; by her own admission, Ilse had been dehydrated, starving, sleep deprived and mentally exhausted, so there was a possibility that the final pages of her notebook were just the delusional ravings of a dying woman, but… in such a mad world, all manner of mad things were possible.
Titans taller than the Walls, Titans able to shrug off canon fire… was it really so strange to believe that those creatures that ambled around as a twisted mockery of the human form could also engage in a twisted mockery of human speech? He looked at the words Ilse supposedly transcribed from the Titan. Blood had soaked through the latter section of the book, making the pages stick together.
"Ymir's people".
"Lady Ymir".
"Welcome".
Four words. He knew from Nile that children had a decent grasp on language by the time they were two- hell, certain species of bird could be trained to repeat up to a dozen words. For any other creature, it wouldn't have been all that remarkable, but for a Titan… If they truly were capable of intelligent, higher thought, then… Erwin shivered, despite the warmth of the sun behind him. This was a fear he hadn't felt in years, not since his first venture outside of Wall Maria. Closing the notebook, he took a moment to close his eyes and calm his racing heart, before pulling out a clean sheet of paper and addressing a letter to Premier Zachary.
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Calaneth wasn't as crowded in the spring as the southern districts were. With farmland on one side and forests all around, there was little need for merchants from other sections of the Walls to come and hock their wares. Still, the warmth after a long winter coaxed people from their homes just as surely as it coaxed sprouts from the ground. The sun was not hot enough to cause foul-smelling vapors to rise from the river, but warm enough that walking beside the running water was pleasantly cool. Erwin and Thomasin had been walking closer to the main road, but a certain creature made him rethink his route…
He was on his guard immediately as the massive gray tabby sauntered from the alley it had been sleeping in over to them. One ear half gone, its tail little more than a nubbin- this was a beast that fought many a battle… and survived. He was no stranger to alley cats; they were tolerated in the districts because they kept the vermin population under control and prevented plagues, but they were, to a one, nasty, vicious creatures who would happily take on foes ten times their size.
They were much like Scouts in that way, but unlike the Titans the Survey Corps hunted, humans could feel pain. This… animal… showed no fear, coming closer, closer… He moved, ready to put his body between the threat and Thomasin… only for her to bend at the waist and offer out her hand, making soft kissing noises. Erwin stared in open shock as the cat rubbed its ragged head against her hand before throwing itself down at her foot, rolling about in the dust as it showed its belly.
"…is this your cat?" She shook her head, running her hand through the thick furred underside without a trace of fear.
"This is Doggy." Thick brows drawing together in bemusement, he looked from Thomasin, to the animal, to Thomasin, and finally back to the animal.
"…no, that's a kitty cat." Straightening, she rolled her eyes an impressive degree.
"Thank you, Commander Obvious. The cat's name is 'Doggy'. Technically, he's a stray, but… really, we all know he belongs to the Bossard boys. They turned this mangy thing into a big ol' softy…" Erwin frowned. Bossard… why did that name sound so…? He recognized it suddenly.
"There's a Bossard in the Survey Corps. Oluo." He'd graduated from the 101st, but quickly proved himself to be a Titan killing machine. When the third member of Levi's original squad perished during the 39th expedition, he immediately put in a request to commandeer Oluo. Thomasin nodded, smiling faintly.
"Yup, that's the one. His parents brag about him serving under 'Humanity's Strongest Soldier' to anyone who will listen… and most people who won't. A lot of people from Calaneth have become soldiers, apparently. The mill used to employ most people here, but, well… I guess a lot of people were laid off when the King declared a limit to how much lumber can be cut. Gotta conserve resources, right?"
"…right."
"I think there's at least a dozen Scouts from here. Petra Ral, that's one of them. Her dad runs the bakery I buy bread from. …I might have mentioned some… stuff… about Levi, and, uh… if a short, older man comes to the Corps headquarters with a shotgun one day, just know that I had nothing to do with that."
Erwin had dealt with people trying to storm their headquarters, stealing their supplies, killing their horses… He could deal with that just fine because he'd known their anger had nothing to do with him specifically. How many people was he passing by even now whose children he would one day be sending to their deaths?
"Erwin?" Her voice sounded so far away that his heart jolted at her touch. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine. It's just a bit warm, walking so far in full sunlight." Thomasin reached up, pressing the back of her hand against his cheek and frowning.
"Yeah, I guess it is… It's cooler closer to the river…"
Not only cooler, but less populated, though not entirely deserted. A good handful of people also followed this path. A faint ringing reached his ears, and Erwin instinctively turned towards the outer gate. The massive Bell of Freedom was still, and regardless, the tone he was hearing was too high to come from that bronze behemoth. Thomasin surreptitiously directed his attention to a person standing beside the ferry port, a man in long black robes ringing a shining copper hand bell, a wooden bucket at his feet. Erwin wouldn't have given him a second glance had he not noticed the thick golden chains draped around his neck, the iron cameos hanging from them rattling with each swing of his arm.
He took Thomasin's hand, trying to lead her away before the man spotted him. This sect was gaining popularity in the south, and while it was possible this particular pastor was the sympathetic sort, akin to Pastor Daniel, he'd encountered too many people wearing those chains publicly decrying him a heretic and calling for him to burn in the flames of perdition for his hubris to want to take any chances, even all the way out here. Thomasin ignored his silent coaxing, pulling away from him and limping over to the pastor. Erwin frowned as she took a few coins from her purse and dropped them into the bucket. The man stopped ringing his bell long enough to smile up at her.
"Bless you, my child. May the Walls protect you…" She didn't respond, but when she returned to Erwin's side, she closed his hanging jaw with a finger.
"You can fix your face at any time, Smith."
"I didn't realize you'd become so pious in my absence." She barked out a harsh laugh.
"Don't make me puke. Those Wall cultists all have some kind of sickness in the mind."
"Then why-?"
"I don't agree with their teachings, but I do agree with their deeds. I can't speak to everywhere, but at least here in Calaneth, the Order of the Walls helps the poor and downtrodden." She bowed her head, her mouth hard as she stared down at the packed dust at their feet. "When I first moved here, I didn't have anything but the clothes on my back, and at least one of those things wasn't even mine. Mrs. Dempsey, my neighbor, brought me to the church, and they gave me blankets and clothes and firewood- even food. They hand out bread on Wednesdays and Saturdays." She stopped, her shoulders slumping. "I think what they preach is pure insanity, but they're one of the only institutions actually helping people. God knows the Crown isn't doing anything but raising taxes. …guess I can't complain about that, seeing as how those taxes are paying my salary, too."
Erwin lowered his gaze as well. It wasn't as though he didn't know about taxes steadily climbing- it was the reason he had to spend more time every month budgeting for the Corps' necessities. But those increased taxes were also the reason humanity was able to recover from the destruction of Wall Maria as quickly as it did. In only four years, the atmosphere within Calaneth was peaceful once more, the distant glint of canons atop the Wall undoubtedly aiding in that sense of security. There weren't as many as in Trost, where every partition of the Wall had no less than three, but given that Trost was not only the Survey Corps' base of operations but the area with the highest density of Titans, it made sense that most of the military's funding would be funneled into it. Most of the military's everything, in truth…
"Thomasin?"
"Hmm?"
"Would you like to come to a military ceremony with me?" She stopped short, jerking him back slightly. Their hands weren't clasped together, but enough fingers were intertwined that they did not separate so easily. She frowned, confused.
"What, like a gala…?"
"No, this is military function. The Assembly is honoring Dot Pixis." The confusion left her face, but her frown grew more severe.
"That lecherous old drunk? For what? He didn't do anything."
"He leads the southern Garrison."
"And? The engineers are the ones creating the canons, the rank and file are the ones risking life and limb to install them, the doctors and nurses are the ones saving those lives and limbs, and the Survey Corps is the branch that's actually working to reclaim Wall Maria. Literally what does Pixis do other than stand in the background and give orders to the people actually doing the work?" Erwin gave a hapless shrug.
"That's what a commander does. They devise the plan and ensure that it's carried out properly-"
"-and fight on the front lines." Thomasin gestured to him, before shaking her head. "I mean, hell; for all his many, many faults, even Shadis was right there in the thick of things with all of us, not just waiting on top of the Walls for the grunts to bring him back a shred of glory." Erwin sighed, giving her fingers a gentle tug to ease her forward.
"You're right," he admitted quietly. "There are hundreds of people who have done more in the fight against the Titans than Pixis ever will. …can you name any of them?"
"Huh?"
"The engineers and the Garrison soldiers and the doctors and nurses and Scouts- can you name any of them?"
"Uhhh… I know some of the Scouts…?"
"But none of the Garrison? Thomasin, you work for the Garrison."
"In Calaneth!" she argued. "I know plenty of people here."
"But not everyone, I'm assuming."
"Obviously not; my tiny, magpie brain can only store about twenty names at a time."
"Exactly."
"What? What are you on about, Erwin?"
"There are so many people responsible for how far we've come. Too many people. Too many people to remember, let alone care about. So the Assembly made the decision to put the contributions of all those people under a single name, so that humanity can have something to remember, something to rally behind." Thomasin made a soft, annoyed noise, swinging her hand, and thus his as well.
"…no, that's still bullshit. I mean, I understand what you're saying, Smith, but if a single person's going to get all the glory, it should be someone who's actually lent a hand in achieving said glory. They should be honoring you." Erwin laughed despite himself. Humanity honoring him; that would be the day. "What's so funny?"
"Nothing… I don't think stomach being made the center of attention."
"It could be fun. All those adoring eyes gazing up at you…" He glanced at her and she gave him a demonstration, sighing wistfully and batting her lashes up at him. Reaching up with two fingers, he closed her eyes.
"No, thank you; I could do without a room full of middle-aged men staring longingly at me."
"Implying they don't do that already-"
"What's more," he raised his voice to cut her off, "you know I don't do this for any sort of glory. All I care about is freeing humanity from its cage. The day the Survey Corps is no longer needed is the day I can breathe a sigh of relief…" Thomasin stared up at him, the brown of her eyes almost amber in the bright sun.
"Wow… how long have you been waiting to practice that recruitment line?"
"At least a week. So what do you say; will you come with me?"
"Ehhh…" She looked away from him, running a hand over her hair. It had grown out and she was wearing it loose today, pulled back into a big fluffy cloud around her shoulders. "I don't know… I mean, this is gonna be in the Interior, right? I don't have anything anything fancy enough to wear in there…"
"You can wear your uniform," Erwin told her stiffly. "It's a military event; everyone will be in uniform."
"Ugh, I guess that's technically true…" He frowned and pulled his hand away from hers.
"Just admit you don't want to come." Her fingers twitched as she rounded on him.
"That's not it!"
"Then what is it?" Why was she being so difficult? She complained about not seeing him, but now that he was trying to make an effort to spend more time with her, she was grasping at excuses to avoid him. Women were as indecipherable as Titans, and far more frustrating.
"It's- gah!" She reached up, pulling at her hair as though whatever her reason was causing her physical pain. There was a battle going on behind her eyes, but before Erwin could do more than begin to worry, something hardened in those dark pools. She straightened, lightly slapping her cheeks and leaving him even more confused. "You know what? No. I'm going with you, consequences be damned!"
"…what consequences?"
"Exactly! We're gonna go to this gala, and it's gonna be fucking wonderful!"
"What consequences? Thomasin, what are you talking about?" She patted his arm reassuringly.
"Don't you worry about that, Smith; you just worry about making yourself look pretty so I'm not embarrassed to be seen with you. Maybe comb those eyebrows; they're starting to reclaim the rest of your face…"
~o0o~
Even though he was staring at his watch, the only sign that Erwin was actually waiting on something was the barely noticeable motion of his boot tapping against the marble steps of the chancellery. Golden light, such a pale yellow it looked white, poured from the windows, illuminating the shining facade like sunbeams from behind a cloud. There was nothing so bright this late outside Wall Sina, the paraffin and tallow candles glowing within the people's windows barely a match compared to the intensity of lamps powered by iceburst gas. Such a rare commodity, all but flaunted up here.
Erwin would be disgusted by the waste, but it did allow him to actually see the face of his watch, to see the second hand ticking as it completed yet another rotation. He should have gone inside; it would be poor optics for a commander to miss the presentation, it might make him look petty, if not bitter… He should have been worrying about all those things, but-
"Erwin!" He looked up and breathed an audible sigh of relief, finally closing his watch and replacing it in his pocket.
"I was starting to think you stood me up…"
"No, Smith; I don't do that." True, but there was always a first for everything… He jogged down the steps to meet her, offering his arm to help her ascend them. She grinned at him, but there was something hard in her eyes. "Oh, a gentleman, are we? You could've been a gentleman and waited for me at the eastern gate, you jackass; I had to take two carriages to get here because the first one wouldn't take me all the way."
"I hope he didn't charge you full fare for a partial trip."
"He tried to. Joke's on him; I short-changed him." As they stepped into the light just shy of the door, Erwin allowed himself a moment to take in the sight of her before they entered the fray. His eyes widened in shock, his jaw falling slack.
"Y-your… your hair… what happened to it…?" Smiling, she reached up, running her fingers through the long, sleek tail tied low against her neck.
"I straightened it."
"You can do that?"
"Yeah, and it takes hours, so don't get used to it." He didn't want to get used it. It looked… wrong. There was so much less of it now, those beautiful curls that caught in the light all gone and replaced with… this. But that wasn't all that was wrong. Shifting her into the light, he caught her chin between his thumb and forefinger to better look at her face. "Erwin…?" Wordlessly, he ran his thumb along the curve of her bottom lip, frowning at the pale dust left coating his finger.
"…is this powder?" Her eyes widening, she pulled away from him, pulling a small compact from the chatelaine at her waist.
"Oh, you jackass! Don't rub it off!" She quickly began reapplying it, her movements frantic, almost panicked, as Erwin could only stare, completely lost.
"Why are you wearing powder?"
"Women wear powder!" she snapped, closing the small case.
"Not you."
"I do tonight." She rounded on him, her eyes flashing. "Don't draw attention to it. Don't draw attention to me. And don't expect me to speak to anyone; I am not here to rub elbows with the military elite." He would have been upset by her standoffish nature, but everything from her strange appearance to her shaky breaths spoke of something deeper than mere irritation. She clearly wanted him to act normally, so he resolved to do just that. Reaching up, Erwin brushed a loose piece of hair behind her ear. Close to her scalp, it still rippled under his hand, but further down, it was sleek and fine, like corn silk.
"You look nice," he told her quietly. "Different, but… nice. Don't worry; I'm not here to 'rub elbows', either." Bending down, he whispered in her ear, "Let's go stuff our faces with rich people food." As he pulled back, he was delighted to see a wide smile brighten her face.
"That's the best idea you've ever had."
The interior of the chancellery had been scrubbed and polished, every corner illuminated. While the vast majority of guests were in uniform, a few and here and there wore civilian garb, mostly women in long satin and borcade dresses, undoubtedly the wives of the officers present. Glancing down at his side, Erwin smirked. Even in plain blue cotton, Thomasin outshone all of them. He tried to ignore the pallor cast on her face by the powder, focusing instead on the awe in her eyes as she looked around. He'd been just as awestruck once, years ago. It felt strange, being the jaded veteran who didn't bat an eye at the display of excess.
"Is this your first time so far into Wall Sina?"
"Uh huh… I only had to go to Yarkle for my replacement citizenship… Holy shit, do you come here often?"
"Often enough. Trust me, it usually doesn't look this nice." And there usually wasn't food laid out, either. Most of the officers were crowded around the table with sparkling wine glasses piled high into a tower, leaving the massive spread of cakes and smoked meats and cheeses unattended. Thomasin gazed upon the fragrant bouquet of luxury goods as though it were a holy relic.
"Is that… meat…?" Glancing up at Erwin for confirmation, she quickly covered her mouth and nose to stifle the laughter welling up inside her. "Erwin, stop! You're in public!" He knew he was in public, which was why he'd made sure no one was looking in his direction before grabbing a slice of lark pie and cramming the entire thing into his mouth. His eyes watered at the first taste of meat he'd had in almost a year, the spices seasoning it overwhelming.
"Does your dress have pockets?" he asked as soon as he was done chewing, by which time Thomasin had stuffed so many little tarts into her mouth that her cheeks puffed out like a squirrel's. She opted to nod silently. "Good. We can bring some things back." The two of them were so busy laughing, completely lost in their own little world, that Erwin almost forgot where he was.
"Ah, Commander Smith, I was wondering where you were hiding." He stiffened, turning around very calmly and covertly setting down the tower of finger sandwiches he'd been constructing. An older man of about fifty wearing an emerald bolo similar to his own stood before him. He bore the insignia of the Military Police, however.
"Commander Jones. My apologies if it seemed I was avoiding anyone's presence."
"Don't worry about it; I know you don't come up much, and the quality of living in Trost is almost as bad as it was in Shiganshina. Don't mind me, I've just come to sniff out your companion." Erwin instinctively moved half a step to better conceal Thomasin behind him, his expression never shifting.
"Oh?"
"Come now, Erwin; you can't hide him forever. Between Pixis and Nile, your lieutenant has made quite the name for himself." Oh. Oh no, he couldn't tell if this was better or worse. The low, muffled voice from behind him was so unexpected, he nearly jumped along with Commander Jones.
"Fuck off, old man; I'm tryin' to eat." The older soldier's eyes widened as he gaped, quickly attempting to compose himself.
"Heh… I see those rumors are well founded. Perhaps you'll feel a bit more civilized on a full stomach, Lieutenant…"
"Piss. Off."
"Don't worry, Commander; I'll reprimand him for this… atrocious behavior."
"See that you do; the Survey Corps does not need to squander what little good will they've gained," Jones sniffed haughtily, turning on his heel and stalking off, undoubtedly to spread news of this attack on his honor to anyone who would listen. Erwin watched him go, turning about and bending to whisper in Thomasin's ear.
"Your Levi impression is terrible."
"That's not my fault; he has a very distinct voice." He sighed.
"Maybe you should stand behind the table; they'll be more likely to believe you're him if they don't see you're wearing a… dress…" he trailed off, his blood running cold as he spotted a familiar head of dark, short-cropped hair and sharp cheekbones.
"I'm this close to just hiding under the table until we leave… Erwin? What is it?" He barely heard her, blindly reaching back to squeeze her arm.
"You stay here; I'll be back in a few seconds…" Avoiding confrontation would have been his ideal strategy, but in a space so small, there were only so many places one could run, and it would only be a matter of time until he was cornered. Nile's face lit up in recognition as he approached… or maybe that was just the glow of the alcohol.
"Ah, there you are, Smith! What took so long; did you pop into the Underground to scrounge up more recruits?"
"Nile, I'm going to need you to pull your head from wherever its lodged and listen very carefully to me-"
"So where is the rat? I'm sure you brought him, or did he chew through his leash and go looking for houses to ransack?"
"Nile-" The dark-haired man paid him no mind, a wry smirk twisting his lips as he looked past Erwin's shoulder.
"Oh, there he is. Stealing food. I guess I'm not surprised, given that he's been… eating out of… garbage cans…" Slowly, the smirk slid from his face as he focused more on the person at the table. "Wait a second… that's not Levi; he would barely be able to reach that table!"
"Really, Nile?"
"That's-!" The realization flashed in his eyes, but Erwin grabbed the leather cords of his bolo tie, cutting off his words at the source before he could even think them too loudly.
"Shut up and listen to me. You don't say anything, do you understand? Not about marriage, not about children; not about shit."
"I- I thought you got the ring…?" Nile choked out.
"I did, but…" He slowly released his hold on the other man. "It didn't go the way I planned…" Coughing, Nile rubbed his throat where the cord dug into his flesh.
"Why; did you choke her too? Ah, you bitch, I'm gonna have a bruise… Fine, you cocked it up- that's all you had to say."
"I didn't-"
"Sure you did. Look, I don't know what you did, but I know what an apology gesture looks like, so I'm not going to…" He trailed off, frowning.
"What?" Nile shook his head, pushing past Erwin to head to the table.
"Now, what the hell are these idiots up to…?"
Turning back around, a cold fury settled in Erwin's blood as he spotted a pair of MPs cornering Thomasin in at the table. One towered over her, but the other was short enough that he could see the grimace of a smile plastered to her face as she tried- and failed- to bow out of the conversation she'd been forced into. The taller of the soldiers grabbed her jacket, under the guise of checking the name sewn onto her pocket, his hand lingering a bit too long for comfort. She grabbed his wrist, her smile more of a snarl as her nails dug in his flesh, but he did not release her. Neither of them was willing to given any ground, until Nile grabbed the MP's shoulder, spinning him around.
"Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?" The sneer on the younger man's face quickly morphed into something resembling respect as they both saluted.
"Commander Dok! This woman wouldn't give us her superior's name, so we were just making sure she wasn't some vagrant who snuck in with a stolen uniform."
"Officer Heatherow… last I checked, you weren't on security detail. You are not here to harass the guests."
"But-!"
"I suggest you go find something constructive to occupy your time with, before I go get your superior." Frustrated, but not enough to risk talking back to a commander, the man bowed his head.
"Yes sir…" Both commanders watched them go with cold gazes, until a low whistle drew both their attentions back to the woman behind them.
"An MP standing up for the small folk?" Thomasin huffed, a crooked grin on her lips. "Never thought I'd see the day." His anger left him in a flash, and Erwin straightened her rumpled lapel as he lowered his voice.
"Are you alright? They didn't… rough you up, did they?" She waved him off with an airy laugh.
"Don't worry about me, Smith; I've been dealing with pushy MPs since I could walk. I didn't mean to take you away from your date~"
"Ha." He straightened. "Thomasin, I don't think you've ever formally met Nile."
"No, but I'd recognize him in a heartbeat. You look exactly like you did in the Training Corps, Dok."
"You don't. I'll be damned, Lindemann; you grew up pretty." Even through the fine dusting of powder, her cheeks flushed a bit as she smiled shyly.
"Um… thank you."
"I hardly recognized you. What a difference a comb can make… I guess working indoors all these years must have fixed your skin. You look good." She recoiled as though she'd been slapped, and Erwin's hands balled into fists at his side, fully intending to beat away whatever cruel smirk he saw on the other man's face. Only… there wasn't one. He was smiling, alright, but his thin face was completely genuine, and for as long as he'd known Nile, he'd never been a good enough actor to adopt a convincing artifice. Thomasin's expression quickly shifted into something cold and hard.
"I suppose. A shame working in Wall Sina couldn't fix your…" She gestured vaguely at him. "Anything." The smile slid from his face.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Oh, nothing. I just thought good food and better living conditions played a part in the upper crust being more attractive. But no-" she pointedly looked between the men "-it really is the difference between steak and pig trotters."
"You bitch-" Nile spat, though she quickly cut him off, her voice dripping with loathing.
"Don't look so down, Dok; I'm sure you have a wonderful personality that makes you a perfect consolation prize." She turned away from them, whipping her hair behind her. "Excuse me, gentlemen; I have to go powder my nose." Even with her uneven, limping gait, she moved confidently, her head held high.
"What the fuck is her problem?" Nile seethed, and Erwin rounded on him, his voice low but venomous.
"What the fuck is yours? How could you say that to her!?"
"Say what!? I was being nice! I was complimenting her! Women like being told that their skin looks nice- at least, women that aren't freaks!" Oh no… This… this was his fault. Erwin reached up, rubbing his brows in an attempt to stave off the headache that was quickly encroaching.
"I never told you about her…"
"Told me what?" Hazel eyes widened. "What, does she have some kind of skin disease? I didn't know!"
"No, you idiot! Her skin is normal. She isn't tanned; that's how she was born." He lowered his voice until it was barely a whisper. "Thomasin is a different race. She's a Moor. You know, like the Orientals? But… different. Darker." The gears turned in Nile's head, the truth dawning on him slowly but surely.
"Wait… don't tell me… is that why you like her? Because she's some relic of humanity from outside the Walls? That's sick, Erwin!" He flinched, the accusation sharp as a switch cracked across his heart.
"That's not the reason! …not anymore. When we were cadets- yes, that is why I started talking to her, but I couldn't care less about that now. These days, I barely even notice that she's not like everyone else… She's just… Thomasin to me now… and I suppose I forgot that other people won't see her the way I do." It was all starting to click into place- the powder, her hair… How could he be so stupid? Nile was paying little mind to his epiphany, his mind clearly elsewhere. Whatever he was thinking, it wasn't good.
"Oh… oh shit…" He grabbed Erwin's shoulders, his face grim. "You shouldn't have brought her here, Erwin."
"Why not? Because she looks different?"
"Because she is different!" Quickly glancing around to make sure no one was in earshot, Nile pulled him down so he could speak directly into his ear. "Listen. About sixty years ago, the First Interior Squad went around purging… 'undesirables' from the Interior. I don't remember the details; I wasn't supposed to be looking at those records- I don't even think we're supposed to have those records! The First Interior Squad isn't known for leaving paper trails.I saw alot offamily names and some descriptions. I know 'oriental' was on there- it said, like… 'Hiz' something- and I can't be sure, but I think I remember seeing something like 'blackamoor'- I don't know if that's the same thing you're talking about- Look, they were getting rid of people, okay, and I'm pretty sure a lot of those people were 'different'."
Erwin felt his blood freeze within his veins. He wanted to believe this was all just some great, unfunny joke at his expense, but this wasn't the way Nile joked. If the royal government could kill someone for thinking the wrong thing, for having the wrong theories… what was to stop them from killing someone for having the wrong blood? He shook his head weakly.
"No… No, even if that happened in the past, that can't be something that's still going on. People would notice!" Nile shrugged haplessly.
"Probably not- those records were really old, to the point of falling apart- but… maybe that's not a risk worth taking?" He sighed, raking a hand through his short hair as he glanced around the room. "That was well before our time, but there are probably plenty of people that remember it. Maybe even some of these people. They might not take kindly to having an 'undesirable' in their midst…" He looked back at Erwin. "Look, I know you're a delusional lunatic who laughs in the face of danger, so you probably aren't going to leave. I can keep the outer MPs from sniffing around, but I can't do shit about any Interior MPs, so it's on you to keep an eye on your girl." Erwin nodded slowly.
"I'm going to go look for her. Leaving suddenly might just stir up suspicions… hopefully, we'll be back in time for the presentation." Nile gave a dry laugh.
"No rush; with the way Pixis is drinking, they're going to have to string him up with wire and puppet him onto that stage…" He reached out, stopping the blonde man from leaving immediately. "…apologize to her for me? You know I wouldn't have said that shit if I'd known…"
"I know. I'll explain everything…"
Erwin probably would have spent the better part of an hour scouring the massive building had he not, on this second sweep, caught sight of a shadow outside, stark against the blinding white of the marble. Heavy as they were, the doors opened without so much as a squeak, the hinges well oiled. As the door closed behind him, casting the area into shadow once more, the red roses he'd been met with turned black. Without a word, Erwin lowered himself onto the step beside her, the cold stone quickly chilling him. For as late in spring as it was, the altitude of the interior made it feel much colder. A long moment passed before he finally found his voice.
"I'm sorry. That was my fault. I never told Nile… what you are." Thomasin sniffled. When she looked up, he could see where the powder under her eyes was caked and damp.
"I thought you would have," she said in a small voice. "You seemed so fascinated by me back then, by what I was, that I thought it would be something you'd never shut up about, just like your father's theories." He looked away, unable to bear her gaze when she looked so miserable, so forlorn.
"In truth, I never talked about you at all back then," he admitted quietly. "Anyone who didn't see us together probably didn't even realize we were friends."
"…oh." Such a small sound, but the weight of it felt as though it were breaking every one of his ribs.
"That was years ago-"
"I know. It's fine. I'm not upset." Neither her voice nor her face gave anything away as she stared at the storefronts across the street from them. Even when she sighed, there was no relief or exasperation or anything. "I'm not surprised Nile doesn't know, then; he's from some backwoods podunk in Wall Maria, right?"
"He probably wouldn't describe it as such, but yes." She nodded.
"Yeah. Most people in Wall Maria, and even Wall Rose, don't know what 'races' are. You're an abnormality, Smith, but then again, I'm sure you always were. As long as I keep my head down and give a halfway believable excuse when someone asks a question, people don't pay me much mind. But up here, they know. They know what I am, and they don't like it." Was… was that what she had been worried about, the "consequences"? No, why wouldn't she tell him, why would she risk such a thing-? His frenzied thoughts ground to a halt as she half turned to face him, her eyes brimming with tears that she refused to let fall.
"I didn't want people noticing me and causing a scene. I know you said you're not here to rub elbows, but that's your job; you have to play nice with these people, and I don't want to make that harder for you…" She blinked and two dark streaks appeared along her cheeks. "All this and I'm the one who made a scene… I'm sorry… I should've just kept my mouth shut…"
She closed her eyes, more tears following the path laid by the first. Cupping her face in his palms, Erwin swiped away the moisture with his thumbs, leaving two dark streaks following the curve of her cheeks.
"You didn't make a scene; even Nile admits he was in the wrong. I'm honored that you care so much about my position that you're willing to do this to yourself just for my sake…" She shook her head, as much as she could while he was still holding her.
"No… I'm not that selfless. I did this for me, too. I didn't have to come out here; I could've stayed home where no one gives me a second glance… but I wanted to come here… I wanted to spend time with you." He sighed, drying her cheeks with the backs of his fingers, inadvertently wiping away more of the powder.
"It would have been nice, but… once one bad thing happens, it all starts piling up…"
"It was nice… at least, the parts without other people. Other people always ruin everything…" Her voice, her eyes, her entire demeanor grew dark as she looked away from him, staring at back at the storefront across the way but seeing something entirely different. "Erwin?"
"Yes?"
"You wanna know something awful?" She didn't wait for him to respond. "When I was in that refugee camp up north, I used to think 'it wouldn't be so terrible if Titans broke down all the Walls and killed everyone'. I know firsthand how they kill people… what it feels like to be squeezed by those giant hands and have those massive teeth tear through your flesh and bones… and I still thought like that. A lot." She rolled the hem of her sleeve between her fingers, her voice much calmer now. "I still can't bear the thought of a Titan touching you… but I would have been perfectly content with all the rest of humanity being wiped out…"
"That's…" Erwin looked away from her, uncomfortable. "…something to admit. Not the kind of attitude you want from someone who has people's lives in their hands… but I suppose I can understand it."
"Really?" He nodded slightly.
"We all felt as though the world was ending back then. For someone who lost everything and was met, not with compassion but further hardships, it must have felt as though the world had already ended." His jaw tightened as thoughts and feelings he'd long since buried deep within him found a tiny crevice to trickle up through. "You've already lost everything that ever mattered to you, so why shouldn't everything else be lost as well? The world can just end at that point… right?" Thomasin blinked slowly at him, her face still as a mask but her eyes darting from one cerulean pool to the other, searching.
"…you sound like you're speaking from experience…"
"I am." That was what festered inside him after his father was killed. His body shed no tears, allowing none of his sorrow and pain to escape him, causing it to fester into hate and resentment…
"I don't know how you could dedicate your heart to humanity after thinking like that." He blinked hard. The world flashed and he was one the steps of the chancellery. He reached up, running a finger over the cool, hard surface of the emerald at his neck.
"I wouldn't have, if I still thought that way. But I don't." Tilting his head back, Erwin turned his attention to the stars. So high up, the sky was far clearer, even more so than in Ehrmich. The buildings were so tall that they served as little rows of mini-Walls, but even they could not block out the sky completely. "My father loved talking about humanity, what the world was like so long ago. He had all these forbidden books that he'd hidden from the government- my aunt got rid of them, said he was wrong to put us in danger with his 'stupid obsession'… but I'd spent my entire childhood reading those books. I had them memorized, cover to cover. The world was so big, once. So vast and varied… so different. How could I ever want the world to end when there were so many amazing things I'd never seen?"
"You really love this world, don't you, Erwin?" He turned to look at her, to look into the dark chasms of her eyes seemed to absorb the light from the windows and given nothing back.
"The world is beautiful, Thomasin. I truly realized that the day I stood atop Wall Maria with you." A smile crept onto his face despite himself, the mere memory of that gilded vista filling him with the warmth he'd felt that day. "I wish everyone could see what we saw that day, feel what we felt." She cast her gaze down, shaking her head slightly.
"No… I don't think anyone can feel what you feel. I've known you for most of my life, and even I can't fully understand you most of the time. Your brain is just different from normal peoples'."
Erwin didn't believe that. Regardless of what he wanted to believe when he was young, there was nothing different or special about him. Everyone was capable of thinking the way he did- they simply didn't want to. They found comfort in the mundane, the monotonous. One day, he would show them- would show all of humanity- the truth of what lay beyond the walls, but he would never be able to make people embrace that truth. All he could do was ensure that their mundane, monotonous lives were safe as well. He thought of Thomasin's house in Calaneth, the splintery door and overflowing garden and fat chickens… It wasn't special or different, but it was something worth protecting.
"What?" she asked him quietly.
"I'm thinking…" Had she moved closer, or had he? It didn't really matter. The smell of food and alcohol was in the air even out here, but faint enough that he could smell something sweet wafting from her hair, not like frosting sugar and candies, but something more natural.
"About what?"
"…when all this is over, I might want to raise chickens…"
The corners of her eyes crinkled, her lips pressed together as a "snrk!" caught in her throat. That was all he noticed as he leaned forward, too close to even focus on her eyes even though they were right there in front of him. It couldn't even be called a kiss in the most generous of terms; a light caress if anything. Maybe not even that- had his lips even brushed against hers? He couldn't feel anything but her warm breath. He pulled back and she stared at him, no shock or confusion or indignation. Instead, she snorted, throwing her head back, her laughter ringing through the empty streets, a sound of pure, unencumbered joy.
Erwin let go of the breath he'd unwittingly been holding the tension leaving his shoulders. That… wasn't the reaction he'd been expecting, but he decided he liked it. He liked knowing the tiny drops of moisture sparkling on her lashes were caused by mirth rather than some injustice too deep for him to understand. The laughter eventually died down, and she sighed. They sat in a contented silence for a while, before she spoke.
"We should probably go back inside. Imagine the scandal if those assholes think you're blowing off the great Dot Pixis for a quickie."
"I'm more worried they'll think I'm engaging said… quickie… with Levi."
"What's so bad about that?" He gave her a hard, pointed look.
"First Mike, now Levi; how much of a slut do you think I am?" Closing his eyes, he sighed as well. "If you aren't comfortable going back in, I can take you home."
"But-!"
"If anyone asks why, I'll just say I was called back to base by the Titan research." He wouldn't be surprised if that happened anyway- the way they were going, it was only a matter of time until Hange lost a few fingers in a Titan's mouth, if they were lucky. Thomasin shook her head.
"No, I'd rather not put you on like that. I'm fine." She tugged at her sleeve. "But… can we stay out here a little longer?"
Erwin wasn't sure if he put his arm around her first, or if she laid her head on his shoulder first. He only realized they'd moved after the fact.
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A/N- Holy crap, plot andfluff? So, again, some world building aspects have been tweaked a bit.I wonder if this will come up in the future? Hmmmmm...