Reasons

by SilverShadow1711

The world could be a cruel, wicked place, filled with nightmares and terrors unending. Erwin Smith made the choice to throw himself into those nightmares, but even the most steadfast man is not an island. At the very least, there was someone he could fall back on, even if it took him some time to realize it. (Erwin backstory-centric, the slowest of slow burns. Cross-posted on AO3)

33. Solacement

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Ch.33- "Solacement"

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A/N- Warning- Characterization-driven Smut Ahead!

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Thomasin steered him towards the table, the hand not holding her crutch pressed against his back, then pulling out a chair, then pushing down on his shoulder to make him sit. His body moved, limp, pliant; she could have taken him by the hand and led him back out to the river and pushed him in, and he wouldn't have found it in himself to resist. She didn't, of course. No, she bent down to better look at him, and with the lamp illuminating her, Erwin could see the dark circles under her eyes and where her fluffy curls had been compressed flat against her pillow. Exhaustion was writ on her face, but her voice was fully awake. What's wrong? I heard your expedition didn't go well… What happened? Are you okay…?

When the seconds dragged on and he didn't answer, her lips pursed and her brows drew together, but she only straightened and limped towards her stove, filling a kettle with water and pulling out kindling. The dress she wore was some silvery blue or gray, or maybe it was white and just looked that way in the dark, the dressing robe she'd thrown on over it half a shade darker. He blinked and she seemed to flash. Erwin watched her move, leaning heavily on her crutch as she overextended her arms so as to take as few steps as possible. Beneath the hem of the nightgown was a single bare foot. If he focused on the empty space beside it, it looked like she was floating, a ghostly spectre, a hallucination his wretched mind conjured up to distract him from all those other ghosts whose accusing eyes were always focused on him.

Soon, there would be a thick haze of smoke blanketing Trost, a dozen pyres stacked high with bodies filling the streets of the ruined district with yet another reminder that death was ever lurking. Erwin stood, sleepwalking even though he was completely awake, the blades in his holsters rattling quietly with every step until he stopped. Thomasin froze, a match in one hand, the box in the other. There was barely an inch of space between them; if he inhaled deeply enough, his chest would brush against her shoulder blades. He should have left, should have apologized for interrupting her sleep and returned to base and to all of his problems. He, and he alone, chose this life; he had no business trying to put off his responsibilities.

He opened his mouth, the words clear in his mind, I'm sorry for bothering you. I'll leave… But they twisted on his tongue, like so many words before them.

"May I hold you?" In his mind's eye, he saw her recoil, lean further into the wooden counter to put as much space between their bodies as possible. He was used to starting out with the worst possible outcome and working out a plan from there. Usually, the worst thing he imagined paled in comparison to what actually happened in the field, but it served as a good baseline to avoid nasty surprises. There were never pleasant surprises, which was why he heard her sigh, saw her set the match and its box down, and assumed she was gearing up to tell him to leave.

"Of course. Do you even have to ask?" His arms went around her stomach before she could change her mind, and he had to stop himself from squeezing tighter. He bowed his head, resting his forehead atop her crown, her curls tickling his nose and lips. She smelled like cool, fresh linens; a far cry from the bloody sheets they wrapped their dead in. Thomasin moved her hand, resting it over his, her callouses almost soft against his scarred knuckles. "…Erwin, are you alright?"

'No…'

"Yes." She shook her head, twisting around in his embrace. He didn't move, only closed his eyes. The hand that had laid over his reached up to cup his cheek.

"What can I do to help you?" Sudden and reflexive as a knee-jerk, he considered asking her to kill him. There were blades right there, a dozen of them, freshly forged and sharp enough to cut through bones like they were butter. A slit of the throat, a jab to the gut, and all the problems piling up would go away… What an unfunny joke. He moved his hand from her back to her side, trailing it over the curve of her waist before letting his palm rest on her hip, his fingers digging into the meat there.

"Let me have you," he whispered, still not opening his eyes. The only way he could leave at this point was if she physically rebuked him and cast him out. The sooner she looked upon him with the same calumny and disgust as the rest of humanity, the sooner he could stop using her as a distraction.

"…is that what you want?" Her voice was quiet, little more than a breath against his throat, the bare patch of skin right above where the emerald cabochon rested. His grip tightened. He just had to move his hand a little to cup her ass- he could already feel the give of the supple flesh under his fingers as he pulled her closer, flush against him… Just as little effort to reach down and slip his hand under her skirt and feel between her legs… The Special Operations Squad, the rear contingency, the entire right flank… they were hemorrhaging skilled soldiers…

"Yes." Her hand was still on his cheek, and she tapped him gently, spurring him to open his eyes. The hate, the anger, the disgust he expected to see in her own dark gaze was notably absent… or perhaps just hidden so well that he couldn't find it.

"Let's go to bed, then. I can't really… do that standing up. I mean, I can, but I don't want to." Maybe this was a test; maybe she wanted to see if he would so easily throw away what they had- "this"- for a single night of "that".

Erwin stepped to her side, one hand going behind her thighs while the other stayed on her back as he lifted her off the ground in one sweeping motion. His steps were quick and stumbling, metal rattling against metal as he carried Thomasin back to bed. Most of the back room was taken up by the bed in the middle, the dim light from the lantern just enough for him to avoid colliding with the trunk at its foot. He dropped her atop the thrown back blankets, the voice in the back of his mind that belonged to some long-atrophied part of himself that was a good person chiding him for not being more gentle. He had no gentleness in him, not tonight. It had been eroded away, along with his patience and sense, and everything that wasn't an animal instinct to feel another body pressed against his.

He stripped carelessly, clothes and boots and belts all falling into a pile, his ODM gear clattering to the floor alongside everything else. Pulling the emerald bolo from his neck, he violently flung it away, and it hit one of the walls with a satisfying crack. The room was dark, the curtains drawn against the inky sky, the only light coming from the kitchen table. His eyes had grown accustomed to the darkness, however, though he still saw Thomasin as a slightly more corporeal shadow, the folds of her dressing robe catching what minuscule light there was. Erwin climbed onto the bed, the mattress dipping under his weight.

This wasn't anything like what he'd imagined it would be all these years. In his dreams, he wasn't groping about in the dark, there wasn't an uncomfortably heavy silence in the air, or proverbial sword hanging above his neck, ready to fall and take away the greatest blessing humanity had been delivered in over a century… He pushed all that from his mind, one hand trailing up from her stomach until he felt the heavy, watery weight of a breast under his palm, the other moving down, pushing apart her thighs so he could kneel between them.

"Erwin, is this really what you want?"

"Yes!" He hated himself for snapping, but he already hated himself for so many other things, not the least of which being that he wasn't hard yet. He stroked himself roughly, but felt nothing. What was wrong with him? This was everything he had wanted for so long, the woman he loved warm and soft and spread wide for him, yet the only thing on his mind at that moment was that the link between humans and Titans they'd been looking for years was going to be put down like a dog because a few nobles and merchants in the Interior were afraid the poors might rise up against them. A surprisingly strong hand closed around his wrist, lifting it from where it lay over her breast, stiff and trembling.

"How long has it been since you've slept?" Sleep? How could he think of sleeping when the world was once more being plunged into chaos, only this time, he was poised to actually do something about it? Thomasin laced her fingers with his, shifting and sitting up. Her other hand brushed against his arm, his neck, finally reaching up to stroke his hair. "You must be so tired…" Her voice was quiet, a whisper, and yet it made him feel weak and small there in the dark in a way even the Female Titan's scream couldn't.

"…I tried so hard…" The words spilled over his lips before he could do anything to stop them, and now that the wall was breached, they would not stop flowing out. "I spent weeks trying to think of every possible thing that could go wrong. I prepared for everything, and it still wasn't enough…"

"You did your best-"

"My best isn't good enough!" No matter what they did, no matter how hard they worked, they never made any headway- he never made any headway, never achieved any victories, never discovered anything… And now… Now, when something tangible was finally within his grasp, it was being snatched away from him.

"Yes, it is."

Erwin couldn't tell when the tears started- if her words, so simple yet so sure, as if she were speaking some universal truth, sparked them, or if he'd been crying since he knelt between her legs. All he knew was, in that moment, all the pain and rage and grief that had been festering within him burst forth. His ears were ringing with that terrible scream again, only it was him; he was screaming, howling, wailing as scalding tears washed over his cheeks, hot as Titan blood. As Thomasin wrapped her arms around him, he wondered if he would just crumble under the pressure of her touch. He certainly felt empty enough, sculpted of something that looked strong but was completely hollow inside. Perhaps she felt it too, for her embrace was feather light, slowly, carefully drawing him down to lay beside her.

"I tried," he wept into her shoulder, whatever fabric her dressing gown was made of soft against his cheek but growing uncomfortably slick with tears. "I tried so hard and I accomplished nothing! Everything I do- everything I have ever done- has been for naught!"

"That's not your fault…"

"My hands are drenched in blood!"

"No…" She reached up, smearing the moisture on his cheek with her thumb only for a fresh wave of tears to flow over the damp skin there. "Why would you blame yourself for what the Titans do? Do you take responsibility for every death that happens within the Walls as well?" Erwin lifted his head, searching for her eyes though he knew he would not find them in the darkness.

"Every soldier that is killed dies on my orders. Every single death beyond those walls can be laid at my feet!"

"Those soldiers know what they're signing up for. If they didn't want to go on these expeditions, they wouldn't- do you really think you could track down three hundred deserters?" No… obviously not. Thomasin continued, running her fingers through his hair, the scratch of her nails on his scalp oddly soothing. "Every single Scout under your command is willing to lay their life on the line because they believe that you can do something great if you're given the chance. Not that Titan boy- they didn't join the Survey Corps because of him. All of them, even the Titan, joined because of you, Erwin, because they all know in their hearts that a great, wise man is leading them to victory. It will be bloody. It will be hard-won. But if anyone is capable of reclaiming humanity's territory through sheer idiocy, and staggeringly stupid levels of determination… it's you." Erwin couldn't help but let out a watery chuckle, though it still sounded more like a sob.

"How do you do it, Lindemann?"

"Do what?"

"Comfort me while blatantly insulting me to my face?" She hummed thoughtfully, her fingers never stilling in his hair.

"Well, by being honest. If I were to just blindly sing your praises, you wouldn't believe me. And I wouldn't believe me, either. You are an idiot, Erwin, always have been. So stupid. And stubborn to a fault. But you're also intelligent, and brave, and perceptive… and, despite what the know-nothing fools might think, you are gentle-hearted as well. You aren't some monster willfully sending lambs to the slaughter. Every death beyond those walls is unavoidable, and happens because there was no other way. Your soldiers know that… and so do I." Something warm brushed against his forehead, and it was only when he felt the warm puff of her breath that he realized it was her lips. "You've worked so hard, and you've been so strong. I'm very proud of you."

The tears which had slowed spilled forth anew and he whimpered, burying his face further into the soft skin above her bosom. He could feel her voice vibrate through her bones, shushes and quiet "I know, I know"s that slowly gave way to humming, a simple, but familiar melody she rocked him to. He didn't even realize his eyes had closed, for the darkness all looked the same.

~o0o~

Consciousness came back to Erwin slowly, first in a growing awareness of the pain building up in his temples, and then as the hiss and splash of rain grew louder and louder to his ears. His lashes were sticky with not quite dry tears, and he had to blink several times before his eyes opened fully, an unfamiliar ceiling greeting him. It was impossible to tell how long the other side of the bed had been empty; he'd stretched out in his sleep, long limbs taking up the whole mattress, leaving him no indication of how cold the sheets had grown. The curtains were tied back, but the sky outside the open window was dark, rain coming down in such thick sheets so as to obscure even the windows of the house next door. Hopefully this shower was localized over Calaneth; there would be pyres burning in Trost soon…

The reminder of death was like bile on his tongue, and Erwin forced himself to sit, doubled over and breathing deeply through his mouth in an effort to quell the nausea making itself known. He was grateful for the open window; the cool wind and petrichor scent wafting over him calmed him a bit… or maybe it was just being here, in this house, in this room, that calmed him. After all, he never welcomed the rain when he was at headquarters. No, rain always stretched his nerves thin when it wasn't filling him with an annoying sense of melancholy.

Reaching up to rub his temples, he pushed his self pity to the back of his mind, self loathing quickly taking its place. Thomasin had folded his clothes, neatly stacking his uniform on the chest at the foot of her bed, his ODM gear placed upright beside her small armoire. His bolo tie lay on the bedside table, beside a lantern and a cup of water.

The urge to grab the leather laces and slingshot it out the window as far as his strength could manage was so overwhelming, he balled his fists to keep from reaching out. It was mocking him, calling him out as a craven who didn't deserve the title of Commander, a coward who ran away from his problems, who didn't even have the decency to run away and wallow in his misery alone. …why? Why had he come here? He had no business being here, no business inflicting himself on poor Thomasin, sweet, sweet Thomasin who took his advances in stride and comforted him instead of chasing him out like the piece of shit he was…

Erwin dropped his hands to his lap. Well, that was it. He'd ruined everything in a single moment of weakness. She probably thought this was all he'd ever wanted from her, and that all this time, he had simply been softening her up until she was willing to spread her legs for him. She was right; he was an idiot. He had to leave. And yet, when he threw the covers back and stood to dress, he only pulled on his underwear and pants and shirt, not even bothering with his boots as he made his way to the front room. Something in the corner of his eye gave him pause, however. A closer inspection of his ODM gear revealed that all the hoses had been disconnected- properly. He'd fallen asleep with the damn things still attached; all his fuel could have leaked out and turned the entire house into a box of kindling.

Stupid.

Selfish.

At least Thomasin still remembered proper ODM maintenance…

A different hissing met his ears as he approached the main room- no, not hissing. Sizzling. Bubbling. A mouth-watering smell that had his stomach painfully reminding him how empty it was. He leaned against the door frame, drinking in the sight before him. It was probably the last time he'd be blessed with such a vision… Just as she had last night, Thomasin stood at her counter, wood crackling inside the oven as it burned, steam rising from the beaten copper kettle as she chopped something green, pausing now and then to stir whatever was frying in the black iron skillet. Setting her knife down, she turned to look at Erwin, and when she smiled at him, as soft and warm as always, his throat closed up.

"Good morning, sunshine. Did you sleep well?" He couldn't answer; it was taking all his strength to remain upright. She didn't seem to expect one anyway, turning back to her cooking. "I didn't wake you, did I? I was hoping you'd stay asleep a little longer; I wanted to surprise you." Grabbing the kettle with a dishcloth, she poured the water into a small cup, carrying it over to the table with the hand not leaning on her crutch. How could her hand be so steady when she was hopping across the room while his shook with him just standing there? "Don't just stand there, dummy; come sit." Her eyes were like a vortex, pulling him closer. He closed the distance between them in four steps, but he did not sit. He stood, half a head taller than her but feeling so small, his head bowed as he tried to force his lips to move, to make words.

"I'm…"

"Hmm?"

"I'm… I'm… so sorry…"

"…for what?" Of course she was going to make him spell it out- it was nothing less than he deserved. He brought this on himself.

"My behavior last night was… reprehensible. I had no right to disturb you, to say those things or act the way I did. If… if I pressured you-"

"Erwin, I'm going to stop you right there." She grabbed his chin between her thumb and forefinger, forcing him to look at her. "I know it's easy to forget this, but first- I am a trained soldier, and second- and more important- I'm not a fucking idiot. You think I didn't grab a knife before I opened the door?I knew it was you, but on the off chance it wasn't, I was wholly prepared to gut someone." She pulled the nearest chair out, turning it so he could sit and pushing down on his shoulder until he did so. She leaned her hip on the table, standing just tall enough to be able to look down at him like this.

"Do you think I open my door to any random stranger who knocks in the ungodly hours of the morning? Do you think I just let any man who looks miserable enough into my bed?" He shook his head mutely, and she stroked his hair, tucking the fine strands behind his ears. "You looked ready to keel over; I wasn't going to turn you away."

"But…! What if I had- if we'd-" Her lips quirked, half pitying, half exasperated.

"Oh, sweetie, you couldn't have gotten it up if you'd tried. You fell asleep instantly, snoring and drooling- completely dead to the world."

"I did try. I took my clothes off. You took your clothes off!"

"Yeah," she admitted quietly, "we did do that… I figured we could fool around a little if it would help you fall asleep. Didn't need to, clearly." Her eyes softened until there was only pity left in them. "I can't even imagine how exhausted you were. You always look so tired, Erwin…" So did she. Even now, deep, deep inside her eyes, he could see the bone-deep weariness inside her. He didn't see any point in confirming something she already knew as fact. Instead, he placed his hand atop hers on the table, giving it a light squeeze.

"…thank you, Thomasin. I don't think I was in my right mind last night, and I don't know where I would have gone or what I would have done if you hadn't let me in…"

"I can't shake the feeling that you probably would have passed out in my garden. And given that it started pouring well before the sun came up, you'd probably have drowned." She pulled her hand away from his, standing upright. "I could do without having to sweep your waterlogged corpse into the trash this morning, thanks." In spite of his guilt, and the anger and worry still simmering in his heart, Erwin laughed. She, unlike him, managed to make even the more morbid hypotheticals darkly amusing.

"Aww, there's a smile…" She pinched his cheek before hopping back to the stove. "Drink your tea; you're probably dehydrated, what with your secretions leaking all over me last night."

"Could you make it sound any more disgusting?"

"It sounds exactly as disgusting as it was. You cry like a little child; drool and snot everywhere. I had to wipe your face off this morning."

"I do not…!"

"You do, and if your other friends haven't told you, they either haven't seen you cry hard enough, or they're bad friends."

Taking a sip of his tea, the hot liquid burning his tongue, he glared at her back. Bad enough Mike had him self-conscious about his body odor, but now Thomasin had to make him worry that he'd devolve into some great, slobbering troll if he didn't keep a firm lid on his emotions. Still… even if he'd fallen apart physically as well as emotionally last night, she hadn't pushed him away. She'd held him close, at least until he fell asleep, paying no mind to his…secretions, or hisnaked body pressed against hers, only focused on soothing his tears, his soul.

Biting back a groan, Erwin ran a hand over his face, his skin sticky, every muscle feeling tight. This wasn't the first time they'd shared a bed, though it was the first time they'd done so with her being aware of that fact... and the first time they'd done so nude, with the intention of having sex. Well, that had been his intention, at any rate. Yet Thomasin was treating that whole aspect of the prior night as barely a footnote. It was possible she just didn't want to make things awkward, but it sounded like she truly didn't care. I figured we could fool around a bit… "Fooling around" wasn't what he wanted to call it, but maybe that was all she considered him worthy of- a quick, meaningless fuck to lull them to sleep… Something clattered on the table beside him, and he jumped, physically pulled from his thoughts.

"Whoa! Damn, calm down, Smith, I'm just giving you your breakfast…" Thomasin frowned slightly, taking in his expression. "What are you thinking about so deeply this early in the morning?" Erwin shook his head slowly.

"Nothing important."

Once he looked down at the table, he could only see her setting down more dishes in his periphery before taking a seat beside him, his entire focus solely on the spread laid before him. The plate in front of him was piled high with still-steaming fried eggs mixed with leeks and what smelled like parsley, a thick slice of dark bread leaning precariously against the mound. A wooden bowl beside it, filled with dark green leaves shining with oil that smelled of garlic and vinegar. The growl coming from his stomach could have rivaled a four-meter Titan, and it was evident Thomasin heard from her grin.

"What are you waiting for, winter? Eat, Smith." Picking up his fork and thanking her, he tried to show some modicum of decency, but the moment that first bite touched his tongue, the battle was lost. He'd never eaten so ravenously in his life, but never had food tasted so good, either. Nothing on the King's table could compare to the feast he was currently shoveling into his mouth. "…still hungry and tired all the time, huh…?"

Erwin froze, in the middle of tearing a chunk of black bread with his teeth. He'd almost forgotten Thomasin was there with him, her chin resting on her palm as she watched him with the kind of sad pity most reserved for shivering mongrels on the side of the road. Her plate was still full; she'd eaten one, maybe two bites in the time it took him to clean his own. He dropped the bread, mortified, swallowing hard without even bothering to chew.

"Forgive me- my manners aren't usually so dreadful-"

"What? No! Fuck manners!" She sounded almost distraught as she grabbed her plate and scraped her own eggs onto his. "If you're hungry, eat."

"No, I can't-"

"Yes, you can! I made this for you, Erwin." Setting her now empty plate down, she met his eyes, her own even darker with worry. Those dark circles beneath them looked painful. "When's the last time you ate? How long has it been since you've slept- actually slept, in a bed, not at your desk?" Eaten actual food and not half a pack of rations- probably less, really- as he oversaw the canons being bolted down? Maybe going on two days. His bed had been empty even longer, the comforter's perfect corners still in place. He remained silent, but Thomasin's face darkened as though she heard his thoughts loud and clear.

"I know you have a demanding job- and I know you make it even worse by holding yourself to an impossible standard- but you can't live like this. You can't. You're going to kill yourself, Erwin; your mind might be a finely honed blade, but your body is just flesh and blood. You wouldn't ride a horse to death, so why the hell are you doing it to yourself?" He swallowed, his mouth dry suddenly, the food settling in his gut like bricks.

"…because something is finally happening. Because I can finally see… something in the distance, and I need to reach it. I have to. It's so close, Thomasin, and if I slow down, it will just slip out of my reach again. No… no, this time, it will disappear for good."

Thomasin remained quiet for a long time, lacing her fingers together under her chin, as though she were praying. He wondered what she was thinking. That he was stupid, no doubt. That she was wasting her time on him, wasting her food, wasting her breath. Why bother trying so hard to save him from himself when it was clear he didn't want to be saved? …or maybe those were all his thoughts. When she finally opened her mouth, it wasn't to say anything close to what he was expecting.

"Do you have any idea how badly I want to smash this plate over your stupid, empty head?"

"Pretty badly, I'm guessing."

"You are the stupidest man who has ever lived, Erwin Smith. How the fuck are you gonna reach anything if you drop dead from exhaustion? …you're staying with me today." He put his fork down, frowning.

"Thomasin, I appreciate your concern, but I can't. I have too much work-"

"Do you even remember how you got here last night?" He blinked, taken aback by that seemingly odd question.

"I took the ferry."

"I figured. I meant, how you got from the ferry port to my front door. Do you remember the path you took? Could you retrace your steps?" He couldn't- he only remembered following the sound of the river, and vaguely at that. Thomasin continued, unrelenting. "You stumbled through Calaneth in the ungodly hours of the morning, so out of it you didn't even know where you were going or how you got there, and cried yourself to sleep… Do you actually think you're in any condition to work?" Erwin slumped in his seat, loving her for her concern as much as he hated her for her refusal to understand.

"What else am I supposed to do, Thomasin? I am the commander of the Survey Corps; who will deal with these problems if not me? If it were just the mission reports and the death certificates and the condolence letters, I would agree with you, but it's not. There are forces out there beyond our ken who would see us all dead, and the Assembly is hellbent on executing the only thing that can possibly stand up to them! I have a duty to all the soldiers who were slaughtered by that… thing yesterday to ensure that their sacrifice was not in vain!" She remained silent. He hoped that she was coming to understand just how dire their straits actually were.

"…are they going to execute him today?"

"No." Thank whatever deity was up there listening.

"Are they going to execute him tomorrow?"

"No, we have seven days before we have to turn him over." Well, six now. Thomasin rested her chin atop her clasped hands, her eyes never leaving his.

"I wonder…" Erwin sighed, already dreading wherever her thoughts were heading.

"What is it you wonder?"

"Who would be responsible for all these things if, instead of ending up on my doorstep last night, you found yourself face down in the river?" The room was humid with the stove warming the damp air, but he shivered nonetheless. "People drown in the river all the time. Usually kids, sometimes drunks. It happened in Shiganshina, too. I bet it's a pretty common occurrence in Trost, even more so when all the refugees were pouring in. You should have seen the way you were stumbling last night…"

"If anything happens to me, Mike takes over as Commander."

"So you aren't worried that the Survey Corps will fall apart without you the second you bite it?"

"No." He trusted his subordinates; he'd chosen them because he knew they could lead, just as he knew that he'd fallen into her trap.

"So you can take a single day off for the sake of your own well being without the world ending?" Erwin closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Goddammit, Thomasin-"

"No!" She startled him with the force of her voice, her fist coming down on the scrubbed wooden table so hard that their cups clattered. "You listen to me, and you listen well. No. More. I put up with you last night because I was worried about you- I was terrified for you, Erwin; I've never seen you like that before! But if you don't care, then why should I? I'm trying to help you- all I've ever wanted was to help you…! But if you won't let me, then… then I won't. Never again. Leave and never come back. Don't visit me, don't write to me- don't think of me.

…I've already told you that I can't bury you, Erwin… if you want to die rather than accept my help, then die far away from me…" Her voice trailed off into a cracking whisper, her lips pressed into a thin line, jaw clenched tight as her eyes shone, lashes growing wetter with each rapid blink.

Her words made him sick. So she did resent him for last night, but in her mercy was willing to forgive him, asking nothing in return but that he take better care of himself… and even so, there was still a part of him that wanted to argue her down, to insist that even a day of planning could spell the difference between success and failure.

Then die far away from me…

Once, years ago, she had wept, hurt by the thought of him going far away, leaving the Walls and never coming back. The years of distance had hardened her heart a bit… or maybe, she had just grown tired of him. If he stood and gathered the rest of his belongings and left now, she might be sad, might mourn all the time and effort she wasted on a relationship she was more invested in than him… But then, she might move on and put him behind her and meet a good man who would not take her kindness for granted. Someone who wouldn't disappoint her…

He lowered his gaze to his now cold plate of food. Her food. I made this for you…She always made things for him, putting so much care into the kind of comfort he assumed he would never feel again after his father was killed. I was terrified for you… And he couldn't even spare a few hours to put her mind at ease.

"I don't want to impose."

"…yes, you do. You love imposing." The hard line of her lips cracked, a tiny smile working its way onto her face. "Admit it; you came all the way out here last night just so I'd make you breakfast…" He forced himself to smile as well, even though it felt stiff and uncomfortable.

"Guilty as charged…"

~o0o~

It was still plenty early by the time breakfast was over and the dishes were washed, barely even eight. The Survey Corps would be heading out very soon, making their way back to Trost. It had taken much needling and cajoling, but Thomasin eventually relented and allowed Erwin to help her dry the plates and pans and put them away. He'd barely been awake for an hour, and already he was going stir crazy. He needed to do something- he'd rather bash his head against a rusty nail than be left alone with his thoughts. Levi and Eren would be going back to the Wall Rose base… alone. Everyone was most likely wondering where their leader ran off to. They probably thought he abandoned them, just as Shadis had done five years ago, that the pressure had been too much and he'd caved-

"Erwin." Thomasin's voice was sharp as she ground something in a mortar, her full lips thinned in annoyance. "I know you're counting the seconds until I drop my guard long enough for you to escape, but for the love of God, calm the fuck down. I'm not holding you hostage, you jackass. You can leave in a few hours, once I'm sure you aren't going black out on the way back."

"I know," he said in a low voice, forcing his foot to stop tapping. "I'm just… thinking."

"Maybe you should stop doing that. Seems to me that 'thinking' is the source of all your problems. Just… consider this your day off. What do you normally do on your days off?"

"…come here."

Since the mantle of "Commander" was thrust upon him, the "days off" he'd once shared with the rest of the Survey Corps had been forsaken in lieu of trying to keep his regiment running as smoothly as possible. There were always things to do, people to see, grieving parents to comfort, wealthy elites to suck up to, his own training to keep up with… He dedicated his heart and soul to the cause, just as he demanded from his soldiers, only putting two days of the year aside for himself. But this wasn't one of those days, and as such, everything had been thrown out of alignment. Thomasin shook her head.

"What's the point of fighting for humanity's continued survival if you don't even get to enjoy your own life?"

"I enjoy my life just fine," Erwin told her sharply, "more so than I would if I just stood back and did nothing." It was hard, tortuously hard sometimes, and often thankless, but… it was worth it. It had to be worth it. It had taken fifteen years, but he'd finally been granted a crumb, a speck of hope, and he was determined to hold onto it until it was prized from his cold, dead hands.

"If you're enjoying life so much, then calm down and enjoy it right now. Enjoy this." He sighed, burying his head in his hands. From the corner of his eye, he spotted Thomasin pouring what she had been crushing in a cup, swirling the water that remained in the kettle over it.

"I'm trying to. I just have so many things to worry about, not the least of which is you." She scoffed, affronted.

"Bullshit. You don't give a fuck about me." She said it in such an offhand manner that it sounded like a joke- it had to be- but those words tore through Erwin's heart like the barbed arrows of their capture canons.

"Yes, I do." His voice was small. "You look like you haven't slept in weeks, and I woke you up in the middle of the night."

"I'm old, Smith- that's just the way my face looks. Don't worry about it."

"It's Friday; aren't you supposed to be at work?" She paused, her mouth hanging slack as though she had completely forgotten about that.

"…shut up, Erwin. Stop trying to use me to make yourself feel bad. I think Captain Hyles will understand if I tell him I had to look after Commander Smith for a few hours." Dark eyes narrowed. "You'll corroborate that, won't you?" What choice did he have? Sighing, she hopped back over to him, setting a cup of murky, odd smelling liquid in front of him. "Drink that." Cerulean eyes stared at the cup, then looked up at her.

"No."

"What, you think it's poison?"

"I don't know- is it?"

"You dumb, ungrateful jackass…" She snatched the cup back up, blowing on it. He stared at her lips, pursed as steam softly caressed them. Lifting it to her mouth, she began sipping… and sipping. He could see her throat working. When she set the cup back down, half its contents were gone. "It's tea."

"That doesn't look like any tea I've ever seen!"

"It's my personal blend. I'm a trained apothecary, Smith; if I wanted to kill you, you'd be dead and I wouldn't have had to waste so much food on you. This is a blend of herbs and tea to help you relax. Most of it's from my own garden. It's what I drink after work." He bowed his head, feeling like a scolded child. Of course she was only trying to help him. He grabbed the cup, the thin ceramic handle feeling uncomfortably delicate squeezed between his large fingers.

"I'm sorry. Things have come to light that have left me a bit… paranoid. But I shouldn't be taking that out on you."

"What kind of things?" He shook his head as he threw back the remaining "tea". It was disgusting, thick and bitter, but there was a hint of sweetness to it that honestly just made it taste even worse. How the hell had she drunk this diarrhea water without so much a wince?

"I'm not at liberty to discuss that." She sighed quietly.

"That's probably for the best. I don't really want to hear about Titans now, anyway…"

The rain continued pouring heavily. There would be tarps over the wagons bearing the corpses- if they were soaked through to the bone, they wouldn't burn, would just smolder and smoke. With so many things on his mind and no outlet for them, Erwin felt like a caged rat. He was honestly considering just bolting to the Garrison warehouse, getting on his horse and riding as hard as he could back to Trost, but he'd found himself growing lightheaded just going to the toilet. It wasn't the usual kind of lightheadedness he got from combat or stress. His whole body felt light- too light. Thomasin found him clinging to her armoire, as though he would be carried out by a current he couldn't see but could feel.

"What was in that tea?!"

"Just something to help you calm down." She took his hand, leading him back out to the front room. Hers was smaller than his, but her grip felt just as stable and steady as that armoire. "You didn't even drink the whole cup- it's gonna wear off in an hour, tops. It just makes me sleepy, so I was expecting you to get tired and take a nap so you could catch up on your sleep, but I guess you're too big for that. I'm not used to making medicine for oxen." She frowned at him thoughtfully. "You're probably still thinking too hard. You need to do something boring to clear your mind so you can relax. How about reading? I don't have any Titan research for you, but I have a fair amount of normal books."

It had to be that horrible "tea", urging him to speak words that never would have left his mouth had he his senses about him.

"Would you read to me?" He felt so young and stupid, asking for such a thing. For a second, Thomasin's dusky cheeks seemed to redden, but by the time he blinked, her face was back to normal.

"Will you shut up and calm down if I do?" He beat his fist against his heart.

"Scout's honor."

Small as the rooms that made up her house were, it didn't stop Thomasin from dragging in more furniture. The couch was a new addition, or maybe not that new; it hadn't been pushed up against the far right wall under the window when Erwin had come last autumn, but seven months was a long time. He doubted she'd made this, probably dragged it broken and torn from some merchant's garbage. One man's trash and all that. One of the armrests had broken off, creating the effect of a chaise, which he greatly appreciated as the thing was barely big enough for one small person to stretch out across, much less two large persons.

The way Thomasin threw herself down on the dark green cushions, still clad only in her nightgown and thin dressing robe, reminded him for one tortuously long moment of the women in the brothel in Trost awaiting their customers. She would get a lot of customers.Perverts, wanting something "exotic"… Perverts like him. He tried not to think about that, but it was hard when she was pulling her dress up enough to let her right leg dangle over the side of the couch, her thighs spread wide, inviting, just as they had been last night…

"Sit here." She patted the cushion between her legs and he balked, much to her amusement. "Oh, suddenly you're all shy? Maybe you'd feel more at ease if I took my clothes off~" She lifted her hemline a few more centimeters, revealing a sliver of the inside of her whole thigh. She'd been so soft, so warm last night-

"No!" Erwin grabbed the edge of her gown, the gauzy linen almost tearing as he yanked it back down over her knee, earning a hearty guffaw from his host. "Why are you like this," he groaned weakly, perching on the very edge of the couch.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Her tone was light enough, but he could sense that it was a serious question. "We're both adults, Erwin. I mean, hell; I've seen you without pants, it's only fair that you get to see me without pants… you're a lot hairier now than you were twelve years ago." He was grateful she was willing to make light of the situation. So little fazed her… She seemed like a great tree, scarred and sloped but resilient enough to provide him respite from the storms that raged fiercer with each passing day.

His rigid posture softened under her pokes and prods and strokes, and soon she pulled him onto the couch proper, between her legs, his back resting against her stomach, his own legs dangling so far off the edge his bare feet nearly brushed the floor. Thomasin held a book in one hand, its leather cover peeling and faded, while the other rested on Erwin's arm. He'd tried to keep his hands to himself, arms folded over his stomach, but the woman behind him took hold of them even as she began reading, settling them to rest on her thighs. It was more comfortable like that, even as he worried that his heavy elbow was digging into the bruises her prosthetic left on her severed leg. If it caused her any discomfort, she kept it from her voice, a low drawl that grew richer and more confident with every sentence she read.

He found himself relaxing, her voice lulling him into a state of deep, almost unnatural calm even as she read of a cruel king bricking his daughter's servants into the walls of her crypt alive so as to serve her in death. She's claimed this was supposed to be some epic tale of romance, but he'd heard nothing romantic yet, only a tale of death and grief and sorrow that he knew well enough without some hack author trying to recapture it, and yet, he did not ask her to stop. Rain beat on the roof, against the windows. Storms like this were usually localized. It was probably clear further west, good for burning bodies.

He should have been thinking about when this new enemy would strike again, where the Female Titan was most likely to appear again, but for that singular moment, he permitted himself not to. He had not returned to base last night, and the Walls had not fallen. His officers knew where he was, there was no way they didn't, but a rider had not appeared bearing the news that Eren had been stolen away by the enemy. One day, just one day to catch his breath, a few hours to collect his thoughts, that was all he needed.

His heart had been heavy as he rode back through Calaneth, every step under its ponderous weight so taxing he could barely open his eyes, could barely see what all the sacrifice and pain had been for… His heart was still heavy, but it felt as though there were a pair of hands bearing some of that weight, their gentle touch belying their strength.

"Thomasin?" She paused halfway through a sentence, telling the tale of some prince of roses falling upon his sword.

"Yeah?"

"I love you." …huh. Funny how easily the words fell from his lips now; not so long ago, he was certain the pain of death wouldn't have been enough to pry that confession from him. Thomasin's left hand, which had been rubbing his arm through his sleeve, stilled for a moment, then patted the thick muscle there and started stroking again.

"I love you too, Erwin." He frowned, sitting and shifting until he faced her, half kneeling, half laying between her legs, a provocative position he paid no mind to. She was still holding her book in one hand, the other now draped across the back of the couch. Her expression told him nothing- he may as well have been pressed atop a statue for all those dark eyes revealed.

"No, I'm in love with you," he clarified. He needed her to understand that this was no simple, brotherly affection, for once his senses came back to him, this queer sort of courage would surely leave.

"Erwin… you're high."

"No. I'm not high, I'm not drunk, I'm not getting my affairs in order because I'm afraid I'm going to die. Not today. I might be the most empty-headed, craven man alive right now, but I am of sound mind and body. I'm in love with you, Thomasin… and I am so sorry to burden you with that."

Thomasin's expression remained the same, but something in her eyes changed, something deep, too deep for him to clearly see. Anger? Joy? Sorrow? It all looked so similar in the dull gray light of the overcast day.

" 'Burden me'… you really are stupid, aren't you? Didn't I just tell you that I don't open my door for just anyone? For no one but you… only you. Only ever you."

Slowly, she closed her book, placing it on the floor beside her, her hand going to Erwin's hair. His face was not so open and guileless as it had once been, a lifetime of hard-learned lessons teaching him the virtue of keeping his true thoughts and feelings locked away deep, deep inside where they could cause no harm. Still, he willed himself break down those walls, undo those locks, to let her see the depths of his sincerity. Her fingers ran through his hair, coming to rest on the high curve of his cheek, and for a moment, she stiffened and he envisioned her shoving him off her…

But the moment passed and the stiffness left her and she slumped forward, her forehead coming to rest against his. She looked so exhausted in that moment, but her voice was firm and when her other hand went to his back, it clutched at the thick white cotton with a strength he didn't think he could have managed.

"Why would I care if you died if you were a burden? Why would I ever put up with you if I didn't love you so much, Erwin…?" …how many years had he dreamed of hearing… maybe not those exact words. How many lonely nights had the fantasy of seeing her full lips spell out those sounds been the only comfort a cruel world saw fit to afford him…?

Five years ago, when his friends had filled his head with foolish hopes, he'd imagined a scene so similar to this, only he was down on one knee and Thomasin was smiling and laughing, and he laughed as well as he scooped her into his arms and spun her 'round. God, he had been young, then. He'd had an excess of emotion that time and grief and horror and the weight of his duties had all but snuffed out. He was happy now, yes- happier than he knew how to deal with, but more than anything, he was relieved. Putting all his weight on one arm, he took her hand in his, and pressed his lips to her fingertips.

"Thank you," he muttered against them. Questions burned at the edges of his mind, but he could have answers later. This was not the time to question a good thing, the best thing that might well ever happen to him. Thomasin gave a silent laugh, and he could smell the tea on her breath as it washed over him, not nearly as bitter as it tasted.

"I don't think anyone but you would say 'thank you' in response to 'I love you'… You're so… polite, Smith." She pressed down on his back and he lowered himself until he was draped over her like a heavy blanket. His head rested between her breasts, his ear pressed over her heart. He couldn't really hear it beating over the rain and her voice. "I wonder if you're gonna feel the same when that tea wears off…"

"Of course I will. Your stupid, drugged tea loosened my tongue; it didn't put thoughts in my head or feelings in my heart." He swallowed hard. "…I wanted to propose to you last year."

"I kind of suspected that…"

"I wanted to propose five years ago. The day Wall Maria fell, I was supposed to go to your place and-" A warm finger pressed against his lips, silencing him.

"Let's not talk about that," she whispered, her breath causing his hair to flutter. "Not now. The past is past. All that matters is right now. Not the past, not the future- just… this one single moment. This is all I want…" Erwin lifted his head to better see her. She hadn't been looking at him until he moved, and in the dim gray light, he could see her eyes shining wetly. He leaned forward, his eyes naturally slipping shut this time.

When their lips finally met, it felt like a natural extension of their conversation, nothing hurried or desperate in this first true kiss. The lust could come later; there was only sweetness found in this embrace. Every caress of hands and lips and tongues was almost lazy, as though they'd been lovers all their lives. Erwin had no idea how long they stayed like that, limbs entangled, lips pressed together even as their kisses slowed and eventually stopped. It could have been seconds, it could have been hours- the world outside that small room ceased to exist for him. There were no Titans, no Walls, and no inkling of anything beyond them. There was him and Thomasin, and nothing else, and he closed his eyes as though falling deeper into this dream might save him from waking.

"Erwin?" He could feel her lips move against his, her voice half swallowed by his mouth.

"Hmm?"

"…marry me." He wasn't even dreaming yet, but it still felt as though her words had roused him awake, the rain on the window above them suddenly louder. He'd long made it a habit to not let himself be caught unawares, to never say anything that could be used against him. His words were always carefully thought out, every reply as sharp as his blades. So of course in that moment all his wits left him.

"Huh?"

"You heard me. Marry me." She'd pulled back enough that her words were clearer this time, leaving no room for doubt.

"Why? I thought- I mean, last year, you made it sound like you didn't want to get married."

"I didn't."

"…nothing's changed, you know that, right? I still can't make time for you. I'll probably see you even less going forward. I can't give up being a commander for-" His voice caught in his throat. 'For you…'Wow, she'd been right- he really wouldn't be a good husband. She was giving him everything he wanted, and he was just pointing out exactly how little he would give back. Who would put up with his "particular brand of bullshit"?

"I know that. You think I don't know that?"

"Then what's changed?"

Erwin expected some joke about his pension, or maybe some jab demanding he make an honest woman of her after attempting to bed her last night. There were no jokes, nothing light or jovial in her eyes or voice.

"…me. I've changed. …I wonder how many times you've stumbled through Trost after a failed mission, but with nowhere to go, how many times you've cried yourself to sleep… I didn't want to rejoin the Scouts in any capacity because I didn't want to see you hurt after an expedition, but… you always hurt afterwards, don't you? I say I wanna help you, but I wouldn't put my stupid, selfish expectations aside to do this much?" She closed her eyes, pain flickering across her face. "I'm a horrible person, Erwin-"

"No, you're not," he cut her off, leaning on his elbows to cup her face, staring deep into her eyes. "You are the kindest, sweetest, most wonderful person I've ever known." Her eyes were so dark, they looked black, and her face was so still that, if he couldn't feel the warmth and give of her skin, he would swear she'd been turned to stone.

"…you don't know me," she told him in a quiet voice. "I'm the livestock you always hated so much. I don't think about the past, or the future… I just exist… with no purpose, no meaning… But… it's different now. I don't know what this is, what you'd call it, but… I want you to always have somewhere to go when you're hurt. I don't ever want you to be alone with your pain or sorrow. And I don't ever want you to apologize for coming to me, ever again." She combed her fingers through his hair, the pale blonde strands falling back into his eyes.

"You don't have to answer me now, just know that I love you so much, Erwin; I thought I'd made that clear over the years, but I guess not, so let me be perfectly clear now. I am always here for you. I will always be on your side. As long as you come back from a mission- even if you are the only person left alive- then that mission is a success to me. Nothing else matters."

His words didn't fail him this time, not exactly; he had a dozen pithy remarks on his tongue, and a dozen and a half more loving, heartfelt thanks… but not a single one of those words could convey the way his heart swelled at hers. He remained silent for that moment, peppering her face with kisses and hoping that in each one, she could feel even a fraction of the love he felt for her. It seemed she did, or at least was pleased enough with his response, for when he finally reached her lips once more, they were curved up into a wide smile.

~o0o~

Even though the hours passed, the rain continued pouring just as hard, lending itself to the illusion that time had come to a standstill. Thomasin informed him that it was just past noon, but the clouds were so thick and dark that it still appeared to be early morning… or late night. How had the Female Titan returned to the Wall? Whoever was inside may have had ODM gear, but that wouldn't serve them in any way outside the forest. They'd probably just have to run back in their Titan form, at night to keep the other Titans from attempting to devour them. Damn, he should've told the Garrison to stake lookouts along the outer section of the Wall, but he'd been so overwhelmed by the screaming and shouting and wailing that he could scarcely think about anything else at the time.

Lifting his head from the couch cushions, Erwin stared across the room at Thomasin. She was back at the counter, fixing lunch, making tea… Marry me, she'd said. Was this what life was like when people were married? His own mother had died when he was too young to remember much, other than the vague impression that his father used to smile a lot more back then… Nile always looked so happy just talking about it, about his wife and children… He doubted either of them ever worried about fourteen-meter Abnormals controlled by human soldiers, however. Pushing himself to stand, he padded softly across the room, the wood cold under his bare feet. Thomasin was swaying slightly, humming something too quietly for him to make out until he was right behind her. Hesitating for only a second, he slipped his hands around her stomach, bending to rest his chin on her shoulder.

"What's this, Smith?" He could hear the smile in her voice.

"I was lonely."

"…you were less than four meters away from me."

"I know that. Indulge me."

"As if I ever don't," she muttered under her breath. He watched her cut bread and cheese in silence, shifting only when she raised herself up on her toes to grab something from the shelf that had been put up beside the window. He grabbed the jar she was reaching for, setting it down before her, and she grinned at him over her shoulder. "Heh. You're actually kind of useful, Smith. I might just have to keep you around."

"I used to dream about things like this," Erwin told her in a whisper.

"What, helping me get jars down?" He shook his head and gestured vaguely to the scene laid out before them.

"This. Just… this. So many times, when missions failed, when people I was close to were killed, I'd find myself wishing that I was with you instead of wherever I was. Back in that tiny apartment in Shiganshina… I never realized how happy I was there." Thomasin looked away from him. She opened the jar, and a mouth-watering sweetness filled the air.

"Sounds like a happy dream."

"It always was…"

"Lucky you. I don't have dreams like that. Never have." She pulled a clay crockery closer, scooping the deep yellow butter within onto a spoon and slathering it on the bread. "The best I have to look forward to when I close my eyes is nothing. No nightmares, no thoughts. Just nothing." It wasn't the words themselves but the matter-of-fact tone in which she said them that felt like a blow to the gut.

"Thomasin-" She set down the spoon and bread and turned around suddenly with a little hop, staring up into Erwin's eyes.

"Is it the same kind of dream?" He blinked, thrown for a loop.

"What do you mean?"

"You said you dream about… this." She copied his vague gesture. "Is it the same kind of dream as the other one? When you lay in bed at night, do you alternate between picturing domestic life and picturing people from beyond the Walls throwing you a welcome party?"

Are you saying someone from… beyond the Walls is attacking us…?

"No," he told her quietly, "they're not the same, no more than bread and water are the same… yet they both nourish us. I couldn't live without one or the other." Casting her gaze away from him, she shook her head ever so slightly.

"You can live without bread…" Smiling, Erwin bent, pressing a kiss against the corner of her mouth.

"I can't. You know that. I'm a big, hungry ox- I eat almost as much bread as Mike." A tiny grin twisted her lips, despite her best efforts to remain dour.

"I can see that, Smith. Look how broad you are." She placed her hands just above his hips, running them up along his sides. His nerves crackled at her feathery touch, and he felt goosebumps raise all along his skin. Having reached just below his arms, Thomasin drew her hands over his chest, dragging them down but stopping suddenly. "You cold?" she asked. It took a second for him to realize that she'd laid her hands over his nipples, the nubs painfully hard against her palms.

"A bit," he answered truthfully, bending once more and kissing her jaw this time. "But not enough for all that. That's you." He could feel her pulse under his tongue, hard and steady, her breathing growing deeper but not hitching or wavering. Unbuttoning his shirt with one hand, she slipped the other inside, lightly tracing the curve of his pectorals with a nail.

"Heh. You're a wanton little thing, aren't you, Smith? I gotta confess, for the longest time, I thought you didn't like girls." He pulled away from his ministrations, frowning down at her.

"I had a girlfriend. I was engaged." Thomasin quirked a brow.

"And? People do things without enjoying them all the time." Her words made him pause, his hands, which had been steadily creeping lower down her body, stilling. Dark eyes narrowed. "Don't go reading meaning into that that isn't there."

"Thomasin, we don't have to… 'fool around'. That's not why I said anything."

"I know that." She ran her hands up over his chest, his neck, until she was cupping his cheeks. "You're not the kind of guy who tells a woman he loves her just to get in her bed. You're too sweet for that, too innocent…" Raising herself up on her toes, Thomasin whispered to him, her breath warm and sultry on his cheek, his ear. "That doesn't mean we can't fool around."

"Are you sure that's what you want?" She pulled back, brown eyes staring deep into blue.

"Smith, from the moment you showed up on my doorstep in Shiganshina that rainy day, dripping wet and virile, I have wanted to mount you." It wasn't so much her words, but the dead-faced seriousness with which they were uttered that had Erwin's fair skin flushing from throat to ears.

"Wh… why didn't you tell me!?"

"Because unlike some people, I have this thing called 'self control'. I was not going to risk what we had, much less risk getting pregnant, on a whim, Erwin."

"And this isn't a whim?" Her gaze softened, and she took his arms, wrapping them around her waist.

"Not in the slightest. It's still risky, but… it's a risk I'm willing to take with you." Her eyes grew hard once more. "Minimal risk, mind you- I have no intention of getting pregnant today."

"No, of course- rushing into something like that is foolishness. Now is the time to take things slow."

The damp air was cool but not unpleasantly cold. He could hear cloth rustling behind him, the bed creaking, as he closed the window. The floor beneath it was wet, and the wind chose to blow a fair amount of rain over him as recompense for his shutting it out. Turning around, the first thing his sharp eyes spotted was the flimsy linen nightgown hanging sadly over the corner of the mattress. Erwin picked it up as he approached, watching the fabric pool into a soft white puddle as he set it on the chest at the foot of the bed. Thomasin was still wearing her dressing gown, holding it closed over her breasts with one hand, the comforter pulled over her thighs.

"Are you cold?" She was grinning before she even looked up at him.

"Waiting for you to warm me up." She cast a disapproving eye over him. "I'm surprised you're still dressed. Last night, I thought your clothes would burst into flames from how fast you were tearing them off."

"Ha. Ha." He undid the rest of the buttons she had yet to unfasten, tossing his damp shirt on the floor, somewhere close to where he'd dropped it last night, pants following shortly thereafter. The bed frame creaked slightly as he put his weight on it, his fingers toying with the edge of the comforter. "You're not going to stay covered up the whole time, are you?"

"No…" She shifted the blanket, drawing her leg out. Erwin's eyes shifted to her left side, still covered. Following his gaze, Thomasin pulled the blanket up to her hip. "You don't wanna see that."

"Why wouldn't I?"

"It's gross." He frowned, looking up to meet her eyes.

"Why would you say that?" He sat beside her, carefully taking the edge of the blanket between his fingers. When she didn't stop him, he slowly began pulling it down, revealing centimeter by centimeter the bare skin that lay beneath. "I don't know what other people may think or say… it may be nothing but a horrible reminder to you… but to me, this leg is just as beautiful as the other." Erwin laid his hand on her, his fingers gently tracing over the thick scar that ran along the bottom of the stump, all the way up to the inside of her thigh. "I've seen so many people die… but not you. The Titans clipped my little bird's wings, but she's still flying-"

"Oh my god, stop, Erwin." She didn't push his hand away, covering his mouth with both of hers instead. Her cheeks were so deeply flushed, she looked feverish. "Your poetry's almost as bad as your jokes are."

"I'm being sincere!" His words were muffled by her palms.

"Well, don't be! It's embarrassing…" He caught her hands, pulling them away but not before pressing a kiss to each palm.

"I'm sorry. Would you rather I keep my true feelings and intentions locked away still?" Leaning forward, he pressed his lips against her clavicle, resting his weight on one hand whilst the other slowly rubbed and stroked her thigh. She was soft, but not so much that he couldn't feel the hard cord of muscle just beneath the skin. When she spoke, her voice buzzed against his mouth.

"No… I'd just rather you talk like a normal person." Running her fingers through his hair, she grabbed the fine blonde strands, lifting his head so he was forced to look at her. "I'm not some noble or captain or recruit you have to mince words with. Just… talk normal to me, Erwin. Like you used to."

The window was closed tight, but a chill still snuck in, stealing the warmth from him, if only for a moment. This… this was normal. This had become normal for him, though he couldn't remember when. Who did she want to hear- that boy from the Training Corps? A fresh Survey Corps recruit? Captain Smith? Section Commander Smith?

"I'm sorry, I- I don't know how else I can express myself…" She glanced away, but a small, albeit sad, smile tugged at her lips.

"No, I shouldn't say something like that. That's unfair of me. When you've made yourself be someone else for so long, it's all but impossible to turn it off so easily…" Her grip on his hair loosened, and she gently rubbed away the memory of the sting. "Forget what I said, just… don't call me a 'little bird' anymore." He pouted.

"But I like calling you that- it's… cute."

"That's Levi's nickname."

"Maybe for you- I don't call Levi that." Erwin dipped his head again, pressing a kiss to her throat and licking his way to the junction of her neck and shoulder. He pushed her dressing gown down slightly to make room for his mouth, his lips, his teeth closing over the flesh there, more of a nip than a true bite but a hard enough suction to break the capillaries, leaving the skin bright red when he pulled away. "No one but you is special enough to get a nickname from me." Thomasin subtly pulled the gown back up, covering her shoulder and most of the mark he left. Her lips were still pulled into a half smile, but it was tight.

"Aren't I lucky?"

"You? No. You've made the unfortunate decision to be saddled with me. I, on the other hand, am the luckiest man alive." He eased her down onto the pillows, his lips ghosting a trail between her breasts while his free hand was lightly running a nail along the sensitive skin at the junction of her thigh, delighted by the way her whole body twitched when he passed over one particular spot.

"Erwin?"

"Hmm?" he hummed against her skin, leaning on his elbow to reach up with his other hand and cup her breast.

"Are you a virgin?" He paused, lifting himself just enough to see her face.

"Why?"

"Just curious."

"No. I'm not a virgin."

"…are you sure? It's nothing to be ashamed of, you just seem kind of… inexperienced." He looked away from her eyes, down at her body. She was still wearing the robe, but it had fallen open, revealing everything but her arms. Her nipples were tight, such a dark umber that they looked almost black. His cock twitched appreciatively.

"I've been with a woman. More than once." Lena, that was the name of the prostitute he went to in Trost. She'd given it to him after his third or fourth time visiting, so he could request her if she was with another client. He didn't- if she wasn't in the parlor, he left. "But I'm hardly what you'd call 'experienced'." All he did in the brothel was thrust against a warm body like an animal in rut.

"I guess you've never… pleasured a woman before?" Her voice was gentle, almost sympathetic. He thought back to his final year in the Training Corps, leaning Marie against the back of the tavern, grinding against her hip, his hand shaking as he reached under her skirt. She'd moaned and shuddered against him, but they were horny teenagers stretched to their limit- a stiff breeze would have been enough to get them off.

"Can't say I have…"

"It's not alchemy, Smith. You're a smart guy- I'm sure you can figure it out. You just need to know the basics." Reaching down, she took hold of the hand that had been playing at her legs. Before he could so much as think of something to say, she took two of his fingers into her mouth, sucking gently, running her tongue up the length of one and down the other. The blood that had been steadily pooling between his legs was suddenly inflamed, and he didn't bother biting back the soft moan that left his lips. Pulling his fingers free with a soft 'pop', Thomasin gave him a stern look. "I haven't even touched you yet."

"I know. You might not even have to, at this rate. I've wanted you for so long, I'll probably explode if you look at me hard enough."

"Don't tempt me, Smith." She covered his hand with her own, directing it back down as she spread her legs a bit wider. She pressed his finger against the damp curls there, pushing it down, against the hot, wet slit that fluttered at his touch, before dragging him back up. The pad of his finger brushed against a hard bump, and her entire body jolted. "There," she breathed heavily, "right there. You just focus on that for now…"

While he stroked the bud slowly, he was more focused on the way she reacted to his ministrations. She'd spread her legs even wider, and when he dipped his finger back down, he could feel her slick pouring out of her. Her breathing, steady and stable all this time, had finally grown ragged, punctuated with the quietest of whimpering moans here and there. That wouldn't do. He wanted more. He shifted, his movements fluid and precise as he settled between her legs. His nose might not have been the sharpest, but he could smell her arousal easily, a deep, sweet musk that made his cock throb painfully. He stopped stroking for a moment, spreading her wide with two fingers. Well, that was surprising. While her lower lips were the same dark brown as her nipples, inside she was as pink as any woman. Her cunt spasmed around the open air, and as he pressed his finger in, just to the first knuckle, it clamped hard around him, earning a louder moan, though not by much.

He worked his finger into her, slowly, coating himself with her arousal as he lowered himself further, pressing the tip of his tongue against the bud. Her entire body jerked, nearly leaving the bed. That seemed like a positive reaction, so he repeated the motion, bolder this time. She sucked a sharp breath through her teeth as one of her hands found his head, gripping his hair so tight it stung. She released her grip immediately, drawing her hand back as though she'd been burnt.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-" His mouth was preoccupied, but he groped blindly for a bit, catching her wrist and pulling her hand back to his head. She seemed a bit reluctant to place her hand back, and even when she did, though he could feel her fingers twitching as she writhed beneath him, she did not grab his hair again. A shame, really- that initial sting had hurt, but it sent a pleasant tingle down his spine. Pushing his disappointment aside, he redoubled his efforts, exchanging his licks with gentle sucking and slipping another finger inside her.

That was the correct move, as her moans now intersected with broken phrases, instructions he was glad to follow, Faster, A bit higher up, That spot right there… Her grip on the back of his head tightened, holding him in place as she bucked, grinding against his mouth. She panted his name, a ceaseless mantra of Erwin, Erwin, Erwin that blurred together into a keening moan as she stiffened, every muscle in her body taut and shaking, before going limp. Breathing hard, she weakly pushed his head away.

"Okay, stop now. I need to… I need to catch my breath…" Erwin wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, crawling up to lay beside her.

"Did I do well?" Thomasin laboriously turned her head to face him, sweat beading her hairline causing the fine coils there to cling to her skin. For some reason, seeing her so deeply flushed, her lips parted as her eyes struggled to remain open, reminded him of their cadet days, the two of them collapsing at the edge of the forest after ODM training. No words, just the sound of their labored breathing. She raised a hand, brushing his hair back from his eyes.

"You did amazingly well. I'm honestly a bit surprised; where'd you learn things like that, Smith?" He glanced away.

"I didn't so much 'learn' as 'deduced'. I know what feels good for me, so I simply adjusted that technique to work on… different parts." Thomasin smiled at him, honey slow, as she rolled over, half laying atop him.

"Do I wanna know who's been sucking your cock that well?"

"No one important, I can assure you." He traced his fingers along the curve of her spine, frowning as the fabric of her robe rippled and bunched beneath them. "Are you still cold?"

"No."

"Then why don't you take this off?" She gave a half shrug.

"Why should I? You can see everything of interest…" She dipped her head, nibbling along the curve of his jaw, a cool breath breezing over his ear causing him to shiver pleasurably, but he shook his head.

"But I want to see all of you. I want to feel all of you." Reaching up, he slipped the robe from her shoulders, and she immediately rolled away, sitting up and pulling it back in place.

"Don't." Erwin frowned deeper, pushing himself up as well.

"Why not?"

"Because I said." All the sultry warmth was gone, her eyes cold and dark and hard as obsidian as she pulled the sleeves down over her knuckles. "I- I have a… birthmark…" He could hardly hear her, the words gritted out through lips that barely opened. "It's ugly."

"Thomasin, there is nothing ugly about you—" He trailed a light touch down from her shoulder to her elbow, but she batted his hand away, shifting away from him.

"It's not about what you think, Erwin! It's ugly to me, and I don't want you to see it!" Of course, being told something was off limits only made him more curious, but Thomasin was not some forbidden book the crown was trying to hide. She wrapped her arms around herself and turned away from him, but this time, he wrapped his arms around her as well, drawing her back against his chest.

"Then I won't. I hope that one day, you'll trust me enough to show me, but even if that day never comes, I at least hope you'll believe me when I say I love every part of you… no matter how much you don't." He could feel the tension in her shoulders, and he whispered lowly in her ear. "Maybe for the next time we make love, I can buy you a nice, thick winter coat that you can button up all the way…"

"I would." He moaned, kissing her neck.

"The thought alone is enough to drive me mad with lust…" When she chuckled, his lips buzzed.

With one arm still wrapped around her, he lightly stroked her belly with the backs of his fingers, his knuckles occasionally brushing lower and eliciting a jolt from her, but never more than that. His movements were deliberate, coaxing her into relaxing, her body growing pliant as she leaned against him, her arms unwrapping, the tips of her fingers peeking out from their sleeves to seek him out. He shuddered as she ran her nails lightly along the inside of his thigh, tracing along the junction of his hip, coming tantalizingly close to his cock but never touching it directly. Pulling away for a moment, she twisted in his embrace to face him, her lips crushing against his. He gladly opened his mouth, drawing her in as she lightly pushed him down onto the pillows, one hand trailing over his neck and shoulder and chest while the other gathered up the blankets to his right side, roughly folding them. She pulled away just enough to speak.

"Are you okay with this?"

"God, yes," he groaned, his own hands kneading her ass as his cock twitched and throbbed. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Some men… don't like the idea of being… underneath." Breathing hard, his lips twisted in distaste.

"Fools. I can't think of any idea I like more than seeing you on top of me." He grew serious. "As I've said, I'm… not very experienced. If this is more comfortable for you, then by all means, do with me as you wish." Thomasin gave him a small smile, sitting somewhat lopsided as she leaned back on the one calf.

"It's not that it's comfortable, it's just… that I really want to look at you." She swallowed hard enough that he could see her throat working, her lips parted as her chest rose and fell harder the longer she looked at him. Laying her palm flat just below his sternum, she dragged her hand down over the ripples of his abs, trailing her fingers along the trail of dark blonde hair that started at his navel, pulling away just before reaching the wiry thatch between his legs. She let out a shaky breath. "Body of a god…"

"You flatter me."

"I'm not trying to." She tucked the covers beside him, using them to rest what was left of her thigh on to balance herself as she straddled him. "I had dreams about you like this, sometimes… when I was younger. After the Survey Corps. I'd wake up, aching and wet and angry and confused… Why did you have to go and get so attractive? Why did my stupid body and stupid brain have to conspire to ruin what we had?" Erwin reached up to cup her cheek, brushing his thumb along the soft skin below her eye.

"I hate that it upset you so, but… I confess, I'm more than a little happy to know that my lecherous fantasies weren't as one-sided as I'd always feared. Don't dwell on it any longer. There's no need to be angry or confused; just be happy now, with me." Her lips quirked into a smile, and she turned her head to press a kiss against his palm. Her lips worked their way down, against the pulse point of his wrist, down his arm, leaning until her breasts flattened against his chest to slant her mouth against his. They kissed deeply, hungry for one another. He swallowed her soft moans as her hips began rocking, the curls between her legs scratching him as she dragged her already slick cunt over the ridges of his abdomen.

Erwin would have been content if they'd continued like that if she wasn't ready to move too fast or take too great a risk just yet, his cock straining against his stomach, the swollen head brushing against her ass every time she rocked her hips, but it seemed she was just preparing herself. Lifting herself up, one hand braced on his shoulder, Thomasin reached between them to grasp his member, positioning him. He could feel her slit flutter around the head of his cock for a second before she lowered herself onto him, taking him in to the hilt in one smooth motion. He could not stop his back arching, his cry of pleasure ringing throughout the house. A finger pressed against his lips, and he reluctantly opened his eyes.

"Don't scream like that!" she whispered harshly. "They can probably hear you all the way to the Garrison warehouse!" He took her finger into his mouth, sucking the digit much the way she'd done to him, releasing it with a nip to the calloused pad.

"Good." His voice was as defiant as his gaze as he looked up at her. "Let them hear me. Should I be ashamed that the most beautiful woman in all the world is making love to me?" She blushed prettily, but gave him a challenging smirk.

"Don't think I won't gag you if you make a scene, Smith." Erwin couldn't tell if her words were meant to be a threat, given that they only succeeded in making his cock twitch excitedly, something she clearly felt, which served to spur her on.

Raising herself up, she moved her hands from his shoulders to rest them over his pectorals, running her fingers through the fine hair that curled there, rubbing his nipples with her thumbs until they stiffened. Dipping her head, she flicked her tongue over one of the peaks, drawing it into her mouth and sucking lightly until his head fell back, a deep groan reverberating in his chest.

One of his hands rested on her hip, his fingers digging into the fat there, inwardly pleased that the painful jut of bone he'd felt four years ago was completely absent. His other hand found one of her breasts, kneading the soft flesh before taking a dark nipple between his fingers and lightly rolling it until it stiffened. She set the pace of their lovemaking, and after a few blissful moments of figuring out the rhythm, he began thrusting to meet the rocking of her hips, earning a tight-lipped moan from her.

"Why are you being so quiet?" She chewed on her lip, her gaze darting away awkwardly.

"Force of habit, I guess. I'm used to there always being other people around…"

"There's no one here now. No one but me." Reaching down, he rubbed her clit with his thumb, hard, small circles that made her back arch, a sinful keen bubbling up her throat as her mouth fell open, pleasure inscribed on every inch of her face. "There we go… let me hear you, at least. All of you."

This was paradise, a taste of the rapture that could have been theirs so much sooner fear hadn't stayed their hands and silenced their tongues. Of course, things were always clear in hindsight. At least now, their hands and tongues were busy making up for lost time, moans and murmured adulations and loving whispers joining the din of lewd squelches and the creaking bed frame as their fingers groped and caressed every inch of skin the other made available to them. Erwin could feel his release creeping closer, the pleasure in his core coiling tighter and tighter. Normally, he rarely abstained, giving into his orgasms as quickly as they came, viewing them simply as something to be done with the older he got, but this time, he held back, keeping his lust-darkened gaze locked on the goddess above him, drinking in the way the steely light caught on the sweat beading her hairline and the saliva trickling from her slack mouth. He wouldn't chase his release until her face contorted in pleasure from her own, and judging by the tiny furrows above her brows and the way her lips twitched, it was safe to say she was close.

"Erwin?"

"Hmm?"

"Talk to me…"

"What do you want me to say?"

"Anything," she whimpered, her thighs squeezing his hips as her cunt squeezed his cock. He smiled through his lustful haze.

"I love you. Is that what you want to hear? That I love you, and I've loved you for years, and I especially love watching you cum all over me…" His voice dipped to a guttural whisper, earning a delightfully loud moan that sounded more like a sob torn from somewhere deep inside her. "I love hearing you moan, and I love the way you look at me, as though you can't imagine anyone else inside you."

"I can't… it's only you. It's only ever been you…" He groaned, his thrusts coming fast enough that his hips left the bed entirely as the coil of pleasure tightened in his loins, pushing him to the precipice of his orgasm. The hand not flicking against her clit held her hip to steady her, his fingers digging into the flesh there hard enough to bruise.

"God, if I could be reborn with that knowledge… I'd waste less time complaining about my idiot problems, and put that time to better use making love to you until you couldn't close those sweet thighs of yours without thinking of me between them…" Whimpering loudly, she rode him faster and harder, those whimpers blooming into moans that practically became screams, lifting herself off his cock as she came, gushing slick in such copious amounts that the sheets beneath him were quickly saturated. He ceased rubbing her clit, reaching down instead to wrap a hand around his cock, rubbing his thumb over the slit as he jerked himself so hard and fast, it almost hurt. But it was the sweetest ache.

Throwing his head back, his voice joined with hers as his climax crested, washing over him so hard stars burst white behind his eyelids. The tendons in his arms stood out like steel cables, his fingers locked in a death grip, both around his cock and digging into her thigh as he rode out his orgasm, stroking himself until pain began seeping into the pleasure. Groaning weakly, Thomasin collapsed atop him, her ragged breaths hot but chilling the sweat that gathered in the dips of his clavicle.

"Oh… oh, god, I think I died for a second, there…" Erwin mumbled something incomprehensible in response, resting his hand on the small of her back and wincing as his already sticky palm made contact with the still warm semen seeping into her dressing gown.

"Is this what sex is supposed to feel like," he asked as he caught his breath, "because this is so much better than what I've been doing…" She laughed breathlessly.

"Yeah, it is kind of great when you do it with someone you actually like… I can see the appeal." Slowly, their breathing returned to normal. "Am I crushing you?" She asked, her voice muffled by his skin as she shifted to stretch her leg between his own.

"Yes, but I like it; it's a good crushing." Smoothing her hair down away from his face with his relatively clean hand, he inhaled slowly. "You weren't a virgin, were you?"

"No."

"…was this the first time you've ever done this with someone you 'like'?" She sighed quietly, her breath cooling his heated skin.

"Yeah…" His fingers caught in her hair as he slowly combed them through.

"…me too."

The rain had slowed down considerably at some point, the constant hiss now little more than a patter. The sheets were uncomfortably damp and stuck to his back, but Erwin barely shifted, not wanting to disturb Thomasin. She was as sweaty and hot as he was, her curls itching his chest. He couldn't imagine the damp thatch of blonde hair there felt any better against her cheek, but she didn't move and neither did he. In any other situation, it would have been unbearably unpleasant, but right here and now, he was certain this was what heaven felt like. The closest he'd ever come to it, at any rate. He glanced out the window. It was still too overcast to judge the time. Probably around three, by his estimate. The Scouts would have reached the headquarters in Trost hours ago, but it was likely Eren and Levi were only just arriving at the Wall Rose base-

"You can go now, you know…" Thomasin's voice was quiet enough that he more felt it as a quickly cooling breeze against his heated skin than heard it, but the words rang in his mind as though she'd shouted them at him.

"What are you talking about?"

"You're thinking about Corps stuff. Your last expedition, your next mission, that Titan boy… I told you that you could leave when I was confident you weren't one wrong step away from collapsing. You seem to have gotten your second wind- and then some." Her voice was light and airy for being so quiet. He tightened his arm around her.

"You make it sound like I want to leave."

"You do."

"I have to leave. Things are changing, Thomasin- rapidly, and not necessarily for the better. If I were to just stand back and let it all play out, countless more people would die. You would be in danger. I can't let that happen." Silence. And then…

"…I know." Shifting slightly onto his side, he wrapped his other arm around her.

"I wish I could stay here with you. Stay in this room, stay in this bed- never have to worry about anything ever again."

"No, you don't," she told him, meeting his gaze with heavily lidded eyes. "You wish you were outside the Walls, being the first outsider in a century some distant conclave of humanity has seen." Erwin paused for a long moment.

"…two things can both be true. I can want to prove that other humans are still alive and then want to come home to you." She pushed herself off his chest, leaning on her arms over him, a wry smile twisting her lips.

"Oh? You sure you wouldn't get bored of me once you find someone more exotic?" He smiled back at her, completely sincere, pushing himself up on one arm, his free hand smoothing over her hair.

"I don't see myself investing another lifetime into someone else for the sake of an aesthetic change. I've made my choice. There isn't anyone else in the world I want more than you, Thomasin." Something flickered in her eyes.

"How do you know that? You don't know what exists beyond those Walls."

"Yes, I do. Other people." He pressed a light, feathery kiss to her lips. "Other people who aren't you." He pulled back, just enough to see her better, to meet her eyes. His tongue darted out to wet his lips, but his mouth felt like it was full of sand. "Do you hate me for it? For saying all these things, but then wanting to be a good commander instead of a good husband?" Thomasin did not answer him right away, just continued breathing slow and deep and staring into his eyes all the while.

"…you know, before I met you, I never cared about my birthday. The passage of time didn't matter to me, because every day was the same as the one before. But when you started visiting me in Shiganshina, I found myself not just thinking about the future, but actually looking forward to it. 'He'll come and visit me- I just have to make it 'til then'; that's what I told myself." Her lips smiled at him, warm and soft, but it didn't touch her eyes. "One day, you'll be a wonderful husband. That's what I'm looking forward to now." He swallowed hard.

"I pray I don't disappoint you…" Leaning forward, she lightly pressed her lips against his, barely a kiss, and spoke against his mouth.

"I have faith in you. Just don't die before that day."

"…you either, Lindemann…"

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A/N- Aw, there we go~ I haven't written smut in a long time. It used to be super easy for me to write, but this time, it just wasn't. This is not a smut-heavy fic, as the story is not about sex, but the sex does have an impact on the story. All in all, there will be about three and a half sex scenes, and 98% of them also serve as character/plot development.