Chapter 9
Bella
I look at this woman who seems to have everything. A good job, an expensive apartment, a new car, and a husband I would probably kill for. I'm happy she appears to be as insecure as I am. We both hide it well under normal circumstances.
"No, I'm not," I finally answer.
"It just seems like you two…" She trails off.
"Like we what?" I walk over to my little coffee station. I lift up the carafe. "Coffee?" I offer.
"No, thank you."
I shrug and pour myself some before going to sit at the small dining table. I rub the sides of my mug to warm me up. It's been getting colder lately, and I suddenly miss LA.
"Like we what?" I repeat.
She sighs and sits across from me, throwing her designer purse on the seat next to her.
"Are having fun getting…reacquainted," she answers.
I don't know how to respond to that. "Fun" is not the word I would use. Confusing, aggravating, bittersweet maybe. I decide to go for honesty. "It's more awkward than I thought it would be actually."
"How so?"
"Here's this guy I knew over a decade ago, and I knew him well. But I broke his heart, and I didn't even realize it, so it's been sobering, trying to atone for my past decisions."
"Why does it even matter?"
"Good question," I say with a laugh, but there's no humor in it.
"If I wasn't in the picture, would you be sleeping with him?"
Now there's the question of the year.
"It doesn't matter because you are in the picture. I'd never entertain a married man."
"It matters to me."
"It shouldn't." I get back up and place my mug in the sink before meeting her gaze. "I refuse to dwell on this matter any further. We parted amicably all those years ago, and there's no unfinished business here. Now I do have to get back to work, but feel free to find the set designers and offer your assistance about that god-awful resident's lounge they're messing up."
"Maybe I will do that." She grabs her purse and gets up.
"It's in Corridor C, second door on the right. They can use all the help they can get, and if you work with Esme, I know you're good. Tell them Bella sent you."
She nods, then lets herself out. I blow out a breath and steady myself before leaving the trailer. I didn't need this shit today.
Edward is already on set, and he looks at me questioningly. I force a smile and shrug.
The work, Bella. Focus on the work.
I get through the dozen takes, then move on to running lines with Alice and Victoria. It's late when we get finished, and I say good night to them as I head toward my car.
"Why is my wife helping with set design?"
I stop in my tracks and turn to look at him. "Don't you know not to approach someone in a parking lot at night?"
"It's well lit, and I spoke to let you know I was here."
"They're fucking up the resident's lounge. And she was here, so…" I shrug. "Is it a problem for you?"
"No," he answers quickly. Too quickly.
"No matter. It's not too long from being finished."
"You don't know Jess."
And I don't really want to, I want to say, but I refrain.
"Well, I've got a takeout order waiting on me. See you Monday." I leave him standing there.
I can't avoid my mother any longer as she insistently calls all day Saturday. I finally give up and answer.
"Hi, Renee."
"It's about time. Would it kill you to talk to me more often?"
Yes.
"Of course not, but I'm very busy. At least until mid to late November, then you're coming in for Christmas, right?"
"Right. Phil and I can't wait to see you. It's been too long."
I soften. She is a good person, just maybe not meant for motherhood.
"I can't wait to see you either, Renee."
"But that's not why I called."
Imagine that.
"Why didn't you tell me that Edward Cullen is starring on your show?"
There it is.
"Edward Cullen has a role on Olympic Med," I correct.
"Stop splitting hairs, Bella."
"There's nothing to tell, Renee."
"Bullshit. I wasn't born yesterday. Now tell me everything."
"Like I said, not much to tell. He's a doctor, so my boss thought he'd be a good medical advisor. He appeared on screen, it blew up, and now he's my love interest." That about sums it up.
"Not much to tell, huh?" There's a pause then. "Is he single?"
"No."
"That's it?"
"No is a complete sentence."
"What's her name?"
"Jessica."
"What do you think about her?"
"I don't know her that well. I don't have a whole lot of time to socialize these days. She seems fine."
"She'd have to be to land that boy. He has grown into one handsome man."
Great, my mother is simping on my ex. Join the crowd, Renee.
"He's just Edward to me." I shrug even though she can't see me.
"I wish you two would've worked out. Have you met anyone in Seattle?"
"When would I have the time? What part of I'm very busy are you not comprehending?" I snap, then instantly regret it. She doesn't deserve that from me. "I'm sorry. I'm just ready for a break."
"You need more rest."
"I do. I think I'm gonna take a nap," I hint.
"Okay, baby girl. I'll talk to you later. I love you."
"Love you, too," I say, but she's already gone.
I do take a nap and wake up feeling a little better. I order from my favorite Thai restaurant and eat on the balcony, wrapped in a warm blanket. The noise makes me feel a little less lonely. All I need is a cat, and I'd be a walking stereotype.
On Sunday, I learn next week's script. More sex.
"I want Jake back," I groan out loud.
Monday finds me bleary-eyed and grumpy, which makes set rehearsals unbearable. Anton has to bring Alec down, who pulls me to the side.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"Where do I start?" He just looks at me, and I say, "I'm fine."
"That's Maggie's go-to line, not yours."
"Art imitates life or whatever. I'll be okay. I just need more coffee."
He looks around, then barks, "Ang, get some coffee for Bella."
Ang nods.
"And get her a new attitude while you're at it."
She rolls her eyes but heads to the coffee cart for an espresso. She brings it back, and I shoot it like tequila.
"I love you, really," I tell her.
She just heads back to her corner with a wave.
"Okay, you good?" he asks.
"Yes." I'm not, but it's my job to act like I am.
We get through the rehearsals, then shoot a scene. I rally for the rest of the day and decide to drop by Alec's office to apologize. I'm not one to hold up production.
He's not in his office, so I leave, and as I'm passing by Edward's office, I hear arguing, but I'm not going anywhere near that. Not my circus, not my monkeys.
I head back to my empty suite and eat my feelings.
Tuesday I approach Alec's office again, but Edward's office door is open, and he's got his head in his hands. I walk by, but I instantly backtrack and pop my head in.
"You okay?" I ask, keeping my tone deliberately light.
"Just peachy." He leans back and looks like I did yesterday.
I can see rumpled blankets on the couch in my periphery. He notices that I notice.
"She hasn't been in here before, so we had dinner, and she started talking about decorating my office after she's done with the lounge."
I nod, waiting for him to continue.
"She found our picture on my desk and threw a fit. Lots of accusations. I mean, it's twelve years old. We've each lived a whole life without each other, you and me. Guess I should've put up a picture of her, too." He laughs humorlessly.
"I'm sorry."
His head snaps up. "It's not your fault."
"I shouldn't have given you that picture. Not everyone understands the trip down memory lane."
"She has no right to be jealous."
"Doesn't she though?"
Our eyes meet and hold.
"What are you doing here?" comes a voice from behind me.
Jessica shakes us out of our trance, and I suppress an eye roll before facing her.
"I work here," I say.
She raises her chin. "I have to ask you to refrain from visiting this office."
"No problem," I say easily.
"Jess, this is not your office," Edward says. "It's mine. And I can have whoever I want here."
"I'll just leave you two to do this." I wave my hands between them, slipping past Jessica to get to the door.
"If you think I'm gonna sit by and let you fuck her, you're out of your mind!" is the last thing I hear Jessica screech before escaping to Alec's office.
When I open the door, he can hear them fighting, and he looks up in confusion.
"Edward's wife isn't too keen on my existence at the moment," I explain.
"Did y'all…"
"No. And we won't. I don't need that drama circulating for public consumption."
"Good girl."
I sit down and apologize for yesterday. He waves my apology off like I knew he would. Then we talk for a few minutes.
"Do you think it's safe to venture out?" I ask.
He gets up. "If it's still going on, I'll put a stop to it."
It's quiet though, and I head toward the set. Edward is already there and looks none the worse for wear, although a little rattled.
"You okay?" I mouth.
He nods but keeps his distance. Fine by me.
We run the scene a few times, make the necessary corrections, and do it a few more times before we hear "it's a wrap." I noticed about halfway through that Jess is out of Edward's eyeline, watching. Luckily, this is a trauma scene, so we don't have any direct dialogue with each other.
I walk in the other direction and am well down the corridor when I hear my name.
I turn to face Jessica for the third time in five days. "What?" I snap. I'm done being nice.
She backs up a little, but then straightens her shoulders.
"I wanted to apologize for my actions this morning," she says. "I was out of line."
"Miss me with that insincere bullshit, okay? You're not sorry, and I'd respect you more if you could refrain from lying to me. You think I'm after your husband, but I'm not. After all, I've already had him," I taunt.
Her face darkens. "Fine, you want to play it this way? Let's do this. You will stay away from my husband, effective immediately."
I lean closer to her. "I work with him, and since I doubt you want to lose that hefty paycheck, I don't see how that would happen. We both know I can run you off this set permanently. Don't make me do it." I see Edward approaching, and I fake a smile. "I hope you two have a good night," I gush.
Edward looks between us, but I keep that smile plastered on my face until I turn around.
Bitch.
It's Friday, one of my favorite F words, third only to food and fuck, and it's read-through day.
"Next week's episode is 'The Self-Destruct Button.' Bella, you know what to do."
I clear my throat and begin.
"Okay. Anyone who says you can sleep when you die, tell them to come talk to me after a few months as a resident. Of course, it's not just the job that keeps us up all night. I mean, if life's so hard already, why do we bring so much trouble on ourselves? What's up with the need to hit the self-destruct button? Maybe, we like the pain. Maybe, we're wired that way because without it…I don't know. Maybe we just wouldn't feel real."
Maggie is complaining about not knowing much about Liam. He keeps his answers light and non-revealing. He flirts to distract her.
Emergent cases include a girl named Chloe, who is there because of a secret botched stomach surgery in Mexico, and a guy who swallowed his girlfriend's keys to keep her from leaving. Red flag number 500 maybe?
And the whole table erupts with the news that Alice's character, Charlotte, is pregnant.
"You whore," I tease. She gives me the finger.
It ends with Liam charmingly revealing a few facts for Maggie in a sweet scene that's met with vocal approval.
Then lunch and reshoots. Rinse and repeat.
It's cold out now, and I wish I had a heavier coat. I jog against the wind and slight sprinkling of rain to warm up in my trailer with a cup of coffee. I'm debating between hazelnut or caramel creamer when I hear footsteps right behind me. I glance back and slow down to a walk.
"What can I help you with?" I ask.
"How do you know I want to talk to you?" he asks.
"'Cause your office is inside the building, Edward. Not here."
"Did Jess apologize?"
If that's what you want to call it. "Yes."
"Sincerely?"
"What do you think?"
"That's what I thought." He sighs.
"I'm sorry." My trailer is a few yards away. "It's cold outside. Do you want some coffee?"
"That would be great."
He follows me inside, and I fix some coffee, putting both my creamers in the middle of the table. He ignores them and takes a swig. I make a face.
"When you're a doctor, you take it black."
"I'm not a doctor; I just play one on TV." I pour a liberal amount of creamer in my coffee to make my point.
"When you get diabetes, don't come crying to me." He smiles, but he lets it fall almost immediately. "I live for the levity of these moments with you."
"You shouldn't."
"I know." Another sigh. "Can I just sit here for a few minutes and forget all the rest?"
"Yeah, you can."
I can give him this, and so I do. We sit quietly until his phone goes off, and with a thankful smile, he leaves me to my thoughts.
Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I've made
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you
– "Leave out all the rest," Linkin Park