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Ch. 49- "Hearts"
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A/N- For added emotional torque, I recommend reading the "I just wanted to get to that basement" monologue with "Decretum" from the Puella Magi Madoka Magica OST playing softly in the background.
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Green pillars rose all around the perimeter of Shiganshina, the green smoke quickly dissipating in the dewy morning air. If Reiner and Bertholdt were nearby, they knew that something was going according to the Survey Corps' plans, even if they weren't yet sure what it was. Erwin's head was on a swivel, trying his level best to keep eyes on every square meter of ground below him. Sometimes, he would stiffen as he swore he saw movement from one of the dilapidated homes, only for it to have been the wind buffeting a rotted curtain.
Occasionally, he would turn, eyeing the village on the other side. The only movement on that side was the new recruits, tending to the horses. His heart beat so hard that it was almost enough to make him feel lightheaded. He kept his ODM handle in hand, running his thumb along the textured leather. Was he afraid? Nervous? Excited? All those emotions felt too similar to one another to distinguish, so he settled for cautiously optimistic.
Maybe Reiner and Bertholdt and Ymir and whoever was inside of the Beast Titan that wiped out Mike's squad had grown tired of waiting for them and had returned to whatever hellish place they called home. It was a long shot, but a man could hope… at least, until he caught sight of movement from the corner of his eye, atop the Wall for once. Armin Arlert was standing by the edge several meters away, waving frantically, trying to silently catch Erwin's attention. Gripping his handle tighter, he made his way over to the young soldier.
"What is it, Arlert?" The boy pointed at the stone-like surface at his feet, and Erwin's heart dropped like a stone at the sight of the soot smeared there. Kneeling, he placed his hand over the darkened spot. Cool to the touch, but there was enough ash to stain his palm black. If it had been the result of Shiganshina's stalwart Garrison, five years of rain would have washed it away.
"I- I think I should check the ground nearby, sir." Armin's voice quaked, as though he were trying to hide how nervous he truly was. The commander nodded.
"Ready your blades. The last thing we need is to be caught unarmed in enemy territory." The boy swallowed hard, his face the color of sour milk, but nodded nonetheless.
"Yes, sir." As he deployed his hooks and repelled down the Wall, Erwin turned his attention back towards the outer gate. To think, if they'd come back a few hours later all those years ago, they could have been there when it first happened. They could have killed those monsters then and there…
Ha. Who was he kidding? They could have died right along with all the soldiers whose corpses they left in the woods. He saw the flash before he heard the crack. Eren was beginning the hardening process. Levi and Hange were there to keep an eye on him, so Erwin turned his attention back to surveying the land. Boots scuffed along the wall as Dirk approached him.
"The west side of the district seems all clear, Commander. …you really think those kids are here?"
"Why wouldn't I assume they are?"
"Because… they're not attacking. If they were here, why wait for us to actually get into the district? Why not wipe us out before we even begin sealing the Wall?"
"They wouldn't know that Eren can harden. The last time Bertholdt and Reiner saw Eren seal one of the holes they put in the Wall, it was by carrying a boulder, and it took quite some time to accomplish. They probably think we have to find a piece of rubble large enough to fill the hole, and are counting on that taking a while-"
"Commander Erwin!" Both men turned as Armin pulled himself back to the top of the Wall, having undershot the mark with his gear. He wiped his brow, pushing aside the blonde hair plastered there. "I found a full set of camping equipment scattered on the ground. They seemed to be drinking something that resembled black tea, but didn't smell like it. The pot was cold, but there were three cups that I could find."
"Three?"
"Yes, sir." So that accounted for Reiner, Bertholdt, and… who else? Possibly Ymir, although Historia Reiss would claim until her dying breath that the girl wasn't an enemy of humanity and only went with the traitors out of a sense of guilt. Maybe that Beast Titan, then? Maybe another. Who could possibly know?
"What was the pot made of, Armin?"
"Uh… I-I'm not sure, sir. I think iron?"
"Was the metal thick or thin?"
"It was pretty thin."
"And it was empty?"
"Yes, sir." Dirk leaned closer to him.
"Wha-what does all that mean, Commander?"
"It means we walked into a trap. It wouldn't take long for a thin, empty metal pot to cool completely, especially after falling sixty meters and sitting on the cold ground, but these people felt confident enough to set up camp and brew tea on the inner edge of the Wall, where we would immediately spot them. We were in the open for less than five minutes, meaning they had more time than that to hide." Replacing his handle in its holster, Erwin gestured for the nearby soldiers to come closer.
"Is something wrong, Commander?"
"All of you are to search the area again, this time under the command of Armin Arlert." A dozen eyes trained on the recruit, and he shrank under their gaze. Marlene quickly saluted.
"Yes, sir!" She turned to Armin. "My squad searched every nook and cranny along the eastern side of the Wall, and Dirk's searched the west side. Both are clear, so where do you want us, Arlert?"
"Uh… uh…" The young Scout looked like he was about to vomit, but he swallowed hard and squared his shoulders. "Search the houses along the main street, both inside and outside the district. Focus on houses with more than one story, and those whose doors and windows are already broken, and if you find any signs of recent entry like fresh dirt, report by acoustic shell… uh… p-please…?" Several brows raised, more than one pair of soldiers giving each other sidelong glances, but they all saluted once again.
"Yes, sir!" As the squads split, Armin took a second to bury his face in his hands before following Marlene's squad into the district. Dirk alone remained atop the Wall.
"You think it's smart giving command to a kid?"
"Arlert was born and raised in Shiganshina, and spent three years training and living with the enemy; I think he might have insight that we do not."
"Didn't he withhold information about the Female Titan?"
"That's in the past. I'd like to think he's matured since then…" Twin columns of green smoke rose from the outer gate, signaling that Eren had finished hardening. So, now they were well and truly trapped in this pen with their enemies.
"Hange and Levi's squads are approaching. What do we do, sir? Put the operation on hold until we find the enemy?" Erwin closed his eyes, the memory of pain ghosting up what remained of his right arm. The last time he'd encountered these children, they hadn't even had a plan and yet they'd cost him a piece of himself and half of his Survey Corps, most of his best soldiers. Now… now he was in their territory and they not only had time to plan, but at least one other party to help them think, perhaps even the monster that wiped out Mike's squad.
"No. We continue. The longer we stay in enemy territory, the less favorable our outcome will be. We need to seal the gates as quickly as possible, and if that plays into our enemy's hands, we have to accept that loss. All we can hope for now is that we're better prepared than they are." They at least had the thunder spears to hopefully deal with the Armored, but as for the Colossal- An ear-piercing tone rang out, causing everyone in the immediate vicinity to wince. Gas hissed and wires whirred as the Scouts reconvened atop the Wall. Armin was putting away the signal gun he held.
"What is it, Arlert?"
"Did you find them?"
"Where are they!?"
"The Walls!" Every one of the older soldiers gave him a look as though he'd lost his mind.
"We already searched the Walls!" Marlene snapped at him. "There's nothing-"
"They have to be inside the Walls!" The silence that fell over the group was so heavy, you could hear a pin drop. Even the ever-present wind seemed to slow a bit.
"…inside the Walls? Inside the Walls that are built up around living, breathing Titans- those are the Walls you think are hollow?"
"Th-there must be a space big enough for a human-"
"Where?! The Walls are sixty meters tall and well over a thousand around on two sides; there are only thirty of us here!"
"Uh-"
"What if we accidentally uncover one of those Wall Titans and it breaks out and goes on a rampage?!"
"If you're gonna send us on a wild goose chase, at least give us some justification!"
"I- I… uh…!" Erwin reached into his jacket, pulling out the signal gun with the red flare preloaded. The acrid smoke burned his eyes, but everyone stopped arguing with the boy and gave their full attention to him, the crowd parting as he stepped forward.
"Are you smart, Armin?"
"I… I…" For a moment, those large blue eyes staring up at him seemed as though they might fill with tears, but suddenly, something deep within them hardened. "Yes, sir. I know it sounds impossible, but the enemy always catches us off guard because they use their Titan abilities in ways we don't think of. If Eren's hardening can merge with other materials, shouldn't we also assume Reiner's can?" His eyes widened, his jaw going slack. "The gate… There can't be Titans where the gates are because of the chains and pulleys inside them…! They wouldn't break the gates if there was a possibility of freeing a Titan that would eat them!" Armin turned back to the other soldiers. "They're hiding either in this column, or the one over the sluice gate; they have to be. Reiner and Bertholdt aren't stupid; they're going to find a place where they can monitor everything we're doing!" The soldiers continued gaping until Erwin raised his voice.
"You heard Arlert- split into two teams and investigate these two sections of the Wall!"
"Y-yes, sir!" As the gathered squads deployed their hooks and once more repelled down the Wall, one of the soldiers that had stopped along the western end of the wall continued running. Levi's blades were already attached by the time he reached the inner gate, breathing just a bit harder than normal.
"Did you find them? Where are they!?"
"Not yet- go back and guard Eren."
"Eren has Hange and my squad guarding him. And Mikasa. She's almost as good as me; he'll be fine. So what's going on here?"
"Armin thinks he's found-" Another sound grenade went off.
"Right here! This part of the Wall is holl- Ghik!" Levi moved so quickly, he was already halfway down the Wall before Erwin took a single step. Humanity's Strongest Soldier swung his blade at the muscular blonde young man, ready to sever his head from his neck-
Ping!
The now all-too familiar sound of ultra-hardened steel snapping as it met with Titan hardening. What looked like a chunk of the Wall itself was falling faster than Levi could catch up to it, and when it hit the ground, it shattered. A blinding light erupted from that speck on the ground, a cocoon of bone and flesh and skin harder than stone swallowing it and forming the shape of the Armored Titan. Well, that was one of them…
"Keep your eyes open! We still need to find his allies-!" The loudest sound Erwin had ever heard, louder than a Titan's roar, rang out behind him. Dozens upon dozens upon dozens of canons firing in tandem- a sound so loud he could feel it pressing on his eardrums. Turning, that old, primal fear he hadn't felt since he was a fresh recruit wrapped its icy tendrils around his heart. A cursory glance revealed fifty- sixty- probably over a hundred- maybe even a thousand Titans, ranging from three to twelve meters. And that one in the middle…
He hadn't known what to think, reading Connie Springer and Historia Reiss' reports about what happened at Utgard Castle. A giant Titan, covered in fur. Giant wasn't the half of it- even from a distance, he could see that it would have towered over Eren's Titan. Seventeen meters at least, and its arms nearly brushed the ground. They looked so thin and weak, as though they would snap under their own weight, yet it managed to dislodge a massive stone that must have been torn from the mountain with all the effort of a man grabbing a pebble.
'No…'
It wound up
'…no…'
twisting its repugnant body
'Please, God, no…'
to hurl the stone with all the force contained in those rippling muscles.
I'll be back by tomorrow
No, you won't
"INCOMING BOULDER! GET DOWN!" Even as they threw themselves out of its trajectory, Erwin saw it falling, falling, oh god, no… The entire Wall shook as they climbed back to their feet.
"Oh… Oh, thank god, it missed…"
"Not so. That was a well-placed shot. It blocked off the gate. We're completely trapped. They plan to target our horses, block our escape routes, and slaughter us." Dirk's hands were shaking. Erwin's felt completely still. His whole body felt still. His was a fear, a dread too deep to be expressed by tremors. He felt… numb. As though he were watching the events unfold not through his own body, but as a spectator watches a play. Perhaps that was why he was able to speak clearly, the pretty song of a little bird trapped in a beast's teeth.
"The enemy hopes for the same thing we do- to win this conflict once and for all. It's our side or theirs now! We can let the Titans crush us, or bring them crashing down!" The Armored Titan had gotten to its feet. It was currently backing up, though still facing the Wall, preparing for a charge- no. A running start. Levi pulled his hood down, looking between the Titan inside the district and those outside it, unable to decide which front needed his attention more. He settled on the closest threat.
"That thing's gonna come up here, Erwin. One of you- gimme your Thunder Spear-"
"No. Soldiers! You are not yet to engage the Armored! Spread out but remain atop the Wall!"
"Yes, sir!" Behind him, Erwin could hear the Wall cracking. The Armored was climbing it, the same way the Female had, but it was slow going. The sun was just beginning to crest over the mountains, making it harder to see across the village. They couldn't have planned things better if they'd tried.
Pulling his hood further down and squinting against the light, Erwin tried to make out exactly what he was looking at behind the Beast. It was a Titan, it had to be, but there was something off about it. He'd seen Abnormals crawl around on all fours before, but they still looked like a human on all fours. As far as he could tell, this one's entire body was contorted so its human proportions looked more in line with a dog, even the spine and- Cargo. It was carrying cargo on its back… meaning it was unlikely it had only just transformed with the rest.
"That quadrupedal one is most likely intelligent as well. Meaning there are at least four we have to deal with. It was probably the one that alerted the others to our movements."
"What's all that shit on its' back?"
"I don't know, and I don't want to find out. Avoid that one at all-" His voice died as the Beast raised one its arms.
Instantly, Erwin was reminded of Lord Reiss' Titan, those similarly spindly arms that looked long enough to brush against the sky. He hadn't seen it grab anything, so what was it going to-? It roared, a sound more bestial than any Titan hence, its cry echoing across the plains of Wall Maria's territory, slamming its fist into the ground. At once, the rows of smaller Titans took off, running towards the Wall full tilt, coming for their horses while the larger ones remained in their semicircle, a wall of flesh and teeth.
"S-sir, the Armored is closing in! Bertholdt must be near-"
"I'm aware." With no way for their prey to retreat, all they had to do was wait. At least some of the cargo that quadruped carried had to be food- they wouldn't have found enough in the abandoned homes after five years to sustain themselves over the last two months. So while they starved, their enemies could simply camp out and wait until they were close to death, then swoop in and take Eren. Maybe they'd even finish what they'd started and break down all the other gates, wiping out this little pocket of humanity while they were at it. If they could at least fall back… He inhaled deeply.
"Oh, good morning, Erwin. I see you just woke up; I was about to make breakfast." He ignored his lieutenant, addressing the other soldiers.
"Marlene's section and Dirk's section, join Klaus' section at the inner gate and guard the horses with your lives. Spread them out as far as the houses will provide cover! Levi's Squad and Hange's section are to take out the Armored. Hange, you have my leave to authorize use of the thunder spears as you see fit. After you kill it, use any remaining thunder spears to try and clear away this rubble; we need to be able to pull back if necessary." He turned to look Hange in the eye. "I want this thing dead, Hange. No experiments, no prisoners- I am ordering you to turn that monster, and the bastard inside of it, into paste." The section commander saluted, their voice cold and hard.
"Understood, sir. Moblit! Boomsticks!"
"R-right away, Section Commander!"
"This is our moment, our chance to strike- the fate of humanity depends on this battle! Lay down your lives; one final time, for humanity's sake- dedicate your hearts!"
"Sir!" He almost missed them slipping away in the flurry of green cloaks.
"Levi, Armin- you two wait. I know I sent your squad off, but you stay here, Levi." Thin, dark brows furrowed in confusion.
"You want me to guard the horses instead of Eren?"
"Eren has over a dozen Scouts with him and can turn into a Titan- I think he can take care of himself this one time. You are to guard the horses and the recruits. And when the chance arises, I want you to kill that… thing, and the son of a bitch inside it." He didn't bother keeping the contempt from his voice as he pointed across the valley to where the Beast Titan was standing. "You're the only person I can trust to accomplish this mission. If we fail today, there won't be another chance." Levi's fists tightened around his ODM grips so hard that Erwin was certain he heard the wood crack slightly.
"Understood, sir. I wasn't good enough to kill the Armored or Female when I had the chance… I'll atone for those failures with the Beast Titan's head." As the lieutenant made his way down to the horses, Erwin turned his attention to Armin, who was still warily eyeing the Armored.
"Armin."
"Sir!"
"I have a plan for the Armored Titan, too. There's only one of me, so I need you to work with Hange to help command the front within the district."
"Of course, sir. I'll do my best."
"Have Eren transform and head back towards the outer gate. If Reiner doesn't give chase, Eren needs to scale the Wall and follow it back into Wall Maria's territory; you and the rest of Levi's squad will go with him while Hange's section is to join us on the other side here to deal with Reiner. If that happens, when Eren scales the Wall again, fire off an acoustic shell- that will be our signal to attack-"
"Wait- we're going to use Eren as bait?" The boy blanched. "I thought we were supposed to keep him safe?"
"We have no choice. Armin, if the Survey Corps falls here, do you honestly believe that Eren will be able to fight off these enemies on his own?"
"N-no…"
"No. He needs our strength as much as we need his powers. As I was saying, avoid combat with the mindless Titans as much as possible. Have him flank them and attempt to initiate combat with the Beast Titan. Even if he can't kill it, he needs to try and immobilize it as much as possible so Levi can finish it off." It was writ on his face that Armin didn't like what he was hearing, but he was smart enough to keep his opinions to himself, nodding.
"Alright sir, I think I've got it. And if Reiner does go after him?"
"That's what the thunder spears are for. While Levi is away, the Special Operations squad is under Hange's command. Has he named an XO yet?"
"N-no, sir." Of course he hadn't.
"Well, it doesn't matter now." The cracking of the Wall crumbling was getting closer. "You have my orders, Arlert; relay them."
"Yes, sir!" As the boy made to head out, Erwin stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. "Commander?"
"I know you trained and lived with this boy, Reiner, for the last three years. I know you probably considered him your friend, and Bertholdt as well… so I am ordering you to find the part of your soul that feels compassion for these two and cut it out of you like the malignant growth it is." His grip tightened as Armin's eyes widened. "I will not tolerate a repeat of what happened with Annie Leonhart, Arlert. These are not your comrades, these are not your friends- these are not good people. These monsters are our enemies, and if you or anyone else in the 104th hesitates to kill them, you'd best let them kill you because there is no place for traitors in our Walls." Deep blue eyes dashed away, staring at the craggy stone-like surface beneath.
"I-I understand, Commander."
"I know you do. You're a smart young man, Armin." This time, he let the boy go, turning his attention back to chaos within Wall Maria. The recruits were leading the horses away from the entrance, but they couldn't go too without being exposed to the Titans.
They all seemed to be Abnormals, only grabbing nearby soldiers when they were right on top of them, charging towards the horses with a single-minded focus. They were, for lack of a better term, following orders. But how? Did that beast Titan also have an ability like Eren's, a scream that could control the will of Titans? If that was the case, then either Eren wasn't as unique as they thought, or else… whoever was inside of that hairy monstrosity was a member of the royal family. Erwin didn't have long to ponder as a massive hand reached along the top of the Wall, pointed claws of a similar consistency to the Female Titan's hardening digging deep into the Wall. He readied his ODM handle, but remained where he was.
If Reiner was smart, he'd take the opportunity to crush Erwin like a bug, but if he were really smart, he would assume that the Commander of the Survey Corps standing out in the open was an obvious trap and avoid it. Given that the boy had graduated second in his class, it was safe to say he wasn't an idiot.
This was the second time he'd been this close to the Armored. He'd barely paid attention to it the first time, only concerned with the small sections on its body not covered by bony plates. Its throat was decently exposed; if they took out its arms, they could just cut through the front of it to pull Reiner out. Hange was probably already considering that as a contingency plan.
Erwin glanced up at him. It must have been a terrifying sight to behold five years ago, something so alien, even for a Titan. He could just imagine this thing charging at full speed through the gate right below them, the terror and dread that would have filled the hearts of the people watching it happen, hopeless, helpless. He imagined the stunned silence on the crowded ferry, Thomasin watching in mute horror as she hugged a little girl who was crying for her mother and father and brother, all of whom were most likely being devoured at that very moment because of these wretched, hateful things masquerading as human children.
The crack of thunder within Shiganshina had to be Eren, given the way the Armored looked back suddenly. No emotion registered on its face, every muscle that could possibly twitch obscured by hardened skin. Turning to face it completely, Erwin pulled down his hood, staring into those milky, fathomless eyes. There was a human inside of it… but there was no soul behind those eyes. Just hate, cruelty, and evil. Eren was already halfway across the district, and was making his way towards the river. With one final glance at the horses, Reiner turned and jumped, dragging his claws along the Wall to slow his descent.
The holes he'd left when he climbed up were nearly as deep as Erwin was tall. Those thick, armored fingers could have reached out and popped his head like a blister. It was so very easy to die, especially now when he didn't have strong allies to fall back on. The soldiers in Wall Maria were struggling against three and four-meters, Titans that would have been child's play for his old Scouts. Mike's squad would have wiped them out by now, and suffered no casualties.
But they were all gone now. Mike and Cecile and Horace…
They were gone, and this was what he was left with; terrified children breaking rank and a handful of soldiers he'd promoted, not because of their skill, but out of necessity. A pathetic band of pathetic soldiers led by a pathetic cripple. And yet, here he was. All those bloody cloaks and burned bones had paved the way to this hallowed ground where answers could finally be found. They were so close…
Tearing his eyes from the fighting below him, Erwin glanced back at the city. Eren and Reiner were brawling- it seemed like Eren might have been getting the upper hand, but that wasn't what he was looking for right now. The Yaeger house was somewhere close to the outer Wall, that was all he knew. One of those crushed piles of rubble held the proof he needed. It looked so close, like he could just reach out and grab it from here…
I thought it would be closer this high up… I'm so stupid…
The memory hit him so hard, it left him feeling breathless. It had been fifteen years, and to this day, he still didn't know what she'd wanted on top of the Wall, what had been so disappointing that it wrenched a sound more sorrowful from her than he'd ever heard again.
I always knew you were selfish, Erwin…
Too selfish to truly dedicate his heart to humanity… too selfish to even ask why she had been crying. He raised his hand to his breast pocket, his fingers reaching in to brush against the patch there.
Mike's gonna be so proud of you, Erwin. I know he is…
'Are you proud, Mike? Are you proud that your corpse paved the way for me to get here? Would you have recommended that Shadis make me a captain even though, if I knew then the things I know now, I'd have abandoned all of you…?'
Everybody likes and respects you now because they don't know you're a heretic…
Dedicate your heart.
Dedicate your heart.
Dedicate your heart.
'I did. I helped humanity. I protected them, and gave them a chance to be happy; is it so wrong that I be happy, too…?' Yes, this was happiness, truly; standing all alone atop this veritable mountain of brave corpses, looking down from his throne of death as more joined the pile. '…why? Why only me? Why did you all die? Why did you have to leave me all alone? Lisa, Mike, Dad…'
There is nothing in the world that hurts so much as being alone…
He'd always been happy in Shiganshina. Happiness was a small, dark room that
held the truth
'smelled like chamomile…'
It was right there; the proof he needed, all he'd ever wanted… As long as he got there and saw it with his own eyes, what did it matter if he died?
Why do you want to die, Erwin? Why aren't you happy…?
What was there for him to be happy about? All the deaths he'd caused? All the blood staining his hands because he was stupid, too stupid to think anything through, to consider how the enemy would think, to consider that his father didn't tell the class for a reason?!
A familiar shriek cut through his tangled thoughts like a hot knife, a roar of pain and desperation. It went on for ages… and then stopped, although the echo carried far and wide before it too faded. There was steam rising from one of the streets, but it was too far away and obscured by too many tall buildings for him to get a clear idea of what was happening. It sounded like Reiner at least, so that was a good sign.
That tightness in Erwin's chest had only just started to loosen when he spotted the Beast Titan grabbing something. Another rock? No, it was one of the things the quadrupedal Titan carried on its back. The Beast backed up a few steps this time, drawing its arm back as far as it could and, with a running start, chucking whatever it held. Either this object was lighter, or it had been thrown with far more force- probably both- because it didn't hit the Wall. It came nowhere near the Wall, flying over Erwin's head so fast he heard it whistling.
A barrel. A massive barrel, like those they stored their yeast in, more than big enough for a person to sit in. When the Colossal fell off the Wall and came crashing down, the heat from the resulting blast nearly killed half of Hange's section. He could still feel the heat Rod Reiss' Titan gave off in his memory. He waited for the blinding light, the deafening crack, a similar heatwave… but none of it came. The barrel finally began falling, plummeting towards the earth. It was too far away for him to see. And then, suddenly, he couldn't see.
Everything went white, and were it not for his muscle memory deploying his hooks, the heat and pressure that swept over him would have sent him hurtling over the side of the Wall. Even with his eyes shut tight and his arm covering them, everything was red rather than black. The air was too hot to breathe. If he opened his mouth, it felt like the heat would rush in and cook him from the inside, so Erwin held his breath, counting the seconds, praying they wouldn't bleed into minutes. Eventually, that scorching wind stopped pushing him back. With the force he'd been leaning into gone, he toppled forward, gasping, trying to fill his lungs.
His ears were ringing, and even though his eyes were open- they felt open- he couldn't see. Blinking and rubbing his eyes barely helped. The blurry shapes were slowly coming somewhat into focus, but it was still hard to see any fine details… yet even with his impaired vision, the sight before him was so large he could see it clear enough. He'd never seen the Colossal in the flesh before, only drawings. And while those drawings were technically accurate, they failed to capture the wrongness of what he was seeing. It looked so human… yet as far from human as one could imagine. If they'd stripped all the skin and fat from Lord Reiss' Titan, this was surely what would have been underneath, this mass of meat that looked like it should bleed, looked like it should hurt, but didn't. How did this thing exist when the very sight of it screamed agony? There was a crater around it; not just the houses but the earth itself simply erased.
"Hange…" that pitiful mewl tore itself from his throat. Had they seen it incoming, had they managed to get out of its range? The houses around the crater were all ablaze, and the Colossal reached down, its movements ponderous. With a swipe of its arm, cinders and ash filled the air… and the flames spread. Something cracked across the plains of Wall Maria's land, a similar cracking to the sound the Walls themselves made.
The Beast Titan held something in its hand and it was winding up, getting ready to throw it yet again. It swung its arm, but Erwin didn't see anything until the rows of houses furthest from the Wall exploded into splinters and chunks of plaster, and a dark red fog filled the early morning air. The quadruped was rolling something along the ground- boulders. The Beast Titan was grabbing chunks of stone the size of a small cottage and crushing them in its hand, hurling what was left at them. A handful a pebbles to it; grapeshot the size of bricks to them, ripping both the Titans and his Scouts limb from limb. The Titans belched foul-smelling steam and regrew their limbs, while his soldiers dripped from the remaining walls and soaked into the earth.
Approaching the edge of the Wall, for one brief but horrible second, Erwin considered just stepping off. A fall from that height would kill him instantly; a much kinder death than whatever fate lay on either side of the Wall. That urge, and the strange thought it brought with it, vanished as quickly as they came, and he deployed his hooks, repelling down as quickly as he could without free falling. Pandemonium reigned at the base of the Wall, several of their horses having pulled free during the chaos and trying to find a means of escape, at least half a dozen cadets curled up on the ground weeping, and just as many weeping while they stood. There was one recruit trying to wrangle as many horses as he could by his lonesome (which was not many), and Levi was attempting the same on the other recruits, lifting a particularly hysterical redhead by his collar.
"I know damn well your legs aren't broken; stand the fuck up!"
"C-commander!" At the sound of the recruit's cry, Levi dropped the boy he was attempting to motivate like a sack of flour, jogging up to Erwin.
"What's the situation?"
"Fucked." Levi's eyes widened, and he couldn't blame him. Erwin usually maintained a staunch sense of professionalism even whilst under the greatest of duress; that was what set him apart from his predecessor, but now… what was the point? There was no reason to lie, no reason to sugarcoat things. "The front line of houses is gone- it decimated them. A few more barrages, and we won't have any cover left."
"What about the other side of the Wall? We can move at least some of that rubble-"
"The Colossal is already heading this way, setting fire to everything in his path. Even if we retreat to the top of the Wall, once the horses are killed, that'll be the end of us."
"What… what happened to Hange's section? Are they alright? My squad-"
"I don't know. It's possible they escaped the blast, but I wouldn't count on it." Despite the horses terrified whinnying and the groaning of collapsing foundations and the groaning of dying soldiers, Erwin didn't bother raising his voice to be heard. It almost sounded like he was talking to himself. Perhaps he was. Maybe that was why all the sobbing recruits fell silent, to better hear this man they called their leader recount the horrors he'd witnessed. "We played right into their hands. The Beast Titan must have been controlling those mindless Titans, using them to lure our soldiers out into the open. Marlene, Dirk and Klaus' sections have all been wiped out. Our remaining forces on this side of the gate consist of you new recruits, the lieutenant, and myself."
It was most likely just coincidence, but it felt like a perverse serendipity that his words were punctuated by another salvo of rocks tearing through yet one more layer of their flimsy defense. The recruits did well to remain calm until that point, and he absolutely did not blame them for promptly losing their shit.
"OH GOD!"
"We're all going to DIE!"
"Mommy…!"
"No, no I don't wanna be here- I wanna go home!"
"So…" Levi drawled, "what now? I'm assuming you have a plan, Erwin? That's why you came here, right? Because if everything went to shit exactly like it's doing now, you'd be able to come up with a plan. That's why you came here instead of staying home with-" The crash came from behind them, the impact so powerful even Levi stumbled. Craning their necks, they saw an arm and a mop of dark brown hair hanging over the side of Wall Maria, exactly where Erwin had been standing only minutes prior. "Is- is that fucking Eren?! Ugh…" Sheathing his blades, Levi reached up, massaging his temples with his fingers, the pain and discomfort on his face making him look far too old and far too young all at once. "If one more stupid thing happens, I'm gonna have a fucking stroke…" Lowering his hands, he looked up at the commander.
"Erwin. I trust your judgment. If there's no chance that we can turn this around, then tell me. We can still cut our losses. Go up there and kick the shit out of Eren until he wakes up. He should be able to carry you and at least some of these kids. You can always recruit new Scouts. As long as you're around, the Survey Corps can still recover." A few meters away, two of the recruits were arguing, the weepy redhead from before arguing with a dark-haired lad that Erwin was pretty sure transferred from the MPs.
"It's our job to guard the horses; why'd you let yours run away!?"
"Who cares what happens to the fucking horses?! No one's gonna be alive to ride them! I thought it made sense… I thought I could make a difference… I thought… I would dedicate my heart to something meaningful… but it's not. It's all so meaningless… We're all gonna die, and it doesn't even matter… we don't even matter… why did I think I'd be different…?" The young man covered his face with his arms, doubling over and wailing.
I wonder if anyone who joins the Survey Corps is happy, or if all those brave Scouts just want someone to acknowledge when they're gone…?
It would have been so easy to just drop off the edge of that Wall- Fingers snapped in front of his nose.
"Oi! Wake up! Listen to me!" Levi was breathing hard despite the fact that he had been standing still for several minutes. "Look, some of the recruits and survivors from Hange's squad if there are any can scatter on the horses all at once to… to try and 'head home'… how does that sound?" The shorter man lowered his voice, as though anyone but Erwin were paying him any mind. "With them acting as bait, you and the others on Eren should be able to escape." Erwin tilted his head, regarding the man before him.
"And where do you figure into this plan of yours, Levi?"
"I'm gonna go after the Beast Titan. I'll draw him away somehow-"
"You'll die before you even get close to him."
"…yeah. Probably. But... if you and Hange and Eren can make it home alive, I'd say my life is a small price to pay. I mean, at this point, it's some of us or all of us, right? And if no one makes it back, everyone behind Wall Rose will just be a prime target for these fuckers. They won't be satisfied with just us- they're gonna finish what they started. I can't let that happen…" Levi scoffed, though it sounded more like a laugh, one devoid of any amusement. "I say that, as if I can actually do anything to stop it. This is all just delusional bullshit. That Forster kid was right; we're all gonna die for nothing."
"Yes… if we had no way to fight back, then you would be right…" The shifting expressions on Levi's face were almost comical for how quickly they cycled through confusion to frustration, to confusion, to realization, only to end up back at confusion.
"Wait… so you… you actually have a plan…?"
"Yes," Erwin whispered, his eyes scanning the area, passively taking in information independent of the tangled, burning web his thoughts had twisted themselves into.
"Wh- you could've mentioned that before! Care to explain why you kept your shitty mouth shut?! You are just taking your sweet-ass time on everything today, Erwin, as if time is not something crucial that we are desperately lacking." Twenty… twenty eight on the left side…
"The plan could go a few ways. Best case, you'll have a decent chance of killing the Beast Titan. But in order to make that opening, we'll have to sacrifice the lives of all of these recruits… and me, right along with them."
Every bombardment came closer and closer, this latest one shearing off a portion of the neighboring roofs. Several of the stones struck the Wall, chipping off pieces of hardened skin, a few even embedding themselves in the craggy surface. The recruits screamed and wailed, throwing themselves onto the ground and covering their heads with their hands. It was a shame they were so young. Erwin wished they could have joined the Survey Corps back in its heyday, when all they had to worry about were mindless animals hunting them for food, not other humans murdering them for sport. If they could have at least seen the horizon, smelled the freshest air they'd ever breathed- known what freedom was, if only for a few hours… but no. The world was cruel, and only grew crueler with time, it seemed. Only a brainless idiot would bring another life into this endless nightmare.
"You had the right of it; we're absolutely going to die, no two ways about it. There is no mitigating loss of life on this front; the only thing we can do is throw ourselves against the enemy and hope our corpses slow it down. For this to work, to convince these children to charge to their deaths, it would take an expert conman and a whole slew of blatant lies, someone who epitomizes the delusion he's selling and can lie so well, he believes it himself. …if I don't lead the vanguard myself, then none of them will have the courage… which means I must be the first to charge… and the first to die." The words came so effortlessly, and yet, speaking them aloud didn't lift some invisible weight from his shoulders. His whole body felt heavy, too heavy, and Erwin trudged over to a stack of crates that, while weathered, were still structurally sound enough to support his weight as he sat on one.
"I just… wanted to reach that basement," he confessed softly, staring down at his hand, at the thick line that ran across the length of his palm, a reminder of a time when even death was simpler. "That's how it's supposed to work; you go on a journey, and you fight and bleed and suffer, and you grow stronger, and at the end… there's supposed to be something. Something that makes it all worthwhile, because if there's not, then all that suffering was for nothing. Every loss was for nothing, every death was for nothing, every stupid mistake was for nothing; I could have put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger and accomplished just as much. What have I done with my life? Convinced children to throw their lives away for a war that can't be won? Gotten all my friends killed? Hurt the person I love the most? All for what? To prove that I was smarter than everyone else? To prove a dead man right? And I can't even do that! It's so close… it's so close, it feels like I can just reach out and grab it! …but it's just not enough… it's never enough…" Erwin clenched his fist, the tears that had pooled in his palm leaking out between his fingers as he quietly wept. "I was stupid… I was so stupid..."
"Erwin…" He wiped his eyes, smearing the wetness across his face. He knew Levi was the only one looking at him- all the recruits were too busy with their own tears to pay any mind to his- but his skin still crawled as though he could feel dozens of eyes on his back. Staring… waiting…
"Do you believe in the afterlife, Levi? That there's some plane of existence where the souls of the dead go, where they can watch us? If there is, I can't imagine they'd be pleased with what they're seeing. 'This is what we gave our lives for? This is what we dedicated our hearts to?' If they're watching, they're not proud… but they probably aren't watching. That's just another childish delusion, isn't it? There's no magical place in the sky. There's only this. You live, you suffer, and when you die, you rot in a hole in the ground…" He sniffled, running his sticky hand through his hair. The tears had finally stopped flowing, his sorrow retreating deeper, into stiller waters. "I should have just stayed home with Thomasin… If we're all going to die anyway, I wish my final moments could have been with her…" Levi, who until this point had been regarding him silent and still as a sentinel, slowly knelt in front of him, taking Erwin's hand in both of his and squeezing. It was difficult to see his face with his head bowed so far forward that his fringe covered most of it.
"You've led us well, Erwin. Fought hard. The only reason we were able to make it this far was because of you. You've done enough for us- you've done more than enough- so now, let me take over." He lifted his head just enough so his steely eyes could meet the swollen, bloodshot blues above him. "I'm ordering you to give up on your dreams and die. I'm ordering you to lead those crying children straight to Hell. Use what's left of your life to distract that monster, and I will tear it limb from limb." For all the sorrow and pain exhausting him, Erwin couldn't help but smile.
"You certainly have a way with words, Levi."
"I learned from the best." Pulling his hand back from his lieutenant's grasp, he took the corner of his cloak and dried his face, breathing deeply and trying to straighten his mussed hair. If he looked the way he felt, the recruits would only lose what little courage might have remained to them. This was it, his final mission. The inevitability he'd always been prepared for in the back of his mind, yet one that never felt like a real possibility until that very moment.
I'll be back by tomorrow…
…no, you won't…
He stopped mid-step, as though he'd just walked into a physical wall.
"…Levi."
"What? What is it?"
"I know I have no right to ask anything of you now, but… if by some miracle you survive this… please… take care of Thomasin for me." Something flashed in those dark gray eyes, but as quickly as it appeared, so too did it vanish.
"…you know I will." That weight inside him didn't feel any lighter, but at the very least he could walk again. "Alright, so what's your plan?" Reaching down, Erwin shut off the valves on his fuel tanks, disconnecting the hoses.
"First, take these. You've been vertically maneuvering for almost twenty minutes- you're probably low on gas. You can take the recruits' blades. They won't need them." Levi reached for the tanks, hesitating for what must have been less than a second but felt like so much longer, before ultimately sliding them out and replacing his own. As his lieutenant set out reconnecting his own hoses, Erwin began the process of unbuckling his ODM gear. It was a shame; all the hard work those engineers and workers put into making it… all for nothing…
"You're going to carry out the plan I originally came up with for Eren. You need to flank the Beast Titan by moving along the outer ring of its thralls." Levi looked up from his gear, squinting at the open plains and shaking his head.
"That's gonna take forever on horseback."
"You won't be on horseback. You need to vertically maneuver. I know in the past I've chided you about using too much gas, but this time, you need to move as quickly as possible."
"Move using what, Erwin? He's standing in the middle of an empty field; I need a tree or house or-"
"-or a row of targets all lined up around him at the perfect height? You don't have to be careful, you don't have to be 'good'- you just have to be quick. We won't be able to distract him for long. Flank him and slaughter that son of a bitch." Checking his valves one final time, Levi stood, though he continued staring at the ground. Slowly, he reached up, patting Erwin's shoulder.
"I know I don't tell you this enough, but… I'm proud of you. Very proud of you." That… came out of nowhere, but it made him happy to hear.
"Thank you. I'm proud of you, too. It's been an honor serving alongside you." A thought struck him suddenly, random and completely out of place but suddenly burning to be answered. It wasn't as if he'd ever have the chance to ask again. "Hey, Levi?"
"What now?"
"…how old are you?" The hand on his arm tightened its grip.
"Thirty six." Bright blue eyes widened, the horror and sorrow forgotten for one blissful moment.
"You're older than me?"
"Yeah." The faintest ghost of a smirk tugged at Levi's lips. "Why do you think I have such little patience for all the stupid shit you do, brat?"
They headed back to where the recruits had huddled together, some using the horses as a final line of defense. They all flinched as another bombardment showered them with debris. Brushing the splinters and plaster from his hair, Erwin squinted through the dust. Almost all the houses were gone. One more salvo- two if they were lucky- and they'd all die right here where they stood. No… he couldn't stomach that. Even if none of his soldiers followed him, Erwin wasn't going to stand here and wait. He wouldn't- he couldn't die like that.
"I'm about to announce our final mission! All troops, line up!" Two dozen tear-stained faces stared up at him, confused, utterly baffled that this walking corpse was still talking to them. "We're going to mount a cavalry charge, rushing the Beast Titan directly. We will begin in a single-column formation, presenting a perfect target for the enemy. We'll wait for it to wind up its pitch, and at the apex of its throw, we fire our signal flares and split into smaller groups. Our aim is to reduce the accuracy of those rocks by whatever extent possible. While we act as a diversion, Lieutenant Levi will flank the Beast Titan and exterminate it." The soldiers stared at him in stunned disbelief, wide eyed and slack jawed. "The longer we stand around doing nothing, the less cover we'll have and the faster those rocks will hit us. Saddle up, Scouts! Double time!"
They remained where they were. One of the young women doubled over, violently spewing her breakfast onto the sand, and a handful of the others stumbled away to follow, the chorus of retching and pained moans quickly joined once more by sobs and brokenly whispered prayers. The redheaded boy who'd earlier argued that there was no point in bothering with the horses opened his mouth, but could only manage a choked sputtering for the first few seconds until he found his voice.
"So… we really are all going to die?"
"That's right," Erwin told him quietly.
"And… you're saying that if we have to die anyway, we might as well go down fighting?"
"That's exactly what I'm saying."
"But wait… if we're going to die anyway, then… then we don't have to listen to you." He looked up, his eyes swollen from crying so much. "W-we could just run away; what would you do? Have us executed for desertion? You're gonna die anyway! So it doesn't matter what we do!"
"…what's your name, recruit?" The boy sniffled, wiping his nose on his sleeve.
"F-Floch. Floch Forster." Erwin nodded.
"You're right, Floch. You've been right about everything so far. I can't make any of you do anything you don't want. We are all going to die today, every last one of us, but if you can think of a more palatable way to go out, then you have my blessing. The Colossal is setting fire to Shiganshina on the other side of the Wall, but if any of you want to go over there and find a basement to either suffocate or starve to death in, you are free to leave. If you can endure the agony of having an ultra-hardened steel blade sever your flesh, then you can slit your throats or stomachs- but do not ask another soldier to take on that burden and do it for you. …if you want to sit here and close your eyes and cover your ears and wait to die because you think your life and subsequent death is meaningless, then by all means do that.
But first, let me ask you… your friends, your parents, everyone you know and love… are their lives also meaningless? Your brave comrades who gave their lives fighting to protect you- were their deaths meaningless? If they had laid down and wanted to die, would you let them because in the end it doesn't matter and we all die one day, be it with a rock to the skull or unknowingly in our sleep? Or would you beg- nay, demand they get up and continue to live, continue to fight, because their lives have meaning to you!? When they are here, they give our lives meaning, and when they are gone, we give their lives meaning through our remembrance! The courageous fallen… the anguished fallen! The only ones who can remember them are we, the living, and so too when we die, will we entrust the meaning of our lives to those we leave behind! But if we let these monsters live… there won't be anyone left behind. They will destroy everything you know and love… and only then, when there is nothing and no one left… that is when there will be no meaning!" Blinking rapidly, he wiped away the wet trail running down his cheek. The recruits remained still and silent for a long moment, until the dark-haired MP transfer raised a shaking hand and attempted a salute that was undercut by the tears streaming past his quivering lips.
"I- I'll ride with you, Commander! We… we have t-to dedicate our hearts to… to humanity…" Erwin stared at him, before shaking his head sadly.
"You can dedicate your heart to 'humanity', if that's really what you care about right now. I'm going to die trying to protect my wife." As he walked over to the horses, slowly, very slowly, more and more pairs of boots scuffing along the dirt fell in tow behind him. Many swore, many prayed, almost all of them were still weeping, but he managed to catch a few voices here and there.
"-gives my mom my things-"
"-I don't want my brother to see that thing-"
"-should've told my girlfriend-"
Pulling himself onto his saddle, Erwin urged his horse forward, rubbing the stallion's neck reassuringly as another barrage of stones tore through most of the houses on their left side. His hand was sweaty, his fingers stiff, making the task of switching out the canister in his gun all the more difficult. He hadn't been this nervous with a gun in hand since his second week in the Training Corps. His aim didn't matter now; he just needed to fire straight ahead at a target the size of a chapel. Inhaling deeply, he sat straighter in his saddle.
"Soldiers! Ready your weapons!" He turned to face them, to face these sniveling children trying their hardest to appear composed. "Do not hold back your tears and curses and screams. Your pain, your anger, your fear does not make you weak- you are strong, every last one of you amongst the bravest men and women I have ever known, and I am honored to have served as your commander. Let your voices be heard, because my soldiers do not buckle or yield when faced with the cruelty of this world! My soldiers push forward! My soldiers scream out! My soldiers RAGE!"
Those cries that rose up behind him as he squeezed his horse behind the dithers and set off at a gallop were not the prideful war cries of soldiers charging at an enemy, but the primal rage of the unfortunate souls unable to do anything but cry out against the cruel, unjust world they'd been born into. The one saving grace of the Beast Titan's repeated volleys was that, in addition to leveling their cover, he'd also reduced all of the Titans Dirk and Klaus and Marlene's squads didn't manage to kill into a steaming red paste. They would reform themselves, but not not fast enough to pose any obstacle to the Scouts riding past their remains. The ground was red and slick, soaked through with blood and gobbets of meat. Every road he trod down was paved with corpses, even that day fifteen years ago when he'd found himself standing all alone in the midst of a graveyard of people better and more deserving of life than him. No- he hadn't been alone then.
I wish you'd just left me to die in that forest…
But he hadn't, because of his own guilt, the only driving factor for why he did anything. The meaning came later, those halcyon days of a simple happiness he'd never let himself be content with. Because it wasn't enough, because nothing was ever enough; no amount of proof, no amount of happiness. It could have all been for something had all those little joys not been "nothing" to him. The scream bubbled up inside him, a mounting pressure his gritted teeth could no longer hold back. In the air, it melded with the screams of his soldiers, but in his ears it grew louder and louder until he couldn't hear anything else, not the galloping hooves or the pounding of his heart or even his own thoughts. There was only that sound and the pain and misery and anger it contained. The Beast Titan drew its arm back, and Erwin raised his own arm, the hammer on the signal gun already drawn back. He saw the extension of the hand-
"FIREEEEE!"
The sky above them vanished, concealed by a blanket of thick green smoke.
"Spread out! Ready the second volley!" They couldn't see; they were riding blind, but they could hear, hear the whistling. It was loud, so much louder than he thought it would be. The green haze suddenly turned red and the pain exploded inside him.
He'd thought nothing could hurt worse than having his arm crushed between massive teeth.
He'd thought nothing could hurt worse than having his nails ripped from his toes one by one.
How how naive he had been then.
His horse went down, and him right along with it, but the forward momentum carried them on, twisting his body, tearing it further open. Erwin couldn't tell where he was or even which way he was looking. There was no up or down- there was only pain, pain ripping him apart from the inside out, pain that climbed up into his lungs and stopped him from breathing.
Was he screaming still? He couldn't tell. He couldn't hear, because there was only pain. Someone was pressing a firebrand into his side, they were burning him alive. He couldn't curl up- it hurt too much to move, and yet he couldn't stop himself from doing so, wrapping his arms around the hurt, even though only one actually reached it. It was hot and wet and 'Oh… Oh god, it hurts… not like this- I don't want to die like this… it hurts so much… help me… help me, please, someone… anyone…' His face was wet, the salt on his lips tears or blood or something else entirely, it didn't matter. The pain did not ease, but as it grew harder to think, to breathe, the fear came on so strong that it almost overtook the agony. He closed his eyes so he wouldn't have to see the darkness consume him.
"…dad… help me…"
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" 'Do you want to see the rest of your dreams? What are you willing to offer?' the devil sweetly whispers as we lay down corpses to make our path…"