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Ch.53- "Everything"

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The Interior MPs had shown up just as the sun was beginning to paint the underside of the clouds a pale gold, while the sky above was still a misty gray. Under the old regime, they probably would have invited, not only the reporters who published what they told them to, but also a crowd of gawking spectators. At the moment, however, the Interior Section had been pulled back into the branch as a whole, having been gutted with just about every leadership position given to new, generally younger soldiers. Corruption was a weed with deep roots, but just as the nobility had been positioned to keep them in conflict with one another so they would not join forces, so too did Premier Zachary believe that approach was necessary for the upper echelons of the military. Erwin couldn't be certain if it was actually working or not, but at the very least the once untouchable Interior MPs were now following orders.

They cleared the streets around the Survey Corps' base of both civilians and the press. The only people there to witness the soldiers being escorted away were other soldiers: Military Police, and the pathetic remnants of the Survey Corps. For as grim-faced as he was, Eren at least had the self respect to not cause a scene. Maybe he was just used to being led around in handcuffs. Despite him being the one who was able to turn into a fifteen-meter Titan at will, most of the officers' attention was on Mikasa, their guns not aimed, but at the ready, fingers positioned just beside their triggers. She knew exactly what was happening and why, but as she was led into a carriage separate from Eren's, her hands still balled into fists, her arms straining enough to pull the chains between them taut.

To any casual observer, Levi would have looked bored watching his squad mates being sent away, but the hands buried deep in his pockets spoke otherwise. The recruits all looked deeply uncomfortable, save Floch, his lips twisted into something caught between a grimace and a smug grin. They had all been informed of what was happening the night prior, and were no more pleased the following morning…

"Jail time? Seriously? Everything we just went through wasn't punishment enough?!" Jean, supposedly, was usually the most level-headed of the group.

"No. Our missions are not 'punishments', no matter how grim the outcome. Soldiers dying, even if one of those soldiers happens to be your 'friend', does not give you leave to do as you please." It was common sense, but emotions had a way of negating sense. Sasha looked as though she were in physical pain as she looked between her fellow recruits from the 104th and the senior officers. Well, the commander and lieutenant- Hange would be going in for surgery first thing in the morning and was currently packing (or, more likely, staring at Moblit's old field notes and rubbing at their bandages).

"We already have so few soldiers; now we're going to send away two of our strongest ones over-" She quickly shut her mouth, but Erwin had a very good idea what she had been about to say and was not content to let that slide.

" 'Over' what, Braus? Over 'nothing'- is that what you meant to say?"

"N-no, sir-"

"Because I don't view attacking an officer and attempting to stop him from saving a soldier's life just because someone personally believes that life intrinsically has less value as 'nothing'. This is not something so simple as talking back. This is assault. This is insubordination in the highest degree, and it will not stand. This is a warning, not just for Eren and Mikasa, not just for you recruits, but for every soldier who thinks about donning the Wings of Freedom in the future; I don't care how strong you are. I don't care how useful you are- you are not above facing consequences for your actions." He turned to face the condemned.

"If this were any other situation, your behavior would net you a dishonorable discharge and a summary execution, respectively. I personally requested lesser sentences for you both, because I understand both the pain of grief as well as the stupidity of youth. Eren, you'll be spending the next month in one of the cells under the Chancellery." His anger, his bitterness had not left him, but had retreated deeper beneath the surface, leaving his face and voice impassive even as his eyes smoldered.

"Yes, sir."

"And as for you, Mikasa, for the next two months, you'll be putting that ungodly strength of yours to good use doing hard labor in one of the settlements up north along with several other prisoners." Every member of the southern 104th gaped at him, their expressions ranging from surprise to incredulity to plain anger.

"Hard labor!?"

"Why is her sentence longer?!"

"Because her crime was more severe. What would you have the punishment for attempting to kill a fellow soldier be, Mr. Kirstein? Mr. Springer? Hmm? A week without desert?She tackled Levi to the ground and had her blade at his throat. She nearly broke Hange's hand when they attempted to restrain her.This was not self defense- this was a child throwing a tantrum that could have resulted in casualties. She should have been executed on the spot. This sentence is above and beyond leniency, and considering that I have it on good authority that the two of you just stood there without even attempting to intervene, I suggest you be grateful that you won't be breaking rocks with her." Surprisingly enough, Mikasa herself wasn't directing a death glare at him. She wasn't looking at him at all, her gaze locked to the ground, her dark eyes wide.

"Up north… I… I'm not going to be with Eren…?" Erwin opened his mouth, but Levi beat him to it, pushing himself away from the table he'd been leaning against and approaching her. Despite the fact that she was several centimeters taller than him, there was something in his presence that gave him a looming aura.

"With all the shit you've been pulling, you'll be lucky if you ever see Eren again. The fact that you're incapable of thinking for yourself is annoying, but it would be fine for a soldier. The fact that you're incapable of thinking about anything but your little boyfriend is a problem. If you wanted to dedicate your life to protecting this brat, then you should've broken his legs and dragged him off to a cabin in the woods where you could spend the rest of your life taking care of him. Or better yet, since you ranked first in your class, you could've joined the MPs so you could abuse your power and have him placed under permanent house arrest; that way, you could hold him hostage in luxury.

But you didn't. You joined the Survey Corps, and made this-" he roughly tapped her head "-into everyone's problem. Fortunately for all of us, this can be fixed. And since I know you'll never willinglyfix it yourself, I'm going to fix it for you. And the first step to that is keeping the two of you as far apart as possible; you have to sever that bond before you can untangle the crazy-"

"NO!" She screamed, her eyes flashing violently. "I won't let you-!"

" 'Let' me?" Levi's voice dropped to a poisonous whisper, and as he took a step forward, Mikasa was wise enough to fall back a step as well. "You think you're strong now, because you got the drop on me after I'd just spent an hour killing several dozen Titans? You think you can take me because you stabbed a few pieces of shit when you were a smaller brat? Little girl, I can break you in half before you even realize what's happening. I could've killed you back in Shiganshina, but I didn't because I felt sorry for you. And I still feel sorry for you. I'm not gonna kill you just because you have a sickness in your blood that makes you do stupid shit… but I'm not gonna let you use that as an excuse, either. So stop being such apussy; going a few days without huffing Eren's farts isn't gonna kill you…"

The hard labor had been Levi's idea from the start; Erwin hadn't been certain that giving someone as strong as cadet Ackerman a chance to further increase her physical strength and endurance was wise, but his lieutenant assured him that having something physical to keep her distracted was going to be a lot better for her than plopping her in a cell and giving her the time to do nothing but stew in her obsession. He assumed Levi understood his own bloodline better than he did, but he still sent a warning to the captain that would be overlooking her sentence to keep armed personnel nearby.

"This feels wrong," Connie muttered mostly to himself as the carriage doors were shut. "They did so much, and this is how they're treated?"

This is how you treat the men who give their lives for you…? Heartless bastard…!

Floch glared at the shorter boy.

"Are their lives worth so much more than anyone elses' that they should be allowed to get away with murder? Or do you all think you should just be allowed to do whatever you want, that you should be able to kill anyone who doesn't fall in line with Eren's little cult, because you're 'veterans'-?"

"That's enough, Floch," Erwin chided him quietly.

"But-!"

"Drop it." He watched the carriages pull out of the courtyard, remembering his own journey to the Chancellery, the gun that hadn't been aimed at him but loaded and ready to fire. A rifle with two barrels, two bullets with his name on them if he made a single incorrect move. All because powerful men felt threatened... "Rather than being offended, you should be grateful, Connie. Grateful that they're being held accountable. Grateful that strength and power does not mean immunity from consequences. Grateful that, at least in the Survey Corps, you will only be punished for offenses you actually committed. So let this teach you well not to commit those offenses."

~o0o~

After the carriages had left and Erwin had seen Hange into theirs, assuring them that he'd be by come afternoon to pick them up, he'd gone… it felt wrong to call it "home" when it was empty, when he didn't even sleep there. It was still technically his house, at least for now. The end of the lease was coming up, and he could always renew it, at least for another month, but… one month, that had been what they'd agreed upon. He'd had one month to prove himself, and he'd… failed. Miserably, and even that was being charitable. Which meant Thomasin probably wanted to discuss… but probably not now. Not while she was still unwell (or maybe now was exactly the time to discuss it, while she was already in a hospital).

He pushed those thoughts from his mind as he went around the house, cleaning up the things he should have cleaned the day before. As he feared, the bedroom was practically swarming with ants, and they bit his hand as he brought the sticky cup they'd claimed to the sink, washing them down the drain with several rough pumps of water. Feeding the chickens and assuring them their… owner? That felt too impersonal, and yet he felt silly calling Thomasin their "mother". Well, regardless of what the birds thought of her as, he assured them she would be back soon to relieve them of the burden of his inadequate feedings before returning indoors to go through the closest.

His clothes hung on one side, hers on the other. Even between the two of them, there wasn't much- considering they both wore uniforms for work, it was understandable, but still… Thomasin deserved more than this. For as much as he loved the simple, understated dresses and skirts and blouses he had come to memorize over the years, she deserved nicer things. Nile probably bought Marie all manner of beautiful dresses in the styles that were currently in vogue within Wall Sina. He probably bought dresses for his daughters, too; he loved to dote on them (last month, he'd told Erwin that he'd considered buying them a puppy, but Marie put her foot down and informed him that any poop found in the house would shortly be found in his shoes).

Children… did need clothes, didn't they? He hadn't even considered that, not since Thomasin had dropped a box of soft, tiny shoes on his desk, not a gift, not a surprise, but a grim announcement: Look. Look what you did; look what you did to me… He'd closed the box and put it somewhere in the back of his closet, out of sight, out of mind… He forced himself to start breathing again before he grew even more lightheaded, sucking in deep, heavy gasps of air that hurt his chest.

He didn't know fashion- he didn't even know what clothes Thomasin preferred to wear, so he just grabbed things that looked comfortable, practical. Something with buttons and long sleeves. A skirt so she could put on and remove her prosthesis easier. There was something about seeing a row of only right shoes that made his chest feel even tighter. When he'd first lost his arm, everything felt both unreal and all too real, all at once. Every other minute during that first week it had felt like anger and grief and helplessness were just waiting for the chance to surge and overwhelm him, and he'd had two people, both stronger than he could ever be, there beside him to keep those surges at bay… She'd had nothing. No one.

…I was completely alone in the world…

Only me! Only ever me, just like always…!

…there is nothing in the world that hurts so much as being alone…

I wish you'd just left me to die in that forest…

Inhale, and let it out. If he didn't remind himself to breathe, he'd stop, and even Titan Shifters probably died if they went long enough without breathing (Hange would probably want to test that theory). Erwin couldn't die now, even though he'd finally accomplished his dream, the only "something" he'd ever cared about. He had to rebuild the Survey Corps from the ground up.Again.He had to go through the journals still untouched on his desk. He had to bring Thomasin a change of clothes and her prosthesis so she could start walking again and feel better sooner.

It was nearly noon by the time he got to the hospital in Ehrmich. The trip due north would have been faster on horseback, but they had no more horses. That was another thing he had to do- contact breeders, calculate the total cost for… was there even any point in getting a full stable? It would be a year minimum before any cadets would be ready to graduate, and if they scraped the barrel any more for transfers from the other branches, they'd be clawing at the dirt beneath the barrel. They didn't even have a round number…

No, this wasn't the time to think about horses and soldiers and all the death certificates and condolence letters he still hadn't started on. A few minutes of his mind focused entirely on Thomasin- didn't she deserve that much? 'You're incapable of such a feat, you would never- she knows that. That's why she addressed that letter to Levi… a letter that short… a note…' The nurse at the reception desk gave him a knowing smile as he approached, her gaze going to the bag he carried.

"Gifts, Commander?" He shook his head.

"A change of clothes. And her prosthetic leg."

"I'm certain she'll appreciate that. She's been doing much better since last night. Dr. Jessep is currently seeing other patients, but he should be done in about twenty or thirty minutes; I'll tell him that you're here so he can speak with you and your wife together."

"I would appreciate that. Thank you."

The halls and stairwell were all but deserted as he made his way to a now familiar room, the only people he passed being the nurses currently mopping the floor. He knew doctors had rounds (even if he didn't know what they did during those rounds), but they probably also had lunch and saw individual patients without a group of students crowding the room. Erwin wondered, first, if nurses also had rounds and if they trained new nurses that way, and second, why he had never asked Thomasin about that before. Why he'd never asked about any aspect of her job. Of her past. Of her life. 'Why were you crying that day on top of Wall Maria…?'

The answer was simple (whether or not it was sincere was another question). He'd never asked before because going too in depth was odd for people who were "just friends". He hadn't wanted to cross any unseen boundaries or make her uncomfortable or give her any reason to push him away… but now, now that they were more than friends, wanting to know every single detail of her life, no matter how mundane, was understandable. It was the kind of thing that would be encouraged, surely.

Erwin knocked on the door of room 214 and got no reply. He hadn't been listening for an invitation, but figured if a nurse was seeing to her, they would tell him to leave. The silence was encouraging, and he peeked into the room. He was expecting Thomasin to be asleep, perhaps simply because that had been her default state every other time he came to visit, but this time she was wide awake. She must have heard the knock, but she was facing the window, not resting calmly but moving, at least as much as she could whilst still abed.

The way she moved her arms was exactly the same way she'd shown him to do when he'd been recovering, reminding him constantly that every movement, no matter how small, was important when one hadn't moved for days. Six days, and he had barely been able to lift his arm. Just over a week, and he couldn't even stand on his own. What had her mother, completely paralyzed from the neck down, looked like by the time she finally stopped breathing? Nightmares of Titans, Thomasin had told him, completely brushing off the tears that only made themselves known as she slept. How many of those nightmares had her watching the only person who ever loved her wasting away in spite of all her efforts to help? How many times had she thought about her mother as she wasted her time and love nursing him back to health…?

Even as he closed the door behind him, she didn't turn to face him, did not say a word, only continued stretching, flexing, clawing back every ounce of strength she had lost in the past four days. Erwin stepped closer, and for a moment, he was afraid she would begin another fit, but her breathing remained slow and even, if not still a bit rough, so he spoke.

"Thomasin-"

"Why are you here?" …well, he tried to speak.

"To visit you." Obviously. "You weren't feeling well yesterday, so I couldn't stay very long, but you look better today. I'm glad. Oh." He held up the bag. "I brought you some clothes- I figured you'd feel more comfortable wearing your own things. And your leg." She continued staring out the window, the exercises she had been performing winding down.

"But why are you here? What do you want?" Her voice was a hoarse whisper, as if it hurt to speak, but that wasn't what made it so uncomfortable to listen to. It was her cadence, her intonation. It was… familiar. An old, almost forgotten familiarity that made his stomach drop to his feet.

"I want to see you. Is that really so unusual?" Erwin forced himself to smile, to ignore the creeping sense of guilt slowly leeching the warmth from him. Thomasin stopped pushing for an explanation, so perhaps that had been the right answer. But she still didn't look at him, still staring out the open window. Most of the morning had been overcast, but the clouds had broken up enough that the sky was visible in places, patches of bright blue against the gray and white.

"I heard your mission was a success. You sealed the gates and took care of both Titans."

"Yes." They still hadn't publicly announced what exactly became of the Colossal. He still had a few more days before that shitstorm was unleashed upon the world… "There is still a war to be fought- there are still enemies beyond the Walls, but this battle has been won." He expected her to confront him about his claim that he would retire, and then he would have to explain that there were extenuating circumstances tying him to his post, circumstances he couldn't tell her about, not yet… But she didn't. He wished she had.

"Did you go to Dr. Yeager's basement?"

"Yes."

"…and? Did you find it?"

" 'It'?"

"Your proof."

Humanity… has not perished…

"We did."

And being the first one to see that proof is this important to you…? More important than your wife? More important than that brat you put in her belly…?

It felt so much less important now… it felt so meaningless, so insignificant…

"I'm so sorry, Thomasin…"

"Why?" He took a step closer, setting the bag down and leaning the heavy wooden contraption against her bed. Any time before and he would have reached out and taken her hand without hesitation, but now, his gaze wandered up beyond her fingers, to the dark lines marring her arm. There were less of them on the right arm than the left, but there were still so many… His hand remained where it was at his side.

"Because I… I left you behind, when you needed me the most… even after I said I wouldn't." She inhaled deeply, letting her breath out slowly, the faintest gurgling still audible if he strained to hear it.

"…okay." She turned her head slightly to face him, staring him dead in the eye. "I don't forgive you." Erwin didn't realize his mouth had fallen open until he felt the cool air drying out his already tight throat. He blinked hard- several times- trying to clear his thoughts before they began racing in earnest.

"You- Thomasin, I know that I messed up-"

"Yes."

"But I'm here now- I came back early, even. Four days ago. As soon as I set foot back in Trost, I went off to see you; I didn't even debrief Premier Zachary-"

"And?" For as hoarse as her voice was, it sounded strong- stronger than his. "You only did that because you already got what you wanted. Who gives a fuck what you do now?"

"…Thomasin, I had to-"

"No." She did not raise her voice, she did not change her tone- no, that wasn't entirely true. Her tone had changed, from the moment she first began speaking. That warm, sweet, kindly voice that he had grown so accustomed to, fallen so deeply in love with, had vanished, and in its place there was an almost monotonous apathy that he hadn't heard in nearly two decades, that he had hoped and prayed and wished that he would never hear again. "You don't have to do anything, Erwin. Ever. No one does. You always have a choice… and you made your choice. You chose to go look for something to prove your dead father right. That's it. Nothing you say or do now matters, because you've already proven where your priorities lie, and they aren't with me. They never have been, they never will be… and I was stupid for ever thinking that would change…"

"It did change, though!" He reached out to cup her cheek, and she leaned away from him, as far as she could without risking falling off the bed. "I… I almost died in Shiganshina, Thomasin, and I thought of you the entire time. How much I regretted leaving you… how much I wished I could just spend one more moment with you…" She did not did not so much as bat an eyelid, the only sign of life the slight rise and fall of her chest.

"…you had a chance to spend time with me, as many moments as you wanted… and you chose to go off and die instead. You would have rather died than stay with me… and you only regretted your choice when it came time to pony up and actually die. The coward clawing his way into the Interior…"

If you want to die rather than accept my help…

"Thomasin-"

Leave, and never come back. Don't visit me, don't write to me- don't think of me...

"Go away, Erwin. I don't want to see you. I don't want to hear your voice. I don't want to remember that you exist."

If you want to die…

"Just go back to that basement in Shiganshina and die there."

…then die far away from me…

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Grisha Yaeger's handwriting was immaculate, something of a rarity from what Erwin knew of most doctors. A small blessing, given that almost every centimeter of every page had been filled, front and back, with scribbles in what precious few margins remained as well- and if letters began bleeding into one another, the entire thing would easily be rendered indecipherable. The world beyond the Walls was divided into landmasses called "continents" that were further divided into countries and nations based on racial and religious groups…

The good doctor had dedicated the final page of the first journal to a crudely drawn map with major countries labeled, but the only two that mattered in the immediate future were his homeland, and the place he had come to. Marley and Paradis. Years, maybe days or even just a few hours ago, Erwin would have been downright giddy to learn that people beyond the Walls not only knew they existed, but had their own name for the land they inhabited (to the people living within the Walls for the last century, while their districts and cities and villages had names, there had never been a need or desire to name the tiny corner of the world they inhabited. It was "the Walls". Perhaps they too had called this land "Paradis" once, but the 149th king took that knowledge away from them just as he took everything else).

But now, his eyes scanned the pages and took in words describing flying machines and little girls being eaten alive by dogs with the same weary apathy. He didn't even look up when he heard the knock, simply bade whoever it was enter.

"Finally cracking open those journals, huh? I'm surprised it's taken you this long; I was half expecting to find you sleeping with them at some point."

"We lost ninety one soldiers for this information. It needs to be cataloged and shown to the Premier."

"…that's it? You aren't gonna… compile all the evidence of how right you've always been into, like, a thesis and publish it in all the newspapers as a giant 'fuck you' to everyone who said you were crazy as a kid?" Erwin sighed quietly as he turned a page.

"What do you want, Levi?" Silence. He knew his lieutenant was still there, but didn't bother looking up from the page, reading about how a young Grisha mistook his father's attempts to placate the corrupt government officials that had already murdered one child as cowardice. There was clearly something about the way little boys' minds worked that left them incapable of understanding that the world extended beyond their own pride…

Chair legs scraped loudly across the floor, touching down in front of his desk with a dull clatter. A pale hand covered the page he was reading, fingers splayed out to ensure as much of the writing as possible was covered. Erwin flipped to the next page, only to have the entire journal closed and pulled away from him.

"See, I thought something was wrong as soon as you walked back in, but now I know something is wrong. There is no way in hell you would let someone rub their grubby hands on your beloved 'proof' otherwise."

"You wash your hands more than anyone I know, Levi." Sometimes to the point where the skin was visibly raw and sore, especially after battles.

"Yeah- what if my hands were still wet and I smudged the ink?"

"Water dries, and water damage was something we might have had to contend with from the beginning." Levi set the journal atop the others and sat in the chair he had dragged to the desk. The boredom, the annoyance, the stoicism… all of his usual expressions had fallen away, replaced with open, deeply sincere concern, something Erwin had never seen in all the years he'd known the man.

"What happened?" He glanced up at the worried gray eyes staring at him. It was so hard to believe this man was older than him when, in this moment, he looked so young, so vulnerable. Blue eyes dropped back to the mahogany desk.

"…since I was eight years old, I vowed to dedicate my life to proving the truth, that there were humans still living beyond the Walls. That's what my father told me, and because I couldn't keep my mouth shut, the government killed him for believing that… so I knew it was true. For twenty five years, this was the only thing in the world that mattered to me… Every loss, every death, every sacrifice would be worth it for this; that's what I told myself… And now, I have it. Everything I ever wanted, right in front of me… and it cost me everything I ever had."

"The- Thomasin, she's…?"

"She's fine… maybe. She's alive. I went to see her today. The hospital staff told her that our mission was a success… and she told me to go back to Shiganshina and die there." His fingers curled into a fist, his nails digging into the meat of his palm. "I don't know why I thought everything would go back to normal after what I said, what I did… I don't know why I thought achieving this dream would make anything better…"

The silence that filled the room as he trailed off felt unnatural. However faint and muted it was, there was usually ambient noise in the base, people walking around, talking… signs of life. But now, with so few soldiers spread so far apart, the base felt just as empty as that basement… Levi crossed his arms over his chest, drumming his fingers on his forearm.

"That's what life is, isn't it? A bunch of stupid little goals- dreams- we set for ourselves to keep us going… Something as big as seeing the ocean or proving that we're not alone in the world… or something as small as making it through one more day. Before he died, Kenny said to me… 'everyone is a slave to something'…" Gray eyes narrowed as thin lips twisted in disgust. " 'course, Kenny was an alcoholic deadbeat serial killer, so what the fuck does he think he knows about the human condition? He was a selfish, narcissistic piece of shit who surrounded himself with other selfish, narcissistic pieces of shit; of course he would think the worst of everyone around him. If I'd grown up to be like him, I'd probably think the same… but I didn't. Because I surrounded myself with good people- stupid people, some of the dumbest motherfuckers you can imagine, but good, better than me. …dreams don't fix shit, Erwin. That's not what they're for. I always dreamed of being able to live on the surface, with Isabel and Furlan… and that dream came true, at least for a little while… and it cost me both of the people I loved more than anything in this world. So you know what I did that day?" The scars on Erwin's neck and hand itched even as he shook his head.

"I found another dream. To wipe every fucking Titan off the face of the earth so no one would ever have to feel the pain I felt. And it seems like that dream might be closer to coming true than I ever thought possible… so you know what I'm gonna do next? Find another dream. First and foremost, I wanna find that blonde fucker who controls the Beast Titan and spend a couple days removing his entire nervous system. And when he's done, I'll deal with whoever sent him. And when that's done? Well, who knows. Maybe I'll open a tea shop, teach these idiots what a decently brewed cup tastes like… but you know what I'm not gonna do?" Erwin shook his head again. "Give up. Act like achieving one thing is all there is in my life. And you aren't either. I didn't save your shitty life for you to start having an existential crisis."

"Why did you save my life?" Erwin asked quietly. "Because humanity needs me? Or because I'm the only person in the Survey Corps who can deal with all the paper work?"

"Yes and yes… and no. …I made a promise. I have to keep it." Inhaling deeply, Levi got to his feet. "The gimp is mad at you, and she has every right to be. She didn't mean what she said."

"What makes you so sure?"

"…give her a few days to cool off." Dragging the chair back to its original place against the wall, Levi headed for the door. "Hange should be out of surgery- I'm gonna go pick up them up. You stay here and read your stupid journals. And when this dream is done, think about what your next dream will be." It wasn't until the door closed back that Erwin lifted his head, staring at it. Next dream… he'd already had that planned out, hadn't he? Retiring, building a little cottage by a lake where he and Thomasin could live together and maybe start a family…

…go back to that basement in Shiganshina and die there…

Pulling the first journal back down, he picked up where he left off. He generally read rather fast, but this particular book found his eyes backtracking and his thoughts wandering unusually often. Dr. Yeager had been married before coming to Paradis to someone claiming to be a member of the royal family from within the Walls, even fathering a son before Eren… A family that was nothing more than a stepping stone for his actual dream, the restoration of the people born of the Mother of Mothers and Father of All, the "Children of Ymir".

His son betrayed him, Grisha wrote. "Betrayed", implying he was owed the love and loyalty of someone he himself admitted he only viewed as a tool, someone to be used when he needed them and then left to die when his dream came true… Erwin stopped reading long before his office grew dark, closing the journal and pushing it away to protect the information within from the tears dripping off his chin. Water evaporated, but salt ate through everything it touched.

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A/N- Musical Bear- Re, "He puts his life into boxes and rarely observes where they overlap! He's an idiot!" Lol, I'm so glad you mentioned that, because all the way back in chapter 9: "So you're one of those crazy people who compartmentalizes their life?" "I wouldn't call myself 'crazy', but yes." Erwin knows he's doing it- he just can't stop. He never learned a healthy way to cope with trauma, and considering that his life is basically rapid-fire trauma, mentally segregating all the different aspects of his life is the only semblance of control he really has. The thing that makes him such a good commander (being able to tune out everything that's not explicitly related to the matter at hand and thus being able to make difficult decisions) is the very thing that makes him kind of a shitty husband. But I have hope that, going forward, he can extend that "selfishness" to Thomasin~

Erwin is like a character from "30 Rock"- someone you wouldn't want to come within 20 feet of IRL from fear of them infecting you with their disfunction, but an absolute joy of a trainwreck to observe from a distance. Seriously, tell me you can't see him cramming an entire sandwich into his mouth at the airport baggage check rather than leave it behind to run after Thomasin ("I can do it! I can have it all!" "God, man- you're eating foil!"). After my first reading of AoT, I came to a conclusion regarding him: this man specc'd entirely into Luck and Charisma, with his one remaining skill point going into Intelligence (not Wisdom- never let this man's intelligence blind you to the fact that he is so fucking stupid, both in Reasons and in canon) and his single brain cell bounces around his skull like a Windows 98 screensaver and whenever it hits a corner, he comes up with a brilliant plan. He's terrible, I love him. Also, I'm not saying that Erwin and Thomasin are any kind of #RelationshipGoals, but considering this is only their second big blowout in almost 20 years of knowing each other, that's kind of incredible. (also also, regarding Thomasin's "am I in hell?" line in the last chapter, it's less that seeing Erwin is the worst thing imaginable and more the fact that she 1000% expected him to die on the expedition, so seeing him would serve as proof that she is dead and in the afterlife and… let's be frank, Erwin would go to hell. He outright acknowledges it in the manga, and Thomasin is not blind to the fact that his job is literally just sending people (often children) to die in a war that can't be won).