000000000

Ch.58- "Entropy"

000000000

Eventually, Thomasin's tears slowed and soon after ceased, and she quietly asked Erwin to leave so she could finish bathing in peace. He stood without complaint, simply asking that she call for him when she was ready to get out, closing the bathroom door to allow her a bit of privacy as he stripped off his thoroughly wet clothes. He rifled through his drawers for something clean and dry- not for him, there was little point when he'd inevitably end up soaked again, but for her. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he let himself fall back onto the mattress, staring up at the ceiling.

You don't smoke…

It never occurred to him that cigars and cigarettes could leave marks like that… It never occurred to him that the burning end of a piece of paper could ever make contact with a person's skin. The things he didn't know could fill several encyclopedias, and he had no way of easily combating his ignorance. He'd read hundreds of books throughout his life, and not once had he stumbled upon a sentence of a person hurting themselves. He'd spoken to hundreds of people, and never met a single one who'd wanted anything but to continue living for as long as possible… At that moment, he would have gladly traded all his knowledge about Marley and flying machines and the world beyond the Walls just to have some idea of what to do in this situation. It was difficult to parse how much time had passed, save that the sun must have risen fairly high given the amount of light being diffused by the curtains.

Thomasin called him back to the bathroom, and he pulled her up to stand, quickly wrapping her in a large towel before lifting her onto his back. As he set her on the bed, she pulled the towel tighter around herself and laid down, paying the clothes beside her no mind. Hesitating for a brief moment, Erwin climbed up beside her, laying on his side to face her. She had removed the gloves at one point- he could see where the laces were wet- but put them back on before he could see her arms.

"It's burning you up, isn't it?" she asked quietly.

"What?"

"The questions. There's never been a question you haven't wanted to know the answer to… Right now, I bet it's taking all of your willpower just to keep your mouth shut." Erwin gave her a wry grin.

"Am I that obvious? You don't have to worry; I won't ask you anything. Gerald Aleister tortured me for the better part of a week without getting a single answer from me- I think I can keep my thoughts to myself of my own volition… and if I can't, please feel free to just ignore me." Shifting, he stretched his hand out but did not touch her, letting it rest on the sheet between them, the scar on his palm barely visible in the low light.

"I want to know about you. I want to know why you hurt, I want to know what I can do to help you… but if you don't want to tell me, then I suppose I just have to accept that. I don't know why you won't- I don't know what I've done or said to make you believe that you can't trust me, but I'm sure it was something and I've just overlooked it like I've overlooked everything else…" She said nothing, her gaze shifting from his face to his hand. With her eyes half-lidded, she looked as though she were dozing off, and her voice caught him by surprise.

"…I killed a man."

"I know." Several men, in fact, but she shook her head.

"No, before that, well before that. Right before the culling. The one who did that." She tapped her back, quickly pulling her hand back into the towel. "Some Garrison lieutenant whose name I refuse to remember. We had… an arrangement… and in the end, he didn't hold up his end of the bargain, so I took what he owed me."

"…ODM gear?" Erwin posited carefully.

"Mm hmm. I'd rather be put down like a dog than eaten by a Titan, but they weren't gonna waste bullets on someone who was already marked for death. It wasn't like he couldn't go into storage and get me some spare ODM gear- he just didn't want to. It was all about control…" There was something so dispassionate about her voice, the complete inverse of how she'd sounded the last time she spoke about what happened up north. She had lain on his bed much like this, covering her face as she tried to explain something to him through her tears, something he was too stupid, too naive to understand… The question was on his tongue before the thought even fully formed in his mind.

"Did he… force himself on you?" Thomasin lifted her head slightly, her brows furrowed as she looked at him.

"…no. I let him do what he wanted to me in exchange for extra rations."

"And those burns, was that-?"

"People get off on all kinds of shit, you wouldn't believe… I would've been content to just starve to death, but Hannah was always hungry… what was I supposed to do- let a little girl starve?" She lowered her head once more, her fingers toying with the edge of the towel, her movements growing more agitated even as her voice remained apathetic. "That's what pissed me off so much. He always kept his word. I did what he wanted, no matter how disgusting and degrading it was, and he gave me what he promised. Even the elm- that shit's not cheap, even now… but the ODM gear… I guess it would've resulted in too much paperwork." Their first time together, her first time with someone she "liked", possibly the first time that wasn't a life or death transaction…

I tried so hard… I did so much… and it was all for nothing…

He shifted slightly closer to her.

"If he had to die for you to live, then I'm glad he did. Even if he didn't, I'm still glad he's dead. Monsters like that are worse than the Titans."

"Isn't the guy who tortured you still alive?"

"He's in the Premier's custody- he probably prays for death every day, and I will do everything in my power to ensure it never comes for him." He forced the bitterness from his voice. "Thank you, Thomasin."

"For what?"

"For telling me that. I'm sorry you had to relive those experiences-"

"It doesn't bother me," she said, scratching and picking at her gloves. "My mom did the same thing to earn extra money to take care of me. It's just a reminder of why I don't want kids." Turning his hand, Erwin laid it over her fingers, trying to stop her before she scratched through the leather and started clawing at the skin beneath.

"Right. I think it might be too late today, but first thing tomorrow morning, I can head into Mitras and look for a… surgeon? Midwife? I don't know who-" Thomasin shook her head, looking pained.

"No. That's not gonna work. This hellspawn of yours has made it clear that it's not going down without taking me with it." Erwin stared at her, wide eyed, choking on his confusion.

"Wh- what- I-"

"I never should've had sex with you," Thomasin whispered, more to herself than to him, her eyes shut tight. "I should've bought a chastity belt. I was holding onto a little glimmer of hope that I might be barren, but that would just be too good for me…"

"Wait- hellspawn? You- you already-" Pulling his hand away just long enough to rub his eyes, he sat up, turning to face her completely. "No. Everything else- you can keep your secrets, but we have to talk about this."

"There's nothing to talk about." Thomasin rolled over onto her back, clutching the towel over her breasts as she stared up at the ceiling, a muted horror in her eyes. "There's nothing to do. I've already tried everything. Tansy, feverfew, wild ginger- the fucking laudanum did nothing. The midwife that saw me in Ehrmich said everything seems fine; that shit could've killed a grown man, but then again, it did nothing to me… The only other thing that I know works is slippery elm, but…" she trailed off, frantically shaking her head. Erwin reached out, his fingers trembling slightly as he wondered whether or not he should, ultimately setting his hand atop her head and gently stroking her hair.

"But… that's just medicine, right? There are procedures, surely-" She shook her head even harder.

"No." Her voice was tight, her hands moving incessantly beneath the towel. "That's just the elm but with extra steps. I don't trust doctors- I've seen too many of them not wash their hands."

"Surely the doctors in Mitras are better trained-"

"It's not about training- it's about assholes who think they can do no wrong. The doctors in Calaneth went to the same medical schools as most of the ones practicing in Wall Sina and the Interior." The towel slipped a bit and he could see her scratching at her arm as her breaths began coming in ragged gasps. "You know there are women in the Garrison- I've assisted with a few procedures. When they want to finish up quick, they'll take any shortcut they feel like-"

"Thomasin-"

"You can't tell them they're wrong; you're just a stupid, know-nothing nurse-"

"Thomasin, calm down." His hand was large enough that he could clasp both of hers in his palm, just barely. Wide brown eyes darted over to him, and in the dim light, he couldn't tell if the sheen gleaming in them was the result of unshed tears, or simple terror. "Breathe. Just breathe. Inhale-" he sucked in a deep breath, waiting for her to do the same, relieved that she followed suit. "And let it out." He continued walking her through her breaths the way Hange had done for him. Her hands continued shaking even as her gasps evened out. "Feeling better?" She shook her head. "Not even a little?"

"That deep breathing shit doesn't work for me. I need to use the bathroom- I think I'm going to be sick." She sat up quickly and the towel came loose, but she paid her nudity no mind as she slid off the bed. She'd already reached the bathroom door by the time Erwin set a single foot on the floor.

"Do you need-"

"NO!" She slammed the door so hard that it rattled. The wood muffled the sound of water running in the sink and gagging. And when the gagging stopped, the water continued running. It continued for quite some time, even once he stood and made his way to the door, his hand resting against the wood but avoiding the knob.

"Thomasin-"

"Don't come in! I'm fine!" She snapped. The water stopped, and he could feel the slight vibrations as she hopped to the door, yanking it open. Water dripped from her face, and the left glove sagged loosely around her elbow, the laces undone. Thomasin pushed him aside, making her way back over to the bed and wrapping the towel back around herself. Despite the annoyance on her face, she appeared… calmer.

"…are you alright?" he asked slowly, and she responded plainly.

"No." Well, that was… blunt. Erwin carefully sat beside her, leaving a fair bit of space between them.

"Thomasin… I know things seem bad- they are bad. I know this isn't what we planned or wanted, but… is that really so terrible? If our plans had panned out, both of us would have been dead a dozen times over- and I know, I know that's what you wanted, but… is it really? Can you look me in the eye and truly say that, in all the time we've spent together, you weren't even the slightest bit happy?" She turned her head toward him, dark brown eyes meeting pale blue, her lips a thin, angry line.

"You don't understand- you can't understand. I'm not discussing this with you."

"You don't have to 'discuss' anything; I'm asking you a yes or no question, it requires a yes or no answer. Were you ever happy with me, even for a moment?"

"Yes."

"Were you ever happy without me, even for a moment?"

"Yes!"

"Then why can't you entertain the notion that we can get past this and continue to have happy moments-?" She reached up, her fingers tangling in her hair and pulling at her scalp as her breathing grew labored again.

"It's like talking to a horse; it literally doesn't understand the language I'm speaking…" she whispered brokenly to herself before turning back to face him. "Erwin. Are you stupid? Do you think I don't want that? Do you think I enjoy living like this, thinking like this? Do you think I make a conscious choice to be like this?! It's a curse… the Children of Ymir are cursed to turn into Titans, and I'm cursed with a voice in my head that tells me I should just fucking die! It's the same as my mom- she fought it as long as she could, but she was so tired and sad all the time, and she just couldn't fight it anymore, and-" She blinked, two large tears dripping onto her chest.

"It's going to be the same for me… I don't wanna pass that onto a child. I don't want any child, especially my own, to see me kill myself and spend the rest of their life thinking it was their fault, and then end up with that same voice in their head telling them they should do the same. I wanted this to end with me…"

Erwin carefully disentangled her fingers from her curls, moving closer until he could pull her body against his, her skin cooled from the evaporating water (or else, his was just hot from his Titan blood). He wondered if that was why she found it easier to talk about such things with Levi, because he too had something in his blood that compelled him to do things he didn't want to. Maybe that wasn't it- maybe Levi just knew what it felt like to be miserable and to want to die, but regardless, Thomasin had been right. He didn't understand. He couldn't, and perhaps it was cruel of him, but he was grateful for that fact.

"My poor little bird…" he whispered into her hair. "Why didn't you tell me this before? I could have done something, anything to help you-"

"No, you wouldn't. You wouldn't do anything!" She wasn't sobbing, but her voice was thick with tears. He could feel them splashing on his collarbone. "I just wanted you to stay with me, just for a little while… It's not so loud when you're around- sometimes, it even stops completely- but you left…"

"Because I didn't know!" he reminded her desperately. "I didn't know you were unwell; I thought you were trying to make me feel guilty and manipulate me-"

"And you wouldn't have thought that way if I'd told you all this before?" He stiffened, falling silent immediately. Thomasin shifted, her voice little more than a pained, mournful whisper. "If, at any point in the last fifteen years, I prostrated myself before you and cried and screamed and begged you to leave the Survey Corps and stay with me because being around you was the only thing that made me want to die less… would you honestly, sworn on Mike's and your father's memory… not just call me an attention-seeking lunatic?"

He wanted to say "no". He wanted to lie and pretend that he was selfless and good and loved her enough to put her first… but that had never been the case. He wouldn't have called her an attention-seeking lunatic anymore than he would have called her an ignorant swine; other people, perhaps, but not her. She was one of the good ones.He simply would have brushed her off like he always had, maybe gotten angry, maybe tried to placate her with noble-sounding excuses and lies… but he never, not until all of eight days ago, would have put her before the Survey Corps, before his selfish dreams and desires. His silence was all the answer she needed, and she pulled away from him, curling into herself, a tight little ball of misery.

"You see? You dare question me when I know you better than you know yourself."

"…if you know me so well, then you must know that I am never content in my ignorance. You must know that as I learn, so too do I change… but I cannot change if I do not know that I need to." He laid his hand over her bare knee. "If I had known then what I know now, I would have had far more time to learn how to not be such a self-centered little shit. I cannot say that I would have left the Survey Corps the moment you asked me… but eventually, I would realize that, given the choice between the life of the living and the memory of the dead, there's only one option that would allow me to sleep at night. Unfortunately, what's past is past and I cannot change that- I can only attempt to do better moving forward." She moved her hands back to her hair, not pulling at it this time.

"…everything you say sounds like a speech you've been practicing in front of a mirror for a week…"

"Probably because I've given so many speeches in my life. It's simply become part of the way I speak." Was it even possible for a conman such as he to be sincere, or had he just bought into too many of his own lies? What a shame that it was so much easier to convince children to die than the woman he loved to live. Glancing over at her, he could still see the bruises feathering over her jaw and neck. It was a disgusting thought, to even consider this a gamble he was willing to make, but even though he had so much to lose, so too did he have just as much to gain. Slowly raising his hand, he let his fingers ghost over the bruises, stopping where her chin was pressed against her chest.

"This looks painful." She did not speak or even acknowledge his words or touch, so he continued. "This is from less than a minute, yes? Levi told me it gets more painful the longer it goes on. That it's an agonizing way to die…" He moved his hand from her jaw to her wrist, the leather soft under his palm, his thumb finding the gaps between the laces and lightly stroking the skin beneath. "Whatever you're going through right now… surely it can't hurt worse than that?" Thomasin did not straighten, but slowly, she looked up, her lashes damp but her cheeks dry.

" 'Right now'… Imagine a muscle cramp that never goes away. Sometimes it hurts more, sometimes it hurts less, but it never stops. From the moment you wake up until the moment you fall asleep, there is always that underlying base level of pain. Now replace that pain with dread and fear and grief and misery. The way you felt after the 57th expedition, after Mike and Cecil and Horace's deaths, all rolled into one and all the time… Would you rather deal with a bit of pain or a lifetime of that?"

"A lifetime of that," he answered easily, earning a look and a frown. "As you said, it never stops, and sometimes it gets worse… but you also said that sometimes it gets better, and those times when it's better mean everything to me." He turned to face her fully. "I realize this is easy for me to say, given that I don't have the same… curse as you. My grief and misery fade with time, and I move on." In theory, at least. "It is easy for one who has never faced terror to tell someone to not be afraid, but I genuinely believe those better times are worth it for you, too, even if you don't feel that's the case now. Four years ago, you were condemned to death. You held ODM blades in your hands, and instead of slitting your throat or charging at an MP to goad them into shooting you, you chose to fight Titans. In spite of all the pain and horror and grief and misery, you fought to live… and those horrible things passed, if only for a while, did they not?" She gave him a tiny nod, and he carefully pulled her hand away from her hair, twining his fingers with hers.

"A few weeks ago, Hange told me something like, 'no matter how dark the night gets, the sun always rises', and even at the time, I remember thinking that was such a worthless platitude. I could easily die before the sun ever rose again- this proverbial night might well last me a lifetime." Thomasin turned her head to look at him, something close to relief on her face.

"Yes. Now you understand."

"I do understand… but I also understand that, if I did die during that long night, the sun would never rise. …when everything started going to hell in Shiganshina, when I was certain that all of my Scouts save for a handful of new recruits had been slaughtered and we were trapped in a pincer formation, I just wanted to jump off Wall Maria and let that be the end of my problems. I couldn't see the dawn in that moment, but I pushed on and awoke to the daylight. If the sun rises tomorrow, what would the best case scenario for you be?"

"A giant meteor crashes into the Walls and kills humanity in our sleep." He shuddered, her nonchalance coupled with the fact that he knew exactly what that would look like a terrifying mix. He tried again.

"Second best scenario?"

"The king- or, I guess it's 'queen', now- uses their amnesia water to erase all my memories and thoughts and feelings and I start life over as a blank slate, unable to think or feel anything ever again." His horror turned to sadness. If she were anyone else, that would be a possible, if not terrible, solution. Alas, it seemed that the same blood that cursed her to suffer negated any outside attempts to end that suffering.

"Third best?" he asked desperately, and Thomasin sighed, straightening a bit more.

"…everything goes back to the way it was before. Before Wall Maria fell, before you became the commander, before there was any hope of you going more than ten kilometers from the Walls… everything was so simple back then…" she sniffled, and he could see her eyes shining as tears welled in their depths. "I thought I was unhappy, but looking back on that time now, I was so stupid… What did I know of suffering back then? That was the happiest time of my life… I would give anything to go back there." Erwin squeezed her hand tighter as a tear rolled down her cheek.

"What about it specifically made you so happy?"

"Things were simple. I liked my job. I liked living in Shiganshina. I liked getting to see you every month. You talked about Titans less and you smiled more. When you were surrounded by competent people, I worried less about you. I didn't know what it sounded like when dozens of civilians screamed as one and then a single crunch silenced them all… the world seemed less horrible back then."

"Would that we could all reclaim our stolen innocence," he muttered. "But… you know that some of those things can still happen, Thomasin. We've reclaimed Wall Maria, and the Garrison will be heading out to repair the gates in Shiganshina. Once they do, the carpenters can go there and repair and rebuild the houses that were destroyed. It'll be resettled- you can live there again. We can both live there. Shiganshina is going to need another apothecary and you are a licensed journeyman, so there's nothing stopping you from getting your old job back. We know what Titans are now, so there's not much reason to talk about them anymore, and while I lack competent soldiers, I am… functionally immortal for the next fifteen years, so in truth, you have less reason to worry about me now than you did back then. Things can never go back to the way they were… but they can be better than they are now." Thomasin breathed deeply and slowly, staring at the opposite wall. She seemed to calm slightly… and then she began shaking her head, her breathing growing ragged once more.

"No… no, because now it's not just me, now it's this fucking thing inside of me-" Erwin squeezed her hand tighter, tugging her arm to draw her attention onto him.

"Tell me- is one day going to make that much of a difference? If you don't deal with this problem right this moment, is it going to escalate by tomorrow?"

"…no."

"Then it seems to me like you don't need to worry about it right this moment. The mind can only deal with so many problems at once before it begins shutting down- trust me, I speak from experience." He leaned against her, pressing his lips against her temple. "Tomorrow. You and I both will dedicate as much time as is necessary to coming up with a solution for this."

"And if we can't find one?"

"There is always a solution, there is always a way forward." It did not matter how many corpses lined their path or how much weight bore down on their shoulders; there was not a single member of the human race who could not find within themselves the strength to take another step. He could not believe anything else. "How do you feel now?" he muttered against her hair.

"Tired. You said a lot of stuff and I only heard about half of it, and it's all swimming around my head now."

"Then rest. You always get on my case about pushing myself, and yet here you sit, doing the same." With her free hand, Thomasin rubbed her eyes, pulling her hand loose from his and, after a moment's pause, moving up further onto the bed and laying on her side. "You don't want to get dressed?"

"Does the sight of my naked body upset you?"

"Just the opposite. I thought it might upset you, though. I figured sleeves would be more comfortable than those gloves." Kneeling, he pulled the pillows from under the bed, shaking as much dust from them as he could and handing them to her before opening the trunk at the foot of his bed and pulling out a clean comforter. As he laid it over her, his eyes lingered on the gloves. "You can take those off. I won't look at you until you tell me I can." Thomasin pulled the blanket up to her chin.

"And if I never tell you that?"

"Then I shall avert mine eyes in your presence until the end of days." Brown eyes glanced up at him, then closed as she adjusted the pillow beneath her neck.

"…you're so weird, Smith. Most people would call you a cuckold."

"That doesn't concern me because I don't care what 'most people' think of me, and I don't know what that word means." To his absolute delight, his admission earned a quiet snort of laughter. That one, tiny sound eased the tightness in his chest that he had been trying his hardest to ignore. A dim light gleaming in the darkness, the barest hint that the sun might truly be on the horizon.

~o0o~

Even with his hair combed (although still damp) and wearing a clean uniform, Erwin didn't feel like a commander at the moment. His mind was not in the right space, and sitting with his soldiers in the mess hall rather than in his office wasn't helping matters, but Thomasin was sleeping and a meeting was a meeting regardless of where it was held.

"So how did the chamber react to my absence?" Hange waved their hand dismissively.

"Some of the councilors tried to stir the pot, but Levi and Nile put them in their place. I'm honestly a bit surprised- Commander Dok looked ready to jump out of his seat and start brawling."

"It's not that surprising; Nile wants me to sire playmates for his daughters and will throw hands with anyone who tries to stand in the way of that, including me."

The 104th recruits were trying their hardest to pretend they weren't listening to this particular conversation, Jean in particular trying to hide his darkly flushed cheeks. Not all of the recruits were deeply disturbed by their commander's thinly veiled discussion of his sex life; Floch's expression was distant, his eyes glazed over as though he were thinking about something completely unrelated to the matter at hand, and Eren… The loathing in those deep green eyes had not diminished even slightly since the last time Erwin saw him- if anything, it burned all the hotter now as the boy glowered at him.

"…so, this is what we have to expect from the Survey Corps' leadership going forward? You putting your personal problems ahead of actual issues that need your attention?" Well, it seemed his sentence did absolutely fuck all to fix his behavioral issues. Hange groaned, covering their face with their hand, but Erwin simply fixed the boy with an aloof stare.

"You've never been concerned with the Survey Corps' leadership, Eren. The fact that you wanted to let the man who is currently responsible for you being fed and clothed and housed and employed die because, as far as you're concerned, someone else would just pick up the slack and continue doing those things for you is proof of that."

"You're wasting your breath, Erwin." Levi leaned his chair back on two legs. "We already had this conversation with him on the ferry ride back because piss-baby Yaeger is going through a phase where he thinks he's the most important person in the room."

"He's talking to himself and having random outbursts at meetings, and refusing to tell us what's going on," Hange added, their lips pulled into a tight frown as they too turned to look at Eren. The boy looked as bitter and angry as ever.

"Do you have anything to say about that, Eren?" Eren met his gaze defiantly.

"Guess I'm totally nuts."

"Dammit, Eren- what the hell is wrong with you!?" Connie stood so quickly his chair wobbled, slamming his hands on the table as he glared at his squad mate. "You're acting like a spoiled brat! 'Oh, my best friend's dead, so that gives me an excuse to act like a self-centered jerk for as long as I want!' Boo fucking hoo! My dad is dead! My brother and sister are dead! My mom might as well be dead because she's a monster that can't talk or move or recognize me as anything but food! I couldn't even bury them because there's nothing left when Titans are killed!" Despite his fury, tears spilled onto his shirt with every blink.

"Did I catch an attitude and get mad because other peoples' families are still alive? Did I go around blaming and hating everyone who didn't get turned into a Titan? NO! I didn't even get to grieve because I had work to do! I swore an oath to dedicate my heart to humanity, not to sulk in the corner as soon as one bad thing happened to me!" Sasha placed a hand on his shoulder, urging him to sit and rubbing his back as he struggled to catch his breath. Jean breathed harshly through his nose, his jaw tight.

"Connie's right, Eren- it's been a month. Enough is enough. You're not the only person who lost someone they care about; maybe you forgot about Marco, but I didn't."

"I didn't forget about Marco," Eren seethed, "but I think you did. Because Marco couldn't be saved. We weren't there when he died, we didn't have any serum that could help him. But we could've saved Armin, and they didn't-"

"So you're willing to save my mom?" Eren gave Connie a bemused look. The shorter of the boys was stone-faced, his eyes hard and cold. "You're a Titan Shifter, she's a pure Titan; you could go to Ragako right now and let her eat you and turn back into a human. I'll go with you." Eren's confusion turned to disbelief.

"We still have Annie- we can feed her to your mom-"

"Annie doesn't have any skin in this game," Sasha reminded him, her lips pulled into a frown. "You're the one getting mad about people not saving other people when they have the chance, so you should be the one offering to help."

"It took me months to learn how to harden, and without nearly dying, I might not have been able to. You want to take the risk of losing that power to a civilian now when we need to rely on it more than ever?" Floch leaned forward, resting his chin on his palm.

"I'm sorry- did you just say that experience is more important than whatever someone's personal connection to a person might be?"

"Shut up," Eren spat.

"Why; because you just proved that you're a massive hypocrite? You don't know Connie's mom- she might be able to learn hardening faster than you could. She probably wouldn't have your bad attitude, either." The dark-haired boy looked around the table, his breathing growing ragged as anger and hurt and disbelief all coalesced into the kind of panic one would find in the eyes of a caged beast.

"I don't believe you all… You know Armin, you know all the things he did, how many times he saved us, and this is how you thank him?"

"I know this happened six months ago and you're clearly not all there in the head," Levi said, his blasé tone at odds with his icy eyes, "but Erwin is literally the only reason you weren't vivisected and kept in a cage until Rod Reiss spanked out another bastard. Armin might've convinced Pixis not to let the Garrison kill you on sight, but Pixis didn't stand up for you in court- Erwin did. He saved you from the Assembly three times… and this is how you thank him."

"I don't need your thanks, Eren," Erwin told him sternly. "I don't even want it at this point. You are free to hate me until you take your dying breath. But I beg you to try to look beyond the rim of that gaping pit you call an ego and realize that your actions and choices do not only affect you, but everyone around you. Your petulance puts the people of the Walls at risk, including your so-called friends. Unless you've decided that, now that the one you actually care about is gone, the rest don't matter anymore?" Eren looked around the table again, at his friends regarding him with disapproval and anger. For a moment, something in his expression shifted- his face looked far more open, the tilt of his lips and brows lending themselves to a look of… fear. It vanished as quickly as it came, those brows furrowing as the teeth behind his lips ground together and his nostrils flared.

"Maybe they don't. Maybe I don't care what happens to these traitors."

"You miserable piece of shit!" Jean lunged across the table, grabbing Eren's shirt and nearly yanking him to his feet as the shorter boy drew his arm back, getting ready to throw a punch. Levi stood, shoving the two apart.

"That's enough out of both of you! How many times do we have to teach you stupid fucking brats that we don't tolerate intra-branch fighting in the Corps?"

"Ignore him," Erwin ordered the table at large. "Let him sulk. Surely something other than Eren mouthing off happened during the meeting?" Hange, who had been staring at their prized test subject with open disdain, forced themselves to look away, inhaling deeply.

"Right. We discussed Marley and the Founding Titan and the so-called 'Vow Renouncing War' with the Premier."

"And?"

"His immediate, knee-jerk reaction was 'We need to use the Founder to unleash the Wall Titans on our enemies'." Levi had since sat back down but looked no more at ease. Erwin's eyes widened.

"They're nearly as big as the Colossal- that would destroy everything outside of Mitras!"

"You really think that old creep cares?"

"He'd best start caring. I'll have to speak with him about this. He seemed rather eager to begin preparing for war when last we met, as well."

"Isn't that a good thing?" Floch immediately posited. "I mean, Marley wants to destroy us. We should be using every opportunity we have to prepare a counterattack!"

"A counter attack where, and against what, exactly?" Erwin pressed him. "In the last century, we haven't gone more than fourteen kilometers beyond Wall Maria. All we know of what lies beyond that are words on a page, and not very descriptive ones. Marley is nothing more than a name to us at the moment, a fictional hellscape from which Titans come." He sighed quietly.

"I understand that you're afraid, Floch, and that fear is justified, but only fools rush in without a plan. Wars are not won in days or weeks or even months; they take years. Years of planning, years of logistics, years of battle. Marley's initial battle against us took them over a decade to prepare… and they lost. Massively. In part because they rushed in, unprepared, and didn't understand their enemy. They won't recover from this so easily, so what we need to do in the meantime is focus, not on reactionary solutions that make us feel better in the interim and might be completely useless when we need them, but rather on gaining information. That is what the Survey Corps does- that is what we have always done." Hange smiled at him, a tight lipped smile that didn't quite reach their eye but a smile nonetheless.

"See, this is what I can't do. People start asking me about things that aren't directly related to Titans and I can't think of a good answer and everyone just ends up thinking I'm stupid."

"You've listened to me give speeches for fourteen years- if you can't emulate it by now, then I can't help you with that."

"…I think that might be something you just have to be born with," Sasha muttered under her breath, tracing a knot in the table with her nail, a somewhat dismal expression on her face. "Anyone can memorize words and practice saying them until they sound right, but most people will never just know what to say off the cuff, especially when they're stressed. I can barely keep my thoughts together when I panic… some people just freeze up and can't think at all." She looked up slightly. "I think your brain's just built different, Commander. Jean's like that, too- he's really good at coming up with ideas quickly." Erwin couldn't help the wry smile tugging at his lips.

"Are you suggesting that I name Jean my successor?"

"No!" The boy in question exclaimed just as Hange gleefully shouted "YES!"

"No."

"Stop trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole, Erwin- I am not cut out for this. I am not built to lead. If a literal child can take charge better than I can, then you should nurture that skill." Jean gaped at the adults, shaking his head in disbelief.

"I- I don't want to be the commander of the Survey Corps…!"

"No one does," Levi told him. "It's the worst job in the Walls. I'd rather be a poopsmith than deal with this shit." Not for the first time, Erwin felt exactly the same way. Problems mounting atop problems… but, he reminded himself, there was hope on the horizon. The sun would rise tomorrow.

"So, the Premier wants to go to war with a country we can't even physically get to at the moment. Anything else of note?" Hange picked at their nails.

"The council decided to publicly release the information that was contained in the journals… and disclose the identity of the Colossal Titan, so… you're probably going to have to start giving interviews."

"That's fine. Anything else?"

"We've been given the go-ahead to start doing Titan experiments again!"

"That will have to wait until we have horses. I've already filled out the paperwork, but they're going to have to be delivered and trained, so I'd give it another month before we start running tests. I have a desk full of clerical work waiting for me, and Hange is going to have to start drafting experiment thesis's, so Levi's squad will deal with the horses. Another relatively peaceful month for you all, so enjoy it while you can."

"…wh-what about me?" Floch asked quietly, earning an unamused look from the lieutenant.

"He said 'Levi's squad deals with the horses'. You're in Levi's squad- what the hell do you think you'll be doing?"

"But I- I was in Captain Steven's squad-"

"Yeah, and there are only two squads left, so you can be in the Special Operations Squad, or you can be in the Shitty Cyclops' Mad Science Brigade." The redhead looked between Levi and Hange, his gaze drifting over his fellow recruits. He frowned slightly, sinking further into his chair.

"…then… can I be in Section Commander Hange's squad?" The recruits gaped at him.

"Wait, you actually wanna be in the section commander's squad?" Sasha asked, disbelieving.

"The Special Operations Squad is the most elite section in the Survey Corps!" Connie reminded him, and Floch curled into himself.

"Yeah. I know. That's why I shouldn't be a part of it. I'm not elite- I didn't even rank in the top twenty of our class. I was never meant to be a Scout, that's why I joined the Garrison. I'm not strong or skilled or brave- the only reason I'm still alive is because God needed me to help Commander Erwin. Maybe I can train a horse, but other than that, I would just drag the rest of you down. The section commander was right- don't hammer square pegs into round holes, and I'm as square of a peg as you can get." Hange stared at him for a long moment, but their expression gradually softened and they reached out, laying a hand on his shoulder.

"I didn't rank super high in my class, either. That doesn't matter- it takes all kinds to keep the Survey Corps running. If you really wanna be in my squad, I'm glad to have you. I can always use a-" Their voice cracked slightly, and they had to blink rapidly to keep their eye dry. "…an assistant is always welcomed. What'dya say, Erwin?" He turned to face the boy, this strange boy who seemed to despise and worship him in equal measure.

"I would appreciate it if you helped with the horses so they can be field ready faster, but as long as Hange is amenable to it, I have no issue with you being a part of their squad. I'll update your file accordingly."

"Thank you, Commander."

"Well, I suppose that's all that needs to be discussed at the moment. All of you, dismissed." Erwin was the first on his feet, eager to return to his quarters as quickly as possible. He paused at the door, glancing back at the table. Eren remained seated, not so much as a muscle moving. His behavior this time around was… disconcerting, to say the least. He would fully expect the boy to continue resenting his superiors, the people responsible for the death of his friend in his mind, but to extend his vitriol to his friends because they rightfully pointed out that his behavior was unacceptable? That was worrisome.

Of course, the moods of teenagers were always volatile, and friends often fought only to make up and quickly forget any slights. That was inconsequential- the fact that Eren was clearly hiding something from them was not. He did not trust them, not even his friends anymore, it seemed- "traitors", he'd called them, as though he expected their loyalty to lie with him rather than the Survey Corps as a whole. Levi called it a "phase", believing one was the center of the universe. It was hardly uncommon for a young boy to have delusions of grandeur, to think himself more important than he actually was, but when that boy held within him the power of a god, those delusions ran the risk of becoming more than an annoyance.

Eren told him last week that he'd relived a few more of Freida Reiss' memories- in his notes, he recalled a time when she/he yelled at Historia for trying to climb over a wooden fence, the mere notion of someone trying to go beyond the border of a "Wall" triggering some kind of deep, primal fury. That too must have been the will of the first king of the Walls. If that was what he was willing to share with them, Erwin could not even begin to imagine what he was keeping close to his chest. The question then became was he keeping this something from them out of spite… or fear?

000000000

IMPORTANT NOTICE:

As loathe as I am to say this, I think I'm gonna have to go on another hiatus, guys. I haven't been able to write nearly as much as I wanted to in the last few months, and while I have a few more chapters written at the moment, I'm not really satisfied enough with them to post them. Another thing is that two of my cats died last week, and I'm just not really in the mood to think about this story right now. I have not and WILL NOT abandon it; I have to at least get to the end of this story (NO idea if I have the mental wherewithal to work on the sequel because as much as I want to, dear god is it hard to stay excited about AoT. I literally have to read the spinoffs and spoofs to maintain my enthusiasm for this fandom because reading the canon material kind of just sucks the life and joy out of me…). No idea when I'll come back- definitely not until next year- but when I do, hopefully it will be with all the rest of the chapters because this story is driving me insane and I want it out of my head.

Less important A/Ns: Erwin: *staring at a sign on his door that says "cuck"* "That sign can't stop me because I can't read." I feel bad leaving you guys with these shorter chapters, but I also feel bad cramming too much information into a single chapter, which I know I do far too often.

It's really hard to think of a way to describe mental illness in a time period before "mental illness" was really seen as a thing (at least, a thing that wouldn't get you incarcerated). Like, yeah, Thomasin could try to explain "melancholia" to Erwin but… first off, that was seen as more of a physical illness, caused by too much black bile and she doesn't need some idiot telling her "well, have you tried throwing up more?" And second… I don't think that's something Erwin would really be able to wrap his head around. It would be like trying to explain Complex Regional Pain Syndrome to someone who doesn't know what a nervous system is. Even nowadays, it's really hard to explain depression to people who just think it's "being sad" (it's not). Seeing as the people of Paradis' understanding of genetics is limited to "it's something that's passed through the blood", I think Thomasin calling her major depressive disorder a type of blood curse is probably the best way to go about it. Her mother also suffered from severe clinical depression, so even though she doesn't have the language to say "I'm worried this is a genetic condition I might pass onto any potential children I have"… that's what she's trying to say.