She was born on the first equinox of the year, covered in scales and feathers, like some kind of wild thing from a nightmare.
Tana died in the process, bleeding excessively. I held the child up in the moonlight and all I could feel was fear. I visited Weiu with the child. She crafted a necklace for the child. I brought her back home and slowly the feathers and scales receded. I wept as I saw her without them. She began crying, batting away the necklace as if it were a brand.
I was alone in the house with the baby for three days. Tana's body sat as I took care of the baby. When it became too unbearable I pried up a floorboard and placed her there. It was foolish. But she said that she always wanted to stay near this house. How could I deny her that?
I took the baby and left, wandering. I soon found small jobs in towns as a scribe. At this time many could still not write out their own words. I gave it to others as my living.
The baby remained small. I asked women in the town what they feed their babies and followed their advice. She would cry every time that I laid her down and it was difficult to leave her alone while I worked. But there was little choice. I felt the child didn't grow because of her condition but, slowly she did. I noticed that she seemed to age much slower than her counterparts. There was a child whom a woman bore while I was there and in the span of two months, he had gone from crawling to walking while my girl stayed in her swaddling.
I rented a small home on the outskirts of town that was near a field for game birds and poultry. An old woman that lived next door was the owner.
One day I went to ink a letter for someone. It took me at least an hour. When I returned my daughter wasn't in the house. Panicked, I searched for her afraid she had suffocated in the small stream behind the house. When I walked outside I saw a still tiger-goose neck bloodied.
I ran between the two houses. Under a shaded tree, I saw my daughter biting the neck of another goose. I raced to her untangling the goose from her mouth and hands. She looked up at me her little mouth painted red.
I held the goose in my hand helplessly. It was clearly dead. I scooped up my daughter and ran back to the house scrubbing her off and collecting our possessions. I collected my bag and my daughter. I walked north through the far end of town. While passing the tea shop one of the women I knew sat outside as her son played. She saw that I was carrying my possessions and my daughter tucked into my coat. She asked me where I was going. I told her anyplace and she said. She said she'd like to come with me. Hue came along and we drifted between different places. I didn't stay longer than a few days or a week just long enough to get a few jobs. Hue didn't ask questions and seemed content as she lead her son from town to town.
One of these days we were sitting in the shade as the two children played. I watched with the eyes of a hawk. Hue asked me if I knew why she came with me. I told her I didn't know for certain. She said that her grandmother judged her for having a son so young. I asked her how old she was and she answered nineteen. I told her I didn't see anything wrong with it.
She asked me again why I think she fell pregnant. I told her how everyone does. She laughed and said that is not what she meant and that she had a child out of wedlock because she was a prostitute. She seemed surprised at my lack of reaction. I stood up quickly going over to my daughter who was tugging on her son's hair.
That evening I looked for another lady of wisdom in the current town we were staying in such as Weiu but the only thing close to it was a young physician. She gave me pills for my daughter after I tried explaining my problem. Namely, my daughter being violent. I administered them right away to her but once I did she began crying.
Not soon after, Hue asked what her name was. I informed her that I always had called her little girl and Hue looked at me and said that no one shouldn't be without a name. My daughter went and picked up a fruit from the ground and ate it. I quickly blurted out a name, Nalai. It was the name of my great-great aunt who had loved fruit. Hue looked at me strangely and laughed, informing me of her son's name, Chetan.
We traveled like this together and as her son grew into a young child Nalai remained small and delicate. Sometimes I stayed up late into the night debating if I should give her the medication or not afraid that the medication may have contributed to her further stunted growth.
I still gave it to her fearing what might happen if I didn't especially as Hue and her son now shared a space with us. The one thing that grew quickly was her hair. It grew so quickly that I had to learn how to cut and braid her hair myself. Hua would sometimes laugh and offer to do it but I insisted I could take care of it. I was her father after all.
We grew together. Sometimes I would forget about my daughter's condition for a few days enjoying the changing of the seasons or watching her play.
When Chetan had turned seven we came to a town where people lived very well. There was an extremely clean source of water from a store up in the mountains and new pipes had been added recently to the town. The streets were clean and many if not most people had entertainment and picture. I was introduced into this life later on so I did not find much value in it. But Hue who was younger seemed very excited. We went together to movers and plays. We decided to stay a little while in the town so Hue got a job. I had been teaching Chetan how to read and write so by the time he was six he was literate. We sent him to a school in town. He was a bright boy and learned quickly.
Hue worked as a seamstress and produced many beautiful pieces for the shop she was at. She was happy and I was as well. We stayed in this town for a little over two years. The longest I had stayed in one place since Tana's death. Every winter equinox was difficult and with Nalai in my arms, I sat outside looking at the sky.
Each year the feathers and scales came back. With each passing year, I got more used to it. Why I would ask myself? What sin had she committed to have this bestowed upon her? For she in my eyes had to be innocent.
But on this night Hue awoke and came to where I was. I turned to try and shield the baby from her but she had seen and her face remained drained of color. Slowly, she approached and knelt down asking me if she could see Nalai. Hue looked down at her and I saw tears in her eyes. She was the first person besides myself and Weiu to see her like this and it unfurled something in my heart whether good or ill. "She is beautiful," she had said. I tend to think that was the moment I fell in love with Hue.
Chetan grew into a beautiful boy as Nalai stayed small and delicate though still growing as a long living tree would when it was still a sapling. This is what sent me out again for answers. I found a wise man in a fine shop dressed in silk with glasses upon his nose. He looked down at the child and studied her asking me how old she was and when she was born. I answered that she was just shy of six years old and had been born on the winter equinox.
He told me that perhaps she had been diffused with too much spiritual energy when she was born but that it was only his guess. He told me that it would be safer to kill her. I objected saying that I simply could not.
Hue and I spent a few more years in this town but eventually, she became restless. I asked her what was wrong and she smiled shaking her head. One day I was watching Nalai play with a butterfly. It flew too high for her but suddenly she jumped up catching it in her hand. The butterfly fell to the ground having lost its ability to fly. Nalai looked back at me a began crying. I picked her up and smoothed down her hair.
I returned home to Chetan hurrying across the room helping his mother by putting dishes on the table. By this time he was nine and a dutiful boy who listened to his mother without question. I bent into the home holding Nalai in one arm and smiled at Chetan who blushed. After I washed Nalai I returned for dinner smelling the delicious aromas coming from the food. All four of us ate and Hue asked me if I liked it many times. Each time I told her it was very good.
When the children had gone to bed we sat as the frogs began to hum. I told her that she had cooked for me so much by now that it would only be right to marry her. I had a fondness for her of course but she was young and I was fourteen years her senior. It was an offhand remark on my part. But I noticed that she was looking down at her cup, hair covering her face. I lifted her face up and saw that her cheeks were beaten pink. I dropped my hand surprised and blinked in shock.
Soon we decided to marry and her eyes glowed with a new light I had never seen before. As we made plans thoughts of the house I had lived in with Tana crept into my mind. We traveled north finding other towns and Hue said that it would be nice to have a permanent home. I agreed with her. Every night for some reason I would tell her stories of my childhood. I had never told Tana for I thought they were too mundane. There were stories of my brother studying for long hours and my father that was always away. Hua would ask for more stories until I ran out of things to tell her that came from my childhood. I began telling her things later in my life. I told her how I had been kicked out of my first job because I had not described my client beautifully enough for her liking or written poetry that my client had liked enough. It was only funny to me later.
I found myself telling her how I met Tana, her father the owner of a silk farm. I told Hua of how over the years Tana had asked me to marry her and when I finally proposed her father had been upset. I told her how we had had to find another smaller farm for us. I told her how we had lived and how she had died.
After I had told Hue all of this she had said that she wanted to see this place and I shook my head saying that it probably was overgrown and dreadful by now. She only smiled saying that this is where she would like to raise her son. I agreed with hesitation and we made the long journey back to where I'd started.
I'd been correct in my assumptions. Vines shrouded the wooden walls of the house and the water in the garden pond was grown over with algae. Crows had made a roost in the eves and wild woolly pigs were grazing on the leftovers of the crops in the fields.
But Hue seemed shocked not by this at all. She was astonished by the amount of land and the size of the house. For me, it was normal perhaps even a little small. She was overjoyed which is all that mattered. We cut vines, cleaned the pond, and even caught a few of the woolly pigs. We replanted the fields and I taught Hue how to farm.
We shared care of Chetan and Nalai. Though at times Chetan was wary of me. He was eleven at the time and Nalai ten, though she looked to be around five. I would often tutor Chetan while Nalai watched at my side her large dark eyes trained on me. Once we had been there for a year the crops grew back and it looked more as it had when Tana was alive, though the trees were somewhat bigger and the house was somewhat more alive.
For the first time in a long time, I was happy.
Another year passed and I found that Nalai had begun to speak. She would replicate a word I would be teaching to Chetan, but later on after the lesson. I was glad she was learning how to speak for a long time believing that perhaps she would not even be able to. Each time she said a word I would write it down to keep a record.
On the night of the twelfth year after her birth, I heard a terrible scream from her room. I woke up with Hue by my side hair disheveled. I ran to the room and found it painted in blood. Nalai sat in the middle of the room motionless and I crouched by her checking her body. There were no injuries and I stared at the walls my eyes wide. The deep red sent a shudder through my spine. I carried her out of the room and to another closer to mine. Then I set to clean the blood from the walls. It was difficult and it left a smell in the room. When I returned to bed Hue asked me what had happened. I told her that Nalai had had a nightmare. I turned Nalai's room into the storage room stacking boxes to mask the faint scars.
I decided to sleep in the same room as Nalai the next year. I woke up to see her missing, the sheets on her futon bed messy. I stood and went outside grabbing a small lamp. I saw small footprints and followed them. They lead into the fields where the tree line began. I squinted and saw a figure crouched in the moonlight in a small clearing just beyond the trees.
My heart broke as I saw feathered scales littering the ground. Blood dotted the ends of the steams where they had been ripped out. I approached the treeline and suddenly the figure snapped around, raking long nails across my throat. I fell to my knees holding my neck. Nalai peered down at me her eyes wide and blood dripping off her nails. She looked at me with wet eyes, shook her head, and ran off.
I tried to sit up and fainted. I awoke to someone pressing a cool cloth to my throat, a worried voice tugging at my ears, and an intense pain in my neck. Hue bent over me. I asked her if she had seen Nalai and she shook her head. I slept not eating for several days. As soon as I could get up I began looking for Nalai. I never found her. A few months later I saw Hue bending over in pain. I touched her back and asked her what was wrong. She smiled up at me. She was with child.
I looked down at her and felt her stomach where there was a small bump. At first, fear gripped me. Nalai was my first child and I feared that the same thing would befall my second. But then seeing Hue's happiness I couldn't help but be touched. But at the same time, I couldn't mask the pain of Nalai's absence. Hue wiped her eyes saying she knew nothing would replace the girl for me. This was true but it also made me feel as if I was ignoring Hue's feelings so I told her that in fact, I was happy.
As she became more pregnant I took on more responsibilities cleaning and cooking and looking after Chetan.
Hue was even more beautiful than normal when she was pregnant the picture of a mother, hair shiny and skin luminescent. Once she was nearly to term Chetan was almost fourteen and Nalai would be thirteen.
Once she had become very pregnant I called the doctor that lived three days away to live with us. Soon after Hue went into labor that lasted nearly two days. The child was born just before the harvest with a crop of dark hair. It was a girl. There were no scales or feathers on her body and for an odd moment, I was disappointed. But soon I forgot as this child was healthy and strong. The doctor had tended to both Hue and the baby.
I asked Hue what she wanted to name the child but she said she didn't have one. While I was trying to think of one Chetan spoke. We gave her the name that he had said. Dalai. Though we called her Dali. Chetan helped dutifully as his mother was healing from the birth. Dali was a strong baby with sturdy arms and legs.
She grew quickly from the fresh vegetables and crops we grew. She would hang onto Chetan and giggle as he would work in the kitchen and yard. I liked to imagine that this was what Hue was like when she was young. Hue often held her while sitting and sewing and Dali would pull on the fabric. When she was young she began to speak and I was confused asking Hue if it was normal. She nodded smiling. Though she told me Chetan had spoken a little later.
We went on a small trip to the nearby town after harvest. I showed Hue my old home and showed my parents their new granddaughter. They were glad to tell me my older brother was in the capital. They greeted Hue with some apprehension but were politely glad, to have another grandchild apart from my older brothers. I wanted to tell them that they had three grandchildren but I didn't know how. We celebrated the fall festival with them and then returned home.
By this time Chetan was fifteen and Dali was nearly two years old. Chetan went to school a town away and came home for the weekends. Hua and I were busy taking care of Dali. Thought it was still odd not to see Chetan every day.
When Chetan was seventeen and Dali had turned four Hue fell ill complaining of pain in her chest. I called the doctor but he wasn't sure what to do. After her being ill for a month I decided to take her to the nearest city though she protested saying she didn't want to see any more doctors. But eventually, she and I went and Chetan watched Dali while we were absent.
We went to a man who was a water-bending doctor. He scanned Hue and said that there was something different about her chest. I asked what could be done but he told me we would have to wait and see him again. We waited several days for another appointment. He had another doctor in with him, a young firebender with sharp eyes named Shigo. There were dark circles under her eyes and she looked disheveled. They both agreed that Hue had cancer and that it was far along. I told Hue and all she said is that she would like to go home.
We returned to Chetan and Dali. Chetan's eyes were dark when met my eyes.
I asked him what had happened but he would not answer me. He seemed unharmed and so did Dali but I could tell something was wrong. I didn't know how I should tell him that Hue was sick. With his perception, he likely already could tell.
Hue mostly stayed in bed. I read her poetry and history books. I patted her silky hair and she sewed beautiful dressed and rugs until she was too sick to do so. I remember when she was very ill Chetan standing in the doorway his sun-tanned hand resting on the door frame looking down at his mother. He began preparing several things and when I asked him what he was doing he looked at me saying that he was preparing things for her body. I looked down at the floor blinking back tears and joined him.
I kept asking Chetan what he wanted to do. He would answer me that he was already a farmer and that I couldn't keep the farm up on my own and raise Dali. It made me feel that I had come up short for him when he was younger. But the truth was he had always been a serious child. So I let him be. Dali kept us close together. When he turned nineteen I began to look for a wife for him. But he refused all of them before I had even told him about them. So I began to suspect he had already found someone. I waited for him to tell me. But Chetan never did. He must have had someone.
One night when we were sitting at the table after Dali had already gone to bed he spoke. He told me that when his mother and I were gone to see doctors he had seen her.
I leaned forward. I asked him where he had seen her. He told me I wouldn't want to see her but I insisted and he showed me the place. It was a swampy area with shiny steel beams that had fallen into the water.
I commented that wit would make a nice patty field and he had remained quiet. In the dark, I saw nothing but it felt as if I was being watched.
Dali grew and flourished loving the farm. I purchased tiger-geese and even a goat dog to keep them safe. We would get milk from the neighbor several minutes away and Dali became friends with their two children. Chetan never did anything wrong growing into a young man that made me proud. Dali had just turned six and would often get into trouble. I would try and instill obedience in her but I was soft not being able to bring myself to fully do so. She would often play with the two other children staying at their house overnight.
She had the same smile as Hue but was her own person.
Four years later we had a significant wet season rotting many of our plants. I had to leave and go into the next town for work as Chetan took care of Dali. I would often be away for several days and would return as soon as I could but I had to work more often as the price of goods had gone up due to the floods and heavy rain.
After it had dried some I returned to the wet area near the house and stared across the water. I saw this as a break where I could feed my family. The neighbors helped to try and clean the steel beams out from the area but they were deeply entrenched. We spent several days doing this. On the last day, I stayed late. Before I knew it something next to a tree was staring at me. The figure of a girl. Nalai. For some reason, I knew she couldn't have seen my face. She lunged and I was too shocked to react. Something tore into my chest and I stumbled home bleeding onto my hand. When Chetan saw me he paled and pulled me into the side door. We stumbled together through the small garden with the pond into the dark room that was only used for storage. He laid me down on a small mat he unrolled and he pressed something to my chest. Father he had called me. Father. Father. I dazed in and out of sleep and I asked him for a brush and paper. He brought it to me.
And so I lay here for a dizzying day and write about my life. I don't know why. Perhaps I feel guilty about Nalai. I feel that I failed her in some deep way and that she was not meant for me. But I love her and I do not know how to express it. I love you Chetan and Hua and I love you Dalai. Take care of her.
-Father