Cobra Commander's Sexy Dance Party

"I can't believe we actually got some of our old weapons back," Zarana shook her head as the Cobras sat down for another meeting in the conference room.

"I can't believe that the Crimson Twits let Deming steal from them, again," Zartan huffed. "Oh wait. Yes I can!"

"Shut up Zartan," The fully clothed Crimson Twins snapped as one.

"Actually I'm amazed there's anything left considering their past history," Donald, the intelligent personality of Road Pig spoke up.

"F-for once we d-didn't screw things up!" Road Pig then spoke up.

"My sentiments exactly," Cobra Commander nodded. "By the way Zartan why are your Dreadnoks here again?"

"Not all of them are here," Zartan frowned. "I'm having Zanzibar refuel our vehicles."

"Just make sure the bloke don't sniff all the gas is what I'm saying," Torch grumbled.

"Yes that's your specialty," The Baroness quipped.

"Exactly!" Torch snapped. "I'm telling you Zartan your uncle is wearing out his bloody welcome!"

"We so needed a break from him," Buzzer nodded.

"Trouble in Dreadnok Paradise?" Destro raised an eyebrow.

"And how!" Monkeywrench groaned. "I thought that bloke Thrasher was annoying but Zanzibar makes him look like a bloody genius!"

"Yes, yes we all hate Zanzibar especially me!" Zartan snapped. "You think I want him around after he screwed up my meal ticket?"

"Didn't you already do that with the…" Torch began. Zartan gave him a look. "Okay shutting up."

"Let's get back on track shall we?" Cobra Commander sighed. "We've got a few good weapons and plans we can revisit and redo. We can work on that for now…"

"Cobra Commander have you ever heard the saying those who forget history often repeat it?" Destro asked.

"I know that phrase," Monkeywrench spoke up. "I had to repeat history class three years in a row before I figured out how to pass it."

"And I'm guessing you passed by cheating? Am I correct?" Zartan asked in a weary tone.

"Eventually," Monkeywrench nodded. "Here's something else I learned, if you're gonna cheat on a test. Make sure you cheat off of someone who actually knows the answers!"

"A very intelligent deduction," Monkeywrench," Zartan sighed.

"And I also learned that if you do cheat off someone who knows the answers, make sure you don't get them so drunk the night before they fall asleep during the test!" Monkeywrench added. "That's kind of why it took me three years to pass the class."

"That would do it," Destro sighed.

"I loved my history class in high school," Ripper spoke up.

"That's because you were banging half the girls in there," Buzzer snorted.

"I loved my history class too!" Torch spoke up.

"That's because you were banging the teacher!" Buzzer added.

"Mrs. Pazzinova," Torch sighed. "Boy she was hot. And I learned a lot from her!"

"Obviously the woman didn't teach ethics," The Baroness rolled her eyes.

"Dang I should have banged my teacher," Monkeywrench grumbled. "Oh wait, my teacher was a dude. Then again…He wore a wig all the time. And looked pretty good in a dress."

"Can we cut away from Saved by the Bell the Dreadnok Years and go back to some kind of intelligent discussion about our plans?" Destro asked. "Or whatever passes for it around here."

"Gladly," Cobra Commander was eager to change the topic as well. "We're not going to completely redo our plans. At least without some severe upgrades. In the meantime we have other schemes to work on! Like backing and producing a new movie!"

"You mean a new porno?" Zarana rolled her eyes.

"Po-tay-to, po-tato," Cobra Commander waved. "Come on half the movies out there are practically pornos anyway! And half the shows on cable now that I think about it."

"Not this again," Destro groaned.

"What?" Cobra Commander asked. "What do you mean by that?"

"We truly have forgotten our history haven't we?" Destro sighed. "Cobra Commander must I once again regale you with the tale of the last time you tried this?"

"Oh yeah…" Torch remembered. "He did make a porno once didn't he?"

"If you can call it that," Buzzer groaned.

"The year was 1987," Destro began to drawl. "And Cobra Commander with Dr. Mindbender had come up with a seemingly foolproof idea to plant subliminal mind control into a large percentage of the population. Namely put it in some porn."

"It was a good plan in theory," Mindbender spoke up.

"Too bad the execution wasn't so great," Destro groaned.

"Neither was the directing, the acting…" Torch went on. "The cinematography sucked man!"

"Everyone's a critic…" Cobra Commander grumbled.

"To this day the film 'The Many Lives and Loves of Cobra Commander' is considered the Ishtar of the pornography world!" Destro glared at Cobra Commander.

"Hey! A lot of good stuff got cut and ended up on the editing room floor!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Oh sure blame me!" Mindbender rolled his eyes. "I could only do so much with what I had to work with!"

"To be fair the editing was the only halfway decent part about that film," Torch spoke up. "A bit choppy but considering…"

"What are you? A porn film critic?" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Actually yeah," Torch spoke up. "I have my own blog and everything. Under a fake name of course. And I'm pretty well respected online too!"

"A well respected sleezeball is still a sleezeball," The Baroness huffed.

"Hang on," Buzzer did a double take. "You wouldn't happen to be Lord Firecrotch are you?"

"Yeah that's me, how did you guess?" Torch asked.

"Not that difficult considering your history," Zartan groaned.

"Torch actually knows how to write a blog?" Zandar spoke up.

"May I continue…?" Destro sighed.

"I read some of your reviews and they're really good," Monkeywrench spoke to Torch.

"Really?" Torch asked.

"Yes I thought you were spot on about Glinda Does Gloscow," Monkeywrench nodded. "And your position on blooper reels."

"Oh come on! Blooper reels are funny," Ripper said.

"Yeah but kind of a turn off," Torch spoke up.

"They're not meant to be a turn off," Ripper spoke up.

"Dude the point of pornography is to turn on…" Torch began.

"You see what you started?" Destro yelled at Cobra Commander. "We're back to this insanity again! Is this what you want?"

"I see your point," Cobra Commander sighed. "But I know where I went wrong last time. This time we'll use real women instead of synthoids."

"Yeah real women don't explode under hot lights," Mindbender grumbled. "Do you have any idea how many times I had to edit that out? Not a turn on when a woman explodes during…"

"That was your stupid formula!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"I told you that batch was unstable!" Mindbender snapped. "If you waited a day I could have…"

"We couldn't wait a day! We were losing the light!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"We lost a fortune!" Destro snapped.

"Why didn't you use real women?" Zandar asked.

"It was a financial issue," Cobra Commander waved.

"He didn't want to pay them," Destro added.

"Some money saver," Mindbender grumbled. "It cost us twice as much to get exploded synthoid out of the carpet!"

"This time we are using real women!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Mostly."

"Oh God here we go again…" Destro moaned.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"This is going to be a disaster," Destro remarked as he stood around the set of the latest Cobra cinematic venue. It looked like a high class English drawing room.

"Then why are you here?" Zartan asked. He was also there along with Torch, Zandar and Monkeywrench. Torch and Monkeywrench were operating the cameras.

"Oh like I'm going to miss this?" Destro pointed to a bevy of several scantily clad women getting ready on set.

"That's why we're here," Monkeywrench admitted.

"I'm amazed there aren't any more Dreadnoks here," Destro remarked.

"Yeah well…I needed them to do some other things," Zartan waved.

"Like what?" Destro asked.

"Like play Piñata with Zanzibar," Zandar smirked.

"I tell you for once it wasn't an easy decision," Monkeywrench spoke up. "Go to a porn set or beat up Zanzibar all day."

"I can see your dilemma," Destro admitted.

"Good thing the other blokes are taping it," Torch said.

"All right everyone! We gotta get this in one take!" Cobra Commander called out. He was wearing a shiny version of his uniform. "Cobra Commander's Sexy Dance Party!"

"Cobra Commander's Sexy Dance Party?" Destro blinked.

"Dude even I know this is just a rip off of Family Guy," Torch spoke up.

"Just shut up and let me focus on my lines!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"What lines?" Zandar asked. "According to the script all you do is dance around and then have an orgy."

"How did you get your hands on the script?" Destro asked.

"I co-wrote it with Cobra Commander," Zandar said. "And FYI, never co-write a porn script with Cobra Commander."

"I gathered that yeah," Destro sighed. "Commander…"

"Don't worry Destro this time I'm going to leave my helmet on so no one can see my face," Cobra Commander waved. "Quiet on the set! Let's roll!"

"Well I tried to warn him…" Destro sighed.

"Turn on the music and action!" Cobra Commander called out. "Girls! Get into position!"

The music turned on and the 'actresses' started to dance around.

How ya doin' Commander?

Cobra! Cobra!

How ya doing Commander?

Cobra! Cobra!

How ya doin' Commander?

Cobra! Cobra!

"And all the ladies say I'm pretty fly for a bad guy!" Cobra Commander sang.

"Not this song again…" Zartan rolled his eyes.

"This actually surprises you?" Destro groaned.

BOOOOOOM!

"Not as much as that!" Zartan blinked when one of the women suddenly exploded.

BOOM! BOOM!

"What the hell?" Cobra Commander yelled as goop and fire exploded on the set. "AAAAH!"

"As I was trying to inform you earlier, Cobra Commander," Destro said. "Raoul called earlier and said because of contract issues most of the actresses that were scheduled to appear couldn't. So Mindbender cloned synthoids for you instead."

BOOM! BOOOM! BOOOOOM!

"And apparently this is not one of the more stable batches," Destro sighed as more 'women' kept exploding.

"Oh what a rip!" Torch snapped. "There's not even any real women in this thing!"

"AAAAAH! MY HAIR! AAAAAHH!"

"Oh there's some real women," Torch remarked. "Real women actually scream when they get set on fire."

"AAAAAAH!"

"Ooo, getting a spray on tan was a bad idea," Monkeywrench shook his head.

"Well I always said those things were unhealthy," Torch remarked.

"AAAAH! STOP DROP AND ROLL! STOP DROP AND ROLL!" Cobra Commander yelled as his backside was on fire. He rolled to the ground only to make the flames bigger.

"Uh it probably would help if you didn't roll in the explosive synthoid goop…" Monkeywrench suggested.

"Better take a step back," Destro warned. Zartan and Zandar did so.

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"AAAAAAAAAHHH!" Cobra Commander screamed in agony as the flames engulfed his body.

"Yeah this is pretty much how I thought it would go," Destro sighed.

"I missed Zanzibar getting beat up for this?" Monkeywrench groaned in disappointment.

"Maybe if we hurry we can catch the end of it?" Torch asked.

"Go, I'll finish taping this," Zartan shrugged as he took over one of the cameras from Torch.

"Yeah why not?" Destro sighed as he took the other camera. "Might as well salvage something from this mess."

"At least now we have a double feature for movie night," Zandar shrugged.