A Rather Eventful Weekend

"Well everyone," Cobra Commander sighed. His left hand was bandaged and his leg was in a cast. "We've had a rather eventful weekend. So let's recap and figure out what went wrong shall we?"

"Must we?" Destro growled. He looked rather tired and had a bandage on his right arm. "Must we once again suffer through another insipid meeting? Haven't we suffered enough this weekend?"

"Hear! Hear! I agree! Stupid meeting!" The other Cobras agreed, all were bandaged and looked rather banged up.

"Look now is not the time for pointing fingers and blaming each other…" Cobra Commander said as he took a drink.

"I thought that was the point of all these meetings," The Baroness spoke up. She had a black eye and some scratches on her face.

"Let's start with the smaller items and work our way up," Cobra Commander sighed. "And by small I mean Mindbender's lab rats!"

"They weren't lab rats. They were lab ferrets," Mindbender protested. He had bandages on his upper arm and had an ice pack on his head.

"Well whatever they were they caused a problem when they escaped!" Destro barked. "They wrecked the base!"

"Not that much, comparatively…" Mindbender winced. "And it wasn't my fault! One of my interns left the stupid cage open!"

"I don't care if that intern decided to open the cage and waved a red cape like a matador!" Cobra Commander hissed. "They were your mutant ferrets! Your problem! Do you have any idea the damage they caused?"

Flashback to last weekend. Cobra soldiers running in panic from giant ferrets the size of large cattle. One of the ferrets caught a soldier and ate him.

Back to the present…

"And if that wasn't bad enough some of them escaped to the casino!" Cobra Commander snapped.

Flashback to the weekend. People running out of a casino being chased by giant ferrets.

Back to the present…

"It's a good thing no guests were hurt!" Cobra Commander. "Our ratings are bad enough with Trip Advisor as it is!"

"Mostly because most of the guests had already been chased out of the casino a few hours before," Destro gave Zartan a look.

"Here we go…" Zartan groaned, looking rather battered and bruised. "This is where you blame the Dreadnoks!"

Flash forward to last weekend. Several guests ran out of the casino being chased by Dreadnoks shooting off flame throwers and firecrackers while riding golf carts.

Back to the present…

"Although to be fair I must admit they did get rather carried away with their golf game," Zartan sighed.

"Carried away is an understatement!" Destro snapped. "Remember the mess they left on the ninth hole?"

"Oh right…" Zartan winced.

Flashback to last weekend.

A man in nice golf clothes putts his ball into the hole. The second he does so the hole explodes. Seconds later all that is left of the hole is a huge crater and the man's golf shoes.

Back to the present.

"That was one of our new contacts in the criminal underworld and you blew him up!" Destro snapped.

"Well…maybe it's just as well," Cobra Commander sighed.

"What did you do?" Destro gave him a look.

"Nothing. It's what the Crimson Twins did," Cobra Commander pointed. "Or should I say who they did…"

Flash forward to that same man from the golf course standing outside his hotel room. "Honey before I go to my golf game I forgot…" He opened the door. "WHAT THE HELL?"

"Oh…This is awkward," Xamot was heard remarking.

"Would you believe we're gynecologists?" Tomax asked.

Back to the present.

"So you slept with the man's wife before you blew him up," Destro groaned.

"I know. So professional," Cobra Commander sniffed.

"Oh really?" Xamot gave Cobra Commander a look.

"What about what happened after that at the bowling alley?" Tomax added.

"Why? What happened at the bowling alley?" Destro looked around.

"Ask Mindbender," Cobra Commander grumbled. "That's why he wasn't in the lab to supervise those stupid ferrets in the first place!"

"Oh you are blaming me?" Mindbender asked.

"Yes! You're the one who organized that stupid nude bowling tournament!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"A nude bowling tournament?" Destro did a double take.

"There's a great joke about balls somewhere in there," Torch snickered.

"Cobra Commander approved it!" Mindbender protested.

"WHAT?" Destro looked at Cobra Commander.

"Okay in the first place I assumed it would consist mostly of female porn stars," Cobra Commander pointed out. "Not some of Mindbender's mad scientist buddies."

"Speaking of buddies…" Destro drawled. "I thought you learned your lesson after the last party Cobra Commander!"

"I did! This time I made sure Dennis Rodman and his little buddy Kim wasn't invited," Cobra Commander protested. "Now I know that last party didn't end well but it was a while ago…"

"It was last week!" The Baroness shouted.

"But we really needed those new contacts and damn it! It was worth a shot!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Speaking of being shot…" Zarana glared at the Baroness.

"Oh I suppose now it is my turn to get blamed for something that wasn't my fault?" The Baroness snapped.

"It was so your fault!" Zarana yelled.

"What did I do?" The Baroness snapped.

"Interesting choice of words," Tomax snorted.

"More like who she did," Xamot agreed.

"I didn't sleep with anyone! I didn't get a chance to!" The Baroness snapped. "Mindbender's to blame for that!"

"Hey if you blabbed to that Middle Eastern Dictator that I slept with one of his wives after you were with him instead of before…" Mindbender snapped.

"Which led to the rampage and gunfire at both parties," Cobra Commander groaned. "Now Mindbender explain the whole situation to me again?"

"Last week when the Baroness blabbed about me sleeping with Nadira that dictator chased us both around. He was going to kill her," Mindbender began.

"Well dictators do get a bit miffed when you fool around with their harem," Destro gave Mindbender a look.

"Have you seen Nadira?" Zarana asked. "Trust me, that dictator should have thanked Mindbender for doing his job!"

"Any-way I managed to make a quick synthoid copy and fake Nadira's death last week," Mindbender explained. "She went to live with me in my lab as one of my new assistants. At least she was until Miss Blabbermouth here informed the dictator that she was still alive!"

"I didn't know it was the same man! I was making small talk!" The Baroness snapped.

"How could you not know you were talking to the same guy?" Zarana snapped. "How bombed were you?"

"Pretty bombed the first time," The Baroness admitted. "That's why I didn't recognize him the second."

"Well after the dictator went on another violent rampage to kill his wife and restore his honor and all that…" Mindbender went on.

"Which led to several more of our potential clients and allies getting killed…" Destro added.

"Long story short…" Mindbender went on.

"Too late," Zartan quipped.

"I got some more genetic samples and was able to create Nadira II," Mindbender added.

"And trust me she is an improvement over the first one even if she's green and has scales," Zarana groaned. "But that's still not the worst thing the Baroness did at the party!"

"Oh right," Destro glared at the Baroness.

"So I had a little too much to drink and got into one tiny little fight with someone I used to know," The Baroness waved.

"A tiny little fight?" Zartan yelled.

Let's see that tiny little fight shall we?

"COME BACK HERE AND FIGHT LIKE A WOMAN YOU BITCH!" The Baroness chased after a well dressed woman with a chainsaw. "HA HA HA HA HA!"

Back to the present.

"You killed three people and cut off some stray body parts and none of them were from the person you were fighting with," Zarana gave her a look.

"And you wrecked my chainsaw!" Buzzer snapped. "And it was my good one too!"

"Not to mention the extensive damage you did to the walls," Cobra Commander went on. "Some bannisters. Some priceless art. And those blood splatters on the carpet are never going to come out!"

"I am not the one who had to set up a demonstration of Cobra's power at the party!" The Baroness snapped. "That was a mistake!"

"I don't know what went wrong as far as the Blizardinator was concerned," Cobra Commander sighed. "I mean we put it in the best location possible this time. The Arctic Circle was a perfect choice to hide it. How could GI Joe find it so fast? I don't know what went wrong!"

"Really?" Destro gave him a look. "You really don't know what went wrong? How about I give you a hint. Two words: Paint Job!"

Last weekend. Aboard the International Space Station…

"Hey guys look at this storm from coming in from the Arctic Circle," A scientist said to another. "It's really huge."

"Something else is really huge," Another scientist looked at the monitor. "Magnify Quadrant 2.37.9 to 120 percent."

The magnification revealed something that was painted bright yellow and red with a big red dot in the middle. "It looks like some kind of target with something already sticking out of it," The First Scientist said.

"Let's send this out over the wire," The second scientist said. "This is obviously some kind of man-made storm."

Shortly after…

"Is that Cobra's old Blizzardinator?" Duke asked as several Joes looked at the images on a large computer screen.

"Uh huh," Mainframe nodded. "That's what it looks like all right."

"Haven't seen that piece of snow crap in a long time," Shipwreck folded his arms. "Cobra must be getting more desperate if they're trotting out their failed plans."

"It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't painted like a symbol for a certain store chain," Dial Tone remarked.

"But they did and it's just out there!" Lady Jaye said. "That big red bulls-eye among all that white? Seriously?"

"It does just kind of stand out there doesn't it?" Duke remarked. "Okay I guess we need to saddle up! We're going to the Arctic Circle."

"Great! Thanks to Cobra we're gonna freeze our tails off," Shipwreck groaned.

"Or we could just do this," Lady Jaye gave him a look. "Mainframe engage the laser on the GI Joe satellite."

"Satellite laser engaged," Mainframe said as he punched the coordinates in.

The satellite laser locked on the target and blew it up. "There. Problem solved," Lady Jaye shrugged.

"Well that was convenient," Shipwreck blinked.

"We have lasers in our satellite?" Dial Tone blinked.

"Uh yeah," Lady Jaye gave the men a look. "Remember? It was written in the Star Wars program? From the 80's? President Regan thought it would be a good idea if the Joes had this and secretly snuck it in the budget!"

"Oh yeah I forgot we had that," Duke blinked.

"Kind of figured you did," Lady Jaye gave him a look.

"To be fair it was a long time ago," Dial Tone said.

"A real long time ago," Mainframe blinked. "Wait…What year is this? How old is this unit?"

"Holy crap how old are we?" Dial Tone realized.

"Swabbies I find that if you ignore questions like that it just makes your life easier," Shipwreck waved. "Who's up for pool and some booze?"

"I'm in," Mainframe sighed.

"Yeah I guess there's not much else we can do today," Duke blinked. "Wait…How long have we been here?"

Back to Cobra's Meeting in the present time…(Whenever that is)

"In hindsight I should have not only paid for the paint job but waited on that," Cobra Commander sighed. "But I really wanted to impress my guests at the party!"

"Oh they were impressed all right," Destro folded his arms. "Especially when some of the hired help decided to attack them!"

"I'd like to once again remind all of you that it was not my idea to have some of our previously living staff serve at the party in order to cut down on costs!" Mindbender snapped. "Plus I specifically said that there was a slight chance that the nanobots inside them could be transferred via bodily fluid contact."

"Yeah having some of our zombie janitors serve appetizers at the party wasn't exactly the smartest move you made Cobra Commander," Torch snapped.

"First of all technically they weren't all zombies!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Most of them were already alive just infected with nanobots that control their minds and free will! Only a couple were Nano Zombies. And secondly how was I supposed to know they were gonna start biting people?"

"HELLO!" Monkeywrench yelled. "THEY'RE ZOMBIES!"

"Of course they're gonna bloody bite people! That's what they do!" Buzzer groaned.

"Even the Dreadnoks could figure it out!" Destro pointed.

"Exactly!" Torch agreed. "And even we knew it was a dumb idea to have some of those Nano Zombies as party favors!"

"What kind of party favors?" Zandar did a double take.

"What kind do you think? Doesn't anyone watch those true Hollywood society things on the E Network?" Torch groaned.

"Yeah watch a little more TV!" Buzzer snapped. "You might learn something!"

"I still don't get it," Zandar said.

"Neither do…Oh my God I just did!" Destro gasped. "Commander! You didn't!"

"Did what?" Zandar asked.

"Use some of the Nano Zombies as hookers and…" Torch said exasperated.

"Oh okay I get it now. Ewwww!" Zandar winced.

"Double Ewww!" Monkeywrench groaned. "Hello? Zombies infect people with bites and transmission of bodily…"

"That's enough!" Destro interrupted. "And I agree the proper term is…Ewww!"

"I admit we Dreadnoks are disgusting but even we wouldn't do that!" Torch said.

"A rather high bar for standards indeed," Destro said. "But even I have to agree with them on this!"

"Okay so maybe we all had a few missteps," Cobra Commander sighed. "A few minor hiccups. A few turns left when we should have turned right…"

"Like those people who turned left down that dead end in the building and got cornered by Nano Zombies," Torch remarked. "They definitely should have turned right."

"I'll have nightmares of that Nano Zombie rampage for years," Zandar groaned.

"Not to mention the cleanup," Destro groaned. "We lost thirty men in the battle to destroy and get those things under control. And ten more when they just up and quit during the fight. Not that I blame them."

"Ugh can't we just go back to our rooms and forget this whole weekend ever happened?" The Baroness groaned.

"Shouldn't be that hard for you," Zarana quipped. "Since you were plastered during most of it!"

"Well I am in agreement," Mindbender sighed. "We should just cut our losses and…"

The sound of a commotion and gunfire was heard. "Now what?" Cobra Commander groaned.

"Cobra Commander! We have a problem!" Zero ran in. He was wearing a helmet and his arm was in a sling.

"When don't we have a problem?" Cobra Commander groaned.

"Remember those two high rollers that died because of the bad shrimp a while ago?" Zero asked.

"Yes…" Destro said hesitantly.

"Turns out they were part of the Yakuza with ties to a ninja clan and…" Zero began.

THWACK!

"AAAH!" Everyone shouted as a throwing star imbedded itself into Zero's helmet.

"What the? Ooh good thing I had this helmet on!" Zero gulped. Then another throwing star imbedded itself into Zero's good arm. "OWWW!"

"Ah crap…" Cobra Commander groaned. "I hate it when things like this happen!"

"A rogue ninja attack always does put a damper on your week doesn't it?" Destro asked sarcastically.