Resident Idiots II
"I told you there were still some bugs in the system!" Mindbender yelled at Cobra Commander as the Cobras crawled through the ventilation shaft.
"A zombie outbreak is not a bug in the system!" Cobra Commander yelled over his shoulder. "A bug in the system implies a small thing! What you have is a freaking elephant in your system!"
"Shut up and keep crawling!" Destro yelled as he crawled ahead of Cobra Commander. "We're lucky we managed to make it into the air shaft before those zombies broke into our office!"
"And even luckier these air shafts are big enough to crawl in," Zartan said. "Although with the Baroness that may not be big enough." Zartan was crawling after Torch who was crawling behind the Baroness.
"Remind me to kill you if we get out of this alive Zartan," The Baroness snapped. She was crawling after Mindbender.
"I don't mind the view," Torch quipped. "I like big butts and I cannot lie…"
"I am so going to shoot you as well Torch!" The Baroness shouted.
"Just shut up and keep crawling!" Destro yelled.
"No, an elephant isn't big enough to describe this mess!" Cobra Commander went on. "You have a blue whale in the system! A big giant blue whale eating up our programs like krill…"
"We get the analogy," Destro groaned.
"Just don't panic," Ripper spoke up. "I'm sure this isn't the first time we've survived a zombie outbreak."
"I think it is," Zarana said as she crawled after Ripper.
"Really? Are you sure?" Ripper asked. "I could have sworn we had a situation similar to this."
"I have no idea, mate," Torch said. "The decades are kind of one big blur to me."
"I thought we had that happened too," Monkeywrench said. "Which is weird since we've had pretty much everything else happen to us."
"Technically we have just not on a level this big," Mindbender admitted.
"It's kind of strange," Torch said. "I mean we've had mutants, dinosaurs, robots, cyborgs, wild animals, mutated people turned into wild animals, ghosts, aliens…"
"The aliens were us in disguise you idiot," Zartan said.
"I'm not so sure. Remember my theory about those Egyptian Gods we ran into?" Destro spoke up.
"What? That they're really aliens living in a different dimension on a higher plane of existence?" Torch spoke up. "And that they influenced ancient Egyptian society?"
"You can't remember your own bloody name but you remember that?" Zartan snapped.
"It just sort of stuck in my head," Torch admitted.
"Must be a very lonely thought," Ripper groaned.
"Well you have to admit the theory is a little less far-fetched than those beings were actual gods!" Mindbender snapped.
"Since when are aliens less far-fetched than actual Gods!" Monkeywrench snapped. "Not everybody believes in just one god you know!"
"Here we go," Zandar groaned.
"Monkeywrench no one is slandering your belief in…Whatever the hell you believe in," Zartan groaned.
"The Rainbow Serpent bloody exists!" Monkeywrench snapped. "It's not just a coincidence that the story of the great serpent that creates floods and rivers is told throughout all Australia!"
"We had a rainbow serpent god in Cobra La," Cobra Commander spoke up. "Rai Gi'it. He's the gay brother of the Serpent God of Storms. He is the god of Prosperity, Generosity, Music and Interior Decorating."
"What a shock," Destro drawled.
"Little known cultural fact, Cobra La doesn't have the same hang ups you apes do about sexuality," Cobra Commander went on.
"I believe it," The Baroness grumbled. "I know what your idea of a fun Saturday night is."
"Look I may be straighter than Charlie Sheen at a porn star convention but where I come from if someone was gay it wasn't that big a deal," Cobra Commander said. "In fact in some circles being gay was a blessing. True fact, to be a member of the High Priests, you had to be a gay male. And vice versa for the High Priestesses."
"Really?" Zarana asked.
"Yeah since they both served the royal court they figured out that a gay priest serving the queen and a lesbian priestess serving the king would cut down on accidents if you get my drift," Cobra Commander said. "And it work. For Clerical Class at least."
"You know I had a cousin that worked as a faith healer using snakes," Mindbender added.
"Isn't this the same cousin who was arrested for twenty five counts of murder when his snakes got let loose and bit an entire congregation consisting of people who were suing him for ripping them off?" Zarana asked.
"I said he worked as a faith healer," Mindbender corrected. "I didn't say he had any faith."
"As fascinating as it has been discussing religions of maniacs from all over the world…" Destro groaned. "I think we've finally reached the light at the proverbial end of the tunnel. Actually it's a literal light at the end of the tunnel."
He opened up the vent and stuck his head out. Only to get whacked in the head by a pillow. "WHAT THE DEVIL?"
"A pillow? Really Road Pig?" Tomax snapped. He, Vapor and Xamot were also in the room.
"Technically it was me," Road Pig's other personality Donald spoke up. "And it was the only weapon I could find!"
"What about your gun? Or your knife!" Xamot snapped.
"Oh yeah…" Donald realized. "Wait why didn't you guys shoot?"
"Uh we sort of…JUST KILL THE ZOMBIE YOU IDIOT!" Xamot shouted.
"It's just us you idiots!" Destro snapped as he crawled out.
"Oh thank God," Donald groaned.
Then he switched to his other personality. "Wh-what are you l-lot doing in the ventilation system?"
"We thought it was such a lovely day we'd go take a stroll through them," Cobra Commander said sarcastically as he crawled out. "WHY DO YOU THINK YOU MORON?"
"When we saw the Nano Zombies rampaging through the casino we ran up here to the control room," Xamot indicated all the monitors. "It's the most secure room in the building."
"Oh yes, hole yourself up in a room and wait for help," Torch scoffed as he came out. "Great plan! That always works in horror films!"
"Well I didn't hear you coming up with any ideas!" Destro snapped.
"You never want to hear my ideas," Torch said.
"That's because they all suck!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Calm down Cobra Commander," Zero spoke up. "The important thing now is that we are all safe in here."
"HELP! LET ME IN! LET ME IN!" There was a banging on the door.
"Who the…?" Zarana went to the monitors and looked at the camera pointed outside the door. "Zanzibar?"
"LET ME IN! I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!" Zanzibar yelled as he pounded the door.
"He's still out there?" Tomax said.
"We didn't know," Xamot remarked.
"I HELD THE DOOR OPEN FOR YOU JERKS AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?" Zanzibar screamed.
"You can hear us?" Zarana said.
"There's a microphone right near the camera! Of course I can hear you!" Zanzibar shouted. "Now let me in before one of those stupid bloody zombies show up!"
"Oh too bad," Zartan said. "There's not enough time to open the door and let you in."
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S NOT ENOUGH TIME TO OPEN THE DOOR?" Zanzibar yelled. "THERE'S PLENTY OF TIME! THE ZOMBIES AREN'T EVEN ON THIS FLOOR!"
"It's a shame we couldn't save dear old Uncle Zanzibar," Zartan sighed.
"YES YOU CAN!" Zanzibar yelled.
"Gonna miss him," Zandar sighed. "I wonder if he had a will?"
"Probably not. That bloke was so broke…" Zarana went on.
"STOP TALKING ABOUT ME IN THE PAST TENSE! I'M STILL HERE!" Zanzibar yelled.
"Not for long," Torch snickered.
"I HEARD THAT!"
"Okay so what do we do now?" The Baroness asked.
"YOU CAN START BY LETTING ME IN BEFORE I GET EATEN ALIVE!" Zanzibar screamed.
"We can't let you in," Zartan said. "If we did the Nano Zombies would get in too."
"THERE ARE NO NANO ZOMBIES ON THIS FLOOR!" Zanzibar snapped. "THE ELEVATOR WAS SHUT DOWN!"
PING!
"What the…?" Zanzibar did a double take as the elevator opened. A female Nano Zombie staggered out.
"Oops," Zandar said sarcastically as his fingers were over the controls to the elevator. "I accidentally activated that elevator. What a shame."
"Now there are Nano Zombies on the floor," Zartan said. "Guess it's too late to save him. Right guys?"
"Yeah he's a goner," Cobra Commander waved.
"No chance at all," The Baroness said.
"Dibs on his parking spot!" Torch called out.
"Should we have a funeral or….?" Zarana asked.
"As long as there's an open bar I wouldn't mind going," Mindbender remarked.
"You'd go to the opening of a Starbucks if there was free drinks in it for you!" Destro remarked.
"Hey! You do know that Starbucks is starting to sell alcohol in some of their select stores right?" Torch said.
"Really?" Cobra Commander remarked. "I did not know that."
"It's true," Torch nodded.
"And what's wrong with Starbucks anyway?" Mindbender snapped. "They have some really good drinks and pastries."
"Maybe we could have the funeral at a Starbucks?" Buzzer suggested.
"WILL YOU BASTARDS SHUT UP AND HELP ME?" Zanzibar pounded on the door.
"Just run away! Zombies are pretty slow anyway!" Ripper called out.
Just then the female Nano Zombie tackled Zanzibar with the grace of a linebacker. "Or I could be wrong about that…" Ripper blinked.
"Guess there's not going to be that much in the casket with the zombie eating him," Torch said.
"Hang on. She's not eating him she's…" Destro did a double take. "She's making out with him!"
"EWWWWWWWWW!" Monkeywrench, Ripper, Viper, Zero and Torch winced.
"Well I suppose it is the only way Zanzibar could get a date," Donald spoke up.
"Oh what the hell?" Zanzibar groaned when he started to make out with the female Nano Zombie as well.
"THAT IS DISGUSTING!" Cobra Commander shouted.
"Oh like you wouldn't do her if you had the chance," Mindbender rolled his eyes.
"No, I mean the fact that she's kissing Zanzibar," Cobra Commander corrected.
"Oh I see what you mean," Mindbender nodded. "That is disturbing."
"Hey guys take a look at what's going on the monitors," Vapor pointed. "The Nano Zombie horde isn't killing anyone."
"What do you mean they aren't killing anyone?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"I mean exactly that," Vapor said. "No one is being killed. No one they catch is dead. Or sort of undead. Watch."
The monitors showed the Nano Zombies all over the casino. Several were eating food and drinking whatever alcoholic beverage they could get. Some were dancing on tables. Others were making out with each other.
"So they're not killing anybody but they're eating all our food," Zartan blinked. "Drinking all our alcohol and making out with anyone they catch. That's just weird."
"It's like a deranged nightmare," The Baroness said.
"Or Tina Belcher's fantasy," Torch spoke up. Everyone looked at him. "You know? Tina Belcher? From Bob's Burgers? It's a really good show. It just won an Emmy for best Animated Program. Come on! H. Jon Benjamin is the star of it!"
Everyone looked at Torch again. "H. Jon Benjamin?" Torch was exasperated. "One of the best voice actors of our generation? From Dr. Katz? Home Movies? Family Guy? He's the voice of Sterling Archer for crying out loud!"
"Any-way…" Destro decided to change the subject. "At least the Nano Zombies aren't killing anyone they're capturing."
"I'd rather they killed people!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Some undead army you created Mind-Bungler!"
"Again! As I said before, there are still few bugs in the system!" Mindbender snapped. "I just have to figure out what went wrong in their programming! I don't understand it! I did a full system scan this morning on the computer!"
"Uh just out of curiosity which computer was that?" Donald spoke up.
"Is it—it n-next to the big y-yellow one with the v-video game on it?" Road Pig added.
"Video game? What video game?" Mindbender asked. "That yellow control panel is the Nano Zombie programming system. I made it yellow so it would be easy to find."
"Uh oh…" Monkeywrench gulped.
"What was that uh oh for?" Destro picked up on it. "What did you mean by uh oh?"
"And you lot aren't even allowed in my lab after the incident with the exploding synthoids and the peanut butter!" Mindbender snapped. "How did you know what that machine looked like?"
"I know what happens when I say 'uh oh'," Destro snapped. "It means something I did has gone wrong. What did you do?"
"Boys…" Zarana growled. "You got some 'splaining to do!"
"We thought it was a Walking Dead video game!" Ripper called out.
"I told you lot not to touch it!" Donald spoke up.
Road Pig then snapped. "Shut up!"
"No! I said not to play with it!" Donald told his alternate personality. "But you and the others had to try it!"
"Oh my God! I should have known!" The Baroness yelled.
"Now the picture is getting clearer," Cobra Commander groaned. "A little too clear!"
"N-nice g-going Donald!" Road Pig snapped. "You got us in trouble!"
"It's your fault!" Donald snapped. He then started slapping himself with both hands. "Your fault! Your fault! Quit it! You quit it! OW!"
"Got to admit those two in one body are like a time saver as well as entertaining," Zartan sighed. "They beat each other up so you don't have to."
"It's like a less violent version of Bette and Dot," Torch groaned.
"Who?" Cobra Commander gave him a look.
"Seriously guys? Am I the only one around here with his finger on the pulse that is Popular Culture?" Torch spat. "Watch TMZ or the E! Network sometime! You'll learn something!"
"Okay here is what we are going to do," Destro spoke up. "Mindbender you and I will make our way to the lab through the air vents with Torch and Road Pig to fix the Nano Zombie control panel."
"You want us to come with you to show you what we did?" Torch asked.
"Show us. Throw you to the zombies as bait so we can escape, whatever," Destro waved. "Xamot, Tomax. You take the rest of the Dreadnoks to the Armory and get weapons and be prepared to destroy the Nano Zombies if for some reason we can't shut them down."
"Why do we have to do it?" Tomax snapped.
"Because you guys are the most expendable!" Zero snapped.
"Can't argue with that logic," Cobra Commander shrugged.
"Commander you and the others stay here and defend this control base," Destro said. "Just make sure all the doors and escape routes are locked. The last thing we need is for the Nano Zombies to…"
SMASH! CRASH! SMASH!...
"Escape from the building and infect the general population of the island," Destro blinked as some Nano Zombies smashed through the windows downstairs and left the building.
"Okay so only a few zombies escaped," Mindbender began. "That's no reason to panic and…"
"Uh oh…" Zero blinked. "Looks like some of the Nano Zombies have figured out how to override the door locks."
"WHAT?" Cobra Commander shouted.
"And check out the garage…" Zero pointed to another camera. "Several of them have hot-wired some cars and…"
VRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Looks like they're going on a drink run," The Baroness blinked.
"Apparently the stereotype about zombies being mindless is completely unfounded," Destro blinked.
"Oh that is definitely going to be a problem," Mindbender winced.
"Great. Just what this casino needs," Cobra Commander grumbled. "More bad publicity."