Operation Kumquat Is A Go
"All right time to go to work," Cobra Commander sighed. He then walked into the conference room where the members of Cobra High Command were.
"Let's get this over with," Zartan groaned as he looked slightly hung over.
"You wish!" The Baroness snapped.
"Settle down Baroness! I promise you will have plenty of opportunities to bash Zartan during the meeting," Cobra Commander said as he sat down.
"That's all I ask," The Baroness folded her arms.
"Good," Cobra Commander nodded. "First of all I'd like to address the incident yesterday involving the Dreadnoks, the jet on the freeway and the minor firefight with the local police. First of all I am glad to say that due to the increase of bribes the charges have been dropped and the authorities have been convinced that yesterday's little snafu was merely a scene shot for a movie gone a little awry."
"See! I told you it was a good idea to bring that camera truck!" Zero said proudly. "And I got some great footage. We can use it in our next porn video project. Or DVD project. Or some other project."
"Speaking of projects can we get on with the Zartan bashing?" The Baroness spoke up. "I have a lot of material to insult for the Dazed and Confused Dreadnok."
"We're getting there," Cobra Commander told her. "The bad news of course is that we have to pay more money to the local authorities. Thank you very much Zartan."
"It was my idiot Dreadnoks!" Zartan protested. "They gave me those brownies! How was I supposed to know they had pot in them?"
"The same way you are supposed to know that rabid trash eating raccoons make lousy pets," The Baroness snapped. "It's just a given!"
"Actually I believe rabid trash eating raccoons would be a step up to the Dreadnoks," Tomax snickered.
"But even for your lot Zartan you went too far!" Xamot agreed.
"Personally he didn't go far enough," The Baroness added. "Like into the ocean. I hear the Marianas Trench is lovely this time of year!"
"You people really aren't going to let this go are you?" Zartan groaned.
"What do you think Buzz Marley?" The Baroness snapped. "Your little joyride with Mary Jane cost our operation money!"
"Oh like I'm the only one?" Zartan snapped. "How many times have you lot gotten drunk? You and the Commander each go through a vat of wine a day and you're okay with that?"
"That's because we don't drive a jet down a freaking highway like a stoner on a road trip for munchies!" The Baroness snapped.
"This is a bigger island than I thought," Zero remarked.
"And what the hell made you think that the police station was a Taco Bell?" The Baroness snapped.
"The place is painted orange and yellow! It's an honest mistake to make while you're stoned!" Zartan yelled.
"And this island is a bit weirder than I thought," Zero added.
"The point is thanks to the Doobie Dreadnoks we need to find ways to increase revenue," Cobra Commander went on. "That's why…"
"We're having another meeting!" Everyone else said at the same time.
"What kind of terrorists are we that we spend more time in the boardroom than the field?" Destro moaned.
"We don't even go out in the field much anymore!" The Baroness snapped. "Has anyone else noticed that all we seem to do is spend time in pointless meetings?"
"I have noticed that," Mindbender admitted.
"You do have a point," Cobra Commander admitted. "We haven't really had that many opportunities to cause terrorism. Well besides yesterday."
"And a few weeks ago with the zombie apocalypse and mutated marijuana plants," Mindbender spoke up.
"But those were more accidents than deliberate acts of terrorism," Cobra Commander pointed out. "We need to do something. Something original and shocking! Think people! And no blowing up schools or monuments or religious buildings. That's been overdone and it's passé now."
Mindbender raised his hand. "Anyone besides Doctor Mindbender?" Cobra Commander groaned. "No? No one? Zartan? Nothing from you? So much for the theory that drugs enhance creativity. All right Mindbender you have the floor."
"I know this sounds like a repeat but hear me out," Mindbender spoke up. "Remember that experimental fuel we used to use giant vegetables to take over Chicago? I still have the formula! Why not use that to attack another city?"
"Again it's been done," Destro said. "And we failed!"
"Yes but no one else has even tried to do that!" Mindbender said.
"Because we failed!" Destro snapped.
"That was your plan wasn't it Destro?" Zartan asked twisting the knife.
"It's a Cobra Classic!" Mindbender said.
"A classic failure!" Destro snapped.
"Which was your idea," Zartan called out.
"We don't have to actually succeed in taking over a city! Just cause some madness and panic!" Mindbender waved. "In fact we hit several cities at the same time all over the world on the same day! Just to tell the world, hey! Cobra's not only back! We never left!"
"Oh come on!" Zarana groaned.
"Any idiot can attack a city with guns and bombs!" Mindbender protested. "It takes real vision to attack a city with a thousand foot giant potato!"
"He's right," Cobra Commander realized.
"He's crazy and dates his own experiments!" Destro shouted.
"But he's also right!" Cobra Commander snapped. "This is exactly what we need! We need to show the world that Cobra thinks beyond the box! That we are so beyond the box that no other terrorist agency can touch us!"
"Or wants to…" Destro sighed.
One week later…
"Yes! Yes! This feels good! This feels right!" Cobra Commander cackled from his chair in the command center. Several lackeys were running around or stationed at monitors ready and waiting for the mayhem to commence.
"This feels familiar," Destro sighed. He stood with the Baroness at his side next to the Commander's chair. "Unfortunately."
"Oh put a sock in it Destro Downer!" Cobra Commander snapped. "This is a good day! Cobra is getting our name back out there!"
"Why he here?" Destro pointed to Torch who was sitting at one of the control panels.
"Zartan insisted on letting one of his gang of idiots stay in the control room for some reason and this idiot won the prize!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"That was just an excuse to get rid of me," Torch shrugged. "I'm surprised you fell for that Cobra Commander. How much did you have to drink when he said that?"
"It doesn't matter!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Wow that much huh?" Torch remarked.
"Can we just get on with this?" The Baroness groaned.
"Good idea, are all our operatives in place?" Destro asked.
"Yes they are!" Torch said proudly. "All the Dreadnoks and other Cobra agents are in their target cities!"
"Then tell them to commence the destruction! Operation Kumquat is a go!" Cobra Commander cried out.
"Isn't a Kumquat a fruit?" Destro asked.
"Yes but we're branching out!" Cobra Commander snapped. "We're not just using vegetables anymore. Anything that's green and grows we're using! We're terrorizing fifteen cities all over the world! We need variety!"
"What we really need is a sober leader with more than one brain cell," Destro grumbled under his breath.
"What was that Destro?" Cobra Commander asked angrily.
"I said what we need is to boldly lead the world down the path to Hell," Destro said quickly. "Wait that's not much better."
"Never mind!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I'm too excited to deal with your insubordination now. Any second now cities all over the world will be knee deep in chaos! Armageddon! And destruction! LIKE BOSTON! Show me Boston! On the screen!"
Cobra Commander stood proudly for two seconds. "Where the hell is Boston? All I see is white! Damn it! Don't tell me we have communication problems or something?"
"Hello? Hello?" Buzzer's voice was heard. A gloved hand popped out of a huge snowdrift. "Where the bloody hell is everyone? I can't see a bloomin' thing in this blizzard!"
"Oh right…" Destro realized. "It's winter in New England. I forgot."
"That's not a communication problem is it?" Cobra Commander groaned.
"No it is not," Destro sighed. "Isn't he supposed to be in Copley Square?"
"I think that is Copley Square," The Baroness remarked.
"It looks like bloody Siberia!" Torch barked. "Wait what about the plants?"
"There's a blizzard going on you fool!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Even our plants can't grow in the middle of blizzard!"
"Technically Commander I believe that is a Nor'Easter…" Destro remarked.
"What the hell is the difference?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"I think it's a blizzard that comes from the north east," Torch remarked. "Bloody hell I think I just saw some lightning!"
"Ah that is thunder snow," Destro nodded.
"Hello? Can someone send me a bloody dog sled so I can get out of here?" Buzzer cried out.
"Cut the transmission from Boston," Destro sighed.
"Hello? Help! Guys don't leave me!" Buzzer shouted. "I think my hands are froz-…" The transmission was shut off.
"Okay so Boston is a no go!" Cobra Commander snapped. "We knew there were going to be some minor hiccups! That's why we went with multiple cities all over the world instead of just one!"
"Let's move onto New York," Destro sighed. "Oh wait…"
"BRRRRRR! COLD! TOO COLD!" Ripper was bundled up head to toe and frozen on screen.
"I see the problem with New York. Same as Boston. Fine! The Eastern Seaboard was a long shot anyway!" Cobra Commander waved. "Let's go to the other cities! Chicago! Once again the Windy City will taste the fruits of…OH COME ON!"
"Boy this is really a bad winter isn't it?' Zero remarked as another image of a snow covered city was shown.
"Damn you global warming!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"But it's not warm," Torch said. "According to the temperature it's below…"
"Global warming doesn't just refer to temperatures rising you twit!" Cobra Commander snapped. "It's like when you get drunk at a heavy metal concert! It goes both ways!"
"BLOODY HELL!" Monkeywrench was heard amidst the white. "WHAT DID THE ICE AGE COME BACK AND NOBODY TOLD ME?"
"Wow. So glad that's not me," Torch chuckled.
"Well there is some terror and despair and chaos being thrown around," Destro sighed. "The problem is that it's not Cobra that's doing it."
"Let's go to another city! LA!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Let's go to Los Angeles! Come in Mindbender! Mindbender!"
"Uh yes," Mindbender was coughing on screen.
"How goes the attack?" Cobra Commander asked.
"I'm not going to lie," Mindbender sighed. "It could be better."
"What's wrong now?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Apparently the smog has been really bad lately and somehow is inhibiting the growth of…" Mindbender coughed as he checked the instruments. "Not to mention there's a drought going on and it's really dry…"
"OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"It's not my fault! I didn't create these conditions!" Mindbender snapped.
"Let's try another city shall we?" Destro sighed. "We have eleven other cities left! Try one of them!"
"Houston, Texas! Let's try that one!" Torch suggested.
"It seems Torch's single brain cell is working," Destro agreed. "Bring up Houston, Texas!"
"Oh see! There! I can see the giant potatoes in the middle of the…" Cobra Commander began. "HOLY CRAP WHAT ARE THOSE PEOPLE DOING?"
"They're swarming all over those giant potatoes and cutting them to pieces," Torch said. "And throwing the cuttings into a lot of deep fryers!"
"I CAN SEE THAT YOU FOOL!" Cobra Commander shouted.
"Well then why did you ask?" Torch asked him.
"Remind me again why I can't just shoot him?" Cobra Commander asked Destro.
"Honestly? I have no idea," Destro smirked. "Would you like me to do the honors or…?"
"Hey guys! Hello?" Zero was shown on screen. "Yeah we kind of ran into a problem in Texas. There's this state fair going on and for some reason they ran out of food."
"Really? I can see a couple thousand pounds of reasons why they ran out of food behind you!" Cobra Commander snapped. "My god I knew America had a weight problem…"
"Well it's not all them," Zero pointed out. "There's also some kind of college basketball rivalry going on too at the same time so…The giant food isn't scaring them. In fact in Texas they're used to big food. So big potatoes…"
"I thought it was Idaho that had the big potatoes?" Torch blinked.
"Brought down by the gullet of the American consumer…" Cobra Commander moaned. "My plans ruined! Ruined like half the waistlines of America! It's my own fault! I should have known that food could never bring this country down!"
"There's still ten other cities around the world," The Baroness said. "Let's check on those. Odds are one of them has to be in complete chaos by now!"
"Let's try Paris," Destro suggested. "You love causing chaos in Paris!"
"Fine!" Cobra Commander sighed. "Put Paris on the screen."
"Oh wow! Look at that giant tangerine go!" Torch whooped. "Ha ha! It ran over some mimes!"
"All right I admit that's amusing," Cobra Commander perked up.
"HA HA! It went splat right on the Louvre!" Torch laughed.
"Only one tangerine? Knowing our luck the French will confuse it for some kind of interpretive art piece!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"True but look at the mess it made," Destro said encouragingly. "And those mimes look pretty squashed."
"Well it's something," Cobra Commander sighed. "Let's go to London next."
To his shock there was a picture of Zandar, Zartan and some unknown Cobra soldiers in civilian clothes sitting in an airport. "WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE NOT IN POSITION?" Cobra Commander screamed.
"Uh funny story…" Zandar gulped.
"Well you know how the weather has been so bad recently? We just can't get off the ground!" Zartan shrugged. "Except for Zarana none of us has been able to get to Europe. And that's only because she managed to finagle her way onto a private jet with some rich bozo."
"That and the fact that Zartan got us all on the no-fly list," One of the Cobra soldiers spoke up.
"SHUT UP!" Zartan shouted.
"WHAT?" Cobra Commander shouted.
"Zartan was bringing some brownies aboard and one of the police dogs…" Zandar began. He then saw something. "Uh oh…"
"We'll call you back," Zandar gulped as calls for them to stop in the name of the law were heard. They shut off the feed.
"I knew it," The Baroness sniffed. "I knew the Dreadnoks would blow it but I didn't think they'd blow it that badly!"
"I'm guessing Operation Kumquat is a failure huh?" Torch asked.
"Great. Today it's Torch's turn to have the brain cell!" Destro groaned.
"I am surrounded by morons…" Cobra Commander slunk into his seat and started crying.