The Definition of Irony
"All right you menagerie of morons!" Cobra Commander stood before his command team and the Dreadnoks in the conference room. "I realize we have had our share of…Let's call it what it is, complete and utter screw-ups since we started this venture! But no more! We are COBRA! It's time we put the terror back in terrorism!"
"YEAH!" The Cobras shouted with glee.
"For too long we've been screwing around with half-assed idiotic plans when we should have stuck with a very simple solution!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Global domination through economic means! Hell it works for the billionaires of the world, why not us?"
"YEAH!" The Cobras again shouted.
"Now three days ago we failed miserably at just doing something that we had already tried before!" Cobra Commander said.
"Which I said was a bad idea," Destro said.
"Thank you very much Henry Hindsight!" Cobra Commander snapped. "The point is we're going to start over again! We already have a casino and a secret base! And several weapons and a lab."
"Not to mention that large ship that can turn into a submarine we stole," Mindbender added.
"Yes Mindbender, I remember that!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Just thought I'd remind you," Mindbender spoke up.
"We nearly spent a year at sea being homeless on that thing!" Cobra Commander snarled. "Kind of hard to forget!"
"Then technically we weren't homeless now were we?" Mindbender asked. "We lived on the ship. It was technically our home."
"Yes Mindbender. Fine…" Cobra Commander took a deep breath. "Anyway we have an assortment of weapons and vehicles at our disposal…"
"Including the ship that can turn into a submarine," Mindbender added.
"Including the ship that can turn into a submarine," Cobra Commander grumbled.
"Which I have restocked and refueled just in case for emergencies!" Mindbender said cheerfully.
"Good for you Paul Preparedness!" Cobra Commander snarled. "Now as I was saying…"
"I even made it a little bigger and more fuel efficient," Mindbender added. "It now runs on a special fuel made from algae! So we are no longer dependent on fossil fuels. Which if you think about it, is a real budget saver…"
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ANGLING FOR? A GOD DAMN MEDAL?" Cobra Commander screamed.
"No, but a little acknowledgement would go a long way," Mindbender shrugged.
"Well that is all you are going to get," Cobra Commander snapped. "Very little acknowledgement!"
"All I am saying is that if something happens, Evil God forbid…" Mindbender went on. "We're prepared to make a speedy getaway."
"Good for you!" Cobra Commander snarled.
"It's at Dock 7," Mindbender said. "The underground one."
"ARE YOU DONE?" Cobra Commander snapped.
Mindbender thought for a moment. "Yes. Yes I am."
"Fine…If Admiral Admiration over here is finished I will continue!" Cobra Commander snarled. "As I was saying. Global domination through economic means. Stockpiling weapons. Using the casino as a stepping stone for world domination…Yada, yada, yada…I lost my train of thought thanks to the captain of the Ship of Fools but you get the picture. Now any new business? Yes Destro?"
"I'd like to acknowledge that it probably was a good idea for Mindbender to restock and refuel our ship and prepare it for a getaway," Destro spoke up.
"Thank you Destro," Mindbender said. He glared at Cobra Commander. "See? Is that too much to ask?"
"God knows our luck with bases never lasts," Destro groaned. "And sooner or later we are going to have to flee for our lives from GI Joe."
"I know. It says something when the chicken restaurant one was one of our longest and best kept secrets," The Baroness groaned. "Five years of greasy hell."
"Seemed longer to me," Zarana added.
"Well this is a much better secret base!" Cobra Commander snapped. "And ten times more profitable than the last one!"
"Couldn't have been less profitable than a failing chicken shack," Tomax grumbled.
"How did Mongoose Incorporated ever manage to not only revamp it…?" Xamot asked.
"But make it one of the most successful ventures in the past ten years in the restaurant business?" Both Xamot and Tomax asked.
"Oh God I'd almost forgotten about them wankers," Torch groaned. "Bunch of turncoats they are! And before anyone mentions it, yeah I do see the irony of me saying that!"
"You actually know what irony is?" Destro asked.
"Yes I know what irony is!" Torch snapped. "It is a twist in what people actually think will happen as parallel to actual events that do happen! Often comical and coincidental. You know? Like you and the Baroness breaking up with each other? Ending your dumb stupid relationship for the hundredth time because you both thought you could do better than each other…"
"Yes Torch I…" Destro coughed.
"Only to end up with not only two very similar partners to yourselves," Torch went on. "Who were like the two of you in almost every way…Which even a blind man could have seen but you couldn't…"
"We remember Torch…" The Baroness sighed.
Torch went on. "They were also actually married to each other at one point and had kids! So the irony is that not only did you end up with almost the exact same person you left, those people had a 'what if' kind of relationship if you two actually did tie the knot and the Baroness got knocked up?"
"Now that's irony," Zartan snorted.
"It's a very accurate example," Mindbender was impressed.
"Gotta give it to him," Cobra Commander admitted.
"I also got a good example of farce," Torch said. "Quite a few dozen of them actually. All based on past missions. Including the giant vegetable ones…"
"How do you know about what happened? You weren't even there!" Destro snapped.
"Mindbender and the Twins told me," Torch said. "And showed me a few recordings they made. They are really fun viewings for a rainy day I will tell you! And excellent examples of irony!"
"Yes well English Lessons from Torch is over," Cobra Commander snapped. "As I was saying, today is a new day for Cobra! As of now, our losing streak is over and we will finally be on the right path to rule the world! And nothing is going to stop us! NOTHING!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON NOW?" Cobra Commander shouted.
"Uh Sir," Zero coughed as he looked at a nearby monitor. "You'd better take a look at this."
"God if it isn't one thing it's another around here!" Cobra Commander snarled as he did so. "Uh oh…"
"YO JOE!" Several GI Joes were overrunning the casino. Some were fighting some very confused Cobra employees.
"GI JOE? HOW DID THOSE MANIACS FIND US?" Cobra Commander shouted.
"Wow, that's another good example of irony right there," Torch remarked. "You know Cobra Commander, as you just said nothing was going to stop us? And then immediately after GI Joe attacks? That's irony too!"
"Oh shut up Torch!" Cobra Commander shouted.
"Is that a bloody panda with them?" Zarana pointed to a figure on screen.
"I believe it is," Mindbender blinked.
Indeed it was a panda. A giant panda wearing blue and yellow fighting clothes. "Yo Joe!" The mutant panda shouted as it beat up several Cobra soldiers. "It's payback time!"
"Where did they get a talking panda that…?" Mindbender began. "Oh dear god, I just remembered."
"Mindbender where did you say that ship you restocked was again?" Destro asked in a worried voice.
"Another example of irony!" Torch said cheerfully. "All that mocking you did of Mindbender preparing an escape ship actually seems rather stupid now."
"Oh this day just keeps sucking like a vacuum from Hell!" Cobra Commander snarled.
Thirty minutes and several loud explosions later…
"I can't believe we got away…" Destro groaned as he co-piloted the ship/submarine. At the moment it was a submarine.
"I can't believe we managed to get away in the very same ship we found our secret base in," The Baroness said as she also piloted the ship.
"I can't believe GI Joe not only tracked us down, but destroyed both our secret base and our casino!" Cobra Commander snarled.
"Gee I wonder how they could have found us out?" Destro said sarcastically. "And we hid ourselves so well."
"Are you implying something Destro?" Cobra Commander snarled.
"Actually I was building up to saying it outright," Destro remarked. "It was only a matter of time they found us due to the extreme incompetence and carelessness of this group!"
"Incompetence? Carelessness?" Cobra Commander shrieked. "Name one…"
"How about the rampaging monsters for starters?" Destro interrupted. "The Dreadnoks driving around blasting their guns in the casino? The videotaped knife fights you've been selling on the black market? With you as a guest commentator?"
"Uh…" Cobra Commander began. "Now wait a minute…"
"The zombie janitor squad that rampaged throughout the city?" Destro went on. "The ninja attack? The endless parade of drug lords, criminal kingpins and dictators that have been parading through the casino and partying? Not to mention blowing up the place when they have their little spats!"
"To be fair Destro, some of those were your friends!" Cobra Commander added.
"The nuclear explosion in the bay!" Destro shouted.
"Again that was kind of your fault," Cobra Commander said in a haughty tone. "You were the one who shot off that bomb out the window and…"
"The giant statue of yourself in the lobby!" Destro yelled.
"In hindsight that was rather premature," Cobra Commander coughed.
"The sentient marijuana plants that have been running amok all over this island and getting half of the population high?" Destro snapped.
"Unfortunately I'm in the other half that didn't get high…" Mindbender lamented from the back.
"You're loopy enough without the drugs!" The Baroness snapped.
"No one can prove that was us anyway…" Cobra Commander fidgeted. "There is a theory of genetic mutation…"
"THE SEVEN FOOT TALKING PANDA THAT JUST WALKED OUT OF THIS BASE THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR!" Destro yelled. "AND THEN WALTZED BACK HERE WITH A HORDE OF JOES WITH IT!"
"That one they can prove it was us," Mindbender added.
"We didn't do anything about that?" Cobra Commander did a double take. "Crimson Guard you didn't go after it or send…" He glared at the Crimson twins in the back of the bridge.
"You didn't order us to…" Tomax began. Cobra Commander responded by slapping him and his brother.
"We thought either you or Mindbender were going to handle that!" Xamot added. Again the two were slapped by Cobra Commander.
"Come on! You actually said and I quote…" Tomax began.
"You and Mindbender would handle because you didn't want us to bungle the job!" Xamot snapped.
"Which you did anyway!" Cobra Commander yelled as he slapped them again.
"As entertaining as it is to watch you beat the stuffing out of the twins," Destro turned on the autopilot. "I think it might be more beneficial if we take stock of our situation. Namely who escaped with us?"
"Let's see," Cobra Commander said sarcastically as he pointed at Destro and the Baroness. "There's you two lovebirds over there."
He glared at Mindbender and the Crimson Twins. "The two birdbrains over here with Mind-bungler!"
"WHOOO HOO!" Torch was heard cheering.
"ALL RIGHT! CHEESE WHIZ!" Road Pig was yelling again.
"And judging by the sounds of a preschool gone wrong I'm guessing we have Zartan and all his idiot Dreadnoks with us!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Not all of us are here," Zandar walked into the bridge with Zartan and Zarana. "We left Zanzibar behind."
"Oh what a shame," Zartan quipped.
"And we also left behind Vapor and Zero," Zarana said. "They were right behind Zanzibar when we locked the door…I mean…Oh who am I kidding? We locked the door behind us trapping them in the conference room."
"The Joes probably have them prisoner by now," Zartan shrugged. "If they're not dead. Then again there was a really big explosion so…"
"Eh it's fifty-fifty…" Zandar agreed.
"Oh well I guess this day does have a silver lining after all?" Xamot said cheerfully.
"No big loss," Tomax agreed.
"Kind of dragging our original crew down anyway," Zarana admitted.
"Yeah that's the Dreadnoks' job," The Baroness remarked.
"So other than Zanzibar the Lame all your Dreadnoks are accounted for?" Destro sighed. "Pity."
"So that's all of us?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Actually…" Zartan sighed. "We have one more…"
"Whoa…That was lucky," Major Bludd walked into the command center carrying a bowling ball bag. "I almost didn't make it!"
"What the?" Cobra Commander stunned. "I thought you were already dead! Didn't I kill you?"
"No Commander," Destro sighed. "Remember a few months ago when Zero and Vapor interviewed him on that stupid show they made us watch?"
"Yes. And I distinctly remember shooting him!" Cobra Commander pointed to Major Bludd.
"You only winged me," Major Bludd shrugged.
"Is there anyone else on this voyage of the damned I need to know about?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Well uh…" Major Bludd began. "Technically…"
"WILL YOU LET ME OUT OF HERE YOU CLOD!" A familiar muffled voice was heard.
"I know that voice," Destro blinked. "Oh God no…"
"My thoughts exactly!" Crystal Ball snapped as Major Bludd brought him out. The disembodied ghost head in a crystal ball glared at them. "God I hate E-bay so much!"
"HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET BACK HERE YOU DISEMBODIED DIMWIT?" Cobra Commander screamed.
"It's a long story," Crystal Ball sighed. "Short version, Kwinn does not like to be told he's wrong about something. Or have it rubbed in his face when he's proven to be wrong."
"Let me guess," Destro sighed. "Mongoose Incorporated got sick of you and decided it would be cheaper to make a cartoon version of you as a mascot."
"Pretty much on the nose," Crystal Ball sighed. "Next thing I knew I was in a crate and UPS was picking me up."
"You bought Crystal Ball on E-Bay?" Cobra Commander asked Major Bludd.
"Technically no," Major Bludd said. "My hospital roomie bought him on E-Bay before he passed on. I recognized CB from the old days and grabbed him before my roomie's family got to the hospital to get their mitts on him."
"The man was warned he had a heart problem," Crystal Ball sighed. "What did he think would happen if he ate two buckets of Clucky Extra Fried Chicken in one sitting before the night of his heart surgery?"
"Great…I wonder if it's too late to drop these two off and pick up Zero and Vapor in exchange?" Cobra Commander groaned.
"You were saying something about other people dragging us down?" Zartan looked at his sister.
"What's done is done," Destro sighed. "What we need to do is figure out our next move."
"So…We're homeless once again?" Mindbender sighed.
"Not quite," Cobra Commander said. "I have an old Cobra secret base we can go to!"
"Where?" Destro asked.
"Mexico," Cobra Commander said. "The island of Isla Mujeres."
"The Island of the Women," Mindbender translated. "Great place! Especially for a bunch of guys who want to get laid!"
"Isn't that the island that's near Cuba?" Destro asked.
"Exactly," Cobra Commander nodded. "There's an old Mayan temple that was destroyed during a hurricane on top but underneath I had a secret base built there in the 80's."
"I remember that place," Major Bludd said. "I was the supervisor of the team that built it. Providing security and stuff."
"I don't remember it," Destro frowned.
"That's because he made it in secret," Major Bludd said. "In case you got caught and ratted on him. So he'd have a decent hideout."
"He made a few of them actually," Crystal Ball remarked.
"Why didn't we go there sooner?" Destro asked.
"Because I was keeping them a surprise just in case!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"That and the fact he forgot he still had these bases," Crystal Ball added.
"You want to be shot out of a torpedo tube?" Cobra Commander shouted. "I can arrange that!"
"No, you won't," Crystal Ball snorted. "Because I know where all these bases are. Ghost with psychic powers ring a bell?"
"I'd like to ring your bell but since you're already dead…" Cobra Commander grumbled. "Well what are we waiting for? Destro plot a course to our new base!"
"Tequila!" Mindbender cheered. "What? Like no one else was thinking that?"
"I'm trying to think of reasons of why I'm still with you lot…" Destro grumbled as he went to pilot the ship.