Another Day, Another Voyage of the Damned
Somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean…
"Another day. Another Voyage of the Damned," Destro sighed as he piloted the ship in submarine form towards their destination the following day.
"Oh cheer up Destro," Cobra Commander had joined him on the bridge. "Perhaps it's for the best that we move our base of operations?"
"For the best? Since when is it for the best that we lose a base to GI Joe?' Destro snapped. "Not to mention a lucrative base at that!"
"Well not that lucrative to be honest," Cobra Commander sighed.
"All right. Give it to me straight," Destro sighed. "What happened this time?"
"What makes you think something happened?" Cobra Commander asked.
"The last time you were this calm about losing a base to GI Joe was when it was flooded with radioactive sewage," Destro asked. "So what happened this time?"
"If you must know…" Cobra Commander let out a breath. "I wasn't going to say anything to the others but just before our meeting and running for our lives…I discovered our casino was slightly in the red."
"Define slightly," Destro asked.
"Five million dollars," Cobra Commander admitted.
"Five million dollars?" Destro asked in an icy tone. "In the red?"
"Yes."
"Our casino…" Destro tried to keep his composure. "A business where people willingly give you or throw away large sums of money every day with little persuasion…Was in the red? How the hell did that happen?"
"Turns out there are a lot of expenses into running a casino," Cobra Commander admitted. "Especially when you have to pay your employees."
"Uh huh…"
"I mean we had to convert all the employees that were formerly nano-zombies and quite a few that were synthoids from the whole zombie infestation," Cobra Commander asked. "And it wasn't just salaries. You would not believe how much mandatory health care costs these days!"
"Uh huh…"
"And then of course obviously we had to clean up after the zombie attack and all those other attacks," Cobra Commander added. "That took a huge bite out of the budget."
"Both literally and figuratively I'm guessing," Destro drawled. "Because of the zombies."
"Right," Cobra Commander nodded. "And then of course we had to spend some extra money on advertising and other expenses."
"And by other expenses you mean hookers and alcohol?" Destro asked.
"No hookers. Mostly alcohol," Cobra Commander admitted. "There's some really good expensive Scotch out there."
"I'm aware of that."
"Also got a few things from one of those overpriced catalogs," Cobra Commander admitted. "You know? A couple of robots that clean your floor. A genuine German copper distiller. A really nice wallet that not only organizes your credit card, it's scan proof."
"And you consider being five million dollars in the red only a slight problem?" Destro asked.
"It is compared to the ten million dollars we owe the Russian Mob," Cobra Commander admitted.
"I admit that is a slightly bigger problem," Destro remarked.
"Yeah they only loaned us like seven million dollars when we started this casino but they really nickel and dime you with interest," Cobra Commander remarked.
"I told you not to go to them," Destro said. "And I'm guessing you spent all that money on yourself?"
"No, I didn't Destro! I spent half those millions on the casino," Cobra Commander snapped. "The other half I spent on hookers, alcohol, some new furniture for my bedroom and a seat massager."
"Good to see you have some priorities," Destro quipped.
"By the way we might want to steer clear of Russia for a while," Cobra Commander said. "Or any Russian restaurants. Or Russian neighborhoods."
"I figured as much," Destro sighed. "So fleeing our base being fifteen million dollars in debt…"
"Twenty million," Cobra Commander corrected. "Let's just say I borrowed some money from those adult movie producers. And also the health care costs of some of those adult film stars that got injured or killed on our casino."
"Twenty million dollars in debt," Destro went on. "So even if GI Joe hadn't found us we would have needed to flee for our lives."
"Yes. But I would have had extra time to pack my seat massager so…" Cobra Commander shrugged. "Oh and one more thing…"
"Oh there's more?" Destro said in a mock chipper voice. "I can't wait to hear it!"
"Mindbender just informed me that he had a tiny little whoopsie-daisy in his lab before the meeting," Cobra Commander said. "Long story short…There's a lot of radioactive waste in the basement."
"You call that a little whoopsie-daisy?" Destro barked. "I'd call that a complete and total cock up!"
"It's only a cock up if we still had that base," Cobra Commander corrected. "Since we don't have that base. We don't have to clean it up. Therefore not our problem. Therefore just a whoopsie-daisy."
Destro paused for a moment. "You have a point."
"That's why I wasn't so mad at Mindbender when he told me," Cobra Commander said. "Didn't even yell at him. Oh I gave him an angry glower…."
"Kind of hard to tell with your mask on…" Destro added.
"I think when I took the Scotch in his hand he got the message," Cobra Commander added. "But if you think about it, Mindbender actually did something right. I mean…The Joes are going to be the ones who are going to have to clean up that mess."
"Let them be the ones to deal with the problem," Destro said.
"Exactly," Cobra Commander nodded. "They may have our base but they're the ones who are going to have to use manpower and resources to clean it up! So…We got them back a little."
"You realize they are just going to add a polluting the environment charge to the already long list of our many crimes and misdemeanors?" Destro asked.
"Yeah. Like that's the one thing that's going to really get them angry at us!" Cobra Commander scoffed. "I think we crossed that line a long time ago!"
"I believe that was the time we tried to take over the world with the Weather Dominator."
"Exactly!" Cobra Commander said. "Leaving a toxic mess behind for GI Joe to clean up is like waving a big middle finger right in front of their…"
WHAM!
"What the hell was that?" Cobra Commander shouted as something hit the sub. "Destro you metal headed moron what did you hit?"
"I didn't hit anything!" Destro snapped. "Something hit us!"
"Cobra Commander! We have a problem!" Mindbender ran in with the Baroness.
"Oh really? I hadn't noticed!" Cobra Commander said sarcastically.
"We're under attack!" The Baroness shouted.
"By who? GI Joe?" Cobra Commander snapped. The sub was hit again. "AAAHH!"
"No! By that!" The Baroness brought up the monitor.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?" Cobra Commander screamed as he saw a rather large creature in the monitor. "Mindbender this better not be another one of your stupid experiments!"
"That's not one of mine!" Mindbender protested. "I think…"
"YOU THINK?" The Baroness snapped.
"I've done a lot of experiments over the past three decades!" Mindbender snapped. "Some of them while I was drunk!"
"That explains a lot," Destro grumbled.
"It looks like a Dunkleosteus!" Mindbender gasped. "It is a Dunkleosteus!"
"A what?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Prehistoric fish," Mindbender explained. "Not seen for millions of years! And definitely not one of mine!"
"If you didn't make that how do you know what it is?" Destro snapped.
"I have that Ultimate Angler game in my 3DS," Mindbender explained.
"Of course you do…" Destro moaned. "Well if you didn't make it where the devil did it come from?"
"How should I know?" Mindbender snapped. "I'm not the only mad scientist in the world! One of the others must have either made it or it survived under the sea for millions of years out of sight from mankind!"
"We could have gone a bit longer out of sight with that thing!" The Baroness snarled as the creature attacked. "Why is it attacking us?"
"One of two things," Mindbender said. "It either wants to eat us…"
"That's not going to happen!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Or mate with us," Mindbender added.
"That is definitely not going to happen!" Cobra Commander shouted. "Destro where the devil are the torpedoes on this thing? Or even better, laser cannons!"
"On it," Destro said. "Hang on!" He made a sharp curve.
"Why are you turning around towards that thing?" Cobra Commander screamed.
"Because our laser cannon is in the front of the ship!" Destro snapped.
"That seems like a design flaw to me," Mindbender grumbled.
"Would you like to pilot this ship?" Destro snapped at him.
"I'd like you to blow that thing up before it eats us or makes us go to third base!" Cobra Commander screamed.
"Picky, picky, picky…" Destro grumbled as he fired the lasers.
KAAAAAAAAAAAAAABOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Now it's million year old bait," Cobra Commander sneered.
"Wow those lasers really do their job don't they?" The Baroness remarked.
"At least we've seen the last of…" Cobra Commander did a double take. "HOLY CRAP LOOK AT THE SIZE OFTHAT ONE!"
"Wow that one is even bigger than the first one," Mindbender whistled. "We have to mark this place on the map! I'd love to come back here and grab one for study!"
"How about I just throw you out right now so you can study it?" Cobra Commander shouted. "From the inside of its stomach!"
"I'm good," Mindbender gulped.
"DESTRO GET US OUT OF HERE!" Cobra Commander screamed. "WHILE IT'S EATING THE REMAINS OF THE FIRST ONE!"
"Why do I have to do everything around here?" Destro grumbled. "Oh wait, it's because I'm the only one with more than one working brain cell!"
"Just skip the commentary and get us out of here!" Cobra Commander yelled.
"What do you think I'm doing?" Destro snapped. "Writing the latest script for a Lifetime movie?"
"You couldn't do any worse than the people that already do it," Mindbender remarked. Everyone glared at him. "What? It's a compliment!"
"I'm surrounded by morons…" Cobra Commander moaned.
"Ditto," Destro growled.
A few hours later…
"Finally…" Destro grumbled as he pulled the ship into a hidden harbor inside a cave. "This base better be worth the trip Cobra Commander!"
"Relax Destro!" Cobra Commander waved. "This base will make the casino look like a hole in the wall!"
"That's the same thing you said about the damn chicken restaurant," The Baroness snapped.
"Let's just go and get set up," Cobra Commander waved.
"Bad idea…" Crystal Ball called out.
As they got on deck of the ship Major Bludd blinked. "Looks like we're already set up. I didn't know we had troops here."
"We don't," Destro frowned. "Uh oh…"
"What?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Who are these people?"
"Well let's see…" Destro looked around. "There's a cocaine press over there. Several bricks of cocaine over there. As well as several very angry well-armed men speaking Spanish. Who by the way are threatening to cut our ears off before they kill us. Oh and there's a very large picture over there with someone standing with notorious kingpin El Chapo. So yeah…I'm pretty sure we've stumbled into a cocaine cartel."
"Well that's just great!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I hate it when our bases are infested with cocaine cartels!"
"I hate the fact that this has happened to us before," The Baroness sighed. "Remember the Terror Dome fiasco of 93?"
"Not as bad as the Columbian base disaster of 84," Zartan remarked.
"Or the Mexican City base disasters of 87, 89 and 92," Zarana added. "Although not as bad as the one in 95."
"Well this time we're not losing our base to drug lords!" Cobra Commander snapped. "This is our base and we're taking it back!"
"Here it comes…" Destro sighed. "Cobra Commander's catchphrase…"
Seven and a half minutes later…
"COBRA RETREAT! RETREAT!" Cobra Commander shouted as the ship sped off out of the harbor. "RETREAT!"
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
The ship barely escaped a very large explosion and plume of fire coming out of the cave.
"Called it!" Crystal Ball called out from his bag.
"Oh shut up!" Zartan snapped.
"Well on the bright side since we blew up their boats and half their men they won't be able to follow us," Destro grumbled as he piloted the ship. "Unfortunately that is the only bright side to this."
"Serves 'em right anyway!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Who do they think they are stealing our base?' I tell you! No one has respect for people's property anymore!"
"We're lucky we weren't blown to pieces!" The Baroness snapped.
"So what now oh great leader?" Zarana yelled.
"So a drug cartel moved into our old base and chased us away?" Cobra Commander said to the Cobra crew. "There are other bases we have! How about we head off to Cuba for a few days?"
"How about we find those giant fish again and see if they like the taste of snakes?" Destro grumbled while glaring at Cobra Commander.