This next chapter was co-written by my good friend ColdFusion 180! Just when you thought it was safe to turn on your TV again…
Cobra Persona: Firefly
It seemed like the perfect plan. After a few days of settling into their new headquarters Cobra Commander decided to step up his game. He wanted the world to know that Cobra was back in a big way. A spectacular way.
Unfortunately Cobra Commander forgot the adage to be careful what you wish for.
It was spectacular all right. Spectacularly disastrous. Even by Cobra standards.
"Well that was a disaster!" Destro snapped while trying to rub his temples. His right arm had a bandage around it.
"No, Destro. The Jeb Bush presidential campaign was a disaster. This was a complete and utter farce!" The Baroness snapped irritably as she gingerly touched the bandage on her cheek. All the Cobras were in the conference room wearing heavily damaged clothing.
The Baroness frowned as she took out a compact and looked at herself. "Just look at my hair!"
"Oh, stop being such a drama queen," Mindbender huffed. He was banged and bruised and his pants were torn "At least you have hair."
"Unlike us!" Tomax moaned glancing at his brother. Both he and Xamot were almost as bald as Mindbender as well as severely bruised and battered.
"You've never had hair, Mindbender!" The Baroness snarled. "Even in your high school yearbook pictures you were bald! And twins quite frankly…I'd say your new look is an improvement but…Who am I kidding? A mask is an improvement for you."
"Our hair was our best feature," Xamot winced at the remaining lock on his forehead as he looked in the mirror.
"I thought that was our eyes," Tomax said. He had one remaining lock of hair that looked like a ponytail.
"You two look like Prince Zuko's annoying cousins," Zartan quipped. He also had a bandage on his arm and looked like he had been beaten badly. "Oh God! I'm making bloody cartoon references! I have been with the Dreadnoks too long!"
"Not that I care but where are the Dumb-Knocks?" Destro asked. "I suppose it's too much to hope for that one or more of them perished in the attack?"
"They're fine despite getting banged up," Zartan grumbled. "My brother and sister took them out to get more alcohol and medical supplies."
"Hopefully more alcohol to numb the pain," Destro grumbled. "That was one of the most frightening fights we have ever been in!"
"Not to mention the most vicious," Xamot groaned. "I'm going to have nightmares for years!"
"And this is from a group of people who has fought GI Joe, ninjas, mobsters, monsters, ghosts, dinosaurs, zombies, mutants and ancient Egyptian gods for over thirty years!" Mindbender agreed.
"Okay, so that definitely didn't go as planned," Cobra Commander sighed with his helmet covered in stains and scorch marks. "Maybe storming the latest Emmy Awards and trying to kidnap all the actors wasn't the best idea?"
"Maybe it wasn't the best idea?" Destro yelled. "That remake of the Lone Ranger movie wasn't the best idea! New Coke wasn't the best idea! Giving Charlie Sheen unlimited access to money, drugs and hookers wasn't the best idea! The government giving billions of dollars to multi-million dollar companies in the hopes that they would give it away instead of hoarding it for themselves wasn't the best idea!"
"I GET IT DESTRO!" Cobra Commander hissed. "IT WAS A COMPLETE AND TOTAL DISASTER!"
"No kidding," Zartan winced pulling something long and sharp out of his arm. "That place was better defended than Fort Knox! We would've had an easier time trying to crash a session of Congress!"
"Who ever heard of Congress being in session?" The Baroness quipped. "A meeting between those clowns only happens once in a blue moon!"
"Besides, unlike members of Congress, actors and actresses have to work for a living," Destro pointed out. "And people would actually be willing to pay for their release."
"Well, duh! That's why we planned to kidnap them in the first place!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Forget Washington. It's Hollywood that holds the real power to influence the world. People don't mind having their country's weapons, nuclear secrets or health care information stolen, but make them miss one week of their mindless televised forms of entertainment and they go absolutely ballistic!"
"Too bad we won't be able to see them do so," Mindbender sighed. "We never even got close. Who knew security at the Emmy's was tighter than Padma Lakshmi's dress?"
"Not the official security force, that's for sure," The Baroness scoffed. "Those losers were all cowering in the back behind the punch bowls. It was the actors who caused us all the trouble!"
"I'll say. Jaimie Alexander throws a mean right hook," Xamot winced holding his jaw. "I think I lost a tooth!"
"Who knew Ed O'Neil was a black belt in karate?" Cobra Commander groaned.
"Everyone knows that Cobra Commander!" The Baroness snapped. "It's been well documented on all the entertainment channels!"
"Jessica Walter wasn't exactly a slouch in fighting either," Destro groaned. "I think one of my testicles went up into my rib cage."
"You still have a rib cage? Owwww…." Major Bludd lay on the floor covered in bandages.
"Betty White stabbed me in the behind," Tomax moaned painfully. "As well as a few other sensitive places."
"Who knew that so many actors were so well armed?" Cobra Commander grumbled.
"They're actors Cobra Commander!" Destro snapped. "Several actors started out as either bouncers, athletes, wrestlers or stunt persons so of course they'd be in shape and know how to fight! And between television and movies a lot of actors have some actual weapons and combat training to make their performances realistic!"
"Who did the cast of the Walking Dead train with?" The Baroness groaned. "The Marines?"
"Who knew the entire cast of Veep was like a mini militia in itself?" Mindbender groaned. "No wonder they won Best Comedy this year!"
"Yeah they knew how to fire weapons better than the casts of Homeland and True Detective combined," Tomax groaned.
"Not half as bad as the entire cast and crew from Game of Thrones," Mindbender groaned. "Of course they would know how to use swords and clubs!"
"How Peter Dinkledge got that broadsword past security I will never know," Destro groaned.
"Way to go, Cobra Commander," Mindbender snapped. "That was one of our most humiliating failures ever!"
"Didn't need to look into the future to know this mission would end in failure!" Crystal Ball snapped from his podium.
"You failed!" Zartan shouted. "Failed like a bad TV midseason sitcom."
"Failed like the Reese's Peanut Butter tree shaped cups," Mindbender added. "FYI are not shaped like trees but like something else that resembles the quality of our mission!"
"Failed like Lindsey Lohan's last few movies," The Baroness added.
"Failed like the Fashion Café," Xamot added.
"Or the Edsel!" Tomax snapped.
"Or Cop Rock!" Mindbender added.
"Or Martin O'Malley's presidential campaign," The Baroness added.
"Who?" Mindbender asked.
"Exactly," The Baroness sighed.
"Or Betamax!" Zartan added. "Remember Betamax?"
"Remember it?" Xamot snarled. "My brother and I invested millions in it!"
"I still say the picture quality of a Betamax was ten times better than VHS!" Tomax snapped. "It was huge in Japan!"
"So were the atomic bombs!" Xamot snapped.
"Owwwwwwwwwwwwwww…." Major Bludd moaned.
"Or that conservative PAC who gave over fifty million dollars to Jeb Bush's campaign," Destro added.
"Or…" Mindbender began then did a double take. "Fifty million dollars? Seriously?"
"Seriously," Destro nodded. "It would have been easier to literally buy votes by giving money to every person in the state of New Hampshire! And cheaper!"
"Fifty million dollars on a failed presidential campaign?" Cobra Commander snapped. "That's what we should have done! Run for president and have the Republicans pay us!"
"That was a massive failure," Mindbender remarked. "Actually a little more of a failure than our last mission if you think about it. Not by much but still a big failure."
"And the whole thing was caught on camera," Zartan realized. "Several cameras actually…"
"And probably every cell phone in the place which you know there were a lot of," The Baroness said.
"Which means our spectacular failure is probably already on Me Tube!" Zartan groaned.
"So is Jeb Bush's failed campaign," Destro pointed out.
"Yeah but ours has a lot more explosives and punches," Zartan explained. "Fewer swears and name calling but more explosives and punches."
"Okay I see your point," Destro groaned.
"Fine! I get the point!" Cobra Commander yelled. "I failed! You failed! We all failed! Now shut up already!" He hissed and slumped down into his chair. "I just want to crawl into a bottle and drink for the next hour before passing out and finally get some peace!"
"Finally! A plan you came up with that actually sounds plausible!" Tomax snapped.
"And a better chance of us actually pulling off," Xamot agreed as he grabbed a bottle from behind the bar.
Just then the conference room's large video monitor snapped to life. "Hello, fellow Cobra members! Guess who's back?" Zero waved to the camera.
"We are!" Vapor said cheerfully as he waved his reptilian hand.
"What the hell?" Cobra Commander did a double take.
"So much for that idea," Destro groaned as the image of Vapor and Zero filled the screen. "I told you we shouldn't have left those two behind!"
"Yeah. We should have brought them along and hoped they got shot," Tomax grumbled. "Or at least let Viola Davis rip out their vocal cords."
"After a long hiatus, we're finally ready to bring you the next installment of our new show: Cobra Persona!" Vapor smiled. "We just needed time to scrounge up another camera and wait for most of our body wounds to heal."
"Too bad nothing can be done to heal all the mental wounds they have," The Baroness groaned.
"I could always try zapping their brains and turn them into obedient monkeys or something," Mindbender suggested. "Presuming they have any brains left."
"That's presuming they had brains in the first place!" The Baroness snapped.
"How are those idiots still alive?" Cobra Commander yelled. "Or better yet why didn't the Joes capture them when they raided our casino?"
"I was so sure we locked them in the conference room!" Zartan agreed. "How did they get out?"
"Dumb luck," The Baroness groaned. "With emphasis on the dumb!"
"I bet you guys are wondering what happened to us after we got accidentally locked in that conference room when the Joes invaded," Zero went on.
"ACCIDENTALLY? YEAH RIGHT!" Zanzibar appeared.
"Oh Zanzibar is still alive and not captured either," Zartan groaned. "What a shame."
"Get back behind the camera Zanzibar," Vapor ordered. "You know the deal."
"Zartan when I find you, your siblings and those idiots you call lackeys…" Zanzibar grumbled as he went back. "So much for family loyalty!"
"That went out the window the day he stole our lunch money when we were in grade school," Zartan grumbled.
"Here's what happened," Zero said cheerfully. "When we got accidentally locked in I remembered we could get out through the air vents. And we did."
"Unfortunately we kind of ended up in an area still populated by those sentient marijuana plants," Vapor scratched his head with his scaled reptilian hand. "They attacked us but Zanzibar had a match…I don't remember much after that."
"The next thing we knew we ended up somewhere in Mexico," Zero added. "Reeking of pot and tequila."
"Not really sure what happened but I'm pretty sure the giant talking iguanas weren't real," Vapor admitted. "Then again we are Cobra so…"
"So where are these idiots now?" Destro asked.
"I don't know and I don't care!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"I do!" Destro snapped. "I don't want them to find us!"
"Good point," Cobra Commander grumbled.
"After a week of wandering around we found another Cobra base and we set up shop in the basement," Vapor explained. "So if any Cobras are watching this…And we know you are."
"We managed for this signal to track your location via your personal biorhythms and cell phones," Zero explained. "We don't exactly know where you are but hopefully you'll know we're okay and will find us!"
"Why didn't you just use your stupid computer programs to pinpoint their location?" Zanzibar was shouting off camera.
"That would have been a good idea wouldn't it?" Vapor blinked.
"And they wonder why we dumped them," Zartan grumbled.
"We decided to do this show for a few reasons," Zero said. "One, to show you guys we're still alive…"
"Not for long if I get my hands on them," Cobra Commander grumbled.
"Two to find us by using this satellite signal to trace us," Zero added.
"Not going to happen," Destro added.
"And three…Well we like doing these things so we just had to do another one!" Vapor added.
"I admit, we were stumped for a while on who to have appear next, but we finally managed to bribe...I mean, find someone," Zero beamed. "Say hello to an old and iconic member of Cobra: Firefly!"
"WHAT?!" Destro gasped as Firefly, Cobra's top saboteur appeared on screen wearing his trademark desert camouflage outfit. "When the devil did he come back?"
"I thought he was dead!" Tomax stared.
"I thought he was retired," Xamot blinked.
"I thought he was both retired and dead," Mindbender admitted. "You know, retired first then…"
"Dead because someone from his past tracked him down and killed him," Zartan finished. "Yeah I saw where you were going with that."
"I thought he called us a bunch of mindless, brain dead idiots and ran off screaming swearing never to come back," Cobra Commander shouted.
"Well, he wasn't wrong," Destro muttered under his breath.
"What?" Cobra Commander looked at him.
"He's been gone so long," Destro covered smoothly. "I mean we haven't seen him in…When was the last time we saw him again?"
"The 90's I think…" The Baroness remembered.
"I know Clinton was still in office so yeah," Cobra Commander nodded. "That sounds about right."
"This doesn't make sense. I thought Firefly was obsessed about not letting people see his face," Mindbender scratched his head. "How the heck did those two losers convince him to get in front of a camera?"
"Who knows?" The Baroness threw up her hands. "And not knowing is probably going to end up mentally healthier in the long run!"
"So, let's get started," Vapor smiled turning toward his guest. "Now, your real name is...hmmm, say, what is your real name?"
"You don't want to know," Firefly said coldly.
"Yes we do," Zero spoke up. "That's why we're asking."
"No, you don't," Firefly repeated.
"Well, how about a hint or something?" Vapor prodded. "Like maybe your initials?"
"I know what initials I'd use to describe them," The Baroness quipped.
"Is one of them a U and the other and F?" Destro asked.
"How did you ever guess?" The Baroness said drolly.
"Come on. We're all loyal members of Cobra. You can tell us," Zero pleaded.
"Oh, I could tell you," Firefly stared at him dangerously. "But then I'd have to kill you!"
"Uh, okay. We'll just skip that part," Vapor gulped nervously. "Besides, it's really not important. You are much better known by your work."
"Firefly is an expert in all known and some unknown type of explosives, initiators and detonators," Zero read from his notes. "He always places his charges in the one place that affords maximum damage."
"Too bad he never does it on purpose," Destro grumbled. "Like the time we paid him to sabotage that secret research base in Angola. He was supposed to disable the place, not blow it up!"
"I still don't believe his excuse of receiving a corrupted copy of the base's internal layout," The Baroness added. "Who mistakes a fuel storage shed for a computer surveillance room?"
"Firefly is also a master of stealth and covert operations," Vapor went on. "There is no question about his infiltration skills since no one has ever reported seeing him enter or leave a target area."
"Speaking of which, how did you manage to get in here in the first place?" Zero asked.
"That's not important," Firefly snapped. "Just get on with it!"
"I know how he got here," Zanzibar was heard. "He got here on his bike."
"I said that's not important!" Firefly shouted.
"What's wrong with riding a motorcycle?" Vapor asked.
"Not that kind of bike," Zanzibar chuckled.
"SHUT UP!" Firefly shouted.
"It's kind of a cute little thing," Zanzibar remarked. "All pink with little sparklers on the wheels…"
"It's not pink!" Firefly shouted. "It's red but the color has faded! Now shut up before I shoot you!"
"Okay, let's talk more about you," Vapor said. "I understand you haven't worked for Cobra for a while."
"A while?" Cobra Commander gasped. "More like a few years!"
"Actually more like a few decades," Firefly admitted.
Cobra Commander mused. "Time flies when you're not missing a moron."
"What have you been up to?" Zero asked.
"I've been pursuing alternate...employment options," Firefly said vaguely.
"Translation: other people have hired you to infiltrate places and blow them up," Vapor said.
"Well, yes," Firefly admitted. "And it's been very lucrative too. With all the new terrorist groups popping up and governments wanting to put them down the mercenary market is booming!"
"Really?" Zartan raised an eyebrow. "I should start looking into that."
"Unfortunately, such groups may have new money but are sadly lacking in old school values," Firefly continued. "They refuse to keep their business and emotional issues separate."
"Translation: You took on jobs from terrorist groups to sabotage other terrorist groups," Zero gave him a look. "Then were hired by the second terrorist groups to sabotage the first terrorist groups. Then all the terrorist groups found out you working for and against every other terrorist group."
"Basically, yes," Firefly coughed. "Who knew terrorists bragged to each so much on MeSpace and Mugbook?"
"I know one certainly has," Destro shot an annoyed look across the table.
"One time I did that! Once!" Cobra Commander protested.
"Once? More like one thousand times!" The Baroness snapped. "Your uncontrollable ego cost us our recreational base in the Arctic!"
"And the Bahamas!" Tomax added.
"The one off the coast of Fiji," Xamot continued.
"A few bases in South America," The Baroness added.
"The one in Paris!" Destro snapped.
"And the one in the hidden valley of the Andes," Mindbender mentioned. "The one where you insisted everything be coated in gold including the indoor pool filled with tequila."
"Oh, yeah. El Cobrado," Cobra Commander sighed wistfully. "I miss that one."
"Big shock," Destro rolled his eyes.
"I tell you, terrorist groups today have no sense of honor or respect," Firefly continued to ramble on screen. "Neither do rogue governments. They fail to understand that a contract is a contract. I am a professional. If someone hires me to blow up one of their training camps or two, don't take it as a personal betrayal. It's just business!"
"Hear, hear!" Zartan applauded.
Firefly went on. "If someone pays me more money to take out the first person who hired me I have the right to take that money! Right after I finish the job for the first client that is."
"Preaching to the choir brother!" Zartan added.
"Oh for crying out loud," The Baroness groaned. "And you wonder why I hate it when Cobra hires mercenaries!"
"Besides, if a group doesn't want me to work against them, they should be willing to make sacrifices and outbid their rivals," Firefly concluded. "There's a reason why my fees are always payable in advance. I make no guarantees and give no refunds."
"And he doesn't mention that caveat unless you read the fine print," Cobra Commander grumbled. "Print that requires a microscope to read! Even then I can barely find it!"
"A perfect description about the search for your intelligence," Destro muttered.
"What was that?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"I said it's an incorrect inscription that is smirched with irrelevance," Destro covered.
"That's what I thought you said," Cobra Commander glared at him.
"So to sum up your recent work history," Vapor addressed Firefly. "A bunch of terrorist groups are very angry that you've sabotaged them while working for other terrorist groups so that now every terrorist group has put our contracts for you."
"Yes, and not the good kind," Firefly coughed. "I've been blacklisted by every paying client I've had over the past few years. Those who are still alive anyway. I needed a safe place to stay until things cool down so I decided to return to Cobra. Plus it's the only group out there that offers a decent dental plan."
"We're the only group out there that offers any dental plan," Cobra Commander snapped.
"We told you including one was a key recruiting point," Tomax said.
"And it's more secure and reliable too," Xamot added.
"Okay. Well, that's enough about your professional life," Vapor waved on screen. "Let's more on to something more personal. Like giving us an exclusive look at your face."
"No! I never let people see my face!" Firefly snapped.
"Come on, man. It would be great! This show is all about getting to know you better," Zero encouraged.
"WHAT?" Firefly shouted. "You said this was a way to improve my image and advertise my services to new clients!"
"Ah, now it makes sense on how they convinced him to get in front of a camera," Mindbender nodded.
"Oh great. We're reduced to watching a commercial!" Destro groaned. "This is a new low for Cobra!"
"It's not that bad," Zartan pointed out. "Just think about all the new lows Cobra is bound to sink to."
"Oh dear God you're right," Destro moaned.
"Come on? Please? Just one little peek?" Zero pleaded.
"NO!" Firefly yelled.
"Well, that's okay. We didn't really expect you to agree," Vapor said. "That's why we brought along some pictures."
"WHAT?!" Firefly yelped.
"They did?" Destro was stunned.
"How the devil did those fools manage to get their hands on those?" The Baroness blinked.
"Yes, that's right viewers! For the first time we have authentic photos of the man behind Firefly!" Zero smiled holding some in his hand. "Take a look at this beauty..."
"NOOOOOOOOO!" Firefly screamed and tackled him.
"OW! OW! OW!" Zero yelped as Firefly began to wail on him. "AAAGGGHHH! NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!"
"THAT'S MY LINE!" Firefly yelled.
"Hey, this is getting good," Zartan smirked watching Firefly beat the stuffing out of Zero. "Ten bucks says Firefly pulls a laser on him."
"Twenty on Zero not making it through the rest of the interview alive!" Tomax grinned.
"Yikes!" Vapor yelped and barely managed to get out of the way. "Don't worry viewers! We made a claim and we're going to keep it." He snagged a photograph out of the air and showed it to the camera. "Here it is! The real face of Firefly!"
"Wow!" Mindbender blinked. "I was not expecting that!"
"That's a lot of missing teeth," Destro gaped.
"Okay, I can see how he's able to stuff away the mustache underneath his mask," Cobra Commander stared. "But how the heck does he manage to hide all that hair?"
"More like the other way around," The Baroness was stunned. "You could hide a Buick in that beard!"
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Firefly stopped beating on Zero and leapt for the photo in Vapor's hand. "GIVE ME THAT!"
"AAAHHHHHH!" Vapor yelled as Firefly began to strangle him.
"YOU FOOL! I'LL KILL YOU FOR REVEALING MY TRUE...huh?" Firefly blinked at the photo. "Wait a second. That's not me! That's my mother!"
"WHAT?!" All the Cobras shouted.
"Oh gross!" Tomax gagged.
"Yuck!" Xamot spat.
"Hold on. She looks kind of familiar," Mindbender paused for moment and looked at Cobra Commander. "Didn't you hook up with her once during that horrible road trip a while back?"
"How the heck should I know? How do expect me to remember anything when I'm that drunk?" Cobra Commander threw up his hands.
"We don't," Zartan said. "Then again, it's not that much of a difference when you're sober."
"When was the last time Cobra Commander was sober?" The Baroness quipped.
"These are all pictures of my mother!" Firefly collected the remaining photos on screen.
"Really?" Zero blinked dazedly at a photo. "Hey, she's kind of cute. Is she available?"
"WHAT?" Firefly snarled.
"Oops! Our mistake," Vapor gasped. "Well, don't worry viewers. We'll find some way to show you what Firefly really looks like."
"OH NO YOU WON'T!" Firefly yelled pulling out a pair of pistols. "DIE!"
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Vapor and Zero screamed as Firefly began shooting at them.
"Wow the sound quality of this is really good," Mindbender remarked. "It's like they're close by."
"HEY! WILL YOU GUYS KEEP IT DOWN? AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Someone yelled.
"Is that Toby Lord of Dark Matter in the background?" Zartan blinked.
"I think it is…" Destro blinked as someone else was being chased as well.
"AAAAAHHH!" Toby Lord of Dark Matter yelled as he ran around with his cape on fire.
"Oh dear God no!" Destro gasped. "THEY'RE IN THE BUILDING!"
"WHAT?" Cobra Commander screamed. "HOW DID THOSE MORONS GET HERE BEFORE WE DID?"
"This day just keeps getting better…" The Baroness grumbled.
"Great, there goes more damage to the base," Destro groaned as the makeshift studio was rapidly shot to pieces.
"Something tells me Firefly may not being staying here long," Mindbender sighed.
"Still be longer than Vapor or Zero," Tomax grinned watching the shootout. "Get them!"
"Shoot them both!" Xamot cheered.
"Firefly is not going to shoot them both!" Cobra Commander shouted pulling out a gun. "I am!"
"Now who all saw that coming?" The Baroness quipped as Cobra Commander ran out of the room. "Ten says he gets shot and ends up in the med bay again."
"We have a med bay?" Destro gave her a look.
"Cobra Commander does," The Baroness shrugged. "It's called his liquor cabinet."
"Oh, right," Destro nodded. "In that case, no bet."
BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!
"HELP! SAVE US! AIIIEEEEEEEEE!' Vapor and Zero screamed.
"You know, maybe we should submit a copy of this show to the next Emmy's," Zartan grinned at the mayhem. "I think it might just be a hit!"
"Speaking of hits, this is the good part of the show," Destro remarked.
"This show has a good part?" The Baroness quipped.
BAM! BAM! BAM!
"YEOWWWWWW!" Zero yelled as he was shot in his butt by Cobra Commander.
"Oh right, I see what you mean," The Baroness grinned.