The Great Cobra Commander Chase
"What do you mean we have to move again?" Destro shouted. "We just got here not even forty-five minutes ago!"
"And that's how long it took for the Dreadnoks to discover that high powered explosives, mutating chemical agents and soda vending machines are a bad combination," The Baroness sighed.
BOOOM! BOOOOM!
"I'm guessing by mutating chemical agents you are talking about the Eddie Juniors?" Destro sighed as the building was rocked by explosions.
"Technically not," Mindbender admitted. "It's a new combination I was working on. But I sure as hell didn't give it to them!"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOM! FIZZZZLEEEE!
"Toby Lord of Dark Matter…" Destro groaned.
"I'm on it," Toby Lord of Dark Matter appeared with a pad. "Good news. We own another base by the waterfront in LA. We can move everything in there in a few hours."
"Fine," Destro sighed. "Pack everything up…"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Correction," Destro sighed. "Pack whatever's left up and let's go."
"I think we still have some stuff on both the ship and the moving van," Toby Lord of Dark Matter remarked.
"Well that's a time saver," Destro sighed as they started picking random objects up and putting them into boxes. "I just hope we get everything."
BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Whatever we have left," Destro groaned.
"I'm pretty sure we're not forgetting anything…" Mindbender waved.
Meanwhile back at the old base…
"HELLO? HELLO?" Cobra Commander screamed from under the rubble. "HELP ME HERE! MEN WILL SUFFER FOR THIS!"
Several hours later…
"God of Serpents damn it…" Cobra Commander staggered out of the building bruised and dirty. "It took me forever to get out of there. Next time I'll blow up a building with my idiot subordinates in it! Let's see how they like being buried alive under a ton of rubble!"
"I need a drink," He kept on going, his voice getting louder. "I swear I should have blown all those idiots up who left me here! I am Cobra Commander! Leader of Cobra! Men are going to suffer for this! Not just men! Women! Children! Dogs! Cats! Goldfish! I am an equal opportunity destroyer! It doesn't matter what race, gender, sexual orientation or whatever else you are…I will destroy you just like this building! THIS I SWEAR!"
"What did you just say?"
"I SAID I'M COBRA COMMANDER FUTURE RULER OF THE WORLD AND THE ONE WHO IS GOING TO DESTROY THE…" Cobra Commander whirled around.
He saw several reporters behind him with cameras rolling. As well as quite a few policemen who were investigating the destruction.
"Oh snake scales," Cobra Commander gulped. "Never mind."
Then he ran for his life with the police following him in pursuit. As well as the news camera crews.
Meanwhile at the new Cobra base…
"Okay," Destro sighed as he addressed the Cobra Command group. "Now that we have moved into our second new base in as many hours…It's time for some new safety guidelines to be put in place. Rule Number One: The Dreadnoks are banned from Mindbender's lab!"
"Awwww," The Dreadnoks said as one.
"Number Two…" Destro began. "Stop snickering Torch!"
"I'm not laughing at that," Torch pointed to a monitor. "I'm laughing at Cobra Commander on the news."
"What?" Destro said as the others went to look. "Oh right. We left Cobra Commander under the rubble of the first base."
"Funny," Monkeywrench folded his arms. "We forgot him but remembered Bludd. Just saying."
"That is rather odd," The Baroness remarked. "But not as odd as this."
"AAAHHHH!" Cobra Commander was screaming while driving a brightly colored food truck. Several police cars were behind him giving chase.
"I have to admit," Destro blinked. "That is a sight I did not think I would ever see. Sober anyway."
"How did Cobra Commander steal a taco truck?" Zartan blinked.
"That's not a taco truck," Mindbender corrected him. "That's a quesadilla truck."
"What's the difference?" Zandar asked.
"A taco is an open-ended shell which you put meat or other toppings in," Buzzer explained. "While a quesadilla is more like a Mexican panini."
"You mean it's like a sandwich," Zartan gave him a look.
"Yes," Buzzer said.
"Well then why didn't you just say sandwich?" Zartan asked.
"Panini sounds classier," Buzzer said.
"That's true," Ripper said. "Plus it's got a nicer ring to it. Pa-ni-ni…"
"Kind of rolls of the tongue," Torch said. "Like a panini."
"Italian is a lovely language," Toby Lord of Dark Matter admitted.
A male reporter's voice was heard. "Cobra Commander fled the scene of his crime by carjacking a food truck that was serving lunch to the firemen and police officers in the area."
"Ohhhhh," The Cobras said as one.
"That makes sense," Zandar said.
"I'm glad something does," Destro groaned.
"Wait is it called a carjacking when its technically a truck?" The male announcer asked as footage of Cobra Commander stealing the food truck was shown. "Okay then truck jacking…"
"Well Cobra Commander wanted to get back in the news," Torch said.
"I don't think this is what he had in mind Torch," Destro sighed.
"True but there's no such thing as bad publicity," Torch told him.
"I think Lindsey Lohan would disagree with you," The Baroness remarked.
"And he's technically committing a crime," Donald spoke up.
"On l-live TV!" Road Pig added.
"That is buzzworthy," Toby Lord of Dark Matter looked at his pad. "Cobra Commander is trending now."
"WHOAAAAA!" Cobra Commander screamed as the truck he was driving seemed to soar over a bump in the road and flew for a second before landing hard with a thud.
"He's definitely a better driver than usual," The Baroness remarked. "Wait, he's sober isn't he?"
"Probably," Destro shrugged.
Back in the food truck…
"WHAT KIND OF FOOD TRUCK DOESN'T HAVE ANY BOOZE IN IT?" Cobra Commander shouted. "Uh oh…"
He realized that another cop car was preparing to cut him off ahead. He made a hard turn so quickly the cop car collided with another cop car behind him.
"Gotta admit this thing handles better than I thought it would," Cobra Commander remarked as he drove off. "Now the question remains…Where the hell are those idiots?"
Back at Cobra Central…
"He doesn't know where we are does he?" Zarana realized.
"I don't even know where we are," Torch blinked.
"That's because your IQ is slightly lower than a kumquat," Zartan barked.
"Trust me guys," Toby Lord of Dark Matter said. "This is going to get Cobra's name out there again."
"Not to mention boosting the sales of that guy's food truck," Zandar added.
"That's just smart branding," Tomax said.
"Product tie ins are big now," Xamot admitted.
"Quesadilla sales are already starting to go up," Toby Lord of Dark Matter noticed on his pad.
"Yeah but he couldn't steal a Dorito's truck?" Monkeywrench asked.
CRASH!
"No, but somehow he managed to get a cop car to crash into a soda truck," The Baroness remarked.
"It's not grape soda, is it?" Ripper gasped.
"No, it's Pepsi," The Baroness said.
"Oh well that's all right then," Ripper said.
"So are we gonna go rescue him?" Buzzer asked.
"Eventually," Destro waved. "Right now this is way too entertaining."
"Yeah I wanna see how Chrome Dome gets away from the cops," Torch agreed.
"There's no way Fang Face is going to avoid being captured!" Buzzer snapped.
"He's right," Ripper said. "I've seen dozens of these chases and it never ends well for the bloke being chased."
"Yeah but this bloke is Cobra Crud-mander," Torch pointed out. "He's gotten out of tighter spots than this."
"Mostly by dumb luck," Destro sighed. "Emphasis on the dumb."
"We're not going to rescue Cobra Commander until he gets captured by the police," The Baroness said. "It will be easier that way."
"Now hold on," Zandar spoke up. "I'm not so sure Cobra Commander will get captured at all."
"Are you out of your tiny little mercenary mind?" The Baroness snapped. "They have him on television! There's no way he can escape!"
"For once I'm in agreement with you," Zarana nodded.
"Well I agree with Zandar," Torch spoke up. "Look we all know Cobra Commander is a grade A wakner. But when he wants to be…And I mean when he really puts his mind to it, he can be kind of a bad ass."
"Excuse me are you talking about…?" Xamot asked.
"Our Cobra Commander?" Tomax shouted.
"Have you forgotten who this man is?" Xamot asked.
"And how many times he's run away screaming?" Tomax added.
"Have you forgotten this is the same bloke who attacked the world with dinosaurs, a weather machine, and big ol' vaporizing laser?" Torch spoke up. "Not to mention he lied his teeth off to an Egyptian God, got turned into a snake and back into a man again. Then turned Serpentor into a snake and baked him into a bleeding casserole?"
"Not to mention all the people he fired," Zandar added. "Out of cannons."
"But not even Cobra Commander can outrun the police on national television, Torch!" Zartan snapped.
"He's escaped from worse places brother," Zandar shook his head. "I wouldn't put it past him."
"Please!" Zartan snorted. "Fifty will get you a hundred Cobra Commander will be in handcuffs within the hour."
"I'll take that bet," Zandar said. "I'll say he gets away."
"No way!" Buzzer said.
"Oh yes way!" Torch contradicted. "I'm with you Zandar. Put me in for a fifty!"
"I'm taking that action," Monkeywrench said.
"As will Road Pig and I," Donald said. "We believe Cobra Commander will be captured."
"B-but," Road Pig then spoke. "It'll be more than an hour before it h-happens."
"Well more than an hour obviously," Mindbender said. "But he's still going to get captured. I give it two to three hours."
"It's going to be a lot shorter than that Baldy!" Zartan told him.
"I'd like a piece of that action," Destro said. "I'll take a hundred on Cobra Commander not being captured!"
"Really?" Torch was surprised. "I thought you wouldn't want Cobra Commander to come back."
"I don't," Destro said. "I'm hedging my bet against the fact that Cobra Commander's very exitance makes mine miserable."
"So you're betting for him to get away, so he'll be caught by the cops?" Torch blinked.
"Yes," Destro said. "That way he will probably get caught by the police and we can merely let him rot in prison. It would be worth a hundred dollars to see that happen."
"And if he does get away?" Zarana asked.
"If he does by some miracle," Destro rationalized. "He has no idea where we are now. So we get a vacation away from Cobra Commander as long as we lie low. And I win money as a bonus."
"Ohhh," Toby Lord of Dark Matter nodded. "That's pretty clever. I'm in for him not getting captured too."
"I'm amazed he hasn't gotten captured already," Ripper admitted.
CRASH! CRASH! CRASH!
"I'm amazed he just caused a three-car pileup and got away without a scratch," Zarana admitted.
CRASH!
"Make that a four-car pileup," Zarana said.
"And he hasn't even gotten to the freeway yet," Mindbender realized.
"He's not going to make it to the freeway," Zartan waved.
"He would if he has a GPS system," Torch realized.
Meanwhile…
"If I can just get this damn GPS system to work!" Cobra Commander slammed his fist repeatedly against the machine. "How do you turn this damn thing on?"
BEEP!
"Where do you want to go today?" The GPS system spoke emotionlessly.
"The freeway!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Turn right," The GPS system told him.
"Finally! Something is going right today!" Cobra Commander grumbled as he did so.
VRRROOOMMM!
SCREEE!
CRASH!
"I don't believe this!" Cobra Commander shouted when he realized he was driving the wrong way down the street. Cars were swerving and crashing to avoid him. "How do I get off this road?"
"Turn left," The GPS told him.
"Okay fine…" Cobra Commander groaned as he did so.
BEEEEEEPP!
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK!
SCREECH!
CRASH!
"That's another damn one way street!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Great! Out of all the GPS systems in the world I get the one that gives the wrong directions!"
Meanwhile sometime later back at Cobra Headquarters.
"This is unbelievable," Mindbender remarked as he ate some popcorn. "This popcorn is really good."
"Thank you," Donald said. "It's our secret blend of spices."
"Here's a h-hint," Road Pig said. "A little oregano goes a l-long way."
"Wow," Monkeywrench remarked. "As if Chrome Dome didn't have enough against him, now he's just broken at least three speeding laws, two counts of driving down the wrong way, twelve hit and runs, twelve leaving the scene of an accident…"
SCRREECCH!
"Make that thirteen counts of leaving the scene of an accident," Monkeywrench blinked.
"Good thing he doesn't have a driver's license," Buzzer remarked. "Because they'd take it away from him for sure."
"Two more minutes until the hour is up on the car chase," Toby Lord Of Dark Matter remarked.
"I am aware of that Lord of Dumb Things That Matter!" Zartan snapped. "He still has two minutes. Look! He's going down a one way street!"
CRASH! SMASH!
SMASH! SMASH!
CRASH! CRASH! CRASH! CRASH!
SMASH!
"He went through a store," Zarana blinked.
"Who puts a china shop near the freeway?" Mindbender asked. "And are there such things as china shops nowadays?"
"Not anymore," Torch quipped.
"What was that truck made out of?" Zartan snapped. "An old tank?"
"One minute left," Toby Lord of Dark Matter called out.
"I KNOW!" Zartan shouted. "SHUT UP!"
"You are so going to lose Zartan," Torch snickered.
"YOU TOO!" Zartan yelled.
"I must admit this is amusing," Destro grinned.
"It won't be so amusing to you when he finally is caught!" Zartan snapped.
"I told you not to underestimate him brother," Zandar shrugged.
"Oh go make yourself invisible or something!" Zartan snapped.
"Wow Cobra Commander is really tearing up the road," Monkeywrench said. "Both literally and figuratively."
"At least he's on the freeway now," Ripper said.
SCRREECH!
CRASH!
"Going the wrong way but yeah," Ripper added. "He's on the freeway."
VRRRRROOOM!
SCREEECH!
"Okay he crossed the divider and he's now going the right way," Buzzer said.
"Leaving the cops on the other side!" Torch whooped. "Go Commander! GO!"
"Man that truck has some pretty good mileage," Buzzer whistled.
"And that is one minute!" Toby Lord of Dark Matter called out. "Cobra Commander has officially passed the hour mark."
"Damn it!" Zartan groaned along with the rest of the Cobras who bet for an hour.
"T-Told you it would be more than an hour," Road Pig called out.
"Well it can't be much longer," Mindbender realized. "It's still a food truck. A well built food truck but still a truck. It can't outrun a cop car on the freeway. How much gas does that thing have anyway?"
Back on the highway…
"This undersized tank just isn't fast enough," Cobra Commander grumbled. "And I'm running out of gas!"
Then he saw something. "Hang on…"
A crazy idea hit Cobra Commander. "Well…" Cobra Commander said as he pulled alongside a bright red Ferrari with the top down. "I've had worse ideas. But this is the only option I can think of…"
He then heard sirens. "Correction. The only option I have!"
"I really should not be doing this sober," Cobra Commander wailed as he opened the driver's door. "But…Here we go!"
Meanwhile the driver of the Ferrari was totally oblivious. He was a well-dressed young man talking on his cell phone.
"Yeah, yeah…" He smirked and grinned not paying attention to the food truck that was way too close to his car. "I know. I know. So what did she say? That's classic man! Okay tell me what happened next at the party. Oh yeah she's totally hot…"
"AAAAHHH!" Cobra Commander shouted as he jumped into the open Ferrari and started fighting with the driver.
"DUDE!" The driver screamed as the car started to swerve.
Cobra Commander grabbed the phone. "He'll call you back later!" He threw the phone away.
"NOO!" The driver forgot to drive and tried to grab it. "NOT MY PHONE MAN!"
"Well if you want it so much…" Cobra Commander snarled as he took control of the car and forced it to stop. "GO GET IT!"
He grabbed the stunned driver and kicked him out. "MY CAR!" The driver yelled.
"That'll teach you to talk on the phone and drive at the same time!" Cobra Commander screamed as he drove away.
Meanwhile back at Cobra Headquarters…
"Now he abandoned the food truck and just stole a bloody Ferrari!" Buzzer gasped.
"Are you sure he's sober?" Donald asked.
CRASH!
"And the food truck just crashed into one of the cop cars that was chasing him!" Buzzer added. "Wow…There's cheese everywhere."
"I tell you California is going to remember this car chase for a long time," Zandar whistled. "And this is a state that is famous for car chases."
Back to Cobra Commander…
"Now we're talking!" Cobra Commander whooped as he found a flask in the glove compartment. He opened the hole in his helmet and just poured the contents in. "AAAH! That's good brandy! Yeah! Now we're cooking! YEAHHHH!"
"Wow…" Cobra Commander realized something. "I just stole two cars in one police chase. I really am a bad ass."
Back to Cobra Command…
"See?" Torch said. "What he did right there was a real bad ass move."
"True but even Cobra Commander won't last much longer in the chase," Mindbender shrugged as he ate some popcorn.
"Dude, the guy just stole a freaking Ferrari!" Torch snapped.
"And it looks like a custom job," Zandar realized. "There might be some extras if you get my drift."
"Doesn't matter if he has a rocket powered engine under the tank," Zartan said. "He's still being followed by the helicopter that's recording his every move."
"Exactly," Toby Lord of Dark Matter said. "Do you realize Cobra Commander's online search has tripled within the past hour? This is the kind of brand marketing Cobra needs right now."
"Again, he doesn't know where this base is does he?" Destro asked.
"No, he doesn't," Toby Lord of Dark Matter shook his head.
"Then I'm on board with it," Destro shrugged. "Let's face it, Cobra's reputation hasn't exactly retained its stellar quality over the decades. This…This might make people take us seriously again."
Back to the Ferrari…
"EAT MY DUST!" Cobra Commander whooped. "YEAH! YEAH! COBRA COMMANDER IS BACK BABY! WHO'S THE HAS BEEN NOW HUH? NOT ME! HA!"
"This is it!" Cobra Commander shrieked with glee. "I'm back baby! I'm on top of the world again! This is the car chase to end all car chases! Just another notch in my legend! At last the world will see how great I am! Finally, I am getting what I deserve! I'm going straight to the top!"
Half an hour later…
"Where the hell am I?" Cobra Commander looked around. "And why can't I get rid of that damned helicopter?"
"I see the ocean nearby. Nice…Too bad I don't have time to take a break. That's the problem with being a famous international terrorist leader. No time to stop and smell the Hawaiian Tropic."
He heard the sirens behind him. "The cops are still following me? Seriously? Well I guess that's the price you pay for notoriety. Damn I wish I had more to drink."
Back at Cobra Headquarters…
"Don't we have any more drinks?" The Baroness asked.
"We haven't exactly had time to stock up," Zandar told her.
"Hang on, something's happening with the chase," Buzzer shouted.
"They got a bloody roadblock up ahead near that cliff," Ripper realized.
"There's no way he's gonna get out of this one," Zarana said.
"He's cooked," Buzzer agreed.
"Again, it will be worth it to pay the hundred dollars," Destro shrugged.
"Well maybe for you Baldy-Bucks!" Torch snapped. "Besides, there's still a chance he could get away!"
"How the hell could Cobra Commander get away from a police blockade?" Zartan asked.
Back to Cobra Commander…
"Nitrous Oxide rocket propelled boosters? Now we're cooking!" Cobra Commander whooped as he pushed the buttons. "Thank the Great Serpent for stupid rich idiots!"
"YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Cobra Commander screamed as the Ferrari blasted off.
Then he noticed the police blockade ahead. With a scream, Cobra Commander instinctively turned the car.
And drove it off a cliff.
"Oh my God!" The Baroness gasped.
"I don't freaking believe it!" Zartan shouted.
"Wow he is really sailing right out there," Buzzer whistled.
"That car must have some kind of rocket boosters built in," Monkeywrench realized.
"No, ya think?" Zartan snapped.
"It's got good hangtime too," Torch said. "And it's going, going, going…"
"Right down into the ocean," Mindbender pointed.
"YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FREAKING KIDDING ME?" Zartan shouted.
SPLASH! FROOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Now that's a splash!" Donald said.
"And that's some cash you owe us Zartan!" Zandar smirked.
"Told you he'd get away!" Torch grinned.
"I don't freaking believe it!" Zartan groaned.
"Cobra Commander just pulled a bloody Thelma and Louise," Zarana gasped.
"Which one is Cobra Commander?" Monkeywrench asked. "Thelma or Louise?"
"Since they both died in the movie…" Xamot shrugged.
"Kind of a moot point," Tomax added.
"You think he's dead?" Torch asked.
"If only," Destro sighed. "Unfortunately, that isn't exactly Cobra Commander's first cliff. Or even his highest one. His Cobra La physiology is a bit stronger than a normal human's. No, most likely he managed to escape the sinking car somehow and is in the ocean somewhere. Or washed up to shore."
"So do we go look for him?" Donald asked.
"Let the cops and the Coast Guard handle that," Destro waved. "If they do it will be on the news. If they don't he still doesn't know where we are. Either way we've got a well-deserved vacation from him for at least a month."
"Longer if he's earned himself a one way trip to Davy Jones' Locker," Zarana admitted.
"Besides," Torch said. "The new season of Archer is coming up and I don't want to miss that!"
"That's true," Zartan admitted.
"Man has a point," Mindbender agreed. "For some reason, I find the characters really relatable. Especially Krieger."
"You would," The Baroness rolled her eyes.
"Still want to see the new season," Zarana admitted.
"Why?" The Baroness asked.
"Because the guys are naked just as much as the girls," Zarana shrugged.
"That's true," The Baroness shrugged. "I suppose it couldn't hurt to give the new season a chance."
"Do you think there's a chance Cobra Commander survived?" Monkeywrench asked.
"Unfortunately yes," Destro sighed.
Meanwhile a familiar figure had managed to emerge from the ocean. "I can't believe I survived…" Cobra Commander moaned as he climbed up a stray rope onto a large boat. "I can't believe I survived!"
"Where the hell am I?" Cobra Commander coughed as he looked around. He realized he was standing on top of a pile of trash.
He realized he was on a garbage scow in the middle of the ocean. "Oh great!" Cobra Commander groaned. "Just freaking great! I bet this is one of those stupid garbage scows they send to dump trash to some island or out to sea or something. Perfect end to another perfect freaking day!"
SKREEE! SKREE!
"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU STUPID SEAGULLS!" Cobra Commander snapped as he waved off some seagulls who were dive bombing him. "Back! Back I say! I hate seagulls! I hate seagulls!"
"And worst of all!" Cobra Commander wailed. "I'm going to miss the season premiere of Archer!"