The Adventures of Cobra Crusoe

DAY ONE:

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!" Cobra Commander shouted. "I am literally stranded on an island made entirely out of garbage!"

He was. Garbage was everywhere he could see surrounded by ocean. "Okay, maybe those hippie dippies have a small point about pollution?" Cobra Commander grumbled.

"SCREEE! SCREEE!"

"AAAHHH!" Cobra Commander tried to fend off the seagulls dive bombing him. "GET OFF ME! GO EAT SOME GARBAGE!"

"I think that's what they're doing," A familiar voice said.

"Who said that?" Cobra Commander snarled as the seagulls flew away. "When I want your opinion, I will stuff it down your throat!"

"Good luck with that," Crystal Ball remarked as he rolled up to Cobra Commander. "Ugh this place is disgusting. My ball is getting sticky."

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" Cobra Commander shouted.

"Apparently I'm fated to be your Friday, Robinson Clueless-soe," Crystal Ball quipped.

"No, I mean what are you doing here physically?" Cobra Commander asked. "How did you get here?"

"You threw me out," Crystal Ball gave him a look. "Remember?"

"Oh right," Cobra Commander blinked. "Just before the base blew up."

"Irony, right?" Crystal Ball remarked. "That we ended up on the same garbage barge."

"I don't freaking believe it," Cobra Commander groaned.

"I don't believe the guys piloting the garbage barge were better armed than you," Crystal Ball remarked.

"Apparently there are problems with piracy in this part of the ocean," Cobra Commander grumbled.

"What idiot would hijack a garbage scow?" Crystal Ball asked.

"That's what I said!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Although I'm pretty sure that those sailors didn't understand me. They were speaking some kind of language. Portuguese probably. Which is weird because I know some Spanish but apparently even though they're both romance languages they're very different. They have some similar words but…"

"How are you at speaking seagull?" Crystal Ball asked.

"Seagull? Why would I…?" Cobra Commander began.

"SCREE! SCREE!"

"AAAAHHH!" Cobra Commander ran away from the seagulls attacking him.

"Oh yeah, this is going to be a fun trip," Crystal Ball sighed.

SPLAT!

"Seriously?" Crystal Ball groaned as some seagull droppings hit the top of his dome.

DAY TWO:

"Stupid seagulls," Cobra Commander grumbled. His uniform was dirty and covered in seagull droppings. He sat by a fire he made. "Stupid garbage. Stupid, stupid, stupid…"

"That's pretty much my sentiment," Crystal Ball told him. He was on the other side of the fire. His crystal looked rather dirty by now.

"I am stranded on a literal island of garbage," Cobra Commander groaned.

"How do you think I feel?" Crystal Ball snapped. "I was thrown out and abandoned on an island of garbage. And I'm stuck with you!"

"Do you want to be thrown out into the ocean?" Cobra Commander shouted.

"YES! PLEASE!" Crystal Ball snapped. "At least my ball would be cleaner. Can barely see a thing here. And I'm sure the crabs at the bottom of the ocean aren't as crabby as you!"

"Oh ha, ha…" Cobra Commander grumbled. "Keep it up! I will throw you into the ocean!"

"Do it!"

"Oh, I will do it!"

"Then do it!"

"I will!"

"Go ahead!" Crystal Ball snapped. "No one's stopping you!"

"Don't tell me what to do!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I tell you what to do!"

"Who elected you President of Garbage Island?" Crystal Ball snapped.

"I did! With the electoral college of Me! Myself and I!" Cobra Commander shouted. "NOW SHUT UP!"

Crystal Ball sighed. "I don't suppose there's some half full bottle of glass cleaner around or something?"

"I'll put that on the shopping list!" Cobra Commander snapped. "And what are you complaining about? You don't have to eat or drink to survive! I'm literally scraping by as it is!"

"At least you have those unopened boxes of Twinkies to live off of," Crystal Ball said.

"Who throws out perfectly good boxes of Twinkies?" Cobra Commander asked. "They weren't even expired. And they were in plastic casing so they still were good."

"Frustrated dieters," Crystal Ball told him.

"But there's nothing to drink!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I checked all the empty beer cans and wine bottles and nothing!"

"What about those unopened bottles of New Coke we found beyond that hill with the mold?" Crystal Ball asked. "Never mind. I just answered my own question."

"Ugh," Cobra Commander grumbled. "Well at least the fire is keeping the seagulls away for now."

CRACK! BOOOOM!

Just then it started to rain. "I don't freaking believe this," Cobra Commander groaned as he was getting soaked.

"At least now you have fresh water," Crystal Ball told him. Cobra Commander glared at him.

DAY THREE:

"AAAHHH! GET AWAY FROM ME YOU STUPID BIRDS!" Cobra Commander screamed as he fought off the seagulls. "GET AWAY FROM MY TWINKIES!"

"Another day of this…" Crystal Ball sighed. "Makes me glad I'm not alive again."

"THAT'S IT! TIME FOR SOME SEAGULLS ON THE BARBIE!" Cobra Commander screamed as he fought back.

"As tempting as it is I wouldn't eat any seagulls if I were you," Crystal Ball told him.

"SHUT UP YOU CRYSTAL CLOD!" Cobra Commander shouted. "WHY THE HELL NOT?"

DAY FOUR:

"BLEAAAHHHHHHH!" Cobra Commander had taken his helmet off and was vomiting behind a huge pile of trash so his face was hidden.

"Go ahead," Crystal Ball quipped. "Make more filth around here."

"BLEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHAAAAKKK!"

"Yeah Twinkies and seagulls wasn't quite the good combination as you thought it was, wasn't it?" Crystal Ball quipped.

"UUUUHHHHBLEAAAAAHHHH!"

"You know there are some up sides to being a paranormal entity stuck inside a crystal ball," Crystal Ball went on. "Not that many but this is one."

"UGGGH! BLEAAAAAAHHH!"

"Do not miss that part of having a physical form," Crystal Ball smirked.

"If you don't shut up…" Cobra Commander warbled. "I'll vomit on you!"

"I've already been used as a toilet by half the seagulls in the Pacific!" Crystal Ball snapped. "Trust me that's not as bad a threat as you think it is. Seeing regurgitated seagull body parts might actually cheer me up!"

"I swear to the seven serpent gods of Cobra La…" Cobra Commander put on his helmet and staggered back to Crystal Ball. "I will drop you into the ocean!"

"Do it!" Crystal Ball snapped.

"I will!" Cobra Commander snapped back.

"Do it!" Crystal Ball snapped.

"I will!" Cobra Commander shouted.

"Then do it!"

"Don't tempt me!" Cobra Commander shouted. "I will throw you so far into the ocean you will never see the light of day again!"

"You mean never hear your whiny voice again!" Crystal Ball shouted. "I dream of that! Go ahead!"

"Keep it up and I will!" Cobra Commander shouted.

"You don't have the guts!" Crystal Ball challenged.

"I do so have the guts! Uh oh…" Cobra Commander held his stomach. "But they seem to be crawling out my other end! AAAAH!" He ran behind a trash pile.

"Another thing I don't miss about having a human body," Crystal Ball quipped.

SPLORT! SPLORT!

"Oh that sounds nasty," Crystal Ball winced.

"It is…" Cobra Commander whined. "If it's not coming out one end, it's coming out the other!"

"Again, that's why I told you not to eat the seagulls!" Crystal Ball snapped.

"Well now I know!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"And knowing is…" Crystal Ball quipped.

"Don't say it!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"What are you going to use for toilet paper?" Crystal Ball asked.

"You don't want to know," Cobra Commander groaned. "Ugh can this day get any worse?"

BOOOOOOOOOOOM! CRACKLE!

"Apparently, it can," Cobra Commander groaned as a huge downpour erupted over them.

"Well at least you won't dehydrate," Crystal Ball called out. "And my ball is getting washed."

"I hate you so much…" Cobra Commander groaned.

DAY FIVE:

"What in the name of all that is stupid are you doing?" Crystal Ball asked as Cobra Commander scavenged through some trash.

"Looking for a way off this garbage island!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Even if I have to make a raft out of trash to do it!"

"With what?" Crystal Ball asked. "There's literally nothing but trash on this island."

"Well I found a lot of rope and string," Cobra Commander pointed to a pile. "Some wood. Duct tape. Seriously someone threw out an entire box of working duct tape. How did that happen?"

"People throw out some of the weirdest things," Crystal Ball remarked. "I should know. Badum. Bump."

"Look if I just stood around doing nothing I'll never get off of here," Cobra Commander grumbled. "And let's face it, the odds of those morons back at Cobra Command looking for me are zero to none! They're probably having a party as I speak!"

Let's zip over to Cobra Command at the moment shall we?

"CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES COME ON!" The Cobras sang along to the music as they had an office party. There were drinks, a food table and a huge banner saying COBRA COMMANDER FREE. The Dreadnoks were dancing. Mindbender was DJ'ing.

"Destro!" Toby Lord of Dark Matter spoke up. "Productivity has increased thirty percent. Profits are up by twenty and morale has never been higher."

"I'll say," The Baroness smirked as she took a drink of scotch. "Whenever the Commander is gone I just feel…Well, happy."

"Who doesn't?" Destro grinned. "It's like a huge annoying weight has been lifted hasn't it?"

"Yeah but…" Torch spoke up. "How long are we going to let Cobra Commander run around wherever he is?"

"As long as we can," Zartan told him.

"So you have no problem letting Destro be in charge?" Ripper asked.

"Well he is Cobra's second in command," Zartan waved. "I'm sure he can't do any worse than Cobra Commander."

The Baroness looked at Destro. "You doubled his fee, didn't you?"

"Small price to pay for peace and quiet," Destro shrugged.

"Well what if Cobra Commander finds us?" Torch asked.

"Hopefully never," Destro sighed. "Let's assume he didn't drown in the ocean. I'm hoping he stays wherever he is for a long time."

Back at the Trash Island…

"I am not staying here on this god forsaken island any longer! There's got to be something I can make a raft out of," Cobra Commander looked around.

Crystal Ball spun his head around inside the ball. "You mean like that broken canoe over there?"

"That could work…" Cobra Commander blinked.

DAY SIX:

"You could do some work you know?" Cobra Commander snapped as he worked on the makeshift canoe.

"With what?" Crystal Ball snapped. "I don't have any hands!"

"Oh right," Cobra Commander realized. "Well tell me the weather forecast! You're a freaking psychic! Tell me how the weather will be!"

BADABOOOM! CRACK!

Then it started to downpour on the two of them. "It's raining," Crystal Ball said in a deadpanned tone.

"I hate you…" Cobra Commander growled as he got soaked.

DAY SEVEN:

"The first thing I am going to do when I get back…" Cobra Commander grumbled as he paddled the canoe. "Is take a hot shower. Then a long stiff drink. And then I will murder everyone!"

"Everyone that's still alive obviously," Crystal Ball remarked as his ball lay in the canoe. "How are you going to kill them? Talk them to death?"

"You know the only reason I brought you along is so that I could use you to crack coconuts, right?" Cobra Commander snapped.

"That and the fact that you can't live without yelling at someone," Crystal Ball told him.

"I must admit it is a good stress reliever," Cobra Commander grumbled as he paddled. "At least now we're away from those damn seagulls."

Just then Cobra Commander then noticed some fins sticking out of the water. They started circling his canoe. "This can't be good."

"Those seagulls are looking pretty good right about now aren't they?" Crystal Ball remarked.

"Oh shut up!" Cobra Commander groaned.

"Well at least things can't get any worse," Crystal Ball quipped.

DAY EIGHT:

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Cobra Commander screamed as a vicious storm tossed their canoe about. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

"Thank God I'm dead," Crystal Ball groaned. "Or else I'd really be seasick!"

"I DON'T WANT TO DIE!" Cobra Commander screamed. Then he noticed several shark fins still swimming around despite the huge waves. "OH COME ON!"

DAY NINE:

"BACK! BACK YOU SAVAGES!" Cobra Commander whacked the sharks as he made it to shore. His uniform was torn in places and ripped.

"I can't believe one of those stupid things tried to eat me," Crystal Ball said as he rolled up on a sandy beach. "Then again, they did try to eat you. No accounting for taste I suppose."

"NOW I'M ON ANOTHER FREAKING ISLAND!" Cobra Commander shouted.

"Hey at least this one isn't made of garbage," Crystal Ball told him. "And you're not being attacked by seagulls every five minutes."

"Right," Cobra Commander groaned as he plopped on the beach. "I survived. Again. Alone. Again…Story of my freaking life."

"Alone?" Crystal Ball asked. "Hello? Where am I exactly?"

"In the center of Useless Ville!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Now where the hell am I?"

"We're on an island somewhere in the Pacific," Crystal Ball told him.

"Thank you Captain Obvious!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I meant which island?"

"I don't know! My GPS is on the fritz for some reason," Crystal Ball grumbled. "I knew I should have done that update when I had the chance."

"You have a GPS in your…?" Cobra Commander did a double take. "Never mind! I need a drink."

"Hang on!" Crystal Ball focused. "I think I got something. You need to go half a mile in that direction." He turned around. "There!"

"Are you sure?"

"No. Do you have a better plan?" Crystal Ball asked.

"Unfortunately, I do not," Cobra Commander grumbled as he got up and picked up Crystal Ball.

Soon they were in a grove with a waterfall and a pool. Surrounding the pool was lush greenery and flowers. Bananas and coconuts hung from the trees. The spray from the waterfall created a small but beautiful little rainbow. And tiny colorful fish occasionally jumped from the pond.

"What the hell is this dump?" Cobra Commander snapped. "What? No bar?"

"I'm afraid this island is uninhabited so we're stuck here," Crystal Ball said.

"Great! Stuck in a place with no alcohol!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Seriously, I'd even settle for a coffee shop right about now."

"It's not that bad," Crystal Ball said. "There's water. Bananas and coconuts for food. There's fish in the water to eat too. A cave over there for shelter. And oh yeah, this island isn't made of garbage!"

"Good point," Cobra Commander groaned as he sat down. "I don't suppose you can send out an SOS signal or something?"

"No but I can show all the cable, network and premium channels so you won't miss any shows," Crystal Ball said.

"You got Baskets season two?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Oh yeah," Crystal Ball nodded. "And Archer Season 8."

"Let's start with Baskets and then move onto Archer," Cobra Commander settled in. "No wait, Archer first. Then Baskets!"

"Okay but we gotta stick in Feud with Bette and Joan and the new season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," Crystal Ball said.

"I'll concede to Feud but I never watched Sunny," Cobra Commander said.

"Oh it's hilarious," Crystal Ball said. "Imagine American Dreadnoks and Danny Devito running a bar. Only they're doing anything but running a bar."

"Oh this I have to see," Cobra Commander said. "As well as the new Big Bang Theory and Veep."

"Well duh!" Crystal Ball said. "Oh the new Dancing with the Stars is on live!"

"Switch to that one!" Cobra Commander said. "Switch to that one!"

"Got it," Crystal Ball said.

Cobra Commander sat and watched. "Oh look. It's Tiffany Weapons. When did she get out of rehab?"

"About a week before this show started," Crystal Ball remarked. "Oooh! Just knocked down her dance partner. And now she's tackling one of the judges for some reason."

"Well that's going to cost some points," Cobra Commander remarked.

DAY THIRTEEN:

"I tell you if Aubrey Plaza does not at least get a nomination for her role in Legion, it would be a crime!" Cobra Commander snapped as he sipped a drink through a draw. His cup of course was a coconut.

"Yeah I just wish the action on the show was a little faster paced," Crystal Ball remarked. His face was not seen because he was currently running the program.

"But look at how she goes from funny to menacing at the drop of a hat!" Cobra Commander said. "It's a psychological drama! That's real acting! I tell you even I could learn a thing or two from her on intimidation."

"Let me guess," Crystal Ball sighed. "Another Parks And Rec marathon after this?"

"It's a great show and it helps me cope!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I need something to lift my spirits as I struggle to survive in this wilderness!"

"Struggling?" Crystal Ball showed his face again. "You've been vegging out watching TV programs, eating bananas and drinking fermented coconut milk since we got here!"

"Well I need something with a kick and surprisingly the fermented coconut milk will do in a pinch," Cobra Commander admitted. "I think it's my superior Cobra La metabolism."

"I think it's because you're a total lush," Crystal Ball remarked.

"Just keep it up!" Cobra Commander pointed. "Just wait until after Sweeps Week. You are so out of here!"

"Speaking of which…" Crystal Ball sensed something. "I think there's a ship nearby."

"Don't change the subject you…" Cobra Commander did a double take. "A SHIP! Are you sure?"

"Only one way to find out idiot!" Crystal Ball snapped.

Soon Cobra Commander was carrying Crystal Ball onto the beach. "Hey! It's a ship! A ship!" Cobra Commander whooped. "I'm saved! I'm saved!"

"OVER HERE! OVER HERE!" Cobra Commander waved as a lifeboat full of men came closer to the shore.

"Who do you think they are?" Crystal Ball asked.

"Who cares as long as they rescue us?" Cobra Commander said. "They could be sailors or fishermen or…"

CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!

"Pirates…" Cobra Commander groaned as the men turned their weapons on him.

"Hi guys…" Crystal Ball gulped.

"Oh this is never good," Cobra Commander groaned as the pirates advanced on him.