Here's a disclaimer! This entire idea isn't mine! It comes from Invader Johnny! Happy Birthday Invader Johnny!
The Curious Incident Of The Barking Baroness
Meanwhile back at Cobra Command….
"I think I'll go for a walk outside now," Destro sang to himself happily as he walked the hallways. "The sun is calling my name."
"I hear you now!" Mindbender caught up to him. "You're in a good mood."
"Well Mindbender why shouldn't I be?" Destro asked. "Profits are up. Morale is up. Pointless meetings are down."
"I know what you mean," Mindbender nodded. "Even my lab rats are more upbeat than usual. It's amazing how much work you can get done if your test animals have just the right attitude."
"It has been a pleasant couple of weeks, hasn't it?" Destro sighed.
"Hello boys," The Baroness walked up to them. "Isn't it a wonderful day?"
"I know," Mindbender said. "I was just saying that."
"It just feels like an enormous dark cloud has lifted," The Baroness said. "A burden if you will."
"Hey blokes!" Torch poked his head out of the room. "You gotta come here and see this!"
"Oh here it comes again," The Baroness sighed.
"To be fair," Destro sighed. "That particular dark cloud never left."
They went into another room where Zartan, Zarana and Zandar were sitting at a computer desk. "You are not going to believe this," Zandar said.
"Try me," Destro sighed. "Sometimes we are surprisingly gullible."
"Remember when Dr. Venom had that crazy ray gun that made The Baroness think she was a dog?" Zarana asked.
"Vividly," The Baroness growled.
"Yeah you sounded exactly like that!" Torch pointed at her. The Baroness growled at him again. "Exactly! Like that!"
"Those videos are still extremely popular online," Zartan explained. "In fact people have been asking for more of them."
"And not just us," Torch said. "Tell 'em Zartan about the rich bloke!"
"Have you heard of Walden Kelso?" Zartan asked.
"The teenager who created this startup company in his basement and is now worth over twenty billion dollars?" Destro asked. "Because he now also owns half the fast food restaurants in the world as well as a huge stake in the legal pot business? I'm aware of him."
"He wants to buy the Baroness Barks website for over a billion dollars," Zartan said.
"THE WHAT?" The Baroness shouted. "I THOUGHT THOSE DISGUSTING VIDEOS WERE TAKEN DOWN?"
"No just moved around," Torch shrugged.
"And who the hell decided to do that?" The Baroness shouted.
Destro wasted no time. "Cobra Commander."
"Yeah it was his idea," Zartan said quickly.
"I heard him," Mindbender nodded. "It was Cobra Commander and one of his crazy schemes to make money."
"Which for once actually worked!" Zartan asked. "And there's more!"
"Oh there's more?" The Baroness snarled.
"He will pay us an extra five million dollars if we send him an exclusive new video of the Baroness acting like a bitch," Zarana said.
"Which honestly should be easy for you Baroness," Torch added.
"Are you telling me some rich brat is going to pay us five million dollars just for one short video to put on his website?" Destro was stunned. "How do we know this isn't a scam?"
"We have the authentication codes right here," Zandar pointed. "It's real all right."
"We already sold the website and have the money deposited in Cobra's account," Zartan said. "Minus one or two thousand. Taxes."
"Since when do you pay taxes on the internet?" The Baroness snapped.
"You would be surprised how fast those politicians would pass legislation when money is involved," Zartan said with a straight face. "But we could make five million more dollars easily!"
"NO! NO WAY NO HOW!" The Baroness shouted.
"Baroness we're not talking a few measly bucks here," Zarana said. "We're talking millions of dollars! If you think about it…"
"There is nothing to think about!" The Baroness bristled. "I have my dignity!"
"Oh please," Torch scoffed. "You lost that the day you started dating Destro."
"Good one!" Zartan laughed.
"This is patriarchal oppression!" The Baroness snapped. "Having women lose their dignity for men's amusement!"
"I've read and seen clips from The Handmaid's Tale," Zarana rolled her eyes. "This isn't exactly Giliad we're talking about!"
"Oh stop being a Martha!" The Baroness snapped. "This happens all the time! In television! Movies! Books! Women are treated like vapid thoughtless sex objects whose pain and degradation is used to amuse and entertain men!"
Mindbender gave her a look. "I didn't see you this passionate about women's dignity the time the Dreadnoks accidentally covered Cadet Deming in feathers and set her on fire!"
"That's different," The Baroness. "Cadet Deming is a blonde! She is a vapid thoughtless sex object and her pain and degradation was entertaining to me!"
"There actually is a clause about thin blondes," Zarana told them. "It was put in the Thin Blonde Exception Act of 1926."
"So it's only funny if it happens to thin attractive women that aren't you?" Zandar looked at the women.
"Why do you think Katlin Olsen gets all the laughs?" Zarana looked at her brother.
"Duh!" The Baroness snapped.
"Well you're not a thin attractive woman Baroness so…" Torch began.
"You are really testing my last nerve here!" The Baroness snapped. "I have shot men for lesser insults."
"Lucky bastards," Zandar grumbled. "They don't have to listen to you anymore."
"Okay that's it!" The Baroness pulled out her weapon. "Who wants to taste lasers first?"
"Baroness you are not going to shoot anyone," Destro sighed. "Believe me nothing would make me happier than to see their smoldering corpses at my feet. But we do have a slight staffing problem so…"
"Fine I won't shoot them," The Baroness sighed.
"It's not like you don't have lousy aim anyway," Torch added.
That was when The Baroness started to wail on Torch. "OW! OW! OW! OW!" Torch screamed in pain.
"Quick get this on camera!" Zarana said.
"On it," Zandar filmed the beating on his phone.
"OWW! OW! OW!" Torch screamed on the floor as the Baroness kicked and beat him.
"Oh that has got to be worth at least a couple hundred bucks," Zartan snickered.
"I'll give you two hundred if you send me a copy," Destro said.
"Done!" Zartan nodded. "See?"
"Now give us a growl!" Zandar shouted as he filmed.
"GRRRR!" The Baroness glared at him.
"Like that!" Zandar grinned.
"Put that away before I shove it up your ass!" The Baroness shouted. Zandar wisely did so. "I am not letting you idiots film me acting like a dog! AGAIN!"
"Baroness," Mindbender said. "All you have to do is bark and beat up Torch to get a cut of five million dollars. That's basically what you do for free every week!"
"I'm not doing it!" The Baroness snapped.
"Thank you for that…" Torch moaned.
"I'm not doing it for you!" The Baroness shouted.
"Don't care," Torch moaned. "Ow my ribs…"
"I am not degrading myself for five million dollars!" The Baroness snapped.
"Well technically no," Mindbender said. "Since you wouldn't get all the five million dollars. I mean you'd get a cut but…"
"SHUT UP!" The Baroness shouted. "I'm not doing it!"
"Seriously," Zarana asked. "How is this different than what an actress on some dumb sitcom does?"
"Yeah!" Torch added as he got up. "You really think a hot number like Doris Roberts would be seen with a guy like Peter Boyle in real life? Get a clue!"
"What?" Destro did a double take.
"Torch has some…unusual tastes," Zartan sighed. "Don't ask."
"Wasn't planning to," Destro groaned.
"Well I'm not planning to degrade myself for a bag of gold!" The Baroness snapped. "And I expect some kind of payment out of that billion you idiots made off me!"
"Technically that was Cobra Commander!" Zandar called out as she left.
"You think she bought that?" Torch asked.
"I highly doubt it," Zandar sighed.
"Well there goes five million dollars," Destro grumbled.
"There is another alternative," Mindbender suggested.
"You still have that ray that made her think she was a dog, don't you?" Destro asked.
"Yes," Mindbender said. "That's why I said there was another alternative."
"Wait," Zartan asked. "Wasn't that Dr. Venom's invention?"
"Yes, and I stole it from him," Mindbender rolled his eyes. "Any other stupid questions?"
"You're willing to turn the Baroness back into a dog again?" Zarana asked. "What am I saying? She's already a raving bitch."
"Yeah but how are you gonna zap her?" Torch asked. "She's not exactly gonna stand still and let you do it."
"Oh that will be easy," Mindbender waved. "I have a ruse."
"A ruse?" Destro snapped.
"Dude," Torch said. "Even I know it will take more than a bloody ruse to trick that woman!"
"It's a really good one," Mindbender said.
A short time later.
"Baroness!" Mindbender called out. "There's another video online of Destro cheating on you! With some bimbo! I think it's Cadet Deming!"
"WHAT?" The Baroness screamed as she stormed into the room where Mindbender was waiting.
He had the ray gun with him. He shot the Baroness. She gave out a bark and dropped to all fours. "There, five million dollars guaranteed," Mindbender grinned.
"That was a really good ruse," Torch remarked. He was standing next to him.
"GRRRR…" The Baroness growled.
"Uh oh…" Mindbender gulped. "Maybe too good?"
"RARRRRR! BARK! BARK!" The Baroness started to chase after them on all fours.
"RUN!" Mindbender screamed. Soon the two men were running down the hallway.
"ZANDAR!" Torch screamed as they ran past him. "HELP!"
"Don't worry," Zandar said. "I've got my phone." He recorded the chase.
An hour later…
"Not only did we get paid five million for the chase," Zartan explained to Destro and his siblings. "We got a contract for another five million for every new video!"
"So, we're going to keep the Baroness a dog for the foreseeable future?" Zandar asked.
"Apparently," Destro sighed.
"Hooray…" Mindbender groaned. His head was bandaged. Torch's arm was in a sling.
"Well that's going to be a problem," Zarana sighed. "The Baroness just escaped about twenty minutes ago."
"What do you mean by escaped?" Destro whirled on her.
"Escaped," Zarana looked at him. "As in got away. Left the building and can't be found."
"How…?" Destro began.
"It all happened so fast," Zarana protested. "I went outside to give her walkies. She saw a squirrel. The leash slipped from my grasp. She's gone!"
"Oh for the love of…" Destro groaned. "How do we find her?"
"No, the real question is do we want her back?" Torch asked. "Tell me I'm not wrong!"
"Ehhh…" The others admitted with a shrug.
"So now what do we do?" Zandar asked.
"I have another plan," Destro looked at Zarana. "Zarana how much would it take for you to put on a wig and pretend you're the Baroness?"
"Three million," Zarana folded her arms. "At least."
"Three million?" Destro and Mindbender shouted.
"You want me to pretend to be The Baroness," Zarana snapped. "Forget the dog part! That alone is humiliating enough!"
"How about five thousand?" Mindbender picked up the ray. "And we don't turn you into a dog too to save money?"
"Since you're also a bitch that would be a cost saving move," Destro remarked.
"Listen you…" Zarana did a double take. "Cobra Commander! How long have you been standing there?"
"What?" Mindbender and Destro turned around. "Where…?"
Swiftly Zarana grabbed the ray from Mindbender and fiddled with it. "Oh wait I have a better idea!" She then shot the ray at both Destro and Mindbender.
"Meow," Destro blinked. He dropped on all fours and started purring.
"Meoowwww!" Mindbender blinked. Then he dropped on all fours and started to lick his arm.
"Oh this is much better," Zarana grinned. "I like this direction."
"That was also a good ruse," Torch blinked.
"Okay three million sounds fair," Zartan gulped.
"Very fair," Zandar agreed. "I mean come on. The dog part aside…It is the Baroness."
"I'm not going to play the Baroness being a dog, idiots," Zarana rolled her eyes. "I was lying so they would let their guard down a bit. Which is all I needed."
"So instead of Mindbender turning you into a dog," Torch blinked. "You tricked Mindbender and Destro and turned them into cats? Why?"
"Besides the fact he wanted to turn me into a dog?" Zarana asked. "One, the Baroness had a point about dignity. And two…"
Zarana went to a locked door and unlocked it. "Here girl! Here girl!" She called out.
The Baroness jumped out and started barking when she saw Destro and Mindbender. They screeched and ran for their lives on all fours. The Baroness chased after them barking like crazy.
"That's why," Zarana grinned.
"Ohhhhh," Torch said. "You lied about the Baroness running away, didn't you?"
"Duh!" Zarana smirked.
"BARK! BARK! BARK!"
"MEOWWWWWW!"
"You planned this all along!" Zartan realized. "You clever minx."
"Mom always said I had the brains in the family," Zarana grinned.
"You know that is funnier than just watching the Baroness run around barking," Zandar snickered.
"Then get recording!" Zarana ordered.
"Oh right," Zandar nodded and did so with his phone.
"BARK! BARK!"
"MEOWWWWW!"
"OOH!" Torch winced. "The Baroness bit Destro in the ass."
"Well he should be used to that by now," Zarana laughed.
"You know…?" Zartan said. "If we keep them as animals…"
"Technically they were already animals," Zarana quipped.
"Good one," Zartan snickered. "But if we keep them like this. We could make a fortune!"
"That was the plan," Zarana nodded.
"For how long?" Torch asked.
"For as long as we can drag this out," Zarana said.
CRASH!
"BARK! BARK!"
"MEOOWWWW!"
"Well if this isn't worth five million I don't know what is," Zandar grinned.
"BARK! BARK! BARK!"
"MEOOWWW!"
"You know?" Zandar said. "At this rate Cobra wouldn't have to use terrorism to take over the world. We could just buy half of it with all the money we'd make."
"So just so I'm clear on this," Torch said. "Cobra Commander's gone. The Baroness is a dog again. And now Destro and Mindbender are cats? So who's gonna run Cobra?"
Zarana and Zartan gave each other a grin. "Oh I believe we can think of something," Zartan smirked.
"Toby Lord of Dark Matter is going to be in charge?" Torch asked. The siblings gave him a look.