The Kidnapping Of Walden Kelso

The following day found the Baroness looking over several papers at the table in the conference room. "All right," She said to herself. "Putting our latest money-making scheme aside I think with this new organizational chart we just might pull ourselves out of this financial hole."

CRASH! SMASH!

"BAAAAHHHHHH!"

"Now if only I could put the Dreadnoks in an actual hole," The Baroness groaned.

"Oh man that was classic!" Torch laughed as the majority of Dreadnoks walked into the room.

"Get this," Monkeywrench snickered. "We were playing matador with Zartan and Zandar. Even though they were sheep. And they ran into everything and…"

"Stop right there!" The Baroness held up her hand. "I think I'll just let the janitors be surprised. I have a lot of work to do here and I don't need to be interrupted constantly by the Idiot Brigade."

"Well if we see them we'll tell them not to bother you," Torch nodded.

Road Pig entered the room. He was now wearing a blonde wing, blue eyeshadow with pink lipstick and wearing a pink dress complete with fake breasts underneath. "Here you go Boss," Road Pig AKA Tiffany AKA the maniac formerly known as Donald/Road Pig said.

"Thank you, Tiffany," The Baroness took the papers. "Excellent work."

"What the hell is this?" Buzzer did a double take.

"Tiffany is now my new administrative assistant," The Baroness explained as she took a drink. "Honestly I've never had a better one."

"Just so I'm up to speed," Monkeywrench asked. "Everyone is just okay with this? We're just going to accept this? This is normal now?"

"Pretty much yeah," Torch shrugged.

"Yup," Buzzer said.

"No skin off my nose," Ripper admitted.

"She makes a damn good Cosmo," The Baroness shrugged. "And can type with no spelling or grammatical errors. I'm good."

"You have a problem with strong women?" Tiffany growled at Monkeywrench. Then she picked up a paperweight off the desk with her hand and crushed it.

"Noope," Monkeywrench gulped. "Just making sure we're all on the same page here. So Tiffany are you like available or…?"

"Oh God," The Baroness rolled her eyes.

"Men!" Tiffany rolled her eyes. "Am I right?"

"Hey where's Zarana?" Buzzer asked.

"I sent her out to kidnap Walden Kelso," The Baroness told them.

"Without us?" Buzzer asked.

"I have a feeling she can handle it," The Baroness said. "Actually, it might be easier for her this way. If you know…You lot weren't in her way."

Torch paused. "That is a very accurate observation."

Monkeywrench saw something. "Well I'm observing Zarana coming in now!"

"Mission accomplished," Zarana had taken off a brown wig and was wearing a women's suit and tie. "The brat's here."

"Excellent," The Baroness smiled. "Did he give you any trouble?"

"Actually, it was a lot easier than I thought it would be," Zarana remarked.

"I knew it would," The Baroness said. "Especially without Dumb-Knocks over here."

"Did he put up much of a fight?" Torch snickered.

"Not really," Zarana shrugged.

FLASHBACK!

Zarana was behind the wheel of a car in her disguise, complete with wig and sunglasses. The door opened and a lanky teenage boy about 16 with brown shaggy hair and glasses entered in. He was wearing a white T-shirt, jean jacket, jean shorts and boots and was looking at his phone.

"All right Uber driver man," Walden Kelso said not looking up from his phone. "Gaming conference."

"No problem dude," Zarana said in a deep voice as she drove off.

FLASHFORWARD!

"He thought you were an Uber driver?" The Baroness was stunned.

"Still does," Zarana remarked. "Idiot hasn't looked up from his damn phone since he got in the car."

"Where is he now?" The Baroness asked.

"I put him in a closet and told him it was a green room," Zarana smirked. "I wanted to see if he would notice."

"Hey! This green room is pretty small!" A muffled voice was heard. "And dark. But the reception is great!"

"You think we should tell him he's been kidnapped?" Zarana asked sarcastically.

"Oh, why not?" The Baroness got up, taking her drink with her. Everyone went to the closet in the adjoining room.

Zarana opened the closet door with a flourish. "Hey! The light is too bright!" Walden complained not even looking up. "It's hard to see my screen. And I'm getting a really high score on Zombie Gingerbread Men Attack!"

"And I thought those Generation X brats back in the day were annoying," Torch whispered to the other Dreadnoks.

"You know saying back in the day makes you sound old right?" Buzzer snorted.

"Well I probably am old," Torch shrugged. "I don't remember how old I am. But I know my birthdate was a long time ago. Before the Sydney Opera House was built."

"That is old," Walden then looked up from his phone. "Whoa…Old dudes."

"I think we look pretty good for our age considering," Ripper snorted.

"Oh right that whole magic water stuff we all ended up in that makes us stay young for a long time," Torch blinked.

"What?" Walden blinked.

"Long story," The Baroness sighed. "Rather dull actually but that's beside the point…"

"This isn't the gaming conference is it?" Walden asked.

"No, which reminds me…" Zarana grabbed Walden's phone.

"Hey! My phone!" Walden shouted.

"You'll get it back eventually!" Zarana snapped. "After you do some things for us!"

"But I need my phone!" Walden pleaded. "I…Hey! You're the Dog Lady!"

"My name…" The Baroness gritted her teeth as the Dreadnoks snickered. "Is the Baroness! And you are a prisoner of Cobra!"

"Who?" Walden blinked.

"Typical," Tiffany rolled her eyes. "We're a terrorist organization. Formed in the 80's. Determined to take over the world. We once stole the bloody Eiffel Tower. That doesn't ring a bell with you?"

"What do they teach these kids these days?" Torch agreed.

"Is that really a dude?" Walden asked.

Buzzer shrugged. "Used to be two dudes. Long story. Don't ask."

"Hey Dog Lady," Walden laughed. "Bark like a dog for me! I'll give you fifty bucks to bark like a dog!"

"Oh dude," Torch shook in fear when he saw the look in The Baroness' eyes. "No…No!"

"He's gonna get it," Monkeywrench gulped.

"I am only going to ask this once," The Baroness glared at him. "What is it with you and women barking like a dog?"

"I just get off on it," Walden admitted.

"Ooh," Monkeywrench winced. "Wrong answer. Wrong answer."

"Really?" The Baroness gave him a glance. "You get off on women acting like animals huh? Funny. I get off on this!"

WHACK!

With one swift kick to the groin the Baroness laid Walden low without spilling her drink. Then she put her heel on his neck and took a sip of her drink. "Very satisfying…"

"Oww…" Walden moaned. "Still into this."

"Okay let's turn him into an animal now!" The Baroness shouted as she kicked Walden away.

"What?" Walden blinked.

"BAAAHHHH!"

CRUNCH! CRUNCH!

"BAHH! BAHHH!" Zartan and Zandar bounded in like sheep.

"Just out of curiosity," Tiffany pointed to Zartan and Zandar. "Does that get you off?"

"Not really," Walden grumbled as he sat up. "They're dudes! Ewww…"

"Well too bad," The Baroness snapped. "Because we're going to turn you into an animal…Correction, an actual animal you male chauvinist pig…In fact turning you into an actual pig is sounding more and more satisfying…"

"Uh no, we're not…" Zarana looked out the door. She walked back in with a broken ray.

"Oh…" The Baroness groaned. "Of course…The Dreadnoks' stupidity strikes again."

"Wait," Torch blinked. "Does this mean Zartan and Zandar are gonna stay sheep?"

"Not like they weren't sheep before," The Baroness shrugged.

"But the ray is broken!" Zarana snapped. "Now what do we do?"

"We go to Plan B!" The Baroness snapped. "We hold him for ransom!"

"This is going to be like an All the Money in the World/Trust rip-off isn't it?" Torch asked.

"Well I'm not chopping this guy's ear off that's for sure," Tiffany huffed. "That's not in my job description!"

"This isn't going to be anything like the whole Getty incident!" The Baroness snapped. "I'm assuming people actually want him back so they'll pay!"

"You know what I don't get?" Torch asked.

"Knowing you that could be literally anything," The Baroness groaned.

"Why did they make a movie and a TV show about the exact same thing around the same time?" Torch asked. "I mean whoever owns the right to the Getty story is really cashing in on the whole thing."

"Dude," Monkeywrench looked at him. "The guy had his ear cut off, was tortured. Became a drug addicted alcoholic who was paralyzed and blinded by a stroke due to all the drugs he took. Then died after a long horrible illness."

"Spoiler alert!" Walden snapped as he stood up.

"This happened in the 70's and early 80's!" Zarana snapped. "It's this new thing called history!"

"Like anybody pays attention to that," Walden snorted.

"You might," The Baroness glared at him. "Seeing that if we don't get that money you might share John Getty the Third's fate."

"Wait, what?" Walden gasped. "You're kidding right?"

"Let me put it to you this way mate," Torch sighed. "Knowing the Baroness, she won't cut off your ear."

"Oh, that's a relief," Walden sighed.

"She'll cut off some other body parts," Torch added. "Body parts a bloke is really attached to. South of the border. If you get what I mean?"

"Not really," Walden blinked.

"I think we just found someone even more clueless than Torch," Buzzer groaned.

"Dude she's gonna go all Lorena Bobbitt on you," Monkeywrench explained.

"Who?" Walden asked.

"You don't know that reference?" Torch was stunned.

"Well I would if I had my phone!" Walden shouted.

"No chance," Zarana snarled. "Don't need you sending out a GPS signal for help!"

"Then how am I gonna know who this Lorna Bobby is?" Walden asked.

"Lorena Bobbitt!" Torch snapped. "And oh, bloody hell…" He went over to Walden and whispered the information in his ear.

Walden's eyes widened. "No way!"

"Way," Torch nodded.

"That actually happened?" Walden gasped.

"Yup," Monkeywrench nodded. "The 90's were a wonderfully violent time."

"And that will happen to you if you don't behave!" The Baroness shouted. "GOT IT?"

"Meep," Walden gulped.

"In fact," The Baroness growled. "I think I am going to give you a lesson about what happens if you disrespect women!"

"Meep!" Walden gulped as he covered his crotch. "Dudes! Help me!"

"Sorry dude," Torch and the other Dreadnoks backed away. "You're on your own!"

"Better him than us!" Buzzer agreed.

"I'll pay you!" Walden shouted.

"We're gonna get paid anyway and…" Torch shrugged. "Again. Better you than us!"

"I'm really enjoying being a woman this year," Zarana grinned.

"Me too," Tiffany nodded. The Baroness sighed and just took another drink.