Do You Want Fries With That?
"So, this is one of our old safehouses?" Destro was surprised as the Cobras assembled in the back room of the chicken shack.
"A low level one," Zartan said. "Zandar and I scoped out the underground rooms."
"There's some bedrooms, two bathrooms, a communications room," Zandar said. "And a room full of disguises and wigs. And some weapons. But no cash."
"We used it to pay ourselves weeks ago!" The cook snapped. He and a small staff of workers arrived. "By the way. We quit!"
"What?" Destro shouted.
"You heard me," The cook said. "Take this job and shove it!"
"I'm gonna go be a barista at Starbucks," One server said.
"I'm going back to college," Another said.
"I'm going to work for Disney," A third said.
"I can't blame you for that," Destro admitted with a groan. "They are really taking over everything."
"Me, I'm gonna open up my own food truck!" The cook said. "Goodbye and good riddance losers!" They all left the restaurant.
"Well that was rude," Mindbender sniffed. "Now what?"
"Well we need to get money somehow…" Zarana looked around the restaurant. "And the freezer is stocked. All the equipment seems to work."
"You are not suggesting what I think you are suggesting?" The Baroness snapped.
Zartan snapped. "What there is in the cash drawer won't even let us get down the street! Much less out of the country!"
"This is a new low even for us!" The Baroness groaned.
"Doing an honest day's work yes I can see that," Mindbender quipped. "It reminds me of one of my first jobs as a teenager. You know I worked at a Bjorn's Bratwurst Bash for a couple of years. I worked my way up from Sauerkraut Boy to Brat-Rista."
"What…?" Destro blinked.
"It's like a barista only with sausage," Mindbender explained. "That was a huge honor back in those days. If you were a Brat-Rista, you got respect. Turns out it was also an in with me into dental college. The Headmaster was a Brat-Rista as well."
"You worked with sausage in your formative years," Xamot blinked.
"That explains a few things," Tomax told his brother.
"Hey!" Mindbender snapped. "Don't knock The Triple B! I got a scholarship to dental school working there through their Brats of the Future program. I also got the money for my first car. And I lost my virginity there in the back freezer! Man, those sausage girls knew how to…"
"ENOUGH!" The Baroness snapped. "I am the Baroness! I admit I have done many distasteful and revolting things in my time…"
"Like Destro," Zartan quipped. Destro glared at him.
"But I will not stoop to be some kind of…" The Baroness grimaced. "Chicken server! Hear me? I won't do it!"
Over an hour later…
"Welcome to Clucky's Chicken Shack," The Baroness sighed as she stood at the counter. She wore a Clucky's uniform, a blonde wig and was speaking with an American accent. Her name tag said BARBARA. "How may I help you?"
"Yeah…" A large very fat man stood at the counter. "I want two family size Clucky's Meals with extra butter gravy. An extra-extra-large side of cheesy tater tots. A medium size biscuit bowl. And I'd better get something for the kids so two Little Cluckers with crispy tenders. A big bag of fudge for dessert and four large diet cokes to go."
"Okay…" The Baroness punched in the order.
"Would you like fries with that sir?" Zandar popped in. He was also wearing a brown wig and had covered his face markings that made him look like an average guy. His name tag said BRAD. "They're free with every Clucky's meal."
"If they're free why not?" The man grinned.
"Barbara please put in two orders of free fries for the customer?" Zandar smirked.
"Certainly…" The Baroness glared at him. "Will that be all?"
"Yeah that's it," The man said.
"That will be fifty-three seventy-five," The Baroness rang it up. "ORDER UP!" She sent the order in.
"I only have a hundred so…" The man gave it to her. "Just printed it this morning."
"Ha, ha," The Baroness fake laughed at the joke. She made change. "Seriously? Where's that order?"
"I know right?" The man groaned. "So much for fast food!"
"Here we go!" Zandar walked over with a huge sack.
"About time!" The man said as he took it. "That took forever."
"Yes, you actually had to wait a full minute for your meal," The Baroness grumbled under her breath.
"What?" The man asked.
"I said enjoy your meal," The Baroness put on a fake smile.
"Oh right," The man shrugged and shuffled away and left the building.
"Enjoy your heart attack," The Baroness grumbled when he was out of earshot.
"Strewth," Zarana came up to the Baroness. She was wearing a red wig with the name CHERYL on her name tag. "That bloke looks like he's one chicken nugget away from exploding."
"Well he was the only customer we've had in an hour!" Zandar warned.
"Yeah, those Six-Gals Burgers across the street is getting all our business," Zarana remarked. "Well that and the Burrito Barn. Which is also across the street. And Veggie City. And Flapjack's Fun House. Captain Crinkle's. Super Smoothies Stand."
"Short Siren's is really doing good business as well," Zandar added. "And of course, we can't forget the Dairy Queen."
"There is a whole plaza of better food places right across the street!" The Baroness groaned. "Some plan Zarana! At this rate we could be stuck here for years!"
"Just started figuring out why all those restaurant workers want a higher minimum wage," Zarana groaned.
"Look we made fifty dollars," Zandar said. "It's a start! Business will pick up eventually. I know it."
"How are you so happy about this?" The Baroness asked.
"I am choosing to look at this as an opportunity to hone my acting abilities," Zandar gave her a look. "I've even come up with a backstory."
"Oh?" The Baroness asked. "What is it? Are you a steel town girl on a Saturday night?"
"No," Zandar said. "Brad Green is a small-town kid from a little place called Sweet Water, Ohio who came out to LA with thirty dollars and a dream."
"I'm pretty sure there's no place called Sweet Water, Ohio," The Baroness said.
"There's one in Florida, Texas and Alabama," Zarana added. "But not Ohio."
"Maybe you're thinking of Sweet Valley High?" The Baroness suggested.
"Or maybe Sweet Apple from Bye Bye Birdie?" Zarana added.
"More like Bye Bye Birdbrain," The Baroness quipped.
"Brad is doing odd jobs until he gets discovered," Zandar went on. "He's currently taking improv classes. There he met a fellow young actress named Tammy. Tammy is writing a musical and Brad is going to be her leading man."
"Oh, for the love of Mike…" Zarana groaned.
"Brad likes Tammy," Zandar went on. "But Brad also has an attraction to Tammy's best friend Monica, who is writing all the music for the play. It's a bit of a will-they-won't they-who will end up with who love triangle."
"You really are delusional you know that?" The Baroness groaned.
"Try sharing a room with him sometime," Zarana said. "Every night he'd tell himself these whacked out bedtime stories. That usually ended up with me getting eaten by a gator. Or a shark."
"Brad also is best friends with Mike and Jeff," Zandar added. "His wacky roommates. Mike wants to be an architect and Jeff is a young professional golfer looking to score on and off the course if you get my drift. Jeff is also attracted to Monica and they have some really fun banter. They hang out at this bar called Barney's…"
"What is this?" Zarana snapped. "A new sitcom called How I Met Your Moron?"
"You were a very lonely child, weren't you?" The Baroness gave him a look.
"He's a very lonely adult," Zarana quipped.
"Hey it could be worse," Zandar remarked. "We could have the jobs in the back!"
"That's true," Zarana agreed.
In the kitchen was Destro wearing an apron and a chef's hat over his clothes.
"This is even more degrading than being a cat," Destro grumbled as he fried chicken.
"At least you don't have to wear a hairnet," Mindbender was heard.
"Mindbender," Destro groaned. "You're bald! Why are you…?"
He turned around and saw there was a hairnet over Mindbender's mustache. "Oh. I see."
"For the record Destro I agree with you," Zartan groaned as he worked the fry booth. He was also wearing a hairnet over his cowl and an apron over his clothes. "I became a mercenary so I wouldn't have to do demeaning jobs like this!"
"It could be worse," Mindbender shrugged. "We could have the Twins' job."
The Twins stormed in wearing janitor uniforms and carrying mops. "Why are we…?" Tomax demanded.
"Janitors?" Xamot asked. "We should be in the front with the cash register!"
Mindbender made a show of thinking. "Hmmm, gee I wonder why we wouldn't entrust the cash register to the two biggest embezzlers and cheats we know?"
"It's a mystery to me," Zartan said dryly. "Now get back there and clean the bathrooms!"
"Uggghhhh…" The Twins said as one before they went to do that.
"All right," Destro said to the others. "I admit that was amusing."
Several hours later…
"And I want half the chicken extra crispy," Another large man ordered. He had a phone in his hand and was constantly texting. "And the other half extra-extra crispy. Butter sauce on the side. Fried pickles but in a separate container because I don't want pickle juice on my chicken. Repeat, no pickle juice on my chicken! If I see even one pickle out of place I will scream."
"You're not the only one…" The Baroness grumbled under her breath.
"And make that two large biscuit bowls," The large man went on. "A large side of mashed potatoes. A large order of fries. And a large order of cheesy tater tots. A bag of fudge. A bucket of brownies. And a large diet coke please."
"Watching your weight?" The Baroness sighed.
"How did you know?" The man asked.
"Lucky guess," The Baroness put the order in using the machine. "ORDER UP!"
In the back…
"Huh…" Zartan read the order. "Customer wants pickles on everything."
"No accounting for taste," Destro shrugged.
It wasn't long before the order was at the counter. "Now you're sure there are no pickles out of place?" The man asked.
"Trust me," The Baroness smirked. "Now get out. I mean…Have a good day."
"Why are you rushing me out the door?" The large man huffed.
"Well for one thing you don't want your food to get cold," The Baroness said. "Secondly We're closing the store."
"You are?" The man asked. "It's kind of early isn't it?"
"New hours," The Baroness quickly said. "Daylight savings time."
"Oh yeah," The man shrugged. He shuffled over to the counter where napkins and other condiments were and stuffed several items into the bag before he left.
"You fat son of a lard bucket," The Baroness grumbled as she locked the door behind him. "Takes half the napkins and way more straws than he needs."
"And more than a handful of ketchup packets," Zandar added as they went into the back. "You know he's going to use those at home."
"Saves on his grocery bills," The Baroness quipped. "But he can afford a seven hundred-dollar iPhone which he texts into the whole time!"
"Maybe that's why he can afford a phone like that?" Destro remarked.
"Will somebody please explain this thing Americans have with diet sodas?" The Baroness asked. "They all order heart attacks with a side of diabetes but they think it's just fine if they have a diet soda!"
"I'm from a country that thinks haggis is a gourmet dish," Destro shrugged. "I'm really not one to judge."
"I'm judging! In the past five hours we have had six customers," The Baroness looked at him. "And two families that just snuck in to use the bathroom!"
"What a mess they made," Tomax grumbled as he drank some diet soda.
"Stuff of nightmares," Xamot agreed as he also drank some diet soda.
"We might as well close early," Destro groaned. "Unless five busses full of football players break down right in front of our door it would be a waste to stay open any longer."
"How long do we have to do this?" The Baroness snapped.
"A week at the most," Zartan said.
"A WEEK?" Zarana snapped.
"You're joking?" Mindbender was stunned.
"You think I like smelling like bloody fried chicken?" Destro snapped.
"I am not doing a week of this!" The Baroness snapped as she tore off her wig.
"We're not doing a week of scrubbing toilets!" Tomax snapped.
"Here! Here!" Xamot agreed.
"It's just until the damn heat is off," Zartan snapped. "And we make enough money to escape out of the country. I admit this isn't exactly my idea of heaven!"
"More like fried Hell," Zandar admitted.
"But with the Joes and the police crawling all over this city we need to lie low and get enough money to get us passage out of town," Zartan said.
"That reminds me," Zandar went over to a TV on the wall and turned it on.
"What are you doing?" Zarana asked.
"I thought I'd watch the news to check out how close we were to being discovered," Zandar gave him a look. "It's this new thing called intelligence gathering."
"Gathering intelligence from a device that lowers it?" Zartan quipped. "Another brilliant idea…"
"Shut up!" Zarana said. "They're talking about us!"
A male newscaster was talking. "Another alleged attempt by the defunct terrorist organization Cobra was thwarted today by some sharp-eyed employees at General Corporation, the company mostly known for it's General Boldness Insurance agency and more recently a series of product recalls."
"Defunct?" The Baroness grumbled.
"Apparently it was the product recalls that alerted the company managers to a secret takeover of terrorists," The newscaster went on.
Toby Lord of Dark Matter was shown in a business suit. "I first noticed strange things happening when the quality of our products and service started to sharply decline downhill. Here at General Corporation we pride ourselves on excellence."
"He's blaming us for the company tanking!" Destro shouted.
"Well he's not wrong," Zarana groaned.
"Shut up!" The Baroness told her.
"You're not my bloody supervisor!" Zarana snapped.
"Here are some copies of documents that prove that Cobra was using our agency as well as a few other dummy corporations in order to fund money," Toby Lord of Dark Matter showed the press. "Including two corporations. One in Seattle and another in New York City."
Everyone glared at the Twins. "You had even another business you were holding out on us?" Zartan shouted.
"We're going to be doing janitor work for a long time aren't we?" Xamot groaned.
"What do you think?" The Baroness shouted.
"Get used to the smell," Destro agreed.
"Earlier today GI Joe arrested an alleged Cobra at General Corporation," An image of Zanzibar being dragged in handcuffs by Roadblock and Gung Ho was seen. "No one knows who he is."
"I apologize brother," Zartan said to Zandar. "This was a good idea!"
"It does make the day a little less sucky doesn't it?" Zarana grinned. "I hope he dies in prison like some of the other Dreadnoks."
"The only reason I let him think he was a Dreadnok was in hopes he'd die like all the others," Zartan admitted. "Ironically the most annoying ones still survive."
"Like Survivor Cockroach Edition?" The Baroness quipped.
"Pretty much," Zartan shrugged.
"More importantly," Toby Lord of Dark Matter added. "We've just found evidence that Cobra has somehow infiltrated our new partners at Kelso Industries. Which we have just given to the authorities about ten minutes ago."
"What?" Destro did a double take. "What is he doing?"
"Breaking news!" The newscaster was back. "There has been a murder today at Kelso Industries…It appears Vice President of Kelso Industries Devon Devonshire was thrown off the roof of the company…By the CEO and founder Walden Kelso."
"WHAT?" Everyone shouted.
"Here are some images from Kelso's Instant Pics account," The newscaster showed images of Walden laughing while Torch and Buzzer threw a well-dressed man off the roof of a building. "The two men in question appear to be members of the infamous Dreadnoks."
"Oh my God…" The Baroness gasped.
"This is shocking even by my standards," Mindbender remarked.
"You don't have any," Zartan said.
"Exactly," Mindbender shrugged.
"Also, Kelso put this post on his Twitter account," The newscaster went on. "Saying. Just threw my lying vice president off the roof. His status, deleted. LOL."
"What is it with millennials putting everything online?" Zartan asked. "When you commit a crime, the last thing you need to do is put up proof that you did it!"
"Especially murder," Tomax agreed.
"I thought people learned that lesson from the Bling Ring," Zandar asked.
"Apparently not," Mindbender shrugged.
"It appears that somehow Cobra's Dreadnoks have managed to brainwash one of the world's wealthiest billionaires," The newscaster blinked.
"The Dreadnoks barely have brains of their own!" Zandar shouted. "Much less controlling others!"
"More like Kelso brainwashed them with the promise of money, violence and free donuts!" Zandar groaned.
"Something tells me the Dreadnoks' latest venture is going to end up like all their other ones," Destro remarked. "Down the toilet."
"Speaking of which," The Baroness gave a look to the Twins. "The stall on the far right of the ladies' room is still backed up…"
"Fine!" Tomax said.
"We're going," Xamot groaned as they left. "It's going to be…"
"A long week," Tomax finished.