We Meet Again
A few days later at the entrance of a large sewer pipe somewhere in the world…
BLAST! BLAST!
"That's it!" Destro shouted as he used his laser blaster to blow open the grate of the sewer. "I never want to see another damn sewer ever again!"
"I agree!" The Baroness groaned as the Cobras emerged from the sewer. They were all covered in filth. "And I thought the chicken restaurant smelled!"
"I'm gonna have to take a hundred showers in Purell before I even come close to feeling clean again," Zarana groaned.
"At least we found a nice plump alligator to eat," Zandar sighed. "Guess there is some validity to that myth after all."
"USING US AS BAIT!" Xamot and Tomax shouted.
"It worked didn't it?" Zartan snarled. "Or would you have preferred to eat the rats? At least I think some of them were rats. A lot of them were walking on two legs so…"
"I am starting to suspect all the toxins in the sewers are starting to mutate the creatures who live in them," Destro groaned. "Whoever heard of a blue alligator? I admit it had a surprisingly pleasant taste…"
"I swear I heard banjos!" Tomax said nervously. "I know I heard banjos!"
"I think we were one wrong turn away from a scene from Deliverance!" Xamot shouted.
"Look! It's over now!" Destro snapped. "We're out of that nightmare!"
The Baroness looked around. "And in a completely new one. Where the devil are we?"
"In the middle of nowhere," Zarana grumbled. "A perfect metaphor for the state of Cobra if there ever was one."
"All I see is a couple of circus tents and a truck over there," Zartan pointed.
"New plan," Destro said. "We take money, clothes and whatever we can get."
"How about a shower first?" The Baroness asked.
Soon they were walking around the tents. "These tents are deserted," Zartan remarked as he held his blaster.
"There's no one here," Zandar admitted. "And barely anything."
"Not even a couple of freaking pennies," Zarana admitted.
"At this point I'd settle for some soap," The Baroness groaned.
"We haven't checked that tent over there," Destro pointed with his weapon.
"I think there's someone inside," Zandar frowned.
"Just follow my lead," Destro remarked.
"Why start now?" Zartan quipped.
Destro ignored him and they entered the tent. Inside was a figure cloaked from head to toe in a mysterious blue robe sitting at a table with a crystal ball on it. "Hand over your money and anything valuable," Destro ordered pointing his weapon at the figure.
The figure raised his head. Then he pulled back the hood. "Yeah," Cobra Commander hissed. "Good luck with that."
"Welcome to Mexico morons," Crystal Ball added as he appeared from within the crystal ball. "What kept you?"
"Cobra Commander!" Destro gasped. "What the hell are you doing here?"
"You're still alive?" Zandar was stunned.
"No thanks to you idiots!" Cobra Commander snapped as he stood up. "Why do you all look and smell like you've been in a sewer for a few days?"
"Because we have been!" Zartan snapped. "Thanks to a certain Chrome Dome's leadership! Or lack of it!"
"I'm not the one who screwed up and lost the company!" Destro snapped.
"That's debatable," Zandar remarked.
"We saw the news footage," Crystal Ball said. "I'd say you're all to blame."
"For once the prehistoric TV set is right," Cobra Commander snapped as he threw off his cloak. "I knew our operation would fall to pieces if I wasn't there!"
"To be fair," Zarana remarked. "It probably would have fallen to pieces even faster if you were there."
"How did you survive anyway?" The Baroness asked. "Last we heard you crashed a car into the ocean."
"He did," Crystal Ball said. "But he managed to hitch a ride on a garbage scow."
"I commandeered it!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"You mean you tried to," Crystal Ball corrected. "Unfortunately for Fang Face, the guys on the barge were better armed. The next thing we knew we were stranded in the middle of the ocean on an island of actual garbage."
"It took me days to construct a raft to get off that hell hole!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I survived by eating discarded Twinkies and drinking New Coke."
"You must have gotten sick as hell," Zartan realized.
"Well not from the Twinkies," Cobra Commander admitted.
"He made the mistake of eating a seagull," Crystal Ball added.
"Anyway," Cobra Commander said sharply. "By using my wits and skill I managed to construct a raft the floating garbage island and make it to a deserted island!"
"Using dumb luck to narrowly avoid getting eaten by sharks," Crystal Ball added.
"I managed to survive on the island using only my wits," Cobra Commander explained.
"Translation," Crystal Ball added. "He drank a lot of fermented coconut juice and spent all day watching TV shows on my crystal ball."
"I have to give him this," Cobra Commander admitted. "He's better and cheaper than cable! Everything was going fine. Until a pirate ship landed on the island."
"Here's where things got weird," Crystal Ball spoke up.
"The pirates kidnapped me and brought me back to their base," Cobra Commander explained. "Where I convinced them I was a powerful wizard."
"How did you do that?" The Baroness asked.
"Hello!" Cobra Commander pointed. "I had a talking crystal ball!"
"I showed them a few clips of the evening news," Crystal Ball added. "They bought it."
"However, within an hour of my convincing the Pirate King that I would be a good second in command," Cobra Commander paused. "There was a slight kerfuffle."
"And by slight kerfuffle he means a successful coup was carried out," Crystal Ball explained. "The old pirate king got killed by his former second in command who became the new pirate king."
"For about an hour before I killed him," Cobra Commander said.
"You didn't kill him," Crystal Ball snapped. "He had a heart attack!"
"Right as he was sentencing me to death," Cobra Commander said. "Talk about timing!"
"That was lucky," Zandar said.
"Eh the guy weighed over three hundred pounds and was smoking a pack an hour," Cobra Commander shrugged. "Honestly the lucky part was him surviving that long. Anyway, the new-new pirate king decided it would be safer to not kill me."
"And instead sold us into slavery at a Mexican circus," Crystal Ball added.
"You're a slave?" Destro gasped.
"Wow, talk about irony," Zartan remarked.
"No! No!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I'm not a slave. But I do have a pretty ironclad contract."
"Somehow he managed to seduce the owner's wife within three days," Crystal Ball explained. "Spoiler alert: that woman is pretty weird."
"That goes without saying," The Baroness said.
"Yeah and the owner caught those two in bed together!" Crystal Ball added.
"It's not as shocking as you think," Cobra Commander groaned. "We didn't get that far. I only got to second base before he walked in. I tell you people do not respect the tie on the door signal anymore!"
"What happened after that?" The Baroness asked. "Obviously the owner didn't kill you…"
"I know," Cobra Commander said. "Good thing there was a shotgun by the bed stand."
"You killed her husband?" The Baroness gasped. "The owner of the circus?"
"Yeah and for some reason the wife was pissed about it," Cobra Commander groaned.
"Well you did cut off her future alimony payments," Tomax said.
"That's what she said!" Cobra Commander said.
"Phrasing," Xamot remarked.
"Long story short…" Cobra Commander sighed.
"Too late," Zarana quipped.
"The wife ran off with the strong man," Cobra Commander sighed. "And everyone else in the circus ran off to do their own thing. Taking pretty much everything valuable with them! Leaving me alone with Alexa's knockoff cousin here!"
"If you're not a prisoner why haven't you escaped?" Destro asked.
"What? And give up show business?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"We've actually been doing pretty well this past few weeks," Crystal Ball explained. "People come in to get their fortunes read. We put on a little show. It's very entertaining."
"It's mostly stock tips and a few pirated clips from Entertainment Tonight," Cobra Commander explained. "But we made some good scratch so…"
"So how did you idiots end up in a sewer?" Crystal Ball asked. "And blowing up a bunch of chicken restaurants?"
"Technically only one chicken restaurant," Zartan groaned. "You heard about that?"
"I get the damn evening news!" Crystal Ball snapped. "Of course, we heard about it!"
"This story I have got to hear!" Cobra Commander remarked.
"Go ahead fearless leader," Zarana said to Destro. "Tell them…"
"Well…" Destro paused.
Ten minutes later…
Cobra Commander blinked. "That story is more ridiculous and improbable than mine!"
"I gotta admit," Crystal Ball said. "I didn't think Cobra Commander's story of incompetence and dumb luck could be topped but you guys…"
"And that's the head of Lucky Yates speaking!" Cobra Commander pointed to Crystal Ball.
"Oh my God," Zarana realized something. "I was wondering who Crystal Ball sounded like. He does sound like Lucky Yates!"
"Looks a lot like him too," Zandar said.
"Who?" Destro snapped.
"You really should be watching those FX stations more," Zartan said.
"Well now that's settled," The Baroness snapped. "What do we do now? Besides finding a damn shower."
"You look like you need a dozen showers," Crystal Ball quipped.
"There's one in the trailer out back behind the tent," Cobra Commander pointed. "Normally I wouldn't think of sharing it but the way you lot smell it's a necessity."
"We might also need some penicillin shots," Zartan groaned. "But what do we do now?"
"Well it's simple," Cobra Commander said. "We have tents. We have some equipment. A truck and an RV. And now that you lot are here, we can travel Mexico as a traveling circus until we find our next big break!"
"WHAT?" Destro shouted.
"Oh, for God's sake!" Cobra Commander snapped. "If Cirque de So Lame can do it why can't we? You idiots are all acrobats, actors and freaks combined! Speaking of freaks where are Mindbender and the Dreadnoks?"
"Last we heard the Dreadnoks escaped to open waters in a yacht owned by Walden Kelso," Zartan said.
Cobra Commander asked. "And Mindbender?"
"Mindbender ran off with a woman to Costa Rica," The Baroness explained.
"Now when you say a woman…" Cobra Commander asked.
"An actual woman," The Baroness said. "Not a robot or a synthoid or any other experiment."
"And when you say ran off with…?" Cobra Commander added.
"She wasn't drugged, hypnotized or paid off," Zarana added. "She willingly went with him. After robbing us and blowing up a couple of restaurants."
"Willingly?" Cobra Commander was stunned.
"I know," Destro sighed. "I was there too and saw it with my own two eyes and I still couldn't believe it!"
"Well believe this!" The Baroness grumbled as she left. "I am going to take my shower!"
"Not if I get there first!" Zarana snapped as she followed her. "Just because I am a Dreadnok don't mean I have to smell like Torch!"
"So now we're going to run a circus?" Destro groaned as he looked upward. "You're really getting a kick out of our misery, aren't you?"
"Maybe the big guy is preparing us for a life in politics?" Zartan quipped.