This chapter was co-written by Coldfusion 180! Thanks buddy!
Cobra Commander walked out. "Thanks a lot! When will people stop giving this crazy woman ideas?"
Cobra Persona: Wild Weasel
"Well, here we are again," Cobra Commander glanced around at the gathered faces of Cobra's High Command in one of the larger rooms at the hotel the following day. "Another broken-down staff meeting in another broken-down base. Boy, this brings back memories."
"None of them good," Destro groaned. "Considering the history of Cobra's staff meetings why are even bothering with this one?"
"Good question," The Baroness grumbled. "Here's a better one. This is a Cobra High Command meeting. Why are they here?"
Blood Wing, Crystal Ball and Scott looked at them. "What?" Crystal Ball asked.
"Why are you three here?" Destro asked. "I get why Crystal Ball is here. He can't really go anywhere. Someone must have brought him."
"Cobra Commander left me here after last night's drinking binge," Crystal Ball explained.
"It was not a drinking binge!" Cobra Commander snapped. "It was a meditation session!"
"Since when are two bottles of tequila necessary for meditation?" Crystal Ball snapped. "More like a medication session!"
"Well I need something to sleep well at night!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"With all the things you've done…" Crystal Ball began.
"I swear I will go bowling with you again!" Cobra Commander snapped. "You want to go through a ball machine? I will do it!"
"Bring it on Pinhead!" Crystal Ball snapped. "Last time you were so soused you only threw gutter balls!"
"I should have thrown you into the gutter years ago!" Cobra Commander snapped.
The Baroness sighed. "With our luck we'll all end up spending our final hours in the gutter!"
"That's one way to improve leadership around here," Crystal Ball quipped. "Cobra will finally be moving up in the world!"
"Moving on with what I was saying," Destro sighed. "I can also understand why Blood Wing is here. He's a vampire that's thousands of years old. He has experience and insight. But why the hell is Mindbender's intern here?"
"I thought this would be good experience for him," Mindbender said.
Crystal Ball spoke up. "Yeah he can learn how not to run a meeting!"
Destro chuckled. "Good one."
"Besides," Mindbender spoke up. "You let the Dreadnoks in these meetings! And Scott is ten times smarter and cleaner than they are!"
"I wouldn't say…" Zartan began. "Okay I'll give you the cleaner part! But Scott isn't…No wait. You're right."
"Where are the Dumb Knocks anyway?" The Baroness looked around. "I haven't seen them all day."
"I thought this place smelled better," Destro remarked.
"My brother and sister took them out to get supplies," Zartan explained.
"Are they bringing back alcohol?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Last I checked they are essential supplies," Zartan gave him a look.
"At least for here," Tomax remarked.
"Not that it's a bad thing," Xamot shrugged.
"Fine he can stay," Cobra Commander waved. "As long as he's quiet."
"Unless he has a good idea," Destro said. "Then he can speak up. Or even a halfway decent idea. Oh, what the hell? Any idea at all! We could use all the help we can get!"
"What do you mean by that?" Cobra Commander asked Destro.
"He means you sunk Cobra worse than the captain of the Titanic," Crystal Ball quipped.
"Quiet, you!" Cobra Commander hissed. "Cobra isn't finished yet! We shall rise again!"
"Sears has a better chance of rising again!" The Baroness snapped. "And it hasn't turned a decent profit since 2010!"
"Look we're doing fine!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Said the Eddie Lampert of the terrorist community," Crystal Ball quipped.
"Fine? Are you serious? Look at this place!" Mindbender swept a hand at their surroundings. "We've gone from living in a fifth-rate fast food restaurant to a negative-rated circus to an abandoned, run-down hotel!"
"Admittedly it is a step up," Destro sighed. "At least we have our own rooms and this place doesn't smell as bad. But we're not exactly doing fine by any stretch of the imagination!"
"We have no cash. No income," Tomax reported.
"No electricity," Xamot added.
"We're working on that!" Cobra Commander snapped. "How are we doing on that anyway Mindbender?"
"It's coming along," Mindbender shrugged.
"I keep telling him he should try those solar panels we found in the barn in the back," Scott said.
"Scott you are here to listen and learn!" Mindbender snapped. "Solar panels are a fad anyway."
"It's worth a shot!" Destro said. "Thank you, Scott. Mindbender after the meeting you and Scott get the solar panels."
"But they're so heavy!" Mindbender whined.
"You have a god damn six pack that a wrestler would be envious of," Zartan snapped. "Fine! I will help you set it up if only to get some damn lights around here!"
"And by you helping you mean get your Dreadnoks to do it," Destro said.
"Well that goes without saying," Zartan shrugged.
"Even if we did get power," Tomax spoke up. "There are still problems with this so-called base."
"Lots of problems," Xamot said. "The plumbing situation is practically nonexistent."
"Don't remind me," Mindbender groaned. "When I tried to use the toilet paper the roll disintegrated in my hand."
"Still, it's better equipped than the lairs of the Dreadnoks," The Baroness stated.
"Watch it!" Zartan snapped. "At least Dreadnok compounds are always fully supplied with toilet paper!"
"That's because half of them don't even use toilet paper!" The Baroness snapped. "They go in the woods like the animals they are!"
"Well it's the only way we can keep the bathrooms clean!" Zartan snapped back.
"You have to admit Cobra Commander. This so-called hotel is hardly the rock on which to build a new beginning for Cobra," Destro gave him a look.
"Eh, it's got a roof over our heads and a semi-stocked bar," Cobra Commander took a swig from an open bottle of tequila. "What more could we ask for?"
"An army," Tomax began. "Weapons."
"Money to fund our army and weapons," Xamot added.
"An actual plan for world domination would be nice," The Baroness asked.
"As well as a decent bathroom," Blood Wing added.
"Some air conditioning couldn't hurt!" Zartan added.
"Competent leadership," Destro added.
"How about a rage room? They're a growing fad nowadays," Crystal Ball suggested. "Or in Cobra Commander's case a whining room?"
"Shut up!" Cobra Commander snapped. "You wanna be used in a giant game of pinball?"
"Better than being used as your personal mirror," Crystal Ball shot back. "I may be dead, but even I have standards."
"THAT'S IT!" Cobra Commander grabbed Crystal Ball and drop-kicked him into a wall. "Take that you Madame Leota rip-off! YEOOWWWWW!"
Destro sighed as Cobra Commander hopped around on one foot. "You forgot his shell is made out of an actual crystal residue, didn't you?"
"OWWWWW! OWWW! OWWW!" Cobra Commander hopped around. "DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!"
"I will take that as a yes," Destro sighed.
"Yeah that hurt you way more than it hurt me!" Crystal Ball yelped from where he lay embedded in the plaster. "Now get me down!"
"He does look pretty good up there," Blood Wing grinned.
"You know what would look good?" Crystal Ball snapped. "You as the main course on Thanksgiving!"
"I think I broke a toe," Cobra Commander moaned as he sat down and held his foot.
"You're a lizard," Crystal Ball remarked. "Can't you just break it off and grow a new one?"
"Remind me to break you one of these days!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Just for that crack you're going to stay up there!"
"Ha! Not so smart now, are you?" Blood Wing smirked. "Oh, wait you were never smart!"
"I'm warning you!" Crystal Ball snapped. "If you don't bring me down…"
"What exactly are you going to do, Dude?" Scott asked. "Snark us to death?"
Zartan snickered. "I like him."
"I admit Scott has grown on me," The Baroness admitted.
"Like a fungus," Crystal Ball grumbled. "You lot better let me down! Or else!"
"Ooo, I'm so scared," Cobra Commander mocked. "Face it, you secondhand snow globe. There's nothing you can possibly do to hurt me!"
"Oh yeah? How about this?" Crystal Ball's face disappeared only to be replaced by two familiar ones. "Hey friends! Guess what time it is?"
"Howdy Doody time?" Mindbender asked. "Or is it Miller time?"
"There's a difference?" Cobra Commander snapped taking another swig.
"Oh no," Destro groaned as he held his head. "Not again!"
"Yes, it's time for yet another fun round of Cobra Persona!" The smiling images of Vapor and Zero were shown. "The show made by Cobras, from Cobras and for Cobras everywhere!"
"Otherwise known as the number one reason not to join Cobra," Xamot groaned.
"No wonder we can't get any new recruits," Tomax moaned.
"No offense meant Scott," Xamot sighed.
"None taken, I think…" Scott blinked.
"Who the hell are these two?" Blood Wing asked.
"The last idiots we recruited," Destro grumbled. "And we still can't get rid of them!"
"Aren't you two in jail by now?" Zartan snapped. "I could have sworn they were in jail by now!"
"Nah we escaped before they could catch us," Vapor said.
"How do they keep finding us?" The Baroness asked. "We've been chased, hunted, pursued with actual torches and pitchforks, lost and on the run for so long we don't even know where we are."
"I know where we are," Destro groaned. "The same hopeless pit of insanity, woe and despair we've been wallowing in since ever!"
"We have to admit, we don't know exactly where most of the other members of Cobra are at the moment," Vapor said.
"But we figure Crystal Ball is still hanging around with at least one group so he can pick up our signal and tune in to our show," Zero grinned.
"I can fix that," Cobra Commander shrugged pulling out a pistol. "Bye bye, Baldy!"
"No! Stop! Don't!" Destro and Mindbender shouted.
"I meant the other Baldy," Cobra Commander snapped taking aim at Crystal Ball.
"Technically I'm not bald," Crystal Ball looked at him as he popped back in. "Hello! Full head of hair here!"
"Fine! You're a rock head," Cobra Commander snapped as he held the pistol. "But not for long!"
"You do know he's only displaying the show because he wants you to shoot him," Zartan reminded.
"Plus, if you shoot him and do manage to destroy his ball," Scott blinked. "Won't that like free him and he'll just fly around everywhere tormenting us?"
"Free me or watch the show, Kooky Commander," Crystal Ball taunted. "Either way, you lose!"
"WHAT?! But…but…" Cobra Commander sputtered. "Aggghhhhhh!" He put the gun down.
"Yep, that sums up my feelings quite well," The Baroness groaned.
"And just for that!" Crystal Ball disappeared as the images of Vapor and Zero appeared as if they were on a wide screen TV. "You get the wide screen edition!"
"OH GOD NO!" Cobra Commander screamed as the Cobras groaned in frustration.
"WHY US GOD?" Destro groaned. "WHY?"
"Why don't we just walk out of the room?" Scott asked as he looked around.
"He's right," Blood Wing pointed as he got up. "There's not even a door! All we have to do is just get up and walk out…"
"Oh no you don't, Chicken Butt!" Crystal Ball's voice rumbled through the room. The room began to shake.
"What fresh hell is this?" Cobra Commander snapped.
CRASH! CRASH!
A large bookcase and a large old grandfather clock that were near the door fell to the side, blocking the door. "Or we could just stay here and watch…" Blood Wing blinked.
"Who's a secondhand snow globe now?" Crystal Ball taunted and laughed.
"How did he do that?" Zartan blinked.
"I think the crystal he's incased in is amplifying his psychic powers," Mindbender blinked.
"The only thing it's amplifying is his ability to be more annoying," Cobra Commander moaned. "Speaking of which…" He pointed to Vapor and Zero.
"We've been out of contact with Cobra's High Command for a long time," Vapor explained. "Come to think of it, we've been out of contact with all of Cobra for a long time."
"Gee, I wonder why?" Zartan drawled.
"Ever since Destro, Mindbender and Zanzibar left it's been just the two of us here all alone on this forgotten base in Greenland," Zero went on. "Without access to more guests we were afraid we wouldn't be able to do another show."
"If only," Destro groaned.
"But finally we were able to contact someone and have them appear on the show," Vapor smiled. "The man who flew us all the way to this underground base in the first place: Wild Weasel!"
"HIM?!" Destro gasped at the sight of the figure wearing a red flight suit and helmet. "Where the devil did he come from?"
"Not him again!" Zartan groaned.
"That man's a maniac!" The Baroness snapped.
"He makes Cobra Commander seem sane!" Mindbender exclaimed.
"Yeah!" Cobra Commander agreed. "Wait a minute…"
"So, you know the guy?" Blood Wing asked.
"Unfortunately," Destro groaned as he grabbed the bottle from Cobra Commander and took a drink.
Scott blinked. "There seem to be a lot of people that you guys don't like."
"That's the downside of the terrorist business that nobody talks about," Zartan sighed.
"Hey there!" Wild Weasel posed for the camera. "Red Baron, eat your heart out!"
"Oh geeze, his ego is even bigger than Cobra Commander's," Tomax groaned.
"So is his sense of style," Xamot moaned.
"THEY ARE NOT!" Cobra Commander screamed.
"So, let's get to it!" Vapor grinned. "Wild Weasel's real name is…uh, what is your real name?"
"I can't tell you," Wild Weasel said in his distinct sibilance speech pattern. "You wouldn't be able to pronounce it."
"Look who's talking," Zartan quipped. "I've heard better voices speaking through a drive-through squawk-box."
"Thank goodness we didn't have one of those when we were running that fast-food restaurant," The Baroness groaned. "You can't shoot who you can't see."
"Who would want to see that?" Mindbender pointed at Wild Weasel.
"Okay, let's move on," Zero shrugged. "Wild Weasel is Cobra's ground support pilot. He's an expert flier and fighter ace who has even earned the respect of G.I. Joe."
"Too bad he doesn't have the aim to match," Destro moaned. "He shot up entire columns of HISS tanks and supply convoys by accident!"
"What's make you think it was an accident?" The Baroness snapped. "That lunatic would buzz own troops just for fun!"
"Yes, I'm the best pilot who has ever, will ever and can ever live!" Wild Weasel preened arrogantly. "I cut my teeth in the Bus Wars of South America and Africa during the last few decades."
"Don't you mean the Bush Wars?" Zero asked.
"No, I mean Bus Wars," Wild Weasel stated. "The Bush Wars came latter. Before that competition was fierce when it came to the ground transportation sector. Bosses and corporations would do anything to take each other out and I mean anything!"
"You mean you went and blew up entire buses full of people?" Vapor asked.
"Of course not," Wild Weasel shook his head. "That'd be stupid. I just blew up empty buses. The people were the ones paying for the rides. What kind of short-sighted idiots would go and deliberately wipe out their access to a rich, willing consumer market and get all kinds of bad publicity?"
"He obviously hasn't been keeping up with the US geo-economic policy lately," The Baroness rolled her eyes.
"And it wasn't just rival corporations who paid me to bomb their competitors' bus fleets," Wild Weasel went on. "Big shots in the same company would fight and target each other in their mad power grabs in crazy attempts to take over their respective organizations."
"Gee, I can't imagine what that's like," Vapor scratched his head.
"But we know," Tomax groaned.
"Boy do we know," Xamot moaned.
"And knowing is an excellent argument for working alone," Destro held his head. "One of these days, I may just do so!"
"Didn't you try that already?" The Baroness asked.
"If at first you don't succeed…" Destro sighed.
"Join Cobra?" Zartan quipped. Destro and Cobra Commander glared at him.
"Okay," Zero blinked. "Didn't the obvious sight of a heavily armed airplane shooting up buses cause people to call the police? Or the air force?"
"No, I was pretty inconspicuous at first," Wild Weasel explained. "My first bird was a converted hang glider with a couple shotguns attached to it."
"Oh yeah, like that's much less conspicuous," Destro snapped.
"Still better than some of the disguises Cobra Commander has tried over the years," The Baroness pointed out. "Remember when he tried sneaking past G.I. Joe wrapped in a ratty blanket and with a basket over his head?"
"I thought that was when he was drunk during one of Cobra's quieter New Year's Eve parties," Mindbender said.
"No, he wore a broken toilet seat and lampshade during that party," Zartan corrected. "Now that I think about it, those were the only things he wore during that party."
"Who could forget?" Tomax winced.
"I wish I could," Xamot covered his eyes. "I'd pay money to have that image erased from my memory!"
"Shut up you twaddling pair of twits!" Cobra Commander shouted. "You're just jealous that I look better wearing nothing or anything compared to both of you!"
"That's one way to put it," Destro groaned.
"I later moved on to more sophisticated methods of flying," Wild Weasel said. "Like biplanes, Piper Cubs and hot air balloons I 'borrowed' from local airports, private outfits and a museum or three."
"That explains some of his flying skills," Zartan quipped.
"Anyway, the bus companies eventually knocked enough of each other off for the airline and railroad companies to take over," Wild Weasel went on. "I took my bird and pay and went to look for new opportunities."
"Translation: you left before the police came to arrest you for grand theft aero," Zero gave him a look.
"Among other things," Wild Weasel whistled. "Let's just say there's a reason I never had to pay for fuel. And why so many of the bus companies I worked for went bankrupt."
"Smart move hiring a guy whose steals from his employers," The Baroness snapped at Cobra Commander. "And you wondered why we went broke so often over the years."
"Oh, like he was the only one who took money from Cobra's treasury for his personal use," Cobra Commander waved. "I mean, uh…"
"And that's the other reason," Destro glared at him.
"I am learning a lot at this meeting," Scott blinked. "And not what I expected."
"It wasn't long before I found myself in a cockpit flying in the Bush Wars over South Africa, Uganda and Peru," Wild Weasel continued. "That's when I expanded my repertoire from flying jury-rigged civilian conversions to ultra-state-of-the-art flying weapons platforms."
"Too bad we don't have that kind of firepower in Cobra's air force anymore," Mindbender sighed.
"A child's toy drone has more firepower than Cobra's current air force," The Baroness snapped. "And a much better safety record!"
"We don't even have an air force now," Zartan said. "Oh right…I get it."
"I'd love to give it to those idiots," Destro grumbled.
"Speaking of state-of-the-art, I love what you two have done with the place," Wild Weasel indicated their posh surroundings. "Back when Cobra Commander was running things this place was a dump!"
"Oh yeah, we contracted out to some local ice pirates to fix it up real nice," Vapor beamed proudly. "They were big fans of 80's sci-fi comedy movies."
"The pirates even stocked the base full of stolen supplies and used kidnapped construction workers as labor before ransoming them back to their employers," Zero added. "And they sold us a bunch of those fancy service assistant robots."
"The irony is that the kidnapped construction workers begged to come back to us," Vapor shrugged. "Apparently we treated them better than their bosses. So, we decided to hire them."
"WHAT?" Cobra Commander shouted.
"It was easy with all the money we acquired with the ransom money," Zero added. "And we let them attack their former bosses."
"We even robbed one guy's mansion and cleaned it out," Vapor said. "Made a fortune off of that."
"I don't freaking believe this…" Cobra Commander started to bang his head on the table.
"Boy I am learning a lot today," Scott blinked. "More than I ever did in school now that I think about it."
"You have to try the new seafood bar," Vapor insisted. "Just contact the kitchen and the robot chefs will have a two-pound lobster ready for you to enjoy during your massage."
"Massage?" Zartan blinked.
"Lobster?" The Crimson Twins' heads shot up.
"Oh yeah. The new massage hall is nice, but I prefer having my meals in the sauna," Zero commented.
"Sauna?" The Baroness' eye twitched. "They have a freaking sauna?"
"And that full-service bar you have is amazing," Wild Weasel said. "As well as the pool bar you guys built."
"They two bars?" Cobra Commander shrieked. "Two bars? Full of alcohol?"
"Yep, finding that secret vault full of gold and precious gems sure was lucky," Vapor said. "Good thing Cobra Commander scribbled the lock's combination on the bottom of the vault's door."
"YOU WHAT?!" All the Cobras in the room stared at Cobra Commander.
"Oh, so that's where I put the winnings from my last poker game with Gaddafi," Cobra Commander gulped. "I've been looking for those."
"You couldn't have remembered that before?" Zartan snapped.
"Who's Gaddafi?" Scott asked. "Did he work here?"
"Not exactly…" Mindbender sighed. "Long story…"
"I can't believe you left a fortune like that in the back end of nowhere just to be found by those fools!" The Baroness pointed at Vapor's and Zero's images.
"They've had money and food all this time?" Destro yelled incredulously. "While we've been chased, shot at and reduced to working in a fast food joint, those two idiots having been living in the lap of luxury!"
"Okay new plan!" Cobra Commander snapped. "As soon as we get enough money we're headed off to Greenland!"
"Do you remember where the base in Greenland is?" Destro sighed.
"Uh…" Cobra Commander paused.
"Thought so," Destro groaned. "Figures."
"I know where it is!" Crystal Ball returned and erased the figures of Wild Weasel, Vapor and Zero.
"And that just puts the cherry on the sundae of insanity around here!" Destro threw up his arms. "Let me guess. You want us to take you down?"
"For starters," Crystal Ball smiled.
"Fine," Cobra Commander groaned. "Zartan take him down."
"Why me?" Zartan snapped. "You're the one who kicked him up there!"
"And I'm going to kick you if you don't do as I say!" Cobra Commander snarled.
"Oh fine!" Zartan grumbled and went to get Crystal Ball. "Man, he's stuck!"
"Well my toe is broken so he should be!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Here we go," Zartan pulled Crystal Ball out.
"Thank you!" Crystal Ball grinned. "Now for my next demand…"
"We're not taking you out of the ball!" Destro snapped. "We do you'll fly off to who knows where and we'd never see you again!"
"Yeah I would," Crystal Ball shrugged. "Okay I'll just settle for Cobra Commander making my life as comfortable as possible. Some crystal polish. A nice cushion…"
"Why you little…" Cobra Commander gritted his teeth. "Fine! Once we get to Greenland I know the perfect place for you!"
"So, where's Greenland again?" Scott asked. "Is it near Mexico or…?"
"Do you not have any sense of geography at all?" Destro asked. "Stupid question. You're still in high school!"
"To be fair my high school is bad even by public high school standards," Scott pointed out. "We still don't have a roof over our gym after the last science fair."
"Well to answer your question," Mindbender said. "Greenland is the world's largest island and it's close to the Arctic Circle. In fact, it's bordered one side by the Arctic Ocean. The average daily temperature ranges from 18 to 48 degrees Fahrenheit or negative eight to 7 Celsius."
"So…" Scott blinked. "I shouldn't bring my shorts and flip flops?"
"I would not recommend it," Blood Wing sighed. "I would invest in a thermal jacket. Which is what I should do."
"Good to know," Scott looked at the blocked door. "Uh, can we leave now?"
"Oh right," Crystal Ball focused. "Huh…I seem to be low on power for now."
"So, you can only move things sometimes?" Cobra Commander snapped. "I've seen ten-year-old computers running on dying batteries more reliable than you!"
"I'm sure the Dreadnoks will get us out," Zartan sighed. "Eventually."
"It's official. We're cursed," Mindbender groaned.
"It was official long ago," Tomax pointed out. "Ever since this organization was founded!"
"I have noticed that," Blood Wing remarked. "And trust me this is from a guy who knows a thing or two about curses."
"This has not been our time," Xamot sighed.
"You can say that again," The Baroness growled. "This is supposed to be the Year of the Cobra! Instead it's turned into the Year of the Insane!"
"Like there's been any other kind of year with this group," Zartan quipped.
"Has it really been less than a year since we started on this downward slide of stupidity and futility?" Destro blinked. "Feels like it's been closer to five years."
"Depends which calendar you use," Tomax shrugged.
"This has been one wild year," Xamot sighed. "Even by our standards."
"And it's not over yet," The Baroness groaned.
"Sorry Scott," Mindbender apologized. "This isn't exactly the high stakes job training you should be getting."
"Eh," Scott shrugged. "Still beats high school."