How Much Jamaican?
"I can't believe we survived," Blood Wing moaned as he sat in his turkey form on the floor of the plane. "I can't believe we actually survived."
"You act like that was your first shoot out," Torch remarked as he casually drank some grape soda.
"That's because it was!" Blood Wing snapped.
"You've been alive for thousands of years," Tomax blinked.
"How is that possible?" Xamot asked. "Didn't you die in a shootout or something?"
"I was stabbed," Blood Wing said. "Not shot at. Stabbed. But no, usually whenever guns come out, I leave the room!"
"So, the turkey is a chicken," Crystal Ball quipped. He was placed on a seat.
"I will sit on you…" Blood Wing snapped.
"He's not an egg dude," Monkeywrench said.
"Yeah I don't think you can crack him like that or whatever," Scott said as he drank some soda. "Man, this grape soda is good."
"Why are you not freaked out?" Blood Wing snapped at Scott. "That was your first shoot out too!"
"Third actually," Scott said. "There was a shooting at my school last year. And before that there was a really bad argument between my Mom, my Mom's current boyfriend, his ex-wife, his ex-girlfriend, his other ex-girlfriend and my Dad who was dating one of my Mom's boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. Which then really got out of hand when the cops came over to investigate the noise. That was not a fun Christmas."
"So, you've been in a shoot-out before," Buzzer remarked.
"Yeah but this was the first time someone was specifically shooting at me," Scott said. "And I just happened to not be in the line of fire. And the first time I was shot at by an actual army."
"Three armies," Mindbender groaned. "If you count the drug cartel and that group of soap opera fans."
"I told you," Ripper shook his head. "Those people are nuts. And I ain't talking about the cartel."
"They were the most rabid of the groups that attacked us," Cobra Commander remarked. "And the most armed."
"Even the cartels thought to hang back and let them do most of the work," Torch remarked.
"To be fair," Ripper pointed out. "A lot of those soap opera fans were in cartels. So…"
"So where are we going now?" The Baroness spoke up. "Besides further down the slope into depravity and homelessness?"
"Greenland where else?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Back to our base there to reclaim all the money that is rightfully ours!"
"Which you lost," Zartan looked at him.
"Misplaced!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I misplaced it!"
"Speaking of misplaced," Zarana blinked. "Where are we going?"
"Greenland! Remember?" Zartan snapped.
"Well then why does it look like we're about to land on that island there?" Zarana pointed.
"I think that's Jamaica," Mindbender remarked.
"Oh, for the love of…" Cobra Commander got up. "Destro! Destro!"
"What is it Cobra Commander?" Destro sighed. He was flying the plane. "If you haven't noticed, I'm rather busy at the moment."
"I notice a lot of things Destro," Cobra Commander remarked. "Including the fact that you are landing the plane on an island! We're supposed to be heading for Greenland in case you've forgotten!"
"We don't have enough fuel to get to Greenland," Destro sighed. "And with the authorities looking for us we are going to have to lie low for a few weeks."
"Where are we going then?" The Baroness asked.
"I didn't want to do this," Destro sighed. "But there is a mansion my family owns in Jamaica…"
"You own a bloody mansion in Jamaica?" Zartan snapped.
"My family owns the mansion!" Destro snapped. "Not me!"
"What's the bloody difference?" Buzzer asked.
"The house is in my son's name," Destro said. "He owns it."
"I see the difference," Cobra Commander sighed.
"You can?" Zandar asked.
"His son has been trying to kill him for years," Zarana pointed to Cobra Commander. "Remember?"
"It's not that bad anymore," Destro said. "Technically it was never that bad. He was trying to kill Cobra Commander, not me."
"I see the difference," Crystal Ball quipped. Torch was carrying him.
"I didn't want to go there unless there was an emergency," Destro said.
"We're being hunted by the Mexican Army, drug cartels and a pack of rabid soap opera fanatics," Cobra Commander said. "This qualifies!"
"What's so bad about hanging around a mansion?" Scott asked.
"Sure beats a chicken shack that's for sure," Mindbender agreed.
"A what?" Blood Wing asked.
"Don't ask," Zartan sighed. "But I have to agree with Scott. Why would you avoid hiding out in a mansion in Jamaica?"
"Maybe it doesn't have a pool?" Scott asked.
"It has three pools," Destro sighed. "Two outdoor, one indoor. And a hot tub."
"Is it near the beach?" Torch asked.
"We have a private beach," Destro sighed.
"Then what's the problem?" Scott snapped.
"Yeah what's the problem?" Torch snapped.
"The problem is…" Destro paused. "There are…Other people living there. People I don't want to intrude on."
"What other people?" The Baroness asked. "It can't be your family. Most of them live in Scotland or other parts of Europe. The only person who would live there is…NO!"
"Uh…" Destro winced.
"Don't tell me," The Baroness growled. "That bitch lives there?"
"Well she is Alexander's mother," Destro winced.
"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR BLOODY MIND?" The Baroness screamed. "NO! Forget it! No way!"
"We have to!" Destro snapped. "There's not enough fuel to get us to Greenland! We barely have enough fuel to go to Jamaica!"
"I'd rather be with the damn sharks!" The Baroness snapped.
"Trust me," Tomax said.
"The feeling is mutual," Xamot added.
"What's going on?" Blood Wing asked. "Who are they talking about?"
"Marietta," Cobra Commander groaned. "Destro's baby mama. Well the first one…"
"Alexander's mother does live there," Destro admitted.
"NO!" The Baroness snapped. "NO! We are not going there!"
"It's not like we have a lot of options!" Destro snapped.
"How could you even think of going back to that woman?" The Baroness snapped. "After what she did to me the last time!"
"What happened the last time?" Scott asked.
"The Baroness and Marietta got into a fight over who was the love of Destro's life," Mindbender explained.
"A contest where there is no winner," Crystal Ball quipped.
"And then they started throwing things at each other," Mindbender went on.
"And hitting anyone else fool enough to get in their way," Cobra Commander added.
"I got hit twice," Torch said. "Both times with a bloody dish!"
"I rest my case," Cobra Commander went on.
"Then The Baroness pulled out her gun and started shooting up the artwork," Mindbender went on. "Marietta pulled out her gun. Called The Baroness fat and then shot at the chandelier above her head, crashing it down up on her and knocked her out."
"I had to get fifteen bloody stiches all over my body," The Baroness snarled.
"Unfortunately, the chandelier was not big enough to kill her," Zartan added. "Just knock her out long enough for Destro to drag her out of there."
"But not before Marietta wrote Fat Pig on the Baroness's forehead," Zarana snickered. "It wasn't permanent marker unfortunately but still…"
"It was over twenty years ago!" Destro protested.
"Still not long enough," The Baroness growled. "If you think I am going to set foot in a house where that whore…"
"Fine! You can stay in the damn plane for all I care!" Destro shouted.
"You'd actually like that wouldn't you?" The Baroness shouted.
"Actually yes, I would!" Destro shouted. "I've had it with your childish petulant jealousy! Marietta may have her faults, but at least she knows how to act like an adult! Which honestly would be refreshing for a change! So, if you don't want to go, don't! You're only punishing yourself!"
"Fine," The Baroness said calmly. "I'll go." She turned around and went back into the seating area of the plane.
"Oh, I am going to pay for that," Destro sighed.
"You sure are," Zartan snickered.
"This is going to be fun, isn't it?" Tomax smirked.
"Not for Destro," Xamot laughed.
"Oh, shut up!" Destro grumbled.
About thirty minutes later…
"Wow, you even have a private airfield?" Scott asked as they wandered the grounds of a huge mansion. "That's pretty cool!"
"It's not mine!" Destro protested. "Well not anymore…"
"I've been there," Cobra Commander admitted. "You had cool stuff an it's now some crazy bitch's. Been there."
"Marietta is not a crazy bitch!" Destro snapped.
"I beg to differ," The Baroness sniffed.
"Don't you start anything!" Destro snapped. "The last thing we need is for you to get us kicked out!"
The Baroness rolled her eyes. "Whatever…"
"Baroness I mean it," Destro said. "I don't want you starting anything! Got it? Promise me that you will keep your mouth shut!"
"Yeah that's not going to happen," Zandar snickered. He was carrying Crystal Ball.
"Unless you got a whole lot of duct tape," Torch quipped. The other Dreadnoks laughed.
"Will you unevolved apes shut your pie holes?" Destro shouted. "I mean it! All of you need to be on your best behavior! You need to act like adults! Not like children! No offense Scott."
"None taken," Scott said.
"Looks like you made a load of dough before you had to give this up," Monkeywrench whistled at the opulent mansion. "How much Jamaican? Get it? How much Jamaican? HA HA HA!"
"Yes, I get it," Destro groaned.
"How much Jamaican?" Monkeywrench snickered. "Get it? Because we're in Jamaica. And this is a mansion which cost a lot of dough. So…How much…?"
"Say that one more time Monkeywrench and I will personally garotte you!" Destro snapped. "And leave your carcass to the crows!"
"Touchy," Monkeywrench sniffed.
"Just behave yourself," Destro hissed as the door to the mansion opened up. "And let me do the talking!"
"Fat chance with this bloody group," Zandar snickered.
"I'm warning you!" Destro growled.
"Destro," A regal Jamaican woman with long braided hair wearing a gold dress and gold jewelry strode out regally, followed by servants. "It has been a long time."
"Too long Marietta," Destro put on the charm and kissed her hand. "You grow lovelier every time I see you."
"Oh please," The Baroness grumbled and folded her arms across her chest.
Marietta raised an eyebrow at The Baroness. Then gave Destro a warm kiss. "Destro it has been too long. And I see you are still with…Your associates."
"To be fair, not for lack of trying," Mindbender spoke up.
"He keeps trying to ditch us but we come right back," Torch added. "Like a bloody boomerang."
"Mostly because Cobra Commander can't get anybody better to work for him," Buzzer added.
Cobra Commander paused. "Well they're not wrong."
"You don't seem surprised to see me," Destro mused.
"Well when I saw how you managed to enrage the entire country of Mexico with your antics…" Marietta told him. "I had a feeling you would stop by. Tell me, did you actually attack people with man eating lions?"
"Not on purpose," Destro sighed. "Long story."
"Long stupid story," Crystal Ball quipped. "Spoiler alert: It's all Cobra Commander's fault."
"Shut up!" Cobra Commander glared at him.
Marietta looked at Crystal Ball and Blood Wing. "You brought a gift…And a pet turkey? Or is that dinner?"
"I am not a pet!" Blood Wing fumed. "Or dinner!"
"You eat that guy you'd get diarrhea for life," Crystal Ball quipped.
"And that thing is definitely not a gift," Cobra Commander pointed to Crystal Ball. "And I mean that in a bad way. You don't want him. I would only give that to people I hate. And even then, I'd feel guilty about it. And I almost never feel guilty about anything which should tell you something."
"I'm a spirit trapped in a crystal ball," Crystal Ball. "And my name ironically is Crystal Ball. Well technically it's Scott Owen Steven Stanislavski, of the Bangor, Maine Stanislavskis. Not the Portland, Maine Stanislavskis. Those guys are nuts. We do have some relations in the China, Maine Stanislavskis and are linked to the Wells, Maine Stanislavskis…"
"See what I mean?" Cobra Commander groaned. "He never shuts up!"
"It's not like I shed feathers!" Crystal Ball snapped.
"I do not shed feathers," Blood Wing snapped. "Okay, maybe during molting season but that is months away!"
Marietta looked at Destro. "Your circle of friends gets weirder every time I meet them."
"Technically they're more like business acquaintances," Destro sighed. "And believe me, I know."
"I suppose you can bring the ball," Marietta sighed. "But the bird can't come into the house. It can stay in the peacock aviary."
"WHAT?" Blood Wing snapped. "I'm not a bird! I am a twenty-thousand-year-old being of darkness and infinite power! I have drunk the blood of millions of my foes! My enemies have trembled and quaked in my presence! There is no way that I, Ignazio Tlaiques De La Solumbra, Slayer of Men, The Terror of the Mexican Night, King of the Shadows and Devourer of Blood…Will stay in a damn giant bird cage!"
Ten minutes later…
"This is so degrading," Blood Wing groaned as he sat on a perch in an opulent aviary surrounded by both regular peacocks and white peacocks.
"Baak! Baak!" A white male peacock shuffled over to where Blood Wing was perched. It tried to eat out of a small bucket filled with seeds.
"HEY! NO! NO!" Blood Wing snapped as he flapped his wings scaring the peacock. "This is mine! Mine! Mine! My birdseed! MINE! MINE!"
Let's move ahead to another dinner, shall we?
"I have to say Marietta," Destro said as the rest of the guests were eating at an opulent table in an elegant gold and turquoise dining room. "This is an excellent dinner."
"Very good Ms. Destro's girlfriend Ma'am," Scott said as he ate. "This is the fanciest place I've ever eaten in. And I once had dinner at Longhorn's! That was one of my Mom's better birthdays."
"You had dinner at Longhorn's?" Buzzer stopped stuffing his face and looked at him. "Fancy!"
"The wine is good too," Cobra Commander said as he drank some wine through a hole.
"You've certainly drunk enough of it," Destro remarked.
"Aren't you eating anything?" Scott asked between bites.
"Oh, I already ate something in my room," Cobra Commander waved. "Let's just say it's a courtesy to everyone if I eat alone."
"Yes, I remember the last time you arrived here," Marietta looked at him. "I never knew a maid could vomit so much."
"You don't still have that one, right?" Destro asked.
"No, she ran away screaming the second time she caught Cobra Commander without his mask on," Marietta sighed. "In the bathroom."
"I need to shower too you know?" Cobra Commander snapped. "I can't go around stinking like a Dreadnok!"
"He's right," Torch said as he ate with his mouth full. "He smells even worse than we do when he doesn't bathe. I think it's that lizard skin."
"No," Destro glared at Torch. "Trust me, you and the other Dreadnoks still smell worse by a mile!"
"I suppose Destro you are used to the smell of trash," Marietta said calmly.
"Was that a shot at me?" The Baroness snarled.
"I think it was," Zartan spoke up. "And it was a good one!"
"I merely referred to garbage in general," Marietta said inspecting her nails. "It's not my fault if that is how you interpret it. Although I must admit it's interesting how fast you came to that conclusion. I wonder why?"
"Oooh! Oooh!" Monkeywrench held up his hand. "I know! I know! It's because everyone else calls The Baroness trash and she's been hearing it for so long that she knows you're talking about her! Am I right? Am I right?"
"Good for you," Marietta said. "You get a gold sticker."
"And you should get…" The Baroness held her knife in a threatening way.
"Baroness!" Destro warned. "Not now!"
"Are you going to let her talk to me this way?" The Baroness snarled at Destro.
"Apparently he is," Marietta smirked.
"I like her," Tomax said to his brother.
"Me too," Xamot nodded.
"Looks like we get dinner and a show," Zartan grinned.
"Old Giblet Breath is going to be so mad he missed this," Crystal Ball snickered. He was placed on the table next to Cobra Commander.
"I don't know why you are insisting on being here," Marietta looked at The Baroness. "I certainly didn't invite you."
"To be fair," Zartan spoke up. "If The Baroness relied solely on invitations she'd never go anywhere."
"Go to Hell, Zartan!" The Baroness snarled.
"It isn't my problem that you inferred an insult from an innocuous comment," Marietta paused. "However accurate…"
"Destro, I don't know why you left this charming woman," Xamot pointed to Marietta.
"She's clearly a catch," Tomax added.
"The Baroness is a downgrade if there ever was one," Zarana added.
"I will take you all out!" The Baroness snarled.
"Baroness please!" Destro snapped. "We are guests here!"
"Technically most of you are guests here," Marietta smiled. "Destro of course this is your home for whenever you need it. Never let it be said that Marietta McCullen was a woman of ill breeding."
"I would call you…" The Baroness paused. "Hang on. What did you just say?"
"Uh oh," Destro realized something. "Uh would anyone like some wine? Wine anyone? Baroness, would you like some wine?"
"I bet wine will pair great with the fireworks about to go off," Crystal Ball snickered.
"Why is her last name McCullen?" The Baroness glared at Destro. "That's your name!"
"Uh…." Destro coughed.
"Why does she have your name?" The Baroness growled.
"You never told her?" Marietta raised an eyebrow.
"Uh…" Destro coughed.
"Told me what?" The Baroness growled.
"We got married a fifteen years ago," Marietta showed her the ring. "Legally I might add."
"WHAT?" The Baroness screamed as she stood up and confronted Destro.
"It was just for legal reasons!" Destro got up and backed away.
"LEGAL REASONS MY ASS!" The Baroness shouted. "ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU MARRIED THIS WITCH BEHIND MY BACK?"
"And lied about it for how many years?" Zartan asked mock innocently.
"Fifteen," Zandar grinned. "Fifteen years."
"Fifteen years," Zartan grinned.
"Fifteen years he's been stringing The Baroness like a yo-yo," Zarana added.
"Or a hooker on retainer," Crystal Ball added.
"Good one," Torch snorted.
"YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR FIFTEEN YEARS AND YOU NEVER TOLD ME?" The Baroness exploded.
"Well the time just never seemed appropriate," Destro said weakly.
"I think now would be the appropriate time," Zandar remarked.
"Shut up!" Destro glared at him.
"Fifteen years! You've been stringing me along for fifteen years while you were married all this time?" The Baroness shouted.
"That's right bitch!" Marietta shouted. "Who's the whore now?"
"The Baroness!" Torch answered cheerfully.
"SHUT UP!" The Baroness screamed.
"Who da whore?" Monkeywrench taunted. "You da whore!"
"SHUT UP!" The Baroness roared. "How dare you make a fool out of me Destro?"
"You didn't need that much help," Cobra Commander quipped.
"You made a fool out of me for the last time!" The Baroness shouted.
"Well that's just wishful thinking," Crystal Ball quipped.
Cobra Commander laughed and looked at Crystal Ball. "I knew there was a reason I kept you around. Well that and the free cable."
"You know something?" Destro pounded his fists on the table. "I'm glad this is out in the open! I'm sick of keeping this a secret because I was afraid of upsetting you!"
"Kind of a moot point," Zartan said as he drank some wine. "The Baroness gets upset at everything all the time!"
"You're not wrong," Destro groaned. One look at The Baroness made him realize that was the wrong thing to say. "Uh…"
"Oh, I get upset all the time, do I?" The Baroness glared at him. "I wonder why?" She grabbed a full glass of wine and threw the entire glass at Destro.
"AHHHH!" Destro barely moved out of the way and the glass smashed to the ground, spilling its contents onto the rug.
"How dare you?" Marietta gasped.
"Yeah the wine is actually good!" Cobra Commander added. "Such a waste."
"You should throw one of those candlesticks," Torch suggested. "They're heavier and there's a chance you can set Destro on fire!"
"SHUT UP TORCH!" Destro shouted.
"You shut up!" The Baroness grabbed some plates and threw them at Destro. "I've had it with your lying mouth!"
"Baroness please! AAAHH!" Destro barely used his arms to protect himself as one dish smashed against his body.
"Stop ruining my good china!" Marietta snarled.
"I've seen better dishes in a greasy chicken dive!" The Baroness shouted.
"She would know," Crystal Ball snickered.
"I am going to kick both of your asses for deceiving me!" The Baroness screamed.
"You want a rematch, bitch?" Marietta snarled. "I kicked your pasty white posterior twenty years ago! And I can do it again just as easily!"
"You had a lucky shot!" The Baroness snapped. "There's no chandeliers this time!"
"I don't need one to take you out like the trash you are!" Marietta shouted.
"AAAHHH!" The Baroness leapt at Marietta. They were soon fighting using moves Kung Fu masters would be envious of.
"Are you going to stop that?" Zandar asked.
"I think not," Destro sighed as he grabbed a full glass of wine and had a drink.
SMASH! SMASH! SMASH!
"And now they're destroying everything in the room," Destro groaned. "Including Great Aunt Agatha's china…Which is no big loss. I never liked her anyway."
"Well it wouldn't be a special occasion," Tomax remarked.
"Without the Baroness having a hissy fit," Xamot added.
"Kind of reminds me of Christmas at the Mental Institution," Tiffany sighed. "I wasn't living there mind you. Just visiting a few relatives who were really off their rocker."
"You have relatives that are crazier than you?" Buzzer asked. "Good to know."
POW!
"Wow," Crystal Ball remarked. "Marietta's got a good right hook."
"You get why I didn't want to come here right?" Destro asked as the women kept fighting and breaking everything around them.
"Definitely," Cobra Commander reached for some wine. "This brings back memories of my own marriage. None of them good."
"You were married?" Scott asked.
"Long story," Cobra Commander sighed as the sounds of arguing and things being thrown were heard. "Not a happy one. Even the day we got divorced I lost pretty much half of my things. I mean it was worth it to get rid of her and I was going out to the surface world to conquer it anyway but still…She even got to keep the only thing I ever loved! The only thing that ever mattered to me!"
"Your kid?" Scott asked.
"Your house?" Destro asked.
"Your alcohol collection?" Torch asked.
"My eel hound!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Although Torch I admit you were close. She would have gotten that if I hadn't drunk most of it."
"You had a pet?" Zandar asked. "I can't picture it."
"Well that's because after the pain of losing my beloved Snarf," Cobra Commander sighed. "I just didn't have it in me to love again."
"Okay first of all…" Destro paused. "I can't imagine you loving anything that isn't in a bottle. Or you can use to buy a bottle. Secondly…Snarf?"
"As in the Thundercat's mascot Snarf?" Zarana asked.
"It means something completely different in Cobra La!" Cobra Commander snapped. "And my Snarf was no cat!"
SMASH! SMASH! CRASH! SMASH!
"I got him when I graduated the Science Academy," Cobra Commander sighed. "See my family raised and trained prize-winning eel hounds. They are considered one of the noblest of breeds for the Noble class. The genteel sports of eel hound shows, eel hound hunts and peasant herding…Oh those were the days."
"Peasant herding?" Zarana blinked.
"Like sheep herding only with peasants," Cobra Commander explained. "Snarf was an expert at that. Won so many awards…You see owning an eel hound was an important mark of status in the Noble Class. Well that and actually having money. But the eel hounds are a big thing there. And Snarf was the best. He was always by my side. Until that bitch of an ex-wife got her claws into him."
SMASH! SMASH! SMASH!
"What did she do?" Crystal Ball asked. "Steal your dog's affection somehow?"
"No, she literally got her claws into him," Cobra Commander said. "They never got along. One day I come back from the labs and there she is, standing over his body with blood on her nails…"
"DIE YOU HARPY!" The Baroness screamed.
"YOU FIRST!" Marietta shouted back.
SMASH! CRASH! SMASH!
"There go some more priceless heirlooms," Destro groaned. "I think some of them I might have liked."
"Self defense my ass!" Cobra Commander screamed. "I don't care what her story was! I know she attacked by perfect little Snarf! Because she was jealous!"
"AAAAAAHHH!" The Baroness charged towards Marietta.
Who countered it by grabbing a large picture from the wall and smashing the Baroness in the middle with it. "Oh well," Destro sighed. "That picture of my grandmother wasn't one of my favorites anyway."
"I had to stuff what was left of Snarf and put him on the mantle," Cobra Commander sighed. "That was the final straw that led to our divorce! I mean it's one thing to be a dominating, emasculating, money hungry power crazed bitch! But when you attack a man's eel hound, that goes too far!"
"Wait your pet died?" Zartan asked.
"I thought you said your wife got it in the divorce?" Zarana asked.
"She got Snarf's corpse," Cobra Commander explained. "It counted as part of my material possessions. Which I had to give her more than half of!"
SMASH! CRASH!
"My wife and my paramour are smashing what half I gave away," Destro sighed. "I get where you are coming from."
"I probably would have won the case but I made a slight legal error," Cobra Commander sighed.
"What?" Zandar asked.
"I slept with the judge's wife," Cobra Commander groaned. "That was my bad."
WHAM!
Marietta stood over the Baroness' body. "If you will excuse me…" Marietta sniffed. "I need to freshen up. I'll have my servants clean up the trash. Destro. A word." She left the room.
"Oh good," Destro moaned as he got up. "I was afraid we wouldn't have a word."
"I have a feeling it's going to be more than one word," Torch snickered. "And none of them are what Destro is going to want to hear."
"Your hypothesis is uncannily astute," Destro groaned as he followed his wife out of the room.
"Wow," Scott remarked. "And I thought my Mom's dating life was messed up."
"I'm looking pretty good right, now am I?" Mindbender asked.
"Honestly I already thought you were one of the better ones," Scott shrugged. "Why do you think I left with you?"
"Honestly dude," Scott said to Mindbender. "You seem like the most normal guy here!"
"That is the most frightening thing I have ever heard of," Cobra Commander groaned as he drank.