All My Cobras
"Ugh," Blood Wing stormed through the mansion at night in his human form. "I thought sunset would never arrive! Even in my most powerful form it took me forever to get out of that stupid overgrown birdcage! And worst of all I have birdseed on my breath!"
"Not to mention that memory of what I did with that stupid peacock…NO! NO! That never happened! God please never let anybody find out what happened with that peacock…"
Blood Wing managed to make his way into the living room. Most of the Cobras were sitting around, drinking alcohol and grape soda. Scott was playing a video game on a huge screen TV. "So, this is where you are?" Blood Wing remarked.
"About time you arrived to the party Blood Wing," Cobra Commander was drinking some bourbon in a glass using a straw through a hole in his helmet.
"I was locked in a damn aviary!" Blood Wing snapped. "By the way thank you for not letting me out!"
"You're welcome," Ripper said.
"What the hell happened here?" Blood Wing noticed that the room was slightly trashed. "Where's the Baroness?"
"You missed it," Crystal Ball smirked. "It was hilarious!"
"For you!" Destro glared at Crystal Ball.
"No, not just him," Zartan smirked. "I found the whole situation quite amusing as well."
"Me too," Xamot and Tomax said at the same time.
"I found it quite amusing," Mindbender admitted.
"What happened?" Blood Wing asked.
"What didn't happen?" Zarana snickered.
"Okay first," Torch spoke up. "It turns out Destro and this Marietta dame have been married for fifteen years. And nobody knew about it."
"Especially the Baroness," Buzzer added. "Who went ballistic when she found out!"
"It was bloody beautiful," Zarana agreed.
"The insults and the fists were flying like it was Christmas back home," Ripper added.
"Destro's old lady gave Baroness the one two punch," Torch laughed. "Then had her servants throw her out in a garbage can! She's probably still there as we speak!"
"That dining room got really trashed," Monkeywrench remarked.
"Dining room?" Blood Wing looked around. "Then why does this room look slightly wrecked?"
"There's more," Crystal Ball quipped.
"We had a soda spraying contest," Buzzer explained. "Tiffany won!"
"It's all in the technique," Tiffany grinned as she drank some grape soda.
"I was referring to the dent in the wall over there," Blood Wing pointed. "And that broken table."
"That was Destro," Mindbender said.
"Here's where things get really good," Cobra Commander chuckled. "Hey Crystal Ball! Replay that whole scene!"
"Oh, I could watch that again!" Zartan squealed with delight.
"Again? You saw the whole thing?" Destro shouted.
"Uh, hello?" Crystal Ball raised an eyebrow. "Psychic powered ghost! Duh!"
"You are not showing that!" Destro snapped.
"Yes, we are," Cobra Commander said. "I'll set it up. After Marietta cleaned The Baroness' clock, she ordered Destro into her bedroom to have a little talk."
"She didn't order me into the bedroom," Destro snapped.
"She kind of did dude," Scott said.
"What do you know?" Destro snapped.
"I know what an order sounds like!" Scott said. "And she was giving you quite a few of them."
"Gotta give it to the kid," Zartan nodded.
"He's not wrong," Tomax nodded.
"It was clearly an order Destro," Xamot added.
"You are not showing that!" Destro snapped.
"Yes, we are!" Cobra Commander snickered.
"It wasn't dirty if that's what you were thinking," Scott said to Blood Wing. "Just really embarrassing."
"Oh, I have to see this," Blood Wing remarked.
"Put in on wide screen," Cobra Commander ordered.
"Oh God no…" Destro groaned as images were projected from Crystal Ball.
"Oh God yes," Zartan laughed. "Anybody got any popcorn?"
The image was projected of Destro and Marietta in the bedroom. "I can't believe I associated with that woman for so long," Destro paced in the background while Marietta calmly took off her jewelry. "Marietta I've been a fool."
"That was rather obvious," Marietta said.
"I never should have left you," Destro sighed. "I know this marriage has started out mostly as a marriage of convenience but…Now I realize that you are more important to me than anything. It's time I gave up this ridiculous association with Cobra and cut my ties with them once and for all!"
"Interesting choice of words," Marietta remarked. "Because that's what I want to do with you. I want a divorce."
"What?" Destro did a double take.
"Oh, don't act so surprised," Marietta snapped as she stood up. "This has been a long time coming and you know it! We haven't even seen each other in the last ten years!"
"I guess that's what makes our marriage work," Destro admitted.
"Well it doesn't work for me anymore," Marietta said. "I'd say I was sorry Destro but I'm not. It's over. I'm having my lawyer bring the official papers tomorrow afternoon."
"I'm surprised you didn't have them right here for me to sign!" Destro snapped.
"Well I do but I need a witness," Marietta said. "And since you are running around with a group of witless fools, I figured my lawyer would be a better one."
"And after that I suppose that you and your lawyer will run off into the sunset?" Destro growled.
"Well I don't think her husband would appreciate that," Marietta said dryly. "But if you think I am going to remain chaste from now on, forget it!"
"WHAT?" Destro shouted.
"To be fair, I wasn't exactly chase while you were away," Marietta admitted. "But at least I was discreet. Until now. Let's just say don't be surprised if I decide to have a dalliance with one of your associates. See I can sleep with an idiot too."
"But…" Destro began.
"Oh, don't but me you ass!" Marietta snapped. "Do you really think I'd stay married to a terrorist? Not even a competent one! An incompetent terrorist who has been cheating on me for almost the entire length of the marriage!"
"You said it was an open marriage!" Destro snapped.
"Well now I'm shutting the door," Marietta told him. She pushed him out of the bedroom and shut the door.
Destro stood outside the door. "Damn…" He moaned. "Now I have to go crawling back to The Baroness…I guess I'd better get her out of that trash can. Oh, who am I kidding? I'll do it in the morning!"
"Oh, that is good!" Blood Wing laughed as Crystal Ball shut off the images. "I can't believe I missed that!"
"I can't believe what you did in the aviary," Crystal Ball quipped.
"What did he do?" Torch asked.
"He…" Crystal Ball began. "HEY!"
Blood Wing grabbed Crystal Ball and then sent him rolling down the hallway. "STRIKE!" Blood Wing shouted.
CRASH!
"Oh look," Blood Wing remarked. "Crystal Ball broke a vase."
"It's not mine anymore," Destro groaned. "How could she do this to me? I have to find a way to fight this!"
"Sure," Zartan said. "You can go to court and…Oh wait."
"I see your point," Destro groaned.
"Destro," Cobra Commander paused. "Let me give you some advice. As a man who has gone through the pain and humiliation you are going through now…This is what you should do. Run to The Baroness and kiss her ass repeatedly."
"Seriously?" Zartan asked.
"Destro only has one option to get back at Marietta," Cobra Commander explained. "Well technically two but I'm assuming he wants his baby mama still alive for his son's sake…"
"I'm afraid Alexander would appreciate it, yes," Destro sighed.
"Then he has only one option," Cobra Commander said. "As a man with nothing to lose, he has to piss off Marietta as much as possible. And he's going to need The Baroness' help with that."
"So I should get her out of the trash can now?" Destro asked.
"Couldn't hurt," Cobra Commander shrugged. "Especially if you do it before she wakes up."
"Swell…" Destro grumbled as he got up and left the room.
"The mighty lord of the manor," Zartan snickered. "Getting kicked out of the castle!"
"You do know once he gets kicked out…?" Xamot began.
"We go as well?" Tomax added.
"Staying here indefinitely wasn't part of the plan anyway," Cobra Commander waved. "As amusing as this distraction has been…We do need to go. Preferably before the authorities track us down."
"That's a shame," Torch sniffed. "This place is pretty swanky."
"I've never been in a house this nice," Scott admitted.
"Enjoy it while it lasts," Mindbender told him. "Odds are our next hideout will not be as comfortable."
"Well that just sucks," Scott said.
"Especially for Destro," Xamot thought. "Hmmm…."
"What are you thinking of brother?" Tomax asked.
"I was just musing how such a lovely woman as Marietta…" Xamot began.
"Could be cheated on by Destro?" Tomax added. "It is such a shame isn't it?"
"I wonder…?" Xamot began.
"If there was a way to rectify this injustice," Tomax grinned. "Yes, there may be."
"If you are thinking of what I think you two are thinking of…" Zartan began. "It's not that bad an idea."
"Wait a minute…" Zarana stopped. "Oh, you guys are sick!"
"What?" Zartan asked. "She's a very attractive woman."
"Who would prefer an attractive man," Xamot said.
"Or two," Tomax added.
"You actually think that a woman like Marietta would prefer you freaks?" Zartan snapped.
"She slept with Destro," Monkeywrench scoffed. "Her standards can't be that high!"
"Well it's certainly higher than over your Dreadnok heads," Mindbender remarked.
"This from a man who gets dumped every time!" Zandar snapped. "Including by some of his own experiments!"
"What?" Scott asked.
"Don't ask," Mindbender snapped. "But I have just as much a chance as you do!"
"No, you don't!" Cobra Commander quipped.
"Oh, and you fancy Mrs. McCullen yourself don't ya?" Zarana looked at Cobra Commander.
"Ohhhhh noooooo!" Cobra Commander shook his head. "I am not touching that train wreck with a ten-foot pole."
"I dunno," Torch scratched his head. "She's obviously into blokes with masks. You've got a shot."
"As much as I appreciate your vote of confidence Torch," Cobra Commander shrugged. "I learned a long, long time ago…Getting involved with your second in command's ex-wife is a bad idea. A very bad idea. A very messy, bloody bad idea. No, no. I am just going to stay an observer on this one. Out of the line of fire. And enjoy the show you idiots are going to put on falling over yourselves."
"Well I bet Zartan could get Marietta with no problem!" Torch said. "I would love to see him put that toffer Destro in his place!"
"Oh please!" Xamot scoffed.
"You actually think Zartan has a chance…?" Tomax added.
"Against us?" Xamot and Tomax snapped.
"How much you wanna bet?" Zarana snapped.
"We'd take your money but we don't want to be compared to the men you sleep with," Tomax sneered.
"Just rubbing it in your low born Dreadnok faces will be enough!" Xamot added.
"Well if you two have a shot! I have a shot!" Mindbender snapped. "I'm a free man now!"
"You'd get shot down," Zandar said. "Zartan will beat all of you by a mile!"
"You're all making a wager on who is going to sleep with Destro's soon to be ex-wife?" Blood Wing was stunned. "I want in."
"Oh, this is good!" Crystal Ball rolled into the room. "The guy who just hooked up with a peacock…"
"WE DIDN'T HOOK UP!" Blood Wing snapped. "There was just some slight spooning! That's all!"
"You really ruffled her feathers," Crystal Ball quipped.
"SHUT UP! YOU…YOU EUNICH!" Blood Wing stormed out.
"I'd be having plenty of ghost action if I wasn't stuck in a ball!" Crystal Ball shouted.
"This is fun already," Cobra Commander snickered.
"Fine," Xamot said.
"Let the best man," Tomax added.
"Or men," Xamot added.
"Win!" The Twins said.
"I intend to!" Zartan said.
"So do I!" Mindbender added.
"Next on All My Cobras…" Crystal Ball quipped.
"Oh, this is going to be a disaster," Cobra Commander scoffed as most of the Cobras scattered off to their prospective rooms.
"Mr. Commander?" Scott was confused. "Is having a wager like that over Destro's wife really fair?"
"Let me tell you something about fair, Scott," Cobra Commander told him. "When it comes to romance there is no such animal. And spoiler alert, women play dirtier than men. Especially my ex-wife. But also, Destro's wife. I know that type. I was married to it!"
"Seriously?" Scott asked.
"There is a type of woman who is never happy unless she is the one giving the orders," Cobra Commander said. "Why do you think I never hooked up with the Baroness? She's could give my ex-wife lessons in manipulation and backstabbing! Trust me, unless you are willing to be a complete and utter doormat to a woman like that…You will never be happy even with a brief dalliance…Much less an actual relationship."
"I didn't know that," Scott said.
"I blame the educational system," Cobra Commander waved. "Myself I am speaking from experience. There's a reason I prefer hookers and brainless bimbos who believe thinking gives them wrinkles. There are leaders and there are followers. I am a leader who prefers followers. Two leaders in a relationship is never a good thing."
"What if you want to talk to them?" Scott asked.
"About what?" Cobra Commander asked. "If I want a conversation, I'll just have one with myself. Sometimes it's the only way to have an intelligent conversation."
"What about companionship and loyalty?" Scott asked.
"If you want that, get a pet," Cobra Commander said. "Or a ghost in a crystal ball."
"Aww…" Crystal Ball rolled up.
"I'm only saying that because you have cable," Cobra Commander grumbled.
"I can live with that," Crystal Ball said.
"There's a TV right here dude," Scott pointed.
"Yes, but not on the road," Cobra Commander said. "You have to plan ahead. That's what makes me a leader."
"But aren't you like on the run because you made so many mistakes?" Scott asked.
"He didn't say he was a good leader," Crystal Ball.
"On the other hand," Cobra Commander glared at Crystal Ball. "I probably should invest in one of those streaming services on a computer."
Meanwhile later that night…
As Marietta slept a shadowy figure crept into her room through the shadows. It was Blood Wing. "Marietta…" He called seductively. "Marietta…"
Marietta stirred slightly on her bed. "You are in my power my dear Marietta…" Blood Wing purred as he crept closer to her. "Surrender your will to mine…You are in my power…I am your beloved…"
"Ohhh…" Marietta moaned slightly as she fell under Blood Wing's spell.
Blood Wing was over her, preparing to kiss her. "You will be mine mi amour…"
Just then the morning rays of the sun beamed through the window.
Marietta blinked. Then started to wake up out of her trance. But she didn't see the handsome man she dreamt of.
Instead she saw a turkey staring right into her face.
"WHAT THE HELL…?" Marietta shouted when she saw a turkey on top of her.
"Well this is awkward," Blood Wing coughed. "Forgot about the damn time difference."
"GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!" Marietta whacked Blood Wing with the pillow.
"WAK! WAK! WAK!" Blood Wing gasped.
"GET! OUT! OF! MY! BEDROOM!" Marietta hit Blood Wing with every word she spoke. First with her pillow, then with a baseball bat she had next to her nightstand. "YOU! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! CHICKEN!"
"I'm not a…" Blood Wing sputtered. Marietta dropped the baseball bat and grabbed a huge rifle from under her bed. "WAAAKKKKK!"
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
CRASH!
Blood Wing barely managed to dodge the bullets and crashed through the bedroom window. "Senora…I think this is a major…"
WHAM!
"Misunderstanding…" Blood Wing gasped as Marietta whacked him hard with an ashtray. He fell to the ground below.
"Damn stupid bird!" Marietta grumbled. "Great! Now I have feathers all over my bedroom!"
Meanwhile Blood Wing had landed in some bushes. "Well that was a complete and total bust," Blood Wing grumbled as he spat out some feathers.
"Brawwwk?" A brown female peacock stuck her head out of that very same bush.
"On the other wing…" Blood Wing mused.
Later that morning…
"HA HA HA HA!" Cobra Commander watched Blood Wing's escapade on Crystal Ball. "That is priceless! Just priceless!"
"I could watch that again!" Crystal Ball's face appeared.
"As could I!" Cobra Commander nodded. They were both back in the living room and Cobra Commander was drinking some scotch through the hole in his helmet. "By the way where the hell is everyone else?"
"The Dreadnoks are having a pool party outside," Crystal Ball explained. "And everyone else is planning their romantic encounter."
"I know being with Marietta was a mistake!" Destro pleaded with the Baroness as they walked into the living room. "It's you I love!"
"And here comes the lame subplot," Crystal Ball remarked.
"Oh, this is going to be fun to watch," Cobra Commander took a drink.
"Baroness!" Destro walked after her. "I admit it! I made a huge mistake!"
"Destro running over a cat because you don't see it is a huge mistake," The Baroness stopped and glared at him. "Forgetting an anniversary is a huge mistake. Not telling me you got married is A COMPLETE AND TOTAL ACT OF DISRESPECT!"
"First of all…" Destro fumed. "I told you! It was dark and I didn't see the damn thing! It was a black cat at night! It wasn't even wearing a collar! How the hell could I see it?"
"I never had a cat," The Baroness narrowed her eyes at him.
"Oh, right that was Marietta," Destro remembered. The Baroness began to leave. "Baroness! Please hear me out!"
"Yes I want to hear this," Crystal Ball called out.
"This should be good," Cobra Commander quipped.
"Do you mind?" Destro glared at him.
"Not at all," Cobra Commander said cheerfully. "Go right ahead."
Destro sighed and turned back to The Baroness. "Baroness, there's a reason I didn't tell you about Marietta. I'm not in love with her anymore. I haven't been in love with her for a long time. I meant to tell you but I just didn't want you to feel jealous of someone who wasn't worth your time."
"Really?" The Baroness asked.
"Don't you know it's you I love?" Destro took her into his arms. "Now I realize that you are more important than anything. It's you I love. I've made a decision. It's time I ended it with Marietta once and for all!"
"Was this before or after she kicked you to the curb?" Crystal Ball asked. "And told you she wanted a divorce?"
"WHAT?" The Baroness snarled.
"Shut up!" Destro hissed.
Crystal Ball then projected the image. "Marietta I've been a fool," Destro said.
"That was rather obvious," Marietta said.
"Painfully obvious," Cobra Commander chimed in.
"I never should have left you," Destro sighed. "I know this marriage has started out mostly as a marriage of convenience but…Now I realize that you are more important to me than anything. It's time I gave up this ridiculous association with Cobra and cut my ties with them once and for all!"
"Interesting choice of words," Marietta remarked. "Because that's what I want to do with you. I want a divorce."
"YOU LYING BASTARD!" The Baroness shouted.
"Baroness! Please!" Destro gasped,
"So, you want to come back to me huh Destro?" The Baroness snarled. "DROP DEAD!" She then kneed him in the groin so hard Destro dropped to the ground. She whirled on her heels and left the room.
"Owww…." Destro lay there in pain.
"You know," Cobra Commander chuckled. "I admit I had my doubts about coming here. But this has turned out to be a fun stop. The scotch is good too."
"Destro!" Marietta stormed in. "We need to have a talk! Get up!"
"I'm good…Thank you…" Destro moaned where he lay.
"I like to think I'm a gracious host," Marietta snapped. "But you have abused on my hospitality! Like that one is abusing his liver!" She pointed to Cobra Commander.
"Gotta give her that one," Cobra Commander admitted with a drink.
"First you bring in that ill-mannered harpy into my home," Marietta went on. "Who not only insults me but destroys my possessions…"
"Which used to be Destro's possessions," Crystal Ball quipped.
Marietta ignored him. "Then more of my possessions get destroyed with the childish antics of your…associates."
"CANNONBALL!" Torch whooped.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Great," Destro moaned as he sat up. "They found the cannonballs…"
"All my alcohol is getting drunk to a level not even seen by Prohibition," Marietta went on. "And the final indignity, this morning I was assaulted by your pet turkey in my own bedroom!"
"He's not my…" Destro sighed. "Never mind."
"I can't wait until my lawyer arrives later this afternoon," Marietta snapped. "She'd be here sooner but apparently one of the judges she hates is getting arraigned this morning and she wanted to be there to witness that."
"Can't say I blame her," Cobra Commander remarked. "I know I enjoyed the news when the judge in my divorce case got eaten by his own beach house."
"What?" Marietta a blinked.
"Don't ask," Destro sighed.
"Is that a euphemism or…?" Marietta asked.
"Where I come from our beach houses are giant shell-like structures on giant living crabs," Cobra Commander explained. "Normally they are docile creatures. But every now and then one of them goes rogue. Usually they eat a servant or a pet but you know…? Small price you pay for luxury apartments."
Destro sighed as he stood up. "I told you not to ask."
"I can't wait until you and the rest of these…" Marietta paused. "Lunatics get out of my house and out of my life!"
"Marietta please!" Destro begged. "Reconsider! I get you want these maniacs gone! I want them gone too! That's how much I love you! I am willing to cut ties with them forever! Especially The Baroness!"
"Especially since she dumped his ass," Crystal Ball added.
"WHAT?" Marietta shouted.
"SHUT UP!" Destro whirled on him.
"Why do you think Destro was on the floor in the first place?" Cobra Commander asked.
"And you!" Destro snapped. "Marietta…"
WHAM!
Marietta kneed Destro in the groin and he fell to the floor again. "I never should have married you!" She stormed out of the room.
"Wow," Crystal Ball remarked. "I didn't even get to replay the first one."
"Owwww…." Destro moaned.
"You know Destro," Cobra Commander sighed. "This reminds me of my own painful divorce. And watching you go through this…It's funny as Hell!"
"Your compassion…" Destro gritted his teeth. "Is astounding…"
"I should send some of these in to America's Funniest Home videos," Crystal Ball quipped. "Add some sound effects…"
"How about…" Destro snarled. "The sound you being shot out of a cannon?"
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
CRUMMMBLE!
"Oops!" Monkeywrench was heard. "Nobody was using that wall, right?"
"Look at the bright side Destro," Cobra Commander pulled out a bottle of scotch. "By the time the Dreadnoks get through with this place, your soon to be ex-wife will barely have anything left!"
"There is that consolation…" Destro groaned as he pulled himself up on the couch.
"Why do you think I've been drinking all your good scotch?" Cobra Commander handed him the bottle.
"What the hell…?" Destro opened the bottle. "Why not?"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Oh, for the love of God," Marietta was now at her desk in her study. "Oh well, I've been meaning to tear down that back wall anyway…"
"I should apologize for that," Zartan said as he walked in. "Half of our people aren't exactly housebroken. Not for lack of trying but still…"
"Why are you really here?" Marietta asked.
"I just want to let you know," Zartan said. "That Destro is a complete and total moron for being with the Baroness instead of you. And clearly The Baroness is a downgrade. And I'm not just saying that because I hate the both of them with a flaming passion. I'm saying it because it's very obvious to even a blind man."
"Really?" Marietta raised her eyebrow.
"I'm just letting you know," Zartan said. "If you really want to hurt Destro and that bitch. I'm available for anything. And I mean anything. You want them assassinated, they're dead. You want to stuff them both in a garbage can, I'll ask what size. Or any other way you want to get back at them. Just saying. No pressure."
"He does hate you," Marietta paused. "I've heard him complain about your mercenary nature."
"Hey for you I'll do it pro bono," Zartan said. "And I almost do nothing for free. So, this should tell you something about how badly I want to hurt Destro. And The Baroness."
"Did you ever sleep with the Baroness?"
"I wouldn't let her," Zartan said. "I didn't want to pick up any diseases. And considering how much time I spend with the Dreadnoks…That should tell you something."
Zartan added. "By the way I ordered my Dreadnoks to not bother you. Unfortunately, I couldn't convince the Crimson Twits so you'd better watch out for them."
"Really?"
"Yeah they were saying something about seducing you and taking your money and other stuff," Zartan waved. "I wouldn't pay attention to them if I were you."
"Oh, they were, were they?" Marietta fumed.
"It's just their usual bragging," Zartan said casually. "They think just because they've gotten lucky with a couple of tramps, they can get any woman they want. Just watch out for them."
"Thank you for the warning," Marietta said calmly.
"Anytime," Zartan nodded as he left.
Zartan waited until he was out of the room and further down the hall. "That should stop the Twin Twits in their tracks. Now all I have to do is wait for her to come to me for some revenge. He, he…"
Meanwhile Marietta was working on some papers in her study. "Hello," Mindbender walked into the room holding a red rose.
"Don't even think about it," Marietta said, not even looking up from her paperwork.
"It was worth a shot," Mindbender sighed as he left.
"These idiots can't leave here soon enough," Marietta grumbled. "Then again…Perhaps I should take this opportunity to annoy Destro? To teach him a lesson?"
"Hello Marietta," Xamot walked in.
"Can we have a word with you?" Tomax added.
"In private?" The Twins said as one.
"Speaking of lessons…" Marietta glared at them.
Later that afternoon…By the second outdoor pool the majority of Cobras were sitting and relaxing. "I must admit this has been a fun stop," Cobra Commander admitted.
"Fun?" The Baroness hissed. "I've been humiliated!"
"So have I!" Destro snapped. He had made it a point to sit as far away from the Baroness as possible. "I've not only been humiliated, I'm being divorced! I'm probably going to lose what very little I have left!"
"That's what makes this trip so much fun," Zartan quipped. "Crimson Twins are you having fun?"
"Thanks a lot, Zartan!" Tomax snarled. He had a black eye.
"For having a talk with Marietta!" Xamot added. He also had a black eye.
"My pleasure," Zartan grinned.
"You realize you're probably not going to get anywhere with Marietta, either right?" Tomax snapped.
"I figured that out," Zartan shrugged. "But I could sabotage your attempts. Which I did. I'm good!"
"We are so going to get you for this," Xamot hissed.
"If it makes you feel any better," Mindbender spoke up. "I didn't get anywhere either."
"Yeah, that makes our entire day!" Destro snapped.
"It does, doesn't it?" Torch snickered as he drank an expensive bottle of alcohol and then smashed it against the wall when he was finished.
"Destro, look at the bright side," Cobra Commander said. "Soon you'll be a free man. And your soon to be ex-wife will be out almost all her alcohol. And half of her estate is trashed. I call that a win."
"You'll also be free to marry The Baroness," Buzzer spoke up.
"Hell no!" The Baroness snapped. "I'd sooner marry the vampire turkey!"
"Speaking of which where is he?" Tiffany asked.
"Who cares?" Torch snapped. "I want to know where Scott is."
"I haven't seen him all afternoon," Mindbender realized.
"Why do you care where Scott went?" The Baroness asked.
"Because I sent him to get us some sandwiches over an hour ago!" Torch snapped. "I'm bloody hungry!"
"You mean you human termites didn't devour every scrap of food in this house?" Destro asked.
"Again, not your house anymore," Cobra Commander said. "What do you care?"
A tall female Jamaican woman in a blue suit walked out. "Interesting question. Mr. McCullen, I presume?"
"Yes," Destro replied. "Who are you?"
"I'm Raina Rainana attorney for Ms. McCullen," The woman said. "I have some papers for you to sign."
"Oh joy…" Destro sighed. "Well I might as well get this over with. Is there anything I should know about alimony or…?"
"No alimony or anything like that," Raina said as she took out some papers. "However, the agreement stipulates that she now owns and controls a controlling share of Mars Industries."
"Yes, I agreed to that years ago," Destro sighed.
"And the castle in Scotland," Raina added.
"Good luck with that one," Torch snorted. "That's the one we burned to the ground, right?"
"Yes," Destro remarked as he took the papers. "What else?"
"Controlling shares of three other companies," Raina said. "The majority of your antique collection…Your silver coin collection. The joint property you bought in Barbados…"
"Let me rephrase that," Destro spoke up. "Do I get anything?"
"Does he get to keep what's left of his balls or what?" Crystal Ball asked.
Raina took something from her pocket. "She told me to give you her engagement ring and her wedding ring back."
"Oh, how generous of her," Destro said sarcastically as he took them.
"Hey it's more than what I got from my divorce," Cobra Commander spoke up.
"Nobody cares," Destro looked at him. "Fine just give me a pen."
"Not going to fight for your wife?" Zartan asked cheerfully.
"There's no point Zartan," Destro looked over the papers. "Marietta clearly wants me gone. And honestly the feeling is mostly mutual."
"Mostly mutual?" The Baroness snarled.
"Well I will miss this house," Destro sighed as he signed. "What's left of it."
"Sign here," Raina instructed. "And here. Here. Here and here."
"There…" Destro did so. "Is that all?"
"I've been instructed that Marietta wants to see all of you as soon as you sign the papers," Raina told them.
"This should be good," Zandar snickered as he picked up Crystal Ball.
"Oh, what fresh hell am I going to be subjected to now?" Destro grumbled as they followed Raina.
"Cheer up Destro," Mindbender said. "Maybe it won't be that bad?"
Three and a half minutes later…
"MARIETTA!?" Destro screamed at the sight before him. "WHAT THE HELL?"
Marietta was in bed with Scott. "How do you like the taste of your own medicine?" Marietta crowed.
"Sorry dude," Scott shrugged.
"I'm sorry," Mindbender apologized. "I was wrong. This is bad."
"How could you do this?" Destro shouted.
"She let me," Scott said.
"NOT YOU!" Destro shouted. "I DON'T FREAKING BELIEVE THIS!"
"Best day ever," Zartan laughed.
"Way to go Scott!" Buzzer said.
"You the man little dude!" Monkeywrench cheered.
"Can you believe this?" Torch whistled. "Kid comes out of nowhere! A true Cinderella story!"
"THIS IS WHO YOU CHOOSE TO GET BACK AT ME WITH?" Destro shouted. "This…This…Child?"
"Dude," Scott said. "I'm 19. Which is legal here. I think…"
"Like this group is so into legalities," Crystal Ball groaned.
"I have a thing for redheads," Marietta shrugged. "Sue me."
"I thought you were younger?" Zartan asked Scott.
"I look younger," Scott shrugged. "And I got held back a couple grades in school so…I never would have dreamed about doing this if it wasn't for the advice Cobra Commander gave me."
"What advice?" Destro snapped.
"That I'd have to be willing to be a complete and total doormat to be with a woman like Marietta," Scott said. "I'm willing."
"Is he ever," Marietta grinned.
"That's why I'm going to stay here," Scott said. "Marietta said it was okay."
"WHAT?" Destro shouted.
"Nothing personal Uncle Mindbender," Scott said. "But I don't think the terrorist gig is right for me. Don't get me wrong, I've had some fun and this has been a real learning experience. But to be honest…"
"It's probably a good career move," Mindbender shrugged. "I get it."
"No!" Destro pointed. "He is going to get it!"
"Just grow up," Marietta snapped. "It's over!"
"I can't believe you slept with this boy just to get back at me!" Destro shouted.
"He's certainly not a boy anymore," Marietta grinned as she put a bathrobe on and got out of bed.
"Damn it," The Baroness snapped her fingers. "I should have thought of that!"
"DON'T YOU START!" Destro snapped.
"Dude you're just sore because she got on the rebound faster than you did," Torch said.
"You know," Cobra Commander said to Zartan. "You don't think kids listen today to your advice. But this is proof that they do sometimes!"
"YOU'RE ACTUALLY PROUD OF THIS?" Destro shouted.
"Honestly yes," Cobra Commander shrugged.
"Stupid question," Crystal Ball remarked.
"I know, right?" Zandar agreed.
"Let's be honest," Cobra Commander pointed. "He's perfect for her! I say good for him! Let him enjoy the ride while it lasts."
"I know I did," Marietta remarked.
"AAAH!" Destro shouted in frustration.
"It's like a bloody soap opera around here," Zarana remarked.
"By the way I just called the police about…Three minutes ago," Marietta said. "If I were you, I'd run back to the airstrip, get in your plane and take off. And never, ever, ever come back here again."
Marietta looked at Scott. "Not you obviously. But everybody else…"
"I'm cool with that," Scott nodded. "Sorry Uncle Mindbender…"
"No, I get it," Mindbender admitted. "I'd do the same thing if I were you."
"This is not over!" Destro warned.
Then he heard the sounds of sirens in the distance. "Okay maybe it is over?" Destro groaned. "Commander…"
"Cobra retreat!" Cobra Commander shouted as the remaining Cobras fled for their lives.
Later…Back in the plane…
"So we got into a tiny firefight with the Jamaican authorities? That was still a fun stop," Cobra Commander said cheerfully. "I had a good time."
Destro glared at him. "I'm glad you're happy."
"I told you it was a mistake to stop there," The Baroness grumbled as she flew the plane.
"Shut it Baroness!" Destro snarled.
"You shut it!" The Baroness snapped.
"Still the best day ever," Zartan grinned.
"I'm glad Scott is finding his own path," Mindbender said. "Truth be told I was doubting he was cut out for this life anyway."
"I'm not even sure I'm cut out for this life," Destro grumbled.
"Wow," Zartan chuckled. "Your ex-wife is Mindbender's pseudo stepson's Sugar Mama. I would die if I were you! I would die!"
"Please do," Destro growled at him.
"It's just so funny how the way the world works isn't it?" Monkeywrench remarked.
"You're going to find out how jumping out of a plane without a parachute works if you keep this up!" Destro snapped. "It's not going to last anyway! I give it a week before she gets tired of his pasty pimple ridden ass and throws him out!"
"Dude," Torch said. "Still longer than you. I mean she didn't even wait a couple days to throw you over."
"I will throw you out next!" Destro snapped.
"Next stop, Greenland!" Cobra Commander called out.
"I have this feeling that we forgot something," Tomax realized.
"So do I," Xamot realized. "I wonder what it is?"
"Trust me," Crystal Ball said. "It's not that important."
Meanwhile on a beach in Jamaica…
"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU BASTARDS LEFT ME BEHIND!" Blood Wing shouted, still in his turkey form. "Wait until I get my vampiric beak on them!"
"Cooo?" A female white peacock strutted up to him. She started rubbing against him.
"Hey! No! What did I say?" Blood Wing snapped as he moved away. "What happened in the aviary, stays in the aviary!"
"Cooo?"
"You knew what this was," Blood Wing glared at her.
"COOOO!"
"Uh oh…" Blood Wing saw the brown peacock female glare at him. "Hello?"
"Cooo? COOOO! COOO!"
"Oh this never ends well," Blood Wing moaned as the two females advanced on him.