A shout out to Gregorian 12 for some of the dialog and inspiration for this chapter!
Cobra Commander walked out. "Why do people insist on giving this deranged woman ideas?"
Interdimensional Dimwits
"I can't believe we survived…" Destro staggered onto the beach. "I can't believe we survived!"
"Well we did!" Cobra Commander snapped as he carried Crystal Ball. The Cobras had made their way to the beach. "Even a freak storm can't destroy Cobra!"
"Yeah but the yacht is toast now," Torch grumbled as he looked back. "Well I suppose toast isn't the most accurate description. Since it's sinking into the ocean…More like…?"
"Soggy toast?" Ripper suggested.
"That's as good as any," Torch nodded.
"Well our situation isn't good," The Baroness grumbled. "We lost our boat. We're stranded with no food or supplies…"
"We could just get stuff over there," Monkeywrench pointed.
In the short distance there was a large city. "A city!" Cobra Commander cheered. "We're saved!"
"Yeah a city," Zandar realized. "In the middle of the Bermuda Triangle. With pink buildings."
"Not all of them are pink," Zarana said. "Some of them are purple."
"Why does that city look like an 80's version of Miami combined with Tron on acid?" Zartan blinked.
"Because that's Moonshine City," Crystal Ball sighed. "I was afraid this would happen."
"Moonshine City?" Torch blinked. "Never heard of it."
"That's not surprising," Crystal Ball said. "And not for the reasons you think. You haven't heard of it because it doesn't exist in our dimension."
"What?" Destro did a double take.
"We went through an unstable dimensional wormhole," Crystal Ball said. "And now we're in a completely different dimension. That was the cause of that freak storm. It's extremely rare but it does happen."
"So, we're in another dimension?" The Baroness asked. "Again?"
"What is this like?" Zartan asked. "The fourth or fifth time?"
"I think it's more like sixth or seventh for us," The Baroness admitted pointing to Destro and Cobra Commander.
"I stopped counting after we travelled back in time to Ancient Greece," Destro sighed.
"Technically that wasn't another dimension," Tomax pointed out.
"Just the past," Xamot added.
"It was another world that wasn't ours," Destro said. "Close enough!"
"This has happened to you guys before?" Tiffany asked.
"Oh yeah," Torch nodded.
"Mostly Destro, the Baroness and I but…" Cobra Commander sighed. "There have been a few dimensional dalliances with all of us over the decades. So how do we figure out which one we're in this time?"
"Let me check the broadcast here," Crystal Ball said. "Be right back." He faded out.
"Why doesn't he do that all the time?" Cobra Commander grumbled.
"It's kind of pretty," Tiffany looked at the city.
"Looks aren't everything," Zarana remarked.
"Lucky for you," Crystal Ball reappeared.
"So? What did you find out?" Cobra Commander asked.
"You know there are an infinite variety of combinations in infinite universes?" Crystal Ball explained. "And in some combinations certain people don't exist in?"
"Yes," Destro said.
"This is one of them," Crystal Ball said. "None of your incarnations exist in this world."
"In other words," Destro remarked. "This is a world where Cobra never even formed. Much less got any power."
"Why can't we ever end up in one of those worlds?" Cobra Commander groaned. "A world where Cobra rules supreme!"
"That's not necessarily a good thing, Cobra Commander," Destro looked at him. "Think about it. Would you share power with an alternate version of yourself?"
"You have a point," Cobra Commander sighed. "Well maybe if my other self just happened to be a single woman. That wasn't horribly mutated. No, you have a point."
"Exactly," Crystal Ball nodded. "There are a lot of weird incarnations of this group."
"Weirder than what we have now?" Zartan pointed to the group.
"Oh yeah," Crystal Ball nodded. "Take Universe 49879 for example."
"You can see other universes?" Zarana asked.
"Yes!" Crystal Ball rolled his eyes. "Psychic abilities. Duh! Anyway, you know some of those Michel Bay movies? Some of them are real in other dimensions."
"Which ones?" Buzzer asked.
"The Transformer ones mostly," Crystal Ball shrugged. "Anyway, this version starts with Destro being born in Medieval Scotland. And he was the younger mute brother of Laird McCullen."
"Destro being mute," The Baroness quipped. "I'm liking this dimension already."
"Me too," Zartan nodded with a smirk.
"Well Laird McCullen was having a bit of a Viking problem," Crystal Ball explained.
"You mean the Vikings were invading his kingdom, killing his people and stealing his wealth?" Cobra Commander asked.
"That was the problem, yes," Crystal Ball rolled his eyes. "So Laird Mc C and his younger brother went to consult with the Druids of the Cobra to figure out what to do."
"Hang on," Destro did a double take. "Druids of the Cobra?"
"Yes," Crystal Ball nodded.
"Cobra Druids," Destro said.
"Yes!" Crystal Ball sighed. "Anyway, the druids had this ritual where you had to walk into a cave after consulting to receive the blessing of the gods. Both the Laird and his brother were warned to not touch anything inside the cave. Of course, the younger brother who was like eleven at the time…Couldn't resist picking up this glowing cube."
"Well duh," Torch said. "Kids can't help picking stuff up! It's what they do!"
"Well he shouldn't have done that," Crystal Ball explained. "Because it turns out this particular cave was created when a Decepticon spaceship crashed to Earth a few centuries earlier. The glowing cube activated not only the spaceship but a Decepticon warrior who took out a few guards and druids before being slain by the boy's two bodyguards. They took its face as a trophy."
"Of course," Cobra Commander deadpanned. "What else would they take?"
"The Cobra Druids were pretty ticked off at this point," Crystal Ball added. "They chased off the group for breaking the rules. And said that the Curse of the Cobra would follow the McCullen line through all time."
"So far this is pretty much par for the course," Zartan remarked.
"Now the young boy managed to not only gain the ability to speak after the ordeal," Crystal Ball went on. "But the knowledge of the entire ship and Decepticon culture that somehow downloaded into his brain. Here's where the story gets weird."
"Gets weird?" Destro did a double take.
"The Vikings of course raided their homeland," Crystal Ball continued the story. "However, the young prince had not only learned centuries of combat strategy, he managed to create a really powerful firearm. The young prince not only rallied his people and routed the Vikings, he was able to easily avenge his older brother's death at the hands of the leader of the Vikings. Thor Falkenhauser. Who ironically, was the direct ancestor of one Conrad Hauser, AKA Duke."
"No bloody way!" Torch gasped.
"Way," Crystal Ball nodded. "He's the ancestor of our Duke too."
"So what happened next?" Buzzer asked.
"The boy took the crown and the metal face from his older brother and proclaimed himself king," Crystal Ball added. "Setting up the foundations of what he called The House of Destro. Right after he went right back to the Cobra Druids and kicked their asses out of the cave, claiming all that technology for himself."
"Yeah that's something one of my ancestors would do," Destro remarked.
"He then began to travel the world," Crystal Ball added. "In the pursuit of knowledge, wisdom and potential business partners. And when he turned sixteen, hitting on every hot babe he could find."
"Definitely a Destro," The Baroness glared at Destro.
"Any-who," Crystal Ball went on. "Eventually Destro returned home and created a weapons dealing dynasty. Bringing forth many metalogical creations to the world, while keeping the best inventions for himself. Making himself and his family extremely wealthy. By using the Decepticon technology he confiscated from the ship, he was able to add several cyborg implants into his body to the point where he became practically immortal and could live forever. Unless somebody cut his head off which he would not let happen. That's why he fashioned the Decepticon face into a mask which covered his entire head and neck."
"Kind of like Highlander," Destro mused. "Only more practical."
"Exactly," Crystal Ball nodded. "After the first World War, Destro moved his castle to California. Where he created that state's first gated community. And met Cobra Commander. Who by the way was completely human. And his business partner the Baroness who owned the local brothel where Destro frequented."
"I sense a change of fortunes for Lord Destro," Zartan quipped.
"Oh yeah," Crystal Ball nodded. "Thanks to Cobra Commander and the Baroness's shrewdness and calling in a few debts, Cobra Commander bought out most of Destro's inventions with a mountain of money and a bunch of babes."
"And that's when that Destro's life went south?" Destro sighed.
"I could elaborate but we both know the answer to that is yes," Crystal Ball quipped. "It didn't help that later The Baroness was able to control Cobra and took over that organization when Cobra Commander entered a coma under shall we say suspicious circumstances."
"What?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"She and Cobra Commander were lovers and apparently he had some kind of stroke during sex or something," Crystal Ball remarked. "She took over, called herself The Serpentress and within nine months she had Cobra Commander's kid who she groomed as heir to the throne."
"WHAT?" Destro and Cobra Commander shouted.
"So in that dimension," Mindbender realized. "That was how the baby version of Serpentor came to be."
"You are correct, sir!" Crystal Ball quipped.
"You are making this up!" Destro shouted. "No woman would be insane enough to bear this idiot's children!" He pointed to Cobra Commander.
"Yeah!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Wait a minute! That did actually happen!"
"Yeah but I think Billy's mom was plastered so…" Mindbender shrugged. "Does that count?"
"Technically she was out of her mind so yeah," Zandar admitted.
"This actually happened in that dimension," Crystal Ball told him.
"This is insane to think any woman I dated would…" Destro shuddered. "It horrifies me."
"YOU?" The Baroness shouted. "HELLO! HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?"
"I didn't say it was a sane dimension," Crystal Ball explained. "Okay it's like an acid trip with robots. Especially when the Decepticons finally got off their shiny metal butts to reclaim their ship. I mean it's not as crazy as the one where Cobra Commander and the Baroness are married…"
"I think I am going to be violently ill," The Baroness groaned.
"Still not as weird as the dimension where The Baroness once dated Duke," Crystal Ball added.
"What's weird about that?" The Baroness asked.
"Cobra Commander is your brother in that universe," Crystal Ball explained. "That's where the weird part is."
"Now I know I am going to be violently ill!" The Baroness groaned.
"My point is you don't have to worry about that in this dimension," Crystal Ball went on. No Cobras here. Well technically since we're here, there are Cobras now. But…"
"Hang on," Xamot said.
"This might not be so bad," Tomax added. "In fact…"
"This could very well be a good opportunity for us," Xamot added.
"Crystal Ball tell us more about this world," Tomax ordered.
"Do I look like a TV channel changer to you?" Crystal Ball snapped.
"We know you can!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Just do it!"
"No, no, no…" Destro groaned. "We're not doing this!"
"Doing what?" Zartan asked.
"A demented rip off of Sliders!" Destro snapped. "We are not going to jump from dimension to dimension causing chaos!"
"Relax Destro that's not my plan," Cobra Commander waved. "My plan is to stay in one new dimension and cause chaos! Completely different!"
"What?" Destro snapped.
"Let's be honest," Cobra Commander waved. "Our old dimension sucks. Leaving it forever wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. Why not conquer a brand-new dimension that's never heard of us? And more importantly, doesn't have GI Joe to screw things up!"
"There is merit in your plan," The Baroness admitted.
"All we have to do is get to a computer," Cobra Commander went on. "Have the Twins and Mindbender hack us some new identities. Then find out who the top crime lord in this town is. Kill him, steal his weapons, base and resources and we're all set!"
"And where are we going to find a computer way out here?" Destro snapped. "Which we can steal without alerting the authorities?"
"Well…" Crystal Ball paused.
"What?" Destro asked.
"Look behind those bushes," Crystal Ball said.
"Okay," Zartan did so. "I don't freaking believe it! There's a mall over there!"
"What?" Cobra Commander and Destro said at the same time. They all went to look.
"Hey! There's a Circuit City right over there!" Zarana pointed. "We can use the computers there to hack in."
"Circuit City is still around?" Buzzer was stunned.
"In this dimension yes," Crystal Ball nodded. "Lucky I have an account there."
"How can you have an account with a store that doesn't exist in our dimension?" Destro shouted.
"He's a psychic ghost that survives between dimensions," Buzzer snapped. "It's not that hard to figure out."
"Yeah get a clue Destro," Tiffany agreed.
"So we'll go to Circuit City," Cobra Commander pressed on. "Use one of their computers to create new identities. Find out some more information. Bam! We're good."
"You can't just create new identities at a computer store!" Destro snapped.
"Why not?" Cobra Commander asked. "I'm pretty sure they have a halfway decent printer there."
"And a laminating machine," Zandar added. "They should have at least one laminating machine hooked up."
"Well yeah," Monkeywrench nodded. "They have to have at least one with power to demonstrate to the customers. Or a service desk that does that."
"This is insane!" Destro snapped. "This plan is completely and utterly unrealistic!"
Everyone looked at Destro. "Excuse me, Destro…" Zartan asked. "Exactly how long have you been with Cobra?"
"Even I have to admit that was a stupid remark," Torch agreed.
"You would know," Zartan nodded.
"Destro," Xamot said. "You are aware that Cobra has crossed that line…"
"Decades ago," Tomax added.
"First day actually," Torch said. "Remember the Weather Dominator?"
"That was based on science!" Destro bristled.
"Kind of wonky science," Crystal Ball corrected.
"Destro," Cobra Commander explained. "This is the same group that time traveled to Ancient Greece, hung out with Egyptian Gods, used whales to hijack oil tankers, tried to take over the world using a fake UFO and attacked the city of Chicago with vegetables! Unrealistic is kind of our forte."
"Yeah Destro," Mindbender said. "If it's not broke, why fix it?"
"Interesting motto from our scientist!" Destro snapped. "Have you all noticed that we all don't exactly blend in?"
"We'll just tell them we're on our way to a costume party," Cobra Commander waved.
"That's what I've been doing all these years," Mindbender admitted.
"Me too," Xamot and Tomax said at the same time.
"I tell people I'm dating a guy on Wall Street," The Baroness admitted. "You'd be amazed how many people buy that I'm seeing a guy who is really into leather. Apparently, it's a thing among brokers."
"I tell people either I'm in a band or I'm a struggling artist," Zarana said.
"Those are really good covers," Zandar admitted.
"I've done that too," Zartan nodded. "And the costume party thing. Oh, and I'm in a weekend biker gang."
"We go the biker gang route too," Ripper nodded. "Technically we are a biker gang so…"
"I go with I'm the latest in digital personal assistant technology," Crystal Ball admitted. Everyone looked at him. "Guys I'm a head in a ball. What else have I got?"
"Actually, that is a good one," Torch admitted. "I mean come on! Who hasn't been lying all these years?"
Everyone looked at Destro. "Costume party," Destro sighed. "Heavy metal rock band member. Actor for a science fiction movie on break. And Wall Street broker on the weekend."
"Told you that was a thing," The Baroness said.
"Fine," Destro admitted. "We'll do your crazy unrealistic plan. Just don't blame me if there's a problem."
Ten minutes later.
"Oh, there's no problem," A young sales man with bright green hair sticking up said cheerfully. "As a Circuit City Gold Star member, you have unlimited access to all our latest floor models. Oh, and if you need anything laminated there's Stacy over there at our laminating and printing center."
A woman with a bright pink mohawk waved at them. "She seems nice," Ripper said.
"If you need anything my name is Troy," The sales man said. "And I'll be wandering around playing video games. Uh I mean demonstrating the latest in gaming technology."
"That's very helpful Troy," Cobra Commander said cheerfully.
"Let me guess," Troy said. "There's a big presentation at your firm on Monday and you just had to finish that last thing before enjoying your weekend. Am I right?"
The Baroness laughed playfully. "You know these boys! Can't tear them away from work for a minute!"
"That's right," Cobra Commander said. "Sis. Work. Work. Work."
"We work hard," Tomax said.
"We play hard," Xamot added.
"Sometimes its kind of hard to tell the difference between the two," Mindbender added. "Am I right?"
"Lots and lots of Wall Street stuff," Torch added. "Numbers. Money. Stocks. Bonds. Gordon Gekko."
"That's the name of that lizard in the insurance ads?" Monkeywrench asked.
"See ya guys," Troy walked away.
"Huh," Destro was stunned. "I guess that did work."
"Told you," Cobra Commander said. "Mindbender…?"
"On it," Mindbender was already working the computer.
"Have you noticed something?" Zandar asked.
"That Troy looks exactly like Randy McKuren who lived down the road from us?" Zarana asked. "You know? The one who died when his parent's meth lab exploded?"
"Besides that," Zandar said. "And technically Randy was already dead before the explosion. You know? The crossfire with the shootout with the police?"
"Oh right," Zartan remembered. "Hey remember after we all watched the shootout and the whole place burned down Mom and her latest boyfriend took us all out to Billy Jack's Seafood Shack for dinner and ice cream?"
"Oh yeah," Zandar nodded. "That was a great Easter. But besides all that. Have you noticed anything unusual since we came in?"
"Now that you mention it," Zartan looked around. "Everybody looks like they're dressed like 80's punk rockers."
"That's the fashion of this dimension," Crystal Ball remarked. "Just check out that news cast on those TVs over there."
"This is Cha-Cha Chawinski with the Moonshine City News," A woman with blonde poofy hair wearing a leather dress was sitting at an anchor desk. "Today was another shootout between the police and the Flat Feet Street Gang. Over twenty people were shot with three fatalities of innocent civilians. Five buildings were burned down including a rest home and an orphanage. The orphanage was accidentally burned down when one of the police officers misfired a rocket launcher while celebrating victory over burning down the Flat Feet Street Gang's hideout."
"But not to worry," An image of a short man with black balding hair and a red checkered business suit was shown. "Businessman Frank Reynolds has volunteered to ship the orphans to his new orphanage slash trade school in Vietnam. Where they will learn the skills in manufacturing and marketing they need to survive in a competitive world."
"We'll be right back with the motorcycle races scores and some scenes from the World's Largest Grape Donut fair after these messages from Grape Pop Soda! Grape Pop Soda! Drink it!"
"So basically, we're in a universe filled with evolved Dreadnoks who can shave?" Destro asked.
"Pretty much yeah," Crystal Ball nodded.
"Guys I think we found our perfect home," Monkeywrench remarked. "I mean think about it. We fit in perfectly here!"
"I could see myself settling down in this dimension," Torch sighed wistfully. "Find myself a hot wife from the local strip club. Raise a bunch of cute little arsonists. Maybe a future mob boss leader?"
"Speaking of which," Cobra Commander sighed in annoyance. "Got anything Mindbender?"
"A few things actually," Mindbender pointed. "The biggest crime lord in the city is called Brandon 'Big Boss' Babel The Third. The police would love to take him down but he's made so many bribes to city hall and everywhere else they can't touch him."
"Perhaps we can assist," Cobra Commander mused. "Mindbender you think you can make some identification that can prove to the police that we are an anti-terrorism unit? That happens to specialize in organized crime? Oh, and some fake evidence of drug trafficking into Mexico and South America?"
"Cake!" Mindbender snorted as he went to work. "We're gonna have to laminate some of the badges so…"
"You're joking?" The Baroness was stunned.
"I never joke about taking out the competition," Cobra Commander told her. "Well technically I do make the occasional pun so…"
"What are we supposed to do?" Destro snapped. "Simply walk into a police station with fake credentials and evidence. Say 'Hello, we're a secret anti-terrorism unit here to take out your worst crime lord. Can we please have some weapons and vehicles? Oh, and if you can point out where he is, that would be very helpful'."
One hour later…
"I can't believe they bought that," Destro was stunned as he looked at his new blaster.
"Not only did they buy it," Cobra Commander grinned as he sat in the seat of a huge futuristic tank like vehicle. "They offered to help us blow up the base. Very helpful of that police commissioner I might say."
"They even gave us this huge tank," Zartan said as he drove it. "I can't believe they bought the line that ours was in the shop."
"I can't believe these people had a tank," The Baroness remarked as she sat in the back. "What kind of police station has a tank?"
"A giant tank big enough to fit all of us," Tiffany added. She was sitting at the weapons controls. "It's kind of disturbing if you think about it. How bad is the crime in this city?"
"This dimension is practically begging for us to conquer it," Cobra Commander purred. "Once we take down and kill this mob boss, we'll confiscate all his weapons and his base. Say we need it for evidence."
"Don't you think the police will find it strange that we just move into a mob boss's base?" Destro asked.
"Something tells me this lot won't ask too many questions as long as we let them blow stuff up and bribe them with grape soda," Zartan snorted. "Oh my God. This dimension is populated by evolved Dreadnoks!"
"All we have to do is get rid of this Big Boss and we'll be set," Cobra Commander waved. "This is going to be great!"
About one hour later…
"This is bad!" Cobra Commander screamed as he cowered in a seat of a huge airplane. "Very bad! Very, very, very bad!"
"Shut up and let me fly the plane!" Destro shouted as he flew.
"Thank God I'm dead," Crystal Ball remarked as he sat in a chair. "Radiation doesn't hurt ghosts."
"THEN MAYBE I SHOULD THROW YOU OUT THE DAMN AIRPLANE?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"PLEASE DO!" Crystal Ball snapped. "THEN I'LL HAVE PLENTY OF NEW GHOSTS FRIENDS! AND WE CAN BITCH ABOUT YOU FOR ETERNITY!"
"Boy when we mess up," Torch moaned. "We mess up. This was bad by even our standards!"
"To be fair," Destro spoke up. "We are not responsible for sixty percent of that mess! Those idiot police officers who wouldn't know what subtlety was if it was wearing a nametag and handed them a letter saying, I am Subtlety, pleased to meet you!"
"And what kind of idiot mob boss puts his hideout in the middle of a nuclear power plant?" The Baroness snapped.
"That's a safety hazard right there," Ripper agreed.
"I guess the mob boss thought since he was making a couple of nuclear bombs…" Monkeywrench guessed. "It would be easier to make them because there was a supply right there."
"And who puts a button for nuclear bombs right out in the open with no glass protector?" Zartan added. "Where any idiot can just push it!"
"Interesting choice of words," The Baroness glared at Zartan.
"I'm not the one who pushed that button!" Zartan snapped. "That idiot mob boss' nephew did!"
"After you shot him!" Destro snapped. "He fell dead on the button after you shot him!"
"Oh sure," Zartan rolled his eyes. "If you want to be technical!"
Xamot sighed. "Technically you bombed this dimension's equivalent of Washington DC and Detroit."
"What's the bad news?" Torch quipped.
"The bad news Torch," Cobra Commander snapped. "Is that we inadvertently started World War Three in this dimension!"
"Technically that would be World War Five in this dimension," Crystal Ball spoke up. "There were a couple of very interesting skirmishes in this world. But yeah, this is the first one with nuclear weapons!"
"So, this world is toast right?" Torch asked.
"There are retaliatory strikes being prepared as we speak," Crystal Ball sighed. "And there are going to be retaliatory strikes for those strikes. And so on. And so on."
"All because you idiots couldn't do your jobs!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Hey!" Tiffany snapped. "At least I killed the Mob Boss! You can't fault me for that!"
"Yes, I can," Destro snapped. "You killed the one guy who could have overridden the order! As well as the nuclear meltdown!"
"We were lucky to run out and grab this plane from that hanger the Big Boss had before that power plant went ka-boom!" Zarana groaned.
"Okay I would like to point out," Mindbender snapped. "That it is not technically my fault that the nuclear meltdown started! Clearly there were a lot of code violations in that plant before I even hacked into that system!"
"We have to agree with Mindbender on this one?" Xamot said.
"Who patches up a nuclear plant leak with duct tape?" Tomax added.
"So it's not my fault if the nuclear reactor has a major meltdown!" Mindbender snapped.
"It may not," Tiffany said. "That one police officer said he could avert it by hacking into the system."
"That's why we left him to do it," Cobra Commander sighed.
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Which obviously he couldn't," Cobra Commander groaned. "The nuclear plant blew up didn't it?"
"Oh yeah," Crystal Ball nodded. "You might want to fly the plane faster now. Over the ocean. Way into the ocean!"
"What do you think I'm doing?" Destro snapped. "Conducting the London Symphony Orchestra?"
"Hey! At least we were able to steal this sweet ride," Torch pointed out.
"But now what do we do?" The Baroness asked.
"There's another unstable portal about a couple miles from here," Crystal Ball said. "Now that I think about it, this entire dimension is pretty unstable."
"Well there is a nuclear reaction going on right now!" Zartan snapped. "SO YEAH!"
"Then let's go for it!" Cobra Commander snapped. "And get the hell out of here!"
"What are the coordinates?" Destro sighed.
"Just fly straight and really fast," Crystal Ball said. "Into that storm."
"I see it," Destro sighed.
"Okay am I the only one who's worried that we pretty much blew up an entire world?" Zandar asked. "It's just me, right?"
"Not just you," Zarana sighed. "We're in the minority but not just you."
"Honestly from what I've seen in this universe," Destro remarked just as they went into the portal. "It's for the best."