Where No Cobra Has Gone Before
"Personal Log of Dr. Winston Winthrop Walawala The Thirty Third," A balding man wearing white robes and glasses with a resemblance to David Cross spoke. He was standing inside a huge futuristic room with many highly advanced machines.
"As the caretaker and head scientist of Research Lab 234532, I am excited about the extremely rare dimensional storm that is occurring right outside my laboratory. For those colleagues of mine who still refuse to believe that such a thing exists…These readings and tests will prove that dimensional shifts between the walls of different realties exist."
"So, to all those who doubted me," Winston said. "Take this research and stick it in your basket! I was right! Ha! Ha!"
"These readings are more than insurmountable proof that there are such a thing as dimensional portals. The only evidence that would be more conclusive would be if some ship carrying people from another dimension would show up and land on my doorstep. The doorstep of course would be the landing pad of my research base."
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMM!
CRASH!
"What the whiskers?" Winston gasped. He ran to a monitor and saw a futuristic plane had crashed right onto the landing strip of the base.
"Well that's very convenient," Winston blinked.
"WAY TO GO MORONS!" Cobra Commander was heard screaming. "I HAVE MORONS ON MY PAYROLL!"
"YOU HAVEN'T PAID US IN MONTHS AND YOU KNOW IT!" Zartan was heard shouting.
"It appears I have visitors," Winston blinked.
"It could be one of two things," Winston said. "The travelers are either a group of intelligent beings that are exploring between dimensions and just happened to have bad luck with the storm. Or they are complete and utter morons who just happened to stumble into a dimensional rift. Either way my superior intellect should be more than capable of handling them."
"Should I take some weapons? Just in case they are savages?" Winston realized. "No that would be rude. And in any case, I am a highly intelligent being. I think I can handle a couple of savages. If they are savages. If they aren't savages then I highly apologize. Now that I look at it that ship looks relatively advanced. I mean obviously not as advanced as our world's. Maybe it's an older model?"
Back on the landing site. "Well you wrecked the plane!" Cobra Commander snapped to Destro.
"Correction," Destro glared at him. "The dimensional storm rift crashed the plane. I managed to land us safely onto the one area in a giant ocean that actually had a landing strip! YOU'RE WELCOME!"
"It is pretty convenient we ended up on some kind of airfield on some kind of base in the middle of bloody nowhere," Zarana remarked.
"If it wasn't for dumb luck, we wouldn't have any at all," Zandar shrugged.
"We do have other kinds of luck," The Baroness reminded him. "And it's all different levels of bad!"
"I hate to admit it," Crystal Ball remarked to Cobra Commander who was holding him. "But Destro has a point. There doesn't seem to be any other place to land for miles."
"Check out what dimension we're in this time," Cobra Commander ordered.
"Fine! I'll get the guidebook," Crystal Ball disappeared.
"He has a guidebook in there?" Torch asked.
"Honestly at this point I don't even bother to ask," Cobra Commander sighed. "I just go with it. It's best not to think about it too hard."
"Considering the majority of this group barely thinks at all…" The Baroness remarked.
"It appears we are not alone," Destro pointed as the doors opened on the large base.
Winston's face appeared on a large monitor above the doors. "Welcome trans-dimensional travelers! Please enter and prepare to be probed. No, that doesn't sound right. Not that one. The other one. Scanned. That's the word I was looking for scanned. Scanned is just a harmless little beam while probed is…Well I think we can all agree probing is not the politest way to greet someone. Unless you're into that? I'm not really sure what your standards are in your dimension. No judgement here."
"Oh, what fresh Hell have we gotten ourselves into this time?" The Baroness groaned.
"So where do we stand on the probing?" Winston was confused. "No probing, right? Just scanning? Unless you are into that? Again, no judgement here. I'd go first if that makes it easier…"
"Well if you're offering to go first…" Mindbender began.
"NO MINDBENDER!" Destro snapped. "We'll just take the scan."
"Aww…" Mindbender pouted as they walked in.
"Perhaps another time?" Tiffany consoled him.
Soon the Cobras were inside what looked like a huge room. "This is so exciting!" Winston giggled. "I've never scanned people from other dimensions before!"
"Including your own?" The Baroness quipped dryly.
"What kind of idiots are in this world?" Cobra Commander grumbled.
"Actually, this dimension is highly advanced," Crystal Ball explained as he reappeared. "They have almost the same technology as Star Trek. Only without the teleporters and Klingons."
"Your personal computer is correct," Winston said. "I am Dr. Winston Winthrop Walawala the Thirty Third. I'm in charge of this data observation base and research facility. And also…What is Star Trek?"
"It's a TV show on our world," Cobra Commander explained. "You know? Space? The final frontier? Exploring other planets and meeting alien babes? That's not familiar to you?"
"Oh, we have entertainment programs like that," Winston nodded. "Hang on…" He touched a dial.
"What the…?" Cobra Commander did a double take as a red light scanned him.
"It's clear you are humanoid but do not fit the parameters of traditional human biology," Winston said. "So, you wear that mask to breathe our atmosphere because it's different than your planet?"
"Why else would I wear a mask that covers my face?" Cobra Commander asked sarcastically. "That I want to hide the fact that I'm a deformed man who evolved from snakes? More than once actually…"
"He's an alien yeah," The Baroness decided to cover up the truth.
"Sorry," Winston said. "Just wanted to make sure that you were intelligent sentient beings. Not bumbling morons. But clearly if you have made contact with other life forms…"
"Hey!" Torch snapped. "Not all of us are morons thank you very much!"
"These are our pet apes," Cobra Commander pointed to the Dreadnoks. "We trained them. In hindsight teaching them to speak was a bad idea."
"Hey!" Ripper protested.
"Shut up if you want a banana," The Baroness snapped.
"That explains the smell," Winston winced. "But I do feel relieved. Obviously, you come from an advanced dimension like ours. It's not like you're some idiot savages that just flew through the dimensional storm portal on some kind of whim."
"Nope," Cobra Commander lied smoothly. "That is not what happened."
"But why do you carry weapons?" Winston asked.
"Oh these?" The Baroness looked at her weapon. "Funny story. See we thought there was a chance you might be some crazy evil criminal. Or belong to a group of terrorists that are determined to rule the world."
"This is not our first dimensional jump," Destro added.
"You would not believe the nut jobs in some of those other dimensions," Mindbender added.
"Yes," Crystal Ball said. "There was one guy who tried to take over the world using giant vegetables."
"Well that's just insane," Winston remarked.
"More like thinking out of the box…" Cobra Commander coughed.
"And then this other guy," Crystal Ball added. "Decided to let man eating lions loose at a circus!"
"Technically he didn't let them loose!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Some other people broke into their cage and let them loose! Big difference!"
"One guy tried to use an army of zombies," Zartan added. "Well the ones he wasn't using to work at his casino."
"That's just stupid," Winston was stunned.
"More like a cost cutting measure…" Cobra Commander added.
"Tried to use mind control on animals to take over the world," The Baroness added.
"Again, cutting costs!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"This is the same idiot who thought using ghosts would be a good way to take over the world," The Baroness went on.
"It just makes sense to have people who are not afraid to fight because they're already dead!" Cobra Commander snapped. "And cost cutting!"
"Ghosts aren't real," Winston sniffed.
"Wanna bet?" Crystal Ball quipped. "This other idiot thought it would be a good idea to carve his face into the moon."
"What some kind of space vandalism?" Winston asked. "What's the point of that?"
"Probably to inspire fear into his enemies," Cobra Commander told him.
"That's a stupid way to do it," Winston remarked.
"So was using a giant robot sea serpent," Destro went on. "That ended up eating the guy who ordered it's creation."
"That's really stupid," Winston added.
"Using a telethon to raise money for a criminal organization…" Mindbender added.
"That one worked!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Barely," Destro remarked.
"And then there was the time…" Torch began.
"OKAY! WE GET IT!" Cobra Commander shouted. "I mean…Winston gets it. There are a lot of criminals out there. With very creative ideas."
"My Goodness," Winston said. "I knew there were some violent people in other dimensions but I had no idea how insane and stupid they were."
"You have no idea," Crystal Ball grinned.
"So, to totally change the direction of this conversation," Cobra Commander groaned. "For no reason. What exactly is this research station for? And are there any other people here?"
"Let me answer the second question first," Winston said. "I am the only scientist here. With our advanced technology, we only need two to five people at these stations in order to run them successfully. But my superiors and colleges all agreed that I was more than enough to handle being alone on a research station."
"Really?" The Baroness raised an eyebrow. "Both your superiors and colleges agreed to leave you on a research station alone? With no one else?"
"Honestly other people slow my research down," Winston waved. "Plus, it was a huge honor for me to be given an entire research station. Clearly my superiors acknowledged my superior intelligence didn't need to be hindered."
"Really?" Destro remarked.
"I mean I do get mandatory check ins from Earth Patrol once a month," Winston said. "Oh, you should stick around and meet those guys. They'll be here in three days. But they never stay very long."
"They don't?" Zartan sighed.
"Sometimes they don't even bother getting out of the ship," Winston shrugged.
"I believe that," Torch remarked.
"Just out of curiosity Winston," Cobra Commander sighed. "I don't mean to open up a proverbial can of worms but…Are you sure there aren't any other reasons they left you alone on this station? Nothing that happened before you were assigned here? No other incidents?"
"Well I wouldn't call them incidents," Winston shrugged. "I mean, yes my colleges and I would often get into spirited debates about my theories. Is it my fault that they're not as intelligent as I am? And can't recognize my genius?"
"How many debates are we talking about?" Destro asked.
"Only two or three times…" Winston paused. "A day…"
"We see," The Crimson Twins said as one.
"That's why I was given this research station," Winston said. "To study my theories in peace. And of course, to be the caretaker of all the discontinued weapons."
"The what now?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Our society has done away with wars centuries ago," Winston explained. "Most of the primitive weapons of destruction were either destroyed or put in vaults like this one. Mostly in case aliens attack us. You never know what's out there."
"You really don't," Zartan quipped.
"My base has some stockpiled missiles," Winston waved. "A couple of plasma cannons, a few other useless weapons and inventions that were declared illegal. Blaster guns, bombs, mutating chemicals, a ray gun that makes people think they're animals…That sort of useless nonsense."
"Really?" Cobra Commander was interested. "And your superiors left you alone with all these weapons and bombs?"
"Well who would want that useless junk?" Winston snickered.
"Who indeed?" Destro asked in his most charming voice. "Winston…I have to ask. Exactly how spirited were these debates?"
"Mildly…" Winston coughed.
"And by mildly you mean…?" The Baroness folded her arms.
"Things were said in the heat of the moment," Winston admitted. "And thrown."
"You threw things, didn't you?" Crystal Ball said condescendingly.
"Hey those jerks deserved it!" Winston snapped. "They called my research flawed! FLAWED I TELL YOU!"
"Uh huh," Cobra Commander sighed. "I think I got my answer."
"What do you mean?" Winston asked.
"Why you were left here alone," Monkeywrench told him. "To keep you away from everyone else!"
"The monkey ain't wrong," Zarana shrugged.
"What?" Winston was stunned. "No! No! They wouldn't do that! They said they weren't mad about the whole sprinkler incident!"
"What sprinkler incident?" The Baroness asked.
"You set something on fire, didn't you?" Torch asked.
"No," Winston corrected. "I was making improvements to the sprinkler system. It kind of went off during a fundraising banquet at the university but that could have happened to anybody."
Buzzer asked. "And how long after that did they suggest you take this job here?"
"It was the next day wasn't it?" Torch asked.
Realization hit Winston. "Son of a biscuit…"
"I'm also guessing they told you to do all the experiments you wanted," Monkeywrench added.
"In a building full of bombs and explosive weapons," Tiffany added. "They told you that didn't they?"
"They said that in hopes that you'd blow yourself up," Torch explained.
"Double son of a biscuit!" Winston gasped.
"Just like to point out…" Tomax said.
"That our unevolved apes figured it out before you did," Xamot added.
"Score one for the unevolved apes," Torch smirked.
"Well now I no longer feel guilty for buying my Nimbus XXII," Winston snapped. "They said I could get any spaceship I wanted using the company funds! Why shouldn't I take the best?"
"That's right you deserve…" Cobra Commander did a double take. "Spaceship?"
"Your company let you buy a spaceship?" The Baroness's jaw dropped.
"That's right," Winston said. "Everybody was allowed to get one last year. It was in our contract."
"What kind of union do you have?" Zartan gasped.
"And how do we join?" Torch added.
"I can't believe I actually felt guilty for buying the largest most luxurious spaceship my company would allow," Winston snapped. "Try to trick me huh? Well the joke's on them! Not only did I get the full package, I got proof that random interdimensional rifts exist! This will get me the Tesla!"
"You get a car?" Tiffany asked.
"Tesla is the highest scientific award our world has," Winston asked. "Named after the man who discovered electricity and created the light bulb."
"I thought that was Thomas Edison?" Zarana asked.
"I'm guessing in your world Tesla got to the patent office first, didn't he?" Destro realized.
"That's exactly what happened," Winston nodded. "Plus, who would like Edison. He tried to electrocute an elephant once and the elephant sat on him."
"Technically Edison didn't electrocute the elephant in our world…" Destro paused. "Never mind. Not important."
"It's important to the elephant," Torch pointed out.
"Can we get back to the spaceship please?" Cobra Commander snapped. "So, what are we talking about with features and engine here? Does it run on gas, nuclear power, rainbows or what…?"
"Oh no," Winston shook his head. "It runs on a basic man-made quantum gaseous singularity."
"Oh, one of those," The Baroness said dryly. "Sure, we can just go down to the Wal-Mart and pick up one of those on Aisle 7."
Winston blinked. "Is that like a Nile Prime store or…?"
"Something like that…" The Baroness groaned.
"I think he means that the starship runs on an actual star," Mindbender guessed.
"A man-made star," Winston explained. "It's very small and very stable. It's going to power that baby for decades. Including the air conditioning, heating, replication systems…"
"Very impressive," Cobra Commander put on his most charming tone. "Can we see your spaceship? Is there brochure it came with or…?"
"Yes, it's in the garage," Winston nodded. "Just down the hall from where all the weapons and bombs are located."
"It just occurred to me," Destro realized. "You're just telling a bunch of strangers you never met about all this?"
"About all of what?" Winston blinked.
"Never mind," Destro sighed. "Nothing important. Except do you have any scotch?"
"I'm mostly Irish in my background," Winston said. "However, I do have some Greek on my…"
"Not your DNA," Cobra Commander said. "He's means the drink."
"The what now?" Winston asked.
"Where is your alcohol?" Cobra Commander asked.
"My what?" Winston asked.
"The booze," Cobra Commander snapped. "The hooch. The hard stuff. The giggle juice. Grape juice plus. The red-eye. The firewater. The Tipple. The Toddy. The Hot Toddys. The moonshine. The brew. The brewskis. Come on!"
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Winston blinked.
"That's because they never invented alcohol in this dimension," Crystal Ball explained.
"What do you mean there's no alcohol in this dimension?" Cobra Commander screamed.
"None," Crystal Ball explained. "Nada. Zip. Bupkis. Diddly-squat. Zipp-ola. Zilch. Zippo. Diddly-squat!"
"So this dimension…" Cobra Commander was stunned. "Has no alcohol at all?"
"Nope," Crystal Ball shook his head. "There was never any prohibition acts here because there was nothing to prohibit. No prohibition, no need or want for illegal alcohol. No rise in the mob or criminal empires. Ironically also no mob movies or TV shows. Which lead to fewer actors and more scientists. Fewer actors means a much smaller Hollywood. A smaller money means not as many blockbusters. The fewer blockbusters the smaller the movie industry became…Look, long story short. It's just a huge chain of effects that leads to libraries being more popular than malls in this world."
"The planet, the biosphere, the ecosphere…" Buzzer spoke up. Everyone looked at him. "Are we not playing the Thesaurus Game?"
"No," Destro sighed. "But I may be playing the game Bonk The Dreadnok On The Head With a Mallet in the near future."
"I'm guessing the Godfather Trilogy was never made in this world?" Zartan asked.
"Nope," Crystal Ball shook his head. "But a lot of movies about scientists were made. Not quite the same zip as the Godfather…And a lot less murders."
"Well what the hell do people do when they want to escape from their problems?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Curl up with a good book," Winston blinked. "Is that not a thing in your world?"
"Not as much as you would think," Mindbender admitted.
"No wonder this dimension is so advanced," Destro realized.
"It's also full of boring nerds!" Cobra Commander snapped. "What good is an advanced civilization that doesn't have alcohol?"
"Hang on," Winston realized. "Is this alcohol one of those mind numbing, brain cell destroying poisons people drink in lesser dimensions?"
"You say that like it's a bad thing," Cobra Commander snapped.
"Wait a minute," Winston realized. "Something isn't right here. Something is not right here. What research we do have on other dimensions before interdimensional traveling from our world was banned showed that other dimensions that have these mind-numbing chemicals aren't as advanced as…You don't even have spaceships in your world do you?"
"Well not real ones," Torch admitted.
"You said you were an advanced civilization but you're not, are you?" Winston was stunned.
"Yeah it's this new thing called lying," Cobra Commander told him. "It's a wonderful invention from our world."
"Well here's an invention from my world," Winston pushed a button. "All your blasters and weapons are now ineffective. Which means you have no choice to obey me and my superior intellect until the police arrive in three days."
"Not all of them," Zartan told him as he pulled out his knife.
That's when Zartan stabbed him right in the chest. "Oh…. Bother…" Winston gasped. Right before Zartan broke his neck.
"He didn't see that coming," Monkeywrench snorted as Winston fell dead to the floor.
"Did you have to kill him?" The Baroness snapped.
"Yes, I did," Zartan snapped as he cleaned off his knife with Winston's robe. "Since when do you care about human life?"
"I don't," The Baroness pointed. "I care about my boots! You got blood on them!"
"Oh, like they haven't had some blood splatter before," Destro groaned. "You got those things waterproofed years ago!"
"So…" Xamot mused.
"We have three days…" Tomax added.
"Before the authorities arrive," Xamot added.
"Let's look around, shall we?" Tomax asked.
"Let's be quick about it," Cobra Commander waved. "I don't want to stay here any longer than I have to."
"Because you're worried the space police will arrive sooner?" Ripper asked.
"No! Because there's no alcohol!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"That is a good reason," Torch admitted. "Should we get rid of the body?"
"No, we might need his fingerprints or something," Cobra Commander waved. "Let's see what we can loot!"
"We can use this very helpful directory over here," Mindbender saw something and pointed. There was a directory on the wall. "Where should we start? Bombs and other old weapons? The room of unusual swords? Ooh! Mutating viruses for me! Right next to a lab! Wonderful!"
"What's this?" The Baroness pointed to another place. "Storage facility for banned inter dimensional device?"
"That's a good place to start," Cobra Commander remarked.
Soon they were in a small room. "Not even a lock on the door," Zartan remarked. "Typical!"
"I've broken into vending machines that had better security," Buzzer remarked. "Look!"
There was a pedestal with a device on it. And a sign. INTER-DIMENSIONAL TRAVELING DEVICE. DO NOT PUT IN SPACESHIPS. THESE ARE ILLEGAL AND SHOULD NOT BE USED. YOU CAN READ THE MANUAL BUT DON'T USE THE DEVICE. UNLESS YOU ARE PLANNING TO READ THE MANUAL FOR USING THE DEVICE. THEN WE HIGHLY RECOMMEND YOU DON'T DO IT.
"Who puts out something as dangerous and powerful as this without even a glass case?" Mindbender asked. "Just a stupid sign?"
"Apparently in this dimension humanity has evolved to a point where they are too smart to use common sense," Destro mused.
"I have to ask," The Baroness spoke up. "What do they do with criminals in this dimension?"
"There's basically no crime because of the desire and need to steal and kill has been bred out of the majority of the population," Crystal Ball said. "In fact, there hasn't been a murder in this dimension for at least fifty years."
"Until now," Mindbender remarked.
"We broke that streak within the first fifty minutes of being in this dimension," Cobra Commander remarked.
"They have a very interesting idea of prison reform," Crystal Ball said. "Criminals are taken to a facility to have their minds reprogrammed so that they can no longer have any violent tendencies."
"Nobody's reprogramming my brain!" Torch snapped.
"Don't worry about that Torch," Zartan said. "You can't reprogram something that doesn't exist."
"I highly advise that we not try to take over this dimension," Destro said. "And try to get back to our own."
"Or…" Cobra Commander paused. "We steal an advanced spaceship that has its own power supply. Grab as many weapons as we can. Then hop into another, less advanced dimension and take it over for ourselves."
"That'll work," Destro remarked. "Improbable as our luck is."
"Destro," Cobra Commander looked at him. "If it weren't for improbable odds and dumb unrealistic luck this entire group would either be dead or in prison decades ago."
"Just go with it," The Baroness waved.
"Let's start looting!" Cobra Commander called out.
TWO HOURS LATER…
"Okay let's just do a last-minute check of our looting," Destro remarked as he looked at a clipboard. "Spaceship with working replicators and well stocked rooms. Check. Blasters and swords. Check."
"Why are we stealing swords?" Cobra Commander asked. He was sitting in the command chair on the bridge of the starship.
"Uh hello?" Zartan waved. "How do you think we were able to steal everything here?"
"Right," Cobra Commander nodded. "Can't be too careful."
"Plus, there are a lot of good swords," Zartan said. "I'm kind of a sword guy. Guess it's all those years with ninja training."
"I wasn't knocking it," Cobra Commander said. "Just being curious."
"Moving on," Destro read from the list. "Interdimensional device?"
"Check," Mindbender nodded. "As well as all the chemicals and other devices from the lab. As well as a ton of books, notes and magazines from this world. I can study them to add to my own knowledge and create inventions ten times more advanced than I ever made before!"
"That's helpful," Destro checked on the list.
"Ten times nothing is still nothing," Zartan muttered to himself.
"I even had time and resources to make a bunch of Eddie Juniors," Mindbender grinned. "I missed those little guys."
"Good," Destro read. "Ammunition and charging devices for weapons?"
"Check," Zandar said.
"Any food?" Destro asked.
"We got some canned goods and candy bars," Tiffany explained. "They're not bad."
"Technically the replicators can make food," The Baroness admitted. "But it doesn't hurt to have a backup."
"Right," Destro read from the list. "Anything valuable? Anything at all?"
"Not even a bloody gold ring," Zarana admitted. "Although the chances of Winston being married are slim to none."
"We did find what passes for porn in this dimension," Mindbender admitted. "Basically, a picture of Marie Curie showing an ankle. We decided to leave that."
"I did find a nice paperweight," Zandar shrugged. "I took that."
"Oh good," Xamot quipped.
"We have the paperweights," Tomax added. "That makes this trip all the worthwhile."
"Hey!" Zandar snapped. "It's not our fault this guy was about as exciting as a trip to the dentist."
"To be fair…" Mindbender began. "I was pretty…"
"A regular dentist," Zandar looked at him.
"Oh," Mindbender frowned. "Well then yes…"
"Toilet paper," Destro read.
"Check and double check," Ripper called out. "And this is the five ply. Really swanky."
"How many rolls?" Zartan asked.
"Enough to TP the Sydney Tower," Torch told him.
"And we have tissues too," Tiffany added.
"And some nice shaving cream, razors and other toiletries," Zandar added. "Again, I looked everywhere for everything I could find! Not my fault the guy was boring!"
"He didn't even have any alcohol," Cobra Commander remarked. "No duh! Is that everything?"
"Pretty much," Destro remarked.
"Good then we should leave," Cobra Commander remarked. "The authorities of this world will have idea Cobra was here."
"I think the police are going to figure out something happened when they notice the stab wound in Winston's body," Destro remarked. "And the broken neck as well as the blood splatter."
"Let's get out of here before the space cops figure out what happened," Buzzer said.
"Don't worry Buzzer," Torch said. "I have a cunning plan to cover our tracks."
"And what plan is that Baldrick?" Zartan groaned.
"Well…" Torch began.
ONE HOUR LATER…
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Very original Torch," Destro groaned from the bridge of the space ship. "Blowing up the entire base."
"Hey if it ain't broke, don't fix it!" Torch shrugged. "Besides the other part of the plan will keep the cops really busy."
"I knew we had time for me to make extra Eddie Juniors," Mindbender remarked as several large blobs swam through the ocean away from the flaming wreckage.
"As much as I'd love to see a group of blobs terrorize a dimension full of dweebs," Cobra Commander remarked as he sat in the captain's chair. "I think it's time we left this dimension and find a lovely little world of our own to conquer."
"I've set up the dimensional transportation device inside the ship," Mindbender explained. "And I have the settings on dimensions that are not only not advanced beyond a certain point, but there are no Cobras or GI Joes in them. It has some weird genetic scanner that puts our DNA in it."
"This book of directions was very helpful," Zartan nodded.
"Well how non-advanced are we talking about?" The Baroness asked. "I don't want to rule over a dimension full of cavemen! I mean, the Dreadnoks are more than enough!"
"Above the Flintstones but below Star Trek," Mindbender said.
"Yes, about that Mindbender…" Cobra Commander coughed.
Mindbender cut him off. "I've also discarded any dimensions that don't have any alcohol in them!"
"Good man," Cobra Commander nodded.
"According to my calculations," Mindbender said. "There are at least seven hundred and forty-eight dimensions that are perfect for us to take over. We just have to find the right one."
"Like house hunting," Torch spoke up. "Only with dimensions."
"Then let's go!" Cobra Commander pointed. "Where no Cobra has gone before!"
"Someplace successful!" Crystal Ball quipped from a chair.
Soon…
"Our first stop in our quest for inter-dimensional conquest!" Cobra Commander grinned as the Cobras stepped out of the spaceship. They had landed in a beautiful meadow near a small town on a moonlit night.
"Perhaps we should have stayed in the spaceship?" Destro suggested. "Until we know more about this dimension?"
"Nonsense," Cobra Commander waved. "Why not stretch our legs and see what this universe has to offer? Besides, it will give the natives a chance to adore me."
"This dimension looks rather nice," Mindbender looked around. "Everything is nice and green. No signs of any advanced civilization."
"There's a town right here," Zartan pointed.
"Yeah but it's got thatched roofs," Buzzer said as they walked in. "Kind of like those old English villages."
"They have light posts," Tiffany pointed. "With some kind of crystal for a light."
Suddenly the doors of the houses opened and the inhabitants walked out. "Well lookie here…" Torch pointed as several colorful ponies trotted out to meet them.
"Greetings," A white unicorn with a pink and purple mane and tail stepped forward. "I am Princess Moonmane of Transquestria."
"Oh, this is one of those cute little dimensions with anthropomorphic animals," Mindbender said. "This is going to be easy."
"We'd love you to stay," Princess Moonmane's eyes glowed and two fangs popped out of her mouth. "For dinner…"
"Uh oh…" The Crimson Twins gulped as all the ponies began to show their fangs.
"This does not bode well," The Baroness gulped as huge bat wings emerged from Princess Moonmane's back.
"Did I mention this was a world of perpetual night?" Crystal Ball asked. "Populated by magical talking vampire ponies."
"No, you did not," Destro groaned.
"KILL THEM!" Princess Moonmane commanded. "WE WILL FEAST ON THEIR FLESH!"
"EAT LASERS NIGHT MARE!" Zarana fired her blasters at the ponies along with the rest of the Cobras. Some of the ponies exploded when the lasers hit them.
"Why are they exploding?" Zartan shouted.
"Because a laser is literally made of light!" Monkeywrench snapped. "DUH!"
"Yeah but it's not sunlight!" Ripper said. "Isn't there a difference?"
"WHO CARES? BACK TO THE SHIP! BACK TO THE SHIP!" Cobra Commander screamed. "COBRA RETREAT! RETREAT!"
"I AGREE!" Destro shouted as they ran. "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"
"GET THEM MY LITTLE PONIES!" Princess Moonmane hissed as the vampire ponies raced after them.
"Eddie Junior do your thing!" Mindbender pulled a vial from his belt and threw it behind the Cobras.
A green blob started to grow. The ponies that started to trample on it got stuck and then the blob started to consume them. "Aren't you glad I made more Eddie Juniors?" Mindbender asked.
"Thrilled! Keep running!" Cobra Commander screamed.
Soon the Cobras were inside the ship. "Let's get out of here!" Zartan shouted as the ship started to take off.
"NEEEEIGGGHHHH!" Several flying ponies were flying towards them.
"USE THE LASERS TORCH!" Destro ordered.
"Here's hay in your eyes!" Torch fired.
"DIE PONIES! DIE!" Cobra Commander screamed as Torch fired the laser cannons, hitting several ponies.
"Set the town on fire with a missile!" The Baroness ordered. "Between that and the Eddie Junior they'll be distracted by the destruction and we can get away!"
"You don't give the orders Baroness!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I give the orders!"
"NEIIGGHHHH!" More ponies flew towards them.
"BOMB THE TOWN WITH A MISSLE!" Cobra Commander shouted. "HELL MAKE IT TWO! BOMB IT I SAY!"
"Bombs away!" Torch did so.
BOOM! BOOOM!
"That's some vampire pony on the barbie!" Torch whooped as the town and several vampire ponies were on fire.
"NOOO!" Princess Moonmane shrieked when she flew at the ship. "YOU SHALL PAY!" Her horn glowed.
ZZZAPPP!
A laser hit Princess Moonmane and she exploded. "Not today My Little Phony!" Zarana whooped.
"Time to go!" Mindbender used the controls of the dimensional portal and soon they were in a dimensional warp. "Well that didn't go well."
"YOU THINK?" The Crimson Twins shouted.
"I told you we should have stayed in the ship!" Destro snapped.
"It figures," Cobra Commander groaned. "The first one on the list is full of evil vampire ponies!"
"They were going to adore you all right," Destro added. "AS A MAIN COURSE! I knew this insane plan was going to end in failure!"
"It's only the first dimension we picked," Tomax said.
"There are bound to be a few ones that aren't right," Xamot added.
"One down," Tomax shrugged.
"747 to go," Xamot finished.
"Oh goody," Destro moaned as the ship sped off into another dimension. "747 new chances for disaster. I can't wait."