Not So Greenland
"At last!" Cobra Commander hissed as he saw the icy expanse before him. "We arrive at Greenland! No thanks to you idiots!"
Zartan looked at him. "You do realize that most of the detours were your idea, right?"
"Why do they call it Greenland?" Torch asked as he looked out the window. "I see nothin' but ice and snow out there!"
"Don't you bloody know anything?" Buzzer asked exasperated.
"Is that a rhetorical question?" Destro raised an eyebrow.
"Right," Buzzer groaned. "Okay it all goes back to the Vikings."
"We're not talking about the American football team, right?" Monkeywrench asked.
"No! The original Vikings you wanker!" Buzzer snapped. "Anyway, the Vikings were explorers. They found this really nice green place to settle in. But they didn't want any other blokes to come trespassing. They came up with an idea! They named it Iceland. That way people would think it would be nothing but a barren wasteland. And they did the opposite with Greenland."
"So, they deliberately switched the names around so that their enemies would go to the wrong place?" Torch asked. "That's pretty clever."
"It's a tad more complicated than that," Destro explained. "It has to do with Erik The Red."
"Oh yes, fun guy," Cobra Commander remembered. "My grandfather did some business back in the day with him."
"Name dropper," Torch rolled his eyes.
"How old are you?" Buzzer did a double take.
"You're joking?" Destro asked.
"People from Cobra La live a lot longer than you humans do," Cobra Commander admitted. "But in my father's younger days he went out into the human world with my grandfather to do some…Well…Business. And part of it was trading with Vikings and getting them to raid villages for us. And one of them was Erik the Red."
"Your family knew Erik the Red?" Destro was stunned. "Why does this surprise me?"
"Apparently he wasn't a bad guy once you got to know him," Cobra Commander shrugged. "But if he got a lot of drinks in him…Whooo! Well one night my Grandfather and Erik got into a drinking contest. Of course, my Grandfather won by a mile but Erik kept up a good pace. Then it came time to pay the bar tab. That's when things got a little heated."
"And by a little heated…?" Destro asked.
"They murdered the bartender, a couple of other warriors at the pub and a cow," Cobra Commander admitted. "Then they roasted the cow over the fire they made when they burned down the pub. Turns out the locals frowned on that. Both my Grandfather and Erik were sent into exile."
"I'm amazed they didn't kill the blokes," Torch said.
"Well nobody really liked the guys they killed," Cobra Commander said. "It was the cow thing that pushed them over. And burning down the bar. They had to make an example so they felt exile fit the crime. It was no big loss to Grandfather. He sold Erik Greenland so he could live there."
Destro realized something. "Your grandfather was the one who came up with the scheme to name the island Greenland wasn't it?"
"It worked didn't it?" Cobra Commander snapped. "But as it turned out Erik liked the place. He kept the name so to attract other suckers in his land share scheme."
"Speaking of schemes…" Xamot remarked.
"What is ours?" Tomax added.
"Simple," Cobra Commander snapped. "We reclaim our base and all its contents. Then kill Vapor and Zero for those damn stupid shows!"
"It's a simple plan," Zartan quipped. "But an effective one I can get on board with."
"Fine," Cobra Commander nodded. "Are we on course to the base?"
"Our homing beacon is leading us right towards it," Zartan said.
"It should be right around that huge fire," Torch pointed. "The one where all those army and international police helicopters and trucks are around."
"This does not bode well…" Destro groaned. "It might be prudent to engage the cloaking shield."
"Already done," Mindbender told him.
"What in the Seven Serpents of the Afterlife…?" Cobra Commander shouted. "Take us as close as you can without them noticing us!"
There was a huge fire on the ground amid the ice and snow. As well as several different kinds of helicopters and army trucks everywhere. "I detect some GI Joe vehicles," The Baroness said. "And helicopters. As well as some Danish military vehicles. Some UN sponsored military vehicles…"
"Why the hell are the Danes there?" Monkeywrench asked.
"Because Denmark owns Greenland, you moron!" Buzzer groaned.
"Coo, that's a big fire," Torch said. "I'm impressed."
"That's not one of the words going through my mind," Destro groaned.
"WHAT DID THOSE IDIOTS DO?" Cobra Commander shouted.
"They set the base on fire and destroyed it," Torch said innocently.
"I KNOW THAT PART YOU IDIOT ARSONIST!" Cobra Commander screamed and whacked Torch on the head. "HOW DID THEY SET IT ON FIRE AND DESTROY IT? THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW!"
"What makes you so sure the Joes didn't find the base and destroy it?" Zandar asked.
"Because the fire seems to be burning brighter from the inside out," Torch pointed. "And I don't think the Joes would blow up a Cobra base unless they got a lot of information out."
"That's a surprisingly intelligent deduction Torch," Destro realized. "How the hell did you think of it?"
"You don't become an arsonist in Cobra for several decades and don't pick up a couple of things," Torch shrugged.
"He is an expert at destruction," Zartan admitted.
"WHO CARES? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BASE?" Cobra Commander screamed.
"Why don't we listen in on the Joes' frequency?" The Baroness suggested. "Maybe we can get a clue?"
"This group hasn't gotten a clue in years," Crystal Ball quipped.
"Don't you start!" Cobra Commander pointed.
"Let me see what I can pick up…" Mindbender worked the controls. "I think I got the Joe's frequency."
The radio cracked to life. "Complete and total destruction of the base…" Airtight's voice was heard. "And what's worse, we're detecting a huge fire underground with our thermal imagery. And the walls of the base are already breached."
"What's the problem with that Airtight?" General Hawk's voice was heard.
"For starters the fire is melting more and more of the ice," Airtight said. "Which is turning into water and starting to flood the nearby town already. But that's not the worst of it. This base just happens to be right at a crucial ravine which leads into the ocean. We estimate this catastrophe could add up to up to nine percent more water in the ocean. Possibly ten."
"Which could lead to costal flooding," Hawk guessed with a groaned.
"That and all that fresh water adding to the ocean will change the salinity," Airtight said. "Which could affect the Gulf Stream and significantly alter the North Atlantic circulation patterns that could control weather patterns around the world. Especially Europe."
"Affect how?" Hawk asked.
"Let me put it to you this way," Airtight said. "I'd recommend the people in the South of France to consider buying snow shoes. And shovels. Lots of shovels."
RRRRRRUMMMMBLE
"OH!" Airtight groaned. "And it appears that the base was built on a fault line! WAY TO GO COBRA! YOU JERKS!"
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUMMMBLE!
"Oh no!" Airtight gasped. "That earthquake triggered an avalanche! It's covering that flooded town!"
"Okay that's enough!" Cobra Commander waved. "I get the picture here. Cobra is getting blamed for an earthquake, an avalanche and global warming!"
"And people said we were washouts being terrorists!" Torch beamed proudly.
Cobra Commander paused. "Well that is the silver lining here. I do admit that. I mean this doesn't exactly hurt our reputation."
"Well our reputation couldn't have gotten worse," Destro remarked.
"But now it has!" Mindbender said cheerfully. "But in the way we want it to for a change."
"We're already trending on social media," Xamot looked at his cell phone.
Tomax did the same. "Cobra Catastrophe Catapults Climate Change."
"They have images of all the destruction we caused," Xamot remarked.
"Everybody has a cell phone nowadays, don't they?" Tomax remarked. "Ooh! Look someone's house just floated away on a bed of water and snow."
"That is really good picture quality right there," Xamot admitted.
"See this is how you stay relevant nowadays," Cobra Commander remarked. "You cause a media frenzy."
"Technically we didn't cause this particular incident," Destro said. "Our idiot subordinates did."
"The world doesn't know that!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Besides we're all going to get the blame anyway. Might as well use it to add to our street cred."
"Or jail sentences," The Baroness groaned. "Whichever comes first."
"What I want to know is what happened?" Destro frowned.
"I know what happened," Crystal Ball smirked.
"How?" Cobra Commander asked. "Oh right…You're a crystal ball."
"Duh," Crystal Ball rolled his eyes. "I'll switch to projection mode."
Crystal Ball showcased an image of what happened on the wall. "It's time to party!" Zero cheered before a half drunken group of Cobras. "Who wants Cherries Jubilee?"
Vapor was cooking them on an open grill range. "I love this dessert! Hey did you get the fireworks dude?"
"They're right there," Zero pointed to some boxes that were literally right behind Vapor.
"This does not bode well," Destro groaned.
"Hey guys!" Scrap Iron appeared. "We have a problem. There's some kind of mold all over Storage Area Two where we keep all the alcohol."
"No problem," Copperhead walked up. "I just sent some vipers down there with some gasoline to pour it all over the floor. That will clear it right up."
"Does that really work?" Vapor asked.
"Did back home," Copperhead shrugged. "According to my Uncle Stumpy."
"We got another problem," A Cobra Trooper walked up to them. "We think we have a gas leak."
"Just do what my Uncle Stumpy did," Copperhead told him. "Take a lighter and walk around. If the flame flickers there's the gas leak."
"I'll send Chuck on it," The Cobra Trooper nodded and left.
"Let me fast forward to the next part…" Crystal Ball remarked.
The scene fast forwarded as several Cobras were dancing and partying very fast. Then Crystal Ball stopped it. "Okay here's where things went wrong."
"Besides the day I hired those morons?" Cobra Commander grumbled.
Copperhead picked up his phone. "Hey Chuck, did you find the gas leak? You think it's in Storage Area Two? Well check it!"
"Storage Area Two?" Vapor asked. "Isn't that where a lot of the alcohol is?"
"Yeah so?" Copperhead asked.
"And didn't we just douse that area with a lot of gasoline?" Zero realized. "That was cleaned up and dried off before Chuck went in with an open flame, right?"
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"I'm guessing the answer is no," The Baroness groaned at the sight of the base shaking from the explosion.
"Chuck is now a Burnt Chuck Roast," Crystal Ball quipped. "Here's where it gets really fun!"
The Cherries Jubilee that was on fire shook violently. Vapor tried to catch it but the pan fell out of his grasp. "OOH! HOT!"
Right into the pile of fireworks behind them. "AAAAAAAAAAAAHH!" The Cobras fled in panic as the fireworks went off. And panicked even more as the base started to shake and fall apart.
"EVACUATE THE BASE!" Zero screamed as he tried not to get fried by fireworks. "EVACUATE THE BASE!"
"EVERY SNAKE FOR HIMSELF!" Copperhead screamed as he was nearly fried by fireworks. "YEOOWWWW!"
The Cobras fled for every vehicle they could. One unfortunate Cobra however jumped into a fighter jet but went the wrong way. Crashing into the wall. And making a bigger fire.
KA-BOOOOOOOOOM!
"Guess the party's over huh?" Torch blinked as the images ended. "Boy did that end with a bang!"
Cobra Commander groaned as he slumped into his seat and put his head into his hands. "I have morons on my payroll!"
"On the bright side there are fewer of them now," Mindbender remarked.
"Like Chuck Roast," Zartan quipped.
"We're getting a transmission," Mindbender reported. "It's on a loop on one of our hidden frequencies."
"Calling all Cobras!" Zero's voice was heard. "Calling all Cobras! Meet up at that base in Europe we told you guys about! Over!"
"WHERE IN EUROPE?" Cobra Commander snapped. "THOSE SLIMY LITTLE…"
"Calm down Commander," Destro said. "How many bases do we have in Europe as a whole?"
"Let me check," Mindbender pulled out a tablet. "Let's see there was that incident a few years ago in Greece where our base was destroyed. And the few we had in England were destroyed. And of course, your castle in Scotland Destro…"
"Moot point," Destro said. "We're not going to Scotland anyway."
"We're not?" Cobra Commander asked in an amused tone. "What makes you say that?"
"Because all my relatives are there," Destro gave him a look.
"You're right," Cobra Commander blinked. "Scotland is definitely out!"
"According to my calculations Cobra currently has…" Mindbender checked his tablet. "Fifty-seven bases left in Europe."
"Oh, is that all?" Zartan asked sarcastically.
"Great," Zarana sighed. "We get to have a fun trip around Europe."
"Especially if it's anything like the one we had in South America," Zartan groaned.
"We are seeing a lot of the world this year, aren't we?" Torch said cheerfully.
"I'll be happy once we see the end of this year," Destro groaned.