Cobra European Vacation Part II
Day Three
"This is Cobra Commander…" Cobra Commander spoke into the ship's microphone. "Calling Vapor and Zero. If you don't mind would you please give us your location? Come on you idiots! Tell me where you are so I can wring your scrawny…"
"Oh yeah," Zarana rolled her eyes. "This will work!"
"Even those idiots aren't that stupid," Mindbender agreed.
"Vapor! Zero! I order you to contact me and tell me what base you are in!" Cobra Commander snapped. "This is your supreme leader talking! If you know what's good for you, you'd better tell me where you are! Or else!"
"Something tells me the other Cobras made their location vague on purpose," The Baroness sighed.
"Do you blame them?" Zartan asked.
The Baroness sighed. "No, I don't."
"You know I'm going to find you right?" Cobra Commander shouted. "Even if I have to blow up every damn base we have in Europe! I will find you! I will hunt you down and make you suffer! So, you have a choice! A little quick suffering now. Or a lot of suffering later on down the road! WHICH IS IT?"
"That means we get to suffer now," Mindbender muttered under his breath.
"WHERE ARE YOU?" Cobra Commander screamed into the microphone. "WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? I AM GOING TO KILL YOU IDIOTS FOR WHAT YOU DID! YOU SPENT MY MONEY! SPENT YOUR TIME PARTYING! BLEW UP A BASE! AND WORST OF ALL YOU DRANK ALL MY ALCOHOL! WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU…"
"Commander!" Destro snapped. "They're obviously not going to tell us where they are!"
"Then that means we have to look everywhere for those idiots!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Even if we have to blow up half of Europe!"
"Only half?" Ripper asked.
"Well not the half that are wineries, bars and museums full of loot we can steal," Cobra Commander shrugged. "Obviously!"
"Why don't we just check off a few of the smaller countries?" The Baroness suggested. "Like Luxembourg? That's an easy one. Just one Cobra base and no Mongoose Incorporated buildings."
"What kind of base is it?" Destro asked. "I've never heard of one in Luxembourg."
"I've never heard of Luxembourg period," Torch scratched his head.
"Quelle surprise," The Baroness rolled her eyes and checked the pad. "According to this file it's mostly an office building with storage capacities."
"Why not?" Cobra Commander sighed. "It's a start!"
Cobra Base Number 12: Luxembourg
"This really is a nice little country," Mindbender remarked as they flew over a small town. "Shame we have no time to sightsee."
"Do you have eyes?" Cobra Commander asked. "That work?"
"Well…" Mindbender paused. "Yes."
"Can you see out that window?" Cobra Commander pointed.
"Yes," Mindbender admitted.
"What do you see?" Cobra Commander asked.
"I see…Houses. Trees…" Mindbender remarked. "A river."
THUD!
"Ooh! A black stork!" Mindbender remarked as he watched the bird fall.
"You're sightseeing," Cobra Commander snapped.
"Some people are so picky," Crystal Ball remarked.
"I meant getting outside and looking around," Mindbender remarked.
"Tell me about it," Crystal Ball rolled his eyes. "How about we switch places, Mindbender? I'll go out there and man the helm and you go inside my crystal ball?"
Mindbender paused. "I'm good."
"Thought so," Crystal Ball grumbled.
"Are we almost to this base?" Cobra Commander asked.
"In less than a few minutes," Zartan said. "It's right down this street."
"Near that lovely huge fire!" Torch pointed.
"This sounds vaguely familiar," Destro groaned.
"That looks familiar too!" The Baroness pointed to a building on fire.
"Hang on," Torch remarked. "We didn't even use the lasers on that one!"
"I just remembered something…Remember when we had those exploding copy machines?" Zarana realized. "And we shipped most of them off somewhere."
"You're telling me…" The Baroness did a double take. "Oh…"
"Exploding copy machines destroyed a base," Cobra Commander sighed. "Well at least this one didn't take long. NEXT!"
Cobra Base Number 13: Brussels, Belgium.
"It makes sense to knock off countries with the fewest bases first," Zartan explained. "Belgium only has one too."
"And no Mongoose Incorporated buildings either," Mindbender worked on the computer. "As far as I can figure out."
"That doesn't really say much," Crystal Ball remarked.
"Pity I can't say the same for you!" Mindbender snapped.
"So, what's the story with this base?" Cobra Commander asked.
"It's a gourmet chocolate candy shop," Tomax said. "We used to use it for a counterfeiting money scheme but now it just makes chocolate."
"Chocolate?" The Baroness, Zarana, Mindbender, Torch and Tiffany instantly paid attention.
"YES!" Zarana cheered.
"I loves chocolate!" Torch grinned.
"I am so down for chocolate!" Mindbender cheered. "What? A mad scientist can't have a sweet tooth?"
"Didn't you used to be a dentist?" Destro asked.
"Yes," Mindbender shrugged. "I never said I was a good one."
"Fun fact," Xamot remarked. "This particular base is right across the street from one of Brussel's oldest beer breweries."
"BEER?" Cobra Commander and the Dreadnoks instantly paid attention.
"YES!" Cobra Commander whooped. "I am so down for that!"
"Obviously this is going to be a divide and conquer raid," Destro sighed. "One group will check out the base and the other will raid the brewery. I volunteer to stay behind and guard the ship."
Soon the spaceship had landed in the street. People ran in fear from the laser toting Cobras. "COBRAAAAAAAAAA!" Cobra Commander waved. "THE BEER IS MINE!" He ran with a group into the brewery.
"COBRAAAA!" The Baroness whooped. Her group had Zarana and Tiffany. "The chocolate is ours!"
"COME TO MAMA!" Tiffany whooped as they ran into the chocolatier.
"OOOH!" Torch looked conflicted as he stood in the street. "Beer. Chocolate. Beer. Chocolate. Beer! Chocolate! I CAN'T MAKE UP MY MIND!"
"That would imply you had one," Zartan sighed. "You go with Zarana, Tiffany and the Baroness."
"YAY! CHOCOLATE!" Mindbender practically skipped towards the base. "LOVELY, LOVELY CHOCOLATE! YAY!"
"And Mindbender…" Zartan sighed. "Go help them steal chocolate. We'll save some beer for you."
"ALCOHOL!" Cobra Commander was heard squealing with delight. "SWEET WONDERFUL ALCOHOL!"
"If we can pry some from Cobra Commander's reptilian claws," Zartan groaned.
"KA-BOOOOOOOOOM!"
"HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!" Cobra Commander was heard cackling. A minor flood of beer leaked out of the brewery.
"On second thought," Zartan sighed. "I'll go with the Chocolate Group."
"Yeah that might be safer," Torch nodded as they went into the chocolatier. Then he saw what was going on. "On the other hand…"
The Baroness was stuffing as much chocolate as she could into a bag. While throwing some bon bons into her mouth every other toss. "Sweet glorious chocolate!"
Tiffany was gorging liquid chocolate into her mouth. "So dark and luscious! Just how I like my chocolate! And my men!"
"Oh yeah!" Mindbender was stuffing chocolate into his mouth. "I know I will have to do some extra sit ups but it's worth it! OH GOD It's worth it!"
"HA! HA! HA!" Zarana cackled as she ate and stole candy at the same time. "MINE! MINE! MINE!"
"I think I just figured out why Destro volunteered to stay behind," Zartan blinked. "Right, Torch? Torch?"
Torch was dancing around while eating chocolate. "It's mine, gang! Mine all the chocolate!" He sang to the tune of a Disney song from Pocahontas. "I'll drink chocolate! Drink every drop!"
"Grab some bon-bons boys," The Baroness ordered as she did so. "Quick boys!"
"Just grab that processed cacao now," Mindbender sang as he stole and ate. "Don't really care how! Bon bons and truffles…Ribbons and fruffles will be fine! It's chocolate and it's all…MINE!"
"EAT! AND TASTE AND EAT AND SO TASTY…" The Cobras sang and danced gleefully as they robbed and wrecked the store. "EAT AND TASTE AND EAT AND SO TASTY!"
Zarana took a bite of a bar and sang. "All of my life I have searched for a bar like this one! A darker smoother taste that's truly divine! There're hundreds of flavors here and I don't plan to miss one! A flavor I can't explain! A taste that can't be contained! And all of this flavor is mine!"
"Mine!" Torch sang through mouthfuls of chocolate.
"Mine!" Tiffany sang while drinking more chocolate.
"Mine!" The Baroness held some toffee bars.
"Mine!" Mindbender was holding some golden covered bars. "GOLD! BEAUTIFUL CHOCOLATE GOLD! THE MOTHER LODE!"
"It's official," Zartan sighed. "We've all been together way too long. We're all starting to go nuts."
"Chocolate covered nuts!" Torch whooped as he dove into a barrel full of them.
"Hunter S. Thompson was wrong," Zartan remarked. "There is nothing so helpless and irresponsible than a chocoholic in the depths of a chocolate binge."
BOOOOOOOOOOOO!
"BOOZE GLORIOUS BOOOZE!" Cobra Commander was heard singing.
"Or an alcoholic with access to lasers," Zartan groaned.
Twenty minutes later the spaceship flew away. Leaving behind some fires, screaming people and a flood of both beer and chocolate in the streets. "Well this was a level of destruction we haven't accomplished in quite a while," Destro remarked as he flew the spaceship away.
"So that's why you volunteered to stay behind," Zartan looked at Destro. He was covered in chocolate.
"Over the years you get a sense when things are about to get out of hand," Destro shrugged.
"What do you mean?" Cobra Commander asked. There were barrels and kegs of both chocolate bars and alcohol everywhere on the bridge.
"Don't get me wrong," Destro said. "The mayhem and fires were fine. And the pillaging was good I will give you that. It's just…"
"The musical numbers were a little bit over the top," Zartan remarked.
Destro took a bite of a chocolate bar. "Don't get me wrong. This is extremely good chocolate. But…"
"I know. We went a little overboard," The Baroness admitted.
"We did get a tad out of character," Tiffany remarked.
"Not that much if you've been paying attention all these years," Crystal Ball remarked.
"Mindbender have you been giving us drugs in our food again or…?" Zarana asked.
"No, I forgot," Mindbender admitted.
"I think this was a case of us having a small case of cabin fever," Cobra Commander shrugged.
"I think it's a case of you all becoming complete and total nut jobs," Crystal Ball quipped.
Cobra Commander ignored him. "I admit it. We all got a little bit carried away. We had a little fun which is good. We needed to blow off some steam. And now that we have, we can get back to business."
"By blowing up other things?" Torch asked.
"Exactly," Cobra Commander nodded.
Cobra Base Number 14: The Netherlands.
"ANOTHER FREAKING CHICKEN RESTAURANT?" Cobra Commander screamed as he saw what was outside. Indeed, there was another Clucky's Chicken restaurant on a city street.
"Preparing to fire lasers…" Zartan sighed.
"This is getting redundant," Destro sighed.
"Getting?" Crystal Ball quipped.
Cobra Base Number 15: Lichtenstein
"What a dump," Cobra Commander groaned as the Cobras inspected a charming little hostel. "It's not even worth blowing up."
"It's a nice place!" Mindbender snapped. "I grew up in this village!"
"Hang on," Cobra Commander did a double take. "You're from Lichtenstein?"
"You couldn't tell by my accent?" Mindbender frowned.
"Honestly…" Cobra Commander shrugged.
The door opened and a burly bald man with a finely trimmed white beard and mustache stepped out. He was wearing black pants and boots, a green coat but his chest was bare, revealing a well chiseled six pack. "Wilkommen…Vas? Hansel?"
"Uncle Hans!" Mindbender gasped.
"Hansel?" Both Cobra Commander and Destro asked in a very confused tone of voice. "Hansel?"
"I'm as surprised as you are," Crystal Ball remarked. He was being carried by Torch. "And I'm literally a crystal ball that can see into the future."
"Uncle!" Mindbender gasped as the two men embraced and spoke some quick German. Uncle Hans said something and went into the hostel. "He's going to get my cousins."
Everyone stared at him. "What?" Mindbender asked.
"Your real name is Hansel?" The Baroness asked.
"Well yes," Mindbender coughed. "My mother's name is Gretel and her twin brother was named Hansel. And she happened to marry a man named Hansel who was my father. What? It's a popular name in this town!"
"Dare I ask what your last name is?" Destro asked.
"Well," Mindbender scratched his head. "There's some confusion about that. Around these parts my family is simply known as the Verstands. But our family name is called Verstand-Biegen."
"Hang on," The Baroness realized something. "Verstand means mind. And Biegen means bend. Your name is literally Mind Bend?"
"Oh, that's where you get Mindbender!" Ripper realized.
"I always thought it was because you liked driving people insane with drugs and your machine and stuff," Monkeywrench remarked.
"Well I do," Mindbender said. "But that's not why I'm called Mindbender. It's the translation mostly. Technically that's not even my legal name. It was shortened for obvious reasons. My legal name is Hansel Viktor Abel Verstand-Biegen-Hass-Von-Frienden- Scteppen-Vossen-Baugen-Shruten-Spiergen-Ansten-Bunsen-Von Sclegilel-Scrappen. Esquire. The Third."
Everyone looked at Mindbender. "My grandparents had a lot of marriages and intermarriages…" Mindbender admitted. "And adoptions. Again, they kept the names for legal reasons. And a few inheritance clauses. And some minor insurance fraud. And some major illegal death benefits."
"I'm never going to remember that," Torch admitted.
"Even I'm going to have trouble remembering that!" Crystal Ball snapped. "And I've got instant replay on this thing!"
Uncle Hans came out with several other men who were similarly dressed and similarly bare chested. They all had different degrees of elaborate facial hair. Some with huge handlebar mustaches. And there were some women in simple white and green tops and short shorts.
"Uncle Hans!" Mindbender cheered as he hugged and greeted his family. "Aunt Gretel! Aunt Ottile! Cousin Hagen! Cousin Heinrich! Big Rolf! Little Rolf! Sweet Victoria! Kaspar! Katrine! Kilian! Koko! Hansel A! Hansel K! Hansel J! Little Brunhilda! Big Brunhilda! And the notorious Cousin Albert!"
"This is…" Xamot looked at Tomax.
"So weird," Tomax finished.
"Guys you won't believe it!" Mindbender said to the others as his family babbled in German. "This hostel is now owned by my family What are the odds?"
"Small world," Buzzer blinked.
"Bloody microscopic," Zartan remarked. "Hansel?"
"Well there is a family resemblance," Destro blinked. "I can't deny that."
"There's no point in blowing this place up," Cobra Commander grumbled as Mindbender talked to his family. "If Mindbender's relatives are anything like him, this place is already half wrecked. Come on!"
"Where are you going?" Mindbender noticed the group about to leave. "We just got here!"
"And we're going to leave," Cobra Commander snapped. "If you want to stay here forever, be my guest!"
Uncle Hans said something in German. "My Uncle Hans just invited you all to dinner," Mindbender said.
"Pass," Cobra Commander started to walk away.
"With plenty of beer and homemade schnapps to drink," Mindbender added.
"Then again," Cobra Commander did an about face. "Who are we to deny these lovely people's hospitality? And why shouldn't Mindbender have a little family reunion?"
"We all saw that coming," Zartan rolled his eyes. "But I have to admit I'm a little curious about Mindbender's family."
"Mindbender's family looks a little curious themselves," Zandar remarked.
"Oh yeah you people are ones to judge," Crystal Ball rolled his eyes.
Later that evening…
"I don't know what we just ate," Torch burped at the table. "But boy was it good!"
"It was one of the best meals I have eaten in a long time," Destro remarked as he wiped his mouth with a napkin. The Cobras were sitting with their hosts at a long wooden table in the lower level of the hostel. The table was still strewn with various good foods, pastry and lots of alcoholic beverages.
Cobra Commander used the straw in his helmet to sip some schnapps. "I have to admit this is some of the best schnapps I have tasted in years! It has a unique flavor. I can't place it, but it has a pleasing taste."
"Oh, that particular schnapps is made from casaba melon," Mindbender explained.
"Casaba melon?" The Baroness did a double take.
"Pretty much any fruit can be used to be made into schnapps," Mindbender explained.
"But casaba melon?" Zartan asked. "How is that possible?"
"We have grocery stores in Lichtenstein too, you know?" Mindbender snapped.
"I'm not knocking it," Cobra Commander finished his drink. "This has a nice kick."
"I gotta ask," Buzzer pointed to a row of skulls on a shelf. "What's with all those skulls on the shelves? The ones with all the names and numbers on them?"
"Oh, those are all my ancestors," Mindbender pointed. "You see here graveyards are rented. Not bought. Every ten years the family pays a bill. If nobody pays, they dig the body up and out it goes for a new tenant."
"What a charming little custom," Zartan winced.
"Makes me glad my body was completely atomized," Crystal Ball remarked. He had been placed on the table.
"Oh, our family could pay the bills," Mindbender admitted. "But we usually don't want to spend that much money on the dead. Our family just goes ahead and burn most of the body and saves the skulls. The names are who they are and the years they lived and died! See that's my Great Uncle Ludwig! He was born in 1887 and died in 1922."
"How did he die?" The Baroness asked, actually interested.
"An axe to the head," Mindbender explained. "My Great Aunt Louisa caught him having an affair with his twice removed cousin Claudette! There's Claudette right beside him! And there's the axe that killed them both right on the wall!"
"Fascinating," The Baroness blinked in shock.
"Cool," Ripper said as he looked at the axe. "You can still see some of the blood."
"That's not all Ludwig's and Claudette's," Mindbender explained. "Aunt Louisa killed a lot of people with that axe. Sadly, she's not here. They never found her body when she jumped off that cliff."
"Ludwig and Claudette don't seem too broken up about that," Crystal Ball quipped. "Oh, wait they were already…"
"That is my Great-Great-Great-Grandfather," Mindbender pointed to another part on the shelf. "He fought in the Prussian Wars!"
"I don't see a skull," Tomax remarked.
"Just some teeth," Xamot added.
"That's all that was left of him," Mindbender shrugged. "You see he worked with cannons and kind of forgot the rule about putting one's head in them…"
"I see," Cobra Commander drank some more schnapps.
"That is kind of an important rule," Ripper admitted.
Mindbender pointed to another skull. "This one is my Great Uncle Hansel. He was caught not only robbing graves but having an affair with the undertaker's wife! They hanged him! Oh, there's the noose on the wall."
"This explains a lot," Zartan was stunned.
Zarana groaned. "Cor blimey I thought our family was bonkers."
"Even when our family murders each other," Zandar whispered. "They have the good taste to hide the bodies."
"Speaking of good taste," Destro reached for some more schnapps. "I believe I will have more of this."
"I second the idea," The Baroness groaned as she and the other Cobras went to drink more alcohol.
"Just be careful," Mindbender said. "Our family schnapps is a bit strong. It can affect people."
"I think we can handle a little alcohol," Cobra Commander snorted.
"You handle a lot of alcohol," Destro remarked. "But I'm pretty sure a few extra sips won't affect the rest of us."
Twenty minutes later…
"Da! Da! Da! Da! Da! Da!" Destro, Zartan, Zandar, and the Crimson Twins were doing a drunken can-can right on the table.
"YA! YA! YA! YA!" The Baroness and Zarana were singing and drinking with the women of Mindbender's family.
The Dreadnoks were laughing and wrestling with Mindbender's cousins. Mindbender and one of his cousins were dancing. While Cobra Commander was drinking with Uncle Hans.
"I tell ya Hans," Cobra Commander said. "If I had known Lichtenstein was this much fun, I'd have invaded it years ago!"
Day Four
"Oh, my head…" Zartan groaned as he started to pilot the spaceship away. "I never should have drunk that fourth casaba melon schnapps."
"I feel fine," Mindbender remarked as the Cobras settled in their seats. "I haven't had a good time like that in years!"
"I tell you Mindbender," Cobra Commander walked onto the bridge of the spaceship wearing an antler headdress over his helmet. "Your relatives know how to party! I'll give them that!"
"They did give you the hospitality horns," Mindbender nodded.
"I'm not even going to ask…" Destro sighed.
"Shame we didn't give them anything," The Baroness admitted.
"I wouldn't say that…" Destro blinked. "I think I made out with your Cousin Koko."
The Baroness did a double take. "I made out with Cousin Koko!"
"Me too!" Zandar and Zarana said. They looked at each other.
"So, which is it?" Cobra Commander asked. "Is Koko a man or a frau?"
"Let's just say Koko and Tiffany have a lot in common," Mindbender coughed.
"I could sense that as we made out in the bathroom," Tiffany admitted.
"In other words, half of this room got felt up by a transsexual?" Cobra Commander remarked. "Yup. It was a Cobra party all right."
"Well I did give my female relatives some chocolate," Mindbender admitted. "I had to! I missed quite a few birthdays! And I used some of the gold we had."
"WHAT?" Cobra Commander barked. "You gave them some of our gold?"
"I got a few bottles of schnapps in return," Mindbender added. "Particularly the casaba melon."
"Money well spent," Cobra Commander amended. "You didn't give your relatives anything else, did you?"
"I gave them the cow," Mindbender admitted. "And a few of the other animals. What? We didn't need them anyway! The cow was eating some of the loot we got!"
"Not Chompers!" Monkeywrench gasped.
"BAAAHHH!" Chompers walked up to him.
"Oh, there you are," Monkeywrench remarked.
"Yeah I kept that and the blue chicken," Mindbender admitted. "All the others are gone. What? More room for real loot!"
"We already have enough animals to deal with," Destro pointed at the Dreadnoks.
"You have a point," Cobra Commander said. "Next!"
Interlude: Monaco.
"Commander we don't have any bases in Monaco," Destro remarked.
"I know that," Cobra Commander said. "I just want to hit the casinos."
"I didn't know you were a gambler," Mindbender remarked.
"I'm not," Cobra Commander took out his laser.
"Oh, you mean hit the casinos," Destro realized. "As in rob them!"
"Duh!" Cobra Commander said sarcastically. "COBRA! ATTACK!"
"Attack a casino while still being partially hung over," Zartan groaned as he flew the spaceship. "This will end well!"
"Just park over there!" Cobra Commander snapped as he pointed out the window. "We run in, smash and grab. Get in and get out! Got it?"
"Where do you want me to park?" Zartan blinked.
"There! There's a parking lot right there!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Drop the cloak and land right here!"
"But…" Zartan remarked.
"DO IT!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Okay…" Zartan did so.
CRUNCH! CREEEAAAAAAAAKK! CRUNCH! CRUNCH!
He parked the spaceship right on top of three very expensive limos. And a Rolls Royce.
The Cobras disembarked the spaceship. Cobra Commander noticed the flattened fancy cars. "All right. Remember where we parked. Cobra! ATTACK! ATTACK!"
"Here we go…" Zartan sighed as he readied his weapon.
"I am not getting paid enough for this," Zandar groaned.
"You're getting paid?" Torch asked.
"This is not a well thought out plan," Destro called out. "In fact the word stupid comes to mind."
"Just shut up and attack!" Cobra Commander ordered. "COBRA! ATTACK! ATTACK!"
Ten minutes later…
"RETREAT!" Cobra Commander screamed as he ran out of the casino, carrying only a bottle of champagne in one of his hands. "COBRA RETREAT!"
"I TOLD YOU THIS WAS A STUPID PLAN!" Destro shouted as he ran out with the other Cobras. Behind them a swarm of security officers fired on them with laser blasters of their own.
"SHUT UP AND RETREAT!" Cobra Commander screamed.
"AAAAAAAAAHHH!" Zandar screamed as he carried a small sack hastily made of a tablecloth.
"I just figured out why casinos in Monte Carlo aren't robbed that much like this!" Ripper groaned.
"TORCH GIVE US SOME BLOODY COVER!" Zartan ordered.
"Will do!" Torch whirled around and turned on his flamethrower. The security forces stepped back from the huge flames. Torch also managed to set fire to a few bushes as well as some cars.
"COME ON!" Zarana shouted.
"Aww," Torch pouted as he ran to the ship. "I was just starting to have fun!"
"You can have some more later!" Zartan barked. "GET IN!"
"GET US OUT OF HERE!" Cobra Commander shouted.
Soon the spaceship flew into the sky. "Cloaking device engaged," Mindbender called out. "Well that was a debacle."
"Did you expect anything else?" Crystal Ball asked. "I'm seriously asking!"
"Okay what did we get?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Let's see," Zandar dropped the loot on the table. "A tablecloth which I used for a sack. Nice quality. About a couple thousand in Euros. Someone's toupee. And a lot of chips and playing cards."
"That's it?" Cobra Commander was stunned. He showed them the champagne bottle. "This bottle of champagne is probably worth more than that!"
"Well maybe if you didn't stop at the bar?" Destro snapped. "We would have gotten more!"
"They had bottles of expensive champagne just lying out in the open!" Cobra Commander snapped. "What? I'm supposed to ignore that?"
"I got someone's car keys!" Tiffany showed them proudly.
"With our luck it's probably one of the ones Zartan crushed," The Baroness groaned.
"Okay so Monaco was a bust," Cobra Commander groaned.
"Hey we still got more than most people who go there," Tiffany said.
"She's not wrong," Ripper nodded.
Day Five
Cobra Base Number 17: Lisbon, Portugal.
"Why are we in Portugal?" Destro asked.
"Because I wanted to go to Portugal!" Cobra Commander snapped. "What? I have to have a reason for everything?"
"That certainly explains a lot of your plans over the years," Crystal Ball quipped.
"Besides," Cobra Commander waved. "Mindbender told me there are no damn chicken restaurants in Portugal. And only one building Mongoose Incorporated owns. And it's down the street from the first base."
"What is this base?" The Baroness asked. "An office? A storage facility?"
"It's a wine and salami shop," Cobra Commander told her.
"Of course, it has to do with alcohol," The Baroness sighed.
"That seems to be the theme of this entire trip," Destro added.
"Well that and the explosions," Torch added.
"All right," Cobra Commander looked at the layout. "We land the ship in the back. Rush in. Steal everything we can get our hands on. Then burn it to the ground! HA! HA! HA! HA!"
"You know this is your base right?" Crystal Ball asked. "Did you forget that?"
"Oh right," Cobra Commander blinked. "Okay forget about burning it to the ground. We'll just rush in and take everything we can."
Five minutes later…
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS STORE IS EMPTY?" Cobra Commander screamed at the store employee.
"Forgive me Cobra Commander," The store employee spoke with a Portuguese accent. "It's just well, your group leaders came here just a few days ago. We haven't had time to restock."
"What group leaders?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Vapor and Zero of course," The employee said. "They took everything and said they needed it for their new base."
"Well at least we know we're on the right track," Destro groaned. "Did they happen to say where the new base was?"
"Uh…." The employee coughed.
"You don't know," Cobra Commander said in a very calm voice. "Do you know what direction those idiots went?"
"No," The employee coughed again. "No idea. I'm fired, aren't I?"
"Like you wouldn't believe," Cobra Commander growled. "TORCH!"
Two minutes later the entire store was on fire. "AAAAAHHH!" The employee screamed as he ran into the street, his shirt was on fire.
"Well that was a big load of nothing!" Cobra Commander snapped as he folded his arms. The Cobras were outside the store.
"At least we know we're on the right track," Destro said. "They have to be somewhere in Europe. Maybe they're still in Portugal?"
"And maybe I could get…" Cobra Commander began when he heard some sounds. "What the hell is that?"
"It sounds like a party," Tiffany said. "A really big one."
"Let's check it out!" Ripper said. The Dreadnoks went to investigate.
"Oh, why not?" Cobra Commander said sarcastically. "Let's just drop everything and sightsee?"
"Isn't that what we've been basically doing this whole trip?" Zartan asked.
"He has a point Commander," The Baroness admitted.
"On his head!" Cobra Commander snapped. "But I might as well check it out. Maybe there's a bar down the street or something?"
They turned a corner and saw tons of people dressed in colorful costumes dancing around. "Is it Halloween already?" Mindbender asked.
"No," Tomax remarked.
"They're having a carnival in the city," Xamot realized.
"I thought Carnival was earlier in the year," Zartan asked.
"It is," Tomax said.
"This is a different celebration they made up to increase tourism," Xamot explained.
"Smart," The Baroness nodded.
"Huh," Cobra Commander realized. "So, we all blend in here?"
"Apparently," Destro remarked. "No one is batting an eye at us."
"Or taking a baseball bat to us," Zandar added.
"We might as well make the most of this," Destro suggested. "It's not often we can just go around in these outfits and nobody calls the authorities."
"We really should consider going incognito more often," Zandar added. "Just saying. We are kind of wanted by…Pretty much the entire planet of law enforcement."
"But partying here seems like fun," Mindbender said. "So why not take advantage of the situation?"
"I don't know…" Cobra Commander thought. "I don't really want to lose the track we have on Vapor and Zero."
"Hey Commander!" Torch called out. "They're giving free drinks out at this bar!"
"Then again who cares about those losers?" Cobra Commander shrugged. "What? We came here to get free drinks anyway! Might as well make the most of it! What's the worst that can happen?" He went to get his free drinks.
"This is going to end up like Brussels isn't it?" Zartan remarked.
"Most likely," Destro sighed. "Okay this time you go back to the ship. I need a drink." He went after Cobra Commander.
"Eh, I'll stay. What's the worst that can happen?" Zartan shrugged.
Twenty minutes later…
SMASH!
A burly man was thrown out of a bar window. "YEAHHHH!" Tiffany whooped. "That's a new personal record for me!"
"I think we broke another personal record," The Baroness groaned as she gave a roundhouse kick to a bar patron. "Not even twenty minutes until we get into a bar fight!"
The Cobras were fighting with several bar patrons. "What the hell did you idiots say to get them so angry?" Cobra Commander snapped as he broke a bottle over a man's head.
"Blame Mindbender!" Tomax shouted as he and his brother fought two men.
"He called these people Spanish!" Xamot shouted.
"No wonder these blokes got mad!" Torch groaned as he pulled out his flamethrower. "Even I know you can't do that!"
"I get confused! Sue Me!" Mindbender snapped as he punched another man.
"I'm working with bloody morons," Torch groaned. "Everyone duck!"
Everyone did as Torch set the bar on fire. Everyone screamed and fled. "It's a hot time in the old town tonight!" Torch whooped.
"AAAAAAAAHHH!" People screamed and fled for their lives.
Well most people screamed.
"HA! HA! HA!" Cobra Commander laughed as he fled the building. "That's funny! Hot time…Funny!"
"Hilarious!" Destro groaned as they ran off.
"Got into a brawl and set a bar on fire," Zartan groaned as he ran in the streets. "Well at least this wasn't so bad…"
Then he heard a smashing sound and the zapping of lasers. He turned and saw The Baroness running into a jewelry store. "Baroness! What the hell are you doing?"
"What does it look like?" The Baroness snapped as she grabbed expensive jewelry out of a smashed case. "If Cobra is going to get the blame I might as well grab some souvenirs!"
"She's not wrong," Tiffany said as she rushed into the jewelry shop. "Ooh! That necklace will look perfect for my outfit!"
"I got dibs on a ruby ring!" Zarana ran in to rob as well.
"Is there a nice men's gold chain in there?" Mindbender ran in. "Ooh! Wait I see one!"
"Cobra Commander can't you…" Zartan looked around. "Where's Cobra Commander?"
"We lost him?" Destro ran up to Zartan. "Quick! Let's leave him behind and rebuild our lives!"
Both laughed. "It's funny because it's true," Zartan admitted. "But seriously, where is he?"
Not that far away in the middle of a parade…
"SHAKE IT UP BABY NOW!" Cobra Commander sang as he danced on a colorful float. "TWIST AND SHOUT!"
"YEAH! CARNIVAL RULES!" Buzzer whooped as he drove the float.
"I've always wanted to steal a parade float," Monkeywrench sighed wistfully as he rode alongside Buzzer. "Ever since I first saw the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade."
"I didn't know they showed that in Australia?" Buzzer blinked. "I don't remember watching that as a kid."
"They don't," Monkeywrench said. "I first saw the parade when I came to the states in my twenties! On TV of course. In a jail cell."
"Me too!" Buzzer realized.
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"For crying out loud Torch!" Cobra Commander shouted. "Stop setting the other floats on fire! Not that I don't appreciate the help on making the float with me on it look the best. But come on!"
The sounds of police sirens were heard. "I know what that means," Cobra Commander called out. "STEP ON IT BUZZER!"
"Here we go!" Buzzer started to drive away. "WHOO HOO!"
Meanwhile…
"This is good pastry," Destro nibbled a cream filled delight. The Cobras had raided and scared away the owners of a nearby bakery and were enjoying some snacks.
"Pastry just tastes better when it's stolen," Mindbender ate some as well. He had several gold chains on and a few large rings.
"We are so getting these…" Xamot began as he and his brother loaded up several pastries in a box.
"Pasteis de nata to go," Tomax finished.
"Is that what these are called?" The Baroness asked. She was wearing some lovely jewelry and a tiara. "They're delicious!"
"I got a wedding cake!" Tiffany said proudly as she carried a large box. She was also wearing some sparkly jewelry and a tiara.
"Now all we need is to find Cobra Commander and the rest of my Dreadnoks," Zartan sighed as he ate some pastry.
"Why?" Destro asked. "I'm seriously asking."
The sounds of sirens were heard in the not too far distance. "That's why…" Zartan sighed.
"Oh, right…" Destro sighed.
Just then barreling down the street was a colorful float with a giant parrot on top as well as Cobra Commander and Torch hanging on for dear life. "AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Cobra Commander screamed.
CRASH! SMASH! CRASH!
"Oh, there he is," Destro sighed. "Come on Cobras. Let's rescue our fearless leader."
CRASH!
"There he is," Mindbender pointed. "He crashed that float into that store over there."
"Ugh…" Cobra Commander staggered out of a wrecked building with the Dreadnoks. "Where did you idiots learn to drive? A demolition derby?"
"Pretty much yeah," Buzzer admitted.
"Ask a stupid question…" Cobra Commander groaned as the other Cobras ran up to them.
"Well I've heard of bulls in china shops," Tomax began.
"But not a giant parrot in a downtown department store," Xamot finished.
"Shall we continue this conversation in the spaceship?" Destro suggested. "Before we get arrested?"
"Just set the building on fire!" Cobra Commander snapped. "That'll cover our tracks!"
"Already done," Torch pointed to a small fire already blazing in the store.
"Congratulations for thinking ahead Torch," Cobra Commander said. "Actually, congratulations for thinking period! Let's get out of here!"
Soon the Cobras were safely in the air in their cloaked spaceship. "I can't believe we got away…" Mindbender groaned.
"Really?" Monkeywrench asked. "Because that seems to be our specialty."
"Yeah we've only been doing it for a few decades!" Buzzer rolled his eyes.
"At least we got a good haul," Zarana remarked. "We got jewels and pastries."
"The important things in life," The Baroness remarked.
"I got a wedding cake," Tiffany showed him as she opened the large box.
"That does look good," Cobra Commander remarked. "I could go for some cake."
"Can I have the little figures on the top?" Torch asked.
"Knock yourself out," Cobra Commander handed them to him. "Seriously, please knock yourself out so I don't have to hear you speak."
"I suggest that we go to the next base on the list," Destro spoke.
"I agree. But before we go…" Cobra Commander said. "Where's that Mongoose Industries building again?"
"Right where you drove that float into," Mindbender pointed. "And set that building on fire."
"Oh, never mind," Cobra Commander said cheerfully. "NEXT!"
Cobra Base Number 18: Lisbon, Portugal. Again.
"This one is just on the other side of the city," Zartan remarked as he parked the spaceship near a huge warehouse by the ocean.
"Short commute," Ripper remarked.
"All right," Cobra Commander ordered. "Let's go check out our warehouse. Cobra! Advance!"
Ten minutes later…
"RETREAT! COBRA RETREAT!" Cobra Commander screamed as the Cobras fled for their lives back to the spaceship. They were being shot at by some very angry men with very big guns.
Crystal Ball had been left behind in the ship. He watched the Cobras run in. "GO! GO! GO!" Cobra Commander screamed. "GET US OUT OF HERE! UP INTO THE SKY OUT OF FIRING RANGE!"
"What do you think we're doing?" Mindbender snapped as he and Zartan worked the controls. "Directing a light opera?"
"What happened this time?" Crystal Ball asked.
"Apparently the Portuguese Mob has taken over our base," Destro groaned.
"NOT FOR LONG!" Cobra Commander snapped. "FIRE THE LASERS!"
ZAAAP! ZAPPP! ZAPP! ZAP!
"Scratch one former Cobra base," Torch remarked as the warehouse was destroyed. "And a Portuguese mob base. Two bases with three or four shots."
"NEXT!" Cobra Commander shouted.
Cobra Base Number 19: A vineyard near Vila Real, Portugal.
"There are vineyards in Portugal?" Cobra Commander shouted as he saw the vineyard from the window of the ship. "How come no one told me about this?"
"Of course, there are vineyards in Portugal," Destro remarked. "How do you not know this?"
"And you call yourself an alcoholic," Torch sniffed disdainfully. "Even I knew that!"
"Fine let's just go," Cobra Commander sighed. "Where is it?"
"Right there," Mindbender pointed. "Where that huge burned out building is."
"I sense a theme on this trip," Crystal Ball quipped.
"I sense your future!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Sold on E-Bay again!"
"Wait, why was there a fire?" Torch blinked. "We didn't do anything yet!"
"This does not bode well," Destro groaned.
Shortly after the Cobras landed Xamot and Tomax managed to find and interrogate the Cobra manager in charge of the winery. "Well?" Cobra Commander barked. "What happened?"
"This should be good," Crystal Ball quipped.
"It appears Vapor and Zero…" Tomax began.
"Were here along with the rest of the Cobras," Xamot finished.
"I was right," Crystal Ball quipped.
"Apparently they were here two days ago," Xamot sighed.
"And they took at least half of the alcohol," Tomax added.
"Figures," Cobra Commander groaned.
"Then the manager mentioned something about mold," Tomax went on. "So, Copperhead got some gasoline…"
"Stop!" Cobra Commander held up his hand. "Let me guess. There was a gas leak and some poor sap was sent to check for it? Am I right?"
"Yes," The Twins said as one.
"Okay fine…" Cobra Commander sighed. "Now I know what happened to the rest of the alcohol. And knowing is another reason to kill those idiots!"
Cobra Base Number 20: Braganca, Portugal.
"How many bases that are also bars does Cobra have?" Destro was stunned as the Cobras sat in a small well-lit bar.
"Knowing the Commander's alcoholism," The Baroness sighed as she picked at some tapas. "Not enough."
"I heard that!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"It's true though," Crystal Ball was on the table next to him.
"Still…" Cobra Commander waved as he sipped his drink through a straw in his helmet. "This is rather a charming little town. Even if those idiots Vapor and Zero aren't here. Now that I think about it, that adds to the charm."
"It wasn't always a little town," Xamot sniffed.
"Braganca was once a major city of great importance," Tomax said. "Highly prized for its geographical location…"
"Which was once essential for both trade and defense," Xamot added.
"Didn't you notice all the towers and ramparts and walls?" Zandar asked. "This place used to be a fortress!"
"So, it was a military instillation?" Destro asked. "Am I correct to assume there are cannons about somewhere?"
"Well I suppose," Xamot shrugged.
"Probably in the local museum," Tomax remarked. "Why?"
Destro sighed. "Do you recall the incident about fifteen years ago when we temporarily took over that fort in Arizona?"
"Fort Whatever Its Name Was?" Cobra Commander remarked. "Vaguely."
"Let me refresh your memory," Destro told him. "The Dreadnoks decided to play with the cannons and blew up half of the fort. Apparently Monkeywrench always carries with him some homemade gunpowder and he wanted to try it out."
"Yeah that's one of his hobbies," Zartan said as he took a drink.
"Then you remember about fourteen years ago the Dreadnoks did the very same thing," Destro went on. "Only this time they were at the Castle Ranalogacogh in Scotland. Which now no longer exists."
"Monkeywrench does love to experiment with explosives in any shape and form," Zartan said.
"Also, there was the incident about ten years ago," Destro added. "This time they found some old cannons stored away in that old abandoned foreign legion fort we were hiding out in."
"Until they blew it up," The Baroness groaned. "I had sand in my uniform for over a week thanks to that incident."
"What are you getting at Destro?" Cobra Commander asked. "I don't see…Wait a minute. Where are the Dreadnoks?"
"I don't see them…" The Baroness began. "You don't think…?"
"They wouldn't…" Zartan gasped.
"They would," Crystal Ball remarked.
"They couldn't…" Zarana said.
"They could," Destro sighed. "We all know they could."
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"They didn't…" Zartan groaned.
"I think we know that they did," Destro sighed.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"We're going to have to get the next round of drinks to go, aren't we?" Cobra Commander sighed.
"Afraid so," Destro sighed.
Twenty minutes back in the spaceship later…
"Oh well this is just great!" Cobra Commander snapped as he looked at the destruction below. Half the city's walls were destroyed and so was a tower. And there were several fires everywhere. "I actually liked this one!"
"Those walls withstood centuries of wars and conquest," Destro remarked. "But they couldn't handle half day with the Dreadnoks."
"I don't know what you did," Cobra Commander glared at the Dreadnoks. "And I don't want to know! The only thing I want to know is which one of you idiots I am going to kill first!"
The Dreadnoks all pointed to each other. "This is all your fault Zartan!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Me?" Zartan protested. "Destro is the one who noticed those idiots were gone!"
"Since when are the Dreadnoks my responsibility?" Destro countered.
"That's an excellent point," Cobra Commander glared at Zartan.
Zartan glared at the Dreadnoks. "You lot are so dead!"
"How come it was okay to blow up stuff in other cities but not this one?" Torch protested.
"YEAH!" Monkeywrench added.
"Did the Commander not say he liked this town?" Crystal Ball asked.
"No one asked you," Zartan snapped. "You defective Magic 8 Ball!"
"That's it," Cobra Commander groaned. "Zartan plot a course for that winery in France! I need a break!"
"So does your liver," Crystal Ball quipped.
"SHUT UP!" Cobra Commander screamed.