Beep Boop
"Another day, another base we lost!" Cobra Commander fumed. "Thanks to your collective incompetence!"
"Our incompetence?" Zartan bristled.
"This from the bloke sitting around getting soused all day," Monkeywrench snorted.
"Sass from the idiot who blew up an entire town!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Serpent God of the Netherworld save me from the morons on my payroll!"
"When do we get paid?" Torch asked.
"SHUT UP!" Cobra Commander screamed.
"Not all of have been causing chaos or lounging around drinking all week!" Destro snapped. "Some of us were working on tracking down our missing subordinates!"
"Admittedly with very little success," The Baroness sighed. "But at least we know where they aren't."
"Oh yes that's a huge help!" Cobra Commander said sarcastically.
"It actually is!" Destro protested. "Out of the 57 bases, we only have 32 left to check! Those idiots have to be in one of those bases!"
The Baroness spoke up. "You can cross off Poland and Bulgaria by the way. We checked those countries. You're welcome!"
"We also checked the base in Monserrat France," Destro sighed. "Which has been taken over by monks for at least a decade. Seriously, Crimson Twins! How could you two forget that you sold the place over a decade ago?"
Cobra Commander softened. "I apologize Destro. Baroness. You two were obviously on the ball."
"Someone had to be while the rest of you were off the wagon!" Destro snapped.
"Now, now there's no point taking out your anger on each other," Tomax remarked.
"When we can take it out on Vapor and Zero," Xamot added.
"If we can find them," Zandar groaned.
"We can find them. All we can do is wait until they put on another one of those Cobra Persona shows," Mindbender told him. "Then we can track the signal!"
"It figures," Cobra Commander sighed. "The one time we want those idiots to put on one of their stupid shows they stay quiet!"
The Baroness paused. "Far be it from me to question our usual logic…"
"But you're doing it anyway," Cobra Commander quipped.
The Baroness continued. "It just occurred to me we actually have a resource to locate our missing subordinates we're not using."
Monkeywrench was confused. "Chompers?"
"I'm talking about Crystal Ball, goat brains!" The Baroness snapped. "Why don't we use him to tell us where the others are?"
Destro blinked. "That's actually a good question."
Cobra Commander was stunned. "Of course! That idiot can finally pull his weight! Crystal Ball…" Cobra Commander looked around. "Where is he?"
"He's usually rolling around somewhere," Zarana looked around. "Whose turn was it to carry him again?"
"Not mine," Torch said.
"Not mine," Zandar said.
"Don't look at me," Tiffany shrugged.
"It was Zartan's," Buzzer pointed out. "Zartan where'd you put the bloke in the ball?"
"Uh oh," Zartan gulped.
"What do you mean by uh, oh?" Destro snapped.
"I may have left him behind," Zartan admitted.
"May have?" Cobra Commander shouted.
"I forgot it was my turn okay?" Zartan snapped.
"You left Crystal Ball behind," Cobra Commander advanced on him. "The one member of this team that's actually useful and you left him behind?"
"It does look like it," Zartan coughed.
Cobra Commander stood very still. "Zartan…I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" He pounced on Zartan and started beating him.
"AAAAHHH!" Zartan tried to get away, but couldn't.
"I'll say one thing for Chrome Dome," Ripper remarked. "He can really let loose and put the wallop on somebody when he gets a mind to."
"Yeah I mean," Torch agreed. "He don't normally go for fisticuffs. But when he's in the mood…Watch out!"
"AAAAAHHHH!"
"Destro," Zarana groaned. "Do something!"
"I am," Destro took out his phone and filmed the beating.
"Good idea," Ripper took out his phone and recorded the sight as well.
"This is so…" Xamot remarked as he and his twin also filmed the fight.
"Going on our website!" Tomax finished.
Zarana looked at her brother. "You're not upset at this at all?"
"Better him than us," Zandar shrugged as he filmed the spectacle.
"Good point," Zarana admitted. She took out her phone to film it.
The Baroness sighed. "As much as I'm enjoying Zartan's well deserved ass kicking, I feel this is counterproductive!"
Cobra Commander stopped. "You're right. I need to save my energy to beat up so many more people."
"Why don't we just go back to the vineyard and get Crystal Ball back?" Torch asked.
"That could be a problem," Destro sighed.
"What do you mean…?" Cobra Commander then realized what he meant. "Oh…"
Meanwhile back at the winery…
"Another day, another Cobra base shut down," Duke remarked as he gathered a small team of Joes in the living room of the winery.
Roadblock, Beach Head, Low Light, Flint and Lady Jaye were with him. "Am I the only one surprised that this latest base was a winery?" Lady Jaye asked. "What would Cobra need with a winery?"
"Based on reports and all the damage," Low Light remarked. "They were drinking everything they could get their hands on and partying. Probably celebrating all the trouble they've caused!"
"The damage they did in Greenland was bad enough," Roadblock nodded. "Then they had to do all that other stuff!"
"They've been running all over Europe causing havoc," Beach Head grumbled. "They stole the Little Mermaid statue and left it in Finland. Burned down a ton of chicken restaurants and other buildings. Crashed a parade and stole a float. Then crashed that float into a department store. Stole a wedding cake. Robbed a jewelry store. Set fire to a bird sanctuary and apparently a couple of vineyards. Created a huge mess of beer and chocolate in Brussels…"
"It sounds like one of Shipwreck's bar crawls," Low Light remarked. "Only his has a lot less arson."
"At least it was easy to track them down," Duke sighed. "But those snakes got away. How the hell did Cobra manage to create a spaceship with a cloaking device?"
"If I know Cobra," Shipwreck walked in. "They probably stole it."
"How would Cobra steal a spaceship?" Lady Jaye asked.
"I don't know but this is Cobra," Shipwreck shrugged. "Odds are they stole it."
"At least 70-30," Beach Head shrugged. "I told you people I saw a spaceship!"
"Not this again," Duke groaned.
"Even if you did see a spaceship Beach," Shipwreck said. "That doesn't necessarily mean that it was Cobra's spaceship!"
"Who else would use a spaceship?" Beach Head snapped. "The Quebec Separatist League?"
"If they did, they can't anymore," Lady Jaye said. "Reports are that more than half of that group got slaughtered by Cobra."
"Why would Cobra get into a fight with the Quebec Separatists?" Flint asked.
"Who doesn't get into a fight with Cobra?" Shipwreck quipped.
"He's right," Roadblock admitted. "They've been getting into quite a few fights."
"In addition to the Quebec Separatists," Beach Head counted. "They've gotten into a beef with the Mexican Cartels, the Columbian Cartels, pretty much every cartel in South America. The Portuguese Mafia, the regular Mafia, The International Association of Mimes, The International Shippers of Herring, The Audubon Society, PETA, the Poultry Association of America…"
"We get the picture…" Duke cut him off. "I guess getting into a fight with Quebec Separatists isn't that much of a stretch. How did that happen anyway?"
"According to the owners of the bar," Lady Jaye said. "Cobra just showed up around the same time they did. Tried to make a deal but it went south as soon as Cobra Commander tried to steal some toilet paper. Yes. You heard me. That's what happened. I checked. Twice!"
"Even Cobras gotta go," Low Light shrugged.
"I've always said Cobra Commander was Number Two in more ways than one," Shipwreck said. "But this is a new low even for me!"
"Cobra Commander sounds even more squirrely than usual," Duke was stunned. "The hijacking of the parade and crashing a float into a store. The destruction of chicken restaurants and bird sanctuaries. Stealing the Little Mermaid statue and causing a minor international incident by leaving it in Finland. Getting the Dreadnoks to destroy a tomato museum. Raiding a casino in Monaco and hanging out at the bar. Destroying several luxury cars owned by some European royalty…"
"It's almost exactly like some of the bar crawls I've had," Shipwreck was stunned. "Only you know? I don't have as much arson and explosions in mine."
"I just said that!" Low Light remarked.
"Yeah we were all thinking that," Duke admitted.
"As crazy as your little adventures are," Beach Head paused. "They are more creative. I'll give you that."
"He once taught a sheep to drive a truck!" Low Light pointed out. "With a stick shift! That's gotta be an accomplishment in itself."
"The hard part was getting him ready to pass his driver's test," Shipwreck admitted.
"We need to stop Cobra before they do some real damage," Flint frowned.
"Airtight thinks he's found something that will help us track Cobra," Lady Jaye said.
"At this point I'm willing to try anything," Duke sighed.
"I think we've found something!" Airtight said as he brought in a familiar looking object. "We may have the key to stopping those snakes once and for all!"
"Good," Duke looked at the object Airtight brought him. "What the heck is this thing?"
"I am a computer," Crystal Ball gulped. "Which has a lot of Cobra secrets. Beep boop."