Chompers: The Goat Of Terror
"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
"DREADNOKS!" Cobra Commander screamed as he looked at the sight in his study. Broken bottles everywhere. Half eaten papers. And Chompers standing on his desk eating everything in sight.
"Oh great…" Zartan walked in with Destro, Monkeywrench, Torch, Buzzer, and Ripper.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" Cobra Commander pointed to his ruined office.
"BAHHHH!"
"It appears the Dreadnok's pet has desecrated your office," Destro paused. "As well as defecated in it."
"Yeah Chompers had a pretty big night," Monkeywrench admitted.
"It may have been his last," Cobra Commander growled.
"My apologies Cobra Commander," Zartan gulped.
"You should be sorry! That damn thing should be on a leash!" Cobra Commander yelled.
Destro drawled. "To be fair we let Monkeywrench and the rest of the Dreadnoks run around without a leash."
"Sorry Commander," Monkeywrench said. "We kind of had a party for Chompers that got a bit out of hand."
"More like out of hoof," Destro quipped.
"A party for a goat?" Cobra Commander was stunned. "Why?"
"Remember how I got Chompers a girlfriend?" Monkeywrench asked.
"No," Cobra Commander said.
"Well she ran off with a deer!" Monkeywrench went on.
"You mean a stag," Destro said.
"No, an actual deer!" Monkeywrench said. "A female deer."
"Doe," Destro said.
"What?" Monkeywrench asked.
"A female deer is called a doe," Destro explained.
"Doe's a deer? A female deer?" Monkeywrench asked.
"Ray! A drop of golden suuuuunnnn!" Buzzer sang. Everyone looked at him. "Sorry. Couldn't resist."
"Anyway…" Monkeywrench went on. "Chompers was feeling a bit blue so we decided to have a little party."
"That explains the mess in the garage," Destro sighed. "And the kitchen. And the study…"
"Did you know Chompers has a real taste for literature?" Buzzer asked. "He was eating all those French philosopher books like they were candy!"
"That explains the mess on my floor," Cobra Commander groaned.
"Obviously Zartan will clean that up, Cobra Commander," Destro said smoothly.
"ME? Why me?" Zartan protested.
"Because cleaning up after the Dreadnoks and their messes is basically your job!" Destro snapped.
"He has a point," Cobra Commander folded his arms.
"DREADNOKS!" Mindbender stormed in. "I have a bone to pick with you!"
"They can have a snack later," Cobra Commander quipped. "We have bigger problems."
"Speaking of which," Destro noticed something. "Is it me or is that goat getting bigger?"
"Possibly!" Mindbender snapped. "Depending on what it ate from my lab!"
"What?" Destro asked.
"Are you sure it was Chompers?" Monkeywrench asked.
"Well let's see," Mindbender said sarcastically. "There are half eaten papers and items with goat teeth marks on them. Goat hairs and hoof prints on the floor. My lab smells like a barn. And there is goat excrement on the floor. Who else could have done it?"
Torch spoke up. "Okay now I know our first instinct is to blame Charlie Sheen…"
"Are you sure it was goat poop?" Monkeywrench challenged.
"I grew up on a farm and helped tend to my uncle's goats!" Mindbender snapped. "I know the smell and signs of goats when I see them! And this is just like what happened when my uncle let out the goats into my Aunt's kitchen all over again! Only my aunt didn't have experimental materials as well as explosives! Those she wisely kept in the cupboard in her bedroom."
"Wait, what do you mean by explosives?" Destro asked. "And experimental materials?"
"Am I speaking German now?" Mindbender snapped. "I was combining the research and materials from the experiments we liberated from Hydra with some of my experiments. One of which was the growth formula we once used on the giant plants! As well as several different kinds of explosives!"
"What does that have to do with Chompers?" Monkeywrench asked.
"Am I speaking German?" Mindbender shouted. "I'm seriously asking because you lot don't seem to comprehend anything I am saying!"
"To be fair the Dreadnoks barely comprehend what people say in English," Zartan sighed.
"You mean this damn thing could explode?" Destro pointed to the goat. "As well as grow to an unusual size?"
"Bingo," Mindbender quipped. "Which is German for Bingo!"
"GET RID OF THAT GOAT BEFORE I EXPLODE!" Cobra Commander shouted.
"Too late," Torch quipped.
"I want you idiots to get rid of that goat!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Before it gets rid of us!"
"Awww…" Monkeywrench pouted. "But he's my best mate!"
"I don't care!" Cobra Commander snapped. "He's going to be the main course of dinner if you don't!"
"Or target practice," Destro added. "Wait…No, that might not be a good idea."
"Especially if it got into the nitroglycerin," Mindbender remarked.
"I'll make sure they get rid of the goat," Zartan sighed.
"You'd better!" Cobra Commander snarled. "And then come back here and clean my office! Which is now Destro's office!"
"What?" Destro shouted. "Why are you taking my office?"
"Because this one now smells of goat!" Cobra Commander snapped as he went to his desk. "Let me just get some essential files."
"And by that I take it you mean some bottles of alcohol?" Destro sighed.
Cobra Commander went around his desk. "Well not anymore! The damn thing drank it all! How the hell did a goat get into a drawer?"
"BAAAAHHHH!"
"Chompers is very intelligent," Monkeywrench said proudly.
"Ironically more than his owner," Zartan groaned.
"BAAHHH!"
"Oh bahh on this you stupid…" Cobra Commander made a step forward with his fist.
SQUISH!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Cobra Commander screamed. "I STEPPED IN GOAT…"
"LET'S GO!" Zartan shouted to the Dreadnoks. "NOW!"
"Come on Chompers!" Monkeywrench called to the goat who wisely leapt off the desk and followed him out.
"I WANT THAT THING GONE!" Cobra Commander screamed. "MEN WILL SUFFER FOR THIS!"
"We probably will," Destro groaned under his breath.
Meanwhile the Dreadnoks were running down the hallway. "Way to go idiots!" Zartan hissed. "Cobra Commander is really steamed this time!"
"Because he stepped in a pile of steaming…" Torch smirked.
"Not now Torch!" Zartan snapped. "We have to get rid of this goat! Before Cobra Commander decides to get rid of us!"
"We'll bring him to Switzerland," Buzzer said. "There's tons of lady goats in Switzerland."
"Yeah just take the spaceship," Torch nodded.
"That would be a good place for Chompers to go on the rebound," Monkeywrench nodded.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Cobra Commander was screaming. "I DID IT AGAIN!"
"Also, a good place for us to lie low for a few hours," Zartan groaned.
Switzerland…The Swiss Alps.
"Okay," Zartan said as he landed the spaceship. "Here we are. A nice little field of grass among the Swiss Alps. And there are some lovely goats over there for Chompers to enjoy his retirement."
"Yeah and none too soon," Tiffany remarked. She pointed behind her.
"What do you…?" Zartan asked as he turned around. "Ahhh!"
Chompers was now the size of a horse. "I think he definitely got into the growth formula," Torch remarked.
"No, ya think?" Zartan said sarcastically.
"We'd better get him out now!" Buzzer said. "Or else he won't fit through the door!"
"Monkeywrench!" Zartan snapped.
"Fine! Come on Chompers!" Monkeywrench sniffed as he led Chompers out by a leash.
"What does he see in that goat?" Tiffany asked.
"Probably because it doesn't mind his smell," Buzzer remarked.
"You lot are ones to talk," Zartan groaned.
Monkeywrench was outside and took off the leash. "All right old mate," He sniffed as he petted the goat. "We had some laughs, didn't we? Yeah, we did. I hope you like retirement mate. Now go on, get outta here before I…"
"BAAAHHH!" Chompers saw something and ran off.
"Well that's a fine how do you do!" Monkeywrench grumbled as he stomped back into the ship. "Typical! You pour your heart out to a goat and all it wants to do is graze with some lady goats!"
"Does," Zartan sighed.
"D'oh! Is right!" Monkeywrench grumbled. "Man, Homer Simpson really knows about life, don't he?"
"No, idiot," Zartan snapped. "A female goat is called a doe."
"I thought that was a female deer?" Ripper asked.
"That too," Zartan sighed. "A female goat and a female deer are known as does. Sometimes a female goat is known as a nanny."
"I had a nanny that was a goat," Torch spoke up.
"That I believe," Tiffany remarked.
"That I don't!" Buzzer pointed. "And I'm seeing it with my own peepers!"
Chompers the goat was not only grazing with gusto; he was growing as he was grazing. "Cor! He's growing like a bloody weed!" Ripper whistled. "While he's eating those large weeds."
"Those are small trees," Tiffany pointed out.
"Oh yeah," Ripper realized. "So they are."
"Oh my," Zartan blinked. "This could be problematic."
Chompers kept eating and kept growing. "So, the more Chompers eats the more he grows?" Torch asked. "Now we know!"
"And knowing is a good reason to never tell anyone about this," Zartan gulped.
"Agreed," All the other Dreadnoks said as one.
"Especially Cobra Commander," Torch nodded.
"You have grasped the situation perfectly Torch," Zartan groaned as he worked the controls of the spaceship.
"He's still mad about his office," Torch said. "Which is now Destro's office. Which you have to clean!"
"Wanna bet?" Zartan snapped as they flew away.
Meanwhile Chompers grew even bigger. "BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"
About an hour later the Dreadnoks casually walked into Cobra's meeting room. The other Cobras were there. "Well we're back," Zartan said.
"I take it your mission was a success?" Cobra Commander asked in an unusually calm tone.
"Oh yeah we got rid of Chompers," Buzzer said calmly as the Dreadnoks sat down.
"Left him in a field full of happy goats," Ripper added.
"Wayyyyyy out in the middle of nowhere," Torch nodded. "Where nobody can find him."
"Really?" Destro asked casually. "No problems?"
"No, not really," Zartan shook his head. "I didn't see any problems. Did you see any problems Torch?"
"Nope," Torch shook his head. "No problems at all. Did you see any problems Ripper?"
"Not a single thing," Ripper said. "Tiffany did you see a problem?"
"No, I did not," Tiffany agreed. "Buzzer...?"
"Nope," Buzzer said. "I…"
"OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!" Cobra Commander shouted. "Cut the comedy act Marx Morons! We know about the giant goat!"
"How?" Zartan did a double take.
"Oh, I'm so glad you asked," Cobra Commander said in a fake cheerful voice. "Destro…"
Destro turned on a huge monitor. "This was posted on Me Tube not even a half hour ago!"
The scene was a Swiss ski resort full of skiers and tourists. A picturesque scene. Then…
"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
Chompers, now at least forty stories tall appeared over the mountainside, freaking out skiers. Especially when his bleating and huge hooves caused several avalanches. And the fact the goat was eating large trees didn't help matters.
"How the hell is there video of this?" Zartan asked. "We set him loose way in the Alps as far away from civilization as we could possibly get! How did Chompers get on the Internet so fast?"
"Uh there's this new thing called camera phones?" The Baroness said sarcastically. "Crazy but apparently a lot of people have them and get this…Are able to connect to the Internet using this thing called Wi-fi which almost everywhere has now. Can you believe it?"
"You said to get rid of Chompers!" Zartan protested.
"I meant kill it!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Take it off base and kill it!"
"Well that wasn't very clear," Zartan gulped.
"You said to get it off your base and get rid of it," Torch added. "That is open to interpretation."
"Fine! Next time I'll make sure I use the K word!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"This video is one of my favorites," The Baroness pointed to the next scene.
"What is going on there?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Apparently Jennifer Lopez was shooting footage for a new music video," Destro remarked.
"Oh, that explains why people are dancing in the snow…" Monkeywrench remarked.
"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
"Chompers just trampled on one of her backup dancers," The Baroness remarked. "And it barely trampled Ms. Lopez."
"J-Lo is not going to be happy about that," Torch gulped.
"Okay I know this looks bad," Mindbender spoke up.
"Good that you know that," Destro said sarcastically.
"But we must look on the bright side," Mindbender went on. "I mean, we are in the terrorist business."
"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
"And a giant goat causing avalanches, stomping on people and destroying a Swiss resort is technically terrorism," Mindbender remarked.
"It is a step up from the giant vegetables I must admit," The Baroness shrugged.
"I'll take it," Cobra Commander sighed. "Fine. Zartan and the Dreadnoks you get to live."
"And clean what is now my office!" Destro snapped.
"I wouldn't hold my breath on that happening," The Baroness groaned.
"I can't hold my breath!" Destro snapped. "Due to the smell! That's the point!"
"I think we have bigger problems," Xamot spoke up.
"Like how we are going to get the credit for this," Tomax added.
"If we really want to that is," Xamot groaned.
"We're known for mutating giant vegetables," The Baroness snapped. "This will not be that hard for people to figure out."
"Besides I'm on it," Mindbender was using his phone. "I've already added to my Villain Vibe account. Hey losers, Mindbender asking how do you like the giant goat of terror I made for Cobra?"
"Villain Vibe?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Oh, you gotta get on," Mindbender said. "All the major mad scientists and super villain organizations have an account."
"Like Face Book for villains?" Destro asked.
"Exactly," Mindbender nodded. "And of course, you know sooner or later some goody-goody from some do-gooding agency will hack in and read the posts. And before you know it, Cobra has made the evening news!"
"Are you telling me villains purposely use this account knowing good guys will read it?" Cobra Commander asked.
"And news organizations," Mindbender said proudly. "I used it to brag how we kicked Hydra's teeth in. Ooh! We already got a Grumble!"
"A what?" Zartan asked.
"Like a like on Face Book," Mindbender explained. "Only you know? Villains. A Grumble indicates other villains know about it and are talking about it. Ooh! This is from some Italian Mob boss. My Italian is a little rusty. What does vendetta mean again?"
"It means vendetta!" Torch snapped. "As in revenge! As in I'm going to kill you people!"
"Even Torch knew that one," Ripper said.
"It was on the Simpsons!" Torch said proudly. "I think…"
"I'm guessing this mob boss was a backer of the ski resort?" Destro sighed.
"You guess correctly," Mindbender nodded.
Cobra Commander sighed. "I'll still take it. Might as well make lemonade out of this fiasco."
"More like goat-ade," Torch said. Everyone looked at him. "What?"
The following day in the conference room…
"Okay everyone I guess you know why we're here," Cobra Commander addressed his staff. "And for the Dreadnoks among us I'll explain it anyway. We're here to discuss the goat situation. AKA Operation Chompers."
"That's what we're calling it?" Zarana asked.
"It's his bloody name!" Monkeywrench snapped.
"Where's the damn thing now?" Destro asked.
"It's now running amok in Vienna," Tomax explained.
"Eating the public gardens," Xamot added as he turned on the monitors. "Observe."
"BAAAHHHH!"
"Wow," Cobra Commander was impressed. "That's going to take the gardeners years to fix!"
"As well as all the holes in the roads he's leaving with his giant hoof prints," The Baroness added.
"BAAAHHH!"
"As you can see…" Xamot pointed out. "Chompers has trashed the marketplaces…"
"As well as made a mess on the Austrian Parliament building," Tomax wrinkled his nose.
"HAH!" Cobra Commander laughed. "It's funny when it happens to someone other than you!"
"And ironically poetic," Zartan added.
"That reminds me," The Baroness spoke up. "Zartan still has to clean up Destro's new office."
"Thank you, Baroness…" Zartan growled.
"It's not my office!" Destro snapped. "I decided to move into a different empty room down the hall."
"That explains why you haven't been complaining about us not cleaning it then," Torch realized.
"I just figured it was easier and faster than waiting for you lot to clean it," Destro grumbled.
"Easy for you!" Tomax snapped.
Xamot added. "Your new office isn't near to the smell!"
"Well I'm not cleaning up the mess Zartan's idiot Dreadnoks made!" Destro snapped.
"I didn't want them to have the stupid goat in the first place!" Zartan snapped. "You lot clean up the mess!"
"Hey!" Ripper shouted. "Chompers was Monkeywrench's goat! He should clean it up!"
"Since when has Monkeywrench ever cleaned anything in his life?" Zarana snorted.
"Woman has a point," Monkeywrench admitted.
"No one is going to clean up the mess…" Xamot sighed.
"Are they?" Tomax finished.
"Oh, just get a couple of grunts to do it!" Cobra Commander waved. "I don't care."
"You found the rare scotch in my office, didn't you?" Destro groaned.
"It was in a hidden compartment behind the bookcase," Cobra Commander said. "Of course, I'd find it in there!"
"You're like an alcoholic bloodhound, aren't you?" Destro snapped.
"Hiding it behind a hidden compartment behind a bookcase is one of the oldest tricks in the world!" Cobra Commander snapped. "It's practically a cliché!"
"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
"Just so I'm clear," Firefly spoke up. "Our plan in its entirety is to just let the giant goat run amok and terrorize the world and do nothing?"
"Pretty much," The Baroness said.
"It does have a certain elegance in it's simplicity," Cobra Commander admitted.
"BAAAHHHHH!"
"It's eating one of the public busses!" Ripper gasped. "Like it was a tin can!"
"Good thing the passengers got out," Tiffany remarked.
"AAAAHHH!"
"Well most of them," Tiffany shrugged.
"You know sometimes the greatest things in the world are the results of accidents," Cobra Commander said cheerfully.
"Speaking of which," Firefly spoke up. "We had two more yesterday. A couple of our men ignored the no rides rule and tried a different roller coaster. At least ten guys are in the hospital now."
"We should put up a sign or something," Zarana remarked.
The Baroness and Destro spoke as one. "Not it!"
"What is this? Grade school?" Zartan snapped.
"Not it!" Zandar and Zarana said at the same time.
"Not it," Firefly said along with Xamot and Tomax.
"Not it!" Mindbender called out along with Blood Wing.
"And I'm definitely not it!" Cobra Commander added. "So that leaves…"
"NOT IT!" All the other Dreadnoks called out.
"Oh, come on!" Zartan shouted.
"The motion has passed," Cobra Commander said. "Zartan makes the signs. If there isn't any new business, I call this meeting adjourned. To the bar! I want to watch the chaos Goat-Zilla makes in a more comfortable setting."
"Well there were a few other things I wanted to talk about…" Firefly began but most of the Cobras were leaving the room. "About recruitment…Replacing ammunition…General logistics…"
No one paid him any attention. "Or we could just blow the whole thing and go to a bar?" Firefly said sarcastically.
Zartan spoke up. "You could always help me in painting the signs."
Firefly got up. "Then again watching Chompers terrorize Vienna is technically intelligence gathering."
"You mean you have intelligence enough to get out of menial work," Zartan groaned.
"Bingo," Firefly added. "Don't forget you have to write some of those signs in English and French."
"Oh, I can use some French to describe you people…" Zartan growled.
The following day…
"Well yesterday was rather productive," Cobra Commander said cheerfully to his staff in the conference room. "Chompers wrecked Vienna. Trashed a couple of small towns. Desecrated a few government buildings…"
"By defecating on them," The Baroness groaned.
"Very appropriate," Cobra Commander shrugged. "So where is Chompers now?"
"He has crossed over into the country of Slovenia," Destro said as he turned on the monitor.
"Ooh! Good! Let him trash another country!" Monkeywrench grinned. "Wait a minute…What's going on?"
"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Chompers was flailing his hooves and fighting against several tanks and jets all around him.
"I recognize the insignia," Destro sighed. "It appears GI Joe has arrived to save the day!"
"And apparently the Avengers are assisting," The Baroness pointed. "That's the Quinjet!"
"Chompers is fighting both the Joes and the Avengers?" Torch whistled. "Cor! That's one big bad goat!"
"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
"HULK SMASH!"
"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
CRASH!
"Oooh!" Monkeywrench grinned. "Chompers just head butted the Hulk through a building! Way to go Chompers!"
"You do the Dreadnoks proud mate!" Buzzer added.
"Go Goat Go!" Torch whooped.
VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOM!
Two missiles shot out of the Avenger's jet. Only to be swallowed by Chompers. "BAAHHHHH!"
"Oh yeah!" Monkeywrench whooped. "Chompers just swallowed those missiles whole without a beat! THAT'S MY GOAT!"
"Uh oh," Mindbender blinked. "Shouldn't have done that. Bad move Chompers."
"What? Why?" Monkeywrench asked.
"Well…" Mindbender sighed. "A very similar situation happened with my uncle's favorite goat. She swallowed some fireworks and…"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"That happened," Mindbender pointed as chunks of giant goat rained down on the entire city.
"CHOMPERS!" Monkeywrench gasped. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"I know," Mindbender sighed. "My uncle really loved that goat. On the upside it was already cooked from the inside so it was rather tasty. If you didn't mind the taste of gunpowder. But that gave the meat a nice flavor so…"
"At least the people of Ljubljana will have free goat meat for a while," Buzzer shrugged.
"How did you know that's the capital of Slovenia?" Destro was stunned.
"Oh, I spent two weeks in summer there doing an exchange program when I was at Cambridge," Buzzer waved. "Good times."
"Wait, Cambridge as in the college?" The Baroness did a double take. "Was it some kind of janitor swap or…?"
"I was kind of a don there," Buzzer admitted. "A long time ago. Funny story."
"You were a Don?" Torch asked. "Colleges have their own mob gangs?"
"Have you seen the tuition at colleges nowadays?" Ripper asked. "The entire education system is a racket!"
"That is a lot of goat meat," Cobra Commander remarked. "I mean it's covering everything!"
"That explosion was even bigger than I thought it would have been," The Baroness remarked. "It even took out four blocks!"
"It just leveled several buildings like they were nothing…" Zandar was impressed.
"Definitely got into the nitroglycerin," Mindbender nodded.
"Wow," Zartan remarked. "I would not want to be the person who has to clean up that mess."
"You don't even clean up your own messes," Destro looked at him.
"Poor Chompers," Monkeywrench sniffed.
"He went out like a bad ass, Wrench," Torch patted him on the back. "A true Dreadnok if there ever was one."
"So, to recap," Destro mused. "We're responsible for mutating a giant goat that destroyed several historical landmarks and trashed three different countries."
"Four," The Baroness sighed as she looked at her pad. "Parts of the goat landed in Croatia. Apparently one of the horns crashed through a town hall in a small city on the border."
"Anybody else in the mood for kabobs?" Tomax asked.
"I am!" Xamot said.
"I could eat," Cobra Commander shrugged. "I mean we did have a busy day terrorizing the world."
"You mean Chompers terrorized the world," Monkeywrench snapped. "You just sat on your duff and did squat!"
"It's called management," Cobra Commander told him.
"I got back into the terrorism game for this?" Firefly groaned.