Arrivederci Cobra
"Let's get this waste of time started," Zartan grumbled as the Cobra High Command entered into the conference room. "The sooner we finish this, the sooner we can do something more productive."
"And by more productive you mean go to a bar?" The Baroness asked as they all sat down.
"That is one definition," Zartan shrugged.
"I think the Commander's alcoholism is contagious," The Baroness rolled her eyes.
"Let's just start this meeting," Destro advised. "You have the floor Commander."
Cobra Commander sighed. "It's been four days since the Operation Chompers came to shall we say, an abrupt end?"
"He got blown up into chunks they're still cleaning off of the street!" Monkeywrench groaned.
"Again, went out like a true Dreadnok," Torch shrugged.
"I have always imagined you lot dying on the street," The Baroness remarked. "Or in the gutter. Or an alley behind a bar…"
"Any-who," Cobra Commander interrupted. "This meeting is to review our latest efforts to reclaim our bases and spread terror while gaining more financial wealth and all that. Destro you go ahead and recap the past few days."
"First of all, I assume you all heard the news about the Slovenian Accords," Destro sighed. "Which was signed and put into law within an hour."
"Slovenian Accords?" Torch asked. "What's that?"
"Apparently not everyone heard the news," The Baroness sighed. "No surprises there."
"Basically, most of the countries of the world signed an agreement stating they wouldn't mutate and use giant goats as weapons," Destro said. "As well as any other giant animal. Or vegetable."
Cobra Commander said proudly. "You know you've made an impact on the world when the United Nations signs a declaration against what you've done."
"Most people wouldn't take that in a good way," Destro sighed.
"Most people aren't us!" Mindbender said proudly.
"Truer words were never spoken," Destro sighed. "Now I'd like to go to Item Two of the meeting…"
"You're an Item Two of the meeting," Zartan grumbled.
"That's Number Two, Zartan," Torch corrected.
"Thank you, Torch," Zartan glared at him.
Torch didn't get the sarcasm. "You're welcome. It's okay. I get confused myself a lot."
"Understatement of the year," Destro sighed. "As I was trying to say our next topic should be on recruitment and personnel."
"Why?" Cobra Commander asked. "Don't we have 314 soldiers?"
"We had 314 soldiers," Firefly remarked. "But our numbers have severely depleted since then."
"How severely?" Cobra Commander asked. "How many do we have left?"
"Not counting the people in this room…" Firefly looked at the computer pad in his hands. "The total number of soldiers we have left is twelve."
"TWELVE?" Cobra Commander gasped. "How is that possible?"
"Oh, I'm so glad you asked," Firefly remarked. "For starters Zartan never put up any of those do not go on the ride signs he said he would."
"Did you really think I would?" Zartan asked.
"That is a legitimate question," Buzzer nodded.
"Basically, we lost about fifteen soldiers due to a combination of shoddy ride maintenance," Firefly went on. "And reckless behavior."
"Not to mention absolute stupidity," Destro grumbled. "I'm amazed none of the Dreadnoks rode the rides."
"That's because we were selling the tickets," Monkeywrench said proudly. "We figured we'd make more money that way."
"You figured that out all by yourselves?" Zarana asked.
"Mostly Tiffany," Ripper pointed.
"It was a good racket," Tiffany admitted. "Our main problem was getting repeat customers."
"We lost fifteen people to the rides," Cobra Commander said. "And by lost you mean…?"
"Dead," Firefly added.
"That was the problem with getting repeat customers," Tiffany added.
"That still leaves us with 299 soldiers," Zartan said.
"Uh not quite," Mindbender coughed. "There was an incident in my lab the other day…"
FLASHBACK!
"BLOOOP! BLOOP! BLOOP!"
A medium sized Eddie Junior rampaged through the lab.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" A soldier was captured by the giant blob and absorbed into it.
"Damn it!" Mindbender grumbled as he held a taser like stick. A few other soldiers were behind him holding similar weapons. "Still can't get that formula exactly right! Okay everyone turn up your Amp Sticks to 11. This is going to get messy. And try not to get eaten."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
"I said try, Steve!" Mindbender shouted.
FLASHFORWARD!
"We lost three men due to that…incident," Mindbender admitted. "But on the upside, I got rid of a lot of expired chemicals and obsolete lab equipment."
"Is that what that explosion was the other day?" The Baroness asked.
"Yes," Mindbender admitted. "There's still a bit of a mess. That's why I moved to the other lab. You know? With all the goo. And a few body parts…"
"Three men is actually pretty low for you," Cobra Commander remarked. "That only leaves us with 296."
"We had 296," Destro snapped. "Have you forgot the complete and total debacle that was Italy just two days ago?"
"Starting with Venice," The Baroness groaned. "And the five incompetent idiot soldiers we left there to check out the base. That just happened to be in the dam system that surrounded the city."
"A damn system?" Torch was confused.
"Not damn," Zarana told him. "Dam!"
FLASHBACK!
Cobra Base 36: Venice, Italy.
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
One of the dams outside of Venice exploded. Water started flooding into the city.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Oh dam," Torch realized. "As in the structure that holds water. Okay I get it now."
"Apparently our troops got it when those idiots not only flooded the base," Destro groaned. "But half of Venice."
"Look I agree that was a mess," Cobra Commander pointed out. "But it still counts as terrorism. And we get the credit, right?"
"I'm pretty sure they will figure it out when they fish out the corpses, yes," Destro sighed.
"Then technically that part was a success," Cobra Commander shrugged. "And we only lost five men on that so…"
"We lost more than five men in Italy!" Destro snapped. "Remember we sent several groups at the same time to check out all those bases?"
"Using the spaceship and some of our jets and helicopters to travel as recon," Cobra Commander added. "Yes, Destro I remember."
"And do you remember what happened when we sent five more men to check out that abandoned base off the coast of Bari?" Destro barked.
"Honestly no," Cobra Commander asked. "I didn't get any memos on that mission. What happened?"
"Well…" Firefly sighed.
FLASHBACK!
Cobra Base 37: Bari, Italy.
A Cobra Helicopter was flying around a well-fortified Italian mansion. "This is Viper 4 to base," The viper in command spoke. "It appears that our former base is currently occupied by the local mob. We are firing on them and expect to…OH MY GOD!"
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
The helicopter exploded as the surface to air missile hit it. On the ground there were several Italian men surrounding a small rocket launcher.
"See Matteo?" One said to another in Italian. "I told you this surface to air missile system would pay for itself."
FLASHFORWARD!
"Oh," Cobra Commander paused. "I see why I didn't get any memos."
"The mob has surface to air missiles?" Ripper asked.
"Apparently," Destro sighed.
"Cor blimey," Buzzer whistled. "Good thing us Dreadnoks were assigned to Naples."
"Not so good for Naples," The Baroness groaned.
FLASHBACK!
Cobra Base 38: Naples, Italy
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
A warehouse exploded behind the Dreadnoks as they tore out of the vicinity on their motorcycles. "AND THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE DREADNOKS BITCHES!" Tiffany whooped.
"Boy those mob guys sure didn't know what hit them," Torch laughed.
"Hey how about we drive around town terrorizing people?" Buzzer asked.
"Why not?" Zartan shrugged. "Let's go!"
"WHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOO!" The Dreadnoks whooped as they started to drive through the winding streets of Naples.
Of course, within minutes several explosions were heard. Smoke started to rise through the air and the sirens of the police were heard.
BOOOOOOOOOM!
FLASHFORWARD!
"Boy did we wreck that town," Torch snickered. "Good times."
"Wrecked is an understatement," Zartan admitted. "We blew up three churches, burned down the town market, destroyed five restaurants, robbed a jewelry store and a pastry shop, blew up three police cars and a Vespa…"
"The police have Vespas?" Mindbender did a double take.
"Not anymore," Zartan shrugged.
"Ironically on that mission we didn't lose anybody!" Destro groaned. "The Dreadnok Luck still continues."
"We didn't lose anybody in the island of Elba either," Mindbender pointed out. "Technically."
FLASHBACK!
Cobra Base 39: Isola D'Elba, Italy.
"You have got to be kidding me?" Cobra Commander screamed at the burned-out wreckage of an Italian manor.
"We really should do more research before checking out these bases," The Baroness sighed.
FLASHFORWARD!
"There was nothing to lose!" Cobra Commander snapped. "That base had been destroyed years ago!"
"I did some research," Firefly spoke up. "Apparently there was a shootout between some rival mob gangs there. About twenty people died. All because of a turf war."
"Over drugs?" Destro asked.
"Counterfeit beanie babies," Firefly shrugged. "Apparently it was big for a while."
"The real scuffle was over that vineyard outside of Pisa," Tomax spoke up.
"That was a problem," Xamot groaned.
"Okay…" Cobra Commander held up his hand. "I see where this is going. I admit I got a little carried away during that firefight with that mob gang that moved into the base."
"A little carried away?" Destro shouted.
FLASHBACK!
Cobra Base 40: A vineyard outside of Pisa, Italy.
"Oh, for crying out loud!" Cobra Commander stood on the bridge watching what was happening outside. "How many of our bases do these mobsters have to move into? They're like cockroaches!"
"The good news is that we aren't taking any damage," Destro remarked. "Our spaceship's defense systems are too good."
BOOOOOOOOOM!
Something exploded off the port bow. "Neither is the aim of those mobsters," Cobra Commander quipped.
"The bad news is that we can't land so it's a stalemate…" Destro sighed. "I suggest…"
"I don't care what you suggest," Cobra Commander moved to the control panel and started pushing buttons. "If you want something done right around here you have to do it yourself!"
"Commander! What are you doing?" Destro gasped.
"Showing these wise guys who's the top snake around here," Cobra Commander said. "One very well aimed missile should do the trick!"
"Be careful!" Destro warned. "I think one of the missiles we loaded on the ship is…"
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
A huge mushroom shaped cloud appeared before them where the base once stood. "A nuclear device…" Destro sighed.
"Oops," Cobra Commander blinked. "Okay that was my bad."
"YOU THINK?" Destro shouted.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Okay, I accidentally blew up a base with several mobsters in it!" Cobra Commander snapped. "And irradiated a quarter of Italy. Big deal! I lost a lot of potential wine to drink but you don't see me whining!"
"No point in whining over lost wine," Mindbender quipped.
"And we didn't lose any troops during that skirmish either!" Cobra Commander added.
"But we did lose five more during our nighttime raid on that base in Sicily!" Destro snapped. "The one where we learned that the Camorra had taken over it!"
"When you finally realized that all you had to do was ask me who had taken over it," Crystal Ball spoke up. "Which you should have done from the beginning."
Destro added. "And you had the brilliant idea to put Blood Wing in charge!"
"Why did you put him in charge of that raid again?" The Baroness asked.
"It was a night raid," Cobra Commander said. "You know? He's a vampire. It seemed like a perfect match."
"Except for one tiny detail…" Destro groaned.
FLASHBACK!
Cobra Base 41: Sicily.
Blood Wing reveled in the terror of his victims as he drained the blood from their bodies. His human form was at its most powerful at night. It was like his glory days. Oh, sure the weapons which many tried to fight him had changed. But the bullets that hit his body only annoyed him. The sight of his victim's eyes as they realized their guns were useless and their deaths were inevitable always made him feel a surge of power and price.
"NO! PLEASE! DON'T! STOP! WAIT!"
And so was the begging. It really wasn't effective at all.
"HA! HA! HA! HA!" Blood Wing cackled as he finished drinking the blood of his victim. "This is what happens when you dare to challenge Blood Wing! The mightiest of vampires you insignificant…"
That's when he noticed the victim in his hands wore a Cobra uniform.
"Oops," Blood Wing looked at the corpses all around him. "This is my bad. I always get carried away when I get into a good frenzy."
FLASHFORWARD!
"I said I was sorry!" Blood Wing snapped. He was still in human form. "To fair, I only killed two of the soldiers. The other three got themselves killed by the Camorra. Who I also killed. So…Accidents happen. I'll be more careful in the future!"
"You'd better be," The Baroness snarled. "That base was so covered in blood it was uninhabitable."
"Well we had to burn it to send a message anyway…" Blood Wing shrugged.
"So, we lost fifteen soldiers total?" Cobra Commander shrugged. "To be fair we've lost more during our Christmas parties."
"Nineteen soldiers," Destro corrected. "We sent five more to another old base and only one survived."
"Where was this?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Mount Vesuvius," Destro told him.
"Mount Vesuvius?" Cobra Commander was stunned. "As in the active volcano Mount Vesuvius?"
"Yes," Destro sighed. "Apparently…"
FLASHBACK!
Cobra Base 42: Mount Vesuvius, Italy.
KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
The volcano sprung to life as lava and ash exploded from its crater.
FLASHFORWARD!
"You don't have to tell me any more Destro," Cobra Commander groaned. "I can connect the dots."
"Trooper Swell was the only survivor," Destro groaned. "And is currently in the infirmary with third degree burns."
"I really should go and fix that," Mindbender realized. "After the meeting. And lunch."
"Basically, Italy was a bust," The Baroness groaned.
"It would appear so," Destro groaned. "We've also gathered some facts on some other bases. We had a base in Slovenia."
"Had?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Had," Destro remarked. "Guess where?"
"You mean…?" Cobra Commander realized what he was talking about.
"Exactly," Destro sighed.
FLASHBACK!
Cobra Base 43: Ljubljana, Slovenia.
"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Several buildings were disintegrated by the blast. And what was left of them was pummeled by goat meat.
FLASHFORWARD:
"To be fair it was abandoned and there was nobody that we knew of inside the building," Destro sighed. "But it still counts as a lost base nonetheless."
"Any other bases that were wrecked I should know about?" Cobra Commander sighed.
"Actually, there are," Destro said. "Remember when we stole Vanguard's computer? He had some information on two more bases that used to be ours."
"I'm guessing by your tone they are now owned by Mongoose Industries?" Cobra Commander sighed.
"Technically no…" Destro sighed. "There were two more bases in Italy but Mongoose Industries sold them."
"Sold them?" Cobra Commander gasped. "To who?"
"Whom," The Baroness corrected.
"Whatever!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Who did they sell them to? And what were they?"
"The first one was a small apartment complex in Rome," Destro explained. "Which was sold to the city and is now…"
Cobra Base 44: Rome, Italy
A brand-new children's playground was shown. Children were happily running around and laughing.
Back to the meeting…
"A PLAYGROUND!?" Cobra Commander shouted. "Our former base is now a playground?"
"Pretty ironic considering the childish mentalities of half the people Cobra employs," The Baroness sighed.
"She's not wrong," Xamot and Tomax said as one.
"You said there were two bases," Cobra Commander sighed. "What happened to the other one?"
"Uh well…" Destro coughed.
Cobra Base 45: Milan, Italy.
A shiny new parking lot full of cars was seen. With some very expensive cars.
Again, back to the meeting…
"A PARKING LOT!?" Cobra Commander screamed. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?"
"I know," Tomax groaned.
"Those bases are more useful now than when we had them," Xamot added.
"Out of the fifty-seven bases in Europe we now only have twelve left to check," The Baroness sighed. "Honestly if they are anything like the other forty-five…"
"Fine, let's get back to the troop numbers," Cobra Commander waved. "We only lost 19 men in Italy. Theoretically that should have left us with 277. What happened?"
"Remember some of that perfume we have in stock?" Zarana asked. "Mindbender decided to fool around with some of it."
"I was trying some new chemicals to see what they would do," Mindbender admitted. "And I needed a few volunteers."
"Guinea pigs," Zarana rolled her eyes.
"Potato, po-pig-o," Mindbender waved. "Well my first experiment did not end well…"
"Let me guess," The Baroness sighed. "It turned to acid and burned your volunteers alive?"
"No, not quite," Mindbender winced.
FLASHBACK!
"Okay," Mindbender said to his three test subjects outside. "Are you ready?"
"No…" One of the Cobra soldiers groaned. They were all wearing padding.
"Good enough," Mindbender said as he put a few drops of perfume mixture on the padding in front of their uniforms. "Okay so describe to me what's happening!" He ran far enough away to stay immune from the effects.
"Uh…" One Cobra soldier blinked. "Is something supposed to happen?"
"No burning sensations?" Mindbender asked. "Nothing in your eyes or…?"
"Honestly?" Another Cobra Soldier admitted. "Other than the weird smell it's not that bad."
"Yeah is this supposed to do something?" Another soldier asked.
"That's what these tests are for," Mindbender said.
"Well I don't feel anything," One Cobra soldier said. "Do you feel anything?"
"I don't feel anything," Another Cobra solder admitted.
"BLEEAAT! BLEAAAT!"
"What the….?" One of the Cobra soldiers looked behind him.
Hundreds of deer came out of the surrounding woods and started to attack the soldiers. "OKAY! I FEEL SOMETHING NOW! OWWWW!" A soldier screamed as he was mauled by deer.
"Ooh," Mindbender wisely moved away. "Okay maybe we can market this as a deer hunting lure or something?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
"If I do I definitely need to put a warning label on it…" Mindbender winced as he watched the gruesome fate of his men.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Are you telling me we lost three men to a deer attack?" Cobra Commander shouted. "That is one of the stupidest things I ever heard!"
"Wait a minute," Destro sighed. "It gets stupider."
"We also lost 135 people," Firefly groaned.
"How?" Cobra Commander asked.
"We actually lost them," Firefly explained. "As in we sent several of them for supplies in nearby towns and they never came back."
"Deserted?" Destro raised his eyebrow.
"Yes," Firefly admitted.
"Well then go get some men and hunt them down and find them!" Cobra Commander howled. "Bring back those deserters so I can shoot them!"
"We did," Firefly told him. "They also deserted. So, we sent some more men after the first group. But they never came back. And then we sent another group…"
"I sense a pattern," Destro groaned.
"That's how we ended up with 135 troops gone," Firefly explained. "Eventually we just stopped sending people when we realized how many would take the opportunity to run off."
"So that should still leave us with 139 troops!" Cobra Commander snapped. "How the hell did we get down to twelve?"
"That number is coming up a lot today," Torch thought aloud.
"Your number is going to be up if you don't stifle yourself!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Well? What happened?"
"It seems before the first group of men deserted," Xamot began.
"There was another little incident," Tomax added.
"Also involving the expired perfume," The Twins said as one.
"What kind of incident?" Cobra Commander asked.
"You know our no-smoking policy?" Mindbender asked. "Some of our troops decided to ignore it."
"Cobra has a no-smoking policy?" Blood Wing asked.
"I never could take the smell," Cobra Commander admitted.
"Most of us don't smoke anyway," Mindbender told him. "And considering how many chemicals and explosives surround us every day…"
"It seemed like a healthy practice to adopt," The Baroness added. "Unfortunately, a lot of our soldiers were reluctant to kick the habit. So, they found a place they thought none of us would find them."
"Namely the warehouse that stored all the expired perfume," Firefly groaned.
"You mean…?" Cobra Commander asked.
FLASHBACK!
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
A warehouse burst into flames. And a green cloud of smoke was seen rising from the destruction.
FLASHFORWARD!
"I always said smoking was a nasty habit," Mindbender shrugged. "And a deadly one."
"I was wondering why the eastern perimeter of the base was closed off," Buzzer realized. "And smelled like smoky perfumed rotten eggs."
"I'm surrounded by fools…" Cobra Commander hissed. "You're saying out of the survivors that didn't desert us…"
"Or were killed," Destro gave Mindbender and Blood Wing a look. "Or eaten."
"We only have twelve loyal soldiers that won't leave us?" Cobra Commander shouted.
"They can't leave," Destro told him. "Those are the ones left in the infirmary."
A beep sounded from Firefly's pad. "Trooper Swell has died," Firefly reported. "So now we're down to 11."
"Oh," Mindbender blinked. "Well my afternoon just opened up. Anyone for a long lunch?"
"Uhhhhggggghhhhhh," Cobra Commander made an exasperated sound. "Mother was so right. Competent help is so hard to find."
"Hang on," Crystal Ball spoke up from the table. "You said we've had soldiers have been deserting us for several days, right?"
"Yeah, so?" Firefly asked.
"What are the odds that some of them blabbed to the authorities where we are?" Crystal Ball realized.
"Uhhhhh…." Firefly blinked.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
That was when the alarms went off. "Considering the perimeter alarm just went on…" Destro groaned. "And that was very obviously a missile…I'd say one to one!"
"Okay we all know the drill," Cobra Commander groaned as he got up and grabbed Crystal Ball. "Cobra retreat. Run to the spaceship. Yada. Yada. Yada…"
"I can't believe I got back in the terrorism game for this!" Firefly groaned.
"Preaching to the choir!" Destro admitted.