Party In Latveria
Surrounded by the Carpathian Mountains is one of the world's most secluded and mysterious countries. Latveria. It's capital: Doomstat. A quiet secretive country. Full of mystery, drama…
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
And currently, some very loud explosions.
"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, RICHARDS!" Dr. Doom, leader of Latveria and feared supervillain screamed. "I JUST HAD THAT TOWER REBUILT! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG IT TOOK TO GET IT DONE? THE PERMITS ALONE TOOK FOREVER!"
"Since when does the ruler of Latveria have to worry about permits?" Reed Richards, super stretchy leader of the Fantastic Four shouted as he and his team landed in the wrecked courtyard of Castle Doom.
"I know," Dr. Doom growled as he stood above them on the ramparts of his castle. "You would think that, right? But my ancestors wrote in some very weird by-laws into my country's charter that even I can't bypass. Apparently, I had an ancestor in the distant past who liked to build his towers way too high. And they were made of pudding. Don't ask."
Sue Storm pointed at him. "We're here to stop your latest death ray from threatening the world!"
"Oh, but it's perfectly acceptable for the United States and every other country to have nuclear weapons that could destroy the world twelve times over?" Dr. Doom snapped. "Who are you kidding? All I'm doing is leveling the playing field!"
"How about we level your death ray into next week?" Ben Grimm growled as he made a fist with his orange rock hard hands.
"That's got to be it over there!" Johnny Storm pointed to a futuristic looking device nearby.
"Everyone! Use your powers to destroy the death ray!" Reed shouted.
"It's Clobbering Time!" Ben roared as the Fantastic Four attacked.
"Of course, it's Clobbering Time," Dr. Doom said sarcastically. "It's always Clobbering Time!"
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!
SMASH!
"It's never, Let's Read A Book Time," Dr. Doom sighed. "Or Let's Talk Like Adults Time. No. It's always Clobbering Time."
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"And that's the end of that," Ben brushed his hands as the Fantastic Four looked at the pile of rubble.
"Your plans failed again Doom!" Reed called out.
"Congratulations Richards," Dr. Doom said sarcastically. "You just saved the world from a piece of modern art!"
"What?" Reed blinked.
"That piece was an original Ari Holwarl," Dr. Doom told them. "And now it's some original rubble. Well there's twenty thousand from my personal fund I will never get back."
"You spent your country's money on bad art?" Ben asked.
"First of all," Dr. Doom corrected. "I just said literally a few seconds ago that I used my personal fund. Which means my money, not Latveria's! I admit technically there are many similarities but not in this case."
"And second of all," Dr. Doom looked at the rubble. "I agree. That was bad art. The only reason I bought it was that my so-called art dealer assured me that the price would go up. I must make a note to fire him later. Out of a cannon."
"You should have just stuck with one of those sea paintings," Ben told him. "Or one of those pictures of dogs playing poker."
"I do like sea paintings," Dr. Doom remarked. "And I must admit those dog pictures are quite amusing. A bit droll but…"
Dr. Doom had a revelation. "Oh, dear God, I have the same taste in art as the Thing. Well this is depressing."
"Well if that wasn't your death ray…" Reed looked around. "Where is it?"
Dr. Doom was furious. "I haven't had time to finish it! Okay? I've been a little busy lately!"
"Doing what?" Johnny asked. "Polishing your face?"
"No, Flaming Moron!" Dr. Doom shouted. "This new thing called Running Latveria? Maybe you've heard of it?"
"You're the freaking dictator!" Ben shouted. "Just tell them what to do and they do it."
"Oh yes that's what happens," Dr. Doom said sarcastically. "You think I just wave my hand…" He did so mockingly. "And everything just falls into place! That all my problems just magically disappear!"
A thin older gentleman in a green suit stood next to him. He had a strange resemblance to Will Ferrell. "You people have no idea what Lord Doom does for us, do you?"
"They don't, Henrick!" Dr. Doom snapped. "They haven't a clue!"
"Oh, I am Reed Richards," Henrick mocked. "Everything is just so easy for me! I think I am such a smarty pants! Science. Science. Science. Hot wife. Okay now I gotta go spend some money I don't deserve for some more science. Oopsie. I just blew something up. That's okay. It doesn't affect me! More science!"
"That is him perfectly!" Dr. Doom agreed.
"Who is that?" Reed pointed to Henrick.
"My butler slash personal assistant!" Dr. Doom snapped. "And he's also runs my schedule!"
"That reminds me my Lord," Henrick coughed. "You are due in court this afternoon."
"Was that today?" Dr. Doom groaned. "I forgot. It's always one thing after another!"
"You have to go to court?" Reed was stunned. "In your own country?"
"Well I am the judge!" Dr. Doom sighed. He turned to his butler. "This isn't just one of those things where I can just execute someone is it?"
"I'm afraid not sir," Henrick shook his head. "It's Traffic Court. And you've already postponed the cases for a month. And there are a few new ones…"
"Okay that's it," Dr. Doom groaned. "I am officially going to write a trial by jury into the constitution sometime this week because I can't handle all these little annoyances! Case in point!" He pointed to the Fantastic Four.
"Very good, my lord," Henrick took out a pad. "Shall I fit it in by the end of the week or would you prefer it sooner?"
Dr. Doom remarked. "How does the rest of my day look?"
"Depends on how long this takes," Henrick looked at the Fantastic Four.
"Tell me about it," Dr. Doom groaned.
"You're going down Doom!" Reed called out.
"Can I have five minutes to work on my schedule here?" Dr. Doom shouted. "Seriously? Do you have any idea how crazy it has been the past few weeks?"
"Lord Doom is a very busy man!" Henrick snapped. "Very, very busy!"
"Do you know what I do around here?" Dr. Doom snapped. "Do you have any comprehension of how hard it is to run a country? Even if your word is law?"
"It's no piece of franzbrochen, let me tell you!" Henrick agreed.
"I have to run the budgets and balance them," Dr. Doom counted. "I have to run the military and make sure there aren't any coups. I'm constantly on the phone making alliances because almost all of my allies are falling to coups! I have to be the head of my own science department because apparently the majority of my scientists don't know which end of a microscope to look at!"
"He's also the head of the Justice Department," Henrick added.
"I am the Justice Department technically," Dr. Doom admitted.
Henrick looked at the Fantastic Four. "You think all those orders for investigations, arrests and executions just fill in the forms all by themselves?"
"I'm even my own head executioner!" Dr. Doom shouted. "Because the last one died!"
"Let me guess," Ben quipped. "You executed him?"
"No," Dr. Doom admitted. "Heart attack."
Henrick added. "Franz was a great guy but he never ate a vegetable unless it was fried. His cholesterol was through the roof."
"I do miss him though," Dr. Doom said to Henrick. "He was a hard worker. And extremely loyal."
"He executed his own brother," Henrick admitted. "Didn't even ask for clemency. Just asked if he could have a few minutes to sharpen his ax."
"It was a good funeral though," Dr. Doom remarked.
"Oh ya," Henrick nodded. "Franz's family made a great repast! His wife is an unbelievable cook!"
"I've been to five-star restaurants and the food was not that good," Dr. Doom admitted. "No wonder he was so fat."
"Excuse me?" Johnny shouted. "We're in the middle of a battle here? Hello?"
"Oh, shut up Flame For Brains!" Henrick snapped. "It's always about you, you, you!"
"And people say Doom has an ego," Dr. Doom groaned. "Do we have to do this now? May I remind you that technically you people are invading a foreign country?"
"Why don't you go invade someone else's country for a change?" Henrick called out. "I hear the Middle East is lovely this time of year. Why don't you go over there and solve some of those problems?"
"Not like there isn't a surplus lately," Dr. Doom admitted. "I can think of twenty other rulers at the top of my head that are way worse than I am. At least I don't deliberately starve my people! And I don't do ethnic cleansing!"
"Ya, why are you always picking on him?" Henrick snapped. "Look you heard the man, there's no death ray here so why you don't just leave?"
"Oh yeah, like we're stupid enough to believe that?" Johnny snapped.
"Doom has plots within plots within plots," Reed called out. "He's not stupid or careless enough to simply not make a death ray!"
"Technically it was more of a lack of time," Dr. Doom corrected. "Even I can't just whip up a death ray within the few hours I had this week!"
"Don't blame yourself, my lord. You needed your rest," Henrick said. "Getting a good night's sleep is very important."
"I know you, Doom!" Reed snapped. "I know that you are too intelligent and resourceful to just simply not have time to make a weapon of mass destruction and sleep on it!"
Dr. Doom sighed and looked at Henrick. "Typical. The one time Richards acknowledges Doom's greatness…"
Ben called out. "We're going to tear this stinkin' country to pieces until we find that death ray!"
"Oh good," Henrick said sarcastically. "Just what we need. More items to add to the budget."
"We're taking you down Doom!" Reed called out. "And nothing is going to stop us!"
CRASH!
That was when a spaceship crashed through the lower wall raining several bricks down on the genuinely surprised Fantastic Four.
"Well that's something that doesn't happen every day," Dr. Doom was genuinely shocked. "Even for me."
"Huh when the spaceship broke through the wall they landed on the Fantastic Four and knocked them out," Henrick remarked. "That was a freebie."
"Ugh…" Ben stood up among the rubble. "That was annoying!"
"Of course, he's still awake!" Dr. Doom groaned.
ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!
"But not for long," Henrick remarked as the spaceship shot a laser that knocked Ben out.
Then the spaceship landed in the courtyard. "I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth," Dr. Doom frowned. "But who the hell is that?"
That was when the spaceship opened its door and Cobra Commander stepped out. "Hey Doom!" Cobra Commander waved. "Sorry about your castle wall. I made the mistake of letting Torch pilot the ship."
Cobra Commander then looked at the unconscious Fantastic Four on the ground. "Have I come at a bad time?"
"No," Dr. Doom remarked. "Your timing is rather impeccable actually. Guards!"
"Oh good," Cobra Commander remarked as the guards grabbed the unconscious Fantastic Four. "Those weren't guests. I'm glad I shot them."
"Not that I'm complaining about your arrival's surprisingly fortuitous timing," Dr. Doom remarked as the Cobras emerged from the spaceship. "But why are you here?"
"We were in the neighborhood," Cobra Commander remarked.
"So, you thought you'd just pop in and say hi to Dr. Doom?" Crystal Ball asked. He was being held by Zartan this time.
Dr. Doom did a double take at Crystal Ball. "When did you get a ghost in a crystal ball?"
"A while ago," Destro sighed. "It's a long story."
"What does he do?" Dr. Doom asked.
"Sarcastic comments mostly," Cobra Commander said. "But he's good for cable TV. Saves me a fortune actually."
"It has been a while since I've been to Latveria. Is that volcano new?" Destro pointed to the distance.
"Yes," Dr. Doom sighed.
"On purpose or…?" Cobra Commander asked.
Dr. Doom sighed. "There was an incident…"
"Been there," Cobra Commander nodded.
"Literally," Mindbender remarked. Cobra Commander glared at him.
"On the upside I have finally figured out how to use it for geothermal power," Dr. Doom remarked. "And it's a new tourist attraction. If we ever get any tourists."
"Not to mention a convenient emergency execution device," Cobra Commander nodded. "What? That's what we did in Cobra La when our executioners went on strike!"
"How do you know each other?" Zartan asked. "You don't usually run around in the same circles."
"Actually, Dr. Doom and I are cousins," Destro explained. "On my paternal grandfather's side."
"Destro is one of the few relatives from that side of the family I can tolerate," Dr. Doom admitted. "He's not as snobbish and condescending as they are."
"Hang on," Zartan did a double take. "You think Destro is not snobbish?"
"Compared to some of my relatives," Destro sighed. "I'm practically Mary Poppins."
"I'm not surprised your relatives put a bounty on you," Dr. Doom grumbled. "Hell, they put a bounty on me when I broke that stupid vase nobody liked. And I wasn't even the one who broke it."
"There was an incident in our youth," Destro explained. "We were having a family reunion at our castle in Scotland. Apparently a very old vase that belonged to great-grandmother Orla was broken during the festivities. And subsequently the ashes of great grandmother Orla were scattered all over the place."
"That old bat who claims to be Destro's grandmother swears it was me that broke the vase!" Dr. Doom snapped.
"It couldn't have been you," Destro said. "You were sound asleep in the room we shared."
"I know but that didn't matter to the witch," Dr. Doom snapped. "She swears she saw me do it. Then again this is also the woman who swears she saw Uncle Festivus flying and talking to the devil."
"The closest he ever got to flying was when he accidentally sat in that catapult," Destro remembered.
"To make a long story short," Dr. Doom sighed. "Destro's family and my family never really got along after that weekend. Of course, we never got along much before that weekend."
"Your uncle Valant sleeping with my Aunt Prudence didn't help," Destro pointed out. "Not to mention when he stabbed Uncle Hamish in the foot."
"Your family wasn't exactly that innocent!" Dr. Doom snapped.
"Well Aunt Prudence certainly wasn't," Destro admitted. "She'd had affairs with half the men in the Black Loch Pub!"
"What about you Commander?" Mindbender asked. "How do you know Doom?"
"Destro introduced him to me way back at the club," Cobra Commander waved.
"Club?" Zartan asked.
"The Masked Society," Cobra Commander explained. "You know? People who wear actual masks?"
"So why are you here?" Dr. Doom asked.
"We were in the neighborhood," Cobra Commander waved. "Thought we'd stop by and catch up."
"More like lie low before the authorities catch us," Crystal Ball mocked.
"I figured something like that," Dr. Doom remarked. "Judging by what I saw on the evening news."
"How bad is it?" Destro sighed.
"Let's just say they are already having another emergency session of the UN," Henrick spoke up. "To pass even more resolutions against you."
"Been there," Dr. Doom admitted. "This is my butler slash personal assistant Henrick. He shall escort your associates to some rooms and we will have a feast tonight."
"Now that's what I'm talking about!" Torch whooped.
"Tiffany," Cobra Commander ordered. "Get some of the good interdimensional wine we picked up! Our host deserves the best!"
"Ooh! I know!" Tiffany said. "We can get some of that wine we have left over from that dimension where people made fire with their hands!" She ran into the starship.
"Very good," Dr. Doom nodded. "Tonight, we celebrate our victory and have a feast!"
Destro remarked. "Thank you, cousin. Uh sorry about the wall."
"Eh," Dr. Doom waved. "Not as much damage as what the Freaktastic Four already did. I've been meaning to open that courtyard a little more anyway.
"If you gentlemen and ladies will follow me," Henrick motioned. He then noticed Blood Wing who was in his bird form due to it being daytime. "Uh I shall find accommodations for your…pet?"
"I'll pet you if you touch me!" Blood Wing snapped. "Just a regular room will do!"
"Do I even want to know about the bird?" Dr. Doom asked Destro and Cobra Commander as the others went with Henrick.
"You do not," Destro sighed.
"Let's just say we've picked up a few…" Cobra Commander paused. "Unusual recruits along the way and leave it at that."
"I was wondering about the transvestite as well," Dr. Doom admitted.
"Tiffany is one of many multiple personalities that person has," Destro explained.
"And she's the most competent one," Cobra Commander admitted. "Don't ask!"
"When you're on the run constantly you have to take what you can get," Destro groaned.
"Obviously," Dr. Doom remarked.
Later that evening the Cobras were in a sumptuous hallway feasting and drinking with their host. Cobra Commander, Destro and the Baroness were closest to Dr. Doom at the head of the table. Crystal Ball was next to Cobra Commander. Further down were the Dreadnoks laughing and partying as well as drinking.
"Now this is a real good spot of grub!" Torch grinned as he tore into a large drumstick. "Ooh, sorry Bloody. No offense."
"He's not even here," Zarana waved. "Said he had something to do."
"Probably went out for a bite," Buzzer snickered. "Get it?"
Meanwhile at the head of the table Dr. Doom and the others were chatting. "This is quite a good wine," Dr. Doom remarked as he took a cautious sip. "And you got this from another dimension?"
"Using the spaceship," Cobra Commander admitted. "Long story. Short version there are a lot of fools in other dimensions that are remarkably easy to steal from. And destroy."
"I have to say Cobra Commander," Dr. Doom remarked. "I've been watching what you've been doing this past year. Even though your tactics are extremely unorthodox…They're effective. That car chase alone and how you evaded the police…Your genius escape rivals that of my own."
"I'll take that as a compliment," Cobra Commander remarked as he drank some wine.
"Your style reminds me of the old days where we just did terror for the art," Dr. Doom sighed. "I miss those days."
"I know," Cobra Commander sighed. "It's all…Let's blow this up because of our religious beliefs. Or let's blow that up because of our religious beliefs. Or I'm doing this because I want to send a message! Here's a message! Try something original for a change!"
"I just don't have the same passion for terror anymore," Dr. Doom sighed. "I just can't get enthusiastic about death rays. Or death robots. Or anything to do with death anymore. It's too depressing."
"Not to mention expensive," Destro sighed.
"Do you have any idea how hard it is to stay within a budget to run your own country?" Dr. Doom sighed.
"Oh, I know!" Cobra Commander groaned. "I know! Everybody thinks its soooo easy!"
"Don't get me started on the economy," Dr. Doom sighed. "Apparently nobody wants to do business with a dictator who keeps his people from travelling using robots and a force field. And you can only smuggle out so many handmade wooden crafts."
"What about your prime minister?" Destro asked. "Can't he or she do the grunt work? You know? Figure out how to run things for you?"
"I'm afraid I'm currently between prime ministers at the moment," Dr. Doom sighed. "No one wants the job anymore. In fact, I don't even have a council anymore. I still have a couple of ministers but you know? They're not exactly the sharpest knives in the drawer."
"How many prime ministers have you had?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Over all the fifty or so years I've ruled I'd say…" Dr. Doom paused. "347."
"I think I see why you may have problems filling that position," The Baroness drawled.
"You can't just kill every prime minister," Crystal Ball said. "That's just so short sighted."
"Yeah who would do all the work?" Cobra Commander asked. "And don't say slave labor because that only gets you so far. You need competent managers! And they don't grow on trees."
"And who has time to go through resumes?" Destro asked. "And figure out how much they lie on them."
"To be fair I didn't kill all of them!" Dr. Doom protested. "Granted I killed a lot of them. But not all of them! At least a dozen had heart attacks or strokes. Three committed suicide when they thought I was going to kill them. One was killed by the volcano. Two were killed by malfunctioning robots. One was killed by his wife and his sister in law when they found out he was sleeping with both of them. One of them fled the country when I was shall we say, temporarily indisposed…"
"Indisposed?" The Baroness asked.
"There have been a few times I've been arrested by SHIELD or the Avengers," Dr. Doom admitted. "And then there was this one time I ended up in a Hell dimension for almost a year."
"It feels like I've been in a Hell dimension for an eternity," Cobra Commander remarked.
Dr. Doom took a sip and sighed. "I admit I killed that prime minister when I first got back. Then I realized I'd been in that dimension for a lot longer than I thought. And he did build a lovely statue in my honor. In hindsight I may have overreacted. I was angry and frustrated after escaping a Hell dimension and I probably took it out on the wrong person."
"No, you did the right thing," Cobra Commander told him. "You had to establish your supreme authority as soon as possible. Otherwise he just would have undermined you."
"I did think that," Dr. Doom looked at Cobra Commander. "It just feels nice to hear someone else say that out loud."
"I'm here for you, Brother," Cobra Commander nodded.
"As it so happens," Dr. Doom sighed. "During that period the force field was also down. During that time over a quarter of the population emigrated to dozens of other countries. Needless to say, the best and brightest Latveria had…"
"Had the brains to leave?" Crystal Ball prompted.
"You're not wrong," Dr. Doom sighed. "What was left behind was not exactly the cream of the crop. The plus side is that I don't have to worry about any coups."
"The downside is nobody's smart enough to have any initiative," Destro guessed.
Dr. Doom sighed. "You would think that a country that would literally do anything you want would be an asset? But when you have to think for that country all the time…It's a hassle. Just once I'd like someone to challenge me. Or come up with an original thought. I mean, I'd probably have to kill him. But it would be a change of pace!"
"Believe me," Cobra Commander nodded. "I know what it's like to be surrounded by idiots, morons and slackers."
"My last prime minister I had to literally tell him when he could go potty," Dr. Doom said sarcastically. "Wasn't even smart enough to get out of the way of the lava flow. Just stood there with his mouth open. All he had to do was take ten steps to either side. But he didn't. Just stood there and watched his legs melt away."
"Free will nonsense my scaly ass," Cobra Commander snapped. "All most people have the free will to do is either shop, drink or be unbelievably stupid! Try to have an idea or two to make the world a better place? They tear you down for it!"
"Well that," Crystal Ball spoke up. "And you did steal quite a few famous landmarks."
"Nobody appreciates artistic expression anymore," Cobra Commander waved.
"That's nothing," Dr. Doom groaned. "Have you ever tried getting international aid after you accidentally create a volcano in your own city and melt half of your town? I asked the Red Cross for some doctors and nurses. They sent me three math teachers and a small business expert."
"Oh, that's just bureaucratic nonsense," Cobra Commander scoffed.
"It wasn't all bad," Dr. Doom shrugged. "I convinced them to set up Latveria's first and only business school. The first class of graduates is already doing some fine work running some of my factories."
"How did you convince them?" Cobra Commander asked. "Blackmail? Torture?"
Dr. Doom looked at him. "I promised them a decent wage and a pension. The job market is crazy out there. Even Latveria has an unemployment problem."
"I thought employment was mandatory?" Destro asked.
"It was," Dr. Doom sighed. "Until my last scuffle with the Avengers burned down a quarter of my factories and half of my farms!"
"Can't you just conscript them into your army?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Not if they're over fifty!" Dr. Doom snapped. "Or lost a few limbs thanks to the aforementioned volcano! Or legally blind. Or some other ailments. Only one in twenty that are unemployed is qualified and capable to be in the army."
"You should try recruiting women into your army," Destro suggested.
"I was talking about the women in my army!" Dr. Doom snapped. "I admit I was a bit hesitant but I have to give them this, those women are really good at coming up with ways to torture people."
"It works for the King of Wakanda," Cobra Commander admitted.
"What about robot enforcers?" Destro suggested.
"I do have them," Dr. Doom groaned. "What I don't have are repairmen to fix them!"
"You fix all your robot enforcers yourself?" Cobra Commander was stunned.
"At first, I thought it was a foolproof method of making sure they only obeyed my commands," Dr. Doom admitted. "But when I started using them more, I realized I had to repair them more. Half of my day is taken up just fixing those things! The other half is ruling idiots."
"Well no wonder you're stressed!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"I'm not just stressed," Dr. Doom grumbled. "I'm fed up. After all these decades of fighting fools like the Fantastic Four and losing to them. And running a country that has some kind of crisis every other month…And plan after plan failing to rule the world. I'm starting to wonder if this is all worth it."
"Seriously?" Cobra Commander asked.
"I'm going to level with you," Dr. Doom sighed. "I only threatened the world with a death ray because I was worried I was falling behind all the other countries in the arms race. So I figured, why not say I have a death ray? Level the playing field. Didn't even bother to make one because you know? With my reputation…"
"Why do more work than you need to?" Destro guessed.
"Exactly," Dr. Doom nodded. "I was getting so tired of all the other ambassadors and world leaders bragging about their arms race. It was bad enough that countries like the United States, Russia, Iran and North Korea were bragging about it. But when France starts bragging about all their nuclear warheads…"
"You had to do something!" Cobra Commander spoke up. "I get it!"
"I told my ambassador to the UN to tell the world Latveria had a death ray," Dr. Doom said. "Honestly I was sick and tired of my country being ignored and passed over. You know they don't even do countries' names in alphabetical order?"
"They do it in order of popularity and gross national product," Cobra Commander nodded. "AKA The United States, Russia and their allies are the cool kids. That's so high school."
"They stuck Latveria in the back row," Dr. Doom nodded. "My ambassador had to get a bullhorn so that people could hear him."
"So disrespectful," The Baroness clucked her tongue.
"And what do you think happens?" Dr. Doom snapped. "The whole UN goes insane! Seriously? One little death ray threat and suddenly I'm the bad guy!"
"You know it's a proven fact that death rays are actually better for the planet than nuclear weapons," Cobra Commander spoke up. "No excess radiation."
"He said that!" Dr. Doom shouted. "My ambassador said that! But nobody listened to that! They were all up in arms until that giant goat thing happened."
"Yeah that was us," Crystal Ball admitted.
"I figured that," Dr. Doom said. "By the way thanks for taking the heat off."
"You're welcome," Cobra Commander said.
"I have to ask," Dr. Doom looked at him. "What was the whole deal with the giant goat? What was that all about?"
"It was one of those happy accidents," Cobra Commander waved. "We were trying some new weaponized materials. The Dreadnoks' pet goat ate some. It started getting big. Then I thought, Hey, why not see where this goes?"
"It went right on Austrian Parliament building," Destro groaned.
"Normally Doom is not a fan of toilet humor," Dr. Doom chuckled. "But I admit it. That one was funny. Plus Austria is always complaining about me so…"
"Anything that gives GI Joe and the Avengers a headache is good enough for me," Cobra Commander admitted. "It may have ended with a mess, but I don't have to clean it up."
"And I did enjoy what you did with the European Bankers," Dr. Doom admitted. "And those teen pop stars."
"What's wrong with some good old-fashioned piracy every now and then?" Cobra Commander asked. "Plus, boy bands annoy me."
"Me too," Dr. Doom admitted.
"Look Doom," Cobra Commander said. "If there's anything I've learned in all my years of terrorism, is that you can't always plan everything. Sometimes you have to be inspired, grab terror by the neck, get on its back and just let it ride. Just do something you wouldn't ordinarily do and see where it takes you."
"Hmmm…" Dr. Doom thought.
"Plus, you take way too much on yourself," Cobra Commander told him. "Part of the fun of having subordinates is yelling at them when they screw up! It really alleviates a lot of my tension."
"That and the booze," Crystal Ball added.
"Doesn't hurt," Cobra Commander admitted as he took a drink.
"Just out of curiosity," The Baroness asked. "What happened to the women who killed your prime minister?"
"I gave them a full pardon and some jobs running The Ministry of Women's Health and the DMV," Dr. Doom told him. "Truth be told I was going to execute him anyway. And they're actually good at their jobs so…"
"You have cars in Latveria?" Cobra Commander asked. "Not just you?"
"We have cars!" Dr. Doom protested. "Now!"
"Listen Doom, buddy…" Cobra Commander said. "Sometimes you just gotta have fun and cut loose! What good is being an all-powerful leader if you don't have a good time?"
"You have given Doom a lot to think about," Dr. Doom frowned.
"No! No more thinking!" Cobra Commander slammed down his drink glass and retracted the straw in his helmet. "Which one of your neighbors annoys you the most? Just say the first thing on the top of your head!"
"None of Latveria's neighbors specifically," Dr. Doom admitted. "Most of them are decent terms with me. However, Russia has become a bit of a pain lately. Can you believe they tried to hack into my computers?"
"Gee, I hope that doesn't become a habit," Crystal Ball remarked.
"Why is Russia mad at you?" Destro asked. "Besides the whole death ray thing?"
"Russia and Latveria have never had a good history," Dr. Doom explained. "Ever since the days of Latveria's founding. Even during the Soviet Union, Latveria was one of the few countries that wasn't under its control east of the Berlin Wall. But not for lack of trying."
"Okay I have it!" Cobra Commander nodded as he picked up Crystal Ball. "Doom we're going on a little road trip. Destro, Baroness you come and fly the ship. Zartan, watch over the rest of the idiots!"
"Oh sure," Zartan groaned as they left. "Leave me with all the work!"
Soon Cobra Commander and his group were in the spaceship. "You're saying with this spaceship…" Dr. Doom asked. "We can not only travel to Moscow in a matter of minutes…We can travel to other dimensions?"
"Yes," Cobra Commander boasted as he sat in the captain's chair. "We've even conquered a few of them."
"The ones that were mostly lemurs or other animals," Crystal Ball corrected. "Before they gained sentience and rose up against you."
"Shut up!" Cobra Commander snapped. "That didn't happen in every dimension!"
"True," Crystal Ball added. "Some of them you just plain destroyed."
"Accidentally!" Cobra Commander snapped. He then looked at Dr. Doom. "I mean purposely accidentally destroyed those dimensions. To teach the inhabitants a lesson!"
"I see…" Dr. Doom looked around. "Well that explains that blue chicken."
"Bawwk…" A blue chicken strode around the bridge.
"We still have that thing?" Destro asked. "I thought we got rid of the livestock!"
"Apparently not," The Baroness sighed.
"Can we forget about the chicken?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Let's focus on the mission!"
"This is a mission?" Crystal Ball asked. "Since when?"
"Yes!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Operation Annoy Russia. "First, we need to do something unexpected. Something that they won't be expecting. I've got it! We need to find a warehouse holding a certain product."
"What?" Destro sighed. "What are you up to now?"
"Just a fun little activity that will liven things up," Cobra Commander told him.
"This is never good…" Crystal Ball groaned.
An hour and a half later…
"Okay, I was wrong," Crystal Ball remarked. "This was good!"
"I have to hand it to you, Commander," Destro said as he looked out the window. "They certainly weren't expecting that!"
Below them was the Kremlin, completely covered in toilet paper. "Sometimes the simple things are the best," Cobra Commander grinned.
"Doom has to admit," Dr. Doom remarked. "As childish as this is…It's amusing."
"Why didn't we just blow it up?" The Baroness asked.
"Anybody can use weapons to destroy their enemies," Cobra Commander snapped. "First we want to humiliate them!"
"You should take a selfie," Crystal Ball quipped.
"Good idea," Cobra Commander took out his camera. "Come on Doom! Destro! Take a picture!"
"I have been meaning to update my Space Book page," Dr. Doom admitted. "One of my advisors said I needed some lighthearted photos. Well right before I fed him to some hungry wolves."
"Then this is perfect," Cobra Commander said as they posed near the window. "This not only shows your fun side, it shows what you think of the Kremlin!"
"That they're Number Two?" Crystal Ball asked.
"Exactly," Cobra Commander nodded.
"Say World Domination," Destro sighed as he took the picture.
"World Domination!" Cobra Commander and Dr. Doom posed right in front of the window so the Kremlin was shown.
"Are you smiling?" Destro asked.
"Does it matter?" The Baroness asked. She was at the controls of the ship.
"Okay give me the phone," Cobra Commander took it from Destro. "Let me upload it to my villain profile. Now I'll put in a caption. Hey Losers, just TP'd the Kremlin with Doctor Doom. Hashtag Masked Society. Hashtag Terrorists 4 Life. Hashtag Cobra Crazy. And send!"
BOOM! BOOM!
"Excuse me," The Baroness said sarcastically. "I'd hate to break up this bromance moment. But apparently the Russian army is shooting at us."
"Okay," Cobra Commander said. "Now we'll use our weapons!"
It wasn't long before the spaceship was flying through Moscow, randomly firing on buildings and destroying fighter jets that were trying to follow them. "Ha! HA! HA!" Cobra Commander cackled. "I love this ship! This thing has a force field that is impenetrable! But we can fire on them with impunity!"
"Very practical," Dr. Doom remarked.
"Chicken restaurant at three o'clock!" The Baroness called out.
"Blow it up!" Cobra Commander screamed. "Blow up every chicken restaurant you see!"
"With pleasure!" Destro told him as he fired.
ZZAAAAP!
BOOOOOOOOOM!
"BURN CHICKEN RESTAURANT!" Destro shouted. "BURN IN HELL! MUAH! HA! HA! HA!"
"Yes! Yes! Let the flames consume you, stupid evil fast food piece of crap!" The Baroness added.
"Okay…" Dr. Doom blinked. "Is there a reason you're just blowing up fast food restaurants or…?"
"It's a long story," Crystal Ball told him. "And it has nothing to do with cholesterol."
ZZZZZZZZZZZZAPPP!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Got another one!" The Baroness laughed. "Oh, there's another one over there!"
"I see it woman!" Destro snapped. "You don't have to point it out."
"Well you don't have to bite my head off!" The Baroness snapped back. "I'm only trying to help!"
"The day I need your help…" Destro growled.
"Oh, big man," The Baroness drawled.
"Don't start with me woman!" Destro snapped.
Dr. Doom looked at Cobra Commander. "Is this still going on?"
"Unfortunately," Cobra Commander groaned.
Crystal Ball looked at Cobra Commander. "Be grateful that's not us!"
BOOOM! BOOOM! BOOOM!
"Well I think enough buildings are on fire," Cobra Commander remarked. "And that bridge is completely destroyed. Baroness get us out of here!"
"Where to?" The Baroness asked as she sped up.
"Anywhere where we aren't being shot at is a good place," Destro told her.
"Obviously!" The Baroness snapped. "I was asking for a particular destination!"
"I know exactly where we should go!" Cobra Commander realized. "Baroness set a course for…"
Ten minutes later…
"The moon?" Dr. Doom asked as they flew around the familiar sight. "Why the moon?"
"Kind of hard to track us here for one thing," Cobra Commander explained. "And two…It's the moon! How can you not be impressed being this close to it?"
"Those are good points," The Baroness admitted.
"Eh…" Dr. Doom shrugged. "I've been here before. Not that spectacular after the fifth or sixth time."
"Well bravo for you, Rick Steves!" Crystal Ball quipped.
"And now to do something I've been wanting to do for a long time," Cobra Commander cackled and rubbed his hands together. "Move over Destro! I'm going to carve my name on the moon!"
"Not again…" Destro groaned.
"What is it with you and tagging the moon?" The Baroness snapped.
"You're seriously not going to try and draw your face on the moon again?" Crystal Ball groaned.
"No, I don't have the artistic ability," Cobra Commander admitted. "I'm just going to write my name."
"Do we have to do this?" Destro asked.
"Yes, we do!" Cobra Commander snapped. "How many chances does one get to write your name on the actual surface of the moon?"
"For you this is technically the fourth time," Crystal Ball spoke up. "If we count those incidents in other dimensions."
"We came all the way to outer space just to make some graffiti?" Dr. Doom asked.
"Is your name on the moon?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Is it anywhere down there? I don't see it! That means nobody knows you were here! But once we write our names on the moon, the whole world will know of our greatness!"
"Point taken," Doom admitted.
"Plus, this also counts as art," Cobra Commander added. "And I pride myself in being a creative terrorist!"
"Oh, you're creative all right," Crystal Ball quipped. "Successful, no. Creative, yes."
"You want me to leave you down there?" Cobra Commander snapped at his crystalized companion.
"Please do!" Crystal Ball snapped. "I could use the peace and quiet!"
"It's bad enough you're committing vandalism on the moon," Destro sighed. "Do you really want to litter as well?"
"Good point," Cobra Commander grumbled. "Plus, the latest season of Clash of Crowns is only a few months away. You're lucky you get cable."
"I'm a lucky boy," Crystal Ball said sarcastically.
"Shut up!" Cobra Commander took the controls of the laser. "Just get into position."
"We are in position," The Baroness said. "This is good enough for you to doodle your name."
"No!" Cobra Commander snapped. "It's on the dark side of the moon! Nobody's going to see it!"
"All the more reason to do it here," Destro remarked.
"Oh, I see," Cobra Commander paused. "So when scientists come to study it, they will be stunned and mystified!"
Destro paused. "Yeah, let's go with that."
"One small step for man," Cobra Commander began.
"One giant headache for the rest of us," Crystal Ball finished.
"I will put you on eBay again!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Now shut up!"
ZZZZZZZZZZZZAAPP! ZZAAAAP! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAPP! ZAAAP!
BOOOOOOOOM! BOOOOOOOOOM!
"What the hell was that?" The Baroness blinked. "I thought I saw an explosion on the moon."
"So, did I," Dr. Doom remarked.
"Huh," Destro remarked. "If I didn't know any better I'd say there was something down there."
"Like what?" The Baroness asked.
"How would I know?" Destro snapped. "I'm not an astrophysicist!"
"It's the moon!" Cobra Commander snapped as he worked the controls. "There's nothing down there!"
"Uh…" Dr. Doom paused.
"What?" Cobra Commander asked.
BOOOOOOOOM!
"Nothing," Dr. Doom said quickly. "Never mind. We should go."
"Hang on! Let me finish!" Cobra Commander worked on his creation. "There! For all to read and tremble!"
Destro frowned. "Cola Commandeer?"
"It says Cobra Commander!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"No, it doesn't," The Baroness said.
"Yes, it does!" Cobra Commander pointed. "There's the B-R! And there's…"
"Only supposed to be one e in Commander!" Destro snapped.
"There is only one E!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"God your penmanship is terrible," Crystal Ball snapped.
"Will you tell them what it says?" Cobra Commander asked Dr. Doom. "Because clearly my staff is blind!"
Dr. Doom paused and squinted. "No, that definitely says Cola Commandeer."
"I told you!" Destro said.
"Fine! I'll write it again!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Maybe you should print it this time?" Crystal Ball suggested.
"Maybe you should shut your trap?" Cobra Commander snarled at him.
ZZZZZZZZAPP! ZZAPP! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZAP! ZZZAP!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"What am I hitting down there?" Cobra Commander asked. "I can barely see!"
"Uh…" Dr. Doom paused. "Perhaps we should go. You've made your mark. Literally."
"Its like something is in the way but I can't tell what," Cobra Commander remarked.
"That one looks like Coma Colander," The Baroness said.
"It's not!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Maybe you should invest in some penmanship lessons?" Crystal Ball asked.
"Maybe you should shut up before I shoot you into outer space?" Cobra Commander shouted back.
"Just put CC over there!" Destro pointed.
"Fine!" Cobra Commander blasted away. "That one worked. It must have been the surface over there wasn't right or something."
"Or something, yes," Dr. Doom winced. "I suggest we leave now."
"Don't you want to put your name on the moon?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Nope," Dr. Doom shook his head. "Doom's good. Let's go."
"When did you get so modest?" Destro quipped.
"He's not," Crystal Ball remarked. "He just doesn't want to get blamed when the…"
"Shut up Ball!" Dr. Doom interrupted. "Let's just go back to Earth! Right now!"
"Oh, all right," Cobra Commander sighed. "Anywhere else you want to go?"
Doom said the first thing that came into his head. "Reichenbach Falls. Always wanted to see that. Big fan of Sherlock Holmes and Moriarty."
"Those were good books, weren't they?" Destro remarked.
"Okay, Reichenbach Falls it is," Cobra Commander said. "Baroness, take us to the river!"
"It's a waterfall…" Crystal Ball corrected.
"I know what it is!" Cobra Commander snapped.
Twenty minutes later…
It was night out and the Cobras and Doom were looking at the falls through the window of the spaceship. "It is rather lovely," The Baroness remarked.
"Yes," Destro remarked. "Let's try not to destroy this shall we, Commander?"
"Boy a man destroys six or seven national parks and all of the sudden he gets a reputation," Cobra Commander grumbled. He was holding Crystal Ball.
"It's strange that I've never been here before," Dr. Doom remarked.
"Well you have now," Cobra Commander told him. "One of the perks of knowing someone with a spaceship."
"I want to thank you Cobra Commander," Dr. Doom said as he backed away from the window. "I needed this."
"I told you," Cobra Commander said. "A night out and some fun was all you needed."
"Actually, I was talking about your spaceship," Dr. Doom corrected. "I need this."
That was when Dr. Doom activated something on his wrists. Before the Cobras realized it they were trapped in a force field. "What the…?" Cobra Commander gasped.
"I can't move!" The Baroness gasped.
"Welcome to my world," Crystal Ball remarked.
"A force field?" Destro gasped. "Why?"
"I thought it was obvious," Dr. Doom remarked. "I'm stealing your ship for the glory of Latveria. That and I really want it."
"You betrayed me?" Cobra Commander gasped. "We TP'd the Kremlin together! We went to the moon! I took you to Reichenbach Falls! I actually gave you some decent wine! Doesn't that mean anything?"
"And he thought this date was going so well," Crystal Ball quipped.
"SHUT UP!" Cobra Commander screeched.
"Oh please!" Crystal Ball snapped. "It was so obvious you were trying to impress Dr. Dick over here. Taking a guy to the moon? On a first joyride slash rampage? Desperate much?"
"Were you this annoying when you were alive?" Cobra Commander screeched.
"Look I'm not saying this night wasn't enjoyable," Dr. Doom told him. "It's nothing personal. I just think I could do a much better job at ruling the world than you. Let's be honest here, your schemes haven't exactly been…focused."
"What do you mean?" Cobra Commander snapped. "I don't understand!"
"I do," Destro said.
"Ditto," The Baroness added.
"Oh yeah," Crystal Ball added. "That's him all right."
Dr. Doom went on. "Quite frankly Commander your dumb luck astounds me. It rivals that of some of my most hated enemies. Especially the way you drink and pop pills. You make Charlie Sheen look like a teetotaler!"
"I don't drink that much," Cobra Commander paused. "Comparatively."
"Compared to who?" Crystal Ball asked. "The entire continent of Australia?"
"He could still give them a run for their money," The Baroness admitted.
Dr. Doom went on. "Don't misunderstand me. Doom has been amused by your…adventures. The same way a child is amused by a cartoon character when he's bored!"
"That's just hurtful," Cobra Commander simpered.
"But this ship is far too powerful and impressive to leave in your incapable hands," Dr. Doom told him.
"I don't suppose you're accepting resumes?" Destro asked. "Eh, cousin?"
"No," Dr. Doom said. "You may be more tolerable than most of my relatives but you're still an obnoxious prick."
"Damn," Destro groaned. "Worth a shot."
"Oh, the irony," The Baroness looked at Cobra Commander. "Reichenbach Falls is not only the downfall of Moriarty and Holmes, but of you two!"
"I thought it had a certain literary appeal," Dr. Doom shrugged. "And I really never have been here before. And before you ask I'm not asking you Baroness to join me."
"I wasn't asking you to ask me to ask you!" The Baroness snapped. "As if I want to be around a man that has a huge undeserved ego. I'm already dating Destro."
"Excuse me?" Destro snapped.
"You heard me!" The Baroness shouted.
"SILENCE!" Dr. Doom snapped. "Your bickering would drive any man to drink!"
Cobra Commander spoke up. "How do you think I started?"
Dr. Doom snapped. "I am taking this ship and anything else valuable from Cobra's undeserving hands!"
"So basically, I'm going from one masked maniac to another?" Crystal Ball asked. "Wow this will be a change. Not!"
Dr. Doom looked at Crystal Ball. "You can keep that. Doom has no use for a talking paperweight."
"Hurtful!" Crystal Ball snapped.
"How could you do this to me?" Cobra Commander gasped. "You said I inspired you!"
"You did inspire Doom," Dr. Doom said as he took control of the ship. "You made me realize if a drunkard like you can cause so much damage with this spaceship…Doom will be invincible!"
"Way to go Cobra Commander," The Baroness glared at him. "You gave Dr. Doom the idea to steal our spaceship!"
Cobra Commander grumbled. "Boy it's getting so you can't trust anybody nowadays!"
"Honestly Commander," Dr. Doom remarked as he flew the ship back to Latveria. "This is a change that is long overdue. I may even have some use for one or two of your subordinates."
"Try it!" Cobra Commander snapped. "My men are loyal!"
"No, they're not," Crystal Ball told him.
"Most of that lot would follow anybody who gave them free donuts, soda and candy!" The Baroness added.
"Who are you kidding?" Destro asked him.
"Another reason why Doom is superior," Dr. Doom scoffed. "My subordinates fear me!"
"To be fair we do fear Cobra Commander," The Baroness spoke up. "But not in the same way your subordinates do."
"You mean you fear he will screw up so badly that he will destroy everyone and everything in his path?" Dr. Doom asked. "Including you?"
"You do understand," The Baroness remarked.
"I saw where you were going with that," Dr. Doom told her.
"HEY!" Cobra Commander shouted. "I'M RIGHT HERE!"
"In a force field," Crystal Ball told him. "Trapped by Dr. Doom because you thought going on a joy ride would make him like you!"
"I was thinking more of an ally," Cobra Commander explained. "Someone to help take over the world. A place to hide out…"
"Enough!" Dr. Doom snapped. "It's time that this ship was used properly! By me! With this ship and its secrets, Doom will be unstoppable."
"I'd prefer it if Doom stopped talking in the third person," Cobra Commander grumbled. "We all know who you are! You don't have to tell us every five minutes!"
"Doom will reign victorious!" Doom boasted. "And Latveria will no longer be disrespected! Latveria will be supreme! Latveria…"
KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Will burn to the ground?" Crystal Ball quipped.
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON DOWN THERE?" Dr. Doom flew over his country to find mass confusion, chaos and fire everywhere. Buildings were burning in every direction. Including Doom's castle.
"Oh right," Cobra Commander realized. "We left the Dreadnoks down there."
"LATVERIA IS ON FIRE!" Dr. Doom screamed. "HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?"
"I just said we left the Dreadnoks down there," Cobra Commander said in a deadpanned tone. "What part of that is confusing to you, oh great Doom?"
"BLOOOOOOOP! BLOOOOOOOOOOOP!"
Dr. Doom shouted. "ARE THOSE GIANT GREEN BLOBS EATING MY CITY?"
"And Mindbender," Cobra Commander added. "We left him too."
"Boy those Eddie Juniors are going to town on Doomstat," Crystal Ball remarked.
"There won't be a town when those things are finished," The Baroness said.
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"BLOOOOOOOOOOP!"
"Wow," Crystal Ball remarked. "That blob gulped down an entire house in two seconds flat. Hope there weren't any people in there."
"BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!"
"Okay there were definitely some people in that wagon," Crystal Ball went on. "At least the horse got away. Oh no…Another blob got him. Never mind. Poor horsie."
CRASH! SMASH!
BLOOPP!
"Your robot enforcers don't seem to be fairing any better either," Destro remarked.
SMASH!
KABOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Those blobs are going through them like the Dreadnoks go through donuts," The Baroness remarked.
"This is why I can never take a vacation," Cobra Commander sighed.
"We really should learn by now that we can never leave those idiots unsupervised," The Baroness agreed.
"We really should," Destro admitted with a sigh.
"Doom will handle this!" Dr. Doom snarled as he fired the lasers. "Eat light you abominations!"
ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP! ZZAAPPPPPP!
"BLOOOOOOOOP! BLOOP! BLOOOOOOOOP!"
"BLOOP!"
"What the…?" Doom gasped at what he saw. "The lasers made the blobs split in half! They're multiplying!?"
"Yeah that doesn't work on those things," Cobra Commander remarked. "We tried that before. In one of those other dimensions. Which one was it?"
"Dimension 52," Destro reminded him.
"Oh, dear Serpent Gods of the Netherworld!" Cobra Commander groaned. "That's right! How could I forget that disaster?"
"I'm guessing the copious amount of alcohol you consume is a factor," Destro drawled.
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Now that is one big fire," Crystal Ball remarked. "What do you think that building used to be?"
"Probably a bar," Destro guessed.
"Oh, the humanity," Cobra Commander sighed.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"There goes a church," Cobra Commander remarked. "Boy that thing really is burning up fast."
"St. Doomenstien is one of the oldest wooden churches in the world!" Dr. Doom shouted.
FOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Correction," The Baroness said. "It was one of the oldest wooden churches in the world."
"Now it's one of the oldest piles of burning ashes in the world," Crystal Ball quipped.
"AAAGGGGGHHHH!" Dr. Doom fired lasers in anger at the blobs. Which of course only made them multiply.
"Yeah keep firing lasers in anger," Crystal Ball quipped. "That's an extremely well thought out plan!"
"You are going to need our help with this," Destro told Dr. Doom.
"Mindbender would know how to defeat his own creations," The Baroness added.
"He never really told us how to do it," Cobra Commander said quickly. "Let's just say it was easier to leave than to destroy them. But with our help we can get rid of those blobs!"
"Doom does not need help!" Dr. Doom snarled. "Least of all from the likes of you!"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"On the other hand," Dr. Doom sighed. "Since this is technically your mess…"
"We'll clean it up," Cobra Commander sighed. "But first we have to corral the idiots. Which would be easier if we uh…?"
"Fine," Dr. Doom grumbled as he removed the force field. "Where do you think they are?"
"Where's your treasury?" Destro asked.
"They wouldn't dare steal from Doom!" Dr. Doom snarled.
"Wanna bet?" Crystal Ball quipped.
Sure enough, most of the other Cobras with Zartan in the lead were running for their lives in the courtyard of the castle, laden with as much treasure as they could carry. "Cor, can you believe how much loot Doomy has in his castle?" Torch huffed as he carried a huge bag.
"Not anymore!" Zartan snickered. The Cobras laughed behind him.
"STOP RIGHT THERE!" Dr. Doom bellowed on the intercom as the spaceship appeared.
"Cobras stay where you are," Cobra Commander was heard.
"Uh oh…" Zarana gulped as the spaceship landed.
"The party's over," The Crimson Twins said as one.
"What did you people do?" Dr. Doom stormed out of the spaceship with the other Cobras. "How did you set my entire kingdom on fire? IN ONLY A FEW HOURS?"
"Well it was a team effort," Torch spoke up.
"Shut up!" Cobra Commander hissed. He was still carrying Crystal Ball.
Doom glared at Cobra Commander. Cobra Commander gulped. "Henchmen. What are you going to do?"
"Something very painful and violent," Dr. Doom growled.
"Zartan," Destro's voice was filled with authority. "You were supposed to watch the others."
"I did," Zartan admitted. "I watched as they started fights and caused chaos."
"Well you can't blame him for that," Cobra Commander quipped.
"And I watched where the treasury was so…" Zartan indicated the sacks of gold and jewelry the Cobras had.
"You dare to steal from Doom?" Dr. Doom shouted.
"Dude you stole our spaceship!" Cobra Commander shouted. "You really can't complain!"
"That is a little hypocritical," Crystal Ball added. "And after Cobra Commander gave you some good wine too."
"I know! Right?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Remind me to kill you all later," Dr. Doom snarled. "After we deal with the blobs!"
"MY LORD! HELP! HELP! MY LORD!" Henrick ran up to them, his clothes torn and smudged. "MONSTER! MONSTER!"
"The blobs yes I know!" Dr. Doom snapped. "I could see them a mile away!"
"No, my lord!" Henrick gasped. "Vampire! A vampire is running amok! It just killed fifteen of your guards, several dozens of citizens and it ate your cordwainer!"
"Not Gianni!" Dr. Doom gasped.
"Tore his throat out and chugged him like a beer stein!" Henrick was terrified. "I was lucky to get out with my life!"
"Looks like Blood Wing did get a bite to eat," Crystal Ball quipped. "Or a dozen."
"What?" Dr. Doom glared at the Cobras.
"Oh yeah," Torch looked around. "I was wondering where old bird brain went."
"He must have gone for a snack after he changed back into human form," Ripper agreed.
"WHAT?" Henrick shouted. "Are you telling me that talking bird was…?"
"A vampire yes," Tiffany nodded. "It's a special kind of Mexican vampire that turns into a turkey during the day. Weird. I know."
"Thank you, Dreadnoks!" Destro groaned.
"You're welcome!" Torch grinned.
"Oh, there you are!" Blood Wing walked over in his human form. His shirt was covered in blood. "Sorry I went off. I just had to get a bite to eat. I guess it's this Latverian air that just made me so ravenous!"
"Great timing turkey," Cobra Commander groaned.
Dr. Doom shouted. "You lot let a vampire loose in my country?"
BOOOOOOOM! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
CRASH! SMASH!
FOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"IT'S CLOBBERING TIME!" Ben Grimm's voice was heard.
"Apparently that's not the only thing that's loose," Destro remarked. "By the sound of those explosions I assume the Fantastic Four got out."
"Forget it!" Dr. Doom growled as he powered up his gauntlets. "Doom doesn't want or need your help! Doom is going to wipe you lot off the face of the Earth!"
"Uh not me right cousin?" Destro coughed.
"Yes, you!" Dr. Doom snarled. "You're still a blight on the family tree!"
"I'm a blight on the family tree?" Destro shouted. "Mister I Get My Ass Kicked By The Fantastic Four Every Other Week?"
"At least Doom is not a second-rate failed arms dealer!" Dr. Doom snarled.
"I was a first-rate arms dealer and you know it!" Destro snarled. "I just happened to get mixed up with the wrong crowd! It could happen to anyone!"
"It happened to you," Dr. Doom snarled. "Face it Destro, compared to me, you're third rate! None of your schemes ever worked!"
"Oh really?" Destro snapped. "My scheme to frame you and inherit great grandmother's fortune worked pretty well!"
"What?" Dr. Doom growled.
"I put on your mask and made sure that senile old bat saw me break Orla's Vase!" Destro snapped. "Sure enough, she disinherited you, leaving the path clear for me to inherit her fortune. Which didn't take long since Mother put a pillow over her face to smother her in her sleep. Those two never did get along."
"You dare to frame Doom?" Dr. Doom roared.
"You deserved it you pompous pin head!" Destro snapped. "Always boasting how much better you are than the rest of the family. And one more thing…"
"What?" Dr. Doom snarled.
Destro make a quick flick of his wrists. Out of his gauntlets shot out some mini rockets that hit the wall behind Dr. Doom. The stones fell down on Dr. Doom and Henrick. "You're not the only one who has weapons in his wrist gauntlets!" Destro snapped. "In fact, I'm the one who taught you that trick!"
Dr. Doom however used the force field in his own wrist gauntlets to protect himself and Henrick, forcing the rubble to hover in midair. "Fool!" Dr. Doom snarled. "You really thought those pathetic lasers would crush Doom?"
"And me!" Henrick called out.
BOOOOOOOOOOOM!
CRASH!
FOOM!
"No," Destro said calmly. "But that trick can delay you long enough for us to make an escape. Since you can't take down the forcefield without crushing yourself or your lackey. And since a good butler slash scheduler is really hard to find…Just saying."
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"DOOM! WE'RE COMING FOR YOU!" Reed Richards was heard nearby.
"I CAN'T WAIT TO CLOBBER YOUR TIN-PLATED FACE!" Ben Grimm was heard.
"Something tells me we have overstayed our welcome," Destro told Cobra Commander.
"Yes," Cobra Commander coughed. "A good guest knows when to leave."
"You think you're a good guest?"' Crystal Ball asked.
"Good enough!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Let's roll!"
"By Doomy!" Torch called out as the Cobras made off with his treasure.
"We had a lovely time!" Xamot called out.
"Thanks for the party favors!" Tomax added.
"COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBRAAAAAAAAA!" Dr. Doom roared in rage as the Cobras ran into their ship.
"Boy it's getting so you can't trust anybody nowadays," Henrick grumbled.
"Should we tell Doom that alcohol destroys those blobs?" The Baroness asked as they prepared to leave.
"Eh," Cobra Commander waved. "I'm sure he'll figure it out. Eventually."
"Yes," Destro said icily as he took the controls of the ship. "If he's so smart he can solve this problem himself!"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"BLOOP! BLOOOP!"
"IT'S CLOBBERING TIME!"
FOOOOOOOOM!
"Something tells me Doom has a lot of problems he needs to solve," Zartan remarked as the ship flew away.
"Hang on Destro," Cobra Commander looked out the window. "One last parting gift for our host. Fly over that volcano."
"You want to fire a laser in it and cause a chain reaction?" Destro asked. "I'm in."
ZZZZZZZZAAAAPPP!
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
RRRRRRRRUMMMMBLEEEEE!
"And here comes the lava!" Torch said excitedly. "Look at that thing spew!"
"My cousin may need to do some major remodeling of Doomstat," Destro remarked as he piloted the ship away. "That is if he survives the night."
"That was fun," Crystal Ball said cheerfully.
"We must do it again," The Baroness said sarcastically.
"I don't even want to know what happened or how it all started," Cobra Commander looked at his subordinates. "And at this point I don't really care."
"Well…" Buzzer coughed. "I admit things got a tiny bit out of hand during the drinking while throwing knives competition."
"I said I didn't want to know," Cobra Commander told him.
Zarana added. "I may have lost my temper during the Trivia Contest and punched out the moderator. And then shot him."
"I don't want to know," Cobra Commander groaned.
"To be fair," Zandar spoke up. "That was after I got caught making out with that guy's wife and I ended up accidentally killing him in self-defense. And then it turned out he was the head of some department."
"I don't want to know," Cobra Commander sighed.
"I forget what he was," Zandar went on. "Was he the Minister of the Interior or just a regular minister?"
"He couldn't have been a regular minister," Zarana said. "He didn't have a collar."
"Oh right," Zandar realized. "But the guy Monkeywrench cut in half did! That guy was a minister."
"I was just riding along on a joyride after I stole this really cool looking motorcycle from Doom's garage," Monkeywrench defended. "You know? Just riding around using a chain saw to cut up mailboxes! Not my fault the guy was in my way!"
"I don't want to know," Cobra Commander repeated.
"Long story short," Buzzer said. "We started another brawl."
"Which turned into a bigger brawl," Ripper added. "And then it spilled out into the streets which became a riot."
"And then it really got out of control," Monkeywrench added. "When Zartan caused that huge explosion!"
"In my defense," Zartan spoke up. "I had no idea there were fireworks stored in that barn."
"I don't want to know," Cobra Commander repeated.
"We also knocked over a few candles during the fights," Buzzer added. "You know the ones on outdoor tables? That started a few more fires."
"As well as actually starting some other fires," Torch added.
"I don't want to know," Cobra Commander groaned.
"I may have run over someone's dog," Monkeywrench added. "At least I think it was a dog."
"Don't care! Don't want to know!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"The Head of the Royal Guards said a very nasty comment about me," Tiffany added. "So I had to snap his neck."
"Which led to all those other guards attacking and we killed them…" Buzzer added. "And then more guards attacked and we ended up fighting and killing those guys."
"And then more guards came," Monkeywrench added. "And we had to kill those guys…"
"You can see where this is going," Zandar remarked.
"Fortunately for us, Latverian guards are really lousy shots," Ripper added.
"They don't even know how to use a flamethrower to save their lives," Monkeywrench added.
Buzzer added. "Which was pretty ironic because so many of them were burned to death."
"I sort of got a little carried away when I found this rocket launcher," Torch added.
"I don't want to know," Cobra Commander snapped.
"Boy did I blow up a lot of buildings with that," Torch snickered. "And possibly an orphanage."
Cobra Commander emphasized. "I don't. Want. To. Know!"
"I definitely blew up that police station!" Torch grinned. "And everything around it."
"I say I don't want to know," Cobra Commander sighed. "They tell me anyway."
"We thought we'd steal some valuables…" Xamot spoke up.
"During the confusion," Tomax added. "From the castle vaults."
"I also decided to do that," Firefly admitted. "And joined the Crimson Twins. I blew up part of the castle and a street to make even more confusion."
"Which let the Fantastic Four out?" Destro asked.
Firefly admitted. "That may have added to the situation, yes."
Mindbender spoke up. "I may have lost my temper when I got into an argument with those Latverian scientists. Looking back letting loose some Eddie Juniors and having them destroy the lab was not the best way to settle an argument."
"And of course, they ended up destroying half the city," Destro added. "The half that wasn't burned."
"Or eaten," Cobra Commander looked at Blood Wing. "I'll right. I'll bite. Which I admit are ironic words to say to a vampire. Why did you go on a bloody rampage this time?"
"I had to settle a score," Blood Wing explained. "Dr. Doom's great grandfather and I have some history. And I was expelled from Latveria. Long story."
"I don't want to know," Destro groaned.
"Short version," Blood Wing remarked. "Doom's family are a bunch of pricks who wouldn't know a good time if it bit them! So, I bit a few of them. They chased me off with some stakes and pitchforks. I vowed bloody revenge if I ever returned to Latveria…Yada, yada, yada."
"You were just setting a score," Torch remarked.
"Exactly," Blood Wing nodded. "Okay full disclosure, I think I may have accidentally turned one or two more people into my species of vampire during the rampage. Some of my victims were a bit drunk and I got a little tipsy. I remember having the thought, hey these ladies look hot? Why can't they be vampires like me? Or was it one lady and a really cool looking dude? I think they were boyfriend and girlfriend because they were making out in those bushes. I definitely didn't kill them. I know that. I killed all those other people. But not them. But there's a chance they may become vampires."
"I said I didn't…" Cobra Commander did a double take. "What do you mean turned more people into vampires like you?"
Blood Wing blinked. "Never mind. Not important."
Destro sighed. "So to recap…We not only destroyed two capital cities, we stole toilet paper from a warehouse which we used to TP the Kremlin. We did some interstellar graffiti. We made an enemy of Doctor Doom when we destroyed his castle, stole from his treasury, trashed his country, murdered several of his subjects, erupted a volcano, let loose several man-eating blobs and the Fantastic Four who are probably arresting him again as we speak…And started a possible vampire infestation."
"And we killed his cordwainer," Crystal Ball added. "He seemed really upset about that."
Destro sighed. "We are so going to get kicked out of the Masked Society for this. They really frown on members destroying other member's countries."
"This is why we don't network much," Cobra Commander sighed.