Play To Win Part I
"Let me see if I get this straight," Cobra Commander looked at the monitor where the Baroness' face was. "There's a fifty-million-dollar fortune at stake. And almost all the actual relatives are dead and have been replaced by either Cobra operatives, former Cobra operatives and those from Mongoose Incorporated?"
"Yes," The Baroness sighed. "Except for the GI Joe Bazooka and his friend Alpine."
"Of course, there's a Joe in this," Destro said sarcastically. "It wouldn't be a Cobra venture without a Joe mucking it up!"
"And the way this fortune will be determined," Cobra Commander paused. "Is by a scavenger game?"
"Yes, we have less than 24 hours to bring a certain number of items on a list," The Baroness sighed. "I'm transmitting the data as we speak to Destro's pad. The only rule is that you can't buy any of the items."
"I'm taking an educated guess that wasn't going to happen anyway," Destro remarked.
The Baroness went on. "The plan is that you help our team get several items and we will get the rest. Giving us an advantage over the other teams!"
"And besides the Joes…" Destro paused. "Who are the other teams?"
"That bimbo Deming and her latest whatever you would call it," The Baroness grumbled. "Black Out. He was part of the HISS group Firefly was in. Which by the way, Firefly tried to pull a fast one on us by pretending to be a relative and taking all the money for himself."
"WHAT?" Cobra Commander hissed.
"We convinced him to save his skin by joining our team," The Baroness said with distaste. "Along with Poison whom he recruited."
"Who?" Cobra Commander asked.
"She used to be known as Munitia," The Baroness explained.
"Who?" Cobra Commander asked again.
"I know right?" The Baroness scoffed. "Talk about raking the bottom of the D list!"
"I remember her," Destro realized. "She was also part of the HISS unit."
"Of course, you would remember her!" The Baroness bristled.
"What does that mean?" Destro shouted.
"What do you think?" The Baroness shouted back.
"Here we go again…" Tomax sighed.
"I wish they'd both go away," Xamot whispered to his brother.
"For God's sake Baroness!" Destro snapped. "Are you seriously going to be so irrational about every woman I have had a passing acquaintance with? I never even spoke to the woman! I just remember her hanging around with Firefly and What's His Name back at the pyramid we hid out in!"
"Black Out," The Baroness reminded him.
"Should I be jealous because you know that?" Destro asked sarcastically.
"Can we please put the romantic comedy Destro And The Baroness on hold for a moment?" Cobra Commander hissed. "Baroness you said that Mongoose Incorporated had a team. Who?"
"Raptor," The Baroness informed him. "Along with Grimm Skull and Infrared."
"Who?" Cobra Commander asked.
"I don't know who those other two are either," Torch admitted.
"You don't even know your real name!" Tiffany snapped.
"Neither do you!" Torch retorted.
"I have a pretty good idea!" Tiffany shouted.
"So do I!" Torch shouted back.
"Will you two shut up?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Hang on," Tomax blinked. "I remember Infrared. I thought he was dead."
"That was the first Infrared," Xamot corrected his brother. "Infrared II replaced him."
"Oh right," Tomax realized. "She was one of our top guards."
"This Infrared is a woman?" Destro asked.
"Trust you to ask that," The Baroness grumbled.
"It's a legitimate question!" Destro shouted. "I don't even know this woman! That's why I asked!"
"I'm asking why you two are still together," Crystal Ball remarked. He had been placed on his usual pedestal.
"I know right?" Cobra Commander looked at him. "It's not just me?"
"Oh god no," Ripper shook his head.
"Seriously," Tiffany said. "You two really need to see a couples' counselor or something."
"They need to break it off once and for all!" Xamot protested.
"This bickering as well as the will they/won't they crap is so annoying!" Tomax agreed.
"It was annoying in the 80's," Buzzer said. "Now it's just pathetic."
"Their relationship is not an example of will they or won't they…" Crystal Ball explained. "More like they shouldn't and never going to happen!"
"I got a lawn gnome!" Zartan was heard calling behind her. "Did you tell them yet?"
"I'm telling them now!" The Baroness snapped. "Look the plan is simple! You gather half the things on that list. Meet us a block before the mansion twenty-four hours from now. We collect the stuff and put it with our stuff and we win the money! That plan is so easy even the Dreadnoks could pull it off!"
"It sounds like a rip-off of some bizarre low rated 70's movie," Destro remarked.
"It was a 70's movie," Crystal Ball told him. "79 to be precise."
"There was a scavenger hunt movie?" Torch asked. "What was it called?"
"Scavenger Hunt!" Crystal Ball snapped. "It had a lot of stars in it! Dirk Benedict. James Coco. Cloris Leachman. Roddy McDowall. Richard Mulligan…"
"The guy who was in Soap and Life Goes On?" Ripper asked.
"Yeah," Crystal Ball told him. "Scatman Crothers…"
"I remember that movie!" Cobra Commander realized.
"You should," Tomax told him.
"We ran it at least once a month on movie nights!" Xamot added.
"And it was on HBO like every other week for years," Crystal Ball added. "I'm serious. I remember that!"
"Oh right," Destro said. "It was basically a rip off of It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. Without the punchlines."
"I don't know," Cobra Commander shrugged. "Richard Mulligan had his moments in that film."
"Will you stop talking about the movies?" The Baroness snapped. "We have less than 24 hours to win fifty million dollars!"
"Okay direct Zandar and Zarana to work with you," Cobra Commander told her. "We'll pick them up after we dump our end of the list off with you."
"We've already directed them to get one of the items," The Baroness told him.
"Which one?" Destro asked.
Let's check and see, shall we?
"AAAAAAAAHHH!" Zandar and Zarana still wearing their lawyer outfits ran for their lives as they carried some plastic flamingoes.
"COME BACK WITH MY FLAMINGOES YOU PUNKS!" An older short woman carrying a shotgun chased after them.
BLAM! BLAM!
"EAT LEAD BITCHES!" The older woman shot at them.
"Why do we always pick the houses that have psychotics living in them?" Zandar shouted as they ran.
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
"At least she's a lousy shot!" Zarana said as the old lady blew up mailboxes, shrubs and everything else around them, but not hitting them.
Back to the spaceship…
"Okay fine," Cobra Commander waved. "We'll get a whole bunch of items. You get the rest. We'll call you back in five hours to check on your progress. Cobra Commander out!"
"This is degrading," Destro groaned as he looked at his pad. "A scavenger hunt…"
"I think it might be rather fun," Tomax remarked.
"I agree," Xamot nodded.
"You would," Destro groaned.
"Cool they even put pictures on the list," Torch grinned as he looked over Destro's shoulder. "That's right helpful!"
"Do you mind?" Destro snapped.
"No, not really," Torch remarked.
"Destro you realize we have the advantage here, right?" Cobra Commander snapped. "With our increased numbers and a freaking spaceship full of advanced technology at our disposal we can win this and the millions of dollars easily!"
"I'm the only one who thinks that using advanced technology to win a scavenger hunt is stupid?" Destro shouted.
"It's called having an edge," Cobra Commander told him.
"This whole situation is putting me on edge," Destro groaned.
"Let me see the list," Cobra Commander looked. "Huh, some items we can get multiple of. That's handy."
"Too bad idiots aren't on the list," Destro drawled. "We'd clean up."
"Look," Torch pointed. "For every one of these we get fifty points! All we gotta do is get hundreds of them!"
"It's a toilet, Torch!" Destro shouted as he read the list. "What do you want us to do? Run around and steal every toilet from every house in the city?"
"He's right," Cobra Commander said. "That's ridiculous."
"Exactly," Destro nodded.
"What we should be doing," Cobra Commander went on. "Is hit those large buildings in the business district area! They have dozens of toilets in each building! We can easily get a hundreds of points with one raid alone!"
"Oh God…" Destro groaned. "I knew my life was going down the toilet."
"But you didn't think it would happen literally, did you?" Crystal Ball asked. "Well technically that already happened when you were in that sewer."
"Can we put a cloth over this thing or something?" Destro snapped as he pointed at Crystal Ball.
"Can we put a cloth in your mouth?" Crystal Ball quipped. "That would make life much more pleasant for all of us!"
"Ha!" Cobra Commander snickered. "It's funny because it's true!"
"God I need a career change," Destro groaned.
Meanwhile…
"I need a career change," The Baroness hissed. She was still in her disguise sitting in the front seat of a large white van with Zartan at the wheel. Poison and Firefly were in the back as well.
"Testify," Firefly groaned.
"This is so humiliating," The Baroness groaned as she looked at the store across the street. "Who puts a blow-up doll as well as other…sex toys on a scavenger hunt list?"
"Someone who knows how to have a good time?" Poison quipped. "What are you complaining about? Mindbender is the one who went in there."
"He volunteered," Firefly remarked.
"Of course, he did," The Baroness groaned. "He's probably a preferred customer. He and that skank Deming would have no problems with that part of the list. I bet Deming has half those items in her own closet!"
"I have to ask," Poison looked at The Baroness. "What did Deming do to make you hate her so much? I mean, besides her winning personality. What? Did she sleep with Destro?"
"No!" The Baroness huffed. "But not for lack of trying I suspect."
"Then what was it?" Zartan asked. "You don't even hate the Joe women as much as you do her. And they threw you in jail a few times!"
"Yeah, I never understood that either," Firefly admitted.
The Baroness huffed. "It was bad enough that she was so obvious, sleeping with the Twins in order for her to get ahead. Using her sexuality instead of her…other assets."
"What other assets?" Poison quipped.
"And it was even worse that she refused to acquiesce to her betters," The Baroness sniffed. "Acting above her station. But I could have forgiven that. All of that. But she did something unforgivable!"
"What?" Zartan asked. "What did she do?"
"Do you remember the night of the Cobra Ball in 82?" The Baroness asked.
"I believe I do," Zartan nodded.
"I picked out a perfect pair of shoes to go with my dress," The Baroness snarled. "A stunning set of Louboutin gold and black you would die for. I went into the Cobra Salon the afternoon before the ball. I saw Deming there. She snubbed me and was laughing and cackling like a hen. I didn't care. I ignored her. When I went to check on my outfit my shoes were missing and my new dress was ripped!"
"What does that have to do with Deming?" Zartan asked.
"I saw her at the ball wearing my shoes!" The Baroness snapped. "It wasn't hard to put it together. Especially the big clue was when she said, 'Of course I took your shoes. They fit me better anyway.'"
"Is that why you started shooting at her in the middle of the ball?" Firefly asked.
"Unfortunately, I missed and that wasn't the worst of it," The Baroness snarled. "I learned that while I was having my hair treatment and facial she snuck in and put some kind of chemical that made my hair frizz up so badly you would have thought I shocked by lightning!"
"How could she…?" Zartan asked.
"I had cucumbers on my eyes," The Baroness explained. "And she was quiet so…"
"Is that why you wore that turban all night?" Firefly realized.
"YES!" The Baroness hissed. "I was lucky I didn't go bald!"
"I get it. It's one thing to mess with a woman's man," Zartan understood. "It's another thing to mess with her looks!"
"I totally understand now," Poison nodded. "Never did like that bitch!"
"Here he comes…" Zartan pointed at Mindbender who was running out of the store carrying several items. Including a very surprised looking blow-up doll.
"Go! Go! Go! Go!" Mindbender called out as he shoved the items into the back.
"Why do these things always have that weird look on their face?" Firefly asked as the blow-up doll was shoved into his hands. "I mean they have to know what's coming, right?"
"I've never found that to be a turn on," Zartan admitted. "If anything, it's a turn off because it creeps me out!"
"I know!" Firefly said. "If I want to sleep with something with a vacant look in her eyes, I'll just date one of my exes again!"
"You have exes that are still alive?" Poison asked.
"Mostly," Firefly admitted.
"Will you just go?" Mindbender shouted. "We have to get out of here now! NOW!"
"Why? What's the…?" The Baroness did a double take. "Is that smoke coming from that store?"
"GO!" Mindbender shouted.
"We're gone!" Zartan sped off, knowing full well hanging around was not a good idea.
"Do we want to know exactly what happened back there?" Firefly asked. "Or can we feign ignorance at the trial?"
"With all the things we've done you think that strategy would work?" The Baroness asked.
"Good point," Firefly admitted. "Well Mindbender?"
"Just a minor burglary and arson," Mindbender admitted. "As well as a slight case of accidental homicide."
"Oh, for the love of…" Zartan groaned.
"For the record," Mindbender snapped. "I didn't think I punched him that hard. And what the hell was he doing with one of those poker things with the sharp end out right in the middle of the wall?"
"Some people are into some real twisted stuff," Firefly remarked. "Look who I'm talking to!"
"Hopefully the fire will destroy all the evidence," Mindbender told them.
"Have you noticed our body count has increased since the 90's?" Zartan realized.
"Is that a problem?" The Baroness asked.
"No," Zartan shrugged. "Just making conversation."
"Let's just rendezvous with Zandar and Zarana," The Baroness sighed as she picked up her phone. "They can't be far from here. What was the item they were supposed to get next?"
"A pot of geraniums," Mindbender told her. "How hard could it be to get that?"
Well…
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
Zarana and Zandar were running for their lives from a different old lady who was shooting at them with a shotgun. Zandar was holding a small pot full of flowers. "I am not being paid enough for this!" Zandar shouted.
"Shut up and run!" Zarana shouted. She then saw something. "Hey! Hey! Guys! It's us! Stop the bloody van!"
The van with the other Cobras came to a screeching halt. "Let us in while she's reloading!" Zartan screamed as he ran up to the van.
"EAT LEAD YOU FLOWER STEALING HIPPIES!"
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!
"GO! GO! GO!" Firefly shouted as the other two Cobras got in. "GET US OUT OF HERE!"
"I know that voice!" The old woman shouted. "You're that punk who tried to sell me Amway on the phone!"
"GET US OUT OF HERE!" Firefly shouted.
"I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN A DEGENERATE LIKE YOU WOULD BE BEHIND THIS YOU PUNK!" The old woman screamed. "EAT LEAD!"
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
"AAAHH!" The Baroness gasped as the bullets grazed the van. "DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!"
It wasn't long before Zartan drove away. "Did we lose her?" Zarana gasped.
"Well we're on the freeway now so…" The Baroness groaned. "I think we're safe. No thanks to you idiots!"
"We got the plant okay?" Zandar snapped. "It was Firefly's voice that set her off!"
Everyone looked at Firefly. "I was going through a dry spell financially okay?" Firefly snapped. "I wasn't getting as many calls for sabotage as I used to. Apparently, people prefer to blow stuff up themselves. So I figured…"
"No! I don't want to hear it!" The Baroness snapped.
"Telemarketing?" Mindbender looked at Firefly in disgust. "For shame!"
"That is low, even by our standards," Zartan snarled.
"Couldn't you have taken up stripping or something?" Poison asked him.
"Can we just forget this and get the next item on the list?" Firefly snapped. "What is it?"
"A clown head," Mindbender looked at the list.
"Seriously?" The Baroness was stunned.
"How close are we to Washington DC?" Poison quipped.
"No, not that kind of clown," Mindbender told her. "Or the other kind. We have to get a clown head from a Joker in the Joint drive up box."
"Ugh I hate those things," The Baroness groaned.
"I like them," Mindbender said.
"You would," The Baroness groaned.
"Well there's one just up this street so…" Firefly said as he looked at his phone.
"I don't think we can use that one," Zartan remarked.
"Why not?" Poison asked.
"Because it's on fire," Zartan pointed.
Sure enough, the entire burger joint was on fire. "GO! GO! GO!" The familiar voice of Deming was heard as another van sped away.
"Figures," The Baroness growled. "Let's steal that head away from them!"
"I think that might not be the best plan," Zartan paused as the sounds of police sirens were heard.
"Yeah let them have that one," Firefly agreed.
"Maybe we'll get lucky and the cops will get them?" Poison asked.
"Don't hold your breath," The Baroness groaned. "Let's get something else on the list."
"Statue bust…" Zandar looked at the list. "And a library book. Oh wait, there's a place where we can actually get both!"
"Where?" Mindbender asked. The others gave him a look. "Oh right, a library."
"Are you sure you're a doctor?" Poison asked.
"Legally or other?" Mindbender asked.
"I withdraw the question," Poison groaned. "I will ask this one. What's the plan?"
"All we have to do is go to the nearest library and cause a minor distraction while the rest of us gets the stuff," Zartan explained.
Twenty-five minutes later…
BOOOOOOOOOOM!
"THIS IS YOUR IDEA OF A MINOR DISTRACTION?" Zartan was heard screaming as the library caught on fire.
"JUST GRAB THE LOOT AND RUN!" Firefly shouted.
"COME BACK WITH THAT BUST YOU WHIPPERSNAPPER!" An elderly woman screamed.
"MY HAT! THEY STOLE MY HAT!" Another old woman shouted.
"GET THEM!" A third old woman screamed.
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
"AAAAAHHH!" Zartan shouted as he ran out of the building holding a bust.
"ISN'T THERE A LAW AGAINST CARRYING WEAPONS INSIDE A LIBRARY?" Mindbender shouted as he ran with Zandar carrying some more items. "Boy! Some people have no respect for the law!"
"How many old ladies packing heat are there in this town?" Zandar shouted.
"Just run!" Zarana shouted as she carried a few more items.
The Baroness and Poison were in the van. The Baroness was at the wheel. "Come on!" Poison shouted.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
"GO! GO! GO!" Zartan screamed as they jumped into the van.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
"AAAAHHHH!" Zandar screamed as he was nearly shot. The van sped away.
"God I've been to remote corners of the world where angry natives weren't so hostile…" Zartan groaned as he put down the bust.
"Some people take libraries very seriously," Mindbender shrugged.
"Look we got a whole bunch of things on the list," Zarana showed them. "We got the statue bust, a library book, an old lady's hat…"
"With some bullet holes in it," Zandar remarked.
"A DVD," Zarana went on. "A stuffed toy giraffe which they had decorating the children's section. A calendar. A paperweight. And a cake pan."
"Another charge of arson…" The Baroness added.
"Hang on," Poison realized. "A cake pan? In a library?"
"Yes, they rent out cake pans of all sorts of different shapes and sizes," Zarana said as she showed them. "I got Scooby Doo."
"Huh," Zartan was impressed. "I didn't know that. Learn something new every day."
BOOOOOOOM!
"What the hell?" The Baroness shouted.
Firefly looked back. "I think those extra bombs I left in the men's bathroom were a bit overkill."
"You think?" The Baroness shouted.
"Looks like the fire department is going to be very busy today," Mindbender remarked.
Meanwhile…In a high-profile brokerage firm across town.
"AAAAHHH!" Several well-dressed brokers ran for their lives as they were chased by Tiffany, Ripper and Buzzer throughout the building.
"Will you idiots stop chasing the brokers and get to work?" Destro shouted in the hallway. "Buzzer stop sawing those desks in half! We have work to do!"
"And by we you mean us," Buzzer groaned as he walked up to him.
"I am not dismantling a toilet," Destro growled.
"That's why we brought them," Cobra Commander sauntered out of a room with some kind of bucket in his hands filled with items.
"Commander I just…" Destro did a double take. "What do you have in your hands?"
"A bottle of champagne," Cobra Commander showed him. "Some odds and ends out of an office. A wastebasket literally filled up with crumpled up 100-dollar bills…"
"You're joking?" Destro's jaw dropped.
"No, seems like that is a real thing and not just in the movies," Cobra Commander nodded. "And a bottle of some kind of pills. I don't know what they do or what they are. But it will be fun to find out!"
"A future trip to a Fear and Loathing Rip Off aside…" Destro let out a breath. "At least we're getting something somewhat respectable."
"Respectable bloody hell," Buzzer looked at the basket. "With all those drugs, booze and money? I should have been a broker!"
"That would require for you to be able to count," Destro drawled. "Speaking of which aren't we supposed to be procuring other items?"
"Relax Destro," Monkeywrench was heard. "We got this!"
"Literally!" Torch giggled as they walked by. They were carrying some strange ray guns and behind them floated dozens of toilets.
"What the deuce…?" Destro did a double take.
The Dreadnoks laughed at that. Even Cobra Commander. "Oh, come on, Destro! That's funny! And ironic!" He snickered.
"Poor choice of words aside…" Destro sighed. "How…?"
"Mindbender told us to check out the weapons systems for some kind of levitation gun he saw in the ship's registry," Monkeywrench explained.
"All we had to do was point and shoot," Torch grinned.
"Right after we flushed them of course," Monkeywrench added. "Safety first."
"We did all the other levels below us," Tiffany said as the other Dreadnoks walked up to them carrying loads of items. "This is the top floor. Last one."
"And boy did we get a haul!" Ripper showed his box. "I wonder what these pills do?"
"This is what Roddy McDowell should have done," Torch grinned.
"How did you shut off all the water?" Destro asked.
"Uh…" Monkeywrench paused and looked at the others.
RRRRRRUMMMBLEE!
"THAR SHE BLOWS!" Buzzer shouted as a cascade of water started to flow through the building.
"COBRA RETREAT!" Cobra Commander screamed.
"It's like we're back in the sewers again," Destro moaned.
Within a few hours, several buildings in the business district were literally overflowing with water that was going out into the street. Some of it falling out of windows like bizarre waterfalls.
"Well that went well," Cobra Commander said cheerfully as he watched through the window of the spaceship.
"Commander!" Destro snapped. He was soaking wet. "I am literally covered in…"
"Yes, Destro I can smell it!" Cobra Commander winced. "Ugh good thing I got in the ship first."
"Thank you for shoving me behind you!" Destro growled.
"Oh, calm down Destro," Cobra Commander snapped. "And you're dripping all over the floor. How many toilets have we gotten so far?"
"598," Tiffany said. "We broke a couple during the last raid."
"Sorry," Torch called out. "We just wanted to see what would happen if they fell from on top of a building."
"That explains those ambulances down below," Destro sighed as he looked out the window. "I think we have enough Commander. More accurately, I have had enough!"
"Oh, come on Destro," Cobra Commander waved. "We can raid one more building!"
"There's a Lie-Man Brother's building right there," Tiffany pointed.
"Full speed ahead!" Cobra Commander pointed.
"I'm out…" Destro growled. "I'm going to take a shower and change my clothes!"
"We have a shower on this ship?" Torch asked.
"It's in the back with the ship's toilets," Destro snapped as he walked away, making squishing sounds. "Trust you to not notice!"
"Maybe you could wash away some of your attitude as well as the smell?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"If only I could wash away the mistakes I've made in my life," Destro grumbled. "Such as joining Cobra! Say what you will about the Joes but I bet even they wouldn't stoop to stealing toilets!"
"Oh, like those goody-goodies could do that!" Cobra Commander sniffed.
Meanwhile…
"No, Bazooka we are not doing that!" Alpine snapped as he drove the van full of various items.
"But it's fifty points each!" Bazooka said.
"I don't care if it's fifty-thousand!" Alpine snapped. "We are not calling General Hawk and asking if we can borrow some toilets!"
"But the Joes let us borrow nearly everything else on the list! It's not like we can just take a toilet from somewhere," Bazooka said. "And we could use the points. Those other teams seem pretty on the ball."
"It's bad enough we had to borrow Airtight's blow up doll," Alpine groaned. "I mean I would think Shipwreck would have one but no he didn't…"
"Why do you think it looks so surprised?" Bazooka asked as he looked at the doll behind them in a seat.
"It's Airtight, Bazooka!" Alpine snapped. "Why wouldn't it have that look on its face? God only knows what he really uses it for. Knowing him, it's more for experiments than…I don't want to know!"
"Come on Alpine!" Bazooka pleaded. "It can't hurt to call!"
"You don't know that," Alpine groaned. Then he saw something. "Hang on…"
He stopped the van in front of an abandoned house. "Huh…" Alpine thought. "Maybe we can get a toilet after all?"
"Oh good, I need to pee…"
"No, you dumb Bazook!" Alpine rolled his eyes. "For the scavenger hunt!"
"From that old house?" Bazooka asked.
"No, Bazooka," Alpine said sarcastically. "From the Tooth Fairy! Yes! That old house! Which is clearly abandoned. And has been for some time."
"You want to steal a toilet from there?" Bazooka asked.
"It's not like anyone is using it!" Alpine said as he pulled closer. "And we're on a remote road that's miles from any neighbors. Who's going to know?"
"I'll know!"
"Hey! You wanted a toilet! There has to be at least one in there!" Alpine pointed. "Probably hasn't been used in a while. Except maybe by raccoons…"
"That's actually happened," Bazooka admitted. "My Uncle Earl had this outhouse and those raccoons were always…."
"Fascinating story, Bazooka," Alpine interrupted. "Remind me to never ask you about it again. Come on!"
"Are you sure this is okay?" Bazooka asked as Alpine grabbed some tools from the back. "What if someone comes and asks us what we're doing here?"
Alpine looked around at the deserted road. "We'll tell them we're toilet inspectors. Come on."
"It's a nice house. I wonder why it's foreclosed?" Bazooka asked as they went up to the door.
Alpine tried the lock. Only to have the entire door fall down before them. "That might be a clue," He said dryly. "At least we don't have to pick the lock. Come on."
"Wow…" Bazooka looked around the large decrepit house. "It's big."
"This must be one of those old mansions they had back in the day," Alpine remarked. "Like something one of those silent movie stars had. I wonder who owned this place?"
"Maybe it was Lupe Valez?" Bazooka shrugged his shoulders. He responded to Alpine's look. "It's possible!"
"Let's just get the nearest toilet and get the heck out of here!" Alpine noticed a closed door. "Oh, this might be it!" He opened the door.
It was a bathroom. With a raccoon sitting on top of the toilet.
Alpine closed it quickly. "That one's occupied," Bazooka said simply.
"Let's just keep looking," Alpine groaned as they moved on.
Speaking of moving on…Let's see how the Cobras in the van are doing.
"Okay I'll have ten double cheeseburgers," Zartan ordered in a box with a clown's head on it. "With five large orders of regular fries…And five large orders of curly fries…"
"Slow down Zartan," Firefly hissed as he and Zandar tried to get the clown head off of the box. "We need time!"
Out of the speaker a voice came. "Mawwwah. Whawma wah wha?"
"I said…" Zartan shouted into the speaker. "Double. Cheese-burgers!"
"Muah wah ha?"
"I don't think that's going to be a problem," Zandar huffed.
"DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER!" Zartan shouted.
"Muah muah waah?"
"It's like we're in a Peanuts cartoon," The Baroness groaned. "This explains why Lucy was always crabby."
"Will you hurry it up?" Zarana whispered. "Get that thing off!"
"What do you think we're doing?" Firefly hissed. "Composing a film score for a new movie?"
"Fred?" Someone was heard saying clearly on the speaker. "Is that muah muah?"
"Oh crap," Firefly groaned.
"Fred MUAH!" An angry female voice was heard. "Where the muah have you muah? You have muah! Muah! And I've been muah-ing over your muah…"
"Is there something you'd like to tell us?" Zandar looked at Firefly.
"Not particularly no," Firefly sighed.
"YOU MUAH! MUAH!"
"Do we really need this?" Firefly hissed. "It won't come off anyway!"
"Oh, for crying out…" Poison had come out and took out strange club. She pushed a button and a laser came out of it. She used it to cut the head off. "What? I'm a Star Wars fan! I made my own lightsaber! No big deal!"
"If you want something done right!" Zarana snapped. "Get a woman to do it!"
"Amen to that, sister," The Baroness agreed.
"I'm impressed," Zartan remarked. "I admit it."
"Fred you…" The mumbled voice disappeared.
"Let's just grab the thing and go!" Poison snapped as a number of horns started to honk behind them.
"Oh fine!" Firefly grabbed the head.
"STOP THIEVES!"
BANG, BANG!
"Oh, for crying out loud!" Firefly snapped as the jumped into the van with the head.
"I KNEW THAT WAS YOUR VOICE FRED!" A female employee with a gun had come out. "YOU BASTARD!"
"GUN IT!" Firefly shouted. "Michele doesn't miss often! Those were warning shots!"
"Michele?" Everyone else asked.
"JUST GO!" Firefly shouted.
Zartan did and barely escaped the gunfire. "FRED YOU SON OF A…" Michele screamed and shouted a number of obscenities.
"I think I liked it better when I didn't understand what she was saying," Mindbender groaned.
"Michele?" Poison asked Firefly.
"Don't ask…" Firefly groaned. "Just please don't ask…"
"Oh, but we must," Zartan said cheerfully.
"What the hell did you do to that woman?" The Baroness asked.
"Okay fine," Firefly groaned. "Before the telemarketing thing I managed to scam my way into the corporate headquarters of Joker In A Joint. I met Michele in Human Services…"
"And you did some things not covered in the employee handbook I'm guessing," Zarana said sarcastically.
"It's the same old story," Firefly admitted. "Man meets woman in the office. Man sleeps with woman even though technically she's his boss. Man embezzles a ton of money and sleeps with another one of his female bosses. Woman finds out and has a nervous breakdown in the middle of a board meeting using guns and a bagel knife. The police and ambulances are called. Woman gets demoted to cashier at some remote restaurant. Man burns down his office to cover his tracks and moves out of state. Same old. Same old."
"That's all you did?" Zarana asked sarcastically.
"Well…" Firefly paused. "There was one other tiny little thing. I also stole her credit card and her car. And sold the car. Man, that was a weird month in my life."
"Firefly if I were you," Zandar said. "I would either learn to change my voice or never talk again!"
"I tell you," Mindbender remarked. "Cobras have the most interesting lives outside of our agency."
"It's the fact that they have any lives at all astonishes me," The Baroness groaned.
Let's go back to Alpine and Bazooka, shall we?
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Alpine and Bazooka screamed as they ran for their lives, carrying a toilet between them.
RRRRUMMMBLEEE!
Several racoons, rats, bats, birds, squirrels and insects flew out after them, scattering to the wind right before the building collapsed behind them.
"Whoops," Bazooka gulped as he looked back.
"Okay," Alpine panted. "In my defense…I had no idea that pipe supported a load bearing wall. Kind of a structural hazard if you think about it."
"Well…" Bazooka blinked. "At least we saved the toilet."
Alpine looked at Bazooka. "If anybody asks, Cobra did this! Got it?"
"Yup," Bazooka nodded.