Play To Win Part II
"I think we have enough toilets, don't you?" Destro snarled as he pointed to the huge collection of toilets in the spaceship's hold.
"Oh, fine Destro," Cobra Commander waved. "It's not like we didn't get enough extra goodies raiding all those business firms. What's next on the list?"
"Let's see…" Destro looked at his pad. "I'm checking the updated list with Zartan's team. They've crossed off quite a few items on their own. I don't believe it. Next is a chicken!"
"Bawwwk…" The blue chicken strutted by.
"Done," Cobra Commander shrugged.
"Unfortunately, not a live one," Destro sighed. "Either a stuffed toy of a chicken or a chicken mascot from a restaurant."
"Oh," Cobra Commander nodded. "Shame. I bet we would have gotten extra points for the color."
"I think we destroyed every Clucky Chicken restaurant on the planet," Destro sighed. "Which means we'll have to go to another restaurant."
"Or we could get a chicken doll at a toy store!" Torch spoke up as he walked over.
"I can't believe I'm saying this," Destro blinked. "But I prefer Torch's idea. Dear God. Hell has frozen over."
"You do?" Cobra Commander did a double take.
"I have had enough of chicken restaurants to last a lifetime," Destro snapped. "And then some! In fact, I am now convinced that Hell is actually a giant chicken restaurant!"
Torch blinked. "That would explain why it's usually so hot. With the ovens and the deep fryer…"
"Remind me to deep fry you one of these days!" Cobra Commander snapped as they made their way to the bridge. "But since I'm already bored of destroying restaurants. Why not? Where's the nearest toy store? Or place that sells toys or whatever they do nowadays?"
"Let me check my phone," Destro took it out. "It has Map Journey. Ah here it is. Mr. Fribble's Toy Emporium. It's only a few minutes from here."
"Is it near that big fire down there?" Ripper pointed.
"What the…?" Destro did a double take. "Oh, come on! It can't be…"
Cut right to the sight of Mr. Fribble's Toy Store. Which indeed was on fire.
Back to the spaceship…
"Was that us?" Monkeywrench was confused as the Cobras watched the fire from the spaceship bridge. "Did we do that?"
"Nope," Crystal Ball remarked.
Destro contacted the Baroness. "Baroness this is Destro. Did your group recently go to Mr. Fribble's Toy Store on fifth and main to acquire a stuffed animal? Particularly a chicken?"
"No," The Baroness told him. "We did get a stuffed giraffe as well as a few other items when we burned down a library. But no toy stores."
"Huh," Destro blinked. "It wasn't us. That's odd."
"Well if we didn't do it," Cobra Commander blinked. "Who did?"
"Well…" Crystal Ball spoke up.
Cut to the real perpetrators.
"BOOK IT!" Deming ordered Black Out as he drove the van loaded with items. Including a stuffed chicken and a stuffed giraffe.
Back to the spaceship, shall we?
"Okay so we'll go to another toy store," Cobra Commander waved. "Or is there anything more valuable we can get?"
"I'm looking at the list now," The Baroness said. "Keep driving Zartan."
"Don't give me orders!" Zartan snapped.
"I will because I am team leader!" The Baroness snapped.
"Since when?" Zarana asked.
"Just somebody look at the list and see what else is on it!" Destro groaned.
"You can get a suit of armor," Zartan called out. "That's on the list. I remember seeing that."
"Does it matter what century?" Destro asked.
"It doesn't say," The Baroness said. "What difference does it make?"
"It's a big difference if it references a specific time period," Destro told her. "Different armors represented different time periods and regional styles. I don't want points taken off if we get a Lamellar armor when they wanted a more traditional German based full plate."
"Now you're just trying to show off," The Baroness groaned.
"I am not showing off," Destro told her.
"Yes, you are!" The Baroness snapped. "You love to impress people with your fancy education."
She then proceeded to mock Destro's accent. "Ooh! I had private tutors since I was two! I've gone to The Glasgow Academy. I've gone to Secret Rich People's School in the Caribbean. I've got a degree from Cambridge! Blah! Blah! Blah!"
"First of all," Destro growled. "I have masters degrees from both Cambridge and Oxford! And I worked hard for my grades!"
"If by working hard you mean you coasted by on your money, then yes! You worked hard!" The Baroness growled.
"I had very good memorization skills as a child!" Destro snapped. "Is it my fault I excelled in the classroom because of that?!"
"Yeah you memorized your bank account!" The Baroness snapped.
"At least I went to a real college," Destro growled.
"Oh right, let's go there!" The Baroness snapped back.
"Let's not!" Cobra Commander interrupted. "Let's get back to this game and win it! Then I can get my hands on those millions of dollars and show up those Mongoose Incorporated bastards! And GI Joe. But you know? That part goes without saying."
"You're madder at Mongoose Incorporated than the Joes?" Crystal Ball asked.
"The Joes didn't turn my office into a day care!" Cobra Commander snarled. "And threw out my scotch!"
"Mess with a man's personal space and alcohol," Crystal Ball quipped. "You pay the price."
"Exactly!" Cobra Commander snapped. "There are only two Joes anyway we have to worry about! As long as we keep our cover we're fine! The real threat is Raptor's group and Mongoose Incorporated!"
"You're right," Destro admitted. "We have to beat Mongoose Incorporated for the wounds they inflicted on us. It's a matter of honor."
"By stealing, lying and cheating our way to victory!" Crystal Ball said cheerfully. "Yeah that's real honorable!"
"Are there any Mongoose Incorporated buildings in this area?" Destro asked.
"Now that you mention it," Xamot realized. He and his brother looked at a nearby computer map.
"There are two," Tomax added. "A corporate office building."
"And what is possibly the last Clucky's Chicken restaurant in existence," Xamot added. "Just a few blocks from us."
"Then that's where we will get the chicken," Destro announced. "And then…One more toilet raid! But we're going to take more than that this time!"
"Technically we did take more the last few raids," Cobra Commander mused. "Oh, why not! Okay! Baroness, Zartan! Your team goes and gets the suit of armor! Cobra Commander out!"
"Let me see if I get this straight," Firefly groaned. "While the others get the fun of trashing Mongoose Incorporated, we have to steal a suit of armor? From a museum?"
"Looks like it," Zartan groaned as he drove off.
"I knew I should have stayed out of this," Firefly groaned.
"That's what you get for double crossing," The Baroness warned.
"Why did you bring me into this?" Poison asked.
Meanwhile at the museum…
"Why do I have to wear this?" Bazooka asked. Alpine was helping him put on the suit of armor in a room at the museum.
"This is your scavenger hunt," Alpine told him. "I'm the one who convinced the museum to lend this to us."
"How did you do that again?" Bazooka asked.
"I told you," Alpine waved. "My friend who works there owed me a favor. Now let me get the helmet on."
"Why can't we just carry it?" Bazooka asked as he took off his regular helmet.
"Because…" Alpine paused. "This is a good look on you!" He plopped the helmet on Bazooka's head. "Now I'll bring the van around and pick you up."
"This is one of your dumb practical jokes on me," Bazooka groaned. "Which you like to put on your phone. Isn't it?"
"Noo…" Alpine said as he took some pictures of Bazooka with his phone. "I'll go get the van. Come on! Be a team player! We want to win this thing, right?"
"I guess," Bazooka sighed. "I hate saying this but there's something about my other relatives that seem a little off."
"They're your relatives," Alpine pointed out. "They're a lot off!"
"Yeah but more than usual," Bazooka explained.
"I hear you. There is something about that Bruno guy that sounds so familiar," Alpine remarked. "Like I've seen him before."
"I thought that too!" Bazooka realized. "But I can't remember where."
"Look! I'll get the van," Alpine said. "You can walk right?"
"Oh yeah," Bazooka did so. Very slowly.
"Good at that pace we should be there by next week," Alpine groaned as he went to get the van. Bazooka began to move at a very slow pace.
Meanwhile outside the Cobras had pulled up to the museum. "Okay so what's the plan?" Zartan asked.
"I thought you had a plan?" The Baroness asked.
"You're the so-called leader," Zartan snapped. "You come up with the plans!"
"My plan is for you lot to figure out a plan," The Baroness snarled.
"Great leadership, Baroness…" Firefly groaned.
"You are on thin ice mister!" The Baroness growled.
"The armor is 150 points," Zandar pointed out. "We could get multiples of something else on the list."
"I'm not passing up a 150-point target!" The Baroness snapped.
"Well it's not like one of us can put on a suit of armor and just walk out…" Zartan began. Then did a double take.
A suit of armor was casually strolling out the door of the museum. "Maybe you can do that?" Poison asked.
"Okay…" Bazooka was walking along. "I think I've got a rhythm now! Yeah! I'm moving! I'm moving!"
DOING!
"Oooh!" Bazooka was stunned as Firefly hit him on the head with a hand-held mace and he passed out on the ground.
"Well that's a freebee," Zartan said cheerfully. He was with Firefly, Zandar and Mindbender.
"Where did you get the mace?" Mindbender asked. "Is that an item on the list?"
"No, it's from my personal collection," Firefly admitted.
"It's nice," Zandar said.
"I had it specially made," Firefly said.
"Really? Who's your mace guy?" Mindbender asked.
"Shut up and help me drag this guy into the van!" Zartan ordered.
"Wouldn't it be easier just to take the armor off first?" Mindbender asked.
"Just get one of his legs!" Zartan snapped. "Before someone sees us!"
"HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Alpine was heard shouting.
"RUN!" Zartan shouted as they grabbed Bazooka and ran as fast as they could to the van.
"HEY! HEY!" Alpine snapped as the gang fled into the van and sped away. "Wait a minute…That van is…Damn it!"
"Only Bazooka could get knocked out and kidnapped while wearing a full suit of armor!" Alpine got into the van and drove off after them. "At least I know where they're going!"
Just then his phone rang. Fortunately, Alpine had positioned it with a small device in the cupholder. "Alpine here!"
"Alpine we have a situation," Duke told him.
"So do we! Bazooka just got kidnapped by one of the other teams," Alpine explained.
"What? How? Why?" Duke asked.
"He was wearing a suit of armor and it's over a hundred points for the scavenger hunt," Alpine groaned.
"Why was he wearing the suit of armor in the first place?" Duke asked. "Why didn't you just carry it out?"
"That's not important," Alpine snapped. "The problem is they knocked out Bazooka and is taking off with him."
"That's not all that's being taken off," Duke groaned. "Cobra has gone on a major rampage! They just blew up another chicken restaurant and stole their statue mascot!"
"What is it with Cobra and chicken restaurants lately?" Alpine mused.
"But that's not all," Duke groaned. "Cobra using that damn spaceship has attacked and raided several buildings in the business district. Get this, they've been stealing toilets! They took hundreds of them. Half the block is flooded now!"
"Hang on…" Alpine realized something. "Did you just say toilets? Hundreds of toilets?"
"Yes," Duke said. "Weird I know. Why would Cobra steal toilets?"
"I think I have a clue," Alpine groaned.
Meanwhile back in the van…
"Why didn't you just take the suit off the guy?" Poison asked.
"It would have been easier," The Baroness remarked as she drove the van.
"Look we still have several hours before the scavenger hunt is done," Zartan said. "We'll discard everything in the pens Ambrose set up for us. Then we'll rendezvous with the others. Take the toilets and anything else they got. Load it in the van and then claim the reward! It's that easy!"
"Shouldn't we take the armor off this guy first?" Mindbender asked. "In case he wakes up and walks over from our pen to someone else's?"
"Shut up Mindbender!" The Baroness snapped.
"That's what happened in the movie," Mindbender pointed out.
"He does have a point," Firefly admitted.
"Uhh…" A voice was groggy under the mask. "I know that voice…"
"Just shut up and we'll handle this," Zartan groaned.
"Remember Zartan to use your Thrasher voice," The Baroness warned. "And you Firefly, don't use yours!"
"I know, woman!" Zartan snapped. "I've only been doing this forever!"
"Nag, nag, nag…" Firefly grumbled. "No wonder Destro is always looking around."
"WHAT?" The Baroness roared.
"Uhhh…" Bazooka groaned.
"Oh right…" Firefly realized what was happening and whacked Bazooka again with the mace, knocking him out. "I forgot about the helmet effect. I may have to keep doing that."
"Or you could just take off the damn armor!" Mindbender snapped.
"He does have a point," Poison agreed.
"Thank you!" Mindbender said. "By the way, please don't take this the wrong way."
"Which means she will…" Zandar remarked.
"But there's no chance you and I will have any kind of romantic encounter is there?" Mindbender asked.
"Oh, for the love of…" The Baroness groaned.
"What?" Mindbender snapped. "I'm trying to get any romantic tension out of the way! So are you interested in me or…?"
"No," Poison shook her head. "But I do appreciate you asking. Saves me the trouble of shooting you later if you ask really inappropriately."
"Okay then," Mindbender nodded. "Is that so hard for Destro to do?"
"To be fair if there was a choice between you or Destro…" Poison paused. "I'm probably shoot myself. But on the off chance I was out of bullets, I'd pick you. I figure you at least have some decent drugs so I could forget the whole thing. And not as much baggage as Destro."
"HA!" Mindbender snapped at the Baroness. "See? Not every woman throws herself at Destro!"
"Only the really desperate ones," Zarana remarked.
"WHAT?" The Baroness growled.
"Didn't you date Destro for like a week?" Zandar remembered.
"Only to advance my career and standing in Cobra," Zarana waved. "And to annoy the Baroness but that was just gravy. It's not like I slept with him."
"No, you were too busy making googly eyes at that Joe!" Zartan snapped. "What was his name again?"
"Mainframe…" Bazooka said groggily. Firefly casually knocked Bazooka out again with the mace. "Ohhh…"
"That's right, Mainframe!" The Baroness snorted. "Talk about a winner!"
"At least I could trust that Joe to not pick up a venereal disease!" Zarana snapped.
"All right, in the first place," The Baroness snapped. "It was technically not a venereal disease! It was a rash that covered various body parts. And we didn't get it from sex! We got that from that time we had to hide in that god forsaken swamp lair of the Dreadnoks for a week!"
"I was referring to that trip Destro took to the Netherlands and visited the red-light district in Amsterdam," Zarana said cattily.
"He went there on business!" The Baroness snapped.
"Oh, he was down to business all right," Firefly chuckled. "I remember that trip. I went with him because I had a job to do. I had to blow up a patent office for Cobra Commander."
"Why?" Zartan asked.
"Something about a new soda drink," Firefly shrugged. "Or some new thing Cobra Commander wanted to sell as part of some crazy world domination scheme. I don't remember. The point is, before I created a huge fire and a minor international incident I distinctly remember Destro headed towards the part of town where prostitution was legal!"
"Why do you think I didn't sleep with the man?" Zarana asked. "To be fair, Destro told me he wanted to wait at least a couple of weeks to make sure the penicillin worked."
"Oh right," Zandar realized. "You dated Destro a few weeks after that trip. I remember because when he got back I overheard him go on and on about how much fun he had with Helga. The one with the very sturdy hips."
"And I remember prescribing him that treatment," Mindbender nodded. "It worked!"
"He told me he had the flu," The Baroness growled.
"Oh, he had that too," Mindbender told her. "He wasn't lying about that. He just left out the part where those little warts on his…"
"ENOUGH!" The Baroness shouted. "JUST SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"
"Why are you two still together?" Zarana asked. "Even you can find someone better that Destro!"
"Are you sure it's not the other way around?" Firefly asked.
"What part of shut up are you confused by?" The Baroness snapped. "The up or the shut?"
"Hang on!" Zartan realized. "We have to let Zandar and Zarana out!"
"Why?" The Baroness asked.
"We're not supposed to have any help outside of our family? Remember?" Poison snapped. "Cuz?"
"Oh right," The Baroness pulled over. "You two can get out here and call the ship to pick you up."
"You're going to leave us out in the middle of the street?" Zarana snapped.
"You're lucky we don't drop you in the gutter where you belong!" The Baroness snapped.
"We're in a neighborhood in Beverly Hills," Zartan pointed out. "Not the most dangerous place in the world. Hell, our backyard growing up was more dangerous than this!"
"Our kindergarten was more dangerous than this," Zandar admitted. "You would be amazed how many pretend knife fights got out of hand."
"That's true," Zarana remarked as they got out of the van. "I think we can take whatever they've got around here."
"Burrrrrooooo! Burrrooooooo! Buhhhhrrrrrooooo!"
"What the hell is that?" Zandar looked around.
"If I didn't know better I'd say…" Zarana then saw. "Oh, bloody hell! RUN FOR IT!"
"AAAHHH!" Zandar and Zarana ran. Soon dozens of ostriches ran by calling out.
"Okay this is something you don't expect to see in Beverly Hills," Mindbender blinked.
"Where the hell did all those ostriches come from?" Zartan shouted. "And why are they running amok?"
"YEEEHAAAAA!" Black Out's voice was heard.
"MOVE IT LITTLE OSTRICHES!" Deming called out as she rode in the van with Black Out using a whip to motivate the birds, practically hanging out the window.
"Oh," Mindbender looked at the list. "Ostrich. 40 points. You can get multiples of them."
"Where did she get the whip?" Zartan blinked.
"Her bedroom," Both Poison and The Baroness said at the same time.
"You want to try and snag one for us?" Firefly asked.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Zandar and Zarana were heard screaming.
"Ehhh…" Everyone else shrugged.
"Let's just go," The Baroness said as she drove off.
"DON'T LEAVE US HERE!" Zarana screamed as she and her brother were left hanging in a tree being pecked at by ostriches.
"COMMANDER! COBRA COMMANDER! OW!" Zandar attempted to call in help using his communicator. "WE NEED A PICKUP NOW! OOWWWW! PICK UP! PICK UP! PICK UP THE PHONE DAMN IT!"
"What the hell are those morons doing?" Zarana shouted. "OW! GET YOUR BLOODY BEAK OUT OF MY BOTTOM!"
Interesting question. As for what the Cobras in the spaceship were doing…
"HA HA HA HA HA!" Ripper and Buzzer laughed as they chased several people with chainsaws up and down the halls.
VVRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Monkeywrench chased more people down the hall while riding his motorcycle. "YEEEHHAAAA!"
POP! POP! BANG! BANG! POP! POP!
Tiffany happily skipped around throwing firecrackers into rooms. And setting a few fires on desks.
"La de dah…" Cobra Commander walked through the chaos happily carrying a box full of items. "Springtime for Cobra and tyranny…"
"HA HA HA HA!" Destro laughed as he used his laser blaster to blow up several computers in a bullpen.
"You're having a good time," Cobra Commander said cheerfully.
"It took me a while," Destro shrugged. "But I believe I am starting to get into the spirit of things."
"Better late than never," Cobra Commander nodded. His communicator beeped. "Speaking of which. What?"
"COMMANDER HELP! HELP! GET US OUT OF HERE!" Zandar and Zarana were heard along with several hissing and booming sounds. "HELP! HELP! WE'RE BEING ATTACKED BY OSTRICHES! AAAAAHHH!"
"An ostrich attack?" Destro blinked. "In Beverly Hills?"
"Must be on the list," Torch remarked as he walked up to them. "We got all the toilets!"
"MONGOOSE INCORPORATED! CHARGE!" Several people shouted.
Then several blasters were heard. "Looks like they're staging a counterattack," Destro remarked as he wisely moved out of the line of fire.
"MONGOOSE INCORPORAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATED!"
"That's their battle cry?" Destro was not impressed.
"It doesn't really roll off the tongue does it?" Cobra Commander asked.
"It doesn't," Destro shook his head. "I've always thought that our battle cry was rather good."
"That's because it's simple and takes advantage of the guttural sound at the end," Cobra Commander explained. "Co-brraaaaa! The Brah sounds like a growl. It just makes it pop."
"Co-bra!" Torch said. "It's like punching somebody with your mouth!"
"MONGOOSE INCORPORAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY…."
"That just sounds like a Fonzie rip off," Torch pointed out.
"Especially when the Dreadnoks are setting them on fire," Cobra Commander nodded.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"
"They just don't make battle cries like they used to," Destro sighed. "Shame. It's a lost art."
"It really is," Cobra Commander agreed.
"HELP US!" Zarana's screams were heard from the communicator. "WILL YOU BLOODY PICK US UP ALREADY? AAAAHHHH!"
"I suppose we must," Destro sighed.
"It's fine," Cobra Commander waved. "I think Mongoose Incorporated got our message."
"Yeah, this party is starting to get a little hot," Torch pointed to a room filling up with smoke. "If you get my drift."
"Cobra retreat?" Destro asked casually.
"Yuuup," Cobra Commander remarked.
Meanwhile back at the mansion…
"I'm telling you they stole Bazooka!" Alpine said to Ambrose on the lawn of the mansion. There were several open pens for where the contestants could store the items. "That has got to be against the rules!"
"You should disqualify them," Raptor said quickly. His team had just unloaded a lot of items. "Stealing another contestant isn't fair."
"I agree," Infrared said quickly.
"Disqualify them," Grimm Skull added. "Do it. Do it!"
"Technically I can't," Ambrose frowned. "If there's no proof."
"Fine if you see a suit of armor walking around then you know it's him!" Alpine snapped.
"Oh, like those idiots wouldn't be smart enough to take the armor off!" Raptor snickered. "Then again…"
"What is that noise?" Infrared heard something in the distance.
"Oh, dear lord!" Ambrose gasped when he saw a large flock of ostriches headed right towards them.
Everyone scattered as ostriches ran amok everywhere. Deming and Black Out pulled up in their van. "Just dump everything!" Deming ordered Black Out as she grabbed items out of the van and started throwing them into the pen. "Then get the birds!"
"Do I look like an ostrich wrangler to you?" Black Out snapped.
Meanwhile the Cobra team had pulled up. "Just start throwing things in the van," Zartan said using Thrasher's voice.
"Get away! Get away birdie!" Alpine snapped as an ostrich started to chase him. "No! Bad birdie!"
Alpine was so distracted he didn't notice when the Cobras dumped Bazooka into the pen with all the other items. Everyone else was a tad distracted as well.
"Get away from me, you stupid bird!" The Baroness hissed as an ostrich poked at her. "Back off!"
"Just keep throwing stuff in the pen!" Poison snapped as she and the others did so.
"AAAAHHH!" Ambrose screamed as he held onto a tree for dear life as an ostrich tried to peck him.
"Get out! Get away!" The Baroness shooed the ostrich away. Then the sex doll hit her in the head. "Watch it!"
"Sorry," Zartan quipped. "Must have slipped."
"Here birdie! Here birdie!" Raptor whistled and dug out some birdseed from his pocket. An ostrich cooed and followed him into the pen. "Nice birdie! Good birdie!"
"Hey! Hey!" Deming snapped. "He can't do that! He can't do that! I stole…I mean liberated those ostriches fair and square! He can't take one of my birds!"
"This is why I always carry birdseed in my pocket," Raptor said as the ostrich followed him into the pen. With a nod to Grimm Skull the two of them managed to wrap a small rope around the bird's neck and tie it to one of the posts of the open pen.
"He's stealing one of my birds!" Deming snapped. "Ambrose do something!"
"There's nothing in the rules that says an object can't wander into someone else's pen!" Raptor snapped.
"He's right," Ambrose admitted. "Could someone help me please?"
"Should there be like a door or something in the pen?" Mindbender asked. He had switched back to his Swedish accent. "So that you could close it or something?"
"Just shut up and keep putting objects in!" Zartan snapped.
"Good idea," Alpine realized what to do and lured the ostrich that was chasing him into Bazooka's pen. He grabbed a small rope from his kit and managed to make a loop around the ostrich's neck.
"He's stealing my birds too!" Deming screamed as she pointed at Alpine.
"It followed me!" Alpine managed to tie it up and was able to get out of its way. "Nothing in the rules about that."
"You are the last person to complain about stealing!" Raptor snarled at Deming. "That's how you got kicked out of our organization the second time!"
"What goes around, comes around!" Grimm Skull agreed.
"That's right," Zartan realized. "I heard you went back to them."
"And we kicked her out again! For good this time!" Raptor snapped.
Deming glared at Black Out who was throwing things out of the van into their pen. "Are you just going to stand there and do nothing?"
"Nothing?" Black Out snapped. "Woman I'm the one putting your junk into the pen! It's not like I'm just standing there screaming!"
"Testify," Zartan grumbled.
"Don't knock it," Alpine remarked. "Her screaming is scaring off most of the birds!" He pointed that the majority of the flock had run off into another corner of the lawn.
"Oh, that is better," Ambrose groaned as he noticed that the bird tormenting him had left. He slid out of the tree. "Okay this is a little more organized."
"Organized?" The Baroness snapped. "You're just standing there doing nothing! You're even more useless than my so-called team!"
"Hey! Watch it!" Poison snapped. "We've been pulling our weight which is more than I can say for you!"
Firefly was about to speak, but then remembered not to. He nodded his head vigorously.
"I knew I shouldn't have taken this job," Black Out grumbled.
"What?" Alpine did a double take.
"Shut up!" Deming snarled at Black Out.
"You shut up!" The Baroness snarled.
"Both of you shut up!" Zartan told them.
"Tell your lackey to mind his place!" Deming sneered.
"Who are you calling a lackey, you third rate Jezebel?!" Zartan glared at her.
"You see why I hate her right?" The Baroness asked Zartan.
"Oh yeah," Zartan nodded.
"Definitely," Poison agreed.
"Ya," Mindbender nodded.
"At least not all of my skills are in the bedroom," Zartan quipped.
"At least I have skills," Deming shot back. "And unlike you, I'm smart enough to recruit people who have an IQ higher than a kumquat!"
"I swear to God I'm going to thrash you!" Zartan shouted as he made a fist.
"Thrash…Wait a second," Alpine gasped. "I remember now! He's that Dreadnok! Thrasher!"
"No, he's not!" The suit of armor spoke as it sat up.
"What the…?" Ambrose gasped as somehow the suit of armor got to his feet.
"Hey! Stop you can't move out of the pen!" The Baroness snapped as Bazooka started to walk out.
"There's nothing in the rules that says he can't," Ambrose admitted.
"Shut up!" The Baroness snapped. "You milk toast in weasel's clothing!"
"If ostriches can wander into a pen," Alpine snapped. "Bazooka can wander out of one!"
"He's right," Ambrose said.
"You are absolutely no help at all!" Poison snapped at Ambrose.
"Bazooka!" Alpine grinned as Bazooka took off his helmet and walked to his pen. "Glad to see you made it!"
"And Mr. Katzenberg gets an extra 150 points!" Ambrose said cheerfully.
"Told you that would happen!" Mindbender looked at the others.
"I heard the whole thing!" Bazooka said pointing at Zartan. "That's Zartan under that mask! And that's the Baroness and Dr. Mindbender! And he had Zandar and Zarana helping him!"
"Oh, my goodness!" Deming gasped in horror. "You mean that's not my real cousin?"
"Oh, give me a break!" The Baroness screamed. "Who are you trying to kid, Cadet Deming?"
"I have no idea what this impostor is talking about," Deming whistled innocently.
"Hang on," Alpine realized. "I remember you too lady! You were with Cobra!"
"Were! Past tense!" The Baroness snapped as she pointed to Raptor and his team. "The same goes with Raptor and his crew over there!"
"Seriously?" Raptor shouted.
"I have no idea what these people are talking about," Infrared said innocently.
"Don't even try!" Deming snapped. "If I go down, I'm taking all of you with me!"
"Shut up!" Raptor snarled.
"With the exception of the GI Jerk, none of us are related to the old geezer," Deming explained. "We all killed various relatives of this old man in a weird coincidence just to get his money."
"And you wonder why you were fired?" Infrared snarled.
"So much for being a team player," The Baroness sneered. "No wonder Mongoose Incorporated kicked you out!"
"At least I wasn't stupid enough to kidnap a Joe!" Deming shouted.
"Why didn't you take off the armor at least?" Black Out asked.
"That's what I said!" Mindbender protested.
"That was really stupid," Grimm Skull nodded.
"Black Out?" Alpine realized. "Is that you?"
"Yeah…This is awkward," Black Out winced. "How's my sister doing? We didn't exactly leave things well after I set fire to all that luggage."
"What do you think this is?" The Baroness snapped. "A damn reunion?"
"Well technically…" Bazooka began.
"Oh, what the hell?" Zartan removed his mask. "There! Now you know! I'm not Thrasher! I'm just impersonating that idiot!"
"Zartan?" Bazooka gasped. "You're impersonating one of your own Dreadnoks?"
"Yes!" Zartan snapped. "It turns out Thrasher is actually related to the late Mr. Cross. I'm just impersonating him to get the cash!"
"Then why the hell didn't you just get Thrasher to come here?" Alpine asked.
"Because he killed Thrasher years ago when he got too annoying!" Firefly snapped. "And has been collecting his inheritance checks all this time!"
"Oh, thanks a lot!" Zartan snapped.
Bazooka and Alpine did a double take. "Firefly?!"
"Oh, for the love of…" Firefly groaned.
"That's what you get for snitching," Zartan snapped.
"You're trying to play both sides aren't you Firefly?" Raptor snapped. "You're supposed to be working for us!"
"I was," Firefly admitted. "Until Cobra Commander killed Copperhead. Now I'm with him. It's nothing personal, he made me an offer I couldn't refuse!"
"Wait a minute," Alpine looked around. "You guys aren't even on the same side?"
"Well since Mongoose Corporation kicked out Cobra's leadership," Mindbender snapped. "I would say not!"
"What?" Alpine and Bazooka asked as one.
"They used to be part of Cobra but they took over most of our operations in a coup!" Mindbender added.
"Shut up Mindbender!" The Baroness snapped. "They don't need to know that!"
"Why?" Zartan asked. "Seriously, let those jerks get a taste of what we go through!"
"Thanks a lot creep!" Infrared shouted.
"It wasn't that hard seeing how incompetent you morons are!" Raptor snarled.
"At least we're not on the D list!" Zartan snapped. "With Infrared and Grimm Skull over there!"
"Who?" Bazooka and Alpine did a double take.
"I know, right?" The Baroness asked. "Those hangers on were barely Cobras in the first place!"
"Hang on!" Ambrose called out. "If none of you people are actual relatives of Mr. Cross except for…" He looked at Bazooka. "That means this whole scavenger hunt is null and void!"
"Are you saying Bazooka wins the whole fifty-million-dollar fortune?" Alpine gasped.
The Baroness rolled her eyes. "It's true. If you want to know what God thinks of money, look who he gives it to."
"All the more reason for us to take it!" Zartan snapped as he pulled out his blaster.
"Fine by me…" Deming growled as she pulled out hers.
"Who are you kidding?" Raptor shouted as he took out his weapons along with his teammates. "Both sides outnumber yours at least three to one!"
"Uh I think your math is a little off," Mindbender sneered. "There's five people on our side and only three on yours."
Raptor snapped his fingers. Nine more people with guns wearing camouflage fatigues appeared out of the bushes. "Oh no, my mistake," Mindbender gulped.
"You didn't really think we would come here without backup, did you?" Raptor snarled.
"We have backup too!" The Baroness challenged.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"Zarana!" Zandar screamed as he rode an ostrich. "Stop this crazy thing!"
"WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M TRYING TO BLOODY DO?" Zarana yelled as she rode an ostrich.
The Baroness groaned and closed her eyes. "Oh, for the love of…"
Mindbender spoke up. "Still counts! No matter which way you slice it, Deming and Black Out are outnumbered!"
"Hang on a second," Black Out spoke up. "Maybe we can make a deal?"
"WHAT?" Deming snarled.
"Come on Deming!" Black Out told her. "We kind of are outnumbered here! Let's think about this!"
Raptor spoke up. "Black Out how would you like to join us? We have a dental plan and health insurance."
Black Out didn't hesitate. "I've thought about it, I'm going over to their side!" He moved to Raptor and his group.
"What? You traitor!" Deming snarled.
"HA! Serves you right!" The Baroness sneered.
"It's nothing personal honey," Black Out said. "I'm just going with the better odds. No offense Firefly. Poison."
"None taken," Firefly sighed.
"We get it," Poison groaned.
"You are going to get it if you idiots even think of defecting!" The Baroness snarled at them.
"Hang on! Hang on!" Infrared called out. "Before we do anything, I have a very simple, very rational proposition!"
"I'm listening," Raptor said.
"This should be good," The Baroness grumbled.
Infrared went on. "Obviously we have to 86 the Joes and Ambrose. But once we get rid of them, Zartan could impersonate Ambrose and divide the fortune equally into three or four pieces. That way everybody gets a share."
She turned to the Joes. "Except for you. Nothing personal."
"It does feel kind of personal," Bazooka said.
Infrared let out a sigh. "Look there's plenty of money to go around if we're smart, careful and rational. What do you say?"
The Cobras and former Cobras all looked at each other for about twenty seconds.
Then they all started to fire on each other, forcing everyone to scatter for cover behind trees and bushes.
"Or we could just all shoot at each other like we're all back in Dodge City," Infrared groaned.
"Shut up and shoot Infrared!" Raptor snarled as they crouched behind some trees.
"I'm just saying…" Infrared began.
"It was a stupid idea!" Raptor told her. "End of story!"
"BURRRROOOOO! BURRRROOO! HISSSS!"
"Speaking of stupid," Grimm Skull groaned. "The ostriches are running amok again!"
"Oh great!" The Baroness groaned as the Cobras took up a defensive position behind their van. "Now we have to worry about the stupid ostriches!"
"AAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Deming screamed as she was being chased by an ostrich.
"Huh," The Baroness paused. "Perhaps I was a bit hasty in judging the birds' intelligence?"
Meanwhile Bazooka, Alpine and Ambrose had managed to take cover behind a wall. "Oh God! I don't believe this!" Ambrose gasped.
"I know," Alpine groaned. "All I wanted was a nice quiet weekend! Thanks a lot Bazooka!"
"Alpine help me out of this!" Bazooka pleaded as he tried to remove the armor. "I can't move fast or shoot!"
"Oh fine!" Alpine groaned. "Don't say I don't do anything for you!" He started to help Alpine.
"It was you that got me into this in the first place!" Bazooka pointed out.
"This is no time to be picky!" Alpine snapped. "Hey Ambrose! Help me out here! Ambrose?"
"Oohhh!" Ambrose squealed and fainted dead away.
"What a baby," Bazooka remarked.
"Really," Alpine sniffed. "People just can't handle a good old-fashioned terrorist/ostrich attack anymore."
"Damn stupid birds," Zarana wobbled up to the other Cobras with her brother. Their wigs were gone and their clothes were torn. "I swear the first chance I get I am going to have an ostrich burger!"
"What did we miss?" Zandar asked, his voice wobblily.
"Oh, nothing much," The Baroness said sarcastically. "Just these idiots blowing it!"
"Hey! I wanted to stop and remove the armor!" Mindbender protested. "Don't blame it on me!"
"Fine Mindbender," The Baroness said sarcastically. "You are blameless! A pure paragon of innocence!"
"Was that so hard to say?" Mindbender snapped.
"I know what you can say," Firefly said sarcastically. "How about calling for reinforcements? You know? From the flying spaceship with advanced weapons systems?"
"Oh right," The Baroness realized. Then got her communicator. "Baroness to Cobra Commander! Baroness to Cobra Commander! We're under attack by Mongoose Incorporated, Deming and GI Joe!"
"HISSSSS!"
"And ostriches!" The Baroness snapped as an ostrich moved towards them. A warning blast of laser fire made it scatter away.
"What was that last one?" Destro was heard saying.
"You heard me!" The Baroness snapped. "We need reinforcements now! Follow my homing signal! Baroness out!"
"The Joes are under Deming?" Mindbender asked.
"Don't ask," Zarana groaned as she took careful aim.
BLAST!
"WAAAK!"
"HA! I got one!" Zarana grinned. "I got one of those bloody birds!"
"Great now you just need to get the bird brains that are shooting at us!" Zartan snapped.
Meanwhile Bazooka had finally gotten the armor off. "Boy that feels good to get that off!"
ZAAP! ZAPP! ZAPP!
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
"HISSS! BOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
"On second thought, maybe I should put it back on?" Bazooka gulped.
"The good news is that I think the Cobras are more interested in finishing each other off than us," Alpine groaned. "The bad news is we're running low on ammo!"
"AAAAHHHH!" One of Mongoose Incorporated soldiers was being chased by an ostrich. He ran right by the Joes.
BLAM!
Only to get shot by gunfire. Fortunately, he had fallen very close to Alpine and Bazooka. "As my grandma always said," Alpine managed to get the fallen soldier's weapon. "Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!"
"Is that the one who drove that tank?" Bazooka asked.
Meanwhile on the Cobra side…
"There I killed one of them," Firefly snapped. "Happy?"
"Thrilled!" The Baroness snarled as the others returned fire and they ducked behind the van. "Can you get the rest?"
"I'm working on it! Hang on!" Firefly managed to get inside the van.
ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!
"We can't hang on for much longer!" Zarana snapped as they crouched behind the van to avoid being shot.
"HISSS! BROAWWWWW!"
"Ostriches make so many interesting noises, don't they?" Mindbender remarked as they took a peek.
"GET BACK! GET BACK YOU STUPID BIRDS!" Infrared shouted.
"They're also good at counter-attacking," Zartan remarked.
"AAAAH! GET AWAY!" Deming was heard screaming. "Stupid birds!"
"I admit it," The Baroness shrugged. "The ostriches are starting to grow on me."
Firefly climbed out of the van in his normal clothes. "That's better," Firefly took a breath. "Rubber mask or no, I just felt so naked without my baclava!"
"I'll remind the undertaker to put one on you for your funeral!" Zartan snapped. "Oh crap some of those birds are headed this way!"
"Good because I just set off a small bomb in the van," Firefly said. "We need to move."
"Wait how did you…?" Zartan did a double take.
"No time!" Firefly took off. "MOVE!"
"I don't really want to know anyway," Zartan groaned as the Cobras ran away.
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Good thinking Firefly," The Baroness panted as the Cobras made their way to another area. "Not only did that explosion give us some decent cover, it took care of some of the ostriches!"
"Aww," Mindbender pouted as they crouched behind some trees for cover. "That van had some nice things."
"We'll buy you another blow up doll!" Zarana snapped.
"Huh," Poison remarked. "So that's what burnt ostrich smells like?"
"It doesn't smell like chicken that's for sure," Zartan wrinkled his nose. "Crap those Mongoose Maniacs are closing in on our right flank!"
"All right!" Raptor ordered his troops. "We'll surround them and pick them off one by one!"
"What's that in the sky?" Infrared realized as a large shadow loomed over them. "Is that a spaceship?"
"Something's coming out of it," A trooper realized.
"What the hell…?" Raptor did a double take as he looked up. "HIT THE DECK!"
CRASH! SMASH!
The Mongoose Incorporated soldiers scattered as several large objects fell from the sky and crashed all around them. "What the…?" Raptor gasped. "Are those…toilets?"
"Looks like our delivery is here," Mindbender remarked.
Meanwhile in the ship…
"This is so easy," Torch remarked as he used the strange ray gun to pick up several toilets at once and push them out of the airlock. "Bombs away!" He turned off the gun to let gravity do the rest of the work.
"Why are you using toilets to attack and not the lasers?" Destro shouted at Cobra Commander.
"Well we have to do something with all these toilets!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Because apparently Zartan blew it!"
"Are you sure?" Ripper asked.
"The gunfire on the lawn is a bit of a tell," Destro said sarcastically. "As well as the large pile of burning objects. Are those ostriches?"
"Just keep throwing toilets at them!" Cobra Commander snapped. "What? It also saves on ammo!"
"Can't argue with being economical," Destro sighed. "And I don't want to be stuck with a plentitude of porcelain thrones!"
"Bombs away!" Torch whooped as he tossed another one out. "Wow, usually I say that when I'm sitting on the toilet!"
As you can imagine, commodes crashing from the sky added to the chaos. And the smell.
"I've heard of dropping a duce but this is ridiculous!" Alpine groaned as another toilet crashed nearby.
"Come on!" Bazooka shouted as he grabbed the unconscious Ambrose. The two Joes carried him to another area.
Only to be confronted by Grimm Skull. "What do you know?" Grimm Skull pointed his weapon at them. "I get to blow up some Joes. And a lawyer."
"Wh…What?" Ambrose woke up. "What's going on?"
"You woke up just in time to get shot," Alpine pointed his weapon at Grimm Skull. "Don't do this…Whoever you are."
"My name is Grimm Skull!" Grimm Skull snapped. "And people will remember me after this day! My reputation will be legendary!"
Just then a toilet landed on his head, crushing Grimm Skull instantly.
SPLAT!
"Bulls-eye!" Torch whooped cheerfully.
"Good aim," Cobra Commander admitted as he looked. "It's a pity you don't have that skill when you actually use the toilet…"
On the ground the toilet assault didn't go unnoticed.
"Oh my God!" Ambrose shrieked at the sight before passing out in terror.
"I've heard of dying on the throne but not being killed by one!" Bazooka agreed. "This definitely beats Lupe Velez. And Elvis. And Lenny Bruce. And…"
"That is not a good way to go," Alpine winced. "We should move!"
SPLAT!
"Is it me," Bazooka asked as another toilet killed another Mongoose soldier. "Or is their aim getting better?"
"It's not you," Alpine groaned as he fired. "Unfortunately for us, your aim is still the same!"
"YO! JOE!" Duke's voice was heard.
"Finally!" Alpine breathed a sigh of relief as he saw several Joe vehicles approach.
"Yeah but they aren't the only ones showing up!" Bazooka pointed as several other vehicles arrived from the other side.
"Oh, this day just keeps getting better," Alpine groaned.
ZAP!
"I got one!" Zarana called out as another Mongoose soldier went down. "Firefly and I are tied!"
"Good," The Baroness and her team ran around a bush. Right into the aim of another Mongoose soldier.
"Not so good," The Mongoose soldier growled.
ZAAAP!
He fell down, shot in the back by Deming. "Three-way tie," Deming said.
"That is your specialty," The Baroness groaned before another explosion forced them all to take cover.
"Get our reinforcements!" Raptor called out to the new wave of Mongoose troopers. "Squad A take care of the Cobras. Squad B take care of the Joes!"
CRASH!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"You have got to be kidding me?" Raptor screamed as a toilet hit a Mongoose jeep in such a way that it exploded. "That's it! Time for my secret weapon!"
"Good shot," Cobra Commander remarked to Torch back in the spaceship.
"Yeah but now the Joes are here as well as more of those Geese," Torch pointed out.
"Geese?" Destro asked.
"Mongoose, Mon-geese," Torch shrugged.
"Okay first of all…" Destro paused. "Never mind not important. Just focus on taking out the Mongoose army with the toilets. Save the lasers for the Joes."
"Oh, look who suddenly changed his tune about toilets?" Torch mocked as he used his ray to get more toilets.
"Let's just say I feel that Mongoose Incorporated should get what they deserve!" Destro snapped.
"It is rather fitting isn't it?" Cobra Commander asked. "Keep throwing those thrones Torch!"
"I love my work," Torch grinned.
Meanwhile back on the ground Raptor opened a large cage his subordinates brought to him. "Come my pets!" He purred as five large raptors were released. "Time to go to work!"
"SCREEE! SCREEE!" The birds flew into the sky.
"Now you will face the true wrath of the aviary world!" Raptor screamed. "FLY! FLY MY PRETTIES! TEAR THEIR EYES FROM THEIR SOCKETS!"
"Oh sure!" Alpine groaned when he saw the raptors flying overhead. "Just what this battle needs! More birds!"
One of the birds saw Alpine and Bazooka and headed straight towards them. "Here comes trouble!" Alpine groaned as he readied his weapon.
"Don't shoot the bird!" Bazooka gasped.
"Oh, but it's perfectly fine for this thing to peck our eyes out?" Alpine snapped as the bird closed in. "That's a load of…"
WHAM!
"AWWWWWK!"
SPLAT! CRASH!
"Crap…" Alpine blinked as a toilet fell right on the raptor, killing it.
"That was a freebie," Bazooka blinked.
"Aw man," Torch looked down. "I missed the Joes but got a bird!"
"Forget the Joes!" Cobra Commander pointed. "Let's aim for those Mongoose Jeeps over there!"
"Johns over the jeeps," Torch quipped. "Got it!"
Meanwhile the Cobras were running, dodging laser fire and the occasional angry ostrich. One ostrich chasing them was hit by another toilet behind them. "This is the weirdest cover fire I have ever seen," Zartan remarked. "And I've seen a lot over my career."
"RAH! RAAAH! SCREEEEEH!"
"Crap!" Zartan hissed as he saw the raptors.
"No, kidding," Mindbender grumbled. "I think I stepped in some."
"No, I mean them!" Zartan pointed to the four remaining raptors headed for them.
"Oh good," Firefly remarked. "I was afraid I wouldn't get my target practice in this week!"
Somehow Raptor along with Infrared, Black Out and five more soldiers had managed to get closer to the Cobras. "Get them my feathered beauties!" Raptor cackled. "Poke their eyes out! Avenge your fallen brother!"
"SCREEEEEEEE!"
Firefly, Zartan, Zandar and Poison managed to shoot one bird each. Killing them instantly. "Bye, bye birdie!" Zartan mocked.
"Why did we get a bird guy again?" Mindbender asked. "I mean using raptors in warfare was fine in the middle ages. That I get…"
"But not with modern lasers," Poison nodded. "I know."
"You shot my birds!" Raptor screamed as he charged at them. "You monsters!"
"He's right," Zartan remarked. Then took a quick careful aim and shot Raptor in the head. "We should have just shot him first."
"Oh, for crying out…" Infrared shouted as she watched her boss fall. "Still think my idea was stupid?"
"Never liked him," Deming growled. "He was always so annoying!"
"Not very memorable either," Mindbender admitted.
"He was annoying?" The Baroness pointed her weapon at Deming.
"In case you haven't noticed I just saved your ass!" Deming snapped.
"You were only trying to save yours!" The Baroness challenged back.
"Since when is that a bad thing in Cobra?" Deming challenged.
"Fire!" Infrared called out as the remaining soldiers opened fire.
The Cobras shot back as they ran off. Two Mongoose soldiers fell down dead. "I got two," Poison called out. "Can we finish this fight until after the battle?"
"Agreed," Zartan nodded. "Get Cobra Commander to pick us up in between toilet bombs!"
"You are not in charge!" The Baroness snapped.
"Just call the ship woman and stop whining!" Firefly shouted as they ran.
"Now what?" Black Out asked Infrared. They stopped chasing the Cobras. "You're in charge now that Raptor went to the big birdcage in the sky."
"Now we retreat!" Infrared told him.
"Yeah, I am not getting paid enough for this," Black Out agreed.
"Who said you were getting paid?" Infrared snapped.
"HISSS! BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWW!"
"Oh, for the love of…" Infrared groaned as a flock of very angry ostriches headed their way. "RUN!"
"Why don't we just shoot them again?" Black Out asked as they did so.
"JUST RUN!" Infrared shouted as they ran.
Meanwhile a group of Joes had made their way to a part of the wall in the courtyard where Bazooka, Alpine and the unconscious Ambrose were. "Special Delivery!" Leatherneck said as he handed Bazooka a hand-held bazooka. "Quite a party you're throwing here."
"What kept you guys?" Alpine asked.
"Traffic was terrible," Scarlett told him. "First of all, there were fires all over the place. Including a library."
"We had to go the long way because downtown was flooded," Low Light added as he shot a Mongoose Incorporated trooper that tried to outflank them.
"And somebody let loose an ostrich that got killed in the freeway," Duke added.
"Not to mention there was a ton of wild animals running all over the place," Low Light said. "Raccoons, bats. Came out of nowhere and are running amok."
Bazooka and Alpine looked at each other. Then said as one. "Cobra."
"We figured that," Duke groaned as he fired his weapon. "Get this, we heard on the radio apparently they destroyed a mansion that Lupe Velez once owned!"
Bazooka and Alpine looked at each other. "You don't say…" Alpine said his voice carefully neutral.
"Some hiker reported a couple of weirdoes stealing a toilet," Duke added. "And taking off in a white van. It had to be them!"
"Yup!" Bazooka nodded.
"Who else?" Alpine agreed quickly.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
"HISSS! BRRUOOOOM!"
"Run for it!" Infrared screamed as her team was being chased by angry ostriches.
"More ostriches?" Duke was stunned. "What is up with that?"
"It was on the list," Bazooka explained.
"What kind of scavenger hunt is this?" Duke asked.
"Still better than the movie," Low Light remarked.
"Oh, let's not have that argument again!" Leatherneck protested. "Richard Mulligan was actually pretty good in that!"
Meanwhile Bazooka and Alpine had moved off to the side a bit so they could talk. "We take this to our graves, right?" Bazooka whispered.
"Yup," Alpine nodded. "By the way that toilet in your pen was clearly dropped by Cobra."
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"What toilet?" Bazooka said innocently after he used his bazooka to blow up the items in his pen.
"I stand corrected," Alpine blinked. "Your aim is very good."
"What the hell was that?" Duke gasped as he and several Joes moved over to them.
"Snipers," Bazooka told them. "Trying to outflank us."
"Bazooka blew them up," Alpine covered quickly. "Saved us all. But not the stuff you lent us…"
"Sorry," Bazooka apologized.
"CYNTHIA!" Airtight gasped as he saw the destruction. "MY PRECIOUS CYNTHIA! NOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"You blew up Airtight's blow up doll?" Low Light asked.
"Good," Scarlett groaned. "I hated that creepy thing."
"Me too," Duke shuddered.
"Yeah, a lot of that stuff needed replacing anyway," Quick Kick agreed. "Is that a toilet on fire?"
"Cobra…" Bazooka and Alpine began. Right before another toilet fell from the sky.
"HIT THE DECK!" Duke shouted as they ran for cover.
"I've heard of Number Two raining from the sky but this is nuts," Bazooka groaned.
"I've heard of the enemy throwing everything but the kitchen sink…" Duke remarked. "And the kitchen sink but this…"
"Cobra has reached a level of low even I couldn't imagine!" Low Light groaned.
WHAM! SPLAT!
"They killed another ostrich," Bazooka winced as a toilet whacked another bird.
"I miss the bombs, don't you?" Alpine moaned.
"REVENGE!" Airtight screamed madly. "REVENGE FOR CYNTHIA!" He ran out blasting wildly.
"Oh good," Duke sighed. "Airtight is in one of his moods."
ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!
"He just took out a bunch of low-life snakes in the grass," Low Light pointed out. "Don't knock it."
"Speaking of snakes," Duke looked around. "Where's Cobra?"
The spaceship had finally landed a small distance away. The Cobras were running towards the ship. "Cobra retreat! Retreat!" Mindbender screamed.
"Stop overriding my authority!" The Baroness shouted.
"That is the least of our problems!" Deming snapped as they reached the ship.
"Hang on!" The Baroness stopped and looked at Deming and Poison. "Where do you two think you're going?"
"Baroness this is no time to get picky!" Firefly snapped. "They're coming with us!"
"Will you people get on board?" Destro snapped. "This isn't a chartered flight you know?"
"AGGGGH!" The Baroness snarled in distaste as everyone boarded the ship. "Just go!"
"We're gone," The Twins said as one as the piloted the ship.
"We're out of toilets to throw anyway," Torch remarked as the ship flew off.
"Why are we bringing them?" The Baroness pointed to Deming and Poison.
"One, we're understaffed," Firefly said. "We could use their skills."
"Deming did kill a guy," Zandar admitted.
"She only killed one guy!" The Baroness snapped.
"One more than you!" Zarana snapped. "And Poison got at least two!"
"Poison I will concede to," The Baroness folded her arms. "But the only skills Deming has are in the bedroom."
"You say that like it's a bad thing," Monkeywrench remarked.
"Two," Zartan added. "Deming has valuable information on Mongoose Industries. And I'm guessing a desire to take them down."
"Damn right," Deming folded her arms. "And I have a few hideouts we could use."
"Firefly and Zartan are right," Cobra Commander said. "These two can help Cobra immensely. This is no time to hold on petty grudges or little tiffs. Besides, aren't you always going on about female empowerment?"
"Only when she's the female being empowered," Zarana snickered.
"I know right?" Poison nodded.
"One thing," Deming said. "I'm not Cadet Deming anymore!"
"Well you're not a commander either!" The Baroness snapped. "We already have one of those!"
"One is enough," Crystal Ball quipped.
"How about Captain?" Destro asked.
"I'll take it," Deming shrugged.
"Do I still outrank her?" The Baroness asked.
"For now, yes," Destro sighed. "Anything to get us out of here! Especially after the huge cock up you all made!"
"The Baroness was in charge," Zandar said quickly. "All her fault."
"WHAT?" The Baroness glared at him.
"Who cares as long as we get away?" Zarana groaned. "And take a long shower."
"Another day another failed scheme," The Baroness grumbled.
"Do I really want to know what happened?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Not really," Mindbender admitted. "Just the fact that Raptor and his birds are dead. Oh and Grimm Skull."
"Who?" Cobra Commander asked. "I mean that last one. I remember the bird guy."
"Former Poison Viper," Zartan said. "I blew out Raptor's brains and Grimm Skull's brains got bashed in by one of those toilets. Weirdest battle death ever."
"Oh," Zandar added. "One more thing. The Joes now know that not only Mongoose Incorporated carried out a coup against Cobra, Thrasher and most of his relatives are dead and we killed them. And that lawyer."
"Well that cash cow has not only been killed," Zartan grumbled. "It's been barbecued and charred to ashes!"
"Worst of all that Joe is going to get all that cash!" Mindbender groaned.
"No," Destro corrected. "The worst part is that now Cobra has a reputation for stealing toilets! And using them in battle."
"Oh, stop whining Destro!" Cobra Commander snapped. "It's not that bad! True we didn't accomplish our original goal, but we did regain two more members. And by Zartan killing a member of Mongoose Incorporated's upper hierarchy we've delivered a crippling blow to their leadership! That alone is worth the millions of dollars we lost!"
"But now the Joes are aware that we've been ousted by Mongoose Incorporated!" Destro snapped.
"Who the Joes will now go after!" Cobra Commander added. "Their focus will be divided between us and them."
"But we were seen stealing toilets!" Destro shouted.
"And wrecking several businesses and banks!" Cobra Commander added. "Including Mongoose Incorporated!"
"Which we stole from," Tiffany pointed out.
"Exactly!" Cobra Commander waved. "I already put out the message on Villain Vibe that it was a statement against mass consumerism and capitalism. At least a quarter of the people on there are anarchists and communists. They'll buy it!"
"Technically what we did was art!" Torch grinned.
"No, it wasn't," The Baroness sighed.
"Plus, I lifted some very expensive scotch from an office," Cobra Commander showed them a bottle. "As well as a Swiss Bank account book of numbers. We're good! Well not in the literal sense of the word…"
Meanwhile back on the ground the other Joes had arrived on scene…
"I've been through some messy battles with Cobra," Duke groaned. "But this I think was the worst. And I'm not just talking about the smell."
The entire lawn was littered with broken toilets, dead bodies of both humans and birds and burnt areas of grass, bushes and other items. General Hawk was off to the side with Duke, Alpine and Flint. Other Joes and several soldiers were trying to clean up the area.
"Every time I think Cobra can't get any crazier…" General Hawk groaned. "Or more disgusting."
"I knew there was some fractions among the Fang Gang," Flint remarked "But I had no idea things were that bad."
"Apparently Mongoose Incorporated is more efficient than Cobra Commander realized," General Hawk remarked. "And Cobra Commander is crazier than Mongoose Incorporated realized."
"Well they're good at killing each other," Alpine remarked. "Makes our job a little easier."
"It's the people around them caught in the crossfire I'm more worried about," Duke told him.
"Like Dr. Doom?" Alpine asked.
Duke shrugged. "Okay most of the people…"
"So, Bazooka really won fifty million dollars?" General Hawk asked.
"And several businesses," Alpine remarked. "And a few buildings."
Nearby Bazooka was on the phone. "Hey Ma! Remember when you wanted to move to California? Good news! I got you a house!"
Some parts of the roof fell off and a few more bits of wall crumbled right after he spoke.
"It may need a little work," Bazooka said honestly. "But once we patch up that one wall and remove all the bullets and dead birds on the lawn I'm sure it will be fine. Yeah you can bring the cow. There's plenty of room. Enough for Dad too."
Alpine remarked. "Remind me to make sure he doesn't go near Ace's poker games from now on."
"I plan on having a word with him as well," Duke nodded. "The problem is we're pretty much back to square one. Cobra got away again!"
"I wouldn't say that," Alpine pointed to the prisoners handcuffed inside a transport van. "I think we all got some lovely consolation prizes."
Inside were several Mongoose Incorporated soldiers. Including two semi-familiar faces.
"Oh, come on!" Black Out shouted to the now distant spaceship. "I can't believe it! They left me behind again!"
Infrared grumbled. "I knew I should have gone to business school!"