Gods In Vegas
A secluded mansion in the woods of New Hampshire. The perfect picture of peace and tranquility. Until…
"Careful you dolts!" Cobra Commander screamed as the Cobras disembarked. "Your poor piloting almost got us killed!"
"That's just your drug hangover talking," Xamot snapped.
"Our piloting was just fine!" Tomax snapped. "That tree was too big anyway!"
"We got here pretty fast," Poison remarked.
Firefly remarked. "Yeah it's great for getting away from the cops and not facing any consequences of what you did."
"That is a nice added bonus, isn't it?" Zandar remarked.
"This is a nice mansion," The Baroness remarked. "I'm assuming also stolen from company funds?"
"Yes. Try not to burn this one down!" Deming asked sarcastically.
"I can't make any such promises," Monkeywrench shrugged.
"Me neither," Torch added.
"I'm getting dressed!" Deming snapped as she opened the door. "The master bedroom at the end of the hall on the left is mine! There are nine other bedrooms. I'm sure you lot can figure out where to sleep on your own!"
"Anywhere is fine with me," Blood Wing walked in turkey form.
"NOT YOU!" Deming snarled as she turned on Blood Wing. "You can sleep outside with all the other animals!"
"Not fair!" Blood Wing pouted. "You let the Dreadnoks in!"
"WHOO HOO!" The Dreadnoks barreled in nearly knocking Deming into some nearby shrubs. "PARTY TIME! YEAAHHHH!"
SMASH! CRASH! SMASH!
"He does have a point," The Baroness said. "You let the other animals into your house."
"And I'm not the one who breaks things," Blood Wing pointed out.
"You broke my trust!" Deming snapped.
"Girl please," Crystal Ball quipped as he was carried in by Mindbender. "You lost that decades ago!"
"Just stay away from me!" Deming snapped as she stormed in. "AND YOU IDIOTS STOP PLAYING WITH MY THINGS!"
"I thought playing with your things was what men liked about you?" Crystal Ball quipped.
"HA!" Cobra Commander cackled. "He's funny. He's a pain in my asp but he's funny. And so am I! Get it? Asp?"
"Hilarious," Destro sighed as the others moved away.
"Oh, what now?" Cobra Commander asked.
"The Baroness gave me one of her 'We Need To Talk' looks," Destro groaned.
"Translation," Cobra Commander remarked. "She does all the talking."
"Great…" Destro groaned. "Another night of the Baroness lecturing me about how our relationship isn't going anywhere. Even though I don't think we technically have a relationship anymore. Putting up with that is always a pain."
"Or," Cobra Commander paused. "The two of us can just take off to Vegas for the night."
Destro thought. "That would work."
Later that evening in Vegas…
"I can't believe we actually managed to sneak out of the house without getting caught," Destro remarked as he and Cobra Commander walked the streets of Vegas.
"It wasn't that hard," Cobra Commander shrugged. "Once the Dreadnoks started a food fight over who is sexier, Ginger or Mary Ann."
"Ginger may be more glamorous," Destro remarked. "But there's something to be said for the sweetness of Mary Ann."
"Either one of them is better than the raging bitch we call the Baroness," Cobra Commander remarked.
"Your words," Destro said. "It's true but you said them. So, I can claim plausible deniability."
"I knew you needed a night out away from her," Cobra Commander said. "And I needed a sober pilot for the spaceship. Win-win."
"What makes you think I'm going to stay sober?"
"Relatively sober," Cobra Commander amended.
"I can't believe we've been walking a few blocks and nobody's given us a second look," Destro remarked.
"Destro, it's Vegas," Cobra Commander looked at him. "On this street alone we've seen five showgirls in costume, sixteen girls in bikinis, three men dressed as cowboys, two outlandishly dressed street magicians, six drag queens, nine people with green hair, a mariachi band, A man on stilts in an Uncle Sam costume, two Michael Jackson impersonators, a woman in a unicorn costume and three Elvis impersonators. I think we'll be fine."
Destro couldn't resist taking a look at a large woman walking past him wearing a skin tight green glow leotard, neon green hair and sunglasses. "You have a point. If anything, I think we may be underdressed."
"Or overdressed," Cobra Commander remarked as a man wearing a black speedo and sunglasses roller-skated by.
Destro remembered something. "Have we been banned from Vegas? You know with all the mobsters we've run afoul of?"
"Possibly," Cobra Commander shrugged. "But I don't think mobsters just stake out people all over the place looking for people who double crossed them and are dumb enough to return."
Destro paused. "That would be us!"
"Look we'll just stay out of the lesser known casinos and we'll be fine," Cobra Commander waved. "And if anyone asks, we're promoting the latest Cirque De Solei production."
Destro sighed. "Still better than listening to the Baroness. Which establishment do you want to lose money in?"
"Let's take in a show first," Cobra Commander waved. "There's plenty of time to throw money away. We can hire a private booth and drink. Have some snacks…"
"Good idea," Destro admitted. "I could use a distraction. This one looks promising."
A poster advertising a magic show was shown on the side of the casino. "Huh. It would be interesting to see fake magic for a change," Cobra Commander remarked.
"We wouldn't have to worry about it backfiring," Destro nodded. "That's one positive aspect."
Cobra Commander agreed. "No ghosts or curses or portals to another dimension. Or whatever else can kill us. It will be nice to enjoy some simple illusions for a change. Let's do it!"
"Ooh! Hey! Hey!" An older couple wearing loud Hawaiian shirts and shorts came up to them. "Can we take a picture?"
"Uh…" Destro was surprised.
The man flashed two five-dollar bills. "Why not?" Cobra Commander said cheerfully.
"Oh, what the hell?" Destro decided to go for it. "We're in Vegas."
The Cobras posed with the couple. "Vegas!" Everyone said cheerfully as someone else took their picture. The couple gave them the money, thanked them and went on their merry way.
"That was fun," Cobra Commander said. "I think I just discovered a fallback career if this terrorism thing falls through."
Destro realized something. "This must be the first honest money we've made in decades!"
"This evening is looking up already," Cobra Commander remarked as he pocketed the money.
Soon Destro and Cobra Commander were in a private booth watching a magic show. "This is quite entertaining," Cobra Commander admitted as he sipped his drink using his helmet straw. "He's good!"
The entertainer on stage was a tall muscular man with short black hair wearing a black metal studded outfit. He made a tiger made of fire appear on the stage. "Don't let Torch see this act," Cobra Commander snorted. "He'll get ideas."
"That man looks familiar," Destro frowned. "I've seen him before."
"Probably on one of those television shows," Cobra Commander sipped through the straw in his helmet. "Or on the Internet. I swear everyone has one of those Me Tube videos nowadays."
"No, it's something else," Destro told him. "I've met that man before. I'm sure of it."
"Well you're going to meet him again," Cobra Commander said as he gave a hostess nearby some cash. "I'm putting in a request for a private meet and greet."
"What?" Destro asked.
"It's one of the perks of the private booth if you tip enough," Cobra Commander explained as the hostess left. "You get to meet the talent. I have to admit I enjoyed his show. It will be refreshing to meet someone with real talent for a change."
"Let's give it up ladies and gentlemen for the Amazing Ares!" An announcer called out as the magician took his bows.
"Ares…" Destro thought. "Ares…Something about that name. Hang on. It can't be."
"What?" Cobra Commander asked.
"No, it's too ridiculous," Destro waved.
"What's too ridiculous?" Cobra Commander asked.
The Amazing Ares entered the booth. "Hey! Great to meet a…Oh hell, no! YOU?"
"Oh no…" Destro realized. "I just remembered where we've seen this man before!"
"I remember you two very well," Ares groaned. "What are you doing here?"
"Taking in a show," Destro told him. "The bigger question is what you're doing here?"
"That's a long story," Ares groaned.
"I figured," Destro admitted.
"Destro what's going on?" Cobra Commander asked. "Who is he?"
"Ares," Destro gave him a look.
"Yeah, I know that part," Cobra Commander snapped. "I mean who is he in general?"
"I am Ares!" Ares told him.
"Again, got that," Cobra Commander told him. "I mean besides your stage name!"
"His stage name is his real name!" Destro told him. "This is Ares! The God of War!"
"What?" Cobra Commander did a double take.
"Don't you remember that incident in Greece 15 years ago?" Destro asked. "What am I saying? With your alcoholism I can't expect you to remember anything fifteen days ago!"
"This was after the time travel thing with the golden fleece, right?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Years after," Destro said. "Don't you remember?"
FLASHBACK!
FIFTEEN YEARS AGO….
"The Lost Temple of Ares," Destro remarked as several Cobras including Cobra Commander and the Baroness entered an ancient underground chamber. It looked like an old temple. "Rumored to contain the Sword of Ares."
"And with it, Cobra will conquer the world!" Cobra Commander cackled.
"Doubtful," Destro sighed.
"What makes you say that Destro of little faith?" Cobra Commander asked.
"You've heard of the phrase, if he does not learn from history he's doomed to repeat it?" Destro asked. "Considering our history this is par for the course."
"We do tend to put a lot of stock in random objects that will make Cobra all powerful," The Baroness admitted. "And it always seems to backfire on us."
"I'm just saying," Destro cautioned. "Perhaps a different strategy might be more useful?"
"Look I want the Sword of Ares and I'm going to get it!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"That's what I'm afraid of," Destro told him. "All of us getting it. And not in a good way."
"What about that guy we got that's an expert in mystical objects?" The Baroness asked. "What was his name? Crystaline…Crystal…"
"You mean Crystal Ball?" Cobra Commander asked.
"That's the guy," The Baroness nodded.
"I'm here…" A completely human Crystal Ball walked up to them. "I sensed that you needed my help."
"You overheard us more likely," Destro sighed.
Crystal Ball closed his eyes and stretched out his hand. "I can feel the psychic vibrations coming from that way." He pointed to a tunnel in front of them. "This is the way we must go!"
"Well," Destro paused. "Considering it is the only way forward. That does seem a very plausible conclusion to make."
"Where did you get this guy?" The Baroness asked.
"The spirits call to me!" Crystal Ball waved his arms. "I follow!"
"Down the only path there is!" Destro groaned as Crystal Ball went down the tunnel.
"This guy is never going to be useful, is he?" Cobra Commander groaned.
"We really need to have a meeting about hiring standards for Cobra," Destro told him. "I mean he's even crazier that that other one with the birds!"
"What?" The Baroness asked.
"His name is Raptor and his expertise is in falconry as well as accounting," Cobra Commander explained as they walked down the tunnel.
"The accounting I get," The Baroness asked. "But birds?"
"They can be used as weapons in battle," Cobra Commander snapped.
"Until someone shoots at them," Destro pointed out.
"Will you two birdbrains shut up?" Cobra Commander hissed. "I think Crystal Ball has found something."
It was a gold altar with stone figures all around them. "Behold!" Crystal Ball said smugly. "I have found the Altar of Ares!"
"We found the Altar of Ares," Destro growled. "You just showed up at the last minute and walked ahead of us."
"Look," Cobra Commander pointed and saw a gold sword ahead of them. "The sword!"
"Careful Commander," Crystal Ball stopped him from going forward. "I sense the spirit of Ares surrounding the sword. It may not be so simple to just take it without angering him."
"Oh, for crying out loud," Cobra Commander pushed past him. "If Ares didn't want people taking his stuff he shouldn't have just left it lying around."
"I wouldn't touch it just yet if I were you," Crystal Ball shook his head.
"Well you're not me," Cobra Commander grabbed it. "I have the Sword of Ares! And it's…HOT! HOT! HOT! YEOWWWWWWW!" Cobra Commander dropped it. "That damn thing felt like it was on fire!"
A gold blast of light emitted from the top of the temple. A portal opened up. Ares emerged in black and gold armor. "Who dares disturb my temple and touch my sacred sword?"
"That can't be the real Ares," The Baroness was stunned.
The sword flew to Ares' hand. "It is mortal! For I am the God of War and no one but myself can touch my sacred blade!"
Crystal Ball had a smug look on his face. "Told you so!"
Destro looked at Crystal Ball. "All right, I'll give you that one."
"Who are you?" Ares pointed his sword at them.
"I am Cobra Commander," Cobra Commander hissed. "We have searched far and wide to worship at your temple oh great Ares."
"Pull the other one," Ares scoffed. "Wait, Cobra Commander? As in Cobra? The ruthless terrorist organization that has been plaguing the world? Causing chaos, madness and unknown destruction?"
"That's us," Cobra Commander admitted.
"Well this is a surprise," Ares put his sword away. "I'm a big fan of your work. Big fan."
"You are?" Destro did a double take.
"I'm the God of War," Ares looked at him. "I keep up on things like this. And anybody who has been causing so many battles and chaos and destruction…Is aces in my abacus."
"Seriously?" Destro gasped.
"I'm telling you," Ares admitted. "I haven't seen warfare this creative since Hannibal told me he was going to use elephants in his army. The way you stole those monuments. The mechanical sea serpent. The weather dominator…That one was wild."
"Thank you," Cobra Commander preened. "It's nice to be appreciated for once!"
"You know…?" Ares thought. "You might be able to help me. See I'd like to conquer Greece and start a whole bunch of wars all over the world."
"You mean you want to conquer the world starting with Greece?" Cobra Commander asked.
"No, not the whole world," Ares shook his head. "Because if you conquer the whole world who would you fight against?"
"Oh, I see what you mean," Destro remarked. "You want to create an empire but also some enemies of that empire as well."
"Exactly," Ares nodded. "I mean if you conquer the whole world, then what? You get peace. And I'm not the God of Peace. I hate that guy. He's a wuss."
"What about rebels?" Cobra Commander asked. "There are always rebels to fight against."
"Obviously yes," Ares explained. "But its not the same. I mean, it's not like in the movies where they all magically get all these crazy armies or fleet of spaceships. I want armies to fight each other in the proper way. On the battlefield like the good old days."
"Well not exactly like the good old days," Crystal Ball told him. "Nobody just uses swords anymore."
"No, it's a shame," Ares sighed. "I do miss those days. I'm not knocking guns or other weapons of mass destruction. They're fine. They get the job done. But there's nothing like fighting with a sword or an axe. It's more personal."
"Plus, I bet it's a great workout," Cobra Commander remarked.
"Oh yeah," Ares nodded. "I mean a good battle makes Jane Fonda's aerobics look like a nap. Look at me. But I digress. I want to conquer Greece and start a new empire. But my father Zeus is being a killjoy about it."
"Oh yes," Destro sighed. "Been there."
"So, I was thinking," Ares thought. "If I help you conquer Greece for me, and create a few small temples to me and some followers…"
"Cobra gets an empire like the world has never seen!" Cobra Commander beamed.
"But not the whole world," Ares said. "We'll set aside a couple of countries that we can constantly fight against. Again, what's the point of being the God of War if there are no wars to fight?"
"Or sell weapons to," Destro realized.
"Exactly," Ares nodded.
"When do we start, Lord Ares?" Cobra Commander asked.
FLASHBACK!
Cobra HISS tanks and several other Cobra vehicles tore down the streets of Athens. "COBRA!" Several cobra soldier battalions ran through the streets.
"Yes! YES! YES!" Cobra Commander cackled from his position from on top of a roof. "With the power of Ares backing our troops and weapons, Cobra will be invincible!"
"It doesn't help that Ares himself is down there," The Baroness pointed to Ares on the ground laying waste to cars and anything in front of him with an axe.
"I must admit I was a bit skeptical," Destro remarked. "But this does seem to be working. As long as things don't go wrong."
"Why do you always do this?" Cobra Commander asked. "Why do you always rain on my parade just when the parade is getting good?"
"I am just advising caution," Destro told him.
"You're just being a Destro Downer!" Cobra Commander snapped. "That's what the troops call you, you know? Destro Downer. Because you're such a pessimist!"
"You don't want to know what the troops call you," Destro glared at him.
"Can we put this fight on hold until after we conquer Greece?" The Baroness snapped. "Or at the very least Athens?"
"Fine," Destro backed down. "I just think it's premature to celebrate. I don't want us to lose focus and blow it again."
"We're not going to blow this Destro!" Cobra Commander shouted.
FLASHBACK!
Three hours later…
"COBRA RETREAT! RETREAT!" Cobra Commander screamed as they were losing a heated battle against GI Joe.
"I knew it," Destro groaned as they ran from the firefight. "We blew it!"
"SHUT UP AND RUN!" Cobra Commander screamed as they ran.
Ares rolled up to them in a golden chariot pulled by two fire horses. "Where are you cowards going?"
"Away from here!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Is that a difficult concept for you oh Mighty Ares?"
"Stand your ground and fight!" Ares snapped.
"You stand and fight," Crystal Ball told him. "We'll run!"
"What he said," Cobra Commander admitted.
"I'm not in a hurry to die today!" Crystal Ball added. "Or any other day!"
"You are warriors!" Ares snapped. "You promised me that you would fight and win using my powers aiding your men and weapons! And you failed miserably!"
"HOW WERE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT GI JOE WOULD MEET UP WITH ATHENA WHO WOULD HELP THEM?" Cobra Commander screamed.
"Actually, that's pretty predictable," Crystal Ball frowned. "If you think about it…"
"SHUT UP!" Cobra Commander yelled at him. "I never want to see your stupid face again!"
"Typical," Ares snarled. "If it's my father or my damned half brother getting in my way, it's my busybody sister! I'll deal with her! You make your stand here! And watch the chariot!"
"What do you mean by watch your chariot?" The Baroness asked.
"Do I have to explain everything to you people?" Ares snarled as he got down. "I'm going to meet my sister in battle and the chariot will be in the way! Besides I borrowed it from Zeus without him knowing so…Just stay here and watch the chariot! And fight for once!" He leapt into the air disappearing.
Destro blinked. "If he can fly, why does he need a chariot?"
Cobra Commander was about to retort when he stopped to think. "That's rather a good question actually."
"Here's another one," The Baroness saw something. "I see some Joe tanks coming our way. What do we do?"
"I believe I have the solution," Destro noticed a Cobra soldier holding a small bazooka. He took it from him.
"I'll take that Destro!" Cobra Commander grabbed at it. "I will show you all who is the superior fighter!"
"You just want to suck up to Ares!" Destro snapped as he held onto it.
"GIVE IT TO ME!" Cobra Commander screamed as he pulled on the weapon. "That's an order Destro!"
"As you wish," Destro reluctantly gave it to Cobra Commander. "Just be careful. It has a…"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Hair trigger," Destro winced as the bazooka fired and completely destroyed the chariot. The strange looking horses were killed as well.
"Oops," Cobra Commander gulped.
"Well we watched the chariot all right!" The Baroness snapped. "Watched you blow it up!"
"Along with his horses," Destro sighed. "Ares will not be pleased."
"No, he will not," Cobra Commander groaned.
"We should run," Crystal Ball told him.
"Way ahead of you!" Cobra Commander had dropped the weapon and was running for his life. The other Cobras followed.
"Once again," Destro groaned as the Cobras ran for their lives. "History…"
"We're going to be history if you don't shut up!" Cobra Commander shouted.
FAST FORWARD TO TODAY!
"Oh right," Cobra Commander remembered. "Uh, sorry about the wrecked chariot."
"I'm not," Ares shrugged. He was now sitting down at their table having some drinks. "That chariot belonged to Zeus. I was just borrowing it. Heh. That was funny. You should have seen his face…"
"The Greek God Ares is doing magic shows at Caesar's Palace?" Destro was stunned.
"I know," Ares groaned. "Irony's a bitch."
"Hang on," Destro asked. "If you're an all-powerful god why the hell are you in Vegas doing magic shows?"
"Ten years ago, I got kicked out of Olympus and barely escaped Hades," Ares explained. "After that last fight with my idiot brother Hercules, they wouldn't let me back in. And if a Greek God is cut off from Olympus, his powers wane. Especially if he doesn't have a temple of his own."
"I thought you had temples?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Had! Past tense!" Ares snapped. "Ever since these new things called Judaism, Christianity and Islam took off attendance has kind of dropped."
"Oh," Cobra Commander nodded. "That would do it."
"Most people don't believe I'm the real Ares!" Ares groaned as he took a drink. "They think I'm either an alien or a mutant or some other thing out there. And without belief…I'm lucky I can do magic shows!"
"Seriously?" Cobra Commander looked at him.
"Oh, I still have my strength and speed and fighting skills," Ares sighed. "But in today's competitive job market…Not that much of an asset. Especially with all the mutants popping up nowadays."
"Haven't tried restarting your temple or something?" Cobra Commander asked.
"What a ridiculous question! Of course, I have!" Ares snapped. "For a few years I had this really fun sex cult that was just about to take off. But then my idiot high priest got a little too full of himself. The next thing you know I'm escaping a burning compound while the Feds closed in. Taking most of my believers with them. Of course, it turned out half of them didn't even believe in me at all! They were just there for the free love, drugs and guns. Typical."
"That sounds…" Cobra Commander paused. "Familiar."
"Even a god has to make a living," Ares groaned. "And lucky me, this is it. At least here I can hide from my jerk of a brother."
"That's rough," Destro remarked.
"It was either this or construction," Ares admitted. "What can I say? I got the showbiz bug."
Wheels started to turn in Cobra Commander's mind. "What if you could go back to Olympus?"
"What do you mean?" Ares asked. "That's impossible!"
"For Cobra nothing is impossible!" Cobra Commander said boldly.
"Except maybe staying sober," Destro gave him a look.
"Tell me," Cobra Commander said to Ares. "If you could go back to Olympus right now, what would you do?"
"Simple," Ares said. "I'd challenge my father for Olympus and kick his ass!"
"Why didn't you do that before?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Let's just say I was tied up and leave it at that," Ares groaned. "Stupid Hercules."
"What are you getting at Commander?" Destro asked.
"Destro we have a spaceship that can transport us through other dimensions!" Cobra Commander told him. "And Olympus resides in another dimension!"
"That means theoretically…." Destro realized.
"I can go back to Olympus," Ares realized.
"Exactly!" Cobra Commander nodded. "We have it parked on top of a car garage a couple blocks from here. Didn't bother to turn on the cloaking device because I knew people in Vegas would think it was a decoration or something."
"It's true," Destro admitted. "No one batted an eye."
Ares slapped Cobra Commander hard on the back. "I knew there was a reason I spared your lives! Well other than ticking off Zeus. Fortune has clearly smiled on us this day!"
"Hang on," Destro held up his hand. "We're just going to drive Ares to Olympus and drop him off like a taxi service? There are a few problems with that. For starters, how are we going to find it?"
"Oh, I know the interdimensional address," Ares waved. "That's the easy part. The hard part is getting back in."
"That was my second question," Destro asked. "What are you going to do? Ring the doorbell and hope Zeus lets you in?"
Ares paused. "That part will be slightly more difficult. Zeus will not give up without a fight. Fortunately, I think we may be in luck. I'm sure the others wouldn't mind having a go at Zeus."
"Others? What others?" Destro asked.
"There's a few other Gods hanging around Vegas in exile too," Ares explained. "It's a pretty popular place for our set."
"I can see that," Cobra Commander nodded.
"There's a few exiles and other deities that are itching to settle the score with Zeus and his ilk," Ares growled.
"And with Cobra backing you," Cobra Commander added. "You can't lose!"
"Hang on," Destro did a double take.
"All right," Ares nodded. "I'm going to call the gang. I'm sure a lot of them want in on this! I'll be right back!" He took out a cell phone and left the booth.
"Well this night just got interesting," Cobra Commander said cheerfully.
"Just so I'm clear," Destro paused. "We're going to war with Zeus and all the gods in Mt. Olympus."
"You say that like it's crazy," Cobra Commander remarked.
"That's because it is!" Destro snapped.
"Will you calm down?" Cobra Commander told him. "Okay, so we're going to war with some gods? We're going to have Ares the God of War himself on our side!"
"Who was kicked out of Olympus!"
"Which means he's eager for a rematch," Cobra Commander told him. "You heard him. There will be other gods on our side. I'm sure they'll do the brunt of the actual fighting. We're just transportation and backup. Which we will be richly rewarded once Ares conquers Olympus!"
"If we survive," Destro pointed out.
"We survived once, we can do it again," Cobra Commander told him. "Survival is what Cobra does best! We're like those cats with nine lives."
"Don't look now," Destro told him. "I'm pretty sure we've passed Number 8!"
"Oh, calm down Destro," Cobra Commander waved. "I know what I'm doing."
"That will be a first," Destro groaned.
It wasn't long before Cobra Commander and Destro were in a private lounge area with several other people. "Classy…" Cobra Commander looked around the accommodations.
"Okay I want you to meet the gang," Ares pointed to each God in turn. "The blonde guy over there is Enyalius, a minor God of War. He's the protector of soldiers. He's basically my vice president. We call him Ern for short."
Ern was a blonde good-looking man with short hair wearing a simple black T-shirt, jeans and boots. "Hi there! Nice to meet you! What are we doing again?"
"Ern is not that bright," Ares sighed. "He's also my nephew. Which leads to my sister Enyo, the Goddess of destructive War."
"I thought Athena was…?" Destro asked.
"She's the Goddess of wisdom and war," Enyo said sarcastically. She was blonde and wearing a pink cocktail waitress outfit. "Apparently there's a difference between good wars and bad wars. Which there really isn't!"
"Enyo got kicked out for starting one too many fights," Ares explained.
"She bit Hera," Ern explained.
"I sure did," Enyo grinned.
"Why are you dressed like a cocktail waitress?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Because my idiot son can't hold a job to save his life," Enyo snapped.
"I just haven't figured out what I want to do yet," Ern frowned.
"You're thousands of years old," Ares looked at him. "You should have a clue by now!"
Ern thought a minute. "I like animals."
"Good," Cobra Commander quipped. "I'll introduce you to the Dreadnoks."
"At least this one can fight," Enyo sighed. "None of my other children want to. One of my daughters is now my manager. She thinks going back to Olympus is a fool's crusade."
"Your words," Destro muttered to himself.
"Zagreus one of the Underworld Gods," Ares introduced a dark-haired man wearing red armor.
"I got fired for destroying the copy machine in the underworld with an axe," Zagreus explained. "After they slashed my hours and benefits!"
"I would have thought with all the dead people in the world you'd be a shoo in for overtime," Cobra Commander remarked.
"Our corner of Hades only takes in people who were from the ancient Greek world or worship the Olympian Gods," Zagreus explained. "I guess I could have applied for a transfer to one of the more modern parts but those guys make you write up so much paperwork."
"Eurus, god of the Southeast Wind," Ares introduced a jolly looking fat man with a brown beard. Who promptly let out a huge fart.
"I think we can guess why he was kicked out," Destro moaned at the smell.
"Nemesis the Goddess of Retribution," Ares pointed to a black-haired woman wearing a blue suit. "She never lets anything go."
"I'm currently working at the DMV," Nemesis explained.
"Fitting," Cobra Commander remarked.
"Harpocrates," Ares pointed to a man who looked exactly like Harpo Marx holding a horn. "God of Silence."
HONK! HONK!
"We call him Harpo," Ares sighed. "For obvious reasons. He got kicked out for annoying Zeus one too many times with a whoopie cushion. And tooting his horn in his ear."
HONK! HONK!
"Sponde," Ares pointed. "The God of Drinks poured after lunch."
A fat man in a toga was holding a bottle of wine. "Is everybody happy?" He hiccupped drunkenly. "Cobra Commander! Dude you are a legend in my circle! Happy to meet you! Want a drink?"
"Do you have to ask?" Cobra Commander accepted a drink that appeared out of thin air. "Now this is a superpower!"
"Ma," Ares added. "Mother war goddess of Cappadocia."
A woman who looked like Doris Roberts in a gold dress waved. "I got kicked out because technically my country doesn't exist anymore. And Hera is a bitch."
"This is Dagda," Ares pointed. "The former chief of the Celtic Gods."
A large heavyset man with long brown hair and a long brown beard with a big smile waved. "Good to see ya lads," He spoke in an Irish accent. "Technically I'm not exiled. I'm retired. Almost nobody worships my clan anymore. I'm just here because I'm bored and I want some action!"
"This man once killed nine giants in a single blow," Ares pointed.
"Technically eight and a half," Dagda shrugged. "The last one was only nine feet tall which is a bit small for a giant."
"Still counts," Cobra Commander said.
"And this is Perun, the Slavic God of Thunder," Ares pointed to a large dark-haired man with a long black beard and wearing a black t-shirt, black jeans and boots and a metal studded black jacket. At his side was a huge battle ax. "Think an Eastern European version of Thor."
"And before you get confused," Perun spoke up. "I am not that usurper who uses my name in the Winter Guard. I am the original baby."
"Why are you in Vegas?" Cobra Commander asked.
Perun shrugged. "When most of the Slavic Gods retired, I decided to come to Earth and have some fun. I've been a mercenary and adventurer for over three hundred years."
"Adventurer?" Ma snapped. "The biggest adventure you've had in almost sixty years is following a half dozen rock bands on tour!"
"And before that," Nemesis added. "You spent over a hundred and fifty years in Australia being the universe's oldest beach bum."
"It's been a slow couple of centuries okay?" Perun snapped. "I've been on vacation. Not much has been going on anyway."
"Dude," Ares looked at him. "You slept through both World War One and World War Two."
"I took a couple of naps that happened to last several decades!" Perun defended.
"Back to back," Nemesis groaned.
"I deserve some me time, okay?" Perun snapped. "Look, I'm here now and that's what matters."
"So…" Cobra Commander looked around. "This is going to be like Ocean's 11, only with gods?"
"Look all you have to do is get us to Olympus," Ma said. "We'll handle the rest. I've got a few scores I want to settle!"
"Me too!" Nemesis took out a list. "Starting with Zeus and Hera obviously. Aphrodite who clearly thinks she's prettier than me. She's not. That nymph that lost my sandals at the bathhouse…"
"I have some reservations about this…" Destro began.
"Oh good, I'm hungry!" Ern said brightly. "What restaurant are the reservations at?"
Ares sighed and moved over to the side with Destro and Cobra Commander. "I understand Destro. Believe me. I understand. But these are all good fighters. Some of them have wrecked entire continents by themselves. Trust me, once they get motivated…They'll fight."
"And this is the stuff that will motivate us!" Sponde made several bottles of alcohol appear.
Ares sighed. "Look this was the best I could get on short notice, okay? Don't worry, they'll fight."
"What about the Roman Gods?" Destro asked.
"Dude we are the Roman Gods," Ares explained. "All the Romans did was change most of our names. Apparently, Zeus was trying some kind of legal thing for tax purposes. I don't get it either. Short version, we're also technically the Roman Gods too. So…"
"WHOOO HOOO!" Eurus laughed as a huge fart erupted.
"Talk about an ill wind!" Perun howled with laughter.
"Keep pouring the drinks, Sponde!" Nemesis called out.
Ares sighed again. "I need a drink too…" He went to get one.
"So basically, our plan is to charter a bunch of drunken has been gods to Olympus in order to invade it?" Destro asked.
"You say that like it's a dumb idea," Cobra Commander looked at Destro.
"Your words," Destro sighed. He then noticed something. "Uh oh…"
Several burly men had entered the room wearing expensive suits. Among them was a very large man wearing an expensive blue suit and rings on his fingers. "Cobra Commander…" The large man growled. "I can't believe you had the nerve to show your ugly face here after what you did the last time!"
"Oh crap…" Cobra Commander groaned. "I forgot about those guys!"
"I know you," Ern spoke up. "You're Fat Vinnie of the Cabriese family."
Ares looked at Cobra Commander and Destro. "What did you do to piss the mob off?"
"Don't ask," Destro groaned. "How did you know we were here?"
"We always stake out a couple of guys at the various hotels," Fat Vinnie told him. "In case someone we're looking for shows up."
"You don't say," Destro glared at Cobra Commander. "Imagine that."
"Come on Fat Vinnie," Cobra Commander waved. "So we had a slight tiff the last time Cobra was in town? Is that any reason for you to go off the handle?"
"This isn't just what you did the last time you mooks were here," Fat Vinnie snarled. "This comes from the top after what you did in Italy!"
"What did you do in Italy?" Ma asked.
"Don't ask," Destro groaned.
Cobra Commander shrugged. "So, we blew up a few villas and some mob warehouses? And killed a dozen or so wise guys? And stole some wine and other valuables? And set a couple dozen little fires? And we caused a tiny little volcano eruption? And flooded half of Venice. And totally trashed Naples. And may have set off a tiny little nuclear device in Sicily. And let loose a vampire on feeding frenzy…"
Cobra Commander paused. "Okay. I admit it. When you say it all at once that does sound like a lot."
Dagda grinned. "I like these people!"
"You also destroyed several high-ranking bosses' cars!" Fat Vinnie snarled.
"Really?" Destro asked. "That's where you draw the line? Kind of seems arbitrary don't you think?"
"Especially when compared to the volcano," Ares admitted.
"THE LAVA FROM THE VOLCANO IS WHAT WRECKED THEIR CARS!" Fat Vinnie screamed.
"Oh," Destro nodded.
"I can see now why you people might be miffed," Cobra Commander admitted. "Okay, I apologize. My bad. But you got to admit these things do happen in our line of work."
"Yeah well, some other things are going to happen due to work," Fat Vinnie growled as the mobsters pulled several guns out. "You and your group of freaks are coming with us."
"Freaks?" Nemesis growled. "You dare call a bunch of gods freaks?"
"Gods of what?" Fat Vinnie snarled. "Freaktown?"
"Oh, you should not have said that," Destro realized as he saw the looks the gods were giving the mobsters. "I don't suppose we can…"
"No, no…" Ares made a predatory grin. "Let us handle this. Think of this as a warm up."
"Good idea," Ma took out an incredibly huge sword from her small purse. "We could use the practice."
"Practice for what?" Fat Vinnie mocked.
"Well…" Eurus casually stood up and turned around. "The rest of you might want to stand downwind."
"Good idea," Ares nodded as the gods and Cobras did so.
"What's he doin'?" Fat Vinnie asked. "Practicing…?"
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTT!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Fat Vinnie and his gang screamed as they were literally blown out the door by the ultimate fart.
"That may have been deadly," Cobra Commander quipped. "But it was definitely not silent!"
"CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGGE!" Ares screamed as he pulled out a sword and the other gods grabbed their weapons. They leapt after the mobsters with glee.
"Where did Ares get a sword?" Destro asked.
"He probably has one of those mini-pouches that carry everything," Cobra Commander waved. "That has its own pocket dimension or something."
"That makes sense," Destro nodded. "I should invent something like that."
"We really could use something like that," Cobra Commander remarked as the sounds of battle were heard outside the room.
"We really could," Destro agreed. "We could market it and make a fortune."
"I know!" Cobra Commander nodded. "It would revolutionize the pocketbook industry."
Destro paused. "Should we…? Help them?"
Cobra Commander paused and listened to the screams and the sounds of everything being destroyed. "No. I think we should give them space. They are professional gods after all."
"You have a point," Destro admitted. "We'd probably just get in the way."
"And you heard Ares," Cobra Commander added. "He did want a warm up."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" A mobster ran by completely on fire.
"Maybe not as warm as that guy," Cobra Commander quipped. He went to pick up a bottle of champagne. "Drink?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
"Why not?" Destro shrugged as he got a clean glass. "I have to admit Commander this night has become much more amusing than I thought it would be."
"Hey you know me," Cobra Commander said as he poured himself and Destro a glass. "I like to party. You work hard. You play hard."
Destro looked at him. "Since when do you work?"
"I'm working on my drinking," Cobra Commander took a drink.
"Nice job," Destro quipped.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
SMASH! CRASH!
HONK! HONK! HONK!
SLICE!
A head of a mobster rolled into the room. "That's one way to get a head," Cobra Commander quipped.
Suddenly the sounds of the fighting stopped. And several cheers were heard. "I think it's over," Destro remarked.
"Already?" Cobra Commander finished his drink. "That was fast." He closed up the hole in his helmet and threw the empty glass to the floor.
They went to take a look. "They may have to redecorate here," Destro remarked. "Blood splatter and dismembered limbs do not go with the wallpaper."
"They must have sent half the mobsters in Vegas after us," Cobra Commander remarked as they carefully walked through the carnage.
"Huh," Destro looked at the devastation. "Perhaps this may work after all?"
"They should rename Fat Vinnie to Cut Into Two Hundred Pieces Vinnie," Cobra Commander quipped.
Several gods were at a roulette table. "Come on over!" Ares called out laughing. "We're just playing a little game to relax after our skirmish."
"Skirmish?" Destro looked around. "Exactly how many people did you kill?"
"Only forty or so…" Ares looked around. "Kind of hard to tell with all the severed limbs."
"Just place your bets!" Enyo called out.
Destro did a double take. "Is that…?"
"One of Fat Vinnie's eyes? Yes," Ares nodded. "We lost the roulette ball. We're using it as a substitute. Want to play?"
"Why not?" Cobra Commander remarked as he stole some chips from another table. "I'm betting on black baby!"
"Not the most disturbing game of roulette I've ever played," Destro admitted as he took some chips from that same table. "I'll bet on red!"
Sponde spun the wheel. "Black 22!"
"I win!" Cobra Commander cackled. "Let it ride!"
Sponde rolled it again. Black 23!"
"I got it this time!" Ma grinned as she collected her winnings.
"It doesn't matter if we lose," Zagreus grinned as he took some more chips from another table.
"Sometimes you just have to play for the fun of the game," Destro agreed.
"Speak for yourself!" Nemesis snarled. "Come on Red 13! Momma needs a win! Red 13!"
"Red 12!" Sponde called out.
"I win again!" Ma cried out.
"Oh, so close!" Sponde snickered.
"You're doing this on purpose!" Nemesis snapped.
"No, he's not," Ares told her. "We're not having that argument again. This time I'll spin."
"Fine!" Nemesis grumbled. "Come on Red 13!"
"Black 14," Ares called out.
"I win!" Cobra Commander cheered.
"Damn it!" Nemesis groaned.
"Uh guys," Ern walked in with Harpo. "You might want to cut this short. Harpo and I accidentally started a fire in the back…"
"AGAIN?" Ma shouted.
"It might be prudent to evacuate the premises," Destro coughed as smoke started to fill into the room.
"Just as well," Cobra Commander admitted as he grabbed some chips. "The cops are probably going to be here any second anyway. I suggest a retreat to our temporary headquarters!"
"I suggest some drinks along the way," Sponde said as they left.
"You're my kind of god, Sponde," Cobra Commander cackled.
"Oh, this is going to be a fun trip," Destro groaned.