A Slight Interdimensional Detour
"Here we are," Destro called out to the others as he piloted the ship to Deming's mansion in New Hampshire. "Our temporary headquarters."
"Are you sure this is the place?" Ares frowned as he looked outside the window.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"I'm sure," Destro sighed as he saw a plume of fire emerge from the woods.
"Yeah that looks like the Dreadnoks' handiwork all right," Cobra Commander admitted as they got closer. "Oh, the mansion isn't on fire. Just the pool in the back."
"It's dying down already," Destro shrugged. "Just a minor fire."
"A minor fire?" Nemesis did a double take.
"These are my kind of people," Perun grinned.
"I'd hardly call the Dreadnoks people…" Destro sighed as he maneuvered the ship for a landing. "More like semi-shaved apes."
"That's insulting to the apes," Cobra Commander quipped as they landed.
"Oh, I also see some other things that are out of place," Destro remarked. "Some cars that look like they've been on fire on the lawn. Trash all over the place. And almost everyone is on the lawn yelling at each other. The Baroness will not be happy."
"Is she ever?" Cobra Commander added.
"Sounds like my ex-wife," Ares admitted.
"Where the hell have you been?" The Baroness stormed up to them as they disembarked the ship. She did a double take at the sight of the gods. "Who are they?"
"Funny story," Destro said dryly. "Cobra Commander and I went to Vegas. We took in a magic show. Met Ares the deposed Greek God of War who was performing in the magic show because he was kicked out of Olympus. We came up with a scheme for Ares and a whole bunch of other disgraced gods to invade Olympus and overthrow Zeus. Got in a fight with Fat Vinnie and his mob gang. Ended up playing roulette with Fat Vinnie's eyeball before burning down the casino."
The Baroness did a double take. "What?"
"Oh," Destro added. "And Cobra Commander and I made five dollars each when some tourists took pictures of us. Nice couple."
The Baroness was stunned. "You legally made money?"
"I know," Destro shrugged. "Weird."
"It was a spur of the moment type of thing," Cobra Commander shrugged. "I know it's a shock that we went to Vegas and brought back some gods for a mission to invade Olympus."
"Honestly the whole legally made money thing is more shocking," The Baroness admitted.
"What happened here?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Oh, the usual," The Baroness waved. "People got drunk. Some of the Dreadnoks decided to hold a demolition derby on the lawn. Ripper found a family of squirrels in the attic when he was looking for something to steal and tried to shoot them. Firefly got mad for some reason and shot him in the foot."
"Oh right," Cobra Commander realized. "You weren't there when he told us he likes squirrels. Apparently, he's always had a soft spot for them."
"That explains why Firefly tried to kill Ripper with his own chain saw," The Baroness added. "And destroyed a lot of furniture."
"Ripper's still alive? Shame," Destro sighed.
The Baroness went on. "Deming got into a screaming match with Blood Wing again. Blood Wing responded by destroying some more objects and furniture. Xamot and Tomax got into a fight with Zandar and Zarana over which group of twins was better for some reason. Poison and Tiffany decided to do some target practice with the good china. Torch got chased by a moose which followed him inside the mansion and is currently squatting in the living room. Along with some raccoons and a family of blue jays."
Destro and Cobra Commander did a double take. "What?"
"I don't know what he did," The Baroness waved. "But I'm sure he deserved it."
"That goes without saying," Destro remarked. "What's the story of the pool being on fire?"
"Oh that," The Baroness waved. "Apparently most of Deming's clothes were put on an inflatable raft filled with some kind of flammable gas and set on fire."
"Someone?" Destro raised an eyebrow.
The Baroness shrugged. "Okay I admit I did that one."
"We figured," Cobra Commander nodded.
"But for the record if she asks…" The Baroness paused. "The Dreadnoks did it."
"Gotcha," Cobra Commander nodded.
Destro agreed. "They are useful as scapegoats I must admit."
"MY CLOTHES!" Deming screamed. "YOU ANIMALS! WHICH ONE OF YOU DESTROYED MY CLOTHES?"
"Uh, I think the Dreadnoks did it," Zarana called out.
"Zarana helped me," The Baroness told them. "I bribed her with some jewelry I stole from Deming."
"That makes sense," Cobra Commander remarked.
"It does?" Ares asked.
"I'm angrier about the four-legged animals our two-legged ones let into the mansion," The Baroness sighed. "Including the bear."
"There's a bear in there too?" Destro did a double take.
Just then a bear's roar was heard. "I honestly don't know how that got in," The Baroness said. "Zarana and I were finishing setting fire to Deming's clothes when I happened to look inside the kitchen window and I saw the bear helping himself to the refrigerator."
"Well why the hell aren't you idiot doing something about it?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Because most of our weapons are also inside the mansion," The Baroness explained.
A blast of laser fire erupted from a window. "We think the raccoons are trying to teach themselves how to use blasters," The Baroness added.
"They might be better shots than some of our soldiers," Cobra Commander quipped.
ZZZAAAAAPP!
"OWWW!" Ripper screamed. "THAT DAMN RACCOON SHOT ME IN ME BLOODY ARM!"
"Definitely better shots," Cobra Commander admitted. "I wonder if there's a way for Mindbender to recruit them?"
ZAAAAPPP!
"OWWWW!" Ripper was heard shouting. "Now they got me in the other leg!"
Destro turned to The Baroness. "The little buggers are starting to grow on me. I must admit."
ZAAAPP! ZAAAPPP!
"Something tells me a raccoon army isn't going to work," The Baroness said dryly as more laser blasts shot out of a window.
"We'll handle this," Ares grinned as he pulled out his sword. "GODS! IT'S TIME TO HUNT!"
"YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" The Gods screamed and charged the house with their weapons out.
Except for Harpo who honked his horn. "HONK! HONK! HONK!"
"Is that Harpo Marx?" The Baroness did a double take.
"Not exactly," Destro sighed. "It's the God of Silence."
"HONK! HONK! HONK!"
"Kind of loud for a God of Silence don't you think?" The Baroness asked as the sounds of fighting and animals being slaughtered were heard.
"To be fair it's not just him," Destro told her.
"SOMEBODY GET ME A BLOODY DOCTOR!" Ripper screamed.
"Okay!" Mindbender shouted cheerfully.
"NOT YOU!" Ripper yelled.
"Oh, don't be such a baby," Mindbender told him.
The Baroness looked at Cobra Commander and Destro. "What was the plan again?"
"Honestly, I think we're just winging it," Destro admitted.
"That's pretty much how our plans work anyway…" The Baroness sighed.
"We have a plan!" Cobra Commander snapped. "A very simple plan to transport some angry gods to Olympus. And overthrow Zeus. It's simple! And fool proof."
"Yes, but which fools is it proof against?" Destro asked. "You've never explained that specifically."
"It will be fine Destro!" Cobra Commander snapped. "With an army of Gods and our spaceship we have everything we need!"
CRASH!
The head of a moose flew through the window and landed at their feet. "Of course, we may need a new temporary headquarters," Cobra Commander admitted. "One that doesn't have as much blood splatter and animal carcasses."
"I agree," Destro said dryly. "Perhaps a nice two-story Cape with a mad scientist lab in the basement?"
"I know you're being sarcastic," Cobra Commander looked at Destro. "But honestly that's my ideal house in the suburbs. Just throw in central air conditioning, an updated kitchen, and an electric fence and I'm golden. Oh, and it also has to be close to downtown. About twenty to thirty minutes away maximum."
"I'll call House Hunter International Terrorist Division," The Baroness quipped.
FOOOOM!
"How did the pool get on fire again?" Cobra Commander shouted.
"Boy did Deming have some cheap clothes," The Baroness remarked. "Then again, Deming's pretty cheap to begin with."
"Too bad you can't say the same for that mansion," Cobra Commander remarked. "Oh well, it's not like she stole from me so…"
"No," Destro corrected. "She stole from the people who stole from you."
"Huh," Cobra Commander remarked. "I guess there is some good in everyone."
"And that's a really good fire," The Baroness remarked. "Which is now attaching itself to the house."
"Yeah I think it's time to go…" Cobra Commander coughed.
"Before we burn to a crisp," The Baroness groaned.
The next day…In another mansion. This time in the remote wilderness of Maine.
"I would like to make something very, very clear!" Deming snarled. She had changed into a blue Cobra uniform. "You people have burned down two of my mansions in two days! You are not making it three for three! I only have so many properties left!"
"I can't believe you have any properties at all," Zartan remarked. He was in the mansion's bar with Cobra Commander, Destro, The Baroness and the Crimson Twins.
"I'm lucky I have any clothes at all thanks to your idiot Dreadnoks!" Deming snarled. "As it is this was all I had left in my closet upstairs! For some reason they took all my other clothes!"
"Bad Dreadnoks," The Baroness casually sipped some whisky. "Very bad Dreadnoks."
"That explains why the fire pit in the back yard is so high," Zartan realized.
"You really should consider investing in clothes that aren't so flammable," The Baroness said simply.
"Speaking of getting high," Deming groaned. "That's what the rest of the idiots and the gods are doing in the back yard."
"What?" Cobra Commander gasped.
"Yeah," Deming told him. "They're drinking and smoking some weird herbs out of a hookah!"
"This is unacceptable!" Cobra Commander shot to his feet. "I'm going to see what's going on here!" He stormed out.
Deming smirked. "Maybe now the Commander will take me seriously? Because no one else is taking anything seriously around here!"
Destro gave her a look. "You realize that he's angry about not getting drunk and high with the rest of them, right?"
"What?" Deming did a double take.
The Baroness sighed as she finished her drink. "It's been a while since you've been with us, hasn't it Deming?"
"What?" Deming was still shocked.
"Come on," Destro sighed as the others got up. "Might as well join the party."
"Party?" Deming shouted.
Outside in the garden area, the Gods and Cobras were sitting around. Drinking, eating some food and some were smoking from a hookah. "What's going on?" Cobra Commander shouted as he stormed up to them. "I demand to know what you are doing!"
"We're relaxing and having drinks," Eurus told him.
"In that case I want in!" Cobra Commander said as he sat down and took a drink from Spode. "From now on, no parties without me!"
"Got it," Ern nodded.
Ripper was lying down bandaged up. "Oh, I feel so much better. In fact, I can't feel a thing."
"Some of that is the drugs I gave you," Mindbender told him.
Blood Wing was in his turkey form smoking a hookah. "This is good birdseed. Shame you can't participate Crystal."
"I'm good," Crystal Ball remarked. He was wearing shades and smoke billowed in his crystal ball. "The spirit realm just opened up their own version of Amazon."
"Really?" Cobra Commander asked. "What's it called?"
"Styx," Crystal Ball told him.
"I've heard of them," Ares said. "My brother Hades runs that. Good company. Ironically, he's less ruthless than the guy who does run Amazon."
"WHAT IS GOING ON?" Deming screamed as she arrived with the others. "I thought we were supposed to be preparing for battle! What are you doing?"
"Chill out lady," Ern said. "We're just relaxing before the big battle."
"Olympus is still going to be there tomorrow," Spode told her as he made more wine bottles appear. "What's the rush?"
"I would have thought that you lot would be chomping at the bit to get back at Zeus," Zarana remarked.
"We are," Ares said. "But you can't rush these things."
"It's a Greek thing," Dagda waved. "See the Greek way is to get all mellow before a huge battle, that way the battle lasts longer."
"Exactly," Ares nodded. "You know I invented meditation?"
"Seriously?" Destro asked.
"True story," Ares took a drink. "I noticed all my battles were too short for my liking. They ended so fast I could barely get a good slaughter going. I realized I was killing my enemies too fast. I needed to find a way to savor the moment. I thought what would relax me? Besides sleeping and drinking. I decided to find a way to simulate sleep while staying awake. So I went up to this hill in India I with my favorite pet ram, Om."
"Om the Ram?" Destro did a double take.
"What? Celestial Rams were in back then," Ares told him. "Anyway, it was a really nice hill. Full of flowers and soft grass. So, I sat down to figure out how to calm myself down enough for battle. To clear my mind. Om was bleating so while I was sitting I had to pet him while saying his name."
"So, you just kept repeating Om…" Cobra Commander realized where this was going.
"Yes," Ares nodded. "Well that seemed to do the trick to not only calm him down but myself. I was able to close my eyes and relax myself and focus. Then I open my eyes only to see twenty mortals sitting around chanting Om's name."
"I don't believe it…" The Baroness was stunned.
"Next thing I know," Ares shrugged. "I started a new trend in all of Asia. Crazy huh?"
"That's one word that springs to mind," Destro admitted.
Zartan spoke up. "Whatever happened to Om?"
"My father ate him," Ares grumbled.
"No wonder you hold a grudge," Destro admitted.
"Exactly!" Ares nodded. "If anyone was going to eat my ram it would be me!"
"What?" Torch asked. "He couldn't wait for KFC or something?"
"Well since this was thousands of years before Kentucky Fried Chicken was invented," Ares looked at Torch. "No. He couldn't."
Ma spoke up. "There was a Greek equivalent back then. Spartan Roasted Lamb. It was a big hit back in the day. A huge franchise. Until the company went bankrupt."
"What happened?" Xamot asked. "Poor management?"
"Mismanaged funds?" Tomax asked.
"Miscalculated food costs?" Xamot added.
"Change of tastes in consumers?" Tomax asked.
"Volcano eruption," Ma shrugged. "Destroyed the entire corporate headquarters of the chain. And almost all the board members. And incinerated the secret recipe."
"Shame," Nemesis sighed. "They had good roasted lamb."
"A lot of people tried to copy the recipe," Enyo shrugged. "They were good but just never got the spices quite right."
"You know every day I learn more about the secret history of the world," Destro mused. "And I wish it remained a secret!"
"Cobra Commander," Deming bristled. "Can I have a word with you?"
"Ugh," Cobra Commander groaned. "You're not going to shut up until I do, are you? Very well." He walked over with her to a space away from the others.
Destro and the Baroness followed. "Do you mind?" Deming glared at them.
"Not really, no," The Baroness smirked.
"Deming what is so important that you have your proverbial underwear in a twist?" Cobra Commander sighed.
"That's assuming she wears underwear," The Baroness remarked.
"That was a cheap shot," Destro told her. "Good job."
"Okay please explain this whole plan to me again," Deming asked. "Because I'm confused. I thought our plan was to take down Mongoose Incorporated."
"It is," Cobra Commander waved. "This is just a little side hustle."
"But Mongoose Incorporated…" Deming began.
"We'll get it to it!" Cobra Commander told her. "Eventually! Spode! Another round of drinks!" He went back to the party.
"I could drink to that," Destro smirked as he and The Baroness went back.
"Me too," The Baroness grinned.
"Now I remember why I went over to Mongoose Incorporated in the first place," Deming groaned.
The day after that…
"Okay!" Cobra Commander clapped his hands once on the bridge of the starship. "Is everybody ready for the big invasion?"
"No!" Ripper groaned. He was still bandaged up and sitting in one of the seats. "I'm still bloody injured!"
"Then you can stay on the ship and guard it!" Cobra Commander told him. "You have one good arm, don't you?"
"I can keep you company," Crystal Ball said cheerfully.
"Swell," Ripper groaned.
"Aw cheer up Ripper," Torch said. "We'll bring you back a souvenir."
"We're not going to Disneyland!" Deming snapped.
"Yeah this will be more fun," Monkeywrench held his weapon. "Because we can use weapons!"
"I can't wait to see Zeus' face when we storm Olympus!" Ares growled. He was in full black and red Greek armor. "And take our rightful place!"
"I can't wait to get paid!" Zartan quipped.
"It's time to go!" Cobra Commander called out.
"Where nobody wanted to go before!" Crystal Ball quipped.
"Onward!" Ares called out. "To fame! To glory!"
Ern called out. "I don't suppose we have time to hit a Starbucks, do we?"
Nemesis spoke up. "I could go for a mocha latte."
"A shot of caffeine in my morning sambuca can't hurt," Spode added.
"Honestly, I could go for some expresso," Dagda added. "And scone!"
"Ooh, scones!" Ma beamed. "Count me in!"
"Now I remember why I usually don't team up with other gods," Ares groaned.
"Is it too early for Pumpkin Spice to be out?" Torch asked.
"Not you too!" Cobra Commander snapped at Torch.
"I'm more of a white mocha myself," The Baroness admitted. "Damn it. Now I could go for a coffee. And a scone."
"They have breakfast sandwiches too," Destro added.
"WHAT IS THIS?" Cobra Commander shouted. "A COMMERICAL?"
"I think we have time for a quick stop before Olympus," Ma told them.
"OKAY! FINE!" Ares groaned. "We'll go to Starbuck's first! Only because I could use another cup of coffee!"
Ares paused. "Actually, a white mocha does sound good. And a breakfast sandwich."
"This is why Cobra usually works alone," Cobra Commander groaned.
After a quick pit stop…
"All right," Cobra Commander sighed as he put down his coffee cup. "Now we're ready!"
"I admit it," Ares finished his coffee. "That is a good way to start an invasion."
"If my armies had this stuff," Ma remarked as she drank. "I'd probably still have a country!"
"Mindbender you have the co-ordinates?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Yes, Commander!" Mindbender nodded as he sat at the controls.
"Then go!" Cobra Commander snarled.
"We're gone baby," Monkeywrench called out as Destro piloted the ship.
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
BLINK!
"Onward to glory!" Ares whooped. "Onward to…Where the hell is this?"
"This doesn't look like Olympus," Destro blinked. "I mean I've never been to Olympus before, but I'm fairly certain Olympus doesn't have a giant Mayan temple on top of a golden mountain."
"It doesn't!" Ares snapped. "What did you idiots do? This isn't Olympus!"
"These are the coordinates you gave us!" Mindbender showed him the paper. "This is what I put in!"
"Ohhhhh…" Ma realized something. "I see what happened. Somebody put an eight here when it should be an ampersand."
"Let me see," Ares took the paper. "Oh right. I always have trouble with that symbol. I put an eight instead of an ampersand."
"It should be #246&873%," Ma explained. "Not #2468873%."
"Sorry, my bad," Ares apologized. Everyone else groaned.
"Well if we're not in Olympus," Cobra Commander snapped. "Where the hell are we?"
"This looks familiar," Ares frowned. "Mayan temple on a gold mountain. Clouds. Some storm clouds over there. Rainbow waterfalls."
"This looks like one of the Forbidden Realms," Blood Wing looked at the temple. "I recognize those marks! That's the temple of Quetzalcoatl! The feathered serpent god!"
"Uh oh," Ares gulped.
"Uh oh?" Destro did a double take. "The God of War is saying 'uh oh'?"
"I know what happens when I say, 'uh oh'," Cobra Commander looked at him. "What does it mean when you say it?"
"We kind of have a beef," Ares admitted. "I may have tried to kill him once or twice. Or five times. Maybe six?"
"Swell…" Cobra Commander groaned.
"Uh oh," Blood Wing gulped.
"Why are you saying uh oh?" Destro asked the vampire turkey.
"I sort of killed one of his head priests," Blood Wing coughed. "Funny story…"
"I don't want to know," Destro groaned. "It might not be prudent to stick around here then."
Torch pointed. "I'm guessing then that giant serpent with the feathers on his head is the bloke you're talking about?"
"That's him," Ares groaned as a giant feathered serpent flew towards them. "You have an intercom on this ship? I think it's best if I do the talking."
"Knock yourself out," Destro did as he activated the intercom.
"INTRUDERS!" Quetzalcoatl snarled as the serpent god hovered before them. "I know you! I smell you!"
"Hey! Quetzal," Ares called out. "It is I! Ares! God of War! Sorry to bother you like this. Funny story, we were on our way to invade Olympus and take it over and we made a wrong turn. But since we're here how about you come with us and help us invade Olympus! In exchange for your help, I will give you sacrifices and riches that you deserve! What do you say?"
"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
"Okay I know," Ares let out a breath. "We've had a few quarrels. But our last fight wasn't that bad. Technically it ended in a draw. But I'm prepared to offer you the glory of battle and conquest to make up for it. We can begin a new era of the Gods!"
"SILENCE!" Quetzalcoatl snarled. "Even if I wanted to fight beside you Ares, I would not! Especially since you surround yourself with desecrators!"
"Okay listen," Blood Wing spoke up. "I'm sorry about what happened with your high priest. But in all fairness the guy was stealing tributes from you and sacrificing the wrong people…"
"NOT YOU!" Quetzalcoatl snarled. "THEM! The mortals you surround yourself with! These are the desecrators who destroyed one of my prized temples!"
"Desecrators?" Cobra Commander was confused. "What's he talking about? I've never seen that serpent before in my life!"
"Uh oh," Destro realized something.
"What?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Remember the Weather Dominator?" Destro asked. "And one of the pieces fell in the Aztec Temple of Doom?"
"Yeah so…?" Cobra Commander paused. "Oh…"
"That was one of Quetzy's main temples!" Blood Wing shouted. "What did you do?"
"Uh…" Cobra Commander and Destro looked at each other.
FLASHBACK!
A giant Cobra mecha was fighting a giant stone Aztec temple guardian. Wrecking the temple with their fight.
FLASHBACK!
That same temple crashed into a giant chasm that opened up underneath it.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Yeah that would piss him off," Blood Wing admitted.
"Okay," Ares sighed. "I guess we're going to have to go to Plan B then."
"Which is?" Destro sighed. "I ask even though I have a general idea."
Less than five minutes later…
"AAAAHHHHH!" Ares screamed as he used his sword to slash at the feathered snake serpent while running up its back. The starship was blasting at the creature too as it held it in its long tail.
"I was right!" Destro groaned.
"Reverse thrusters and get us out of here!" Cobra Commander shouted.
"Before the serpent god squeezes this ship like a tube of toothpaste!" Zartan winced at the sounds of the ship's hull being strained.
"ARES GET BACK HERE!" Ma shouted over the communicator.
"BUT MA…" Ares groaned. "I'm in the middle of the battle!"
"Save it for the other battle!" Ma shouted. "Remember?"
"Oh right, Zeus…" Ares realized. "Okay Quetzalcoatl we'll finish this another day!"
Ares broke away from the serpent and ran down its back. With a mighty roar he focused his divine energy into his sword which made it glow. Then used that sword to slice the tail that was holding the spaceship.
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRR!"
"HA!" Ares cheered in triumph as he made a godly leap to the top of the spaceship. "Let me in!"
"Good idea!" Zandar went to the airlock to give Ares a way in.
"RRRRRRRRAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
"You cut off his tail?" The Baroness did a double take as Ares entered through the airlock.
"Like it won't grow back," Ares waved.
"Oooh," Blood Wing winced. "He's really going to be pissed at us for a long time."
"YOU THINK?" Cobra Commander shouted. "GET US OUT OF HERE!"
"I've got it," Ares made his way to the control center. "This time I'll punch in the codes myself."
"Hang on," Nemesis realized something. "Should we let Ares put in the code for Olympus? He's the one who got us lost in the first place!"
"Why didn't we just retreat in the first place?" Poison asked.
"That's actually a valid question," Cobra Commander admitted.
"RARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
"How about we do it now?" Destro shouted as the spaceship barely missed a blast of fire. "Now seems good!"
"The coordinates are in!" Ares called out.
"We're out of here!" Zartan called out.
Soon the spaceship had zoomed through the dimensions. "Okay I admit that was a bit of a detour," Ares said. "But soon we will march through the gates of Olympus!"
FLOOOOM!
"Uh…." Torch looked out the window to see nothing but darkness. "I don't see any gates."
"Or much of anything," Zarana remarked.
"Where are we now?" Destro asked.
"It looks like we're in some kind of cave," The Baroness remarked. "There's something down there!"
"It looks like a river," Destro noticed. "A long green glowing river."
"And it looks like a lot of people are swimming in it," Torch said. "Well not as much swimming as they are floating."
"That's the River Styx you moron," Crystal Ball told him. "We're in Hades!"
"WHAT?" Everyone else shouted.
"Oops," Ares blinked.
Enyo looked at Ares. "Ares, I love you but you have the directional sense of Odysseus!"
"I thought the gods purposely kept Odysseus away from Ithaca?" Destro asked.
"That's Ovid's interpretation," Nemesis corrected. "The truth is that man couldn't navigate his way out of an open barrel."
"That man would get lost on a one-way street," Enyo agreed. "In fact, he did. Repeatedly."
"A lot of those so-called myths and legends about us are basically little more than tabloid journalism," Ares admitted.
"Well we're more than a little off course!" The Baroness snapped.
"I knew we shouldn't have let Ares give the directions!" Nemesis groaned.
"Okay I admit it," Ares sighed. "This is a slight interdimensional detour!"
"SLIGHT DETOUR?" Cobra Commander shouted. "We're in HELL! THAT'S NOT A SLIGHT DETOUR!"
"For most of these people it's a final destination," Crystal Ball quipped.
"Technically we're not in Hell," Ares corrected. "We're in Hades. Which is actually a Greek God controlled region of Hell. But not in Main Hell. Just a suburb of Hell."
"It's still Hell you idiot!" Ma barked at him.
"Okay I can get us out of this," Ares groaned. "Just take a left at that stalactite over there."
"Is that one of those things that are on the top or the bottom?" Zartan asked. "I always forget."
"Well there's both all over the place!" Nemesis snapped. "It's pretty much a moot point!"
"Just go left," Destro sighed.
"Are you crazy?" Dagda snapped. "You're taking Ares' directions? Go right!"
"No, we go left!" Ares snapped. "I know what I'm doing!"
"That will be a first," Nemesis grumbled. Harpo honked in agreement.
"I've won many battles!" Ares snapped.
"It's a miracle he found his way to the battlefield at all," Ma grumbled. "Let alone won any battles!"
"Let's not start that again!" Ares snapped.
"I'd still have a damn temple if it wasn't for you!" Ma snapped. "You were supposed to aid my troops and you never showed up!"
"I told you!" Ares snapped. "That was Hercules' fault!"
"Hercules got you drunk and lost in Macedonia?" Ma shouted.
"YES!" Ares snapped. "Well the drunk part anyway."
"Which way do we go?" Destro asked. "Left or right?"
"Left!" Ares barked.
"RIGHT!" Ma shouted.
"Great plan Cobra Commander!" Deming snarled.
"Don't you start!" Cobra Commander snapped back.
"You're on thin ice as it is!" The Baroness added.
"I'M ON THIN ICE?" Deming screamed. "YOU PEOPLE NEARLY KILLED ME AND BURNED DOWN MY HOUSE! TWICE!"
"You're not going to let that go, are you?" Zandar quipped.
"Turn left!" Ares ordered.
"Turn right!" Dagda said.
"I'm in charge here!" Ares snapped. "I decide where we go!"
"We're in Hades!" Nemesis snapped. "It's pretty obvious your decisions are not working!"
"And I suppose you can do better?" Ares snapped. "Anyone want to challenge me?"
HONK! HONK!
"Oh, give me a break Harpo!" Ares snapped.
"Which way do we go?" Destro snapped. "Left or right?"
"Left!" Ares snapped.
"Right!" All the other gods said at the same time.
HONK!
"You're really starting to annoy me, Harpo!" Ares snapped.
HONK! HONK!
"Oh yeah?" Ares snapped as he pulled out his sword.
"Great plan, Cobra Commander!" Deming groaned.
"Not helping Deming!" Cobra Commander snapped.
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
A huge wall of blue fire erupted before them. "HEY NEPHEW!" A booming voice called out. "WHY DON'T YOU COME ON DOWN FOR A NICE VISIT?"
"Oh great," Ares groaned. "Now we gotta deal with Hades."
"This is all on you!" Nemesis snapped at Ares.
"You're not going to let this go, are you?" Ares groaned.
"I'm the Goddess of Retribution!" Nemesis snapped. "That's my whole deal!"
"I'm putting the ship down," Destro pointed. "It looks like there's a place we can land."
"Why not ask Hades for directions?" Ma asked.
"Because we're not lost," Ares snapped.
"We kind of are," Nemesis told him.
HONK!
"You said it Harpo," Spode added.
"You know Hades never gives anything away for free!" Ares snapped. "I'd have to make a deal with him!"
"So, make a damn deal!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"His type of deals usually involves mortals dying," Ares told him. "I'm not so sure you'd be up for that!"
"Let's just get this over with," Dagda groaned.
"Sure, let's all go to Hell," Deming rolled her eyes. "Oh wait…"
"This is not going to be pleasant," Ares groaned. "Hades is so annoying."
"He's annoying?" Ma snapped.
"At least he knows his directions!" Nemesis snapped.
A tall man with blue fire for hair wearing a biker style outfit was standing before them as they disembarked from the ship. "Hey! Ares! Goobah! Long time no see! How ya doing? You don't call. You don't write. A guy worries about you, ya know?"
"I highly doubt it," Ares groaned. "You're not wearing your usual outfit."
"Like the new look?" Hades asked. "The whole toga thing was so out. Talkin' pre-Renaissance. I decided to change it up. Get with the times. Get stylin'! Kids today don't want your stuffy suit button downed look. They can't relate to that. You gotta get edgy!"
"I like it," Torch spoke up.
"You would," The Baroness rolled her eyes.
"Said the chick wearing leather!" Firefly snapped.
"Huh," Hades looked at the group. "Usually we don't get mortals. Live ones anyway."
HONK! HONK!
"Hey! Harpo!" Hades fist bumped him. "What's shakin' bacon? Got a new horn I hear. Oh yeah that's a good one."
"Perry! Daggy! How's it going? Oh, come on! Why the long faces? You still can't be sore about me winning everything after that last card game. That's ancient history. Literally. I mean the Colosseum had its first fresh coat of paint on it when that happened!"
"Eurus! Boobala! How you doin'? Whoo!" Hades waved. "Last time I smelled something that ripe, I forgot to let Cerberus out for walkies!"
"Hey, Hades," Nemesis waved.
"Nemesis, hello darling!" Hades kissed her on the cheek. Nemesis kissed back. "How's it going with all that vengeance stuff?"
"It's okay," Nemesis waved.
"Tell me what are you doing lately? Pilates? You look mah-velous!" Hades grinned. "Hey Ern! Enyo! Sponde my dude! Zagreus my main man! What up? What is this? A family reunion and nobody told me?"
Hades looked at the Cobras. "And you even brought entertainment. Cobra. Wow, I tell ya, I've heard of some real snakes before but you guys really put the venom in venomous! So what, pray tell are all of you doing here?"
"We're not here for a visit," Ares growled.
"I figured that," Hades looked at him. "You don't visit me at all. Keep it in mind if you're ever hiding from Zeus. This would be the last place he'd look. So, come on. Spill it. What happened?"
"We were on our way to Olympus," Destro spoke up.
"And Ares gave you the wrong address, didn't he?" Hades quipped.
"Twice!" Ma barked. She hit Ares over the head with her purse.
"OW! MA!" Ares barked.
"Okay I gotta ask," Hades smirked. "What crazy scheme have you come up with this time Ares? Especially if it involves the Fang Gang That Couldn't Shoot Straight over here?"
"Nothing," Ares winced. Ma hit him again. "OW!"
"Ares hired us to take him to Olympus," Cobra Commander spoke up. "So he and his group could take it over from Zeus."
"You're trying to take over Olympus again?" Hades snorted.
"He's done this before?" Destro asked.
"Oh yeah," Hades snorted. "More times than me now that I think about it. And yet people always think I'm the bad guy."
"You're not going to inform Zeus about this are you?" Ares asked.
"Are you kidding? I have no problem with this," Hades shrugged. "You want to take over Olympus. Be my guest."
"That reminds me," Cobra Commander asked. "How's the merger with Disney going?"
"How did you know I was involved in that?" Hades asked.
"It seemed like something you'd do," Cobra Commander shrugged.
"Good actually," Hades said. "In fact, it's given me ideas. See that area over there? Right behind the lava pit? I've converted that part into a theme park. It not only solves the unemployment problem here by putting lost souls to work, I've made quite a bit of cash."
"Who visits?" Zartan did a double take.
Hades shrugged. "A lot of gods from other realms. Demons. Monsters. A lost soul here and there. It's pretty varied. Come on, I'll give you the tour!"
"We don't have time for this!" Ares barked.
"Oh, I think you do," Hades looked at him. "Come on! You haven't visited me since, oh I don't know. EVER! The least you can do is hang with your uncle for a bit. Especially after that last mess I helped you out of. Remember?"
"Yes I…" Ares coughed.
"You know? With those nymphs that worked for Zeus and all that ambrosia?" Hades went on. "And the marmalade? And the giant net? And the pink dress? And…"
"OKAY! FINE!" Ares shouted. "YOU DON'T NEED TO GO INTO FURTHER DETAILS!"
"I think he does," Nemesis snickered. "Oh, come on Ares, this looks like it will be fun."
"Yeah so we check out a theme park for an hour or two?" Spode spoke up. "It's free admission, right?"
"Only cost your souls," Hades quipped. "Kidding! I kid! Anything for family and their friends!"
"It sounds like fun!" Torch grinned.
"Just don't eat anything unless you want to end up like Persephone," Destro said. "On second thought, gorge yourself."
"Oh, not this again!" Hades groaned.
"Here we go," Dagda groaned.
"Just had to say the P-Word didn't you?" Ma looked at Destro.
"What?" Destro asked.
"I didn't kidnap Persephone!" Hades snapped. "It was more like the other way around! That woman stalked me for years, then snuck onto my wagon when I wasn't looking!"
"That was crazy," Ares admitted.
"And Demeter the mother in law from Hell wasn't much better," Hades groaned. "But Zeus thought our marriage was a good thing and came up with the whole half year living situation. Spring became my favorite season."
"So, you were forced into marriage?" Cobra Commander asked. "Boy can I relate!"
"Yeah it was a regular bow and arrow marriage," Hades groaned. "Thank the Underworld she eventually lost interest in me and wanted a divorce so she could chase after this other poor schmuck."
"Who?" Destro asked.
"Some Native American God we met at a mixer," Hades waved. "I forget his name. Wore this really colorful coat. Didn't matter. It only lasted about two centuries. Then she went off after some other God with six arms. But she's not my problem anymore!"
"Yes…" Ares began.
Hades' fire hair grew even bigger. "NOT MY PROBLEM!"
"O-kay…" Ares gulped. He looked at the others. "His ex-wives are a sore subject."
"I can relate," Destro groaned.
"Me too," Cobra Commander nodded.
Deming did a double take. "You were both married?"
"Don't ask," The Baroness sighed.
Hades calmed down. "The point is mortals can eat most of the things here without any problems. Fun fact, a lot of gods and demons like to eat the same kinds of food mortals do. And they get a little miffed if they're cursed. So, the food safe to eat. Mostly."
A skeleton figure walked up to them with a drink in it's hand. It drank it and then dissolved instantly. "Just stay away from the Acid Berry Appletinis," Hades added.
"Gotcha," Cobra Commander nodded.
"I think Commander for once you should stay sober," Destro cautioned.
"That would imply he was sober to begin with," Zartan quipped.
"I'm sober-ish," Cobra Commander shrugged.
"Why did I come back to this group?" Deming groaned.
"Preaching to the choir," Firefly agreed.
Half an hour later…
"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Torch whooped as several Dreadnoks rode a roller coaster made of bones.
"BEST DAY EVER!" Monkeywrench cried out.
"YEAHHHHH!" Ripper was riding as well as bandaged up as he was. Suddenly he fell out of his seat during a loop-de-loop and landed in another one. On his head.
"I'M GOOD!" Ripper whooped.
"Good thing that bloke landed on his head," Torch remarked.
"Hey shouldn't we use the advanced stuff on the ship to heal him?" Buzzer realized.
"Eventually!" Zandar whooped. "WHOO HOO!"
Ares watched from the sidelines. "Ugh. Why do my invasions never go to plan?"
Cobra Commander, Destro and the Baroness were walking with him and Hades. "What are you talking about?" Cobra Commander asked. He was holding a stuffed monster. "This place is great! These rides are amazing."
"I enjoyed the Tunnel of Hate," The Baroness admitted. "Very therapeutic actually."
"Crash Mountain, The Tower of Real Terror," Cobra Commander listed. "Demon Pirates of the Underworld. Teacups of Terror. Underworld Safari. Lava Ride. It's A Horrible World After All."
"That song was rather catchy," Destro admitted. "The attractions are amazing. I didn't know Cerberus could play the piano."
"A very big piano," The Baroness nodded.
"WHOOO HOOO!" Dagda whooped as he and several other gods zoomed by on bumper cars.
CRASH! SMASH!
"Aren't those bumper cars supposed to be in a particular area?" Destro asked. "For safety's sake?"
"Where's the fun in that?" Hades asked.
SMASH!
"Sorry!" Ern called out. "Good thing you're already dead, huh pal?"
"Commander!" The Crimson Twins ran up.
"We just went…" Xamot began.
"On the most amazing ride!" Tomax added.
"Sex Mountain!" The Twins said as one.
"That's my next stop!" Cobra Commander grinned.
"Mine too," Destro said. The Baroness glared at him. "What?"
"Don't worry Baroness," Tomax said.
"Women have their own ride," Xamot added.
"Man Whorin'," The Twins said as one with a groan.
"That's my next stop!" The Baroness grinned. Destro glared at her. "What?"
"We were supposed to invade Olympus," Ares groaned. "Instead we invaded a theme park! In Hell!"
"So many times, people have told us to go here," Cobra Commander remarked. "If I'd known how much fun it would be, I'd have taken their suggestion!"