Return To Cobra Island

"Cobra Island," Cobra Commander hissed as he saw the island approaching. "This is where we will house our operations! This is where it will all begin!"

"Correction," Destro pointed out. "This is where it began decades ago! And we're no closer to our goal than we were back then! We don't even have an army anymore!"

"We don't need an army," Cobra Commander told him. "We have a spaceship, a ton of cash and several weapons. We're good."

"We're not good," Destro told him. "We're far from good."

"Well we're not in jail," Zartan retorted. "So that means we're not bad either!"

"As much as I hate to agree with Zartan, Destro," The Baroness spoke up. "He has a point. Plus, we've been forced on the lam with far less than what we have now."

"Technically we broke even," Zartan agreed.

"A little better than even actually," Zandar added.

"Yes," Xamot added. "We're not in a stupid chicken restaurant!"

"Definitely better," Tomax nodded.

"But we're still no closer to our goal of world domination!" Destro told them. "How can you take over the world without an army?"

"You can ask Oprah," Torch spoke up. "She's doing pretty well."

"She has people," Buzzer told him. "Lots of them."

"Oh right," Torch realized. "Maybe we can poach her recruiter?"

"Look all the Cobras we need are right on this spaceship!" Cobra Commander looked at the Dreadnoks in distaste. "Including a few we don't need."

"Think of it as streamlining our organization," The Baroness added.

Prophasis walked out of the back. "Can your organization get a better bathroom back there? Seriously. I think Cloacina was on the rag or something!"

"Oh God," Zartan groaned. "I forgot this guy was still here."

"Damn it," Cobra Commander grumbled. "I knew I forgot to do something in Washington DC!"

"That would have been a good place to put him," Mindbender admitted.

"Well I would have said something earlier," Prophasis protested. "But I was having some tummy troubles. And you all looked like you were very busy doing your own thing. I pretty much decided to stay out of the way. I mean you really didn't need me, did you? I mean it's not like you are lacking for firepower over here."

"Who's this guy?" Vapor asked.

"Prophasis," Destro sighed. "The Greek God of Excuses."

"Okay maybe, maybe I shouldn't have had all that ambrosia I snuck aboard earlier?" Prophasis went on. "But I eat when I'm nervous. And I know ambrosia just goes right to my thighs. I've been meaning to hit the gymnasium but what with all the stuff I had to do and I forgot to pay my membership fee…"

"Commander," Destro glared at him. "I've put up with a lot with our subordinates in the past. And I mean a lot. But this is where I draw the line!"

"Could you possibly draw the line in Miami Beach?" Prophasis asked. "No, wait there are too many hurricanes and the sand itches between my toes. And a lot of that food is just too spicy and you know what that does to my stomach. And don't get me started on the heat. I just can't take the heat. I just can't. I think I have poorly functioning sweat glands. That's what I have."

"Cor," Torch grumbled. "This bloke is annoying even by Dreadnok standards."

"And considering Dreadnoks don't have any standards…" The Baroness added. "That is saying something."

"If he stays I'm jumping into the ocean," Poison spoke up.

"Me too," Firefly added.

"Even being a turkey is better than this!" Blood Wing snapped.

"How about the Hamptons?" Prophasis asked. "No wait, it gets so crowded in the summer. And don't get me started on the traffic…"

"I have an idea," Cobra Commander took out his blaster and shot Prophasis.

However, the laser blast barely did anything to him. "Owwwie" Prophasis whined. "That was very, very, very annoying!"

"So are you!" Cobra Commander screamed.

"He's immortal, remember?" Destro sighed. "Nothing less than a weapon made by the gods can kill him."

"Oh right," Cobra Commander grumbled. "What if I stab him with my trident? Would that work?"

"Oh, like Poseidon never tried that before?" Prophasis rolled his eyes.

"That I believe," The Baroness sighed.

"Pretty much every god in Olympus has tried to kill me at least once," Prophasis admitted. "But you know? Immortal. Plus, I am a lot tougher than I look. I think it's because I'm related to some rock titan on my mother's side. My skin is very thick and leathery. And I know. I know I should moisturize. I've been looking for the right product but my skin tends to break out and…"

"Are you telling me we're stuck with this?" Cobra Commander screamed.

"Hang on," Zartan changed the flight plan of the starship. "I know just the place to put him."

"An active volcano?" Zarana asked.

"Better," Zartan said. "Somewhere he'll do plenty more damage!"

Less than an hour later…

"AAAAAHHH!" Prophasis screamed as he was thrown violently out of the spaceship onto the ground.

"AND STAY OUT!" Cobra Commander screamed. "GET US OUT OF HERE!"

"Well that's just rude," Prophasis sniffed as the spaceship zoomed away. "Where am I?"

He got up, turned around and looked at the building behind him. MASSACHUSETTS DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES. "Oh…" He said cheerfully. "This looks promising!" He went inside.

A few hours later…

"Cobra Island," Cobra Commander said as the spaceship flew over the remote jungle island. "It's good to be back. I admit it. I missed this place. The warmth of the jungle. The peace and quiet."

"RARRRRR!"

"The giant mutant alligators," The Baroness remarked as she saw giant lizards in the river.

"Were they always there?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Yes, but they were a lot smaller when I left them," Mindbender admitted.

"RARRRRR!"

"As well as those triceratops," Mindbender blinked.

"Oh right," Xamot realized.

"We had a few dinosaurs left over from that whole cloning incident," Tomax realized.

"Okay, so we'll need to put an electric fence around the place to keep out the wildlife?" Cobra Commander shrugged.

"The giant mutated man-eating wildlife," Zartan groaned.

"Is this why we left?" Torch asked.

"No, you twit," Buzzer looked at him. "We were attacked by the Joes and had to flee."

"They didn't keep this island?" Tiffany asked.

"SCREEEEE!"

A giant bird like creature flew by the spaceship. "Would you keep this place?" Zarana asked.

"Another new rule, no birdfeeders," Cobra Commander added.

"Is that one of yours too?" Zartan asked Mindbender.

"No," Mindbender blinked. "I wasn't working on any bird mutations. I think Raptor was playing around with some."

"Figures," Cobra Commander sighed. "Just land in that hanger over there."

"The one with the giant hole in the middle?" Zartan asked.

"Yes, the one with the giant hole in the middle!" Cobra Commander snapped. "How else are we going to get in?"

"Well there's another hole on the side of the…" Torch began and pointed.

"I SEE IT!" Cobra Commander shouted. "Just land the ship!"

Soon the ship had landed and the Cobras had disembarked. "I thought my old temple was a wreck," Blood Wing remarked as he looked at the ruins around him.

"So this place is a bit of a fixer upper?" Cobra Commander admitted. "It's nothing a little paint and some minor renovations can't fix!"

"Sure," The Baroness said sarcastically. "We'll just run down to Home Depot and get what we need."

"There are some aircraft here," Zarana pointed at some Rattlers and Night Adders nearby. "We could use those."

"Hang on…" Zandar noticed something. He pointed at the graffiti on the walls. Saying things like COBRA RULEZ! SNAKE POWER! PARTY TIME!

"Was that there before?" Zartan asked.

"I don't think so…" Cobra Commander blinked.

"There's something else," Zartan looked around and went to some trash nearby. He picked up a bag of chips. "Empty…Hmmm…"

"It's an empty bag of chips," Cobra Commander said sarcastically. "So what?"

"It's not just a bag of chips," Zartan frowned. "It's a bag of Jumpin' Jack's Ultimate Supreme Pizza chips."

"No bloody way," Ripper gasped.

"Those are delicious!" Torch nodded. "Wait a minute…"

"So, they're gourmet chips?" The Baroness rolled her eyes. "If there is such a thing."

"It was named 2013's New Flavor of the Year," Torch looked at her. "From all the big food product magazines."

"I don't see what's so…" Destro began. Then stopped. "Hang on."

"Those things only came out last year!" Buzzer told him.

"Didn't we abandon this base in 1989?" The Baroness realized.

"Yes," Zartan frowned as he looked at the bag. "And according to this sell by date these chips are fresh. Which means…?"

"Wait is someone living here?" Destro was stunned.

That was when they heard a clanking noise behind them. They turned around and saw a platoon of armored BATS marching in through a pair of doors. And they were all carrying very big blasters.

ZAPP! ZAPP! ZAPP! ZAP! ZAAAAP!

"Apparently," The Baroness said sarcastically as they scattered to not be hit by the laser fire.

"AAAAHHH!" Vapor and Zero screamed.

"Oh, stop screaming you twits!" Zarana yelled at them as she shot at the BATS with her blaster.

"WHO THE HELL IS FIRING ON US?" Cobra Commander screamed.

"Someone is remote controlling those Battle Android Troopers!" Mindbender gasped as they took cover behind some machinery.

"No? Really?" Cobra Commander screamed sarcastically. "WHO DARES FIRE ON COBRA COMMANDER?"

"Bloody Hell!" Zartan grumbled as he fired on the BAT but his lasers bounced off. "These things are armor proofed!"

"Oh right," Mindbender realized. "I armor proofed the BATS before we left."

"GREAT JOB MINDBENDER!" Cobra Commander screamed. "BLOOD WING DO SOMETHING!"

"LIKE WHAT?" Blood Wing snapped. "I can't kill anything that's not alive!"

"DESTRO FIRE YOUR ROCKET LAUNCHERS!" Cobra Commander screamed.

"I used them up during the fight with Hotwire!" Destro shouted.

"Well somebody do something!" Cobra Commander screamed as the BATS advanced and the Cobras took cover. Then he heard an engine. "What was that?"

They saw Zartan had managed to get into the cockpit of one of the Night Ravens. "ZARTAN YOU SELFISH COWARD!" Destro roared. "ARE YOU JUST GOING TO LEAVE US HERE?"

"Oh, for crying out…" Zartan rolled his eyes. "As much as I'd love to…" He pushed some buttons, activating the weapons systems.

FOOOOOOOOOOM!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"YES! YES!" Cobra Commander whooped as several BATS were destroyed. "THAT'S PUTTING THE VENOM IN THEIR COFFEE! WHOOO HOOO!"

"Cobra Commander? Is that you?" A familiar voice came over the intercom. "Guys kill the BATS! Shut them down!"

"What the devil?" Destro blinked as the remaining BATS powered down. "I know that voice…"

"So do I," The Baroness realized.

Just then a familiar figure wearing a red uniform and a red mask showed up. "Cobra Commander? Destro? It is you!"

"Wild Weasel?" Destro was stunned. "I thought you left Cobra!"

"I thought he was dead," Mindbender admitted.

"So did I," Zartan remarked as he got out of the plane.

"Me too," Cobra Commander admitted.

"No, I just did some freelance work for a bit," Wild Weasel waved as he walked up to them. "I've been using Cobra Island for a hideout. Especially after what happened in Africa."

"What happened?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Well for starters…" Wild Weasel sighed. "I was hired by this dictator to do some simple bombing missions. But I ended up bombing the wrong village. And the dictator's palace."

"I take it the dictator wasn't too happy," Destro drawled.

"Well his surviving relatives weren't," Wild Weasel admitted. "The new dictator didn't have a problem with it. Unfortunately, right after that he had the bright idea to attack Wakanda…That did not go well."

"I would imagine it wouldn't," Cobra Commander nodded.

"I was lucky to get out with my life let alone…" Wild Weasel paused. "Never mind. Not important."

"Just like everything else in your life," Cobra Commander snarled. "Next question, what the hell were you thinking when you sent these BATS after us?"

"Sorry Commander," Wild Weasel apologized. "We thought you were those AIM losers from the island next door. They've been trying to plunder our resources for months. The word try is operative. Those losers make the Dreadnoks look like Rhodes Scholars!"

"We?" Cobra Commander asked. "Who else is here?"

"For starters the remaining four members of my original squad," Wild Weasel told him. "The Flying Serpents. Stinger, Wolfman, Maverick and Goose."

"I take it they're huge fans of the movie Top Gun," The Baroness realized.

"We watch it at least once a week," Wild Weasel nodded.

"I don't remember them," Cobra Commander blinked.

"Really?" Wild Weasel asked. "They've been with Cobra since the 80's. We've flown a lot of missions together. They went with me in that whole mess in Africa and Wakanda. They're all that's left of the original squad."

"I have no idea who they are," Cobra Commander admitted.

"The way you drink I'm amazed you know who you are!" Destro snapped. "I remember them. They were the best pilots Cobra had! It was a squad of fifty well trained pilots."

"Now there's just the five of us," Wild Weasel sighed. "Lost a lot of good men over the years. And Wakanda…Ugh. We lost Strafe, Iceman, Backdraft, Runaround, and Fluke."

"Oh no," Torch gasped. "Not Fluke! Not Fluke!"

"You remember him?" Cobra Commander looked at Torch.

Torch shrugged. "Kind of hard to forget a guy who can outdrink a Dreadnok but still paid the bar tab for everybody. After setting fire to the bar."

Destro decided it was best to press on. "Who else is here?"

Wild Weasel told him. "Remember Squad 8?"

"No," Cobra Commander admitted.

"They were one of the defense squads of the island," Destro told him. "They returned?"

"They never left," Wild Weasel explained. "After the last battle of Cobra Island, they fled into the jungle. Waited until everyone else took off and returned. The remaining members have been living here ever since. Apparently, they like it here. Both of them."

"Only two members survived out of an entire squad?" The Baroness asked.

"There were a few incidents over the years," Wild Weasel admitted. "They learned the hard way not to drink any wine made out of poisonous fruit. Or go skinny dipping at night when the mutant alligators are out. Or try to fly on a giant raptor. Or play with fireworks while drunk."

"I think I get the picture," Destro sighed. "And it's not a good one."

"Then there was that one night when they came up with a new game," Wild Weasel added. "Bobbing for Grenades."

"Let me guess," The Baroness sighed. "The only people that won were the ones who didn't play?"

"Bingo," Wild Weasel nodded. "By the way you might not want to go into that one room with the yellow tape across the door in the south wing. We never could get that completely clean."

Cobra Commander sighed. "Anyone else?"

Wild Weasel nodded. "Yeah. Hannibal, Julius, Philip and Napoleon are living here too."

"WHO?" Cobra Commander snapped.

"The backup clones of Serpentor," Mindbender realized. "Bred to become either his heirs or his personal guard. They survived?"

"Well some of them," Wild Weasel admitted. "The ones that decided to stay on the island anyway. And didn't get eaten by mutant crocodiles."

"HANG ON!" Cobra Commander snarled. "I thought the Joes destroyed those brats!"

"Yeah, I may have lied about that," Mindbender admitted. "I was in a rush and there were bombs going off. I was kind of busy and I figured…"

"You obviously figured wrong, Mind Bungler!" Cobra Commander snarled. "I will not have those clone creeps threatening my rule!"

Wild Weasel sighed. "I don't think you have to worry about that Commander. They have different priorities now."

"What do you mean?" The Baroness asked.

"They're teenagers now," Wild Weasel told them. "Teenagers that have had not any formal real schooling in over a decade. All they've learned is what they read online or watch on TV."

"You mean…?" Destro realized.

"YO! WEASEL!" A tall teenage boy with shaggy black hair wearing all black clothes and silver chains walked out. "Can you like lend us a plane or something? There's this really sick looking music festival in the Bahamas we want to check out. Also get some more grape soda."

"No! We want orange soda!" Another teenage boy who looked like him with long black hair wearing black and red clothes stormed out.

The two boys started to fight. "Grape soda!"

"Orange soda!"

"Grape soda!"

"Orange soda!"

"Grape soda!"

"Orange soda!"

"DOGPILE!" Yet another teenage boy who looked exactly like him with shorter black hair wearing black and purple clothes called out and tackled them. Then they started brawling.

"How about cherry soda?" A fourth teenage boy wearing green and black clothes showed up. Then they all tackled him fighting.

"Oh, dear God," Zartan's eyes widened in horror. "Teenage Dreadnoks."

"Oh, coming here was a mistake," The Baroness groaned.

At the sound of her voice the teenage boys stopped fighting. After looking at the Baroness for one second, they raced over to her. "Hi! Hi! Hi!" They said excitedly.

"I'm Hannibal," The long-haired teen in black said excitedly.

"I'm Julius," The teen wearing black and red clothes said happily.

"I'm Philip," The teen with short hair waved.

"I'm Napoleon," The teen with black and purple clothes said. "It's very nice to meet you."

"Very nice," The other teens nodded excitedly.

"What's with them?" The Baroness blinked.

"You're woman wearing a very tight black leather outfit," Zarana groaned. "Why do you think?"

The teenagers noticed the other women too. "Ladies!" Julian tried to be smooth.

"Don't even think about it," Zarana growled at them.

"Where is my taser?" Poison grumbled to herself.

"Yeah back off Romeos," Tiffany added.

"They may be horny little idiots," Wild Weasel explained. "But they're very good with technology. In fact, they're the ones who rebuilt the BATS. And got us free cable."

"Anyone else here?' Cobra Commander asked.

"No that's it," Wild Weasel admitted. "Again, sorry about the attack Commander but we thought you were those AIM jokers trying something again."

"Who's AIM?" Vapor asked.

"Advanced Idea Mechanics," Destro explained. "They're terrorists with a more scientific approach. Sometimes used by other organizations such as Hydra."

"I think they had a falling out recently," The Baroness realized.

"AIM's record of working with people is pretty much…" Xamot began.

Tomax finished. "On the same par with ours. Only more disastrous."

"That's no small achievement," Destro admitted.

"They live on the island about fifteen miles from us to the south," Wild Weasel told them. "They sent some goons to try and scavenge from us a few times. We've chased them off."

"Oh goody," Torch said cheerfully. "We have neighbors!"

"More like competition," Cobra Commander groaned. "Ugh, gather whoever's still here on this island. We're going to fix up this dump and bring it back to the glory of the old days!"

"RRAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

"Starting with a very large electric fence," Cobra Commander remarked.

"Yeah, we've been meaning to do that," Wild Weasel nodded.

Meanwhile on the island across the sea not far from Cobra Island…A shadowy figure is planning in the dark.

"Soon…Soon the world will tremble. Far too long the world has refused to acknowledge my greatness but my time is here! This is the beginning of the age of MODOK!"

There was a click but nothing happened. There was still nothing but darkness. "The age of…The age of…OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!" MODOK shouted. "WHO FORGOT TO CHANGE THE LIGHTS?"

"That was Stu's job sir," A voice in the dark called out to him.

"Well where the hell is he?" MODOK snapped. "Bring him here so I can kill him. No, wait first he has to change the lights, then I'll kill him."

"He's already dead, sir," The voice told him.

"What? Did I kill him already?" MODOK asked.

"No, he got eaten by a giant lizard on the island next door," The voice told him.

"Oh right," MODOK realized. "Well get somebody to change the lights, will you? Hang on…"

MODOK turned on a flashlight to show his gigantic face. "THE AGE OF MODOK! No, it's ruined. Ugh…Never mind. You people ruined it."