When Cobra Was King Part II
"For the last time Cobra Commander," Destro sighed as he stood outside the bathroom in Cobra Commander's spacious living quarters. "You cannot wage war on birds!"
"WHY THE HELL NOT?" Cobra Commander stormed out. He was wearing his cloth cowl, gloves, a big fluffy white and blue robe and fluffy slippers. "And to be fair I'm not waging war on all birds! Just pigeons!"
"Commander…"
"And seagulls too!" Cobra Commander added. "Everybody knows that seagulls are basically nautical pigeons! They're the Shipwrecks of the bird world! If you can imagine that Joe as a bird, that's a seagull!"
"An apt metaphor Commander," Destro began.
Cobra Commander imitated Shipwreck's voice. "Ahoy swabbies! Let's fly on over to land and eat some trash and then poop all over some unsuspecting sap! That's what they sound like!"
"An apt imitation Commander," Destro tried again. "Now if…"
"Now is the time I should blow some of those overfed feather dusters to pieces!" Cobra Commander shouted. "That's not a bad idea! Where the hell is the weapons systems in this office?"
"Commander…" Destro sighed putting his hand on his face.
"Computer! Weapons systems!" Cobra Commander stormed around his desk. "Hello? Activate missiles! Computer! Why the hell isn't this damn thing voice activated or something?!" He slammed his fist on the desktop.
A computer popped up from the desk. "Oh, there it is," Cobra Commander remarked. "Okay where's the targeting range on this thing? Ah there it is!"
"Commander…"
"Okay where's the largest flock of feather dusters I can find?" Cobra Commander played with the machine. "Computer! Target a large flock of birds! Ah ha! Good! Good!"
"This is bad, bad…"
"And fire!" Cobra Commander cackled as he worked the controls of the computer.
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"What did you do?" Destro shouted as the building shook. "Fire a nuclear missile at them?"
"Don't be so dramatic Destro," Cobra Commander waved. "Just a regular sized rocket!"
"Regular sized?" Destro snapped. "It felt like we were launching the USS Enterprise!"
"Hang on!" Cobra Commander looked at the monitor. "HA!"
"Did you get the flock of birds?"
"Well, I got some birds," Cobra Commander remarked.
"And possibly a city," Destro remarked. "Do you feel better now?"
"Ehhh…" Cobra Commander shrugged. Then he went to a nearby drink bar and poured himself a drink. He held up his cowl enough to take a drink. "Now I do!"
"Now that you've gotten pointless destruction out of your system," Destro sighed. "Can we get back to business? Such as it is."
"Oh, I'm going to get down to business all right," Cobra Commander said. "I'm going to enjoy every minute of my new rule starting with a huge rager! And then another rager. Brunch. Then a minor celebration. A medium sized party. Then a huge party. Followed by another rager!"
"Commander…" Destro began even though he knew it was pointless.
"What better way to learn more about this dimension than by partying?" Cobra Commander asked.
"A sentence no one has ever said, ever," Destro quipped. "With good reason."
"Cue the non-stop Cobra Victory Tour!" Cobra Commander whooped as he went to get changed.
Destro sighed. "And cue the montage of disasters…"
FLASHFORWARD!
Cobra Commander and the other Cobras stepped out of limos, enjoying the night on the town. They went into a nightclub.
FLASHFORWARD!
Cobra Commander dancing on a dance floor with some beautiful women. As well as Mindbender. Yes. I know. Hard to believe.
FLASHFORWARD!
The Cobras were now in a firefight with the Kardashians who were attacking the nightclub.
FLASHFORWARD!
The Cobras were relaxing on a luxury yacht. Cobra Commander was sitting on a lounge chair. Suddenly a seagull pooped on him. Cobra Commander then starts shooting at the seagull with his blaster, chasing the thing around the deck.
FLASHFORWARD!
Cobra Commander and the other Cobras were at another nightclub partying.
FLASHFORWARD!
The Cobras were now at a fancy party at a penthouse. Enjoying the party and talking with many rich guests.
FLASHFORWARD!
Mindbender was now in a fight at that party with a few other mad scientists.
FLASHFORWARD!
Mindbender was piloting a giant robot as he was in a giant robot fight with some other mad scientists, trashing a city. Buildings were on fire, people were running for their lives.
FLASHFORWARD!
Cobra Commander was at another nightclub on the dance floor doing moves that would put John Travolta to shame.
FLASHFORWARD!
Cobra Commander was smashing mailboxes with a baseball bat as Zartan drove him in a fancy car. Both were laughing and having the time of their lives.
FLASHFORWARD!
Cobra Commander was chatting amicably with a talk show host on a TV show.
FLASHFORWARD!
Cobra Commander and the talk show host were taking turns driving a car and smashing mailboxes with a baseball bat.
FLASHFORWARD!
Cobra Commander was enjoying a baseball game in a private open air box seat. Suddenly dozens of seagulls attacked him. Destro groans and shakes his head.
FLASHFORWARD!
Cobra Commander and the Cobras partying at yet another nightclub. Destro was talking to Scarlett. The Baroness was talking to Duke on the other side of the room. Zartan was talking to Lady Jaye. Cobra Commander, Mindbender and Major Bludd were drinking.
FLASHFORWARD!
Cobra Commander and the Cobras were having brunch. Mindbender was really enjoying himself at the buffet.
FLASHFORWARD!
Cobra Commander was relaxing on the balcony of his palace. Suddenly he was pooped on by another bird.
FLASHFORWARD!
Cobra Commander was firing rockets from a rocket launcher into the air, trying to blow up more birds. Of course, he ended up blowing up several buildings in the distance.
FLASHFORWARD!
Cobra Commander and the other Cobras were partying on a yacht. Which was revealed to be towed by a giant truck.
FLASHFORWARD!
Cobra Commander was playing poker with Shipwreck. They were drinking and having a good time.
FLASHFORWARD!
Cobra Commander and Destro were on a golf course. Cobra Commander threw a tantrum and started throwing clubs everywhere when his ball went into the water hazard.
FLASHFORWARD!
Cobra Commander and the Cobras were partying at another club. Drinking and having a good time.
FLASHFORWARD!
Cobra Commander was posing in front of Mt. Rushmore, which now had his face on it. Zartan was taking a picture.
FLASHFORWARD!
Cobra Commander on the dance floor again happily partying.
FLASHFORWARD!
Cobra Commander was now lying on a hotel couch in a large suite that was completely totally trashed. "Uhhhgggghhh…." He stat up. "I don't know what they put in those margaritas but it definitely wasn't just tequila!"
He looked around. "Where the hell am I now?"
Destro came out of one of the bedrooms, wearing a bathrobe, his helmet and some fuzzy slippers. "Morning Commander…No wait…" He looked outside. "It's night. Damn what did they put in those margaritas?"
"I know right?" Cobra Commander groaned. "Where the hell are we?"
"The Beverly Hills Hilton Presidential Suite," Destro remarked. "We just ended up at this party or something. It's all kind of fuzzy. Honestly it doesn't really matter."
"Okay…" Cobra Commander paused. "We're still in another dimension, right?"
"Yes," Destro nodded. "Where Cobra is in charge. And GI Joe is our ally."
"Oh," Cobra Commander paused. "Well, that explains…"
Just then Duke and The Baroness walked out of another room. Also wearing only bathrobes and fuzzy slippers. "WHAT THE HELL?" Destro yelled.
Cobra Commander interrupted. "Actually, I was going to say that explains why I was playing poker with Shipwreck and having drinks with him the other night. But yeah, this too."
"Destro!" The Baroness gulped.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" Destro shouted as he pointed to Duke.
"Well, uh…" Duke coughed.
"Yeah, where did you get the bathrobes and slippers?" Cobra Commander asked.
The Baroness sighed. "Apparently this Duke and this dimension's Baroness had a fling but she was more interested in her career ruling an entire nation. We were talking and…"
"And what?" Destro snapped. "You decided this was a mulligan or something?"
"Seriously," Cobra Commander asked. "Where did you get the bathrobes and slippers?"
"We ordered them at the front desk," Duke told him.
"I can't believe you would do this to me!" Destro shouted.
"To you?" The Baroness shouted. "Since when are we a couple?"
"We're not?" Destro shouted. "Hang on. Maybe we're not? I can't remember. Even so…"
"So how comfortable are those things?" Cobra Commander indicated the robes and slippers.
"Really nice," Duke said. "You should get some."
"I know what the Baroness was getting!" Destro shouted.
"Oh, put a sock in it you self-righteous…" The Baroness began.
Another door opened up. Mindbender came out in a fluffy robe and slippers with two anthropomorphic bird women wearing hooker clothing. "I had a great time girls!" Mindbender grinned. "Who wants margaritas?"
They all watched as he left the room with them. "Well, that explains the squawking sounds I heard last night," Duke blinked.
"I wish I could say I was shocked…" Destro remarked. "But…No."
"I am!" Cobra Commander shouted. "Did everybody get robes and slippers but me?"
Destro shook his head. "Let's get back to the real issue…"
"How many rooms are there in this suite?" Cobra Commander interrupted. "And why was I sleeping on the couch?"
Destro pressed on. "My point is, I can't believe you would betray me by sleeping with a Joe!"
That's when another door opened up and Scarlett walked out wearing fuzzy slippers and a bathrobe. "Destro did you find out what that squawking noise was last night?" She asked. The she did a double take. "DUKE?"
"SCARLETT?" Duke shouted.
"YOU WERE WITH HER/HIM?" They pointed at The Baroness and Destro respectively.
"You were saying?" The Baroness glared at Destro.
"Awkward…" Destro winced. "Okay maybe we're definitely broken up?"
"IF WE WEREN'T WE ARE NOW!" The Baroness shouted.
"Okay," Cobra Commander remarked. "So, I'm the ruler of the world but I don't get my own suite? SERIOUSLY?"
"Oh brunch is going to be so awkward…" Duke groaned.
The next day…
Cobra Commander was back in his office wearing the robe and slippers. "These really are comfortable! I'm glad I took them!"
Major Bludd and Destro were in the office as well. "All right Cobra Commander," Major Bludd sighed. "Now that you've had your fun partying for a full straight week there are some things we need to address."
"I can't believe the Baroness would sleep with Duke like that!" Destro grumbled.
"That is not one of them," Major Bludd told him.
"I agree," Cobra Commander said. "It's time to focus on things that really matter. Major Bludd. First item!"
"The first item on the docket is the debt ceiling," Major Bludd explained. "To put it simply we've broken through it. Several times. And now there is no more ceiling and we're dangerously close to defaulting."
"I see," Cobra Commander nodded.
"We need to come up with a sensible economic strategy as well as cut several programs and agree on a balanced budget," Major Bludd told him. "Limit spending. Come up with new work requirements for beneficiaries of government programs. After several hours and days of careful planning and study of dozens of different cost projections and yields of interest rates as well as studying the federal reserve regulations I think we might be able to do it within a month."
Cobra Commander then spoke. "You know what your problem was Destro? You and The Baroness never really communicated."
"And we're doing this instead," Major Bludd sighed.
"What do you mean we never communicated?" Destro asked. "And what would you know about communication in a relationship?"
"I know because Pythona and I communicated," Cobra Commander told him. "Right before we got married, she told me exactly what she wanted from our relationship. And kept on telling me exactly what she wanted. Every. Day. I think in our case our relationship suffered from too much communication."
"There's also a few other problems we could tackle," Major Bludd suggested. "We could work on immigration. Low-income housing. The infrastructure bill…"
"I mean be honest Destro," Cobra Commander interrupted. "Did you and the Baroness ever sit down for a few minutes and tell each other what you wanted in the future? Did you ever have the where is this relationship going talk?"
"Well, she tried," Destro remarked. "Fortunately, most of the time we ended up getting attacked by GI Joe so that interrupted things…"
"Do you really want to be with The Baroness?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Do you really want to do any work today?" Major Bludd asked. "And even as I asked the question…"
"I mean you have to make a decision once and for all," Cobra Commander told him. "Either put a ring on it, or walk away! No more of this will they or won't they crap! In your case I think it's more like they did and God no, never again!"
"I'm not even sure what I want right now," Destro admitted.
"Does anyone want to know what I want right now?" Major Bludd asked.
"Well, if you don't know you can't be mad at the Baroness for trying to figure out what she wants can you?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Destro I say this not just as your commanding officer…But as the closest thing you have to a friend…You've been stringing The Baroness along like Ahab did to Moby Dick. And you're going to end up like Ahab if you don't snap out of it. Time to let her go and move on before she drowns the both of you!"
Destro blinked. "You're right."
"Of course, I am," Cobra Commander groaned. "Why is that always such a shock to people?"
"I don't even know why I want The Baroness after everything that's gone on between us!" Destro added. "I'm better off without her, right?"
"Honestly Destro," Cobra Commander shrugged. "I thought you would have figured that out a long time ago."
"So why should I care if she has a fling with Duke?" Destro asked.
"A question for the ages," Cobra Commander said sarcastically.
"You know what?" Destro remarked. "It's time I got over The Baroness once and for all!"
"And the best way to get over a woman is to get under another one," Cobra Commander quipped. "Or on top. Or behind her. Or…"
"I think we all get the picture, Cobra Commander," Major Bludd sighed. "Okay so now that Destro's love life has all been sorted, can we please get back to the budget?"
"I say we celebrate!" Cobra Commander told Destro. "We get the guys together for a night on the town!"
"But not Mindbender," Destro spoke up.
"Agreed," Cobra Commander nodded as he got up. "I'll get Zartan and Zandar and we'll make a guys night of it! We'll have a hot night on the town!"
"So, there's not going to be any work done in government today?" Major Bludd asked. "Even less than usual?"
"Oh, all right," Cobra Commander shrugged. "You can come too Major Bludd."
"Why not?" Major Bludd shrugged. "I'm not doing the damn budget alone that's for sure!"
"Back to the partying!" Cobra Commander shouted.
"And back to random disasters," Destro groaned. "And bad decisions!"
FLASHFORWARD!
The Cobra guys were at a bar. Drinking and having fun. Destro noticed some lovely women winking at him from across the bar. He raised his glass in anticipation of the night ahead.
FLASHFORWARD!
ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!
The lovely women were shooting lasers at the Cobras in the bar. And the Cobras were firing back.
"How the hell was I supposed to know they were assassins?" Destro shouted at the others.
"I've said it before and I'll say it again," Cobra Commander snapped. "Destro, you have the worst taste in women!"
"He's not wrong," Zartan nodded.
FLASHFORWARD TO FIVE MINUTES LATER!
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOM!
The Cobras stood in front of the bar which was now engulfed in flames. "Okay when I said we'd have a hot night on the town," Cobra Commander remarked. "I didn't exactly have this in mind!"
"Honestly with us," Zartan sighed. "This was a fifty-fifty shot."
"Good thing we were better shots than those assassins," Major Bludd remarked.
"Okay let's try another bar," Cobra Commander sighed.
FLASHFORWARD!
A large bar was on fire. The Cobras stood in shock.
"Okay how can the bar be on fire if we never even entered it in the first place?" Cobra Commander shouted.
"It appears someone else set this bar on fire before we arrived," Destro remarked.
"Who would set a bar on fire besides us?" Zartan asked.
"YOU BITCH!"
"YOU'RE A BITCH!"
"What in the world?" Cobra Commander did a double take. "Who are those women?"
"And why are they carrying flamethrowers and chainsaws?" Zartan blinked.
"Oh," Major Bludd recognized them. "Those are the Real Housewives of New York and the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Their reality shows really took off after they got into a blood feud. And started carrying weapons."
BOOOOOOOOOM!
"Okay who thought it was a good idea to give Ramona a rocket launcher?" Major Bludd blinked.
"And we're out!" Cobra Commander did an about face.
"Yeah, it's like a reunion with the Dreadnoks' mothers!" Zartan groaned as they left.
"I don't know," Mindbender remarked. "I always found Luann quite attractive."
"We're out of here!" Cobra Commander snapped. "New plan!"
FLASHFORWARD!
"WHEEEEEEE!" Cobra Commander cheered with glee as the Cobras rode a roller coaster.
"This was a bad idea to do this after drinking," Destro looked a little green.
FLASHFORWARD OVER THE NEXT FEW WEEKS!
Cobra Commander was at yet another bar and partying.
FLASHFORWARD!
"You know something," Cobra Commander said to the Cobras as they were eating brunch. "I really like brunch. I mean I really like brunch."
"Commander," Destro remarked. "You haven't eaten a thing. All you've done is drink mimosas."
"What's your point?" Cobra Commander asked.
FLASHFORWARD!
Zartan, Zandar and Zarana were at a theme park wearing goofy hats and taking pictures.
FLASHFORWARD!
The Baroness was shopping at an exclusive boutique. She had bought a lot with her credit card.
FLASHFORWARD!
Mindbender was chasing a mutated bloody monster through the hallways carrying a chainsaw.
FLASHFORWARD!
Destro was relaxing at a beach bar wearing his helmet and a red bathing suit. Relaxing and taking a drink while charging things on a credit card.
FLASHFORWARD!
Cobra Commander was getting into a fight with Charlie Sheen at another bar. Zartan and Mindbender were trying to hold him back.
FLASHFORWARD!
Mindbender was dancing at a rave. With an orange monster with tentacles.
FLASHFORWARD!
Zarana was shopping at the same fancy store. Zandar was carrying all her purchases and he didn't look happy.
FLASHFORWARD!
Zartan and Mindbender were back at the theme park riding a roller coaster and having fun.
FLASHFORWARD!
Cobra Commander was cackling as he was using lasers to carve his face on the moon. However, something went terribly wrong and a piece of the moon broke off. Cobra Commander left the lasers whistling innocently.
FLASHFORWARD!
Destro was relaxing on a yacht having drinks with several women in bikinis dancing around.
FLASHFORWARD!
The Baroness was relaxing on a different yacht having drinks with several men in speedos dancing around.
FLASHFORWARD!
Mindbender was relaxing on yet another yacht having drinks. And around him were several dancing mutants and monkeys.
FLASHFORWARD!
Cobra Commander was having a meeting with Destro, Zartan and Major Bludd. Behind him was a board saying OPERATION BYE BYE BIRDIE and pictures of birds with a red line through them.
There was a squawking noise and they saw Mindbender running in the hallway after the same large orange mutant with tentacles. Mindbender was carrying a chainsaw. The Cobras shrugged and went back to their meeting.
FLASHFORWARD!
Cobra Commander was dancing at yet another rave having the time of his life. "THIS IS GREAT!" He whooped. "THE GOOD TIMES ARE GOING TO LAST FOREVER!"
FLASHFORWARD!
Three weeks after the gang arrived…
The Cobras were in a war room. Several images on monitors were shown. Fires. Floods. People rioting in the streets. Several birds were attacking people. "Commander I believe the good times are over," Destro groaned.
"This took a turn," Cobra Commander admitted as he saw what was on the screens. "Who would think not doing paperwork for a few weeks would screw everything up?"
"Commander the thing about ruling the world," Destro explained. "Is once you have power, you actually have to rule the world!"
"Yeah, you need to get back on track and fix some of the problems of this world," Major Bludd told him.
"What problems?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Really?" Zarana pointed to the screen. "The riots, the fires and all that going on the screens weren't your first clue?"
"Besides that, obviously!" Cobra Commander told her. "What is everybody whining about in the first place?"
"Well for starters you know the polar ice caps?" Major Bludd asked.
"Yes," Cobra Commander nodded.
"They're not there anymore," Major Bludd explained. "Most of the coast line in the world is underwater! New York City is flooded! Boston is flooded! London is flooded. Paris is flooded. Half of California is gone!"
"That last one sounds more like a solution than a problem," Cobra Commander quipped. "Have Mindbender and a bunch of scientist eggheads figure it out!"
"Can you figure out our debt problem?" Major Bludd asked. "We're billions of dollars in debt."
"Can't we just print some more money and lie about the figures?" Cobra Commander asked.
"We can't," Major Bludd remarked. "That's what your predecessor did. And now we were worse off than we were before."
"Okay so we'll steal some gold from somewhere!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Where?" Major Bludd asked. "We already stole half of it and the remaining countries and California stole the rest!"
"Then get a mining survey or something!" Cobra Commander told him. "Just find some valuables!"
"We also have a problem with infrastructure," Destro told him. "All the roads and bridges are in disrepair or just outright broken."
"So?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Fix them!"
"With what?" Major Bludd asked. "None of the construction crews will work for free and there's a major tar shortage!"
"Then conscript a whole bunch of prisoners and have them work on it!" Cobra Commander snapped. "And get the science people to work on a tar substitute!"
"What prisoners?" Major Bludd asked. "Most of them have already been executed! And what was left was on Ryker's Island. Which was flooded!"
"Then conscript a whole bunch of civilians or immigrants!" Cobra Commander shouted. "Do I have to think of everything?"
"Apparently," Destro sighed. "Can you think of a solution to the polar bear problem?"
"Oh what?" Cobra Commander groaned. "Let me guess, polar bears are close to extinction because of the melted polar ice?"
"No, they seem to be thriving now," Destro sighed. "Apparently your predecessors dumped a lot of mutating chemicals near their habitat and they evolved. Very quicky. They are now multiplying at alarming rates and roaming major cities eating people!"
"We also have mutated dinosaurs, lions, tigers, sharks…" Major Bludd added. "And cats."
"Cats?" The Baroness asked.
"Yeah, once they evolved to have thumbs they realized they didn't need us anymore," Major Bludd explained. "They're not eating people. But they're starting to get a little pushy."
"Look a lot of this sounds like the other Cobra Commander's fault!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Not on me!"
"Switzerland is on fire," Major Bludd added. "As well as half of Europe. Remember when you shot off all those large fireworks and rockets? In order to take out birds?"
"They took out other things, didn't they?" Cobra Commander realized.
Destro nodded. "They landed on Switzerland and started fires! We are now at war with the Swiss!"
"That one is on you," The Baroness pointed out.
"Oh, the Swiss," Cobra Commander mocked. "What are they going to do? Boycott selling us chocolates? Swiss army knives?"
"For starters their banks aren't doing any business with us," Destro explained. "And are now holding what little money we have hostage."
"That could be a problem," Cobra Commander blinked.
"This is also a problem," Major Bludd explained. "Their elite terrorist units are now targeting us!"
"The Swiss have elite terrorist units?" Cobra Commander blinked. "I thought those guys were neutral?"
"In wars with other countries," Destro told him. "But if individual groups or people target them…Yeah. They're fair game."
The Baroness added. "In addition to the Swiss holding our money hostage, they've also seized twelve oil rigs, three cargo ships holding goods exporting from our country, managed to get us censured by this world's equivalency of the UN, get us banned from Facebook, Twitter and seven other online accounts. And are withholding all Swiss chocolate. All within twenty-four hours. Oh, and we're all blacklisted from the next Eurovision talent show."
Cobra Commander blinked. "The Swiss are a surprisingly efficient people, aren't they?"
"It's hard to get the Swiss angry enough for war," Destro remarked. "But when they do, watch out!"
"That reminds me," Cobra Commander asked. "How's Operation Bye Bye Birdie coming along?"
"Not so great," Major Bludd admitted. "Apparently the only thing we've done successfully is get the birds mad enough to organize. They're dive bombing people every chance they get. It's like a bad remake of an Alfred Hitchcock movie out there."
"Except for the people who set out birdfeeders," Mindbender explained. "They've been spared. Which tracks if you think about it."
"And remember when you insisted on having that parade?" Major Bludd told him. "Parades cost money. Lots of it. Which also led to our financial situation."
"That one is also on you," Destro added. "As well as when you decided to put your face on the moon and blew up a quarter of it! That has also contributed to rising sea levels!"
"And the disappearance of thirty island nations," Major Bludd added.
"Look I am not the only one who screwed things up here!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I admit to the moon thing. That was my bad and maybe ten percent of this mess but the rest is either on the previous administration or on you lot! You're supposed to be managing everything for me! I'm just the head of government! I'm not supposed to do any work!"
"Actually, you are…" Destro sighed. "It's your incompetence and nonstop partying…"
"My incompetence? How about when we lost half of GI Joe thanks to you and the Baroness' warring libidos?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"You're exaggerating," The Baroness snapped. "Only a few Joes left and they were probably going to quit anyway. Or retire."
"Yeah, Bazooka really let himself go over the years," Zartan admitted.
"I was talking about the leadership of GI Joe!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Oh come on!" Mindbender protested. "General Hawk was at retirement age and it made sense for him to go into business with Roadblock as a chef. His restaurant is doing amazingly well."
"Not him!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I was referring to Duke, Scarlett, Snake Eyes…"
"Snake Eyes?" Zartan asked. "Oh wait is that stupid love quasi triangle going on in this dimension too?"
"Apparently," Cobra Commander added. "Flint, Lady Jaye…"
"Hang on," Destro spoke up. "I didn't sleep with Lady Jaye. I mean different dimension or not she's still technically my cousin!"
"Uh that was on me," Zartan winced. "Funny story…You know how it is. Co-workers get some drinks after a long day. Both end up commiserating about their love life. After a few more drinks they check into a hotel together…Then ex-boyfriend tracks down ex-girlfriend and there's a tiny little firefight at the Hotel Grand."
"That explains this bill I got from them," Cobra Commander remarked. "And why Flint is in the hospital!"
"I didn't lay a finger on him!" Zartan protested. "Lady Jaye did that!"
"And let's not forget Mindbender's little hissy fit with those other scientists," Cobra Commander snapped. "They got into a giant robot fight and destroyed an entire city!"
"First of all," Mindbender pointed out. "Those jerks were asking for it! And secondly it was Detroit. Let's be honest, that city needed some new urban development anyway!"
"And what are these bills?" Cobra Commander looked at them. "Half of them look like credit card bills from several stores. One's for a day at some theme park. Yachts? How come we have bills for several yacht rentals?"
"Oh, we used them," Destro said smoothly. "Don't you remember Commander we had a few parties on those. Your idea."
"I don't remember that," Cobra Commander told him.
"Do you remember what happened yesterday?" Destro asked.
Cobra Commander paused. "No…"
"There you go," Destro told him.
"You know I'm starting to think this whole ruling the world thing is a lot of work," Cobra Commander mused. "What about our generals? Why can't some of them show some initiative?"
"Some of them were caught trying to plan a coup to depose you," Major Bludd told him.
"Not that much initiative!" Cobra Commander snapped.
Just then the building shook violently. "What the devil is going on now?" Destro bellowed. "It feels like someone is bombing us!"
"Someone is bombing us!" Major Bludd ran to look at the instruments. "We're being attacked! And by the look of the insignia it's the terrorist group Destiny!"
"WHO?" Cobra Commander shouted.
"Okay in your reality did you ever hear of two groups called Jem and the Holograms and The Misfits?" Major Bludd asked.
Cobra Commander admitted. "Those names do ring a bell."
"Their popularity vastly plummeted after the 80's," Major Bludd explained. "And Pizazz's weight soared to new heights. She lost most of it after a year but by then the damage was done. After a few instances and disastrous PR attempts…And one very public breakup by Jem and two of her boyfriends…The two groups joined forces together to form an ultra-left wing feminist terrorist group. AKA Destiny."
"You're kidding?" The Baroness asked.
"To be fair their targets are usually members of the record industry and the press," Major Bludd explained. "But since the children's home they sponsor was wrecked due to the flooding in California…"
The building shook again. "I see where this is going," Destro groaned.
"This is what it's like on the other side of terrorism?" Zartan blinked. "I don't care for it."
"Neither do I!" Cobra Commander pounded his fist on his desk. "This is our thing!"
"Not in this world remember?" Destro told him.
"Oh right," Cobra Commander realized. "We're the establishment."
Mindbender told him. "I have to keep reminding myself of that too."
"Hang on," Zarana remarked. "They're terrorists but they run a kid's home?"
"Technically according to California law they're a corporation," Major Bludd explained. "And the children's home was before they merged and according to the laws in California all corporations have to sponsor at least one non-profit so…"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"And in California Fame-On-Fame crime is not only legal stopping short of murder," Major Bludd asked. "It's encouraged by the tabloids. Of course every year there's a paparazzi purge where one day a year celebrities get to hunt down and kill paparazzi so…"
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"Well, this is just annoying!" Cobra Commander snapped as the building shook.
"Wow no wonder people hate us so much," Mindbender remarked.
"Where the hell is our army?" Cobra Commander shouted. "Hello? Shouldn't we be counterattacking?"
"Uh a lot of them are kind of fanboys so…" Major Bludd winced. "Oh wait the attack has stopped! Oh they're leaving. It was just a hit and run for publicity so…"
"THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!" Cobra Commander slammed his fist on his desk. "AN OUTRAGE! WE'RE BEING ATTACKED BY A BUNCH OF HAS BEENS AND THEY'RE GETTING AWAY WITH IT?"
"Hey I wouldn't call Jem and the Holograms or the Misfits has beens!" Mindbender protested. "What? A lot of their songs are really catchy! I listen to the Misfit version of Welcome To The Jungle a lot in my lab."
"Jem lost! Barbie won! Deal with it!" Cobra Commander hissed. "Fine! Fine! It's time we start fixing things around here!"
"How do we do that?" Zarana asked.
"The way all countries fix things," Cobra Commander remarked. "Hold a meeting of world leaders to say we're working on the problem! Then hire a bunch of other people to actually work on the problem!"
Mindbender nodded. "It is a time-tested solution."
"Just invite all the leaders over here for tomorrow," Cobra Commander ordered. "Big photo ops! Say Cobra Cares and all that crap! Yada, yada, yada…"
"Uh all the world's leaders Commander?" Destro asked.
"It will be fine," Cobra Commander waved. "Just don't let Gary Busey near any nuclear weapons."
The following day…
Alarms sounded throughout the entire complex. The Cobras were running for their lives. "HEAD FOR THE SHIP!" Destro screamed. "IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE OURSELVES!"
"I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN SOONER OR LATER!" The Baroness shouted. She was carrying several valuables in her arms. "I KNEW IT!"
"OKAY WHO LET GARY BUSEY NEAR THE NUCLEAR WEAPONS?" Cobra Commander shouted. "I SPECIFICALLY SAID TO NOT DO THAT!"
"RUUUUUUUUUN!" Zartan screamed. He was also carrying valuables.
Ten minutes later the spaceship was hovering the alternate Earth. Which now had several green mushroom clouds spewing from it. "That did not go well," Zandar remarked.
"Oh, we screwed this dimension up right we did," Zarana winced.
"Okay everyone saw that this particular screw up was not my fault, right?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Not end part obviously," Destro admitted. "I mean the beginning and the middle of the decline you did have a hand in…"
"Yeah, but it wasn't anything I couldn't fix until that!" Cobra Commander pointed.
"That part was clearly Busey's fault," Major Bludd agreed.
Everyone did a double take. "What are you doing here?" Zartan shouted. "Why didn't you stay in your own dimension?"
"Oh, like I was going to stay on that train wreck!" Major Bludd snapped.
"Let him stay," Cobra Commander waved. "Our Major Bludd is dead anyway. I think. Anyway, the position is vacant and we can always use another man. Or woman. Or anyone with any competency at all!"
"Ugh I can't believe this," Destro grumbled.
"Me either!" Cobra Commander grumbled. "We should have grabbed some alcohol from that dimension! I should have grabbed some alcohol from that trip!"
Destro sighed. "I admit it. I could use a stiff drink right about now."
"It's official," Zartan sighed. "We've all become alcoholics."
"It's a disease and Cobra Commander is Patient Zero," The Baroness added.
"Okay look," Cobra Commander let out a breath. "I admit things went south in this dimension but there is one other dimension out there where Cobra is still mostly in charge. Think of this as a mulligan. Now we know…"
"And knowing is a damn good reason to quit while we're ahead," Destro interrupted.
DIMENSION…WHO THE HELL KNOWS AT THIS POINT?
"Okay let me do the talking this time," Cobra Commander warned the other Cobras as they approached their base on the alternate dimension.
"Uh Commander," Destro remarked. "Have you noticed something odd about this dimension?"
"Like what?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Well it's missing a few continents for starters," Destro remarked.
"I thought the oceans were bigger than normal," Cobra Commander admitted.
"Plus as I'm looking at the scenery…" Destro looked outside. "I can't help but notice a few other things."
"Like what?" Cobra Commander asked. He looked out the window. "Oh. That."
The ground was barren and dry and littered with destroyed cars. There were fires everywhere. People were running for their lives from what looked like zombie dinosaurs.
Cobra Commander admitted. "That is a bit disconcerting."
"Well at least we don't have to worry about us wrecking this dimension," Zarana remarked. "It's already wrecked!"
They landed in the hangar which was full of broken ships and vehicles. One of them was on fire. "This bodes well," Destro said sarcastically.
Meanwhile in a command room an alternate Mindbender and Bludd were arguing while several soldiers were standing around bored, wounded or in one or two cases extremely dead. "I'm telling you this isn't going to work!" Alternate Mindbender snapped.
"Of course, it will work," Alternate Bludd snapped.
"No, it won't," Alternate Mindbender snapped.
"Yes, it will!" Alternate Bludd told him. "Look let me explain it again. We have a coupon for thirty percent off three pizzas at Al's Pizza Palace. Plus, they have two for one on Wednesday so if we get the mushroom and the pepperoni and have two cheese…"
"You know half of our men are lactose intolerant!" Alternate Mindbender shouted.
"Hello minions!" Cobra Commander stormed in with his troops.
"Oh hello," Alternate Mindbender blinked.
"Other Mindbender," Cobra Commander said. "Major Bludd."
"Colonel Bludd actually," The alternate spoke up. He also was missing an arm as well as having a patch over one eye. "Let me guess, alternate dimension Cobras?"
"Yes," Cobra Commander told him. "Is that going to be a problem?"
"Not really no," Colonel Bludd shook his head.
"We have Rick and Morty in this dimension," A Cobra soldier spoke up. "We know the drill."
"Honestly we're just glad somebody is going to be in charge again," Colonel Bludd admitted.
"We had a few problems," Alternate Mindbender explained.
"And by a few problems you mean…?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Fires, riots, large plumes of smoke covering half the planet due to the fires," Alternate Mindbender explained. "We lost a few continents due to global warming and the ice caps melting."
"The zombie dinosaurs?" Cobra Commander asked acidly.
"That wasn't me," Alternate Mindbender said quickly. "That was some other scientist that did that. Yeah. That's the ticket. Some other scientist."
"Am I to assume that when your leader left things started spiraling downwards?" Destro sighed.
"Uh things have been a little hectic the past few days, yes," Colonel Bludd remarked. "It's kind of like a classic Ed Wood film out there."
"Man he was a great director of film," A Cobra soldier sighed. "We should have an Ed Wood tribute night! After the funerals of course."
"Hang on," Cobra Commander paused. "Ed Wood is considered an excellent director in this dimension? Something's not right here."
"Maybe this Ed Wood is a good director?" Zartan said hopefully. "Computer show a clip of one of Ed Wood's films!"
They watched a clip. "Nope…" Zartan blinked. "Still pretty bad."
"Okay is there anything else about this dimension we need to know?" Cobra Commander asked. "I can live with bad films. I don't watch that much TV or movies anyway. Mindbender do a comparison thing or something."
"How would I…?" Mindbender realized something. "Oh right I put an app for that on my device. Let's see…" He checked a small device in his hand. "Huh. In this dimension these things don't exist. Left turn signals…Nobody uses them anyway. Yield signs. Also useless…Chocolate…"
"Chocolate doesn't exist in this dimension?" The Baroness shouted. "This is problematic."
"Maybe it exists under another name?" Mindbender looked at the information on his scanner. "Oh no…No chocolate at all. The cacao bean is extinct. As well as the coffee bean."
"No coffee either?" Zarana gasped.
"Okay maybe we can just introduce those things to this dimension…?" Cobra Commander suggested.
"And alcohol is virtually non-existent because nobody makes it," Mindbender added.
"Who actually likes the taste of alcohol?" Colonel Bludd asked.
Cobra Commander waited exactly one beat. "Everyone back in the spaceship."
"We're going back to our original dimension now!" Destro shouted as they ran. "NOW! MOVE IT!"
"Wait! Hang on!" Colonel Bludd shouted. "Don't you want to rule the world? I mean isn't that your thing?"
"YES, I WANT TO RULE THE WORLD!" Cobra Commander snapped. "BUT NOT THIS WORLD!"
"YOU CAN HAVE IT!" The Baroness agreed.
"BACK TO OUR UNIVERSE!" Destro shouted.
"BACK TO MY WINE CELLAR!" Cobra Commander added.
SOON…BACK TO THE ORIGINAL DIMENSION…
"Okay new rule," Cobra Commander sighed as the ship piloted its way back to Cobra Island. "No more dimension hopping! I've had it with that!"
"I think everybody has had it with that," Zartan admitted.
"The good news is that we'd have only been gone three days from our dimension," Mindbender explained as he piloted the ship. "Not really sure how that works actually."
"Comforting words from our head scientist," Destro groaned.
"He's our only scientist," Zarana remarked as she sat buckled in at her seat. "Remember?"
"Oh God that's right," Destro groaned. "Commander we really need to address that!"
"Sure," Cobra Commander drawled. "We'll send the want ads to the nearest mad scientist loony bin!"
"That burned down years ago," Mindbender waved. "There was a riot."
"From the inmates who set the place on fire," The Baroness guessed.
Mindbender shook his head. "Nope. The staff."
"That does not surprise me," The Baroness groaned.
VVVRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
"What was that?" Cobra Commander asked. "Wait why are we accelerating?"
"Uhh…" Mindbender gulped. "Uh oh."
"WHY ARE YOU SAYING UH OH?" Zartan shouted. "THAT'S NEVER A GOOD THING!"
"I think the ship got slightly damaged somehow and I don't seem to be able to work the brakes," Mindbender admitted. "And we're stuck on fast speed and we're probably going to crash."
"PROBABLY?" Destro shouted. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY PROBABLY?"
"That means we are definitely going to crash," Mindbender gulped. "Don't really know why…"
"This from our science expert!" The Baroness shouted.
"Definitely need to use the want ads," Zandar groaned.
"I've made a huge mistake," Major Bludd groaned.
"AAAAAAAHHHH!" Cobra Commander screamed. "WE'RE GONNA…"
CRASH!
The spaceship was wedged in the wall of Cobra Island's fortress. "Ow…." Cobra Commander moaned. "That's going to hurt in the morning!"