This chapter was co-written by Coldfusion 180! See not all the madness is mine!

Cobra Persona: Zandar

"Ohhh, my head," Cobra Commander groaned holding a cast-covered hand to his helmet. "I need some sweet, mind-numbing painkillers and I need them now!"

"There are no more painkillers," Mindbender moaned across from him lying in a bed. Several members of Cobra's High Command were laid up in the medical wing of Cobra Island's base. "You took the last of them hours ago."

"Then get me some alcohol!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Gin, scotch, vodka, rubbing, I don't care!"

"We're out of those too," Destro told him with his ribs and arms heavily bandaged. "I have to admit I could really go for a good stiff drink right now. We should have listened to you and swiped more alcohol from that other dimension when we had the chance."

"The one-time Cobra Commander had a sensible idea," The Baroness grumbled wearing an eyepatch, arm sling and neck brace.

"Calm down," Zarana walked in with Firefly. "We sent Wild Weasel on a drink run and I got some of the troops unpacking the emergency rations as we speak."

"What about the Dreadnoks?" Zartan moaned.

"Who knows? Who cares?" The Baroness moaned. "Honestly the fact that they're not here makes me feel better!"

"Plus we're getting one of Mindbender's healing contraptions ready so you lot will be on your feet in a day or so," Firefly told them.

"How come you two aren't bandaged up like the rest of us?" The Baroness snapped.

"Because Zandar and I put our seat belts on," Zarana looked at her. "Very important safety tip. Now you know."

"And knowing is a good way to prevent health insurance bills," Cobra Commander groaned. "Wait, you said Zandar and you…Why is Firefly unscathed?"

"I wasn't even invited on your cross dimensional trip," Firefly snapped. "Remember?"

"How long have you been here?" Zartan blinked. He was heavily bandaged.

"SINCE WE LANDED ON COBRA ISLAND OVER A MONTH AGO!" Firefly shouted.

"We've been at Cobra Island over a month?" Tomax moaned with his left arm and right leg in traction.

"Seems longer to me for some reason," Xamot groaned with his right arm and left leg suspended above the rest of his body.

"Why are you idiots in traction?" Destro asked. "You weren't on the spaceship!"

"No!" Xamot snapped. "We were..."

"Standing behind the wall where the spaceship crashed!" Tomax added.

"I helped fish them out," Firefly added. "Mostly because I didn't want any more blood on the floor."

"How come I haven't seen you around?" Cobra Commander blinked as he looked at Firefly.

"Because while you idiots have been zipping around to other dimensions partying, I've been running the base!" Firefly snapped. "Who do you think has been running the day-to-day operations since we got here?"

"Uhhh…" Cobra Commander blinked.

Firefly looked at the others. "Okay I get why Cobra Commander doesn't know. He's too plastered to know anything beyond a cocktail recipe. But the rest of you? Who do you think has been managing repairs on the base and our vehicles? Organizing and getting supplies? Managing and paying what's left of our quickly declining troops? Oiling and maintaining the BATS?"

"Uhhh…." Destro blinked.

"I wondered why the BATS were running so well," Mindbender blinked.

"We still have troops?" Cobra Commander asked. "Oh right…"

"Not to mention somehow I got roped into being the liaison between Cobra and AIM!" Firefly shouted. "Do you have any idea how many times I've had to cover for you when MODOK calls?"

"Right, we're in an alliance with that guy," Cobra Commander paused. "How's that going?"

"How the hell has this organization…?" Firefly shouted. "And I use that word ironically, stayed intact for so long?"

"Dumb luck mostly," Zartan admitted.

Destro paused. "Yeah, that sounds about right."

"Why am I still here?" Firefly groaned.

"I ask myself that question every day," Zarana admitted.

"Me too," Destro admitted.

"Just hurry up and get us healthy again!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"I wouldn't use that tone if I were you Commander," Zarana smirked as she pulled out a piece of paper. "I have a few suggestions…Well demands actually about how you can improve things around here. Specifically, for me."

"And me!" Firefly added.

"Starting with some raises," Zarana told him.

"Big ones!" Firefly added.

"You're blackmailing us?" Destro shouted.

"I prefer to call it contract negotiations," Zarana grinned. "Don't worry Zartan I'm covering you, Zandar and the Dreadnoks with raises."

"Oh well then fire away," Zartan grinned.

"We will not be blackmailed by some pink haired floozy and her sycophantic lackey!" The Baroness shouted.

"Lackey?" Firefly shouted. "I just told you not even five minutes ago I've been running this whole base! And you forgot it already?"

"I'd listen to our demands Commander," Zarana told him. "Or else I can make things a lot worse for you lot."

"Worse?" Cobra Commander yelped. "We're lying helpless in a makeshift Infirmary with third-rate medical equipment, unchanged bedpans and no alcohol! What can you possibly do to us to make this worse?"

"This," Zarana picked up a remote and pressed the button.

Just then every TV in the medical section flared to life. "Hello, there! Yes, it's time for another fun and rousing episode of Cobra Persona!" Vapor said cheerfully on screen.

"You had to say that, didn't you?" Destro glared.

Cobra Commander groaned. "Me and my big mouth!"

"You can say that again," The Baroness grumbled. "Or better yet, don't!"

"I warned you," Zarana grinned.

"It's us again! Vapor and Zero!" Zero grinned. "Your favorite TV show hosts!"

"I bet you're surprised to see us like this after what happened during out last show," Vapor managed to smile. "We're surprised too that Zarana agreed to let us put on another one after beating us both to within an inch of our lives."

"If only she had gone the extra distance," Mindbender moaned.

"We were both expecting to die, but Zarana said doing so would be letting too many people off the hook," Zero explained. "And that she wouldn't want to deprive our future presence to the rest of Cobra's High Command."

"Zarana you are one sick, twisted woman," Destro groaned.

"Hey, that's my sister you're talking about!" Zartan protested. "You can't say stuff like that about her even if it's true!"

"We've said a lot worse about you and Zarana didn't mind at all," The Baroness pointed out. "And that's nothing compared to all the stuff she's said about you over the years!"

"You have a point," Zarana shrugged.

"Anyway, we're just glad to be breathing without the aid of machines while we interview today's guest," Vapor went on. "It's not every show when we have a willing and eager volunteer."

"WHAT?!" Cobra Commander yelled. "What empty-headed, attention-starved maniac would willing appear on this limited-televised piece of garbage?"

"And here he is, folks!" Zero beamed. "The one and only…uh, what's his name again? I forget."

"It's me! Zandar!" The camera shifted to reveal Zandar's smiling image. "Yes, I'm finally going to receive the focus and awareness I deserve!"

"Ask a stupid question," Cobra Commander groaned.

"Oh no," Zartan moaned. "Looks like that whiny brother of mine is about to throw another pity party."

"That's different from the rest of your family members, how?" The Baroness gave him a look.

"I suppose you want me to start by telling you details about my childhood?" Zandar prompted.

"Hmmm?" A distracted Zero blinked. "Oh, yeah. Sure man. Whatever you say."

"I do say! And it was some childhood, let me tell you!" Zandar ranted. "I was the youngest child in our family which meant I always got the last pick of everything. Food, clothes, toys, weapons, you name it! Our parents practically never noticed me!"

"If only we could do the same," Destro sighed.

"They'd even forget my birthday!" Zandar went on bitterly. "Oh sure, Zarana would get a new 'acquired' toy or a freshly stolen meal, but what did I get? I'll tell you what I got! Nothing, ya hear me! Absolutely nothing!"

"Nothing?" Zarana snapped. "Are you kidding me? How about all the times our misogynist father gave him weapons and I just got a bloody doll?"

"And by a bloody doll," Zartan added. "She means an actual bloody doll. Covered in the blood of the kid who previously had it!"

"Once my family went away for the weekend and I was left home alone!" Zandar added. "They spent the entire weekend at my grandmother's and I was abandoned! They left a child alone and abandoned!"

"You were nineteen!" Zartan shouted. "And that so called vacation was a nightmare!"

"Trust me he dodged a bullet," Zarana groaned. "Several of them actually. Grandmother was a wild shot."

"They were supposed to come back by Sunday but they didn't return until Tuesday!" Zandar sighed.

"We were at the hospital!" Zartan snapped. "And some of us were in jail. Or the morgue."

"Uh huh," An uninterested Vapor said absently. "Whatever man."

"The same thing happened during the rare occasions I attended school," Zandar continued. "Nobody ever noticed me. I never got picked to play dodgeball or any other kind of game with the other kids."

"He never complained about that when he played his favorite game," Zarana rolled her eyes. "Locker Treasure Hunt."

"He once stole the principal's car and got away with it!" Zartan groaned. "Meanwhile I take one peanut butter sandwich and I get labeled for life!"

Zandar went on. "None of the teachers ever called on me and would forget I was ever there. Heck, I once played truant for an entire month and they didn't even realize I'd been gone!"

"Unlike the alcohol and painkillers which I could really use about now," Cobra Commander twitched. "You know Cobra is in dire financial straits when we can't even afford either of those vital items anymore."

"That's the price of decent healthcare these days," Mindbender managed a shrug. "Or any kind of healthcare really."

"Even when I tried to get noticed nobody remembered me!" Zandar rambled in frustration. "I'd shout that I was present and still get marked absent. Once I set a teacher's desk on fire and another kid got blamed!"

"To be fair," Zartan remarked. "That other kid should not have had all those lighters in his backpack."

Zandar fumed. "Some student rosters wouldn't even include my name!"

"That's because we never used our real ones!" Zarana shouted.

"A whole childhood in anonymity," Firefly sighed. "Some people have all the luck!"

Zandar went on. "I'd turn in reams of perfect homework and get them back ungraded. If the teachers even remembered to return it back at all. Not even starting food fights in the principal's office or setting the gym of fire got me any attention. Everybody just ignored me and continued going about their business like I didn't even exist!"

"That's nice," Zero commented inattentively while somehow managing to hold some cards in his suspended hand. "Got any threes?"

"Go fish," Vapor replied.

"Hold on. I have an idea," Cobra Commander abruptly sat up. "Cobra should get into the healthcare game. With all the overpricing and insurance scams going on these days a Cobra-backed health coverage company would make a fortune!"

"That's…actually not a bad idea," Destro blinked in thought. "We could offer lower cost health insurance, undercut all the other healthcare providers out there, drive them out of business and corner the entire market."

"My anonymity continued all throughout my formative years and well into adulthood," Zandar continued on screen. "I never got called in for any job interviews."

"And by job interviews," Zarana remarked to Zartan. "He means that week he tried to go to work at that adult bookstore when he was fifteen."

"I once applied for my dream job by auditioning to be an actor at a local theatre company," Zandar grumbled. "Never got a call back. So, I burned down the theater and decided to become a mercenary.

"I saw that audition," Zartan groaned. "He didn't get a call back because he sucked!"

"I became one of the greatest mercenaries ever," Zandar said proudly. "I'm an expert with all kinds of silent weapons. Harpoons, crossbows, Bowie knives, silenced handguns, blow darts, bows and arrows, slingshots, poison, garrotes, boomerangs, you name it!"

"Healthcare companies' profits really are obscene these days," Tomax noted ignoring the TV. "We're talking billions of dollars a year."

"Though that's for companies who actually manufacture drugs, medical supplies and provide physical healthcare services," Xamot pointed out. "Pure health insurers' profits only amount to a few hundred million dollars a year."

"That's still a few hundred million dollars Cobra doesn't have right now," Cobra Commander said. "But it will have soon!"

"One can only hope," The Baroness quipped.

"We're the only two that are paying attention to this aren't we?" Zartan pointed to the TV.

"Yup," Zarana sighed. "As usual. Apparently, everyone in the world can ignore our brother except us!"

"And Zartan isn't the only disguise expert in the family," Zandar went on. "I'm a master of camouflage and covert movement. I'm excellent at hiding and sneaking up on people even when I not trying."

"Hey, that was my last card!" Vapor pouted as he and Zero finished their game.

"Exactly," Zero grinned. "Ha, I win!"

"WHAT ARE YOU IDIOTS DOING?!" Zandar yelled stormed over to them. "YOU CALL YOURSELVES HOSTS?! STOP PLAYING CARDS AND PAY ATTENTION TO ME!"

"Huh?" Vapor blinked.

Zero glanced at him. "Oh, hey. Sorry, we forgot you were here. Um, what was your name again?"

"AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!" Zandar screamed and began beating the pair up.

"Here we go," Zarana grinned. "Just like our high school graduation when they lost his diploma."

"OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!" Vapor and Zero wailed as Zandar tore into them. "AAACCCKKK! NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!"

"Hey, what's going on?" Mindbender asked turning back towards the screen. "Well, that's certainly one way to get somebody's attention."

"YEOWOWWWWWWW!" Zero screamed.

"Yikes," Firefly winced. "Remind me to never tick off Zandar!"

"Hmmm, looks like my brother's innate anonymity is about to fail big time," Zartan smirked as Zandar continued to beat the remaining stuffing out of Vapor and Zero. "If he finally manages to kill those two annoying twits he's sure to be remembered for years to come!"

"I'd certainly be willing to raise a statue for that in his honor," Destro grinned. "Since the original purpose for such a monument would eventually be forgotten just like every other statue ever in existence."

"Cobra should create a hospital show to go along with its new healthcare company," The Baroness smiled watching the mayhem on screen. "Medical insurance and dramedies are bound to be profit winners for sure!"

"What could we name it?" Mindbender mused. "General Mayhem Hospital?"

"The Resident Lunatic?" The Baroness quipped.

"All My Surgical Procedures?" Destro added.

"Gray's Other Vital Organs?" Tomax suggested.

"Dr. Deranged?" Xamot added.

"St. Nowhere?" Cobra Commander quipped.

"Scenes From A Morgue?" Firefly added.

"Days of our Dialysis?" Zartan suggested.

"Trauma Ward, The Musical," Zarana added.

"YEOOWWW!" Zero was heard screaming.

"Whatever we call it, it's bound to be a hit," Cobra Commander mused. "Oooh! Good hit Zandar!"