Wild Black Hair
Looming above the forest is a great white bird of clay. Crouched atop the living art piece is a man with long golden blond hair, which he wore drawn into a half ponytail with the rest hanging down freely. His attire consisted of a black cloak with red clouds adorning it and he had an eye scope on the left side of his face, ideal for scanning the foliage below.
"Shh." He then shushed at... me? "Be vewy, vewy quiet. I'm hunting Uchiwas!"
Sorry.
Anyway, he leaps off of his transportation and creeps through the treetops, each step he took synchronized like the chords of an expert musician. Even so, one could easily feel the tension rising in the air. Deidara proceeds with his hunt, and lo and behold: he soon spotted Uchiha tracks.
"Oh boy, Uchiwa twacks!"
...Yeah, that's what I said.
A very mischievous yet nervous-sounding laugh later, the nukenin followed the trail of paper fans until he discovered a seemingly inconspicuous covered hole in the ground.
"A snake hole!" He pointed at it and laughed once more. Searching his pockets, he picks up a deep-fried egg and placed it by the entrance. Noticing the reader's confusion he explained: "Uchiwas wove eggs!". Leaving the bait for his target, he tiptoes to hide behind a tree nearby.
The cover is lifted. An arm reaches out of the snake hole, feeling around until one of its fingers brushes the egg's form. Dragging its digits around the tasty dish, the hand examines the warm, oval surface. Then it freezes suddenly, realizing what it was. The hand quickly snatches the egg and vanishes back into the hole, sealing it off again.
Deidara rushes in, the mouths in his palms already molding explosive chakra into his clay. Sasuke's hand appears out of the snake hole for a second time; vaguely aware of another object near his residence until he touched it. He feels the texture and shape of the terrorist's arm, finding out it was nothing shaped like an egg. Afterward, he flicks the extended hand with his finger three times: lips? Sasuke's hand recoils in repulsion and disappears into the black void. Coming back, the Uchiha's hand leaves a now mostly-finished egg for what it likely thought to be a hungry mouth... only to come back and try to take it again but Deidara's hand licks it to dissuade its intentions. Sasuke's hand starts 'finger-walking' along the hole's proximity as if minding its own business... before it seizes the dish and returns inside the hole in earnest.
Deidara makes a double-take upon seeing that he missed his target before shoving his hand in the hole, ready to blow the Uchiha to smithereens. "That does it! Let's see how you like these treats! GEIJUTSU WA BAKU-HEY!"
Just as he is about to reduce the hideout to bits, he gets a jerky feeling as Sasuke, from deep underground, tugs at his appendage, starting a tug-of-war with the nukenin. After succeeding at pulling out his arms, Deidara discovers his sleeve has been wrapped around it like a bow.
"Huh?!" Untying his cloak, the Akatsuki member frantically tried to pull the plug in an attempt to open the hole and get to the Uchiha. Unaware there was another entrance in the vicinity.
Over at the second hole, an emo with a hairdo bearing a glaring resemblance to a duck's rear pops his head out of the hole and lays his eyes on the rogue ninja. He watches as the mad bomber started planting explosives around the first hole, apparently figuring out it would be easier to just blow up the entrance rather than pull off the front door. Sasuke, fried red tomato in hand, fully emerges from the hole and approaches the Iwa-Nin.
"That should do it, huhhuhhuhhuhhuh..." Deidara giddily stated while he buried his last bomb.
Suddenly, a hand lifts Deidara's hair bang and taps the top of his head like a door until he notices it.
"What's up, Dobe?"
Deidara looks up at Sasuke, who is chewing his snack, and hushes him before whispering: "There's an Uchiwa down there. And I'm twying to kill him".
He goes back to work, oblivious to the fact his target was casually standing in front of him. Sasuke, not feeling threatened whatsoever by the simple-minded blonde, decided to strike out a conversation. "What d'ya mean, uh, Uchiwa?"
Deidara faltered and paused to address the emo. "Uchiwas, Uchiwas!" He tried to explain Uchihas... to a Uchiha. "Y'know, with spiky black hair!"
"Oh, like this?" Sasuke asked as he gestured to his own hair, to which Deidara nodded. The missing-nin continues to explain, using sign language.
"Uh-huh. And eyes that turn red."
Sasuke shows off his Sharingan, giving off another hint.
Finally, the Akatsuki member puts his hands in his pockets and walks around brooding. "And they brood all over the place with those judgy, overconfident eyes of theirs. They think they are just so cool!"
"...Hunh."
Deidara stopped and blinked... twice... thrice.
Dark spiky hair. Red eyes. Brooding all angsty. Annoyed grunt.
He breaks it out to the readers, "Y'know I bewieve this fewwa is a U-C-H-I-H-A."
...You don't say...
"Pardon me, but you know, you look just like a Uchiwa," Deidara remarked jolly, weirdly enough.
Sasuke stared, just stared at the ignorant Shinobi. "Umm... come here."
Deidara does so, allowing the Uchiha to grab his shoulders.
"'Listen, Dobe. Now don't spread this around, but uh... confidentially..." The Oto-Nin started calmly and softly. He turns the other's head to get a clear shot at his ear.
...
"I AM A UCHIWA!"
Done stating the obvious, Sasuke runs away from the Akatsuki, who was rendered temporarily catatonic from the yell, and rushes behind a tree. But not before calling out to Deidara one last time:
"Last look!" Then he vanished around the trunk.
Deidara creeps up behind the tree, seeking his quarry. Unaware that his prey is coming towards him from the other side. Once he was right behind the rogue ninja, Sasuke covered his eyes.
"Guess who?"
"Umm... Yukie Fujikaze?"
Child's play. "No."
"...Gongorō Kamakura?" Deidara continued naming celebrities off his head.
"Nuh-uh."
He listed out next: "...Tomaro or Ashina from Romy and Jule?"
"No."
"...Black Zetsu?"
Sasuke failed to suppress a snicker. "Yeah, like that would ever be the answer." Nonetheless, he decided to give him a clue. "But you are getting closer."
The bomber stumped then realized: "Say... you wouldn't be that screwy Uchiwa, would ya?"
Scratching his chin and uncovering Deidara's eyes when he did so, Sasuke pretended to give his assumption some thought. That was when the blonde turned to face him at last.
Big mistake.
"Mmm, could be."
'SMOOCH'
The emo kisses the terrorist and scampers away, plunging into the hole once more.
Deidara chases after him, poking his head inside the tunnel as he curses: "Doggone, you ol'mean Uchiwa!"
'SMOOCH'
Sasuke responded by grabbing his head and kissing him on the lips again. Immediately, the Iwa-Nin recoiled back to the surface to wipe his mouth. "I'll get that Uchiwa!" He vowed, already tired of being outwitted by the Uchiha at this stage. "I'll set my Uchiwa trap!"
A while later, Deidara is setting up his trap; placing a plate full of fried green tomatoes to lure Sasuke into the path of two explosive birds hidden in the treeline. Even going as far as to put out a sign reading 'Tomatoes' to persuade the 'Uchiwa'. All set, he whistled to catch Sasuke's attention.
"Here, Uchiwa, Uchiwa, Uchiwa!"
Tentatively, the emo sticks his head outside the hole to see what's up (get it?).
"Nice, fried tomatoes!"
Like that, a joyful expression overtakes his face and he sets out in earnest to grab a bite.
Deidara conceals himself in the bushes as he sees Sasuke approaching the bait. Turning away so as to not be seen by his target, the nukenin didn't have to wait long to hear the...
'BOOM'
Not bothering to wait for the smoke to dissipate, he rushes to blindly pick what he believes to be a leftover trophy which would serve him as evidence to claim the reward for the Uchiha's death.
Except, what he actually caught was a skunk.
"I told you I would catch you, didn't I?" Utterly oblivious to the critter in his hand, Deidara goes to brag to Sasuke, who was casually leaning on a tree with an arrogant but amused smirk plastered on his face, clearly wondering how stupid this guy was. "Fell for my trap, didn't you? Huhhuhhuhhuhhuh..." Sasuke, playing along, nods at every incorrect statement from the Iwa-Nin. "Too smart for you, wasn't I?" As he munched on a green tomato, the Oto-Nin gave the Akatsuki a thumbs-up. "I finally caught ya, didn't I-?"
His mouth froze open. While his voice gave up.
Sasuke, meantime, was still smirking.
...
...
Deidara got right on his face, likely refusing to believe his eyes.
'SMOOCH'
So, Sasuke gave his nose a peck. Confirming he wasn't just seeing things.
"Oh-oh." A feeling of dread built up inside the bomber as he finally shifted his gaze to see his 'trophy'
Smugly, the skunk winked and nudged him: "Confidentially, you know...?"
Slowly, very slowly, Deidara lowers the animal back on the ground, making sure to keep the tail as low as possible so he wouldn't get sprayed, and gingerly sent the skunk on his merry way, wincing the entire time.
Then he aimed his palm at Sasuke, ready to blast him point-blank with a C1 explosive. "Doggone, you mean, old Uchiwa! That's the last straw!"
"Okay, Dobe." Said the former Leaf Ninja, easily flicking away the unconventional grenade launcher. "I had my fun, see. To show ya I'm a sport, I'll give ya a good shot at me."
So, after helping Deidara get in a good position to shoot him, Sasuke walked over toward a tree where he then gave the signal wave to the mercenary.
"Okay, Dobe." He said before closing his eyes and using his hands to block his ears.
Deidara readies himself and takes aim, ready to fire.
'CHIRPING'
Sasuke falters. Opening his eyes, he looks upwards to follow the merry chirp, eventually finding the singing pair on the branch directly above him.
"Woah, hold it!" He waves at the bounty hunter to stop, lest bird droppings came down upon his head. Once he had moved away from the tree at a good angle, his fingers give the 'Okay' signal to Deidara. "Okay, let it go."
The explosive is fired.
'BOOM'
A powerful blast causes Deidara to jerk back and blows his long hair into his face. Pulling back his bang, the first thing he saw was Sasuke, back slammed against the tree, badly bloodied, and with his clothes torn apart.
"OW! You got me!" Knees failing, the emo's body sagged down the tree trunk to the ground where he then coughed up heavily, struggling to maintain both his breathing and consciousness.
In hasty, Deidara came to his side and cradled the supposedly dying man in his arms.
"This looks like the end." Between coughs and wheezing, the Uchiha managed a few last sentences. "Ohh, I can't hang on much longer. I'm all washed up." His arms rub against his hazy eyes. "Ooh, everything's getting dark! I can't... I can't see!" Head convulsing from side to side, Sasuke grabbed onto Deidara's Akatsuki cloak. "Don't leave me! It's dark... dark..." He trailed off but was able to say: "Goodbye, pal... 'cough' 'cough' 'cough' ...Goodbye."
Like that, he collapsed motionless.
"Mr. Uchiwa, say something!" Deidara tries to shake him back into consciousness to no avail. The former Leaf-Nin's performance left him feeling rather sorry and spiteful of himself for offing him (despite the fact that was his intention all along). "Speak to me!"
Tears overflowing in his eyes, the nukenin bangs his head on a nearby tree, wracked with guilt.
"I killed him! I killed him! I'm a muwdewer!" He cried before sobbing uncontrollably against the wood. "Why did I do it?! I killed a poor, little, rogue, emo Uchiwa!"
Just then, as Deidara continues to mourn, Sasuke's body dissipates.
Jumping down from the branches of the same tree under which he supposedly 'died', the Oto-Nin revealed himself after releasing his Genjutsu. Upon seeing the despaired ninja, he softly made his way to him. Once he was right behind the grief-stricken Shinobi...
He kicked him on the booty... hard.
"OUCH!"
'DING'
Like a 'ring the bell' game from a carnival, Deidara flies all the way to the top of the tree, hits his head on the topmost branch, and drops back down. That was when Sasuke suddenly appeared in the air and proceeded to kick him higher up at increasingly greater speeds. His feet were like a swinging airbrush. The higher Deidara went and the faster he moved, the more damage he suffered when, as his finishing blow, the Uchiha kicked him back to the ground... even harder.
"Shishi Rendan (Lions Barrage)!"
'BOOM'
Landing by the downed bomber's side, Sasuke saw he was down but not out. Thus, he shoved a 'prize' cigar in his mouth before leaving the scene with a ballet-style Shushin (Body Flicker).
A little longer and he would have gotten front seats for Deidara's screams:
"AWW! Uchiwas! Explosives! Uchiwa-Twaps!" He kept on bellowing till he was out of the forest, frustrated, defeated, and probably driven to madness. "UCHIWAS! UCHIWAS! UCHIWAS!"
Having watched the tirade from a short distance away, Sasuke only shook his head as he chewed on a fried green tomato. "Can ya imagine anybody actin' like dat?" He remarks to the audience regarding the terrorist. "Y'know, I think the poor ninja's loony."
Pulling out his unused sheathed sword, he began to play it like a comically oversized fife, playing the tune The Girl I Left Behind Me as he marched towards his snake hole.
###
Sand Devil May Care
Springtime has come to the Hidden Leaf Village. As the year draws to a close, all villagers prepare to clean house now that the cold winter has passed. In the mostly-abandoned Uchiha District, an emo can be seen disposing of his garbage (made up mainly of eggshells and pruned bits of tomato plants) in the nearest trash can as he hums "Tales from the Vienna Woods".
That was when a rocket-like bird flew by.
"Whoa!"
Sasuke ducked his head quickly, letting it zoom harmlessly past him.
"People should be more careful when playing with fireworks." He commented, mistaking the thing that almost took his head. "A person's liable to get-"
A stag, likely from the Nara Clan Forest, came out of nowhere and leaped over him, forcing the Uchiha to crouch down again.
"Hey, what's all the excitement about?!" He shouted after the hurried deer.
On cue, the earth started trembling. Turning around, Sasuke saw a huge variety of people and animals stampeding in fear down the desolate neighborhood: toads, snakes, slugs, more deer, dogs, cats, turtles, beetles, crows, civilians, Genins, Chūnins, Jōnin, Anbus, Summons, Academy Students, Rōnins, Monks, Zetsus, and the Sage knows what else.
"Eh, what's up, Dobe?" Caught in the middle of the fleeing crowd, Sasuke nonchalantly tries to query at least one of them. "What's up, Dobe? Wha-what's up, Dobe?" No matter how many times he asked, nobody stopped to give him answers. "What's up...? What's up, Dobe?"
Sighing, he brings out a snow shovel.
'CLANG'
It wasn't long until someone collided headfirst into it.
"What's cooking?" He asked the turtle who had fallen on its butt after hitting the shovel.
"The One-Tailed Shukaku is on the loose!" Yelling, the Summon ran off. "Run! Run! Run for your life!"
Tossing aside his shovel, Sasuke pondered: "Umm, I don't even know what a One-Tailed Shukaku is." Eyes drifting to the window to his room, the Uchiha decided to jump his way in. "I better investigate."
Yet, unknown to the Genin, Gaara of the Desert has spun into the area in the form of a small but unstoppable sand tornado. Nothing could stand in its way: boulders cracked in two, tree bases were shredded, and concrete floors were tunneled. Out of the hurricane comes a person with pale skin, green eyes, and short auburn hair; no distinctive pupils or eyebrows to be seen. Tanuki-like black rings circled his eyes and he had the kanji for "love" carved on the side of his forehead.
Searching the nearby buildings for his next meal, he mumbled a plethora of incomprehensible gibberish; most of his vocabulary had devolved into a mish-mash of growls, raspberries, and screeches barked through a gravelly voice.
That was when he heard Sasuke's voice through the window.
Sitting by his desk, the Leaf Genin researched his encyclopedia: "L... M... N... O, One-Tailed... here it is!"
"The One-Tailed Shukaku— A strong, murderous beast, magnetic sand as powerful as a steel trap. Has a ravenous appetite: eats ninjas from the Cloud, Rock, Waterfall, Grass, Moon, Mist, Sound, Rain, Sand-"
"Leaf."
"Leaf? It doesn't say 'Leaf' here."
A sand tendril grabs a pencil and writes at the end of the page: "and the Leaf"
Unflinchingly, Sasuke turned his attention to the disheveled fellow who had snuck behind him while he was reading. "Eh, what's up, Dobe?"
Gaara's response: grab him with another tendril, clearly intent on eating the Konoha-Nin.
In turn, Sasuke clocked him on the noggin. "Put me down, ya baggy-eyed devil!"
Plotting to escape but knowing this was going to be a tricky one, he made sure to keep his wits about.
"If you eat me, what'd you got? One skinny emo, that's all." The Genin said before rolling up his pants to show his puny bare leg. "Look. No meat." Then, he went straight for the kill. "Now look, pal. I can fix you up with a menagerie!"
Gaara's eyes perked up. "You will?"
"That's right, Dobe." Smirking, Sasuke wrapped a hand around the Jinchuuriki's shoulder. "First, we will start the menu with a little appetizer: groundhogs."
Those words brought water to the possessed Suna-Nin's mouth.
Soon, the two of them were at the outskirts of the Village with shovels in tow.
"Okay, Dobe. This is the spot." Sasuke said as they came to a stop. "We will start digging for groundhogs."
Gaara eagerly started shoveling, taking only a few seconds to make a hole big enough for the Uchiha to bury him whole, which is exactly what he did while the Sand ninja was distracted with his work.
"That's that." Said the Leaf Shinobi as he put a flower on Gaara's 'grave', thinking he is done with the latter... until somebody poked him from behind.
"What for you bury me in the cold, cold ground?" With a snarl, Gaara then sprung and pinned Sasuke down.
"N-n-now, Dobe, take it easy, take it easy-wait-wait!" He sniffed the air, pretending to have smelled something nearby. "I smell chicken."
An excited glint flashed by Gaara's eyes. "Chicken?"
"Sure, Dobe." The Uchiha declared as the Jinchuuriki got off of him. "Wait right here and I will fix it up for you."
Sneaking away, he pulled out two products: liquid bubble gum and bicarbonate of soda, mixed them together into a dough-like substance, and modeled it into a pink, real-size chicken. Done that, he called out to Gaara:
"Luncheon is served! Luncheon is served!"
Between hungry whines and raspberries, along came the voracious insomniac. Without stopping for a second look, he devoured the chicken. His bites suddenly stopped when he started hiccuping uncontrollably, incidentally blowing a bubble that grew bigger and bigger with each hiccup. Sasuke, who watched the scene before him with a cocky smirk, let out a wind gust that sent the pink bubble and Gaara high up in the air. As it begins to drift away, Sasuke pulls a kunai and flings it to pop the bubble, causing Gaara to fall and become entangled in the gum caught in a tree branch, literally leaving him hanging.
For his next trick, Sasuke brought a portable life-raft that inflates by simply pulling its cord. He painted a pig's face on its side and gave it a set of leaf ears, along with a curly tail made of grass to complete the disguise. Once everything was set, the Konoha Genin went to hide behind a tree, but not before grabbing up the string.
"Oink, oink, oink... oink. Oink-oink, oink... oink, oink..." By making pig noises, he hoped to lure the devil to the bait.
It worked. Gaara appeared and swallowed the whole thing without chewing. When he spotted the Uchiha behind the tree, Sasuke pulled the cord and the raft inflated inside him, resulting in his body taking on the shape of the raft.
Later, the emo was working on the finishing touches of his latest ploy: a great deer made up of a barrel, wooden planks, a bucket, two brooms, and a pair of branches. As he put his hammer aside, the familiar sound of a miniature sandstorm announced the arrival of a mad Jinchuuriki. Swirling in, Gaara chases after the fleeing Uchiha, who climbs up a tree to safety.
"N-n-now, devil, control yourself!" Sasuke clung to a branch but soon found himself getting closer to the ground. The Suna ninja methodically chomped sections of the tree, causing it to become smaller with each bite. "That's no way to act! Now, now, take it easy, I can explain everything, Dobe!" He tried to divert his attacker by pointing at the crudely made wooden dummy. "Uh, I just rounded up something very extra special for ya, a nice, fat deer!"
Gaara stopped, just as he was about to snap his jaws around the trickster, looked at the 'deer' standing there on the field, and prepared to pounce on it.
"Not so fast, you'll scare him away!" Sasuke adverted, halting the frenzied desert-dweller. "First, knock him out with this slingshot, then go get him." He pointed at the huge rubber band he had slung around a tree early as part of his plan.
Nodding with a snort, Gaara began pulling the slingshot back in preparation to fling the pre-loaded rock, bending the anchoring tree in the process. As soon as the insomniac is out of sight, Sasuke makes a hand seal.
"Katon: Gōkakyū no Jutsu (Fire Style: Fireball Jutsu)!"
A bright orb of flame expelled out of his mouth and quickly burned through the wooden trunk. The now flying tree drags Gaara and they soar backwards at great speed.
'CRASH'
Then they crashed.
"What a maroon." Watching the dazed tanuki-boy's misfortune, Sasuke cracked into a laugh. "What a-"
Something behind him licked his hands. He turns around and sees a real fawn.
"Hey, scram." He told the oblivious creature. "Come on, beat it! The One-Tailed Shukaku is liable to get ya! He's a mean, vicious, nasty, no-good, baggy-eyed, marble-headed ignoramorous! He's a stupid..." only to trail off when he took notice that said 'ignoramorous' was right behind him, not looking the very least amused.
"Flattery'll get ya nowhere. And you can't fool me again."
"Huh? Why... yeah, yeah! That's right, Dobe!" A nervous Sasuke fumbled a bit before he pointed to the fawn. "This little bitsy animal is made out of straw."
"But YOU'RE not!" Gaara, smirking like a psycho, bared his teeth at him, making clear his desire to kill and eat the Uchiha was not just for hunger.
With nothing else to say, Sasuke ran off with a sandstorm hot on his heels. The fawn stays there looking on as they go. Gaara's sand destroyed everything on his path; while Sasuke trekked up the foothills, Shukaku's vessel tore its way through the mountain's base, literally cutting it down to size. Evading and circling the forest trees in his trail, the last Uchiha managed to get out of the way of the beast's rampage by hiding behind one of them. Seeing he had eluded the mad tanuki for the time being, he retrieved a candlestick telephone from a hole in the tree to make a call.
"Long distance? Get me 'Earth Country', I need their Post-Dispatch!" He sent a nervous glance to the reader. "Oh brother, what I got up my sleeve shouldn't happen." Focusing back on the phone: "Hello, Earth Country Post-Dispatch? Uh, insert this ad: scarred sand-user would like to meet lonely lady user, object: matrimony."
Putting the device back in the tree hole, Sasuke checked his watch and inwardly begged it wouldn't take long for them to respond. Less than five seconds later, an airplane flew by to make landfall on the open fields. Eyes gazing upon the name 'Earth Kingdom Air Lines' on the vehicle's side, Sasuke pondered if they hadn't contacted him to the 'Land of Earth' as he had wanted.
His thoughts were confirmed when a tiny, blind girl dressed in foreign (civilian) clothes came out of the plane and made her way directly to Gaara upon landing her eyes on him.
Seeing her coming closer, the psycho growled ferociously and send his tendrils to catch the appetizer while he couldn't get the Uchiha.
But then... the sand stopped.
In place, but trembling as if two opposing forces were struggling for control.
Seizing her chance, Toph Beifong marched toward a temporarily neutralized Gaara, who was too busy trying to figure out what was happening, grabbed him by the collar... and kissed him right on the mouth.
Sand fell all around them.
Reeling back, Gaara barked a series of different, animalistic sounds at her. Toph joined in; making a strange plethora of noises that reminded Sasuke of a mole and badger... at the same time... odd.
Shrugging at the weirdness before him, the Leaf ninja used Henge (Transformation) to make himself look like a minister and whistled at the pair for them to gather up in front of him. At the end of the ceremony, if one could call it that, he declared: "I now pronounce you Devil and Devilish."
After a kiss to make it official, the weird, wedded couple walked toward the plane with Sasuke tossing rice as they went. Once on board, Gaara and Toph ride off in the airplane. The Uchiha waves them farewell.
"All the world loves a lover." He gushed at the audience before shaking his head. "But in this case, we'll make an exception."