Truant Officer Iruka

A group of mallards are enjoying a nice, leisurely swim in the pond. But amongst them is also a fully clothed, blue-eyed, blonde kid giving himself a manicure as he hummed a tune.

Stopping momentarily to address the reader, he simply said: "I like to stand out in a crowd."

Going back to filing his fingernails, the peaceful atmosphere surrounding the area was abruptly broken by a blasting sound.

'BOOM'

The startled birds (plus Naruto) snapped their heads in the noise's direction. Knowing what caused it, the ducks quickly submerged their heads underwater for cover. The blonde, on the other hand, first put his swim cap on before doing the same. It suddenly looked as if somebody had littered the lake with Sasuke wigs... and a pair of sandal-wearing legs.

'BOOM'

The second explosion prompted the flock to fly off; only the lone human stayed in the pond. Walking around the ACADEMY sign by the lakeshore is a man with a duty to uphold: to make sure all students are in class. He wore a standard Chūnin vest and his brown hair was done in a ponytail. Probably the most noticeable aspect of him, however, was the scar that ran across the bridge of his nose.

Truant Officer Iruka Umino came to a stop and stared at the legs sticking out of the water. "That's enough skipping school, Naruto. Come on out!"

Naruto did so, still with his feet in the air and walking on his hands until he was right in front of Iruka. "Cut that out, Sensei! I'm not some pointless, unremarkable extra put there just to fill up the classroom." He proudly declared, jumping to stand on his feet. "I'm gifted. I'm just slopping over with talent. I can sing..."

As a demonstration, he sang a snippet of Laugh, Clown, Laugh:

"Chachachachacha, chachachacha. Laugh, Clown, Laugh!" Then he bounced in place and crackled a Machiavelian laugh. "Bwaha, bwaha, bwahaha-ha!" Afterward, he carried on. "I can dance..."

The blonde started to tap dance wildly, performing several moves in fast succession before doing a bow to his 'audience'.

"And I am an actor!" His final statement came with swagger as well as a fake accent. "I even got a new contract with Warner Brothers!" He flashed him the contract in question and then folded it back. "Get a load of this!" Making a hand seal, his Naruko clone came out of a puff of smoke. And, much to Iruka's nausea, Naruto began to hug, kiss, and woo 'her'... in French.

The truant officer really, really didn't need to see that.

Popping the clone out of existence, Naruto was still dead-set on showing his acting 'prowess'. "Now the villain. Henge (Transformation)!"

The blonde was gone, and in his place stood a tall muscular man with long spiky hair and piercing Sharingan eyes... but nothing was scarier than his laugh.

"MWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

As thunder clapped behind the looming form of Madara Uchiha, Iruka slowly backed away from the Ghost standing in front of him. But the former had other plans. Before he knew it, the poor Chūnin soon found himself being chased around a large boulder by the guy who stomped on ninjas like him as if they were mere insects. Both Shinobi continued to run in circles for a few seconds, but then 'Madara' stepped out of the loop while Iruka kept running from nothing.

Then, he moved in front of the officer, causing the latter to halt directly on the powerhouse's face.

"Say..." Smirking evilly, the living legend caught Iruka's neck in a strong grip. "Would you like to dance, bub?"

"N-N-N-Naruto, stop it!" Umino said (read: pleaded).

"Don't go for the heavy drama, huh?" Quirking an eyebrow, a nonchalant 'Madara' dropped him on the ground. "OK, maybe you'll be interested in a little phrenology, which is by no means the least of my many accomplishments."

The teacher just looked confused. "What do you mean by phrenology?"

"That means I can tell your future by feeling the bumps on your head," Naruto explained after undoing his disguise.

"But I have no bumps on my head."

'BONK'

To that, the student repeatedly hammered the teacher on the noggin with a stick.

"You have now, teach!" A mirror showed Iruka the damage done to his head while the foxy trickster jumped off, 'hoo-hoo'-ing all the way like a mad lad on a sugar rush. "Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!"

Turning around the bend, Naruto was stopped when he was greeted by the business end of Iruka's net gun. "Now I read your future, punk: leave school and you won't have any!"

"Uhm…" But the boy blocked out the teacher's words, too busy admiring the inside of the pre-loaded net, where the picture of a woman posing in a bathing suit could be clearly seen. Whistling at the sight, he gestured for Iruka to take a peek. The scarred man did so... and saw the blond doing the same pose.

"Y-Y-You come outta there, you crazy brat!" In vain, the truant officer shook his gun up and down in an attempt to drop Naruto out of the net. Then, he aimed it upwards. "This will get you out!"

'BANG'

Up went the projectile, and the net spread out in the air releasing the student. As gravity proceeded to pull him into a free-fall, Naruto assumed a diving stance similar to a falling bomb. Iruka, who had climbed a tree to get a better view, saw him vanish in a rather forested tree line.

'BOOM'

A fiery explosion went off deep into the woods, startling a Chūnin away from his target as the latter raced out of the foliage toward the pond. Regaining his composure, Umino caught sight of the boy diving into the lake.

"You can't catch me, teach!" Bragged the soggy maelstrom out loud, not fearing the possible consequences whatsoever. "Because I can hold my breath underwater practically indefinitely."

Pinching his nostrils shut, he fully submerged in the water as if daring the school officer to chase him in there. But Iruka Umino doesn't give up so easily. He may not be able to hold his breath for long, but he had a diving helmet.

Underneath a diminutive pier, near the bottom of the lake, a blonde prankster had set up his hammock by tying it to the support beams of the wooden structure. He sang to the tune of I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles while blowing a bunch of bubbles himself in the process.

"I'm forever blowing bubbles, pretty bubbles in the air..." His liquid-muffled voice trailed off once he saw the approaching figure wearing a diving helmet.

Iruka surveyed the area, walking no different than he would in the dry land. At last, Naruto came to stand directly in front of him, except now he was sporting a derby hat while also carrying a briefcase. The smiley blonde then started to tap on the helmet's face plate.

'KNOCK' 'KNOCK' 'KNOCK'

"Who is it?" Inquired Iruka.

Naruto (singsong): "It's the Fuller Brush Man!"

Iruka (absentmindedly): "Come in."

The blond pulled open the face plate... and the scarred man practically flew back to the surface.

'SPLASH'

Chakra was channeled to his feet, allowing Iruka to safely stand on the lake's surface as he took out the overflowing piece of scuba gear and coughed out the water he accidentally had swallowed. Afterward, he glared down to the lake where his cheeky student still hides and raced back to get something by the shore: a pail. Aware that he couldn't catch the little punk underwater, he instead decided to rid the boy of his hideout. One scoop at a time, the lake's water was bailed out by the bucket. Sometime later, the shoreline had grown exponentially and one could easily notice that the lake itself was shrinking. Eventually, the riverbed had been reduced to little more than a collection of medium-sized puddles, one of which Iruka was still dead-set on emptying... at least until he was confounded by the scene taking place next to him.

His target, Naruto, was flopping around on the ground with his feet intertwined and his arms clinging close to his sides vertically. Apparently, the boy was pretending to be a fish out of water... in the literal sense.

"Now I got ya, you darn brat!" Head enlarged to gigantic levels, the teacher pointed his net gun at the little troublemaker.

Naruto stopped, but mostly out of confusion than fear. "Brat? Don't you believe I am a fish?"

"No," Umino said bluntly.

Suddenly frowning, Naruto got on his feet. "Cynic, then I don't believe you are a teacher!"

"That's ridiculous, of course I am a teacher!"

"Oh yeah?!" A skeptical Naruto folded his arms and countered: "Well, I say you are an eagle!"

"I am a teacher!"

"You are an eagle!"

"Teacher!"

"Eagle!"

"Teacher!"

"Eagle!"

"Teacher!"

"Eagle!"

"Teacher!"

"Eagle!"

"Teacher!"

"Teacher!"

"Eagle!"

"Teacher!"

"Eagle!"

"Teacher!"

"Eagle!"

"Teacher!"

"Eagle!"

"Teacher!"

"I AM AN EAGLE AND I WILL PROVE IT!" Iruka's powerful lungs finally brought an end to their little altercation.

More resolute than ever before, Umino stormed straight to the nearest tree he could find and walked his way up to a tall branch. Naruto came over to watch him; wiggling his eyes slyly at the reader since all could tell how this would end. Flapping his arms vigorously, the scarred man jumped off and actually managed to stay up in the air for a while... but then he fell from a considerably high altitude.

'THUMP'

Sprawled on the floor, Iruka shook his head to regain his bearings and saw Naruto standing beside him.

"I told you I was a teacher!"

Vaulting to catch his net gun, the truant officer started shooting at the boy.

'BANG'

Naruto ducked down to avoid the first projectile.

'BANG'

He jumped over the second one.

'BANG'

Dodged the third.

'BANG'

Leaped over the fourth.

'BANG'

Sidestepped the fifth.

...

As for the sixth... it never came. Searching for ammo in his pockets and sealing scrolls, the Chūnin didn't find anything. That was when a curious Naruto came over to him.

"What's the matter, Sensei? Out of ammunition?"

Face scrunching into a frowny scowl, Iruka grumbled: "...Yes."

"Praise the Log!" The now jubilant blonde raised his arms to the heavens.

But then, out of nowhere, a revolver muzzle poked against his skull.

"But I still got my trusty six-shooter!" Eyes narrowed, Iruka closed in on Naruto until he had cornered the latter next to a grounded old boat. Hopefully, this would scare the boy straight.

"Wait!" Naruto said, raising his hands. "Grant me one last request," His voice spoke out in a pleading tone and he clasped his hands as if making a prayer. "Let me say farewell to my wife and kids, please." He begged, yanking his teacher by the collar. Sad violin music accompanied his outburst.

Umino's posture faltered once he heard that. "Gosh! I didn't know you had a family." He said, forgetting the boy was an orphan... and too young to be a married family man. "Sure. I guess it will be all right."

Naruto pounds his chest and lets out a Tarzan-esque yell, with a coughing fit at the end, to summon his 'family'.

A tearful quartet walks into the scene: the first one was pretty much a female Naruto with pigtails while the last three were all younger children: one was a fair-skinned, blonde boy with a hairstyle resembling a leaf and two whisker markings on each of his cheeks; walking behind him was a little girl with dark-blue hair that she wore with straight bangs and a hime-cut; lastly came a young man with grey eyes and bushy black hair, the sides of which were shaven and blond in color. This one stopped momentarily to look scornfully at a sheepish Iruka and spit at him. Putting aside their tear-soaked tissues, they went to say their goodbyes.

"Farewell, Naruko." Naruto gave his 'wife' a kiss on the lips. "So long, Boruto." He hugged his 'son'. "Goodbye, Hima-Chan." Hoisted up his baby girl and kissed her forehead. "Adios, Kawaki." The boy hesitated, but ultimately couldn't resist hugging his 'father'.

"...Gee, kids and everything. I can't force him away from them." Looking down in regret, Iruka turned around and started to make his way back to the Village. "I would feel like a rat."

Naruto and his family watch on as he leaves... soon, the music stops and is replaced by blusterous laughter.

"Nice work, fellas!" Naruto congratulated his 'family', just as a clone of him with a violin in hand came to join them.

Collective puffs of smoke obscured the area. After the air cleared, 'Naruko' and the other clone were gone while the kids revealed themselves to be a boy with short spiky brown hair, blue eyes, and a small chip in his tooth ('Boruto'); a girl with orange hair tied up, with red elastics, into two very large pigtails ('Hima-Chan'); and a boy with short brown hair and dark eyes, circular glasses and (yuck!) a drip of snot perpetually hanging from his nose ('Kawaki').

"Come on, Boss," Konohamaru asked amongst the laughing group. "Pay up!"

They continued guffawing at how easily they tricked the officer...

'BANG'

Until a familiar sound was heard.

'BANG'

Having finally remembered that he was dealing with a troublesome student and not a family man, Iruka came back running and shooting, aiming his reloaded net gun at the quartet. All four children ran and jumped around in order to escape, 'hoo-hoo'-ing as they vanished into the distance towards the nearest lake.

###

The Super Snooper

Amongst Amegakure's imposing skyline is a building made specifically for treating the water from the sewers and floods in the village. Its upper floors serve as private offices for many businesses, including that of a certain "Private Eye, Ear, Nose, and Throat".

"I was in my office in the Water Treatment Building room 711."

The workplace of Uzumaki Ame-Naruto was, for lack of a better word, pitiful. Utterly disheveled. The blinds of the window had holes in their fabrics, the wallpaper was torn apart, and there were cobwebs all over the place. Inside that ill-kept room, the trenchcoat-wearing detective carried a case of empty bottles towards the open window.

"I was disposing of my last case," Naruto said, throwing his trash out. "I needed a new case, badly. Then the phone rang."

'RI-RI-RING' 'RI-RI-RING'

"I answered it." Grabbing the candlestick, he slouched and reclined on his chair. "I said hello."

Once he had the receiver to his ear, he spoke through the mouthpiece:

"Hello, Uzumaki Ame-Naruto Private Eye speaking. What's on your mind besides your head?"

The person on the other side of the line told him.

"Yeah? Yeah? The Kabutowari Estate, huh?" Naruto pondered. "Strange goings on out there? Like what, for instance?"

"Like... listen:"

Everything started shaking.

'RATATATATA' "KYAAAHHHHH!" 'BOOOM' 'POLICE SIRENS AND WHISTLES' 'BOOOM'

"Like that, eh? Not interested." Right after declaring that, Naruto jolted up in his chair and his eyes widened in surprise. "For 10 Gs?!" Frowning, he stood up. "How do I know you got that kind of dough?"

A wad of money came out of the transmitter.

"He's got it, heh-heh." Naruto laughed as he grabbed the cash. "I should have charged extra to buy lunch."

No sooner than he had finished that sentence more notes popped out of the phone. Putting the receiver back in place and a lollipop in his mouth, Naruto proceeded to (literally) skip his way to the door.

"I decided I better hop out there."

"The Kabutowari place was one of those plus fifteen-room mansions in the Hidden Rain's outskirts."

Naruto stood before the front door at the manor's marble porch.

"I rang the doorbell."

Chimes played a funeral march once he pressed the button.

"The door opened, it was the butler."

A rather unusual fellow showed himself by pulling in the double doors. An elderly man with wrinkles lining his face, wearing a dark suit jacket over a pinstripe turtleneck shirt and matching pinstripe pants. But what really got Naruto's attention was that his left arm and leg had been replaced with noticeably experimental cybernetic prosthetics. The right side of his face was heavily scarred, and a craniofacial prosthetic covered his right eye, cheek, and ear.

"All right, Tao Pai Pai, why did you do it?" Naruto accused the butler right to his face. Then he backed down and looked at the reader. "Oh, what's the use? A suspicious-looking butler is never guilty in those whodunits."

"Walk this way, sir." The butler said, stepping back into the house and taking overly long strides as he walked deeper inside. After shrugging at the man's strange actions, Naruto mimicked his stroll while keeping pace behind the old ninja.

"It ain't easy." Commented the private eye to the reader. Slowing to a halt, the butler moved aside to give passage for the blond to enter a room.

"Right here in the library, sir." Naruto stopped by the entrance while the cyborg left.

"All right, let's get to the bottom of this." He declared, surveying the room with his clenched hands on his hips. "Where's the body?

"Was someone asking for me?"

Naruto was caught off guard by the female standing by the room's exit. A tall, slender woman with fair skin, green eyes, and ankle-length, auburn hair styled into a herringbone pattern at the back, a top-knot tied with a dark blue band, and four bangs at the front of her face; two short ones, one covering her right eye, and two long ones crossing each other on her bust, just below her chin. She wore a long-sleeved, dark blue dress that fell just below the knees. Her clothing only covered up to the upper part of her arms and the underside of her breasts. Underneath, was a mesh armor that covered slightly more of her upper body than her dress. She also wore a matching skirt and, underneath those, mesh leggings reaching down over her knees. Around her waist, she had a belt with a pouch attached to the back on the left along with high-heeled sandals, shin guards reaching up over her knees, dark blue nail polish on her fingers and toes, and fuchsia lipstick.

"Enter the inevitable amorous babe who is just crazy about us hard-boiled gumshoes," Naruto told the reader before clicking his tongue at the shapely 'Lady Water Shadow.' "And just who are you, sister?"

"I am the body, sweetheart." She said, doing a pose as she came towards him. "And I am innocent." She hugged him from behind, coiling her arms around his neck and pressing her 'assets' against his back. "Do you hear me? Innocent."

"This is innocent?!" Naruto gawked at the reader while pointing at the seductress.

"Oh, babe." Growling and purring in a sultry manner, 'Lady Water Shadow' enveloped the detective in an embrace and dipped him down. "You gorgeous and handsome young man." She peppered his face with a barrage of kisses until the private eye pushed her lips away from him.

"Why did you do it?" Asked an unbothered and blank-faced Naruto despite this current situation.

She let go of him.

'THUMP'

"I didn't do it, sweetheart." The woman affirmed at the blonde on the floor. "I am innocent."

"Oh no, you are not!" Getting up, the 'hard-boiled gumshoe' pointed accusingly at her. "You did it, all right!" His finger wiggled in front of the lady. "Guilt is written all over your face!"

"Oh!" She gasped. Indeed, there was written text covering her facial features. Taking note of that, the madam quickly brought up her compact mirror and applied her face powder.

"You did it and you are glad you did it!" Naruto carried on with his accusations. "You are despicable! Just plain despicable! And-and-and... and..."

"And you are cute." Mei declared, pulling up his hat so she could caress his golden head. Naruto promptly snatched it back.

"You hated the old goat!" He stated as he walked to the table. "You couldn't wait to get rid of him, then you saw your chance... and you drew your little pistol out of your bag..." Checking her change purse, he pulled out a revolver with a barrel too long to fit inside the tiny bag. "...and you pointed it at him and..." He shoved the firearm into her hands. "...slowly squeezed the trigger, tighter and tighter and tighter..."

She did as he said and then...

'POW-POW-POW-POW'

She dropped the gun in alarm. Naruto's face had been plugged by all six rounds. Once the smoke had dissipated, the detective's body was there but the head was nowhere to be seen. Just then, Naruto came out from his jacket, revealing a face with more holes than Swiss cheese.

"NOT SO TIGHT!" The blond proclaimed loudly. Recovering, he marched over to her.

Seeing him moving in her direction, the lady hikes up her skirt to reveal a pair of long curvaceous legs.

"But you didn't kill him."

She turned the lights out.

'SMACK' 'SMACK' 'SMACK' 'SMACK' 'SMACK' 'SMACK' 'SMACK' 'SMACK' 'SMACK' 'SMACK'

Turning them back on, Naruto illuminated the numerous kiss marks the seductress had left on his face while it was dark. He went on to elaborate:

"You only wounded him." When he got closer, Lady Water Shadow cleaned him up with a handkerchief. "You grabbed the deer rifle off the wall, he ran screaming from the room!"

He rushed to grab the weapon in question and gave it to his suspect before 'reenacting' the dead man's final moments... according to him, at least.

"GYAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

After that, he poked his head to address her from the library's entrance.

"Then when he tried to sneak out, you let him have it!" Naruto tiptoed his way across.

The lady let him have it.

'POW' 'POW' 'POW' 'POW' 'POW' 'POW' 'POW' 'POW' 'POW' 'POW' 'POW' 'POW'

The private eye is shot multiple times like a game dummy, the scoreboard going from 5 to 200 before eventually saying "Pretty good shooting, sister".

"Yeah, pretty good shooting... but not good enough!" Naruto returned to pointing his accusing finger at her. "He was still kicking, so then what did you do?"

"Search me." She offered him a shrug and smiled coyly.

"Business before pleasure, please, madam." He was back to his inquiring. "You were determined to exterminate him, WEREN'T YOU?!"

The bombshell pecked him twice.

'SMACK' 'SMACK'

"Stop that! We have work to do!"

"Rowr! Rowr!" She just purred at his demeanor.

Later, Naruto was pulling a rope connected to a pulley system to hoist a piano up to the ceiling. Lady Water Shadow was right behind him, watching.

"You were determined to get rid of him." He said, turning to face her. "You evil woman, you..."

"You cutie pie, you." She cooed while pinching his cheek.

"And this time, you weren't going to fail!" Naruto handed her the rope. "Here, hold this."

The madame hungrily watched after him as moved out of the room. "I bet he looks cute in a bathing suit."

"You held on to the end of the rope!" Naruto started while walking into the library from another entrance. "And he entered the room, a little smile on his person, suspecting nothing." He stopped once the piano's shadow loomed over him. "And when he got right here, directly under the piano, you let go of the rope... DIDN'T YOU?!"

'CRASH'

The startled lady releases the rope holding up the musical instrument, which falls and crushes the private eye through the floor, leaving a dizzy and battered detective sitting down in the basement with piano keys for teeth.

While the temptress lay across the couch, she watched as the young man continued to share his made-up 'deductions'.

"You were getting desperate; you had to finish him once and for all." 'SMACK' He got close enough that the love-struck woman got another chance to kiss him on the cheek. "And then you recalled that the 5-15 ran right past your door and that he always opened the door to watch it go past and fixed it so this time it wouldn't go past!"

Walking outside through the backdoor, he moved the nearby train tracks so they were now leading towards it. Done that, Naruto closed the door and started walking from side to side expectantly.

"And impatiently you watched the clock, waiting for it to be 5-15..." He paused to check his watch. "And then at exactly 17:15, he opens the door."

Naruto opened the door.

'TRAIN WHISTLING'

At that precise time, the detective is flattened by the oncoming train, which derails and leaves him with a lantern on his head. Rising up, Naruto tossed the lantern aside, put his hat back on, and walked off grumbling.

"Sunday driver. It will take more than that to keep Ame-Naruto from solving this dastardly crime!"

"Crime, sweetheart?" From the couch, Lady Water Shadow's inquiry got his attention. "Nobody's committed any crime."

"They haven't?!" Naruto gawked in disbelief. "Then why, I ask you, why was I summoned here to the Kabutowari State?"

"Silly boy. The Kabutowari State is a couple of blocks off the street." She explained whilst making her way to him.

Now, the detective did a double-take. "Then... then you are innocent."

"Nuh-huh, sweetheart." Responded the madame. "I am guilty."

Her words further dumbfounded the private eye. "No crime committed but she is guilty?" A baffled Naruto stared at the reader before turning back to the seductress. "And what pray tell, may I ask, are you guilty of?"

"Of being crazy about you, sweetheart." She answered, swooning all over him and coiling her arms around his shoulders.

"Oh-oh, she's got that old ball-and-chain look in her eye," Naruto told the reader, and yes, the lady quite literally had pics of ball-and-chains on both of her eyes.

Immediately, Naruto shook her hand in a hasty manner and fled to the front door.

"Well, so long!"

Not giving up on her 'cutie pie,' the Mist Kunoichi hikes up her skirt and chases after him. They both break through the front door which now houses their bride and groom imprints.