The phone close to Maddy's head was ringing incessantly and it was a massive effort to reach out for it and bring it to her ear.

"'Ello?" she said groggily. She listened to the voice of the receptionist on the other end of the line then sat up quickly to look at the clock, which read 9:47. "Oh, bollocks. Can you tell him I'm running a little late? Actually, just tell him to come up."

She leapt out of bed to turn the shower on, threw off her pyjamas and grabbed her toothbrush all within about three seconds, and was miraculously well put together when Jonathan knocked on the door five minutes later.

She opened the door with a guilty expression. "I know. I know. I'm sorry. I promise I'm not actually late all the time these days."

"Sure you're not," he smiled. "But seeing as it's partly my fault for keeping you out so late, I'll forgive you."

"Thanks," she said with some relief, and opened the door more widely. "Come in. I just need to put my face on and get packed up then we can head out. How's your head?" she continued as he walked past her and took one of the seats by the window. "Do you want to make us some coffee?"

"Not as bad as I was expecting, but it does feel a little like that Cadbury gorilla's been let loose," he said as he headed over to the coffee machine and figured out how to make it function.

"Sorry?" Maddy popped her head round the bathroom door looking confused.

"Oh, it must have been on since you left. It's this ad where a gorilla's playing the drums to that Phil Collins song 'In The Air Tonight'," he answered, then continued slightly embarrassed at her bemused expression, "Suppose you have to see it."

"Not one of yours then?"

"Bit too surreal of a concept for me," he admitted. "Brilliant though."

Maddy smiled then busied herself getting ready, chatting as she went. Jonathan made their coffees then sat back down, his exhausted body glad for the support. He had barely slept after they'd got back last night. It had been made clear to him over the course of the day and night that his feelings for Maddy – some of them at least – were still very much alive and he'd realised he'd finally have to explain what had happened with Carla if they were to have any chance of continuing on with a clean slate. He'd been debating with himself whether to bring it up and risk ruining the rest of their time together, but he knew this could be his only chance, so he swallowed his nerves and began to speak.

"Can you sit down for a minute?"

She looked at him curiously and perched on the edge of the bed opposite his chair.

"I need to tell you something."

"Ooh. This sounds juicy," she laughed.

He looked down at his hands and she realised this wasn't a moment for levity. "It's about back then…when you left."

Maddy suddenly realised where this was going and felt an icy hand clench around her heart. She tried to stop him, shaking her head. "Jonathan…don't…"

He looked up into her clear blue eyes. "I have to." He closed his own eyes at the sight of her frightened gaze, trying to quell the panic that was roiling in his stomach, willing himself to speak before his entire body stopped functioning properly. "I know you saw me kissing Carla in the pub that day."

Maddy's gaze hardened, jumping to her own conclusions about what he was going to say. "If you're going to tell me how awful I was, then I don't want to hear -".

He cut her off. "Stop it. Stop it. Stop it," he repeated forcefully. "Please, I have to tell you."

She couldn't remember ever having seen Jonathan in such a state. That alone stunned her into silence.

"I saw you come into the pub. I kissed her on purpose so that you'd see, so that you'd be jealous. It didn't mean anything." Maddy looked at him, mouth agape, the meaning of what he was saying beginning to sink in. He carried on, over the precipice now, "It drove you away. I was such a bloody coward that I couldn't tell you."

Maddy felt like she'd been thrown into slow-motion. She could see Jonathan's lips moving, but the words were taking an age to reach her ears and they were all distorted and at a weird volume. At his first mention of the kiss, she'd been catapulted back to that moment in the pub: the realisation that she'd been right about Carla, that Jonathan was interested in her despite his earlier protestations to the contrary. Much worse, that meant that he wasn't interested in pursuing this thing with Maddy. Finally she'd thought they were managing to get somewhere and maybe, just maybe, they had a chance of a future together. But here he was in front of her, kissing someone else in the middle of the pub. She had never felt such raw heartache. She'd felt like the floor had fallen away from under her and she'd had to steady herself by pressing her hand against the wall.

But now he was telling her none of that was real? That they could maybe have made it after all? It was more than she was able to comprehend; her whole life had just spun on its axis and she didn't know which way was up anymore.

She had an overwhelming urge to escape; to run as far away as possible and not confront this, and she looked to the door to start planning her route. In the next moment she recognised that this was a pivotal moment which could change the course of her life if she allowed it in, and she managed to calm herself down enough to stay in the room.

"Please say something," he urged her, panic in his voice now.

There was silence between them for a long time before Maddy finally broke it, her voice dull and emotionless. "I trusted you. You're the only person I ever fully trusted. And that…that completely broke me."

Jonathan felt his heart rip into shreds. He knew his actions had been damaging – more than damaging – for each of them individually and for their potential future together, but hearing her utter that sentence almost broke him too. He was well aware of how difficult she found it to trust people, and he knew and understood why, so he'd taken very seriously the responsibility of being someone that she could and did trust. He recognised that it was an incredibly fragile thread, and now he knew for certain that he was the one who'd shattered it.

He couldn't stop the tears from starting to flow. "I'm sorry. I know that's not enough, but I am. I've never forgiven myself. It's unforgiveable."

He reached forward to take hold of her hand, needing to anchor himself and trying to offer comfort. She flinched away from him but on seeing the pain ravaging his face, she reconsidered and placed her hand tentatively back into his. The warm contact of his skin brought her back to herself and she too began to cry, tears leaking unbidden down her face.

"So you and she never…?"

He sighed. "You know me…once I'm in a situation I find it hard to get out of it. It carried on for a little while but it was over before it started. We never even slept together, if that's what you're asking. She went off and got married a few months later anyway."

Maddy looked shocked at this news, having always assumed the two of them had had a proper relationship. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Jonathan shrugged his shoulders and shook his head, unable to give her a respectable answer, because there wasn't one. "I wish there was anything I could say that would justify it. I was such a coward. And the more you distanced yourself from me, the more I thought it wouldn't matter anyway."

"So it was my fault?" she retorted with flint in her tone, removing her hand from his grasp.

"No. No. That's not what I meant." He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. "You did nothing wrong. You were protecting yourself. I was trying to rationalise what I'd done, why it wouldn't make a difference to tell you, because I was so disgusted with myself I couldn't bear to admit it. And as bloody usual, trying to rationalise feelings didn't work."

"So why are you telling me now?"

"Because I can't keep seeing you without telling you the truth. And…" he took a deep breath, "…I want to keep seeing you."

Maddy closed her eyes at his reply, not sure quite what he was saying, and too scared to ask. She knew she needed time to properly absorb the enormity of what he'd just told her, but she also knew that his interpretation of it didn't take into account the rest of their unresolved relationship at the time.

"Oh, Jonathan," she sighed, wiping away the tears on her cheeks. "Even if you had told me, we have no idea whether we'd have managed to sort ourselves out and actually ended up together. If it wasn't that kiss, it would more than likely have been something else that you or I did. The reality is that we needed something as extreme as that to stop being stuck in that endless cycle. Without it, god knows how long we would have continued on without any real decisions. And that would have probably ended just as badly. Then I still would have left."

He looked confused, never having given himself the forgiveness to allow for such a thought to have formed. He had squarely placed all the blame on himself for her having gone; he'd never thought it might have happened anyway.

She reasoned to herself that this might be the last time she would ever see him, so she decided to be honest, knowing how much the weight of not communicating properly had pressed on her for years. "I never knew where I stood with you. It felt like I wouldn't be enough. Or maybe that I'd be too much. I don't know…" she said quietly. "After all this time, I still don't know." She looked up at him. "And that was the problem, wasn't it?"

"What do you mean?" he said hoarsely.

"That neither of us could talk about what we felt. If we even knew."

Jonathan shook his head, frustration eking out of him from some deeply buried corner of his heart. "You know how terrible I am with women. I told you I had no idea how to read signals. And you always had an ulterior motive. There was always a mystery to solve, or something else going on. You never just wanted to see me."

"That's not remotely true and you know it. God, Jonathan. How do you think I felt? You never-" She had to bite her tongue to stop the instant reaction which was ready to spill out and potentially start an argument that could end this rekindled friendship before it even properly began again. And that was the last thing she wanted. She breathed out and stopped to take a moment to think before continuing, but he interrupted instead.

"You're right." I beat myself up for so long that I never took the initiative. You were this whirlwind who appeared in my life. You completely upended it. I'd never met anyone else like you…I still haven't," he smiled at her wryly. "And I didn't know how to deal with that."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"It was meant as one," he said without a hint of sarcasm.

She sighed, her anger dissipating, and hesitatingly continued. "I had such strong feelings for you so quickly, it scared me half to death. I didn't know how to deal with that either. I'd spent so much of my life not letting people get close and then there you were, getting far too close for comfort without even trying. You have to understand, everyone in my life that I'd ever…" she took a moment, not wanting to say 'loved' and searching for another appropriate term, "…cared about…they'd all left me. I couldn't…" Tears began to escape and she didn't allow herself to finish her train of thought because she knew that if she did, her emotions threatened to overwhelm her.

Jonathan ached for her and moved forward to sit next to her, pulling her into a hug and letting her cry, his own tears still falling.

After she'd calmed, he pulled back from their embrace. "I have a theory," he offered quietly.

"Of course you do," she said with a withering smile, red-rimmed eyes warily looking up at him.

He continued uncertainly. "My parents weren't around. Your Mum was gone, your Dad was never there in the first place, my brother was gone…we were both alone." He shrugged. "Maybe at the time we each felt like we needed our friendship more than anything else. And neither of us was brave enough to risk losing that."

"But then we lost both," she said defeatedly. "Much as I hate to admit it, you're not wrong. That was definitely part of it." They sat in silence for another minute before Maddy tentatively risked a question. "But what I've never understood is why you were like that. I mean…you had a good life, a good upbringing. Your brother dying must have been awful, but…" she trailed off, not quite knowing how to articulate what she wanted to say.

Jonathan, however, understood. "I was an awkward, curly-haired, smart-arse child who liked magic and hated sports. What do you think?"

An 'oh' formed on Maddy's lips. "You were bullied?" she asked softly.

"Relentlessly," he whispered, a lump in his throat.

It was so ingrained within Maddy's nature to pull back from emotion and bury everything away, and it was such unusual behaviour from Jonathan to reveal his innermost feelings that her first instinct was to bat it all away with a glib response. "Well, you're full of surprises this morning." But as she said it she realised she needed to dig deeper. "I'm sorry," she said sincerely. "I had no idea. Who was it? What did they do to you?"

Jonathan continued on, resigned; now that he'd started he found it easier to carry on. "Three local boys. You name it, they did it. Beat me up, broke my things, stuck my head down the toilet, stole my lunch, forbade anyone else from speaking to me…"

Maddy felt sick. "For how long?"

"As long as I can remember. And after Terry died…well, he wasn't there to protect me any more so it got even worse. And even more lonely." He took a moment, his memories taking him back to that awful time after his brother had passed away. Maddy took hold of his hand again, his words a stark reminder that it wasn't only poverty that could lead to a difficult childhood, which is what she'd often believed given her own experiences. She rubbed her thumb over his hand in comfort, trying to soothe the hurt away. "It got easier as I got older. But those feelings don't leave you, you know. It's hard enough believing someone likes you as a friend, let alone…" he looked over at her as the corner of his mouth tugged upwards into a wry smile, and gave a shrug. "And then I ballsed that up too."

Maddy spoke then with steel in her voice. "Tell me their names. I will hunt them down and make their lives a living hell."

He smiled through his distress. "You understand now, why your friendship was so important to me?"

She nodded, feeling so sad for him, not trusting herself to speak further. It was so obvious now that she thought about it. Even for a simple friendship it had taken her so long to batter down the barriers he'd had up. She'd thought he was being obtuse, not interested in pursuing anything – friendship or relationship - when in fact he hadn't really known how. And instead of trying to understand him, she'd taken it personally and put up her own walls in retaliation, not realising he'd been doing his best. The fact that he'd still been there at all was all she'd needed from him to prove his commitment to her, but she'd been unable to see that. It was enough to make her head spin.

Another question gnawed at Maddy and she blurted it out. "Apologies in advance if this is insensitive but…who was your best man?"

Jonathan gave a low chuckle. "My dad. He was who I wanted in place of Terry, who it would have been if he'd still been here. Besides, the thought of Adam hamming it up and telling stories about himself didn't really appeal." He thought some more and added quietly, "You're right though. It was a bit of a rude awakening…almost all my groomsmen ended up being from Polly's side. She had twelve bridesmaids. I couldn't keep up."

"Twelve?" repeated an astonished Maddy, building an immediate, not very complimentary picture of this woman she'd never met.

"I know," he said with an eyebrow raise. "Not quite the intimate gathering I'd suggested."

"You must have hated it," said Maddy without thinking, before realising what she'd said and trying to backtrack, eyes wide. "I mean…god, sorry…"

"It's ok. I did, mostly," he agreed. "I went along with it for her, and the actual ceremony part was fine, but I felt like an odd museum exhibit for most of the day, being pointed at and talked to by people I'd never met before."

Jonathan screwed up his face at the memory as silence filled the room.

"Let's talk about something else," said Maddy, recognising that he didn't want to dwell on that subject.

"Please."

"Well…" she sighed. "If we're being honest then I have something I have to tell you too. It's about Charlotte."

Jonathan looked at her blankly.

"Charlotte Carney," she continued, swallowing down her nerves. "I should have told you at the time but I couldn't deal with…well…I…she…" She stopped, trying to gather her thoughts, more nervous than she'd expected to be when she'd started to speak. She took a deep breath. "She liked you. Really liked you. When you went out with her when you were younger. But she never told you." Maddy looked nervously for a reaction from Jonathan but nothing was forthcoming; he was frozen on the spot, eyeing her warily, so she plowed on, filling up the silence. "She told me though, and I should have told you. But I couldn't." She looked guilty as all hell and then Jonathan responded in a way that she never would have expected: he began to laugh softly. She watched him curiously and finally said, "I don't understand."

"I know. Sorry," He took a moment to compose himself. "It's just ironic." He arranged his thoughts then began to explain. "First of all, she broke up with me, so I'm not sure why she would say that to you. But, regardless of that…I got back in touch with her a few weeks after everything with her family, to check in and make sure she was doing ok. I didn't tell you because…well…we both know why." Maddy had the decency to look contrite but she was also surprised and more than a little uncomfortable with this new knowledge. "We met up for coffee and at the end of it, we kissed. I was still angry with you and I was convinced you'd messed up my chance with her, so I was determined to fix it. But when I kissed her…" He shook his head at the memory, "…there was nothing there. I didn't feel anything for her. I realised I'd built it up so much in my head over the years that I hadn't stopped to think about whether I actually even still liked her like that."

Maddy was too shocked to say anything, the message not really computing that she'd spent all those years beating herself up about something that was a non-issue.

"And then," Jonathan continued, "she let me down gently – just like she had the first time around – and told me she wasn't interested either. And that was that."

"Well, I suppose that serves me right, doesn't it?" said Maddy, earning a puzzled reaction from Jonathan. "All that time feeling guilty for not telling you, when if I'd just been honest with you in the first place…"

A knock at the door interrupted them and Jonathan got up to answer it, to find a member of the housekeeping staff waiting to get in to clean the room; it was well past their check-out time. "Just give us five minutes and we'll be out of your way," he told her.

Maddy had meanwhile got up to finish packing, and was zipping up her case when Jonathan closed the door and came back to stand alongside her. She turned to him and took both his hands in hers, looking up at him. "Thank you for telling me…about Carla…and about…" she gestured towards where'd they'd been sitting on the bed, "…your childhood. It's going to take me some time to absorb it all." Then, in true Maddy fashion, Jonathan saw her bury her emotions away and continue on as if nothing had happened, "In the meantime, shall we put this conversation on the back burner and go and find some food before I fade away?"

He nodded, more grateful than he could say that she hadn't kicked him out of her room and vowed never to speak to him again. "One last thing, before we go," he said, keeping hold of her hands. She looked at him curiously, for a split-second thinking he was going to kiss her given the intensity of his gaze, but then he opened his mouth to speak again. "For what it's worth, you would have been enough. More than enough."

A lone tear made its escape down Maddy's cheek before she forced herself not to crumble in front of him. No longer able to meet his gaze, she pulled him into a hug and closed her eyes, pressing her cheek against his chest, trying not to think about exactly what his words could mean as his arms held her tightly. She exhaled a long, shaky breath before gathering herself back together and disentangling herself from his embrace, turning back to her bags and preparing to leave.

It wasn't until later that evening, when she'd got back home and put Sophie to bed, that Maddy allowed herself to collapse onto her own bed and sob into her pillow about all the morning's revelations.