Starco vs Parenthood Introduction - These chapters can be read separately but they are all connected. It's always the same Star & Marco, same kids, same world.
This starts 19 years after the Cleave. Star & Marco are 34, their daughter is 12 and son is 9.
Favs, reviews, and constructive feedback are all really helpful. Thanks!
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Chapter 29 - Lord of the Meats
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In a condo outside of Echo Creek our family of four is spending a Saturday morning preparing for their next road trip. Star walks out of her bedroom proud of the fact that she's the first one ready until she realizes that Marco has his bags by the front door having prepared the night before.
"-I'm Marco Diaz and I'm the kind of dork who gets ready way before it's actually time to go.-" After mocking her husband under her breath Star calls up the stairway to her children. "Hey Kids! Remember you're packing for a week and it can get cold up there!"
Their oldest steps out of her room as she calls back down. "But mom, you said we are only going to go for a few days this year."
"Pumpkin, it'll seem like a few days because of the food coma. We'll actually be there for five."
"Arrgh...I hate when we go on these dumb long trips."
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Twenty minutes later Star's son wears a smile on his face as he shows his mother the results of his 'packing'.
"Hun, I don't see a toothbrush and unless you plan on going commando you might want to pack some underwear."
"But it's the Johansen family. Grandpa said they're allergic to underwear."
"True...true. Fine, just don't tell your father."
As if on queue Marco walks out of the basement carrying a box filled with old DVDs and a player. "Don't tell me what?"
"Nothing. I'm just making sure your boy doesn't overheat while he's playing with all his second and third cousins. So what did you get them this year?"
"Avengers one through eight, the extra-extra long director's cut of The Hobbit, Games with More Thrones, some random anime, Harry Potter's Extended Family seasons one through twelve, Conan the Final Years, and to top it all off a special collectors edition of the Star Wars Christmas Special."
"Nice! Sounds like you found some real winners, they're going to love them." This was followed by Star giving her husband a quick kiss on the cheek.
Looking down from the second floor the oldest child stares at her father with a confused look. "Dad, why don't the Johansens just watch videos like everyone else does?"
"They're barbarians hun. They won't stream anything."
Star shot her husband a disapproving look. "Marco, we talked about NOT using that term!"
"Sorry, you're right. The Johansens are 'willfully ignorant'." As he corrected himself he gave his daughter a wink.
The comment almost got a smile out of the pre-teen but then she started thinking about the long drive. "If I didn't want to go could I stay with Aunty Janna? She said she doesn't have any plans this week and whenever we go to Meat-Fest it's always...I don't know...it always seems like too much meat."
Star moved her disapproving look from her husband to her daughter. "I'll have none of that attitude in this house young lady! Chicken might be a vegetarian dish at Johansen gatherings but whatever they offer, you're going to eat it with a smile."
Having put the box down on the sofa Marco placed a hand on his wife's shoulder making sure to have her full attention. "Star, every year they serve us assorted braised testicles. I get that these dishes are a big deal for your family but I know I'm not the only one who thinks that some of the food is gross."
Still holding his 'packed' bag their youngest feels compelled to give his opinion, "I don't know. I kinda like the weird meats they give us. It's like my mouth is going on an adventure. You never know what exactly is going to happen." The comment made Star smile. Marco and his daughter however turned toward each other and at the same time stuck out their tongues while pretending to put a finger down their throat. This of course was followed by them making fake gagging noises.
"Alright kids and my insufferable husband, there is an important reason why we go to Meat-Fest every year. Your father might have forgotten all the details but I, your wonderful and loving mother, will tell you the story of why this trip is so important."
"Yes, a story! I'll get the popcorn!" With that their youngest runs off to the kitchen.
"Star hun, can't I just go start loading the car?"
"Nope, get your butt on that sofa. Story time, chop-chop. You too pumpkin, come on down!"
The girl rolled her eyes and showed her dissatisfaction with the request by laying on the carpeted stairs so she can dramatically slide down each step one at a time. Once her brother is back with a bag of salty snacks the pre-teen girl plops herself on her father's lap just as the story begins.
"So, once upon a time..."
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The Johansens
Just a few months after the Cleave, a fifteen year old Star and sixteen year old Marco are spending their first Thanksgiving vacation as a couple in an area where the Sierra Nevada Mountains have merged with the Johansen Kingdom. However, instead of the Earth holiday they're feasting Mewni style. In a field with a majestic view of the valley below, a series of tables have been set up around which the Johansen family is stuffing their faces. In the center of the main table a young Star Butterfly is parked next to an anxious looking Marco Diaz.
"Psst. Hey Star, your family...your family is kind of weirding me out." The former knight pulled his hand away from the man next to him who had grabbed a finger and tried putting it in his mouth.
"Relax Marco, the Johansens love you almost as much as I do. I've been telling my aunts about all your karate moves and a few of my uncles still talk about your win at the Hill of Flags. Look, they like you so much they let you sit next to the braised meatballs. That's a big honor."
"I'm pretty sure those AREN'T meatballs Star and your uncle with the turkey legs in his ears keeps telling me about his knee pain. I'm pretty sure what he's describing is gout."
"Yeah, he used to eat with the corn in his ears but with it being a new world I think it's good that he's mixing it up."
"But this doesn't seem at all weird to you?"
"I don't know. It's less weird than humans who think the world is flat. I mean I know not everyone can fly up to the edge of space but come on, airplanes people."
"Okay true, but what about your great uncle with a set of dentures for a hand? That doesn't freak you out?"
"Nope. It just shows how advanced Mewni medicine is compared to what doctors have on Earth. This is all perfectly normal. Now be a good boyfriend and pass me some of those meats on a stick."
After handing over a few pieces that looked like beef the young man sits back and observes the craziness of thirty fur wearing adults pushing food into their mouths faster than a person should physically be able to chew. He's eyes eventually meet those of Star's father whose just finished letting out a huge echoing burp. "Marco my boy, you aren't stuffing your face. Is something wrong?"
"Hey River. No, nothing's wrong. I'm just taking a short break. This is all a bit more than I normally eat."
"Good play my boy, making sure to save room for that special dish I've prepared."
"It's not more mystery balls is it?"
"It's a bit of a secret but I'll fill you in since you're courting my daughter. I've taken a bear, placed an elk inside, placed a pig-goat inside of that, and then to add an Earth cleaving theme I've placed a turducken inside of that. Then to make it perfect I've been roasting it on logs made from the homes of our enemies."
"Wow, that sounds intense. What's it called?"
"An Appetizer."
"Yeah, I think I'm going to need a few more food breaks."
"Only if you must and make sure you're eating when Queen and King Johansen speak. It's very rude to not have a rib in your hand when they're addressing the table."
Turning back to his food, River grabs a lamb's leg with both hands before biting into it. As he watches Marco begins to wonder if his girlfriend will ever reach her dad's level of debauchery. Hearing a burp from the chair next to him he looks over and sees that she is holding a turkey leg and tearing into it with the exact same ferocity as her father.
He shakes his head in disgust before asking a question hoping that a conversation might block out the noise of all of the nearby chewing. "Hey Star, how exactly are you related to King and Queen Johansen? I know Brock is your cousin."
"Mhhmmhm...hmmh...maam."
"Star please. After you swallow."
"Sorry. So Queen Johansen is my dad's sister. I'm told she looked a lot like me when she was my age. What do you think, do you see the resemblance?"
While studying the barbarian queen at the far end of the table memories started popping up of Star's hair when it hasn't been brushed, the crazy look Star gets when she's angry or overtired, the expressions the former princess makes when she's kicking butt in a fight. He then wonders, is Queen Johansen similar to what Star might look like someday?
Marco tried to best to hide his nervousness. "Nope, don't see a resemblance Star. Totally don't see it. C-can we talk about something else?"
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The Human Problem
Half an hour later River proudly places his 'Appetizer' in front of his sister. This is followed by a cheer as everyone begins pulling off pieces of flesh with their bare hands, or in the queen's case her 'bear' hands. For a few seconds the crowd is silent with every mouth occupied by the meal's tenth course. It is at that moment when King Johansen stands up to address the Butterfly's Junior Ambassador as well as the rest of his family.
"Star Butterfly, Cleaver of Worlds, it has been months since we've last been bruised by your hugs! The queen and I have called you to our feast to get updates on the outside world. True to our word, the kingdom has 'laid low' as you requested and limited our contact with humans. So far we've only talked to those traveling the nearby roads, the people in horseless white carts that deliver strangely folded paper, and a man named Leonard who lives in that human house next to the castle. But now our people grow bored and there is nothing so evil as boredom. To end this, in the morning the kingdom shall be forming a raiding party. Our plan is to pillage some of the towns filled with those stupid humans!"
With that there was a great cheer that not only involved yelling, but also cups being smashed and meat tossed in the air. Star and Marco however just sat there looking wide eyed at each other. "Hey everybody! No need for the long title, just Star is fine. So, I want to start by saying thank you for the invitation and thank you for all the food. I know Marco here considers it an honor to be sat right next to the braised meatballs. For updates from the outside world...yeah...well...my mom and Eclipsa have been spending a lot of time talking with the Kingdoms of California and America..."
Marco interrupted his girlfriend with a whisper. "...kingdoms? Really?"
"...shush, do you want to be the one doing the talking right now?" After lightly kicking his shin for interrupting she goes back to addressing the crowd. "So yeah, they've been talking to the other Earth and Mewni kingdoms and it was decided that there would be no raiding or pillaging of human, mewman, or monster settlements."
The crowd responded with loud boos and the tossing of a chair that Star had to duck under.
"For now! Just for now! Things might change!"
"Tell us Cleaver of Worlds, why exactly was this decided? There is nothing to fear from these annoying humans. Their towns have no walls, they don't carry spears, they wear reflective clothes that make it easy to see them at night, total losers if you ask me. I'd say that they're dumber than rocks. Not your little cousin Rocks but actual, you know, rocks."
"Good question, why not raid the humans...well...oh I know why, guns! Humans have these really good guns. They don't just go pew pew like the few you might have seen on Mewni. Instead they go rat-tat-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata." While Star reenacted shooting a machine gun from the hip her uncles, aunts, and cousins all looked at each other confused. "So yeah, it's way too dangerous to raid the humans. You're better off befriending and trading goods with them just like you used to do with the kingdoms back when the world was just Mewni. Plus not all humans are dumb, take Marco here. He's really smart and brave a-and you should see what he's going to look like when his abs come in."
"We'd like to believe you, Star Cleaver of Worlds, but the boy has insulted us by not eating a single braised testicle. We raid in the morning and our first stop will be a magical kingdom called 'Vegas'. The male-man, who is not always a male, brought us papers telling great tales of the place. There are riches to be won on every street corner, human temples we can all sleep in, and what makes it even better...there are all-you-can-eat buffets as far as the eye can see! These dumb humans do not deserve riches such as these, we shall feast on Vegas!"
"Okay. You have a good plan, definitely a good plan. But Eclipsa and mom have been dealing with the government for months now and we all know the Butterfly queen always speaks for the other kingdoms of Mewni."
"That is how it WAS young cleaver. That was before Butterfly Magic was destroyed and they let their kingdom's army fall into ruin. Your queens no longer have power over us. The Butterfly Kingdom is still our greatest ally and we shall defend them to the end. However, this is a new world and it is time for new leaders to speak on behalf of Mewmanity. And these new leaders, they shall take their peoples to Vegas!"
The crowd cheers at these words with everyone, including River, chanting. "VEGAS! VEGAS!"
Marco leaned in close to his bestie so they could hear each other over the shouting. "Star, what are we going to do about this?"
"I don't know. Do you think you can eat a tray of those meat...balls? That might impress them."
"I think we need a better plan than hoping I can stomach my own weight in cooked animal testicals."
"Right-right-right, you couldn't even eat fifty tacos. Wait, I got it!" Jumping up onto the table, Star kicks over a tray of chicken wings to get everyone's attention. "Johansens! I agree with you. I've lived amongst these humans for two years now and most of them are soft bellied idiots. They park in the driveway, they drive in the parkway. Their cat burglars are not and do not steal actual cats. Even their hamburgers don't have ham in them."
"Star, I really hope you're going somewhere with this."
"BUT, I'll show you that those towns shouldn't be raided. I present to you Marco Diaz, a human who will prove to you that they are both dangerous and worthy of your respect. He might not look like much right now..."
"Really Star?"
"..., and he may be allergic to meat...'balls', but he's defeated countless enemies with just his bare hands. On top of that he's mastered the arts of cooking and psychology. That last one is like karate...-for the mind-!"
King Johansen jumped on his chair so as not to be outdone by the table standing blond teenager. "Then we shall test your Marco and see if he can prove that these humans deserve to keep their all-night all-you-can-eat restaurants!"
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With the warriors all scrambling to prepare an area for combat Marco pulls his girlfriend aside for a quick talk.
"Star, this is a bad idea. I really don't want to fight your family."
"Marco, you'll be fine. I talked to my dad and they're going to give you three tests. You just need to impress them enough to show that humans shouldn't have their food taken away. The first test is a fight but I'm not sure about the others yet, not that you should need any other tests. This should be super easy for a karate boy like you."
The young man sighs as he looks over to see the horse bodied Lump Johansen digging his hooves into the group. "Great, your weird uncle who had his body cut off. Star, you know I'm not as good at fighting horses as I am at fighting things with two legs. I still have nightmares about that dark millhorse stabbing me."
"Marco, relax. You flipped a horse, remember? What's he going to do to you anyway, he doesn't even have hands. Oh remember, we don't have the magic needed to put his head back on his horse body so take it easy on him."
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Five minutes later Marco is being sat on by the backside of Lump's horse body forcing Star's former squire to tap out. With his head down the boy walks over to his girlfriend looking dejected.
"Yeah, that didn't go how I expected. Are you okay?"
"Horseshoe kicks hurt a lot more than I remember but I'll be fine. Sorry I couldn't take him. Karate wasn't really developed for fighting four legged creatures and when I went to flip him he didn't have any horn to grab onto, I just slipped off his nose. I mean, I could have gone all out but then I was afraid I'd pop his head right off."
"It's okay, I'm just glad you didn't get hurt. Listen, the next test is making them something to eat. I told them all about your super awesome nachos and their grabbing the ingredients. Just make it the same way you always do and you'll blow them away."
"I don't know Star, do they even have an oven? I'm not sure I can get the temperature right over an open fire."
"Marco hun. Nachos are in your blood, two triangle chips in and the Johansens will be eating out of your hand."
"I really hope you mean that as a metaphor."
"No, they don't like using plates. You literally should feed them right out of your hands."
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Twenty minutes later an angry group of Johansens are tossing a tray of nachos into the fire, thoroughly dissatisfied with the taste.
"Marco! Are you trying to start a war between Earth and Mewni?! Those made my brownies taste good."
"No avocados, no jalapenos, and they only had pig-goat cheese! And instead of cumin they just gave me ground up bones!"
"Yeah, Johansens put the bones of their enemies into all their dishes."
"Anyway, I'm really sorry I disappointed you."
"Marco, y-you didn't disappoint me. I know you're doing the best you can. I'm just worried because the fate of every human owned restaurant in a two hundred mile radius is hanging in the balance here."
"So what's the last test? Carry a boulder up a mountain? Brush Queen Johansen's hair out without hurting her?"
"You have to entertain them. Tell a story maybe? Just don't sing any Love Sentence songs, they're only into -country music-."
Marco shook his head in disgust. "Wow, total barbarians."
"Yeah, it's hard to believe that I'm even related to these people. You'd think we'd like to listen to the same kind of stuff."
"Hmm...like the same kind of stuff...that's it! I know how to pass the test!"
"How?"
"We're going to bring out the big guns. Time to go visit their neighbor and hope he can help."
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An hour later thirty Johansens are sitting on the sofa and floor of Leonard's living room while Marco stands in front of a 65" HDTV.
"Before we start I want to say thank you to Mr. Leonard for letting us use his entertainment center. Now, what I am about to show you is six hours of human storytelling. For over a hundred years humans have been creating stories like this and if I hear about your kingdom causing any war with humanity, raiding Vegas casinos, or pillaging even a single food truck, I'll personally make sure that these are the last Earth movies you'll see. Everyone understand?"
The rabble all nodded their heads while a few began passing around bowls of popped-meat.
"Alright Star, press play."
With that the Lord of the Rings movie marathon began. The two teens, knowing that the test would be passed, snuggle together in a beanbag chair while the rest of the room is hypnotized by scenes of hobbits, orcs, and many many battles.
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Back in the present Star and Marco's youngest has just about reached the bottom of his popcorn bag.
"Afterward it was declared that your father had to go back every year for Meat-Fest. The deal is that they provide the meat while he provides the entertainment. This is just one example of the many ways your father and I have made this great big planet of ours a better place for every restaurant this side of the Mississ-hippy."
The oldest looked up at her father. "Dad, can you please just show them how to stream movies so we can stay home?"
"Sorry pumpkin, 'willfully ignorant'."
With his salty snack bag finally empty an innocent question popped out of their youngest. "On the way there can we stop at a Chinese buffet? All this talk about meat has kinda made me hungry."
With that Marco and his daughter fill the room with groans until Star sends the kids off to finish packing.
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This was my entry for the r/StarVStheForcesofEvil, November 2021 Writing Contest. The subject for this contest was Feast. Normally for these contests I have some sort of idea that I've been sitting on that kind of fits the topic. This time, I had nothing. These are all ideas that popped into my head over the weekend and since I've been busy I didn't get to do all the usual editing that I normally do. Hopefully this half-cooked mess was worth the read. - Olin