Chapter 4
The next morning Buffy sat on the edge of the tub in the locked bathroom staring at three different pregnancy tests. The selection at the drug store had been daunting and they all claimed to be 99% accurate— What about that 1%???
So she bought three. Took three different tests and figured she would just be overly cautious.
She kept looking at her watch and wished she had just brought the kitchen timer into the bathroom with her.
Nope, not time yet, you're not peeking until the time is up…
The minute hand crept along until finally— times up.
She went over to the sink where she had left them and looked them over carefully. Three very distinct results on three different pregnancy tests stared back at her. They were all in agreement.
Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant.
She was definitely pregnant.
With Spike's baby…
Buffy went back to her room, shaken.
I'm going to be a mommy… oh my God… what do I do? What do I tell… well, everyone? Am I actually going to do this? I don't even have a job… What about Dawn? What am I going to do?
The thought made her shiver. Pregnant. She was pregnant with Spike's baby. It was true that she had been feeling drawn to him and a friendship had been established between them but an actual relationship?
Can I even be a mother? What about— Spike— what if he wants nothing to do with the baby? What if he doesn't believe me? What if— what if he does—
A baby was definitely not on her priority list right now. She needed to find a steady job to support the teenager she was already raising.
What am I going to do with a baby? How am I supposed to do any of this? What if this happened for a reason? There was a time when I wanted to be a mom, but I just—- Do Slayers even have kids? Would the baby have slayer powers or vampire powers?
She shook her head trying to organize her spiraling thoughts.
Probably a "no" on the vampire powers— considering the circumstances of the— erm conception. If Spike's body was brought back to life he wouldn't be a vampire anymore so our child definitely won't have any vampiric traits either. Right?
Our child... Oh that really makes my head hurt. I really need to talk to Spike…
Spike sat propped up on the pillows reading before going to bed, when he heard the door open above. "Bloody hell, can't a bloke get some sleep?" He hauled himself out of bed and pulled on the pair of jeans he had thrown on the floor earlier, just as Buffy was coming down the ladder to his room.
"Buffy? What are you doing here? Sun's barely up, I was just going to bed."
She chewed her lip nervously, "I'm sorry. I just— I really need to talk to you. It's really important." She bit her lip a little harder as she took in his bare chest.
Spike frowned. "What do you need?"
She took a deep breath. "Can you put a shirt on?"
He cocked an eyebrow. "Bit distracted?"
"Spike," she warned.
He snorted and picked up a discarded t-shirt, making a show of pulling it on. He shrugged moodily. "Better?"
She nodded.
"Do you remember the night I died?"
He sat down on the edge of the bed and gestured for her to do the same. "Rings a bell. Why? You hear something about Glory? Is Dawn alright?"
"No, no, it's nothing like that. Dawn is fine," she swallowed nervously, playing with the hem of her shirt, "you eh— remember what we did before?"
He raised his eyebrows a little. "You mean that of which we do not speak?"
She nodded silently and shifted in her spot on the bed.
"In vivid glorious detail, Luv." He murmured, biting his lip.
The way he was looking at her suddenly made her wish she didn't have so many clothes on— Bad Buffy!!! Stay on course! Do not think about sex with Spike— would be easier if this whole conversation wasn't about to hinge on that fact— Oh God I'm so screwed…
"Yeah well it's about that—" she trailed off.
"If you're looking for an encore I'd be happy to oblige, but something tells me that's not why you're here."
She shook her head. "No, it's not. I mean it was great. Amazing really… just— oh God—"
"Are you going to say it or do we have to play a guessing game?"
She swallowed, clenching her hands and looking down at her lap, "Please don't joke right now. I have something really important to tell you and I'm seriously wigged out."
He furrowed his brow, "What is it, Slayer?"
Tears stung in her eyes and she squeezed them shut before looking back up at him, "That's just it, Spike. I'm afraid of what you're going to say."
"Me? You can tell me anything, thought we established that."
She took a deep breath. Here goes nothing—
"I'm pregnant."
He watched her unmoving for a long moment. His face was an emotionless mask, he blinked once, "Alright and you're telling me because we're such close chums?"
He stood up suddenly, going over to get a drink, "Can see why you were afraid to tell me— Didn't even know Finn had been back in town…" he trailed off taking a long drink.
"He's not. I mean I haven't seen him since we broke up."
He clenched his jaw and felt something pop. He struggled to keep the crack from his voice. "New boyfriend I don't know about?"
"No."
That cut through him like a knife and he felt his anger flare. He poured another drink and downed it. "Why tell me at all then? You were that hard up for a meaningless shag and you couldn't have even come to me? I was good enough for you once but no, got to go find some other hapless bloke."
"It wasn't like that!" She yelled.
"Oh no? This new guy your boyfriend then?"
"No but I'm really beginning to think that he's not only an idiot but also a major league asshole since he's getting super pissed at me for something I didn't do!"
"Have you gone mad? What the hell are you talking about? You've completely lost me."
"You! You idiot! I'm telling you because it's yours!"
His face fell and he sank back down onto the bed next to her, "Buffy, I hate to point this out but that's just not possible. I wish it were, I do, but I can't exactly procreate."
"You are literally the only possibility. You're the only one I've been with since Riley. There's no new boyfriend and definitely no one nighters… except for— the one you were there for—"
His voice softened a little. "Buffy, sweetheart, I'm dead. Not to be an insensitive ass, but dead sort of means dead all over."
"So was I...," she paused, taking a breath to steal her nerves, she needed to explain herself better. "I talked to Tara and— I didn't tell her about this or us or— but I did ask her questions about how I was brought back. Spike, look at me."
He did.
"The spell revived all the dead cells in my body—" she paused, waiting for a response, "All of them. Mine and— humm, not mine…"
He blinked at her several times, "Hang on… wait what? Are you saying that when they brought you back, the witch brought back my stagnant-swimmers too?"
"Yeah that's exactly what I'm telling you."
He blinked at her a few more times and turned away looking at the wall, "Bloody hell," he whispered. It was like a wall had suddenly slammed against him.
"Okay, I can't tell if that's a good or a bad reaction here."
He turned back looking at her blankly, "You're sure? You're definitely pregnant? And I'm the only possibility?"
She nodded and twisted around to pull her messenger bag towards her. She flipped it open, pulling out the pregnancy tests and handed them over to him. "Three out of three agree— definitely pregnant. And yeah, unless this thing is some mystical cosmic whammy then yeah, it's definitely yours."
He looked them over. "Still a mystical cosmic whammy in any case ain't it?" He said numbly as he set them back down next to her and got up to pour himself another drink.
"Spike?"
"Just processing, Luv. Never considered the possibility of fatherhood after I was turned. It's a bit to take in."
He said "fatherhood"… he didn't freak out or demand I get rid of it… he said "fatherhood".
"Does that mean you want me to have the baby?"
He looked stunned, "I— you don't?"
"I didn't say that. I'm asking you if you want this baby. Do you want to be a dad?"
When he had been alive it had been expected of him, but beyond that he had rather liked the idea of getting married and having a bunch of kids. Those plans never did work out of course. The idea of being a father now seemed almost laughable and yet he couldn't think of anything he wanted more. Except her. He definitely wanted her.
What if I can have both? A family— with Buffy?
It seemed too good to be true.
He turned back to her and sat down a little closer this time. "With you as the mum? Course I do. Wanted kids when I was alive. Never crossed my mind that I'd ever have a chance to be a dad. So yeah, Buffy, I do."
She raised an eyebrow, "You do?"
He took her hand in his, caressing the back of her knuckle with his thumb, "It's half of you, Buffy. Hell, even if it wasn't mine I'd play daddy if you asked me to. The fact that it is mine is just an added bonus. Course I want the baby. The question is, do you?"
What if she doesn't? What if she doesn't want me the way I want her? What if I'm a shit dad? What if I bollocks this up?
"I need a job. A real job with crazy things like benefits and healthcare."
A lump formed in his throat and he swallowed it down, "Does that mean you do?"
"I think I do, but I need to be practical too. I need to find a way to take care of Dawn and the house before I can really think about this baby." She moved her free hand to her stomach and he watched as she absently rubbed her lower abdomen in a small circle.
"Kid has two parents, right?"
She eyed him critically, "Are you going to get a job?"
"Could. If that's what it takes to show you I'm serious about being father material then yeah. That's exactly what I'll do."
"Where?"
"Bouncers at the Bronze keep getting bumped off, could try there, or Willy's, a couple of other haunts I could try too."
"How's that supposed to work with humans?"
He frowned at that, "Good point. Don't fancy getting migraines every time someone gets rambunctious. I'll figure something out, pet."
"And me? Who's going to hire a pregnant chick?"
"Still early. I did ask around, like I said I would. There's one that sounds promising but I want to scope it out before I say anything about it and then a buddy of mine's bird works in the mayor's office. Might be able to find something for you that way."
"You still have friends we haven't killed, yet?"
Spike leaned down to Buffy's stomach, "Your mum is a very funny girl."
Buffy gave him a dubious smile, "What are you doing?"
"Having a chat with my kid, what's it look like?"
Buffy pulled his face up to her, "You're serious about this?"
"Like a stake to the heart."
The action made her want to kiss him. She even pulled him towards her a little, but stopped short and moved back from him suddenly, "I— I'm sorry!"
"What for?"
She stammered, wide eyed, "I— I don't know— I was just—"
"About to kiss me?"
"I— I don't know what I'm doing…"
"That's a lie and we both know it. There's something here. You feel it, I know you do. You invited me into your bed Buffy, not the other way round."
"Well yeah but I didn't think anything like this was going to happen!"
"No, but it did. It's ours, Buffy. Yours and mine. I meant it when I said I love you," he shook his head, "I know you don't love me, but there is something between us. I know you feel something. This kid is undeniable proof of that, Slayer. Hate to break it to you but it's all going to have to come out eventually."
She stood up suddenly, "I should get out of here, I should—"
"Buffy, please, don't go. Stay with me."
She shook her head, she almost felt like crying. This wasn't the reaction she had been expecting. The argument had made more sense. Now he was being sweet and supportive and— and she was going to have to tell her friends she was pregnant with his baby…
"I think I just need some time to think."
"Buffy?"
"I can't just jump into a relationship with you— you're—"
"A monster. Yeah. I'm also the father of your child and by hell if I'm not going to be there for you and the kid."
She turned her head to the side, "I didn't mean it like that."
"Yes, you did." He got up and started to pace.
"I don't know what any of this means."
He stopped his pacing, holding his hands out and to the sides, palms up. "It's not complicated. I like you, you like me and that's my baby you're carrying around in there. It's pretty clear we're meant to be together."
Buffy shook her head, "You can't know that."
"I do. You know I'm right about this. You just don't want to admit it to yourself. I'd even go so far as to say you don't want to admit it because you're afraid of what it means about you," he stated.
Buffy's eyebrow furrowed, watching desperate energy rippling through him. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"You're stuck on the whole soul having thing because of sodding Angel and his split personality problem. You know why Angelus wanted you to suffer so much? Do you want to know? Do you? Because I know the reason. I know because the git told me."
She turned away from him. It had been hard enough to live it. Especially since her post-death meeting with Angel hadn't gone well either. Her feelings for him had all but evaporated over time but it still hurt to think about him. She didn't want to hear this. Tears stung her eyes, "Please don't—"
"No. I really think you need to hear this. He hated you— Hated you for making him feel like a man, for bringing out his humanity. Making him feel love. You made him feel and he hated you for it! Then he's all soul-having again and pretends like he doesn't remember a damn thing! It's bollocks! Complete and utter rubbish!" He suddenly turned towards the wall and punched it.
"Stop it! Oh my God!! Why are you doing this?!"
He pulled his hand back examining freshly split knuckles as he flexed his hand. "Why? Because you need to know. I might not have a soul but I still love you. It doesn't matter if you believe me or not, it doesn't change the fact that I can and do love you." He paused looking at his hand again and turned towards her. His voice was deadly quiet when he spoke again, "All of you. Your light and your dark. I love your heart, your spirit— In case it has escaped your notice, I'm not him— Soul or not, I love you… I'm not him— ."