Beta'd and edited by The Grand Cogitator and Tabasco
Commissioned by shaderic
"No, absolutely not!" Kazuma said, jerking upright at the table even as the kaiju alarm continued to blare. "I refuse!"
Megumin perked right up, and began to cackle as she jumped up on the table and struck a pose, proclaiming her might. Aqua began to cry and run around like a chicken with her head cut off, while Kazuma continued to insist that there was no way he was doing this.
After a bit of panting and moaning, Darkness closed her eyes and stood up. "As an Insurance Adjuster for Belzerg Mutual Insurance, it is my duty to defend the people of this town, and their property! And, as vassals of House Dustiness, it is your duty to aid me in battle against this foe!"
Fortunately for Darkness, only Chris really heard what she said, so the silver haired woman leaned in closer from where she was sitting. "Don't you mean as employees of Belzerg Mutual Insurance?"
Darkness paled slightly. "Um, yes…that is what I meant! Ha, ha, I, um I read a great deal of knightly romances when I was younger, and-"
"It's OK, I actually read all the fine print, I know what I signed up for even if the rest don't," Chris said with a wink.
That made Darkness look around with a panicked expression on her face. "Then, um, you know…please don't tell the others…"
"It's their fault for not reading the fine print," Chris said with a shrug. "Now, are we going to get out there and kick some kaiju ass or what?"
"Yes! Yes we shall!" Darkness slammed the table with her fists, causing it to rattle and knocking Megumin flat on her rear. "Listen up! We are the shields of the people we are House, um Belzerg Mutual! And we shall not let these monsters defeat us! Now, to the hanger! Let us ride forth to victory!"
"I just said that I'm not-" Kazuma began, then Chris coughed.
"Why, Darkness, you mean you'll be in your own mecha? All alone in that cockpit?"
"I…yes, of course. I do not have a two seater, as mine um, well…it does not have any ranged weapons," Darkness admitted.
Chris gave Kazuma a flat look. "So you're just going to let this poor girl ride to battle, totally unmolested?"
Kazuma blushed, and Megumin looked up, glaring at Kazuma. "Kazuma, don't you dare sully another maiden!"
"Oh relax I'll only do it if we're in trouble! Maybe I'll just fuse with you again you pervy little freak!" Kazuma snapped.
"Um, I only have one mecha ready, we shall need to prepare others," Darkness admitted.
"Great. Well, I have mine. Aqua, you figure out how to build and upgrade mecha for Chris and Megumin," Kazuma said.
"Damn, not one for me too? And here I was hoping to fuse with Kazuma again," Chris teased. When Kazuma blushed, she slapped him on the back. "Oh relax, go have fun. I'm sure Darkness will too."
Kazuma looked at Chris, then at Darkness. And all of Darkness. There was a lot of Darkness to see. "You really do have an overly lewd body, you know that, right?"
Darkness hugged herself and blushed. "A-are you going to hurl imprecations at me, or gird yourself for battle?"
"I'd rather stay home and take a nap," Kazuma sighed, then shrugged. "But let's do it anyway."
The mecha hanger turned out to be built into the underside of the BMI building. The exit came out on the underside of the hill the building stood on, and had room for half a dozen mecha and support vehicles. At the moment, the only things in there were Darkness' power armor, Kazuma's Laagan, and a large, shiny new full sized mecha.
"That is my armor, the LA-X2-T1N4," Darkness said proudly, pointing to the mecha. It was about 18 meters tall, and had a black body with heavy yellow plate armor mounted on top, with the rear armor coming down towards the legs in a sort of metal skirt, and a long silvery cape fashioned to look as though it was a feather mantle.. Unlike Darkness' power armor, this mercifully had a weapon in the form of a huge two handed sword strapped to the mecha's back.
"It looks a bit…overdesigned, don't you think?" Kazuma asked Darkness as they hurried towards their respective vehicles.
"I was assured by the forgemasters of the Kono Ironworks that she is of the finest materials, and is the most durable mecha they have ever produced," Darkness told Kazuma.
"Why'd they make something so good for some rando insurance adjuster?" Kazuma asked suspiciously.
"That's um, because…I-I personally assessed the Kono Ironworks for their insurance rates! S-so they gave me a very good deal! Anyway, let's launch! We have Kaiju to fight!" Darkness ordered. She did, however, pause when saw Kazuma climb into his Laagan. "Um, I do not mean to be rude, but, ah, does that mech grow, by chance? Or is that all there is to it?"
"Oh you would ask if I'm a shower or a grower," Kazuma said with a shake of his head. "Don't worry, honey, you'll find out just how big I am shortly. Come on."
"Er, alright. I think I may need to carry you into battle," Darkness said, strapping herself into her own cockpit.
"What?! No! Don't do that, I don't need you to-"
But it was too late. Darkness picked up the Laagan, which fit nicely into her mecha's hand, and launched herself from the mecha bay, running full tilt towards a rising dust cloud to the East.
"There, now nothing shall hold us back from the foe!" Darkness said, her voice booming from the mecha's speakers and giving Kazuma a crushing headache.
"Not so LOUD! I'm right here!" he complained. He sat back in his mini-mecha, sulking at the thought of being carried into battle by another person.
"Oh, don't pout, Kazuma!" Darkness said in a whisper that was only mildly deafening. "Look! It's a pair of Matterhorns!"
Kazuma blinked, and beheld what looked at first like two mountains battling it out on the outskirts of town. Both shapes were vaguely pyramid shaped, though they were also about the size of the Great Pyramid at Giza. Instead of smoothly shaped sides though, theirs were rough, with craggy peaks and a snow capped peak at the top. However, closer inspection showed that they both had rocky legs, a swishing tail that looked a bit like a glacier, and a bull-like head with rocky horns coming up off the brow.
As Kazuma watched, both of the mountainous beasts backed off, then charged one another. Their collision was enough to shake the ground and caused several nearby buildings to topple from the aftershocks as the great beasts bellowed.
"Ok, that's not the Disney Ride," Kazuma muttered. Then he blinked. "Wait, we're going to fight THOSE?! They're the size of MOUNTAINS! We're like, a tenth of their size!"
"Matterhorns are some of the largest and fiercest of Kaiju! The unusual rain must have awakened them early, and caused them to wander about confused, looking for their territory!" Darkness panted, her voice thunderous and breathy at the same time. "These two cruel males must have wandered across one another and are competing to prove who is the toughest! My mecha is rated for Class S Kaiju, and these are mere Class As! I can easily take whatever they have to dish out, even if it involves throwing me about and cruelly battering me for days on end, until their virile energy is expended and-"
"Yeah, nope. FUSING!" Kazuma said, and slammed the Big Button That Does Stuff on his panel. Once more, his mecha twisted and warped about him as it merged with the other machine, and he found himself in a large cockpit with leather and latex surfaces all round.
He himself was strapped down on some sort of rack that looked like a torture device, and his jumpsuit had gotten much larger and springier. He blinked, and looked up to see a blushing Darkness in what could only be described as dominatrix gear blinking down at him.
"Wait, hold on, that's not how this is supposed to work!" Kazuma wailed, trying and failing to strain against his restraints. Perched right over his junk was a control yoke, which had an unfortunate design that looked WAY too much like the sort of kinky toys you'd see in a…wait a moment…
"DARKNESS YOU PERVERT WHY AM I TRAPPED IN YOUR DEGENERATE SEX DUNGEON!" Kazuma raged.
"I, I…m-my mecha doesn't normally look like this!" Darkness gasped, looking about wildly and blushing. "I, I have never seen, though I have often greatly desired to have…b-but I always imagined it would be ME tied down and forced to do…oh, oh the humiliation is too great!" Darkness began to moan and shiver, her latex bodysuit doing very interesting things.
"Yo, Darkness, Kazuma, I see you fused. Your mecha's stopped though, what gives?" Aqua's voice suddenly said over the radio.
"Yeah, show us what's happening," Chris insisted. "We'll be your eyes in the sky for this mission. We've already deployed a couple of drones to monitor the situation.
"No! No, you can't look!" Darkness wailed, suddenly trying to cover herself with her hands. There was little point: her black bodysuit was entirely modest, though it did leave very little to the imagination as far as showing off every curve. Kazuma had to admit she looked good in it, but that wasn't what was on his mind.
"Whatever you do, don't turn that main screen on!" Kazuma cried, desperate to preserve his dignity.
Unfortunately, the main screen was voice activated, and Kazuma had just told it what to do. The left and right sides of the mecha resolved into images of Chris and Aqua respectively, who were peering intently at their own monitors. Upon seeing what the fusion had turned Darkness' mecha into, Chris fell out of her chair laughing, while Aqua looked vaguely confused.
"Why's your mecha look all funny? It's not very pretty. I could design you something much better," Aqua said, wrinkling her nose. Then she glanced at the floor, where Chris was quite literally rolling around in hysterics. "What? What's so funny?"
"Bless your sweet innocent soul, Aqua. This is why you've never had a boyfriend," Chris hiccuped, wiping away tears from her eyes.
"Hmph. Boys are icky anyway," Aqua grumbled, folding her arms over her chest. "Look, are you two going to fight the kaiju or not?"
"NOT!" Kazuma shrieked at the same time as Darkness suddenly stopped playing coy and stood up straight.
"It is my sworn duty as the Heir of Dustiness to defend this city! I will take up my sword, and defend these lands!" Darkness declared.
"No, wait, don't don't don't AAHHHH!" Kazuma screamed, as Darkness very firmly put both hands on the bright pink joystick that looked very suspiciously like something else. He let out a soft groan as she pressed it forward, her other hand moving the speed to full.
"Um, i-is that your real, um? I-I have only seen pictures, my, ah, education was not very thorough in that matter, s-save for what a bride is expected to do on her wedding night, and that was not very clear…" Darkness stammered.
"No, it's just the implications," Kazuma groaned. "Plus, you know, THE FACT THAT YOU'RE CLOSING ON THOSE KAIJU AT 1000 KPH!"
"That can't be right, that exceeds the top speed of-" Darkness began, then screamed as the T1N4 slammed full tilt into the side of one of the Matterhorns in a very ungraceful tackle.
"YOU DUMBASS, THE FUSION UPGRADES THE SYSTEMS!" Kazuma raged. "And I can FEEL that! Get up and start fighting like a warrior! Use your sword! We've got wings and thrusters now, so you can fly!"
Darkness shook her head, grinning happily at the jarring impact. "We do? How do I- ah, is it this button?"
"AAAEIIIIIIIIIIII!" Kazuma screamed as the T1N4's new wings tried to unfold, and the thrusters sent them spinning off of the Matterhorn. They were airborne for several seconds, before crashing headfirst into the other kaiju, completely out of control.
"OW! SON OF A BITCH! I FEEL LIKE I LOST A TOOTH!" Kazuma wailed. "Dammit, Darkness! GET IT TOGETHER!"
Darkness, however, was panting and moaning, clearly enjoying herself. She'd managed to knock off the Matterhorn that the mecha had crashed on, but the big kaiju was already shaking itself off and getting back to its feet.
"W-we must continue our assault, it is working!" Darkness gasped. She got to her own feet, then stepped back, flinging out her cape, which was, for some unexplained reason, now red. "Come at me, you worthless scum! Ole!"
"How do you know what bullfighting is?!" Kazuma demanded angrily. "And knock it off! We're twice the size we used to be, but we're still puny compared to those behemoths! There's no way in hell you can-" the upright Matterhorn turned from its downed companion and snorted, stomping the ground and bellowing.
"Darkness, Darkness, you need to move," Kazuma babbled as she swirled her cape and set her feet. "No, Darkness, this is a bad idea, physics doesn't work like that-" The kaiju roared and charged, breathing out avalanches from its nostrils. "DARKNESS PLEASE JUST USE THE SWORD NOT-"
The kaiju plowed into the Tina, Kazuma to whimper in pain and Darkness to moan in pleasure. Somehow, she'd caught the bull by the literal horns, straining as her mecha was pushed back.
"All systems are at maximum strain! Dammit, Darkness, you might not feel it but I can! We're going to pull a muscle or whatever and that thing is going to KILL us!" Kazuma babbled.
"To use one's body as a shield, is the ultimate service of a Knight of House Dustiness!" Darkness grunted. She roared and stepped forward, twisting as the bull tried to charge again. She used the creature's momentum against it, spinning it about in the air. Darkness managed to grab it by the neck, then body slam it down to the ground.
"Owwww," Kazuma moaned as Darkness managed to get the mecha to stagger back to its feet. "Please, please just use the sword on the next one…"
The other Matterhorn was back on its feet, standing upright with its head cocked to one side, apparently not sure what was going on.
"I will face this last beast as a true knight would," Darkness gasped, and reached to her back. She pulled out her now truly gargantuan two handed sword, raising it in one metal hand. Somehow, the sword unfolded, growing even longer as the guard extended. Now the thing was over 50 meters long, and glowed with internal fires. The sun gleamed off of the mecha's helmet, which was shaped like a hawk's head, the feather mantle of the cape having become long bird-like wings.
The other Matterhorn bellowed, then broke into a charge, lowering its head so that the tines of its horns pointed right at Darkness. Despite her mecha being less than half as tall as the bull, she gave an answering warcry and rushed forward herself, raising her sword to strike.
At the last moment, Kazuma somehow managed to jerk the mecha to the side so he wasn't impaled on the horns as Darkness's blade struck. Once, twice, three times.
"I can't believe it," Kazuma gasped, as the bull came to a stop behind them and Darkness held her sword out behind her.
"Did…did I do it?" Darkness asked, turning as if expecting to see the bull fall as if mortally wounded.
"NO YOU DUNCE, THAT THING IS LITERALLY THE SIZE OF A MOUNTAIN AND YOU MISSED IT! THREE FREAKING TIMES!" Kazuma shrieked.
Behind them, there were now three great scars in the land, dug out by the fall of Darkness' blade. She had utterly failed to connect with the massive matterhorn, but she had made three nifty new canyons.
"Oh. Um, well…I-I always preferred hand-to-hand o-over weapons training," Darkness admitted.
"Then why doesn't this thing have any RANGED weapons to shoot at it with if you can't use a sword?!" Kazuma demanded. Even as he ranted, the Matterhorn turned about, bellowing another challenge.
"Well, if I had any ranged weapons, um, then my foes…they could never attack me," Darkness admitted. "I could not be battered about by their fiendish might, my body abused and suffering the throes of outrageous fortune as they-"
"The only thing outrageous about this is that we're out here dying, and CHRIS AND AQUA ARE EATING POPCORN!"
The two viewers paused, both of them with their hands inside of large bags of buttery fresh popcorn.
"What?" Aqua said. "You looked like you had it, and I was hungry."
"It's from what you harvested the other day, Kazuma," Chris told him. "Don't worry, we'll save you a snack. Do go on though, this is the best entertainment I've had in months."
"Did I make it?" Megumin gasped, rushing on screen. She took one look at Kazuma in his awkward position and fell over laughing. "HAHAHAHAHA! Serves you right, you pervert! Fusion's on the other foot now, huh! You show him, Darkness! Girl power!"
"B-but this is not the position I prefer," Darkness muttered, blushing and looking away. "I-I was hoping I would be the one tied down and helpless, forced to-"
"Darkness, sweetie, I'm glad you feel free to let your freak flag fly, but you're forgetting something," Chris said, talking around a mouthful of popcorn.
"What?" Darkness asked, blinking in confusion.
"THE TWO KAIJU TRYING TO KILL US!" Kazuma screamed.
Darkness looked up just as the mecha was sandwiched from both sides by the Matterhorns, the metal screaming as it was nearly crushed by the titanic impact of the two beasts.
"OOOOOOOO!" Darkness moaned. "To have two large, strong males, battering me about and using me as their plaything, while everyone watches my shameful humiliation as a knight, and makes mock of-"
"WILL YOU STOP IT!" Kazuma screamed. "I feel like they broke every rib in my body! Stop getting off on this and START WINNING YOU THICK DUMMY!"
"Um, ah, yes," Darkness agreed. She dropped her sword, letting it bounce off the slopes of the deadlocked Matterhorns. "I will finish this fight!"
"Good, how let's unfuse so that I can do this properly," Kazuma urged.
"No way, this is the best TV I've had in ages!" Chris said.
"Don't do it Darkness, make Kazuma's capitulation to your power complete!" Megumin urged.
"Can't, it's got a cool down. Something about the male refractory period?" Aqua said, paging through a manual. She took off the pair of glasses she'd been peering through with a shrug. "Sorry, it's a design flaw if you ask me."
"THAT IS HORSE SHIT!" Kazuma raged.
"More like bullshit based on the situation you're in," Chris said smugly.
"Ew," Aqua said, wrinkling her nose. "Can you imagine the size of the cow plops from those?"
"Actually," Darkness panted as she wriggled her way free, "Matterhorn droppings are an important part of the ecosystem. They contain a great deal of nutrients, as well as various seeds, and during the wet season are responsible for allowing the growth of-"
"Don't care, trying not to die!" Kazuma gasped. "Please, just get us out of here!"
"A knight never runs from her foes, but faces them directly!" Darkness declared. She jumped up, igniting her thrusters and spreading her wings to soar up into the sky.
"Good, good, let's fly away and regroup," Kazuma sighed. "Let these two bulls fight for a few hours until they've worn each other down and-"
"JUSTICE RAINS FROM ABOVE!" Darkness bellowed, and spun about, launching them both into a swooping dive aimed straight at the two struggling bulls, one fist outstretched in a superman pose.
Kazuma didn't even have time to do more than wet himself before they slammed fist first into the two bulls. Unfortunately for Kazuma, he didn't black out from the pain, even though it felt like his arm had just been shattered. The impact sent one bull crashing to the ground, its back broken by the impact. It kicked a little, then lay still, becoming a stationary mountain.
The other Matterhorn had its horns tangled in the other's, and struggled, trying to stand up.
"And now, we finish this!" Darkness cried. She heaved, picking the other bull up, then staggering up to the peak of the dead one.
"What are you doing?!" Kazuma gasped. He blinked. "Oh no. Please no. This is INSANE! You are not the Rock!"
"I AM THE ROCK OF DUSTINESS, SHE UPON WHOSE BODY THE FOES OF THE REALM BREAK!" Darkness roared. And then launched herself off the top of one matterhorn, tucking the other's head between her legs as she executed a perfect pile driver.
Unfortunately for the matterhorn, wrestling moves are 100% not safe to try at home, and as ridiculous as it was, the action snapped its neck. The bull twitched a little, then lay still. Darkness stood up, triumphant over the field.
"A glorious victory!" she panted.
"Yeah right! Every single one of our systems is just about shot, your right arm is now VERY broken, we lost our sword, and I hurt from head to toe!" Kazuma groaned. "Please, please let me out of this! END FUSION!"
Kazuma waited, but nothing happened.
"Darkness is top in this situation. She's the one who decides when it ends," Aqua informed them both.
"Oh! Um, h-how do I do that?" Darkness asked.
"You have to say your safe word," Aqua explained. "That will end the fusion."
"THAT WASN'T A PART OF IT BEFORE!" Kazuma raged.
"Yeah, but you're a guy, so it ends when you finish. Duh, that's how fusion works," Aqua explained.
"Um, what is my safe word?" Darkness asked.
"I dunno, you're supposed to establish it with your partner beforehand," Aqua said, which caused Chris to break out in sniggers and Megumin to go bright red.
"It's usually something you'd never say in the normal course of events," Chris giggled, putting one hand over her mouth to half hide her smirk. "So, what's a word you'd normally never say in, ah, play time?"
"Oh. I-I can't say that! Not where everyone can hear!" Darkness protested.
"We're all adults, even the loli over there," Kazuma moaned, nodding to Megumin. "You can swear."
"I AM EIGHTEEN, OR NEARLY SO! I AM AN ADULT!" Megumin raged.
"Um, i-it is not coarse language," Darkness admitted. She shuddered. "This is not the sort of humiliation I desire!"
"Just come back and say it in the hanger, I can treat Kazuma and patch up your mecha," Aqua ordered.
"Oh, so you're a doctor AND a mechanic!?" Kazuma demanded.
"Duh, they're both healing things, so as I argued before the Chief G-, um, I mean, Commander CC, they're both healing domain arts!" Aqua said happily.
"Plus, she'd be actually useless if she couldn't repair the mecha, and she wouldn't stop crying until CC allowed it," Chris added.
"I am not useless! I just am a support goddess. I mean, officer," Aqua grumbled.
"Um, right, returning to base," Darkness said, and the T1N4 staggered off towards the hangar.
Thanks to having approximately doubled in size, the mecha was too large to fit into the hanger bay, and Darkness made Kazuma squat it outside.
"Just say the word already. It can't be all that embarrassing," Kazuma urged her.
Darkness sighed, then looked at him nervously. "You promise not to repeat what I say?"
"Only when we're alone and only to embarass you," Kazuma assured her in his most sarcastic tone.
That made her shudder and moan. "W-what a wicked man! V-very well, I shall entrust you with my deepest, darkest secret." Taking a deep breath, Darkness said: "Lady Lalatina Ford Dustiness."
No sooner had she spoken the words, then the mecha twisted around them. Moments later, Kazuma found himself collapsed in the Lagaan, his body bruised all over. Darkness's mecha lay on the ground, badly battered and broken in many places.
"Esh, you do like making work for me, Kazuma," Aqua sighed. She hurried up, gently picking him up in her arms. "Well, I'll take care of you first. Don't worry, I'm a very good healer."
"I never want to do that again," Kazuma sobbed. "It was awful!"
"Well, now you know what the girls go through when you fuse with them," Aqua told him, shaking her head. "Next time, I'm sure you'll be more gentle."
"N-no! Don't do that! W-when I am at his mercy, he must be as brutal as possible!" Darkness cried, scrambling out of her own cockpit.
"Do you need healing too?" Aqua called up to her.
"No, I am fine, see to Master Kazuma instead!" Darkness called.
"We're not in your lame sex dungeon anymore," Kazuma muttered. "Don't call me that unless you're in a maid outfit."
"T-hat is not what- It is a form of address to a young man with no title!" Darkness gasped, clutching herself. "I-I was not referring to you as, um, m-my master!"
"Keep it to the bedroom, you too," Chris ordered, coming out to inspect the mecha. "Go take care of our poor ex-NEET, Aqua. That was amusing though. Next time we fuse, I want to be the top. It would be fun!"
Kazuma could only groan as Aqua took him to the sick bay.
The next day, after Kazuma's wounds had been treated and the mecha miraculously patched up, they all met in the dining room. Kazuma was restricted to a diet of soup and rice on Aqua's orders, along with bedrest which suited him just fine.
"Um, thank you for attending our after action briefing," Darkness said. She was dressed up now in a dark business suit, complete with heels and a pearl necklace, along with a couple of tasteful diamond earrings and a cream colored blouse under her half unbuttoned suit jacket.
The others were in their jumpsuits, save for Kazuma who insisted on wearing a hospital gown despite being entirely better by Aqua's reckoning. But he would be damned if he wasn't going to milk his convalescence for all he was worth.
"So what's our pay on that?" Kazuma demanded. "You said we'd be well compensated."
"W-well, um, we did successfully defeat two kaiju, the bounty for which is one hundred million credits apiece," Darkness said, gesturing to a document that Megumin passed out to the others.
"Sweet! That's enough to buy the rest of us some real mecha!" Chris cheered, and she and Megumin high fived in excitement.
"That's enough for us to not have to work for a long time. I say we find somewhere peaceful, buy a house, and settle down for a while," Kazuma suggested.
"What?! That's boring!" Chris protested, and Megumin nodded her agreement.
"I'm up for a big party to celebrate! Let's buy the good stuff!" Aqua cheered.
"Um, e-everyone, if you could direct your eyes to, um, the second, longer document," Darkness said.
Megumin passed out the other, which was a very long itemized list.
"W-well, after the damage the Matterhorns caused, a-and, ah, the collateral damage from our battle, as well as the expenses of repairing the mecha, food consumed, and, ah, various other expenses," Darkness cringed as everyone else read over the list.
"We OWE another 350,000,000 credits AFTER we factor in profits?!" Kazuma cried. "Then that whole fiasco COST us money!"
"Ah, yes. W-we will still draw our salaries, w-with combat bonus, b-but the entire sum of the dead kaiju's value is turned over to BMI, and, um, o-our team has a deficit, so there will be no bonus," Darkness admitted. "W-we will have to work extra hard on the next mission…"
"This is bullshit," Kazuma grumbled, wadding up both documents and throwing them in the trash can.
"Life as a wage slave. What can I say? That's capitalism!" Chris laughed.
"This is why I'm a pirate," Megumin grumbled. "We should seize the valuable goods and flee."
"Does that mean no bubbly?" Aqua whined.
"We, um, will have to buy the cheap stuff," Darkness said. She managed a pained grin. "Ah, good job team?"
The other four blew raspberries at her.