As he plummeted out of the sky, Kazuma briefly considered the life choices that had led to him falling to his death while a madwoman cackled in his ear. He'd had such a short, sweet life, but he was going to die a virgin. He really should have tried harder.
What seemed like forever ago, Kazuma had finally come out of his fusion with Chris and Darkness. The three of them had slumped in the Lagaan, back in the cargo hold, sweating and gasping for breath for a few minutes, until Megumin had come over and started yelling at them.
"What were you THINKING!? Fusing with SENA!? Pervzuma, you've really got to stop fusing with new women! Already you show yourself shockingly vulgar. Why would you desire such a stuck up prude when you already have four cute girls that you've fused with, one of whom is the foremost Genius of the Crimson Demon Clan and possessor of the Wave Motion Explosion Cannon, the greatest weapon this galaxy has ever seen!" Megumin ranted, sticking a finger in Kazuma's face.
"You think that was my idea?!" Kazuma demanded, sitting up, but Megumin had moved on to lecturing Chris.
"And to think, you would betray the club of those with properly streamlined figures for the melon farmers! Do not encourage Kazuma's pointless pursuit of our overly perverse employer! While I am normally unwilling to tolerate a romantic rival, I WILL have Kazuma fuse with my Chunchumaru to sing the song that shall end the world in a glory of Explosion!" Megumin proclaimed, striking a pose.
Chris blinked. "Uh, look, Megs, I just-"
"Do NOT call me Megs! That is a perverse pet name that shortens the glory of my full Crimson Demon name. I am MEGUMIN, and do not forget it!"
"Fine, Megumin. Look, I thought I was gay until-"
"Oh good, then while I will tolerate you fusing with Kazuma, he must still prefer me as firepower is obviously superior to stealth as anyone knows," Megumin said, continuing to run roughshod over the conversation.
"And as for you Darkness," Megumin said, rounding on the last of them.
"That is enough," Darkness said, standing up and looming over Megumin, who responded by puffing out her chest and standing on her tiptoes. Even then, she only came up to Darkness' chin, though her hair was standing on end like that of a growling little dog. Actually, she sort of reminded Kazuma of a chihuahua: lots of bark, very aggressive, and kinda cute in a weird bug-eyed way. Well, she wasn't bug-eyed, but if a chihuahua had red glowing eyes they'd be similar.
"Now listen here, you overly uddered milk cow! Just because you have the body of a man and the mind of a horny boy doesn't mean you can bully me! I lay claim to Kazuma by right of conquest, as he fused with me FIRST, and thus-"
"Megumin!" Darkness barked, and picked up the smaller woman by the collar, holding her up at eye level. "I am currently Lady Lalatina Ford Dustiness! As much as I enjoy your abuse, and would normally love to engage in a debauched rivalry to see which of us sheds our maidenhead first, currently my father and people are under siege by the forces of our foes! Right now, I need a friend and ally in battle, not a romantic rival. Do you understand me?!"
Megumin jerked a nod, going red in the face and looking supremely embarrassed. Darkness set her down, and Megumin hastily smoothed her black and red jumpsuit, as though there were some dust on it.
"Good." Darkness sighed, and turned to Kazuma. "Kazuma, when can you fuse again? We shall need your strange power if we are to face the foe."
"I'm…sorta spent," Kazuma sighed, shaking his head. "Man can only do it so often."
"AQUA! Get over here!" Chris shouted. "Our man needs a healing!"
"Oh come on, I've always won! Megumin, get back here, it's your turn already!" Aqua's voice called.
"Our game is finished, Aqua. I claim victory as Sena ran off!" Megumin huffed.
"No way! Sena gave me all her cards, so now I have some really good ones! I'm sure to win now!" Aqua protested, coming out from the seats and holding a truly massive stack of Uno cards.
"Just hurry up and heal Kazuma and fix the Lagaan so he could fuse again!" Chris urged. "I've never been as good at healing as you. I was better at…"
Chris didn't finish, but Kazuma figured she was going to say "everything else," which aside from a few niche skills that were of questionable application was probably true. Though Aqua was a pretty great cook. Chris wasn't bad, Kazuma would happily eat what she made, but Aqua would make Senzaemon Nakiri cry tears of joy.
"Hmph, well, I don't normally do this, but since Kazuma is my best friend, I suppose I will," Aqua sighed, and put a hand on Kazuma's head. "Restoration!"
Immediately, vitality surged through Kazuma. He felt great! He was ready to stand up, and get things DONE! Like lay down and take a nap for a few hours, or maybe do a long session of all night gaming, or perchance eat a large bowl of ramen.
Nothing too stressful, obviously. That would be crazy.
Back in the present, Kazuma deeply wished he had lain down and taken that nap. "WHY ARE WE DOING THIS AGAIN!?" he screamed.
"FOR GLORY, HONOR, AND EXPLOSIONS!" Megumin cackled. "NOW, WITNESS THE POWER OF MY FULLY OPERATIONAL WAVE MOTION EXPLOSION CANNON! DO IT KAZUMA!"
"Have it your way," Kazuma grumbled. He aimed the blast well away from where the enemy was assaulting the city. The splash radius was indicated to be pretty large, but he aimed even further away than that. He had a feeling Megumin was a bit over gunned. "Charging main cannon."
"That is not how you do it!" Megumin protested, wiggling under Kazuma excitedly. "Let me show you!"
In brightest day, in blackest night,
No evil can escape my sight
Those who would see me run in fright
LET MY EXPLOSION SHOW MY MIGHT!
"Hal Jordan, eat your heart out," Kazuma grumbled, and stabbed the firing key.
A massive beam of crackling red destructive power lanced out from the main gun of the Chunchumaru, and an eyeblink later it detonated on the field below. A massive mushroom cloud bloomed, and Kazuma and Megumin were flung about by the shockwave hit them like a hammerblow. Why had Kazuma agreed to this?
Oh right. It had been his idea.
"Look," he'd told the others once he'd been healed. "What we need here is firepower. A way to punch through the enemy force and relieve the city. Which means I need to-"
"Fuse with ME!" Megumin cackled, making a V sign by her eye. "I knew that you had not been swayed by my overly muscled rival!"
"Megumin, not the time," Chris sighed. She frowned at Kazuma. "Full frontal assault? Not real smart."
"Direct action is what is needed here," Darkness said with a shake of her head. "We must relieve my father." Then she hesitated. "Would not…would not it be better to fuse with me? I-I do not say this out of lust! Or, not entirely. I am the best suited to shielding my allies, and to taking the foe on directly."
"I mean yeah, that makes sense to me," Chris agreed, shaking her head and giving Kazuma a wry grin. "I'd like to make an argument about how I'm the best option here, but honestly I can do the sneaking around and backstabbing stuff without you inside me. Uh, I mean-"
"Yeah no, we know what you meant," Kazuma said, as Megumin glared at Chris and Darkness blushed, while Aqua yawned and examined her Uno cards. "But here's the thing: I trust you two. You can go in and clear a road without me, Darkness. Chris, you back her up. Let her distract the enemy and then you take them out. Aqua will support you as needed. Megumin and I though? We're the doorknockers here. We'll take out more of their force in one hit, then mop them up with long ranged firepower.
And then came the fusing and the jumping out of perfectly good airplanes, and now Kazuma was looking at an all red board.
"What the hell!? That shockwave totally knocked us out, we're dead in the water!" Kazuma gasped. He shook Megumin, who was hanging limply on the seat under him. "Megumin! Megumin, wake up!"
"That felt…'mazing," Megumin sighed. "Explosion…best weapon…gave you…my first…time…"
"Ok, maybe that was good for you, but it wasn't for ME!" Kazuma wailed as they continued to tumble in freefall, the ground racing up towards them. "Dammit I'm a virgin, I'm supposed to be the one who finishes and leaves the girl unsatisfied, not the other way around! Wake up and start moving or we're going to be pancakes!"
Megumin just giggled slightly, so Kazuma did the only thing he could do: he screamed like a little girl.
"I've got you!"
Like a guardian angel, Darkness swept out of the sky, her boosters roaring as she caught Kazuma and Megumin, barely managing to slow them both before they thudded into the ground.
"Thanks," Kazuma gasped, barely managing to keep the Chunchumaru on her feet. "Apparently, Miss Chunni Boombooms is a one shot wonder. I thought with me boosting her abilities she'd be able to get off more than one, but…"
"Charge…charge me up," Megumin said, her voice slurred. "I can do it again. I'll…ooooo, that felt goooooood. Just give…give me a minute and I'll…I'll blow 'em up! Hehehehehe."
Shaking his head, Kazuma had to lean on Darkness to keep the mecha up. "Yeah, she's like that."
"I…I did not realize…perhaps I should try this Wave Motion Explosion Cannon sometime," Darkness said, sounding jealous and rather intrigued.
"No! You can't! It's miiiiiine! Me and Kazuma!" Megumin wailed. "It was our first tiiiiiime!"
"That's nice, but we've got killing to do. Come on, Darkness," Chris said, materializing out of the dust and smoke. The air was thick with debris, and it was nearly impossible to see more than a few meters ahead of the mecha, with the instruments wailing that they were blind thanks to all the background radiation that was still raging.
"Will you be alright?" Darkness asked Kazuma, stepping aside so that the mecha swayed on its feet.
"Yeah, I guess. Fusion hasn't ended, and maybe I can get Aqua to give me a recharge," Kazuma said. "You two go have fun. Try not to get too distracted while you're being beaten up," Kazuma told Darkness.
She gave him a smile and flushed. "I shall not forget my duty, Kazuma."
With that, Darkness and Chris ran off into the raging storm, leaving Kazuma to stagger blindly on, hoping he didn't run into any enemies. Megumin was actually snoring now, and the mecha was basically running on nothing but vapors. That one shot had totally drained their energy levels, and Kazuma was pretty sure the whole thing would need a refit before it could be fired again.
"Geeze, I would get the most useless OP superweapon. Why can't it just keep firing like a proper destructo-beam?" Kazuma complained. Then he looked down at Megumin, with her sweat slicked hair, and a bit of drool leaking out of the side of her mouth. He reached over and smoothed a bit of it out of her face, causing her to sigh and rub up against him. That felt…nice.
"I could just do a quickie…she got one," Kazuma muttered, but he didn't try. For one thing, Megumin was asleep, and that would feel dirty, and for another getting THAT distracted while his mecha was already basically crippled seemed like a bad idea in an active warzone.
Maybe later though. Megumin was pretty cute.
After a few minutes, there was a bright glow above Kazuma, and he tried to raise his weapons. However, those were all offline, and he really only had the main gun anyway. He nearly wet himself, until he realized it was Aqua in her mecha, which had sprouted glowing gull's wings, which were fluttering as she descended in a radiant beam of blue light.
"Aww, hey there, buddy!" Aqua said, landing with a graceful step. Her wings vanished, and she raised her hand, the staff with a pink flower petal appearing in the mecha's grasp. "Looks like you need a recharge! Don't worry, the gifts of the goddess are always free, including healing and repair!"
"Thanks, Megumin is still passed out," Kazuma sighed as Aqua walked over. She crouched behind the now larger Chunchumaru, and somehow plugged her staff into the fuel port.
"Huh? Wazzat? Face me and know despair, fools!" Megumin babbled, jerking upright as the mecha shuddered and began to slowly reactivate.
"Relax, Aqua's just giving us a recharge. We'll find a good position and see if you can fire another one off. We're really going to need to work on your stamina," Kazuma said, shaking his head. "That or tone down the power draw."
"No! You must always put absolutely everything you have into every shot, making each one your final howl into the abyss, so that your soul grows mighty in its fell shadow!" Megumin babbled. "That is how you prove that you are the foremost Genius of the-"
"More like foremost thief. You stole my prototype, you red eyed hussy!"
Kazuma's blood ran cold, and out of the swirling dust and smoke strode Wolbach in her mecha, a similarly oversized gun resting on her shoulders. Her model was just as tall as Chunchumaru, even in its larger fused form.
"Oh shit," Kazuma breathed, and he looked around, feeling a rising sense of dread and panic. Where were all the little ones, the waves of minions that Wolbach was sure to throw at them now?
To his shock, Megumin suddenly seized control of the mecha, raising one hand to point an accusing finger at Wolbach. "Stole it!? It was MINE BY RIGHT! As your pupil, it was I who deserved to wield the Wave Motion Explosion Canon!"
"THAT'S NOT HOW DEVELOPMENT WORKS!" Wolbach snarled, coming forward and shoving Kazuma and Megumin roughly. "I spent AGES developing that technology! I worked my ass off for CENTURIES! I taught you people how to MAKE mecha in the first place, and what was my thanks!? Oh, she's a demon! Oh, she's insane! Oh, she blew up a moon!"
"Two moons," Megumin corrected. "And a planet."
"IT WAS A DWARF PLANET! And that second moon hardly counted, it wasn't even spherical!" Wolbach ranted.
"What!? You should take credit for your glorious deeds! Such incredible firepower! My master, that was what attracted me as your follower in the first place! Look, with this new fusion with Kazuma, I have taken the Wave Motion Explosion Cannon to new heights! Why, with such firepower, I will be able to bring such devastation that all will be able to recognize the beauty of the Wave Motion Explosion Cannon and proclaim me the true mistress of Dark Destruction!" Megumin cackled.
"Wait, hold on. Megumin, are you a war criminal?" Kazuma demanded.
"Shut up, Kazutrash! Besides, my Explosions have hardly ever killed anyone," Megumin harrumphed, turning about to glare at Kazuma.
"Your very first use of the Wave Motion gun destroyed one of the Devil King's frigates," Wolbach pointed out. "Then you blew up a space station."
"Yes, but those were bad guys so it doesn't count as murder," Megumin explained patiently.
"They're still people! I mean, they're evil space demon minions, but they're still people. Technically. The work for me now, you know," Wolbach sighed.
"Traitor! How could you turn your back on the Belzerg system to side with our enemies!" Megumin accused.
"Because King Melarch threatened to have me executed the moment he found me, just like he'll do with you as soon as he realizes you've built a Wave Motion Explosion Cannon! Just because you Crimson Demons are his pet wackos for now doesn't mean he won't turn on you- wait. Who is that behind you?"
"Go away, you dumb traitor! I'm not talking to someone who would betray our highest ideals to make things as vulgar as you do!" Aqua said, sticking her head around Chunchumaru to glare at Wolbach.
"OH IS IT JUST HAPPY HOUR FOR HYPOCRITES HERE!?" Wolbach demanded, shoving Kazuma aside to loom over Aqua. "Little Miss 'It-Doesn't-Count-As-A-Weapon-It's-Just-A-Platform!' You and those stuck up idiots at the GF are SO HAPPY to recruit hapless idiots from around the galaxy to do your dirty work for you, but you never bother to ACTUALLY get your hands dirty! Well, I have! And I'm perfectly willing to design some ACTUAL weapons that get results instead of just that stupid 'guide and empower' crap the rest of you do!"
"You kill people! And you make all sorts of insane weapons! That's not what a goddess is SUPPOSED to do, Wolbach!" Aqua argued.
"I'm not a goddess anymore, and neither are you! We're just a bunch of jumped up engineers at this point running around trying to put out the fires that WE started, and I'm the only one who realizes the best way to do it is with a flamethrower instead of a fire hose!" Wolbach argued.
"Wait, hold on, do you know her, Aqua?" Kazuma demanded.
"And who's this idiot and why-" Wolbach suddenly blushed furiously. "Aqua!? Who DESIGNED that Mecha!? Did you let that horny idiot Ishtar do this!? Megumin, Megumin get out of there this INSTANT! I will not let my apprentice or my glorious creation be turned into some sort of fetish! THIS IS WHAT IS WRONG WITH HUMANS!"
"Hey! My Lagaan is perfectly normal! When Kazuma fuses with me, it's just a nice dance studio!" Aqua argued. "And besides, you know, if the mortals don't, uh…do the thing…then there wouldn't be any more of them!"
"Sounds like solving the problem to me. Young lady, you get out of there this INSTANT!" Wolbach raged, reaching up and rattling the mecha's head around as if she intended to pull it off.
"No! The Wave Motion Explosion Cannon is meant to be enjoyed, to be fully experienced! Let me show you the glory of my passion now! Kazuma, I am fully recharged, let us create a beautiful explosion together once more!" Megumin urged.
"Are you insane?! This is point blank range! We'll all be killed!" Kazuma cried.
"If that is what you wish…then let your folly burn you alive, my former apprentice! Witness now, a TRUE master of ordinance!" Wolbach cried, jumping back. Pods on her side opened up, revealing a bank of missiles. "One must have a weapon for every situation, not rely only on a single gun!"
"There is a weapon for every situation, and it is THE WAVE MOTION EXPLOSION CANNON! For mine is the Weapon that shall PIERCE THE HEAVENS! We shall smash reason to the curb and do the impossible!"
The mecha crackled with energy, Aqua wailing behind them as Megumin charged up the Wave Motion Explosion Cannon.
"Fools, you'll destroy yourselves! You have no concept of reality!" Wolbach snarled, and let loose with her missiles.
Aqua managed to get a shield up as Megumin and Kazuma poured more power into their weapon, missiles splattering off it as the main gun began to glow as red as Megumin's eyes.
Wolbach opened up her own cannon, and it began to glow as well. "Are you insane?! This will never work!"
"Because that's the Team Kazuma way!" Kazuma declared, caught up in the moment. "I'm going to tell you something important now, so you better dig the wax out of those pointy ears of yours and listen! The reputation of Team Kazuma echoes far and wide. When they talk about its badass leader - the man of indomitable spirit and masculinity - they're talking about me! The mighty Kazuma! Now, we shall go BEYOND THE IMPOSSIBLE! WAVE MOTION EXPLOSION CANNON-"
"-FIRE!" Megumin cackled.
"THEN LET THE APOCALYPSE COME!" Wolbach screamed, and fired her own weapon, springing high into the air as she did so.
Somehow, Aqua's barrier held for a moment, but then the world around them dissolved into flames and heat. Both Kazuma and Aqua's mecha were picked up and flung away from the center of the blast, Aqua's shield finally failing as they were ejected from the worst of it. Megumin screamed in ecstasy, then passed out as the Wave Motion Explosion Cannon finished firing, but the energy release kept them moving, hurtling up and away, out of the second mushroom cloud to bloom, and over the city.
"AAHHHHH! KAZUMAAAAAAAA! SAVE MEEEEEE!" Aqua screamed.
"Sorry…that's all I got," Kazuma gasped, and the fusion suddenly ended. All three mecha tumbled through the air, the Lagaan shut down, Chunchumaru limp and smoking from the overload, and Aqua flailed about wildly in sheer panic.
"Oh, this is gonna suck," Kazuma said. Darkness didn't leap out of nowhere to save him this time. Instead, a large tower rose up near him. In desperation, Kazuma hit the Button That Does Stuff again, but no fusion happened.
Instead, the canopy sealed, and filled with crash foam right before all three mecha smashed into the tower, and Kazuma blacked out.
The next thing Kazuma knew, he was floating in a black void, and he was naked for some reason. He blinked, looking about, his only illumination the soft glow of distant stars.
"Well shit. Did I seriously die from that? That's so lame! I died against the starter boss?! This system is seriously rigged! How the hell was I supposed to win!? Dammit all, I was this close to getting laid too!"
"I assume you would have made more progress if you'd actually picked one girl, instead of trying to go for a harem route. You know those are always more difficult," a female voice said.
"Yeah, well, the Golden Endings are always the best! Everyone knows that!" Kazuma argued with the voice. "Can you blame a man for trying?"
"Absolutely. It's one of the follies of the human race: reaching for more than they can attain, and always falling short. It is the tragedy of the hero: one who strives for more than they can reach, and yet always ends in his own destruction via hubris. A pity."
Kazuma sniffed, a familiar scent filling his nostrils. He couldn't quite place it though. And he looked suspiciously around. "Who are you, anyway? Are you god? Here to judge me? Well, I know that wasn't exactly an S rank run, but can you blame me?! I was kidnapped by a crazy alien that thinks she's some sort of goddess, and I got a game over because my insane teammate wouldn't put anything but a giant gun on her mecha!"
"Hmmm. As I recall, you're the nominal hero in this tale. Shouldn't you have better supervised the construction of your teammate's equipment?" the voice asked. There was also the smacking of lips, as if they were…eating something? What was that smell?
"Oh, it's easy to play the critic when YOU just sit on your ass all day, judging dead people! When have you gotten involved in events!?" Kazuma demanded. "Some goddess you are!"
The voice laughed. "Oh, quite often, as it happens. We do like to meddle, don't we? Though personally, I never claimed to be a goddess. It does say something about you that you assume I am one, though."
"Come out! Show yourself! Where are you?!" Kazuma demanded.
The voice sighed. "It's rather tragic how often people don't bother looking behind them when asking that question. Really, you find yourself just floating there, and you don't even bother to look around you."
Kazuma spun about, and found a green haired woman sitting behind him at a table, a box before her. Wait a second…
"Is that pizza hut?!" Kazuma demanded, slowly coming over.
"Hmm? Oh yes. They deliver, you know," the woman said. She nodded to an empty chair across from her. "Sit. You may have a slice."
"Uh, OK." Conscious that he was still naked, Kazuma sat down, and picked up a piece of pizza. It wasn't his favorite: mushrooms and meatballs with marinara sauce, but it was still warm. He bit into it, chewing and reminiscing about the familiar flavor. "Hey, not bad. Though honestly, I'd think in heaven they'd have better food than this junk. I always preferred Domino's."
"Plebian. And you're not in heaven. This is just the waiting room," the woman said, picking a bit of mozzarella off her chin with her finger and sticking it in her mouth. She licked her lips, then dabbed at her chin with a napkin.
"Huh? Aren't I dead?" Kazuma asked.
"In a manner of speaking," the woman said, taking out another slice. She bit into it, sighing happily.
"Well then what's the point of eating?!" Kazuma demanded, dropping his greasy slice back onto the stained box in disgust.
"Well, I don't technically need to eat, but I do enjoy it. Don't you?" the woman queried.
"I mean, I guess." Kazuma picked up the piece again and chewed it. It was greasy, but it did taste pretty good.
"Excellent. Now, how are my two girls doing? Behaving themselves? This is their first field mission, after all," the woman asked.
"Wait, are you…" Kazuma's eyes narrowed. Her name was on the tip of his tongue.
"You can call me the Central Commander, from the Galactic Federation," the woman said.
"That's too much of a mouthful. How about CC?" Kazuma asked.
She smiled. "Very good. But pronounce it C2, would you? Makes me nostalgic."
"Uh, sure, whatever. So you're asking about Aqua and Eris, right?" Kazuma asked.
The Central Commander nodded, setting her pizza slice down and leaning back, steepling her fingers before her. She would have been the very image of cool detachment, but a bit of red sauce stained the corner of her mouth still. "Indeed. How have they been behaving themselves?"
"Honestly, like a pair of complete idiots!" Kazuma complained. "Aqua's a crybaby who just yanked a random NEET from Nagano into space to be her lackey, but she's totally unprofessional in every possible way! She forgets about the mission and wants to spend her time drinking and playing video games, when she's not too busy just palling around! She has no military decorum whatsoever!"
"I see. Then you give her a poor grade?" CC asked.
Kazuma hesitated. "I mean…honestly she's weird, but…damn that girl can build mecha! Yeah, they're strange, but they're powerful and it's really incredible when she puts her mind to it. Plus, she's actually not half bad at supporting us in battle, as long as she quits crying and does her job. And, well, even if she doesn't act like a military commander, she's my friend and she gets the job done."
"Hmm. Interesting. I'll note that. And Eris?"
"Well, aside from the fact that she pretends to be Chris, and apparently snookered me and Aqua into this whole thing? I mean, what kind of maniac thinks that going into a warzone and fighting against space monsters and stuff is a vacation!? Then there's the whole live stream thing! I mean yeah it's cool and all, but should you REALLY be broadcasting what you're doing on the internet!? Yeah, Eris THINKS she's really cool and competent, but she keeps nearly getting us killed with her wacky antics!"
"So you'd say she's failing at her job, then?"
"I mean no, she's probably the only one of us that actually knows how to fight. Plus, uh," Kazuma coughed. "She's pretty sexy, even if she's nervous about it. Did she and Aqua, uh, really…?"
"That would be a gross breach of confidentiality and military procedure to discuss the romantic affairs of my subordinates," CC said seriously, looking at Kazuma stone faced.
"Uh, right, I guess, so…"
"Fortunately, I am not here in a professional capacity." CC leaned forward, a mischievous grin tugging at her lips. "Ever since they arrived in the GF, after their, ah, last employer let them go, Eris has repeatedly attempted to seduce Aqua. However, Aqua seems somewhat oblivious to this, and Eris is too inexperienced to really know what to do anyway. Aqua seems rather attached to her previous nature and hasn't awakened to the fact that she is, shall we say, no longer bound by previous arrangements from behaving in a more carnal manner."
"Ugh, gross. Look, she's cute and all but she's more like my sister. What about Chris!? She's the one I'm into! Flat is justice, and I have to decide if I'm going to make her best girl!" Kazuma said, slamming his fist into his palm.
"Do be careful. She's always been a mischievous one. Just remember that Fortune doesn't favor Fools. She likes boldness and cleverness, but not idiocy. Save for certain brands that she finds all too compelling," CC sighed. She shook her head. "For myself, despite claims to the contrary and what you may have heard, I personally have avoided that sort of thing. Taking mortal lovers never works out long term for either party involved."
Just then, something chimed.
"Oh, it seems you're done," CC said, closing the box of half eaten pizza and standing. "We'll talk more later, I'm sure. You seem the reckless type."
"Huh, what are you talking about?" Kazuma asked, looking around.
"KAZUMA, KAZUMA!" Aqua's voice suddenly thundered. "I finally finished- oh, there you are! Quick, come back, I, uh, I cloned you or something, and there was a- er, data backup of your mind, so I'm bringing you back to life! Just don't tell CC or the GF, we're not supposed to perform miracles like this!"
"I'll write it into my report as nanotech," CC called. "You are, after all, purely employing advanced resurrective technology, and not employing illegal magic in our hard science setting, yes?"
"Hard science my ass, there's giant mecha running around everywhere," Kazuma complained. "Real robot this ain't."
There was an uncomfortable silence, then Aqua asked. "Do you want to be brought back to life or not!?"
"Yes, fine! This pizza sucks anyway. Next time, get mayo and chicken with some furikake, it's way better," Kazuma told CC.
She smiled. "Amusing that you acknowledge you will surely die again. Farewell, young man. Do bring me some really juicy gossip next time."
And with that, the stars began to grow in brightness, blinding Kazuma, and he felt himself waking up.
Author's Note:
This isn't a crossover, OK. It's just a Konosuba story with the Lagaan and Pizza Hut in it for...reasons.
Also, I really want to extend a special thanks to my discord and those supporting my writing efforts on that one website that's blocked. This last month, I've been unable to work, stuck at home with COVID. They've kept me motivated and given me something to do, even when I was too sick to go outside. Thanks guys.