Chapter 15: Safety First

The following week of training flew by. Daytime was filled with combat, scouting, and infiltration exercises, while nighttime was reserved for code, code, and even more code. I had gotten blindsided by a muse I'd thought long forgotten, tossing my established social life, sleep schedule, and eating habits straight out the window. It was like stumbling across an oasis in the desert and then realising you haven't had anything to drink for twelve years.

Hold your horses, Mr. Hyperbole.

I wasn't dying without Python in my life, but sweet mother of mercy was it good to be back in familiar territory. It even outshone the fact that our teacher recently promised to teach us elemental ninjutsu. What a shame that these days of idly polishing skills would soon come to an end.

D-ranks. A shiver went down my spine. One more night before I give up my freedom.

I stretched my fingers and picked up my brush, returning focus to my newest array: an improved explosive tag—at least, that's what it should have been. For all my coding competence, I'd failed to anticipate the mechanical complexities of running a program where the text's physical characteristics played a role in its outcome.

Don't even get me started on storage scrolls. The less said about those the better.

By and large, copying pre-made tags posed little challenge. The customary code wasn't the prettiest to look at, but it was easy to write—ideal for mass production. However, every single Jutsu-shiki guide that I'd gotten my hands on—all two of them—advised against relying on premade arrays if one wanted to attain any measure of competency. Therefore, after successfully reproducing a dozen or so explosives, I began devising my own method.

A typical tag did about as much damage as a D-rank fire technique, with higher end stuff reaching about C-rank. This could be compensated for by just adding a whole bunch of tags together in a cluster, à la Shikamaru vs Hidan or Konan vs Obito. However, if they had even the slimmest chance of remaining in my arsenal up until the late Shippuden era, I'd need a more practical method than gathering a billion in one spot and praying I manage to bait my foe into a trap.

My tags would be bigger, badder, and boomier than the industry standard. Delicately designed devices of doom, lovingly handmade with locally sourced ingredients in a shadow-clone sweatshop near you.

Could it even be called a sweatshop if only two people are working there?

Whatever, the semantics didn't matter. I was still stuck on how to improve upon the industry standard in the first place.

Therein lay the problem. If it was so easy to improve, why had nobody done it yet? Increasing the baku kanji's size just meant the same bang for more buck—read: chakra investment. Multiple kanji clustered together was even worse because only one of them blew up while the rest remained inert, wasting a bunch of expensive chakra ink.

It's almost like the people supplying the general shinobi forces already have this benefit-cost ratio thing figured out. Who'd have thought?

But why was that the maximum attainable efficiency?

Imagine if a lump of TNT suddenly decided to turn into paper halfway into exploding. That's basically what was happening in the tags.

In theory the multiple parallel kanji could have circumvented this issue, but it required that they all explode at almost exactly the same time. An impossible task because chakra refused to diffuse evenly along each fuse.

A different approach would be to stabilise the array with higher quality ink and paper, but the slight increase in durability this would provide was once again hugely inefficient. If I wanted to pay twice the amount, I might as well just use two cheaper tags.

I'm just thinking in loops now.

I tore up my latest attempt and threw it away in frustration, only to instantly regret the waste of chakra paper. Hiruzen had quit footing our bills after graduation. At least I'll get an extra influx of cash soon.

Maybe I should revisit this after a good night's rest. It wouldn't make for a good impression to show up totally bleary-eyed on my first mission anyway. Sleeping with shadow clones helped, but it wasn't a perfect replacement.

We better not be searching for Tora tomorrow…

The mission was not, as it turned out, to find that hell beast. Though I probably overestimated how awful the cat really was, fanon being what it was.

Our orders entailed guarding a very important person from all domestic threats while their regular caretaker was busy with other tasks. It would involve many hardships, such as preparing a meal and providing entertainment. Most of all, we needed to ensure our VIP remained out of reach from any sharp and otherwise dangerous objects.

Okay, maybe I'm making this sound too dramatic. Babysitting wasn't the most glamorous of affairs.

Akuma grumbled, "Couldn't we have gotten something a bit more… active?"

"This is only the first of many missions. You will have plenty of opportunities to exert yourselves in the future." Hayate immediately replied. He must have expected such an argument.

"Yeah, but just sitting around and watching a baby feels lame," she said, puffing her cheeks.

Yuu tried poking his fingers against them and was nearly bitten. "{Barbarian!}" he yelped, flicking her on the nose as revenge. This only spurred her on as she caught his arm and began twisting.

Hayate and I shared a commiserating look. At least they'd waited until after we left the mission office to make a scene.

"That's enough of that," he stated, pulling the two of them apart. "I concede that guard and escort missions are often boring. However, allowing yourself to lose focus due to your boredom could have dire consequences. Think of this as an opportunity to hone your concentration in a safe environment."

Seems my internal comparison wasn't without merit.

"I assume that means I'm not allowed to practise my sealing?" I asked.

"It's bad enough that you lose sleep over it," Hayate responded. "Don't let your hobbies overtake your duty."

I would have retorted that improving my skills should count as respecting my duties if not for the fact we'd held that conversation many times before. It was only a D-rank. What was the worst that could happen?

Our stroll continued with a bit of idle chatter, eventually leading up to a starkly modern apartment complex. From what I remembered reading in our mission dossier, it had been built from the ground up after laying destitute for many years after Kurama's genjutsu-induced tantrum—not unlike Naruto's and my own apartment building.

Hayate tapped on the front door.

"Just a moment!" chimed a bubbly voice from inside. Her tone starkly clashed with the behemoth of a woman who eventually greeted us. She looked like she could give She-Hulk a run for her money—and not just the green supermodel version. Her arms were as wide as my head.

"Thank goodness you're here! Who knows how long my little rascal's going to stay asleep," she said.

While I tried to keep my face as neutral as possible, I was inwardly surprised to hear of a Kunoichi remaining on the roster after having a must have been a privilege only afforded to the richer clans.

"I'm rather surprised the Hokage forced you into active duty so soon, Akane-san," Hayate remarked, mirroring my thoughts.

"I just needed a little break," she said, "I'm getting pretty stir-crazy, and you know how active I was before." She finished her statement with a boisterous laugh that she didn't seem to mirror internally.

Surely spending time with your own child must be more worthwhile than dashing through the humid forest all day. Then again, what did I know? I was only sporty because I tricked my brain into an endorphin addiction. The deepest depths of my soul still preferred sitting at a desk and brainstorming.

"I understand; kids can certainly be a handful," Hayate replied, gesturing at us—hey!

Akane pushed her way through the doorway. "Aren't you three just the most adorable little ninja."

"Adorable?" Akuma squawked.

"Don't worry, they're far more capable than they look," Hayate assured.

"Oh, I wasn't worried," she responded with a brilliant smile. "I'm sure they'll keep my little Daisuke out of trouble."

Then why does her chakra keep acting up?

"We will give it our utmost effort, Akane-san," Yuu affirmed with a slight bow. She cooed in delight.

A few parting words and well-wishes for her mission followed and we were finally let into the apartment. She would be gone for about a day. Our objectives entailed at least two prepped meals and however much attention the baby required for its mental health.

Originally our plan included baby-proofing the apartment, but it seemed Akane had already removed every sharp edge in sight and gotten child safety locks installed. Since it wasn't as necessary for each of us to pay attention to the child at all times, Yuu suggested we watch in shifts so the other two people could take stock of the kitchen and do some chakra exercises on the side.

I immediately opened my mouth, "I'll take the first shift and prepare lunch afterwards. Everyone alright with that?"

"No way!" Akuma argued, "You just want the first watch because the baby's still asleep."

Yuu nodded along. My friends knew me far too well.

"Are you saying you don't like my cooking?" I replied, gasping in horror. "After all these years and now you finally show your true colours." Tears welled up in my eyes. "I'm sorry to have disappointed you all. Shame on me."

They both gave me the same stone-cold, half-lidded, thin-lipped look of indifference. At least Hayate seemed mildly impressed by my display.

I hung my head low. "Fine, we can cook together," I declared, before shuffling toward the child's room.

Yuu caught me by the hem of my shirt, "Cut the theatrics. You could have simply asked for the first turn."

I smirked. "But where's the fun in that?"

Right as I finished saying that, Daisuke started crying in the other room. "Mayhaps your terrific acting performance indeed merits some reward," Yuu stated. "Feel free to take the first shift."

"Yeah, we'll just stay out here and make some tea," Akuma chimed in. "Holler when you need us."

I put my hands up in defeat, singing, "{Akuma and Yuu, making cups of tea, I}—"

"Best get going," Hayate cut me off, his mouth twitching in mirth. "I will be outside, securing the perimeter."

My friends chuckled evilly as he excused himself. They were all lucky I wasn't the unhinged type. If I were a manhua reincarnator they'd come to regret this appalling treatment. The young master of the arable mountain sect shall have his revenge!

I entered the bedroom and was immediately hit by the reason for the child's outrage. Ninja senses sure were a double-edged sword. Thankfully I'd had a bit of experience with this type of thing from babysitting my niece during my last go-around.

"Hey there little man, let me go ahead and change that for you," I said, reaching into the crib.

An embarrassing amount of struggling against a panicky child later, Daisuke was finally mollified and fell right back asleep. Despite the rocky start, I could only smirk victoriously as I grabbed a chair to sit next to him. All I had left to do was appreciate the cuteness in blissful silence.

It reminded me a bit of Naruto's chubby little toddler self. This room was a lot more spacious than ours, though, and Daisuke's crib was nice and cushioned. Presumably Akane also treated her son a lot better than Shizuka had treated Naruto, considering she gave us such a detailed meal plan. In retrospect it was a terrible travesty that they'd skimped on feeding us back at the orphanage.

There goes my good mood.

There was no way the third Hokage hadn't known. A man hailed as 'the professor' acting all surprised? Don't make me laugh. Then again, there wasn't much I could do about Hiruzen if it turned out he was secretly a soulless psychopath. I just had to wait around and maybe bring up my issues when Tsunade eventually showed up.

Worst case scenario, Naruto would surely lend me an ear if I brought up my concerns with him once he was Hokage. Maybe also tell him to spend some more time with his kids while I was at it. Was Boruto even canon? I sure hope not. The only thing I remember was Otsutsuki showing up to wreck the place and some guy named Ishiki killing Kurama.

I groaned and put my head in my hands, praying to whatever cosmic force brought me here that I'd at least get a comfortable retirement after all the Kaguya shenanigans were dealt with.

"This world really isn't very child-friendly," I mumbled to myself—and speaking of which—"I hope your mom stays safe," I said to… noone?

My senses spiked in tandem with my heart rate as I viewed the empty crib. I tried honing in on the child's signature, but couldn't find anything other than my two friends in the next room. He couldn't have gotten far, the apartment was too small. Right, no big deal. Stay calm, and focus on teasing out the signature.

The bedroom was definitely empty, and Akuma or Yuu would have probably noticed a toddler crawling around. That only left…

I sped to the bathroom and yanked the door open to jab my finger toward the blue tiled wall. "Sensei, seriously?" I huffed. "You almost gave me a heart attack!"

He deactivated his transparency jutsu. "Two and a half minutes. Your ward is dead. I hope this will teach you a bit of responsibility."

I was mentally over thirty, damnit! "I'm plenty responsible," I said, crossing my arms exactly like a petulant twelve year old. Curse you, pubescent brain!

"You let me take the child from right under your nose," he argued. "When my attempted distraction didn't even make you flinch, I assumed you were just a diligent watcher. Instead you were dozing off!"

"I wasn't dozing off," I replied, "I had important things on my mind."

Hayate somehow pulled off a near carbon copy of the unimpressed stare Yuu and Akuma had given me earlier. "Just focus a bit; that's all I ask. The three of you have great potential as long as you keep your distractible tendencies in check."

"{Ugh, you can stick it up your—}" Take a deep breath and calm down. I was acting like an irrational tween. I should have known better. "You're right. I'm sorry."

Hayate carried Daisuke back to his crib. "I understand, Satoya. You've had no guidance; nobody to look up to." His eyes softened as he clasped my shoulder. "Living alone is tough, even for a genius."

"I'm no genius," I corrected.

Hayate chuckled and ruffled my hair. "At least you're modest, even if you have an attitude problem."

I jolted as I heard something loudly clatter to the floor one room over. "What was that?"

"I'm sure it was nothing," Hayate responded stone-faced, "Just an accident. Stay at your post."

Was he… Ah, right; clones.

I took a seat beside the kid as Hayate leapt out the window. Despite my brain's best efforts, I even managed to remain focused on Daisuke for half an hour before groaning in bored frustration.

I created a shadow clone. "You got this."

He rolled his eyes. "You realise I'm just as fed up with this as you."

I shrugged. "Yeah, too bad. One of us has to do it, and I'm your boss."

He gave me the finger and smashed his head against the wall to disappear. Great, now I'm just mad at myself. Even more annoyingly, Daisuke woke up and started crying again.

"What's up with you this time?" I groaned.

Diaper? I sniffed. Nope.

Probably food then. I created another clone and it rushed to the kitchen without letting me get a single word out. Left behind, I tried my best to calm Daisuke down—rocking him back and forth and humming a soothing tune. It didn't work. I mentally cursed at my clone for dodging his responsibility.

Twenty minutes later I was lounging on Akane's bed, and utterly done with this.

"Satoya, we brought food!" Akuma said as she swung open the door. "Sorry it took so long. Hayate was messing with us, and your clone insisted on making—"

She abruptly stopped and Yuu bumped into her from behind. Both of them lost all their colour and froze in place like statues.

"I know what that bastard did," I pressed through grit teeth. "Do you have any idea how hard it was to calm this guy down?"

"Sato…" Akuma started, the first to unfreeze from her stupor, "Why do you look like that?"

I rolled my eyes and snatched the freshly home cooked baby-food from her hands. "Daisuke is {sexist}," I said, spooning some mash to the rascal's mouth. "~Open wide Daisuke-chan.~"

As I fed the living headache-inducer, Yuu finally found his voice. "You're a girl!"

"Ugh, it's a transformation," I corrected. "He wouldn't calm down until I looked like a girl. Hence {sexist}."

Akuma sighed. "I know I'll regret asking this, but what does {sexist} mean?"

"I don't think our society is progressive enough to have a word for it yet," I explained.

Akuma definitely regretted asking.

Usually I'd expect a jibe from Yuu, but he was still staring at me, utterly transfixed. "And why did you make yourself look so pretty?"

Akuma punched him in the shoulder and I felt a—NO I will not blush!—I covered my face in embarrassment.

"I was Akane-san at first, but giving myself that much extra mass was super draining," I explained. "The Perfect Transformation costs less upkeep if it's closer to my original state. This is the closest to what I normally look like."

In fact, this form was the result of picturing my Y chromosome getting replaced with another X as I casted. "Since I didn't change my clothes, I might even be able to keep this up indefinitely with my natural stamina."

Yuu looked a little constipated for a moment before walking toward the bathroom.

"I guess that makes sense. You have always looked girly if not for your body," Akuma teased, "but I think you should turn back now." She then glanced back to where we could hear Yuu washing his face. "I don't like being second best."

Her grin showed far too many teeth for my liking. Preteen girls were scary. Especially when they wielded swords as long as my arm.

"Guh, my fragile masculinity! Why must you wound me so? For this crime I condemn you to becoming this child's caretaker!" I plopped the kid in her lap and banished my transformation.

The rest of our first mission was straightforward. I cooked another two meals as per Akane's instruction, used up my last bit of infused ink on a failed storage scroll, and occasionally pitched in as my girl-self to calm down Daisuke because Akuma got fed up being the only one able to end his crying.

Definitely sexist, that one.

All in all, while a bit of a time sink, the mission wasn't too bad. The pay certainly sweetened the deal, as it gave me the funds necessary to restock my coding supplies. After reporting to the mission desk, I rushed through the streets to make it before the vendor closed.

My go-to store was a quaint little building near the edge of Konoha's shopping district; easy to miss due to being wedged between two taller, more modern clothing vendors. The only indicator of its purpose was a worn wooden sign with the text 'Jutsu-shiki Supplies' written in faded red ink.

Unlike its shabby outside appearance, the inside was well cared for. Polished display cases aligned the walls, holding various different bottles of ink, all of which were labelled with helpful descriptors regarding ingredients, preparation method, imbued chakra nature… everything a man could dream of. And that was before even considering the magnificent, wildly expensive works of art locked away in the back room.

The store's official owner, Kei Usui, was an immigrant from Uzushiogakure and Konoha's foremost jutsu-shiki material expert—or at least he had been. The man was ancient—literally—and more than halfway out of his mind at this point. The real person in charge was his great granddaughter Mei who produced most of the store's standard quality wares.

I saw her atop a ladder, carrying a small crate of bottles. Her wavy blonde hair was tucked into a bun and she had a small smear of blue ink on her otherwise pale cheek.

"Evening, Mei-san!" I said in a chipper tone as the entrance bell jingled. "Been making a fresh batch?"

"Ah, Satoya-kun," she greeted, "It was a slow day so I decided to restock our supply. Aren't you a bit late today?"

"Ha, sorry. The mission took longer than usual," I said, walking closer and steadying the ladder.

She smiled in gratitude. "I understand. At least you don't barge in when we're closed and demand the most outrageous things like some shinobi."

I was pretty sure she was talking about a certain toad enthusiast. After emptying the crate, she stepped down the ladder and walked up behind the register. "The usual order?"

"Double-batch please," I responded. I could afford to splurge now that I had some income again.

Mei's eyes gleamed as she rummaged through one of the drawers to grab my supplies. "It makes Reina very happy to hear someone is so interested in her creations," she said.

Reina was Mei's 15 year old daughter and apprentice. Her products were much, much cheaper than her mom's and definitely worth the money for a newbie like me, even if they weren't the best quality.

"They're great for {debugging}," I answered, not really knowing the equivalent word in Japanese.

Mei gave no indication of being bothered by my English. "You know, she's quite interested in meeting her number one customer," she remarked. "You should come visit."

A shiver went down my spine. Why was I nervous? I could have really done without going through puberty again…

"I regret to inform you my calendar is fully booked," I lamented with a polite bow.

"Bah, you ninja are always busy," Mei bemusedly responded, muttering something else under her breath that I didn't bother to decipher.

I opted for a shrug and helpless smile to convey my apologies. To my relief, she didn't push and the remaining transaction progressed without further comments.

The batch cost most of my mission pay, but would probably last a couple weeks. More than enough time to make back my losses. I could hardly believe that financial stability had been one of my greatest worries on earth, while here it was just a little side thing.

Knowing the world's potential doomsday was fast approaching really did change a person's perspective.

As I walked home, conviction swelled in my chest. I swore to myself I'd figure out how to improve the explosive tag before tomorrow's next mission, even if it took me all night.

Seven hours later, as my eyelids drooped and I could hardly form a coherent thought, I could not help but ponder whether my earlier proclamation would truly come to fruition.

Brainstorming arrays was tedious, time intensive work since any imperfection in a formula's script could be the cause of failure. Sure, slight deviations were tolerable in most cases, but if a trial run failed thanks to sloppy brushstrokes I risked generating a false negative. And nothing stung more than realising that piece of software you reworked from the ground up would have worked just fine if you hadn't misplaced a comma in row 177.

This meant I had to be absolutely sure to minimise my points of failure. Drawing the same design multiple times even if the first test didn't work, trying different phrasing to convey the same meaning, and only if all else failed start over from the ground up.

Paired with the fact that I kept dashing to and from the building to test my designs meant I only managed to go through nine different variations of parallel explosions so far—none of which worked.

I buried my face in my hands and whined in self-pity.

Let's be real; Was it smart to stay awake until 3 a.m. when I had missions tomorrow?

No.

Was it smart to keep working when I was already halfway to dreamland?

Also no.

However, I was nothing if not persistent. Good ol' sunk cost fallacy had motivated me thus far, and it would damn well keep motivating me until I either passed out or solved this conundrum!

Thank goodness I came up with using multiple shadow clones as a way of compounding sleep. Though not quite as OP as I'd seen in some stories, the Kage Bunshin was a totally nutso ability—even if I had to hold myself back from embracing the nihilism of short term existence and doing whatever the heck I wanted.

Hold back… Of course! How could I be so stupid?

I'd been stuck on getting the chakra everywhere at the same time, when I should've just added a constraining clause! Instead of having every boom be ready at the same time, I'd just have each charged up boom wait for the other boom's to be charged too!

I really am tired if that's the best wording I can come up with.

But sleep was for the weak. Explosions were more important! Megumin would be proud of that statement.

And Deidara of course. Can't forget about that guy. I wonder if Megumin would be Deidara's waifu?

No, stop that. Pay attention! One more tiny little test. I grabbed my brush and began to write. An octagon of command words, each signalling its neighbours to 'not explode' as long as the symbol wasn't fully charged.

An evil chuckle escaped my throat as the symbols lit up one by one. I was half tempted to shout out 'explosion!' as I channelled my chakra. And then I remembered that priming a bomb without a timer while my hand hovered above it wasn't really the greatest idea.

"Oh shi—"

Ibuthree and I jolted awake from the loud bang in our kitchen. I took a few moments to sift through the memories flooding in and facepalmed.